A/N: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer, but her characters are fun to play with so I'm making them do my bidding for the foreseeable future. Jasper as the God of War and Peter 'just knowing shit' are ideas that belong to Idreamofeddy. I do own the plot and original characters of Longing though.
Thank you to my wonderful prereader and friend, Laurie Whitlock, who the character of Laurie is based off. Thank you to my lovely and beloved sister who betas and prereads for me—you are a lifesaver, my dear, and I love you to pieces! Thank you also to my wonderful prereader Shadman! You guys are great. I do not know what I would do without you.
Thank you to everyone that has followed, favorited, reviewed or just plain stopped by to visit. :)
Just a reminder: Edward's gift is a bit different than usual. Not only can he read minds but he can also put his thoughts into other people's heads as well as do something akin to a 3-way phone call. It's not limited to three people but, essentially, he and anyone of his choosing can have conversations that are completely silent through his gift. To denote this, conversations that take place through Edward's gift are in "italics with quotes" while everyone else's individual thoughts are in plain italics.
oOo
Thursday, October 28th, 2080
BPOV
The rest of my first day of school had a few more bumps. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of sharing another class with Jasper but that meant another class with Emmett and Peter, who continually managed to keep me smiling even when I didn't want to, so some good had come of it, I supposed.
Meeting Riley Dwyer hadn't been the worst thing in the world either. He seemed like a decent guy so far and I could admit he wasn't so bad to look at, which made me feel better. It meant Jasper wasn't the only guy I was capable of being attracted to. Riley had been nice to me in a way that, up until that point, no one at Forks High School had been. There wasn't an undertone of rabid need to know the details of my life when he spoke to me. He didn't even ask about the Cullens, which earned him serious brownie points. He also hadn't asked me any truly personal questions. Granted, most people hadn't, too interested in procuring intel on the mysterious Cullens to bother much with finding out anything in depth about me. That was good though. It was what I'd been counting on. I was sure it wouldn't last, that eventually the focus would shift to tries at pumping me for as much personal information about myself as possible. A lot of the kids I'd met had seemed like they'd wanted to but had been too reticent to attempt it. My cafeteria confrontation with Lauren had surely done nothing but cement that reluctance.
That confrontation was one of those bumps. I wasn't about to let her think she could intimidate or insult me, but I would have preferred not to draw attention to myself. I didn't like the spotlight for obvious reasons but after the events of Louisville, I especially felt the need to keep a low profile. Living with the Cullens wasn't exactly cohesive with that desire, but I could have done a better job of minimizing it. Fifth period English had nailed this home. While I shared that class with Edward and Alice, I also shared it with the crowd I'd sat with at lunch, and I mean everyone from lunch.
I ended up sitting next to Angela, the only other person at school who treated me like a person and not a walking, talking pillar of potential information. I had to admit it would have been nice to sit near Edward and Alice but there were no empty seats in their vicinity. If I couldn't have them, Angela's presence at my side was admittedly awesome in spite of it. Even though many students thought I kicked ass for how I'd handled Lauren, there had been a lot of tension in the room during those fifty minutes. I didn't want tension. I was already dealing with enough of it, and I didn't need any more.
P.E. was another bump. I didn't have any problem tempering my abilities to give off the illusion that I was normal, but I had never had to play team sports before either. It was an adjustment. I'd also bled some during that period. It had been two weeks since it last happened. I had thought I was over that. Thankfully, it had been brief, happening in the locker room at the beginning of the period, so no one noticed, and I had no intention of bringing it up to Dr. Cullen. Not yet. Unless the headaches and dizziness returned or I actually started hemorrhaging from my ears, he didn't need to know.
Now I was back at the Cullen house, having just walked through the door with Emmett, Edward, and Alice. Even though their school day ended after fifth period due to Dr. Cullen's writing all the kids out of P.E., they had come back after school to ride home with me since it was my first day. How they had gotten back to school was a mystery that I wasn't inclined to solve. I had bigger ones to occupy myself with.
Mrs. Cullen greeted us with a bright smile as we walked through the garage door, giving her three children tight hugs. It was clear to me that she wanted to give me one too but she restrained herself, and I smiled at her. So far she had been nothing but respectful of the boundaries I'd set, even though that wasn't one I'd set verbally.
"Carlisle is getting off work at five," she informed us, though her words were directed more at me than the others. "We would like to take you out for a celebratory dinner."
"What are we celebrating?" I asked.
Mrs. Cullen's smile grew brighter. "Your first day of school, of course. We thought it would be nice and we're proud of you, so we'd like to show you that."
"Okay," I said, unfamiliar with the notion of anyone being proud of something I had done, especially for something as minuscule as one day of high school. I would have argued but knew it was useless to do so.
"Where would you like to go?" she asked.
"The diner in town is fine," I answered.
"Are you sure?" she questioned doubtfully. "There are plenty of options in Port Angeles, Bella. I know you don't like us spending money on you but this is a celebration. Let us spoil you a little."
"It will be all ten of us, correct?" I asked.
"Yes," Mrs. Cullen responded. I heard barely audible groans from the rest of the occupants of the house. How any of those besides Edward, Emmett and Alice would have heard her statement, I didn't know. Mrs. Cullen's face tightened sternly for a moment before it returned to it's usual sweetness.
"Do you not like the diner?"
"It doesn't matter to us," she said. "I just want to make sure you're not settling."
I grinned. "I'm not. I'm a simple kind of girl when it comes to most everything, Mrs. Cullen, and you never know the true measure of a town until you've experienced their diner food."
Mrs. Cullen looked amused. "Well, okay then."
oOo
Forks' one and only diner was on the edge of town, unpredictably off the beaten path and one step away from being swallowed by the woods on two sides. It was named Diamond in the Rough, but if the smells emanating from the place and the jam-packed parking lot were any indication, its name was shit. The owner should have stopped at 'Diamond.'
I had opted to ride with Dr. and Mrs. Cullen. Edward and Alice had joined me while the rest of the kids piled into Emmett's gargantuan Jeep. When the ten of us walked through the door, revealing quaint vintage decor that still managed to give off a cozy vibe, every eye in the place was on us. It must have been quite the shock for the elusive Cullens to grace a lowly diner with their presence when they hardly ever made appearances in town, and with their ridiculously expensive clothing and polished looks, I supposed it was a foreign concept.
Diamond in the Rough was a seat yourself kind of place, and we had to push two tables together to accommodate our group. I was sandwiched between Alice and Emmett and I didn't like how close together we were, but I was relieved to be next to them and not Jasper. I'd stayed away from him, sequestering myself in my room as soon as I got home from school even though this disappointed Mrs. Cullen. I figured she would have ample opportunity to make up for it at dinner though so I didn't let it bug me.
As we sat there waiting for service, I listened to the murmured conversations going on around us. All of them were, unsurprisingly, about us.
"What are they doing here? They hardly ever come into town."
"Why do Dr. and Mrs. Cullen keep taking in more children?
"Why not? They can afford to."
"They are all so good looking."
"They're not related but they still look alike. It's strange."
"The new girl doesn't look like them but she's just as beautiful."
"I'd like to take a bite out Dr. Cullen," one woman murmured to her friend. I snickered at this and received strange looks from my dinner companions, but I shrugged and they let it go.
I wondered if the Cullens were going to eat much. In the mornings, Mrs. Cullen always had breakfast ready for me when I came downstairs but no one else ever ate with me. Supposedly they ate before I made it down. For some reason I couldn't quite put my finger on, I had trouble believing that.
Not your business, Bella.
There was some evidence that semi-supported that vague gut feeling though. In the days since I'd moved in, we'd never eaten lunch or dinner together either, with the exception of the day we went shopping in Seattle. Mrs. Cullen had always eaten before I got back to the house after my testing and in locking myself in my room while I built my computer, I'd missed dinner with everyone else. I didn't mind this, and they didn't seem to either. That meant I didn't have to feel guilty.
After fifteen minutes of waiting and no service, during which most of the customers had yet to be approached by any wait staff, I got up to go to the bathroom. As I washed my hands, I overheard who I presumed was the restaurant manager having a telephone conversation.
"Where the hell are you?" she demanded. "You were supposed to be here half an hour ago!"
"I'm sorry, Laurie," the woman on the other end of the line told her. "Johnny's sick. Rick couldn't get off work, and I can't leave him."
"You couldn't have called and told me that forty-five minutes ago, Ellen?" Laurie asked, flustered. "Or don't you remember that Joe is gone for two weeks on business and that I'm the only chef whether he's here or not?"
"I'm sorry," Ellen said again. "I just figured you'd call someone in to cover."
"How can I call someone in when I don't have any idea I need to until you don't show up for your damn shift, and there's no one to call," Laurie snapped, her voice beginning to sound panicked.
"What about Shay?"
"Shay ran off with Carl sometime last night," Laurie sighed. "She didn't even say goodbye. Just left a note for her momma on the kitchen table."
"Wow," Ellen said, "that's a real bitchy thing to do. What about Gale?"
"She started chemo the other day."
"Well, shit, Laur," she cursed. "I really am sorry."
"It's fine," Laurie said in resignation. "Just take care of Johnny."
I walked out of the bathroom, processing the information I'd heard and wondering if I should make an opportunity out of it. One look at Laurie's face and there was no way I couldn't. I approached her as she stood behind the counter filling drink orders. I was only there for four seconds before she looked up and acknowledged me.
"What can I do for you, hun?" she asked, trying not to look tired or discouraged.
"My dinner companions and I have been here for a little while and no one has come by yet," I said, leaning my elbows on the counter.
Laurie's jaw clenched but her eyes turned troubled. "Sorry about that. I'll get to you soon. It's kind of crazy right now."
I nodded. "I noticed. You seem a bit overwhelmed."
She chuckled good-naturedly, but her expression was exhausted. "That is an understatement, dear."
I gave her a reassuring smile. "What's going on, if you don't mind me asking?"
I may have already known but I shouldn't have, so I had to cover my tracks.
"My wait staff is currently ... unavailable," she responded, clearly trying not to sound bitter about it.
"I have waitressing experience," I mentioned idly. "I could help you if you want."
Laurie's eyebrows furrowed. She was a pretty girl in her mid-twenties if I had to guess, with red hair most women would be envious of. She was young for a restaurant manager. "But you're with the Cullens aren't you? You're their newest-"
"Child du jour? Yes."
"Why would you help me?" she asked.
I shrugged. "Because you need it, and if you're worried about impressing the Cullens, I'm better off wearing one of your aprons than I am sitting with them. You can't very well make the wealthiest family in Forks fall in love with your food if they never get to eat it."
She deliberated for a moment before giving me a response. "I manage the place but I'm also the primary chef, so I spend most of my time in the kitchen, which means you'd be handling the front of the house by yourself. Can you handle that?"
I smirked. "Yes, ma'am."
Laurie reached under the counter, grabbed an apron, and tossed it at me. I caught it nimbly. "I don't need to show you the ropes, do I?"
"No, ma'am," I said, "though you should give me the rundown on where I can find all the important stuff."
"Follow me," she said, her smile radiant and relieved.
"I need to let Dr. and Mrs. Cullen know what I'm doing first," I told her, jerking my head in the direction of their table.
"Of course."
I made my way toward the Cullens and gave them apologetic smiles. "Change of plans. The wait staff bailed on the manager and she's the only one here to serve customers, but she's also the chef. That makes it a little hard for people to get their food, and I've got waitressing experience so I'm gonna pick up the slack. Rain check on the celebratory dinner?"
"Of course, Bella," Dr. Cullen said. "You're doing a good thing."
I smiled, fairly certain my discomfort at his compliment was evident, and shrugged noncommittally. "I'll be here to take your orders in a couple minutes. There are people here who've been waiting longer."
"Of course, dear," Mrs. Cullen agreed, beaming.
Laurie showed me the locations of the vital things so I wouldn't be bumbling around, and then I got busy, trying not to recall many of the specifics of my last waitressing job. Having the burn of Jasper's occasional gaze skitter against my skin didn't help, but I was soon in a good, efficient rhythm, navigating the place with the grace and familiarity I'd had at The Finish Line.
In six minutes I had everyone's drinks to them, in fifteen total I had all their food orders put into the kitchen, in twenty-seven collectively everyone had their soup, salad, and any appetizer I could make without kitchen assistance. After that, I went into the kitchen and helped Laurie on the line as much as time would allow so we could get the food out more quickly.
It felt great to be busy, to have another thing to focus on now that I didn't have my computer to occupy my mind and to distract me from the stagnation in Jane's case. Thank fucking God for inconsiderate, irresponsible, impulsive waitresses and, hopefully, only mildly sick children.
oOo
Saturday, October 30th, 2080
JPOV
Bella and I had been given our first joint history assignment the day before. It was a multi-part project that included a written report, an oral presentation and a media project. She would be doing the bulk of the work since I already knew and had done projects on this shit. My effort and some work on my part was still required, but, ultimately, I would mostly be there for guidance and tutoring.
The subject: the terrorist attacks of 2012.
Bella had not been happy with the topic, cursing Mr. Sumner under her breath with an impressive array of expletives, and when she ran out of them in English, she moved on to Spanish; after that it was French and then German. As she walked off to her second period Calculus class, not waiting for Emmett and Rosalie to walk her there in her agitation, it sounded as though she carried on in Arabic, but I wasn't sure. The family and I would never be living in a place that required us to speak it so learning it had never made it onto my 'to do' list. We weren't meant to hear any of it, her voice too low for the human ear to register, and that little display had me wondering how a girl her age knew so many different languages, especially one who probably hadn't been in school for awhile.
It was now ten o'clock in the morning on Saturday and Bella didn't have to be at work until 3:00 pm. Laurie, the restaurant manager at Diamond in the Rough, had offered her a job after Bella had saved her ass the other night, and Bella accepted. Even though I knew her day was full because of her shift, I wanted to get started sooner rather than later. We had two weeks to complete it, so I'd convinced Bella it was a good idea to get some of the legwork done today since the whole thing was a pretty huge undertaking to complete in that time frame for typical humans, though she had done her best to dodge me. That wasn't a lie in the strictest sense of the word, but more than that, I was eager to start changing her mind about me. So far, for the hour we'd been sitting here, no progress had been made on either front.
We were in the "library," the room in the house where everyone aside from Carlisle and I kept their books. All of us liked to read, though he and I were by far the most fervent. Many might have trouble picturing it but Emmett could sit for just as many hours lost in our collective literary stockpile as he could playing video games; there were only so many times you could beat one before it got boring, and he didn't do well with boredom. This room was three walls of books from floor to ceiling with rolling ladders, the fourth all glass; plus, bookcase upon bookcase artfully placed around the room, a regal, cozy fireplace, and lots of overstuffed, ridiculously comfortable couches and chairs. This was only a fraction of the family's collection, the rest in storage, and while we had copies of each in ebook format, we all came from a time when holding a book in your hands was a pleasure and a novelty. Newspapers were still around, though not in great abundance, and newly printed books were just about as abundant as the newspapers these days. Most of the books surrounding Bella and I had an emotional significance to one or more of us. We didn't have the heart to get rid of them.
Bella was sitting at one of the desks, me across from her, chair angled toward the window wall as she thought. She had done this six times in the past hour: stare idly at the textbooks laid out in front of her and then turn to stare out the window. She hadn't spoken a word in that time. She hadn't spoken at all since she'd come downstairs for breakfast. As far as I knew, aside from all her cursing, she hadn't spoken much since we'd gotten our assignment. She looked troubled, and I didn't like it, but I didn't know what to say to her. I could banter with her, snipe at her, pin her to a wall with little to no effort or thought. This was different. I didn't know how to ask if she was okay without sounding like a douchebag or how to go about it without starting World War III, which would defeat my purpose, so I asked something else.
"Have you come up with any ideas for a thesis?"
Bella's eyes shot to mine, the emotion in them even more unreadable than usual. "My thesis is that this project is bullshit."
"I'm inclined to agree," I said, physically having to bite my tongue to keep from calling her sugar, "but we weren't asked to write a paper, do an oral presentation, and a media project on the merits of the assignment. That wouldn't require any research, so do you have any ideas or not?"
"Here's an idea," she spat, "why don't you pull a thesis out of your ass!"
"That is an idea," I said, trying not to sound amused. "Unfortunately, my ass is fresh out of theses, so we'll have to use our brains instead. Would you like to share what it is about this whole thing that has your panties in such a bunch?"
Bella scowled at me. "Aside from being forced to spend time with you?"
I gritted my teeth. Be patient with her, Jasper. Be patient.
"Yes, aside from that," I said after I got a grip on my annoyance and was fairly confident I wouldn't sound like a dick.
"Isn't that reason enough?" she asked sweetly.
My fingers tightened around my pencil and it took some concentration to keep from snapping it, but I'd had plenty of practice with that the past couple days. Patience, Jasper. Patience.
"Only if you discount your apparent case of ragin' PMS," I sniped. My mantra was losing its effectiveness and, though it was counterproductive to my goal, sarcasm was worming its way into my state of mind almost without my permission. I was tempted to yank her out of her chair, bend her over the table, and spank her. My dick liked that idea very much. Not helpful.
Bella launched her pen at my head with perfect aim and I batted it away before it hit me between the eyes. "You're a dick. I hate you."
I shrugged noncommittally as she was so fond of doing. "Dickishness and hatred aside, we still have a project to do and the terrorist attacks of 2012 are a vital part of United States history, as vital as the Revolutionary and Civil Wars amongst other things. You need to learn this shit whether you want to or not."
Her already aggravated expression soured further. "I already know this shit and I don't see why I should have to rehash a subject I know better than the back of my fucking hand!"
Her chest was heaving, her breathing shallow, and in addition to the fire in them, her eyes had taken on a glassy sheen that looked suspiciously like tears. She was genuinely upset about this. Without thinking I reached across the table and covered her hand with mine. What I'd done didn't sink in until I felt the warmth of the electricity caused by her touch flow up my arm. I expected her to snatch her hand away, but she didn't. I met her gaze warily, unsure of what I would find there, if the hatred that was so commonplace now would be staring back at me. Instead, she was searching it intently, her emotions still vague despite their intensity and I wanted so badly to feel them. It reminded me of Louisville and how she'd done the same thing before she headed back to work from the alley. I didn't understand what she was looking for now any more than I had then.
It was a good five seconds before she did what I'd expected her to do immediately, pulling her hand out from under mine and dropping it into her lap. She dropped her gaze there too. I didn't like this, the vulnerability I saw there, the lost hue clouding her brown eyes. Bella was strong and vibrant, full of a spark that couldn't be quashed. I knew she was sad. I knew she was haunted by something, but I had never seen her let it get to her. I hadn't known her long enough to make that presumption, I supposed, but that didn't change that it felt wrong.
"So you know this shit. The best way to prove it to Sumner is to get this project over with as quickly as possible," I said.
She looked back up at me, smiling a little. "True," she conceded. Then she smirked, her tone only a fraction as hostile when she next spoke, "You're still a dick."
I smirked back.
oOo
"So, Jazz," Emmett began, dragging out 'so', "what's up with you and Bella?"
It was later that afternoon, past the time at which our human had to be at work, and Emmett, Edward, Peter, Carlisle and I were on a guy's hunting trip. We'd all taken down at least one kill so far, everyone but Em snagging their favorite meal: Edward snagged a mountain lion, I bagged a wolf, Carlisle snacked on a deer or two, and Peter, the crazy fucker, downed a psychotic moose (his favorite meal was still technically juicy drug dealer but he loved how spirited they were in the fight for their lives); Emmett had to settle for a mountain lion. Now that we'd at least eaten some, though we hadn't finished, we were all sprawled out in a clearing several miles from where we'd made and disposed of our kills. I was lounging on my back, staring up at the clouds. Peter and Edward were close by, mirroring me, while Carlisle and Emmett were propped against trees. Carlisle's eyes had been closed before Emmett opened his big fuckin' mouth and asked a question I did not want to answer.
I kept my face impassive. "That's a little vague, Em," I said nonchalantly.
"Oh, come on, Jasper," Edward piped up in disbelief and rolled his eyes. "You know exactly what Emmett means. Playing dumb doesn't suit you."
"It really doesn't," Em agreed. "So answer the question. Why do you guys hate each other?"
I crossed my arms over my chest. "That wasn't the question."
"Don't be a douche," Em said. "It just doesn't make any sense for you guys to hate each other. You didn't even talk when she broke into the house." His face took on an expression of realization. "Is that why you hate her?"
True to their word, Carlisle and Esme had told Emmett and Alice how they'd really met Bella after she left. After what had happened between her and Rose, they'd decided not to reveal the truth to their oldest daughter even though they genuinely believed we would never see Bella again. It was a damn good thing they hadn't.
I could have used this as an excuse for my quick temper with Bella but for some reason I couldn't. It didn't feel right to me, but I wasn't going to be honest about it either.
"I don't give a shit about that," I responded, and I truly didn't. "We just rub each other the wrong way is all. Sometimes people just don't mesh."
Emmett smirked. He didn't waggle his eyebrows but his emotions implied it. "Maybe you should consider rubbing each other the right way."
Carlisle scowled, a slight growl rumbling in his chest. He was not amused by Emmett's comment. Edward snickered and Peter's emotions implied a light bulb had just gone off in his head.
Fuck!
I was once again grateful I could not project. I still didn't want anyone to know just how appealing I found that idea. Frankly, it was embarrassing.
"Now, that's an idea," Peter said thoughtfully.
"I'd really rather you not discuss that prospect," Carlisle shot at Emmett, and then moved his gaze to Peter, "nor to endorse it."
He was feeling protective and disturbed as well as angry, and I appreciated this. I knew Emmett was very protective of Bella as well, viewing himself as her big brother, but he was also fiercely protective of me. He wasn't exactly a fan of the way she treated me and he wanted to ease the tension between us. Of course, I never thought he'd actually suggest doing something literal to relieve it.
"You may not want us to talk about it, Carlisle," Emmett continued, "but everyone knows when two people snark and fight with each other the way they do and there's no good reason for it, it's usually because they subconsciously want to fuck."
Carlisle cringed. He had every intention of denying this out loud, I could feel it, but for the most part his emotions gave away that he knew Emmett spoke the truth. They had no idea just how close Bella and I had come to that, how true it was on my end or that it wasn't a subconscious thing for me in any sense. They would never know if I had my way.
I didn't give Carlisle the chance to respond. I threw my head back and laughed before he could, laughed so hard it would have hurt if I'd been human, bending over at my waist, and propping my hands on my knees as I continued to chuckle. It was several minutes before I "calmed down." Being an empath fully capable of convincingly faking that shit came in really fuckin' handy sometimes. I deserved an Oscar. Even Peter looked fooled.
I would have let out a breath of relief if it wouldn't have given me away. "Yes, Emmett," I began sarcastically, "I absolutely want to fuck Bella." It was difficult to keep from pacing and pulling at my hair as I said it since the truth of it was constantly driving me fuckin' crazy, but I refrained. "For a smart guy, you just said the stupidest thing ever. Then again you are a smart ass so I suppose that's to be expected."
"Shut up, dude," Emmett growled good-naturedly.
Edward picked up a pine cone and threw it at my head. What was it with people throwing shit at my head? "It's a damn good thing your intentions aren't less than honorable, Jasper," he said seriously. "If you hurt her, I'd have to kill you … for Alice's sake, of course."
Liar!
He wasn't totally lying but he would be kicking my ass for himself just as much as Alice. In the week Bella had lived with us, he'd gotten attached to her. She had a way of working herself underneath people's skin. Part of me did not understand it, what with her being a Grade-A hostile bitch a lot of the time, but there were other times when it wasn't such a far-fetched concept.
"Damn right," Emmett agreed, puffing out his chest menacingly. He and his threats weren't to be taken lightly, nor were Edward's, but I still was not intimidated.
"I'm afraid I would have to join in," Carlisle added and he meant that. He was another vampire who should not, under any circumstances, be underestimated. At 417, despite his stance on violence, Carlisle knew a shitload more about fighting than he let on. Whenever we managed to convince him to join us boys in wrestling around, he never failed to hand Em and Edward their asses. It gave me ammunition to tease them for, well, eternity.
I shifted my gaze to Peter, lifting a brow as I waited for him to weigh in on the subject. I could both feel in his emotions and tell by the look on his face that he had an opinion on the matter.
"I'd beat your ass as well Major, I suppose," he said with a shrug.
I responded with a shrug of my own. I didn't care. Sure I wanted Bella, she drove me fuckin' crazy, but I wouldn't actually act on it.
"Seeing as I have no intention of hoppin' into bed with her, I obviously have no intention of hurtin' her either," I said, taken by surprise at how much I meant it. I would rather die than hurt her and if for some reason I did, I would let them do whatever they wanted with me. "Now annoying her to death is an entirely different thing, and how did this conversation even evolve into this shit? You were just askin' me why I hate her so damn much and now you're threatening bodily harm if I fuck her? Make up your goddamn minds!"
Edward's emotions shifted and I knew what it meant. They all knew continuing on that tack would just be us talking in circles. They knew it would take a hell of a lot more than words to change my opinion, so he was going to close that subject and move everyone on to something else.
Thank fuckin' God.
"So what's up with you?" Edward asked.
"Once again," I repeated in exasperation, stalling even though I was happy to be moving on, "vague."
"We've all noticed you haven't been projecting lately, Jasper," he clarified. "What's up with that?"
Now everyone's eyes were on me with interest, but they were periodically casting sideways glances at Peter as well. My family wasn't stupid. I knew that they were starting to figure out that I was off somehow. Edward's question was proof of it.
"Nothing's 'up with that,'" I mimicked, using air quotes. "I like to play around with my gift every once in a while is all."
I could get away with this excuse. I'd gone without projecting before for that reason as well as during other rough times. They hadn't known what it meant then either because of my desire to protect them from that part of myself and though I had been considering finally telling them about some things, I hadn't made up my mind yet. Until I did, I would do my best to continue to protect them.
"Whatever you say, Jazz," Edward said.
It was clear he thought I was full of shit but his emotions were uncertain, which didn't make any fuckin' sense. I felt a pressure against my skull, the telltale sign that he was trying to probe my mind. This infuriated me. I had strict rules about that shit. He was only allowed to do it when I let him; otherwise, he lost a limb for attempted mind-rape. I had no intention of enforcing said rule at the moment simply because I wasn't in the mood, but I would ream him for it later. I glowered at him and he glared right back. His emotions radiated defiance but there was concern too. He didn't stick around to start shit though, turning on his heel at the scent of a mountain lion and taking off to hunt it down.
"We're goin' to have a chat about this later, Ed!" I called out to him, not hiding my fury.
"You're damn right we will!" he snapped back.
Fucker!
oOo
EdPOV
"If you're expecting an apology, you'll be waiting until the end of time," I said as Jasper approached.
He could sneak up on anyone else but not me. The white noise from his mind that blocked his thoughts from me always gave him away. It pissed him off. I did not care.
"You know the rules," he said, voice hard as steel.
I rolled my eyes before I turned to face him. "Fuck your rules, Jasper," I barked impatiently, holding out my arm. "Have at it."
"You want me to rip your arm off," he said. It wasn't a question.
"No, I do not want you to rip my arm off, but I knew what I was doing, and I did it anyway," I replied. "I also knew you would probably catch me. I was prepared for this."
"If you knew I would catch you, why the fuck did you do it?" he asked. I couldn't feel his confusion but it was obvious.
"You're really fucking dense sometimes, Jasper," I answered, purposely projecting more annoyance than I actually felt.
Jasper really was dense sometimes but I suspected, on an unconscious level, he did it on purpose. I wasn't about to psychoanalyze him though. I wanted to get back to Alice before the year 3180.
"If that's your way of tryin' to convince me not to tear you apart, you need to rethink your strategy."
His eyes had turned black and fury was slowly building in him. If I truly didn't want him to rip me apart, I needed to tread carefully. He was still a powder keg sometimes even after all these years, but I wasn't sure I cared if he tore me to pieces. Something was wrong and I was worried about him. If ripping me apart got him to talk to me, so be it. As long as he didn't pull out a lighter, I could be put back together.
"I don't have a strategy," I said, "and even if I did, you're too damn stubborn to be talked out of doing whatever it is you're intent on doing."
Jasper didn't respond to that.
"Will you please tell me what the fuck is wrong?" I pleaded. I was taking a big risk but I figured, what the hell? Might as well go all or nothing. "And don't you dare say 'nothin'' like the Southern jackass that you are! I am not stupid!"
"I never said you were," he responded tightly.
"You don't have to!" I snapped. "Just tell me what the hell is going on with you!"
He still didn't speak.
I closed the distance between us and shoved him as hard as I could. He went flying backward into a tree, knocking it over with a resounding crack. I was playing with fire. I was a good fighter; Jasper was better by miles and miles. If I could make use of my gift, I had a shot of holding my own but even then, I would still be the one who ended up in pieces. He sprang back up and went into a defensive crouch, his fists clenched so hard I heard the slight keen of his nails gouging into his palms, but he didn't attack. His eyes had gone blacker than I'd ever seen a vampire's go before, the kind of black that sucks you in and never spits you back out, and he was visibly shaking. I instinctively knew it was because it was taking all his restraint to keep himself fixed in that spot, probably to keep himself from ripping me to shreds, but for some ironic reason I wasn't scared. After a minute or so, he relaxed.
"You say you're not stupid but that was a real fuckin' idiot thing to do, Edward," he growled. His eyes were still that dangerous shade of black, but I could see more of my brother in them than I had only seconds before. "I'm pissed at you, but I don't want you dead."
"You wouldn't kill me, Jasper," I assured him confidently. Whatever doubts he might have about himself, I didn't share them.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," he mumbled.
"What is it you're so afraid of, huh?" I asked, still going for all or nothing. I hadn't been ripped apart yet so I might as well continue to push my luck.
Still no response.
"Look, I know I was a dick the first few decades you were with us," I said with a sigh, "but we're good now, right?"
Jasper nodded.
"And you know you can talk to me?"
He nodded again.
"So why won't you just tell me what's going on with you?" I asked.
He shrugged.
I scowled, picked up a rock and threw it at his head. "It's really fucking hard to have a conversation about something important when only one party is actually participating with words."
Jasper just stared. I was really trying to be patient but he was making it difficult.
"If this has something to do with the Southern Wars, you need to get the fuck over it," I said tersely. "Do you really think so little of us that you assume we would judge you for the time you spent there? Newsflash, asshole! You were "born" into a fucking war! You were raised and trained to do reprehensible things and you did them. You killed and maimed and did whatever the fuck else vampires do when they're fighting in a war. You. Did. Not. Know. Any. Different! We know that, and we don't give a shit! Do you know why that is, Jasper?" I asked, bristling. I didn't give him a chance to answer. "Because you spent one hundred fucking years living that life, and then you showed up on our doorstep and tried your damndest to change. Even when you fucked up and killed a human, which killed you, you picked up, moved passed it and kept on trying until you mastered your bloodlust. Do you think that we don't get that that was a million times harder for you because of your gift? Do you think that if you open up to us about your past that we will lose the hard-earned respect we have for you? We won't. You're family and we love you. I love you! You're my brother and even though it sometimes still bugs me that you fucked my wife, that won't ever change! You're an ignorant asshole if you think otherwise."
By the time I was done, I was breathing hard, like I'd just run a goddamn marathon, so fired up was I by my tirade. I hadn't spoken a word that wasn't true. As much as I generally hated that his gift enabled him to interpret my feelings, I hoped he could feel that.
We took seats, side by side, in front of a redwood much as he and Alice had months before, silent for several minutes just listening: to the birds chirping and singing, the animals going about their business, to bugs doing whatever it is bugs do, the breeze rustling the trees, and the far off trickle of a stream. I was beginning to think my blow up had been for nothing when Jasper finally spoke.
"That was an awful lot of cursin' there, Ed," he teased, voice tinged with amusement and a tiny smile curling his lips.
I wasn't much of a curser, at least not the way the others were.
"Yeah, well, you bug me," I said. My tone was flippant but my emotions were contradictory. "You're annoying and frustrating and you bring out my inner sailor."
He smirked but didn't respond. I sighed again. We were back to that apparently.
"I never apologized to you," he said, taking me by surprise both for continuing to speak and for the mystery apology.
My brows furrowed. "For?"
"The Alice thing," he clarified.
"Why should you apologize for that?" I asked, frowning. "I was the one who held a grudge for fifty years."
"Because I slept with your mate," he said. "As annoying as I find the idea, it was a perfectly normal thing for you to do, and if you hadn't held a grudge I would have been offended on Alice's behalf."
"That's true, but even I can admit fifty years is a little excessive."
Jasper snorted. "Maybe a little."
I shoved his shoulder. "The rules of apologizing clearly state the apologizee is not allowed to mock the apologizer, douche."
"When have I ever followed the rules?" he asked with a grin.
"Seriously, Jasper," I said, getting back on track, "you broke things off with Alice as soon as you figured out we were mates. I was just too much of an ass to let it go after an appropriate amount of time."
"I'm not sorry for that," he told me. "For not breakin' things off with her sooner, I mean. I'm apologizin' for all the times I ripped off limbs when you gave me shit for it. You didn't mean anything to me at the time and I didn't have the patience to be understanding about it."
I shrugged and waved my hand dismissively. "Bygones."
"Bygones?" he exclaimed incredulously.
"What? It was a long time ago, I do mean something to you now, you are understanding now, and I got the girl. I don't really see what I have to be upset about, though the echoes of you and Ali screwing do occasionally still haunt me."
"You are a better man than I, Edward Cullen," Jasper said.
"Yep," I teased.
He shoved my shoulder this time.
"I would have broken things off with her sooner, you know," he intoned quietly.
I raised my eyebrows in question and shifted my emotions to mirror the gesture.
"You wanna know the ironic thing?"
I let my emotions confirm that I did.
"I've got the gift of readin' the emotions of others and I can feel the love produced by the mating bond, but I can't feel the actual pull. I've never been able to."
"Oh."
"I've never been able to figure out why that is. Maybe it's because it's different for each individual mated couple or something," he theorized. "I knew you were drawn to her, but I figured it was because you were sexually repressed and she was the first female vampire you'd come across that wasn't taken or family."
"Hey!" I protested, throwing another rock at his head. Throwing stuff at his head was satisfying for some reason even though he never actually let it hit him.
Jasper didn't look apologetic for that statement. He looked matter-of-fact.
Jackass!
"When I finally figured out, or rather felt it through my gift, that you loved her... and how you loved her... that's when I knew, and I broke things off between us," he explained.
"There's a difference?" I asked curiously.
"Oh, yes," he said bitterly. "There is a huge difference between plain old love and mated love."
"You don't seem to be all that fond of either," I noted.
"I'm not."
We lapsed into silence again.
"Maria didn't turn me right away," he said, again taking me by surprise.
I once again let my emotions express my interest.
"She tortured me first." I sucked in a sharp breath. I wanted Jasper to talk to me; I just hadn't been prepared for that. "She knew I would be powerful and important, that I could be useful to her."
My emotions asked, How?
"I don't know," he admitted. His voice sounded hollow and it killed me. "She never said and I never asked. She wanted me unwaveringly loyal to her. That's why she did it and it worked. That wasn't the only way she did it though," he said with a sigh, tugging his hands through his hair. "She had me convinced we were mates. She explained what they were but she was vague, and I was young. In that environment, mates finding each other was rare. That wasn't to say that there weren't those that did, but I didn't know any better at the time, and I didn't understand the emotions they were giving off when I encountered those couples. Plus, they never lasted long enough for me to question what those feelings meant. They were instinctively driven to protect each other, but while that can be an asset on the battlefield for older vampires, the distraction is never good for newborns. It without fail cost them their lives in the first or second battle after they found their mates. It wasn't until Peter came around sixty-two years later, when he helped me to understand those feelings, that I finally realized Maria and I weren't. She would have killed him for helping me realize that if not for two things."
Which were? my emotions asked.
"He'd been around long enough to prove we were better on the battlefield together than apart, and he kept camp running more smoothly as well. The other thing was that it didn't affect my loyalty to her ... at first. After awhile, as I got more attached to him, as I started to remember what humanity was though not necessarily to regain it, and as the emotions of those I killed began to wear on me, she knew she was losing her hold on me. She didn't have to worry about it for long though."
Why?
"Five years after I turned Pete, I turned a woman," he continued. "She woke up powerful, dangerously powerful. Her gift was to see those in others, much like Eleazer. The difference between them was that her gift took it to a whole other level. She could ferret out the weaknesses in them, block their gifts or turn them against the vampire it belongs to. Sometimes she did both, and my gift was just as vulnerable to her's as anyone else's."
I was thoroughly engrossed in Jasper's story as well as thoroughly horrified by it. Even in telling this though, he still possessed that charisma and magnetism that drew people to him like moths to flame.
"Maria knew that. That vampire is, in part, how I became the God of War," he told me. My emotions reflected my bemusement at his statement so he offered an explanation. "The Major and the God of War are similar but they are also two separate things. Maria saw potential for that vampire, Savannah was her name, to use her power to help her take my Major persona and turn it into something else, something more … more powerful, more deadly, just more, and she took advantage of that opportunity.
"She also used Savannah to counterfeit a mating bond between us and Savannah didn't hesitate to comply-she was just as blindly loyal to Maria as I was, though her loyalty was born out of fear whereas mine was based on something entirely different. I never feared Maria. Anyway, as I said, I had felt that love before from the mates I'd encountered during the Wars but just had no idea what it was until Pete. Savannah dug that out and used it to re-bind me to Maria. It was a piss poor imitation of the bond, mind you, and I never felt any sort of pull toward her ... at least I don't think I did. Since it's the one part of the bond I'm completely fuckin' clueless about, I suppose I can't be certain. The counterfeit bond served its purpose."
"Wow," I breathed. I didn't know what else to say. What did you say to that? It's not like there's a handbook on how to comfort your brother as he tells you he was double-teamed by two bitches who mind-fucked the shit out of him.
Jasper snorted. "Eloquent, dude."
He was trying to inject humor into the situation. It was transparent, and I didn't blame him. I would've done the same thing if I were in his shoes. My gift would have guaranteed my survival, but I was fairly certain that if I'd been in Jasper's shoes that I wouldn't be nearly as functional. Humor would be a necessity for me no matter what shape I'd be in.
"This may be a stupid question but why didn't you just kill Savannah?" I asked. It seemed like the most logical solution.
"Maria ordered me not to," he answered with a shrug. "That's how mind-fucked I was. I would tear anyone else to pieces, single-handedly raze whole towns, but I would not violate her orders nor would I touch Maria with the intent to truly harm. Oh, she liked pain," he continued, meeting my eyes with a twisted sort of bitterness, "and when she wanted it, and she always did, I obliged her. I followed her orders down to the letter," now there was a hardness to his voice I'd never heard before and then it turned empty. "Killin' Savannah wouldn't have changed anything anyway. There were some aspects of her gift that lasted whether she continued to purposely exert her power or not. The false mating bond was one of them."
My brows furrowed. I didn't like the sound of that. It hit too close to home but that was beside the point.
"If you were bonded to Maria, how did you manage to leave her?" I questioned curiously.
"As I mentioned, it was a piss poor imitation of a mating bond, and I had Pete. The fucker hardly ever left my side. He never gave up tryin' to break through to me on not just that but on so many things," Jasper said fondly. "Over time what Savannah had done started to degrade though I'm not sure why. She was powerful enough that it shouldn't have but it's a damn good thing it did. I was still ridiculously loyal to Maria, but I was smart enough not to let on about it weakening. When Charlotte came along, it started to crumble more rapidly, but after I let her and Peter go, things got ... bad for me, or worse I guess I should say. I handled it fine. I'm not a fuckin' pussy. That didn't exactly endear Maria to me any more than before, but I didn't have anywhere else to go, and I was too fucked up for it to occur to me that I could go off on my own."
What changed?
"Peter and Charlotte came back for me. One look at them, one taste of their emotions both towards each other and me, and whatever Savannah had done completely shattered. I left without hesitation, and I've never looked back."
"I guess I can understand why you're so 'anti-mate,'" I said.
"It might sound stupid, but even though I see how happy all of you are every fuckin' day, it's still hard for me to accept that mating is a good thing," he sighed. "For you it means happiness, but when I even hear the word 'mate' all it represents to me is pain, betrayal, and an utter loss of control and free will. That's a difficult fuckin' thing to shake."
I wondered if he meant betrayal by Maria or betrayal by Savannah. If it was the latter, there was more to the story than he had shared but that was obvious. You couldn't fit decades worth of information into a twenty minute conversation.
"I don't get it, but I get it," I told him, hoping I was making sense.
"So, I'm sorry," he said again. "If I had known ..."
"Quit apologizing, Jazz," I said, "or I might start to think you've grown a uterus."
I had to make light of things. He needed me to even though he hadn't been the one to make a joke this time. I could see that in his eyes. Their continual haunted quality had amplified dangerously and though he was attempting to sound like what he'd told me wasn't a big deal, his voice still sounded hollow and dead. I hated it.
"Right," he chuckled, the sound containing a sarcastic edge. "Of the two of us you know damn well if one of us were to grow a uterus, it would be you."
"Keep telling yourself that," I smirked.
Jasper just smiled but none of the things I was worried about had lessened, and I wondered if pushing him had been a good idea after all.
"You gentlemen havin' fun?" Peter's voice sounded in the sudden silence. "Waxin' poetic on the beauty of the forest or some other girly shit, perhaps?"
I had been so absorbed in my conversation with Jasper, I hadn't noticed the void of Peter's thoughts and he didn't have a scent so I'd been taken by surprise for a third time. It was annoying. I didn't know if Jasper had been aware of his approach and he was too stoic for me to tell. That didn't really matter I supposed. Peter always showed up at the right time; that's what mattered.
I looked at Jasper, our gazes met and I shifted my eyes down to the rocks sporadically placed around us. Jasper's smile widened and, lightning quick, we both palmed a decent-sized one and lobbed them at Peter's head.
Peter didn't bother dodging them and they pinged off his forehead with loud cracks.
"What the hell?" he demanded.
He looked outraged but Jasper and I both knew he wasn't. Jasper and I shrugged simultaneously, still grinning mischievously.
Jasper's grin faded as he moved his gaze off to an unknown spot in the distance, and Peter was eyeing him knowingly. That was my cue to leave. There was nothing more I could do for my brother. Jasper needed Peter now.
I got to my feet and brushed the dirt from the seat of my pants. Alice would be annoyed if I didn't.
"See you guys back at home," I told them.
"Sure, Ed," Peter said.
"Hey, Edward," Jasper called out before I got more than two feet from him and Peter. I turned to face him again but he was still staring off into the distance. The fact that his eyes weren't on me didn't change the steely, dangerous tone of his voice as he said, "That's privileged information. Keep it between you and Alice."
I nodded. I hadn't had to mention anything about Alice seeing the conversation between Jasper and I. I had made a clear decision to confront him so that had been a given, and Jasper knew that. What I hadn't known was how all this would play out. I'd had monumental doubts that he would tell me anything about what was going on with him, so, to a certain extent, I hadn't been worried that he'd reveal anything he didn't want her to know if I did manage to take him by surprise and get him to talk; but Jasper had taken a good long while to open up to me. I'd suspected that meant it had taken a lot of conscious thought and effort on his part, especially considering what he'd shared, and that after he'd taken that time to think, he'd come to just as clear a decision to tell me as I had about confronting him. What he'd just said confirmed my suspicions.
"Of course," I promised. He returned my nod tersely, still not looking at me.
Though it had been my idea to leave initially, that nod gave me the feeling that I was being summarily dismissed. Under different circumstances that might have bothered me, but right now I didn't mind.
As I ran toward the house, Peter's voice echoed in my head, "You did a good thing, brother."
I smiled. Peter's reassurance had my doubts lessening, and it was the first time he'd ever called me 'brother.'
oOo
JPOV
I couldn't quite believe I was doing this but it didn't change that I was. It was 9:45 at night and I'd made it here with just fifteen minutes to spare. Most businesses closed by eight, nine at the latest, but this place was always busy. It was surprising for a town as small as Forks, but it warranted the later hours, which was a good thing for me since we'd only gotten back from our hunting trip half an hour ago, Edward and I having stayed out later than the others to have our little chat, and Pete then taking over for Ed when things between us were resolved but had gotten a little too heavy. The only other establishment that stayed open later than this place was the diner and that was because it was Forks' pride and joy. People came from all over to eat their food. Luckily that meant Bella would be working until midnight. That gave me some wiggle room.
Despite everything that had gone on during the day, particularly the heaviness of my confrontation with Edward and the awful memories swimming around in my head because of it, I hadn't been able to get the troubled look on Bella's face from that morning out of my head all day. Seeing her sad and desolate just wasn't right. It was fundamentally wrong, in fact. She still annoyed the shit out of me, and I still loved to piss her off. She was so fiery and passionate, so full of life, when she was angry. It was almost like she was life. It was beautiful, she was beautiful, and it wasn't just a physical beauty. It was the definition of it.
Wow, you've gone soft. You've turned into a downright mushy bastard, Jasper. I thought with a scowl. What? You've got nothing to say now fucker? I demanded of the voice in my head. Silence. There might as well have been fuckin' crickets chirping in my head.
When Bella was sad she lacked that passion. Her spark didn't die but it dimmed. She kind of deflated and it bugged me. I wanted to fix it. I needed to fix it.
I wasn't doing this to make things easier on the family or to make her like me. I was doing this because I wanted to make her smile, to take her mind off of whatever it was that was eating at her even though I had no clue what it was. It wasn't my place to ask her about it and she wouldn't confide in me anyway. She didn't trust any of us enough to do that, not even Carlisle to whom she seemed to have the greatest attachment, but I could do this for her. I could try to make her smile. She was just as beautiful when she smiled as she was when she was pissed though in a different way.
I hadn't forgotten Bella's birthday. It was more that it had gotten buried underneath all the shit I was struggling with of late, but I was reminded of it now.
I hadn't bought a gift for a human since I was human and I hadn't bought a gift for a girl that wasn't my sister in ... ever. I was out of my league and I needed help.
"What can I do for you, honey?" the kindly shopkeeper asked. Did they even call them shopkeepers anymore?
I tried not to be indignant that a woman less than a quarter my age had called me 'honey'.
"I, uh," I started uncertainly. "I need to buy a present."
The woman looked amused. She was radiating it as well. It got a little harder to fight off my irritation. It didn't help that I was nervous.
Why the fuck are you nervous, Whitlock? I demanded, grinding my teeth. I again expected the voice to weigh in. It didn't. Really? Nothing? No response. Douche.
"What kind of present dear?" she asked.
My eyebrows raised. How the fuck should I know? That's what you are supposed to be for! Incompetent idiot!
The woman gave me a sympathetic but somewhat superior look that suggested she was thinking something along the lines of, "Poor, clueless boy."
I ground my teeth harder. My nerves were irritating. I hadn't been nervous since I was human, and I didn't fuckin' like it.
Pussy! The voice that sounded like the Major chimed in.
I wondered when you'd share your absolutely useless opinion, I snapped.
You realize you're carrying on a conversation with yourself, right? I could hear the bastard smirking. I could even see myself as the Major smirking at me. How fucked up is that?
"There are birthday presents, anniversary presents, 'just because' presents ..." she clarified. "You get the idea."
"Right," I said with a nod. "It's a birthday present."
"Who is it for, honey?" she probed in blatant interest.
What is this? A fuckin' inquisition?
If I didn't need her, I'd snap her neck and not even feel bad about it. I may appreciate the sanctity of human life and blah, blah, blah, but she was pushing it with her condescension.
"Well, uh," I stammered, fidgeting. I actually fuckin' fidgeted. Jasper Whitlock did not fuckin' fidget! Goddamn it! "There's this girl ..."
The woman smiled and gave me a knowing look.
Bitch!
"It's always a girl, isn't it?" she asked conversationally.
I fought off my glower. I had to be sociable. I still didn't have a clue, so I still needed her.
"Uh, no," I said.
"So this one's special," she mused. It wasn't even a question.
What the fuck? I grumbled internally.
She could have at least had the courtesy to ask instead of assuming, and what business was it of hers?
Nosy bitch! I amended.
"Not particularly," I responded, my tone only vaguely insistent. I was aware that if I sounded too insistent, it would just confirm what she already believed.
Sure, I kind of liked Bella now and I didn't want her sad anymore but that didn't make her special ... I didn't think.
Even though my voice wasn't terribly argumentative, she didn't believe me. I did not care what she believed.
"What does she like?"
Fuck if I know! was what I wanted to say. Instead, I said, "I haven't got a clue."
"Well," she smiled cheerily, "we've got our work cut out for us, don't we?"
She looked like she'd hit the jackpot.
Wonderful.
oOo
A/N: So, Bella got a job, she and Jasper got assigned their first history project, the guys are getting curious about Jasper's relationship with Bella as well as what's going on with Jasper himself, Jasper decided to open up to Edward and thus, Alice, a new character was introduced, we got a peek inside Edward's head, more of Jasper's past was revealed and he decided to buy Bella a birthday present! That was a very busy chapter, folks!
