Gilmore Girls

These Things I Know

A/N:This chapter was going to be the end but I decided to add an epilogue which will be up soon. I hope you all don't mind, lol. Happy reading! Genevra.

Summary: You might finally have what you thought you always wanted but the truth is this- you don't know what you've got 'til its gone.

Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I affiliated with Gilmore Girls in anyway.


Chapter Sixteen: Idyllic


He picked up a folded piece of paper and opened it.

Logan, it read in her simple, impeccably, impossibly neat script. He began to read the next line when Rory walked into the room.

"Logan, where did you move my…" she paused and stopped. "Oh. You found it."

"When did you leave this?" he asked, turning to her. She smiled sheepishly.

"The night I left. I put it in your underwear drawer," she replied. "I thought you'd find it there."

"Should I read it?" he continued.

"I don't suppose it matters now," she shrugged. She walked over and crawled onto the bed so she could lean behind him. She laced her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek awkwardly. "I love you, Logan."

"I love you too, Ace," he replied. He moved so she could swing around and sit on his lap, her arms still around his neck. He pulled her into a deep kiss.

"Logan," she gasped, when they pulled away. "My hairdryer?"

"Your hairdryer?" he chuckled. "We kiss like that and you're thinking about your hairdryer? What happens when you think about your new Jimmy Choos?"

"You're exasperating," she sighed, kissing him quickly. She rolled out of his arms and stood up, straightening her skirt and top. "I just meant that we have to leave in an hour and I haven't done my hair and my hairdryer has gone MIA."

"I still want you to kiss me while you're thinking about your new shoes," he replied.

"They are pretty sexy," she mused, holding her foot out in front of her and inspecting the shoe. She rolled her eyes when she saw Logan's puppy-dog eyes and knelt in front of him. They kissed again and she pulled away. "Better?"

"Better," he said. She smiled and walked into the bathroom. "The letter?"

"Read it alone," she called back. "You know I hate being in the room when people read my stuff. I don't remember everything I wrote in it so be warned. I was very confused."

"I'll be in my study," he replied.

"What?" she yelled, switching on the hairdryer. She shrugged when he didn't reply. She waited for a moment and switched off the hairdryer. She walked into her New Haven bedroom and smiled.

She was so happy to be home. The last two months had been two of the happiest of her life. The past had always been there but it hadn't overshadowed them like she feared it would. She knew they would need to work hard, maybe not now while they were still technically in the honeymoon period, but in the future, they would need to work so hard and be so strong and hold on so tight to each other and to their marriage but it was work that Rory was willing to do. Anything, now that she had her marriage and the love of her life back, anything to keep it together.

-

Logan poured himself a small glass of scotch. He didn't need it but it seemed fitting. Rory was a fan of the cliché and she would be proud. The wronged hero reads the letter from the wronging heroine while drinking scotch and sitting in a wing-backed chair front of a roaring fire.

He loved her. Loved everything about her. He loved having her back at home but even he knew that the idyllic nature of the part two months wouldn't last. But he knew they would get them back again. He knew they would fight. They were both prepared for it, prepared for the inevitable. Prepared to fight temptation, to fight away the past, just simply to fight for their love.

He was strangely looking forward to it. He was looking forward to prove again how much he loved her and how much he was willing to give for her. Everything.

He put down his scotch and opened the letter. It was on Huntzberger stationary. Her personalized stationary. He wondered if she'd even thought of that. If it had ended in divorce and he had of found the letter then, would she have even realized the simple sight of the name 'Lorelai Huntzberger' would have been enough for bile to rise in his throat and despite what the letter could hold, it would have been thrown into the fire? Of course she wouldn't. She wasn't thinking like that. She just wanted to get out.

Logan,

If you've found this, it means I'm gone. As I write this, I am sitting in the room next to you and you have no idea what's going on in here. I like that, that we can trust each other enough to have secrets. I hate that you trust me so much you don't even think to ask where I am when I disappear for hours on end. I hate that I want you to ask. I don't want to tell you where I am because telling you that means telling you I am being unfaithful to you.

I know it's a cliché, wanting to hurt someone before they hurt you but it's the truest thing I know. I could not stand being hurt by you. I could not stand walking in on you and some cocktail waitress or flight attendant. I guess I just figured that you would never even consider the fact that I might cheat on you and that's why every time I do it, I feel less like I'm hurting you and more like I'm hurting myself.

This is so hard. I know it shouldn't be. I am choosing to do this, I am choosing to write this. I don't deserve the liberty of being allowed to cry. I don't deserve to be allowed to breakdown. I deserve nothing. I am despicable. A scarlet woman. The scum of society. What is even worse is that you have no idea and if I choose not too, you never have to se this and I never have to leave. And what makes it even worse is that this was pre-meditate adulteration. I knew what I was getting myself into. This is tearing me up inside.

I want to tell you how and when it started but it makes me sick to my stomach. If I have been hiding this secret for so long, how long could you have been hiding a similar secret from me? You will never forgive me for this and I don't blame you but I want you too. I want you too find out and to come for me and tell me you forgive me, that you understand. How selfish am I? To want my husband to love me and to show me he loves me.

These are the things I know about life:

I love you. I love you. I love you.

If you have love, it will be all right.

I love you.

Your family will always be there.

I love you.

Even if someone hurts you so bad, if you love them, you can always forgive them.

I love you.

These things I know about you and me:

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I will always regret doing this to you.

I love you.

I will never stop being sorry.

I love you.

I am sorry now as I write this.

I love you.

You and I will be okay. This will just be a blip on our radar, a blemish on our story.

I love you.

You will not come after me but you will forgive me and you and I will go back to being the way we were.

I love you.

We will be happier because we will be stronger.

I love you.

You love me so much more than I deserve. So much more.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you, Logan. I love you more than you will ever know. So much it breaks my heart to do this. I am ripping us apart. Because I think it is the right thing to do but if we aren't together, how can it be right? It can't be.

I know that I am taking what we have for granted. I am so scared that when I come to my senses and you come to yours, that you will realize you don't love me and you never have and I, although I deserve to be, will be crushed. I am so scared that you wont take me back and yet, it isn't enough to compel me to stay because I am so scared that you are going to do to me what I am doing to you.

I know you wont want to but please understand. I am not doing this because I hate you. I am not doing this because I want you to hate me. I am not doing this because I am in love with another man because I could never be. I am not doing this because I want to. I'm doing this because I have to. For me.

This is so painful. I can't even imagine to conceive how you are feeling. Left in the dark for so long.

I love you, Logan.

She didn't sign it. She knew she didn't need too.

-

"Logan," Rory called tentatively. She knocked lightly on the door before pushing it open.

"I can't see you right now," he whispered. She nodded, even though he couldn't see her, and bit her lip nervously.

"What about the party?" she choked. "What about…"

"I'll be there later," he replied. "Give my apologies to Emily."

"Of course," she whispered. She stumbled out of the doorway and out the front door.

All their brave talk about fighting and about never being pulled apart again, was it just that? Just talk?

-

"You're late," Emily greeted her at the door. "And you look upset."

"Sorry, Grandma," Rory said, handing her coat to the maid. She kissed Emily's cheek and walked inside. "The place looks beautiful."

"Thank you," Emily beamed. "Where's Logan?"

"Oh, he got caught up on a long-distance phone call," she replied, flippantly. "He should be here soon."

"Actually, I think I see him now," Emily said, peering out the front door which had yet to be closed.

"Where?" Rory asked, her heart leaping. She whirled around and saw him rushing towards the house. She smiled and choked back a sob. "I'll be right back."

"But Rory," Emily started. She sputtered when Rory whirled past her, brown hair flying behind her, and ran down the path into Logan's arms. Her face softened as Logan took Rory into his arms and twirled her around. He bought her back to the floor and whispered something to her. Rory beamed, though there were tears, and Logan kissed her. Emily shook her head and sighed. "Those two are impossible."

-

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "For making you feel like you had to leave."

"Don't apologise," she replied. "This isn't your fault."

"I must have made you feel unloved, I must have made you feel like I was going to leave at any moment," he continued. "It did break my heart and I was so angry at you that I never thought it might have broken your heart too. I just thought you wanted to hurt me because you hated me, not because you were scared of getting hurt. I know, at the hospital, you told me that but I never said anything about it."

"How can we hurt each other so much?" she asked, leaning into him.

"Because we love each other," he explained. "I don't understand it but we always hurt the people we love."

"I didn't think you were going to come," Rory whispered.

"I wasn't going too but after twelve seconds, I realize that I wasn't fighting for you if I was letting you walk out the door without even trying to talk," he admitted.

"This has to stop," she said, adamantly. "This hurt and this pain, it has to stop. We can't do this to each other anymore."

"How do we make it stop?" he asked.

"I don't know," she admitted. "But we have to try."

-

Logan pulled a blanket over them.

"Why are we doing this again?" he asked, as a cool breeze floated past and made him shiver.

"We're recreating our first date," she smiled.

"We never had a first date," he replied, confused.

"Oh, didn't we?" she replied, furrowing her brow. "I guess I meant we were having a first date."

"And what do you do on first dates?" Logan asked.

"Lots of this," she said, snuggling into him. "If you really like the person."

"And do you like me?"

"Shh. My husband might hear. He gets mighty jealous," Rory whispered.

"I'm sure he does with a beautiful girl like you," Logan laughed. He tilted Rory's head to his. "Hey."

"Hey," she smiled. He bent down and kissed her. She laughed and pushed him away. "You can't do that on a first date!"

"I don't think I want this to be a first date anymore," he murmured, running his hand up her leg.

"Logan," she muttered, pushing him away. She gestured around at their grounds. "Not here."

"Can I take you inside then?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. She frowned and glared at him. "Come on, Ace. This is silly. Right now, I don't want to pretend we're dating, I want to know that we're married and that I can do anything I want with you."

"Fine," she sighed, giving in. "It's getting cold anyway."

"Oh, I'm sure that's it," Logan replied dryly. He helped her to her feet and then swung her into his arms."

"Hey!" she cried.

"Sorry, lady. I have to do this properly."

"Then kiss me," she murmured.

And he did.