The Happy Family
By Triggerhappy Maniac
+A Weiss Kreuz Fanfiction+

Author's Notes: TO ALL PEOPLE OUT THERE ALIVE: COKE IS A GOOD THING. All Ye, Hear Ye, Come forth to watch the freak show of SCHWARZ! Watch Schuldich the Woman, Nagi the Underaged and Farfello the Charming Frenchman. BRADLEY CRAWFORD WILL NEVER LIVE THIS DOWN!!!
[ps: I LOVE YOU GUYS! My sis just got me a WHOLE pot of mocha. happyhappyhappyhappyhappy. a BIG THANKEW that all reviewers!No longer Depressed and Down! Soo sorry to take such a long time to complete this, cause my computer crashed and erased TWO WHOLE CHAPTERS THAT I WAS GOING TO POST UP THE VERY NEXT DAE! Arg. MochaMochaMocha*]

Chapter Two: Pretty Woman ( a.k.a Brad, I'm Gonna Kill You! )

==Boys and Girls==

Following the Crowd down to Greece
On holiday
Take your Chance
Searching for
Boys who are Girls
And Girls who are boys
Who do Boys like they are Girls
Who do Girls like they are Boys

By Blur.=========


" I'm twelve?", Nagi gaped at the American in front of him. His eyebrow twitched. Schwarz was gathered in the now clean livingroom.
" Well, it suits you. You are way too small for your age and pretending to be younger will help you get through to the other adults--"
" I'M FREAKING TWELVE??!!!!" Nagi rose from the couch, screaming at the brown-haired oracle sitting opposite. " DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SHIT MEANS??!! IT MEANS THAT I HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY *SHORT* LIFE BEING DRESSED UP AND NOOGIED OVER BY *YOUR* FAMILY!!!!" The telekinetic had arrived home to find the other members gathered where they were. * I had SUCH a bad feeling about this...* He sighed, his voice spent.
* At least you're not a woman, Naggles* The German was sulking on the couch beside Brad, his flaming hair draped past his face, hiding what would most likely be a venomous expression. Farfello was simply resting his elbows against the couch that the boy was sitting.
" I understand that you may be SLIGHTLY reluctant to embark on this mission--"
* Congrats, Braddy-Boy, THAT was the understatement of the year...*
" Yeah..." Nagi settled back into his seat.
The Farf simply gave an umphf of agreement.
He ignored them, " but this coincides with the need to move our headquarters--"
* Into your parent's attic?*
"--And this would be the perfect cover of our shift."
Nagi shifted to a comfortable spot, " One question, "
" What?"
" Why twelve on the PASSPORT? I don't see why the WHOLE world needs to know that it's official..." The telekinetic's face was still sour.
Brad sighed as he explained further. " There may be certain authorities looking out for us. Having a young child with us and travelling as a family would allow us through most security checks."
" Then what Farfie gonna be?" Nagi looked up at the Irishman hovering over him.
Farfello blinked his golden eye, his attention caught.
" Um... Farfello would be my brother-in-law..." Brad mused. " We may have to change his appearance a little...He might scare all the little--"
Farfello stared. If Brad was wise enough, he would have taken this as a hint. ...well, too bad.
" --No religious spoutings, no visible knives and you would have to act a bit more charming..." Brad, Nagi and Schuldich ( through his hair, because all hair refuses to get out of the way during bad hair days, BAD HAIR! BAD HAIR!) watched cautiously ( and tersely ) for the madman's reaction, ready to run if need be.
The silvered-haired man took a deep breath, as if to scream. ( The others jerked a little... ) Then he bowed his head a little and let his breath out in a audible whoosh.
He looked up.
" It would be my pleasure, Moseiur, " His accent changed although his voice remained essentially the same. A perfect little mocking bow completed the effect. ( He actually seemed sane although a little out of place.) He grinned a wide-toothed grin and he was the Farf again.
The others stared wide-eyed at him, Nagi was the first to stutter something out.
" Farfie.. You're...You're..?"
* FRENCH?* The German gasped.
" Ah, no, dear Sirs, my psyochologist at Esset was French. I had him for a few years--"
" What happened to him?"
"--the French scream the same as everybody else."
" Oh."
Nagi shuddered while Brad gathered his thoughts.
Sculdich simply complained. *Oh goodie! Now we all know we have a schizo in the house...Another one.*
"That means that Schuldich and Farfello will have to be adopted... I don't think people will accept a natural family comprising of German, French or Irish members....." He looked again at Farfello. He was already having second thoughts about this. Brad, not Farfie.
" Maybe we'll dye your hair blond, I't'll make you eye less conspicuous."
Farfie muttered something under his breath. Brad pretended not to notice.
"Hmn... Now for family history...We'll all just be from an orphanage, which will explain why we all don't look alike, and that we have just 'adopted' as child of age twelve then...."
*You really didn't need to tell us, we all ALREADY know you're adopted. By force.--*
Brad pretended not to hear. And did what he usually did best. Change the topic.
Brad coughed a little before turning to the German beside him. * Schuldich, I need to talk to you in private...*
* What?* The two other members looked on in interest at the silent thought-conversation going on between the telepath and the other. Nagi mused that it looked like some mime movie with color.
* You know that you would have to wear some--*
* Girl clothes, yeah I know,--* An irked voice snapped back.*I'm not even going to look at pink, you know?*
* No that, I mean, that ,um...* A mental cough.
* WHAT? Spit it out--*
* Um.. you know that females have some PARTS that , um, guys don't...?* mental cough-cough.* COUGHCOUGHCOUGH.*
*Oh god, you can't mean this--*
* It's already in your room, you have to wear it--*
*SHIT--*
The German shot up suddenly from the couch, slightly intimidating as he towered over the other occupants of the living room. " I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!!!" And stormed off.
Nagi mused that they must have been talking about body parts, from the miffed look on the German's face. It was VERY red.
Cursing mental insults at the bloody world, the stupid household and a @*&#@*Braddy Crawfish. Brad waited a moment before he heard the door to the telepath's room slam shut.
_______BAMNM.____________
He winced as he turned back to the dining table. He found Nagi and the madman staring mercilessly back at him. Nagi still sulked.
" Explain again why I'M twelve..."

For Brad, the night just got a LOT longer...sigh.

***

Schuldich slammed the door behind him.
The window frames rattled. His room was dark as it always was, with micellaneous items scattered all over the place. The messed sheet on his bed was slightly depressed as an object rested there. The redhead moved over the floor to the sleeping pad. The latex prosthesis of a chest stared back at him. He picked up the rubber thingy and snorted. Of COURSE Braddy Boy wanted a big-chested partner, but THIS BIG?
He moved over to the cupboard and grabbed a clean towel (not that clean but clean enough), popping the ridiculously large double d into the wastepaper basket beside the bathroom door. He shut the semi-transparent door behind himself, making sure that it was locked. Hmph. Men.
He faced the bathroom mirror.
The flourescent light cast a clean tint to a flame haired elfin figure.
He pulled off the ludricously bright yellow bandana, dropping it into the sink before him. He shook the full mane of silken hair. And looked up again. The bandana served it's purpose distracting people from the true face that lay below.
Large deep emerald eyes now dominated the face instead of the bandana, a shock amid the scarlet hair.Considering that this colouring appeared less frequently than not... Schuldich sighed as he shook his hair back, shrugging off his ridiculous green jacket, placing it on a hook on the bathroom wall. He pulled the tank top over his head, hearing some cracks and pops.
Haven't had a job in a long time. Must be getting stiff. A person listening would have thought he broke his back.
He watched the figure in the mirror meticulously, the figure now dressed in only a tight pair of leather pants,---and a chest wrap.
A HA.
Bet Braddy-boy didn't know THAT!
He reached backwards to unclip the metal bits along the wrap, wincing as it slowly came off. It peeled off, leaving red marks on the suntanned skin.Hmn....Imagine a Lady in an all-guy assassin group....
Now he watched a fully (and DEFINITELY)FEMALE figure in the mirror, her curves the kind that any sane woman would die for.The gorgeous woman in the mirror pouted her already full lips, tapping a finger. *Wouldn't Braddy boy be soOoO interested....?* The elfin face was delicate under the scarlet flame of hair.


Which didn't match the absolutely evil look on it.

A Mastermind not only by name ...

**********

Brad Crawford was busy explaining to an exasperated Nagi. Before he could toss him out the window.
" I'm just saying that--"
A mental voice drifted through the house.
*Yo Braddykins~, when we sleep together at your house, do you want me in skimpy leather lingerie or nothing?*
Brad blanched.
Nagi snickered.
Farfello looked thoughtful.

Brad coughed a little to turn their attention to something else.

************

It was a long story about how Schuldich got to be a girl.Female. Femme Fatal. WO-man (WHOAH-man.). But the truth is...
He was already female in the first place.
And it was on nights like these that Poor Schus-schu has to go through what all WO-men have to go through.
Yup, you guessed it. PMS. Not POST-men stress. Not PRE-men stress. It was PRESENT-men stress. Which also meant that all the men in the household also go through a LOT of stress.
Unfortunately, with the PMS, Schu also has bad dreams. Very bad dreams. Bad enough to make you sleepwalk yourself to the toilet and flush your head-- You get the idea.
" Shit, I'm out of pills." Schuldich rummaged through the bathroom cupboards, where empty bottles clattered into the sink. Bottles filled with anesthetic, bottles filled with painkillers (he never used them). And an empty bottle that was originally filled with sleeping pills specially reserved for occasions such as this.
If the others knew this secret (all women need secrets), they would have gladly supplied him with enough sleeping pills to knock him/her out to kingdom come. Which just goes to show how bad Schu can get sometimes.
He(She) slammed the door-mirror hard enough to jiggle it.
"Shit, Shit, SHIT!" He stormed out of the bathroom, and landed with a running leap on his bed.It creaked threateningly. So would everything else if Schu jumped on them.
"SHIIIIIIIT! I FORGOT TO GET THE STUPID PILLS!!!......Wait..." An idea sprung to his head, he moved off the bed(thank god) and hurried out the door, maybe Farfie's room would have some... inspiration.
What kind of inspiration we do not want to know.
He hurried down the hallway to the metal door of the Farf. A very nice metal blast door around 5 inches thick.
Nope he wasn't inside. Good. He could still hear the murmur of conversation downstairs. With splatterings of shouting.The door creaked as Schuldich pushed it open, a stale stench greeting him, *Gods Farf! You gotta clean up your room!*
*Eh? What are you doing in my room?* Schuldich caught an image of Brad being threatened to be thrown out the window by Nagi. Farfie was egging him on.
*I want to borrow something, don't tell Braddy...*
*Tch. Don't touch my knive collection.I added a chopper the other day that--*
*Yech. Like I want to...I don't want to know what's been there.* He/she heard a bit of conversation. Apparently, Brad could tell when the telepath was talking to people. Cause the people whom he talks to will start behaving peculiarly. Like hallucanating or talking to themselves. Like the Farf.
*Brad wants me to tell you that there some former Taketori's secretary coming over tommorrow to help you to help you with your dresses... Wardrobe...whatever.*
Brad voice rang from the level below. "I DIDN'T SAY--"
*WHAT DRESSES?!*
* He wants you to dress up nice and girly for his parents.*
Brad again. " FARFELLO!!!"
*TELL HIM TO GO PLAY WITH A CONSTIPATED BARBIE DOLL!*
Pause.
*He says that Barbie Dolls(TM) look demonic. And he says when we stay over at his parents house, he'll be sleeping on the floor, far away from you.*
* Good, I get to hog the whole bed. Hey, I'm stealing your strait jacket for tonight.*
*Don't get it dirty, I want it back.* Apparently, Farf is not one to ask questions. It comes with living with everyone too long. Things happen.
*S'Okay.*
Schuldich peered throught the darkness of the room at a pile of strait jackets on the floor, chains from the ceiling, and a couple of Benga Boys/Toybox/ Dance Dance Revolution cds on the floor. Farf REALLY knows how to torture himself. Sculdich winced.
He looked at the pile of strait-jackets.some more practical, some rather fashionable. He rummaged throught he pile till he came upon a rather sturdy-looking one. At least he wouldn't break out of that...if he wore it. There was a little stain in the corner that he didn't want to think about...He wrinkled his nose. Ah well...(I mean, if you need alot of sleeping pills to keep you from getting violent, a strait-jacket is the next best thing.)He shut the door behind him as he hurried back to his room before anybody could see him.
He/she locked his door.
At least nobody would be able to hear what he was doing. The telepath tried not to think about the inevitable dreams, brought on by the courtesy of pms, cause it wasn't really healthy to dwell on such things. He shrugged the jacket over his head, patting it down as it puffed up. Then he made sure that the arms were tightly tied and tried. He struggled a little to make sure... He sighed and plopped down on his bed, biting a gag as he snuggled down the covers...He absolutely hated what he knew was going to happen (but there was nothing he could do about the dreams anyway)...He paused, reconsidering the alternative to scram over to the drugstore to get more sleeping pills...
Oh well...Just for tonight.
A few minutes later the redhead was fast asleep,snuggled in the jacket, a nagging feeling at the back of his mind about the day after and the dangerous lack of sleeping pills and required medication. He had been off that medication for about three months...The sleeping pills for one... The busy night noise of Tokyo drowned out the gentle breathing of a telepath. After all it was only a dream that he was going through, nothing more, nothing less....

But if it was a dream why would it hurt so much?

Sculdich twitched.
And jerked.
And moaned...

Because not everyone has a past like she did.

A minute later the spasms and screaming started in full, silenced by the strait jacket and gag, unheard by the trio down below...The figure on the bed tangled itself up the bedsheets as it twisted. No, she would only remember the past too clearly in the morning. It was best if no one knew. God know what they would think.
Tears began to roll down a german's face...

********************

The sun shone brightly throught the megatropolis of Tokyo as morning dawned. A speeding sports car screamed through the morning traffic as it sped in the direction of the Scharwz headquarters.
Takeshi Souchiro grinned as she spun round a corner. Today Crawford-san asked her to come to his house.
YEAH BABY!Crawford-san was always nice to the ladies in the office, even when Mr Taketori mysteriously resigned. Always brought really nice cakes from REALLY hard-to-find shops. ABSOULUTELY SEXY MAN. She almost fainted when he asked her over to his house (to help his wife get a new wardrobe, of course he should have a wife by now, cause he was SOooOoO GOOD-LOOKING, but that DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL.....She was just ADMIRING him...) He worked for Mr Taketori but she wasn't very sure what he did, maybe some important jobs or something....LALALA
She screeched to a halt outside the Scharwz apartment, hopping out of her shining sports car onto the pavement. She hurried up the steps to the front door and hammered on the bell, best to be early for a meeting than late, ESPECIALLY with Crawford-san!

********************
Authors notes: you know, I always thought that working office ladies in animes always had thoughts like that... One long BUZZ of them.
********************

The breakfast table was already filled at three spots.
One chair filled by Brad. Drinks his coffee calmly, and reads the morning papers.
One chair filled by Nagi. ( there was a little space in between them...)Eating all the junk that sixteen-year-olds eat.
A one WHOLE side for Farfie. Who ate cereal. With milk. Brad wouldn't let him eat anything else that used knives. Cause everyone wuld lose their appetites for breakfast sooner or later.
Crawford was already up and running before the doorbell even rang.(One good point of having precognition there...)

RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGIRNINRININIRNIRNIRNIRNIRNIRNIRNRIRIR--.

Nagi and Farfie grimaced.

He moved smoothly to get it, leaving Farfello and Nagi to man the breakfast table. Farfello was stabbing his food (with a spoon) in an attempt to eat it in pieces while Nagi's honeyed wafer fell back into his plate after a full orbit around Crawford, threatening to stain his spotless pressed suit. Crawford glared for a moment before continuing on his path.
The door opened on his over-eager secretary, who was on the verge of launching herself at him. He gave a warm smile, " Good Morning, Souchiro-san, thank you for coming,"
*OOOOOOOOOOOOO HE IS SOOOOOOO CUUUUUUTE!!!*
The breathless woman found herself hustled into the living room where she flopped onto a plush couch (with some dagger holes but she didn't really notice, cause all her attention was riveted on...)
"CRAWFORD-SAN!THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME HERE!" (she attempted to glomp him)
Crawford evaded successfully. Always the unpreturbed gentlemen...He smiled again. "Coffee?"
"YES!"
Crawford hurried away slowly (is that possible?) to the kitchen, to a safer place away from the now-rabid secretary. The others looked up as he rushed in. Crawford gathered his breath.
"Why isn't Schuldich down yet?"
"Cause he's most probably still snoring his ass off somewhere in LaLa Land?"
"Shit!" Crawford prepared to hurry up the stairs. He looked back for a moment.
"Can I trust you two to deal with her? Nagi, entertain her while I get Schuldich... "
Nagi looked up, " Well, she can't be worse than your Mom. I'm on." He got up from his place at the table.
"Hn." A grunt from the Farf.
"No, Farfello, you stay here. Don't scare her away while I go get Schuldich out of bed."
"Don't climb INTO the bed and make us wait," Farfie and Nagi snickered.
"Have you been reading any R-rated things on that Internet of yours?" Crawford looked REALLY suspiciously at Nagi who looked innocent.
"Me? Why, I'm just BARELY underaged, how could you suspect dear little--"
"Nevermind."

************************************

Brad sped up the stairs to Schuldich's room, the first on the right.

*Heck, he should be awake by now...* He turned the knob to the room. Hmm... It was locked. He gave a sigh. Oh well...
__________________BAMN____________________________
He kicked the door in.


************************************

Souchiro was OoOogling over Nagi as he walked into the livingroom, a robotic smile on his face.
"OOoO you must be Crawford-san's little brother!!!! SO KAWAIIIII!"
Nagi cursed mentally. Stupid Brad... "Actually, nee-chan, I'm his son...."
*WHAT?* That wiped the smile off her face. That would mean that Crawford-san is REALLY old....
"But I'm adopted." *Who wants to be related to him,,,,*
Souchiro-san's face burst out into a sunny smile again.

Suddenly a loud BANG came from the floor above, echoing through the house.
"WHAT WAS THAT!?" Souchiro's voice raised about a few degrees above the human hearing...
Nagi winced. He bet that Farfie winced too. "Um, I think that was 'Dad' waking 'Mom' up...They are a little..--"
"--um...active..."
After saying that, Nagi's brain went into overtime and he turned REALLY red...
Hooo BOY...he was going to have a little trouble thinking straight after this...

************************************

Brad peered cautiously into the room, the darkness permeaded by the faintest of lights from the window. He could make out the shape of a figure on the bed. The room was a mess.He sighed as he pushed the door fully open.The splinters showered down from the doorframe.
He stopped. "Schuldich?" He moved closer to the figure on the bed, draped with a blanket. He poked it. "Hey."
*I bet that he can sleep through an earthquake...*
"Wake up Sleepyhea--"
A moan greeted him as the figure tried to flip over. Tried to flip over. Tethered on the edge of the matress for a moment...
And landed with an ungraceful THUMP on carpeted floor.
"OOOOOFFFF!!!WHAT THE $#!+?! #$%^&*()_@$^&^@#&@?!" A german voice managed to yell out a whole string of profanities as he struggled on the floor , still covered by the blanket. THUMPTHUMPTHUMP. Brad sighed. He was going to sleep with a psycho at his parent's house? Bring on the sleeping pills and bandages, baby...
"Stay still!" Brad pulled off the twisted blanket intertwined in the struggling body, off the verbally-offensive german.
"For SHIT'S SAKE DONT PULL THE BLANKET--"
Crawford blinked. Add straps and chains and tranquilizer to that list please...
"OMIGOD. What are you doing in that strait-jacket?!"
"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" Schuldich was having a VERY BAD headache and loud noises was making his head throb...
"THE SECRETARY'S DOWNSTAIRS ALREADY! GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF THAT!"
"HOW THE SHIT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS?!"
"THE SAME WAY YOU GOT IN?!"
"WELL I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN"T KNOW THAT THIS JACKET BOASTS A ONE-WAY TICKET ONLY!"
"THEN WHAT THE SHIT WERE YOU DOING IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"
" I WAS VISITING MY MOMMA! NOW SHUT UP BEFORE YOU MAKE MY HEAD WORSE!"
Brad shut up but he directed his thoughts at the german.
*WHAT KIND OF IDIOT STRAPS HIMSELF INTO A LOONEY SUIT FOR FUN?! Hn...with the exception of Farfello of cours--*
Schuldich's eyes's and head hurt. That stupid dream again...*Shut UP! I can hear you, you know?*
Brad sighed as he attempted to lift/ease? the German into a sitting position on the bed," Sit down, I'll help you get out of that."
"Why? I'll get it off myself..."
"Yeah, by ripping your arms out of the socket..."
"Oh, you DO paint a lovely picture of the future..."
"Ah shut up." Brad pulled the tough canvas jacket over Schuldich's head as he sat down, creasing the already rumpled sheets. He looked down as he tossed the jacket on the floor.
He turned a bright red as he raised an eyebrow. Schuldich wasn't wearing exactly anything. NOT EXACTLY. "You sleep with those things on?"
"What things?" Schuldich's sleep-besotted brain wasn't exactly functioning in the morning...He scratched his head, trying to get rid of the knots in his hair. Dang, this long hair was REALLY getting to him...
"THOSE things..." Brad's voice was getting a little clinical...a sign that he was fighting off distraction. Oh, the immense distractions that only a woman can possess...
Schu looked down.
"What things?...OH, THOSE things...Oh, um..." Schu looked down at his t-shirt covered chest.
Um, yeah, CHEST.
*OH SHIT.*
And realised that Crawford was staring.*Shit shit shit, forgot to wear the chest bind last night..*.
*I hope he doesn't look into my waste basket....*He covered his chest as he realised that ALL he was wearing, was A t-shirt...No pants, no UNDERPANTS (he wore underwear, rather skimpy to be exact...), no NOTHING. He felt, literally, naked. *OH SHIT--*
Brad, however, was having very different thoughts...He zoned out as Schuldich made a show of trying to pull the already TINY t-shirt further down to cover a LITTLE more skin.
*OH GOD*
*STOP LOOKING YOU ASSHOLE! GIVE A GUY(oh shit, i nearly said GIRL) SOME PRIVACY!*
Crawford looked away as Schuldich attempted to pull the tiny t-shirt further down...A most feminine-like action...
He turned back. And coughed." I see that you were training up on feminine behavior...interesting..."
*Would you like to try?* Schuldich's tone was sweet enough to kill...
*Oh well...the strait-jacket must be for in-flight training...training himself not to SLEEP all over the other airline passengers I suppose....* He hurriedly switched the subject. He looked down at Schuldich. NOthing to be ashamed about, we're all guys in here, and THAT...is just a prosthesis...nothing more or less...
"You know, those things look absolutely real--" He bent over as he POKED poor Schu in the chest rather clinically...

BIG mistake.

__________SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!__________

A poor Brad Crawford was sent pinwheeling to the other end of the room rather quickly. Ouch.
*WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!* Brad clutched at his mortally wounded face with its rather fancy PERMANANT red handprint complete with fingerprints imprinted hard enough to be seen. Lucky he thought-yelled. If he did it aurally, we'd hear him on the other side of the Artic Ocean.

After a most traumatic experience; Schuldich grinned sweetly (more like the TradeMarked Schu Smirk)."I was just...Cultivating a proper female response...." (Of course it was a proper female response. We ALL approve of it, don't we?) His/her hand just moved...all by itself... (natural reaction to all perverts who can't keep their hands to themselves...)
Brad's hurt expression hardened as he stormed out of the room. His voice was icy as he moved into the hall, " You better hurry up and get out of bed. Souchiro-san, the secretary, is waiting for you downstairs." And he huffed and puffed his way back below...* He didn't HAVE to hit me that hard....*
Schuldich watched the leader stride out of the open door and grumbled as he moved off the bed(thankfully at last) to his bathroom. That was one of the closest shaves that he had come across. Schuldich made sure that he/she took her time in choosing her outfit. Something nice and tight with boots...

Heh. Stupid Crawford. He/she looked at her reflection in the mirror, and gave a murmur of approval. *when one dresses,--*

*--one should dress to kill.* He gave the redhaired beauty in the mirror a wink. She winked right back.

Brad thought-yelled as he stomped down the staircase.* HURRY UP ALREADY!*

*He WANTS me to hurry? I ain't in no hurry to be playing Doll....Barbie Doll...* the telepath grumbled for a moment. Only a moment, before a thought lifted his spirits. Schuldich literally skipped out the room.. Oh, just think of all the men she'd push over the proverbal edge today...Oh, the wonders of being female...

*************************
Nagi was having a nightmare.
In addition to talking to the SCARY lady, he ---
Had his cheeks pinched.
Pinched.
STREEEEEEEETCHED.
And PUUUUUUUUUULLLED.
*This is DEFINITELY not in my CONTRAAA~AAACT!!!!* All the noise from above didn't help in his embarrassment at all. Not one bit....
He yelped in relief as he spotted Brad coming back down the staircase." Brad!"
"OoOh, Crawford-san! Your son is just SOOOO ADORABLE!" PinchPinchPinch. She PUULLED. Crawford winced slightly at the sight. *Sorry, Nagi*
Brad winced as their telepathy network came online with the ritualistic waking of the local telephone, um, telepath.
*IF YOUR MOM IS WORSE THAN THAT THAT THAT THING OVER THERE, I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF--*
He could almosst hear Schuldich laughing now...
Souchiro grinned brightly as she played with such a CUTE little boy.She heard footsteps THUMP hurriedly down the staircase.*Crawford-san must have gotten his wife up already..Ah!* She watched a pair of booted feet descend the staircase behind Crawford-san, "Oh, here she is, Ohayo Crawford-chan....." Her words died in her throat.
Descending the staircase in slow motion; Hair-tossing wildly in an unseen wind, shapely limbs moving freely, was the most beautiful woman that she EVER seen...* OMIGOD, Crawford-san's wife must be a SUPERMODEL.* She already envied the full lips, the cream coloured skin...everything... The booted feet now rested on the carpet of the livingroom floor. Envy, envy, envy....
Brad wondered at the peculiar look on the secretay's face. Was the disguise so obvious...? He winced behind her back as he waited for the worst...
Green eyes blinked their long lashes at her. "Good morning..."
She simply squealed,"SOOOOO PRETTY!!! Crawford-san must be the luckiest man in the world!!!"
Brad must've thought her mad. Farfello looked up from the breakfast table as flocks of crows squawked and flew away in the distance. After taking a glance at a CHESTFUL of german, Farfello now decided to scramble to his room to clean his eyes out with a knife. EARGH. Disgusti--
*SHUT UP FARF.* EVERYONE could hear the LOUD mental sulks except for--
"Souchiro-san, please meet my wife--" Brad placed a cautious hand on Schu's shoulder. Schuldich was practically dripping with mental menace...
Nagi snickered as he scrambled off the couch, away from the MONSTER. Farfello grinned unseen in the kitchen. Schuldich glared.
*Schu is Brad's wife!*
*wifewifewifewife--*
"--Schully."
Nagi howled with laughter as he made his getaway up the staircase.A spray of food could be seen in the doorway to the kitchen as Farfie choked on his breakfast. Schuldich just--
*WHAT KIND OF SHIT NAME IS THAT?!* Schuldich could just barely keep a perfuctionary smile on his face as he fumed, his hands inching into fists around an imaginary Braddy neck.
Brad winced.
Souchiro looked surprised as she said,"What? What's so funny?"
*I couldn't think off anything--*
*EXCEPT THE X-FILES?!*
*Well--"
Souchiro pounced forward as the couple gazed lovingly into each other's eyes (PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS FROM AN ALTERNATE POINT OF VIEW) She clasped 'Schully's' hands in hers. Schuldich looked down in surprise.
"Nice to meet you, Scully-san!"
Another howl of laughter could be heard from both UPSTAIRS and from the KITCHEN.

(*X-FIlesX-FilesX-Files!!!!!*)

*********************************

Schuldich, um, now "Schully", slammed the front door.
Souchiro winced. Schully-san doesn't seem to be a morning person...
*YOU EVIL SON OF A $%^^%*^%** Schuldich screamed at the unoffending apartment building. Crawford winced as the thought shot right through the six foot thick steel walls(which was covered by slightly ketchup-stained flowery wallpaper). The female pair walked down the stone steps to the side walk. Schuldich didn't look back.
Brad sighed behind the front door.
*--We got a bullet-proof, sound-proof, rust proof metal walls, but why couldn't have gotten a thought-proof--*
*I HEARD THAT!*
Ooops. Shouldn't have let that thought slip....
*Goodbye, have a nice shopping trip, dear. See you in the evening...* Brad's mental voice was heavily sarcastic.
*I'll be sure to bring a lovely little carving knife set for your "brother-in-law", then I'll set him loose on you...*
Souchiro was thinking as she made her way to the parking lot. *What a nice family... Wonder why doesn't Schully-san kiss her husband goodbye? * She led 'Schully' to the sports car glittering in the morning sunlight. * I wonder how they met.....*
She began to break the uneasy silence, " Um, Schully-san, where do you want to go--"
Schuldich heard the little muse. And grinned hugely. He stopped Souchiro-san. "Hold on a moment, I forgot something important." He ran back up the steps to the front door where he started hammering.
Brad sighed as he heard someone banging on the door as he began to walk away. Schuldich must have forgotten something. He turned back to the door and was going to twist the handle when a __DON'TOPENTHEDOORORYOU'LLREGRETIT__ sense of danger came over him. He blinked as the feeling dissapated. He felt should follow his instincts and leave the door closed, but NOOOOOOOO, he just HAD to open the door--

A red-haired whirlwind launched itself into his arms, wrapping her/his arms behind Brad's head, forcing it downwards where it met--

--a pair of amazingly warm and soft and impossibly feminie --lips.

Brad froze in as his 'wife' pressed against him, forcing him to stumble back a step. His mind was a blank. *Wha---*
*This is just one of the many punishments you get for making me your wife, Braddy-Baby,*
The German smirked at his shocked expression. and breathed into his ear.


* then you'll see how bad this can get when we get to your parent's house...*

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CHAPTER TWO = END

Authors Notes (I know you all hate this but hear up for a while): I love you guys.Exams are (incredibly) over!My sis commented on a problem with the fic. _WHY DO I ALWAYS REFER TO SCHUSCHU AS A 'HE' /'SHE' WHEN WE ALL KNOW THAT HE IS A SHE?_

Don't get it? Read the sentence carefully.

I mean, when you write, consider Brad point of view.
Brad: *Oh my god, I'll be sleeping with a guy.*

This is because in his mind, Schu is a GUY. ( BRAD! That's DISGUSTING! Enough of messing around with Brad inner voice...)

Then you consider Schu's point of view.
Schu: "MAN, I look GOOD. "

That's because we all know that he has the right organs, body parts....etc...

Oh well, don't wait up for chapter Three. I already wrote the first part of charter four (few thousand words only...) And the whole plot twists from there. It's really complicated after you find out who Brad's dad is. Brad himself doesn't even know it.

Brad* I don't...?*

Brad, I can read your thoughts right off the page. No. You. Don't. That's where it all gets dangerous and the white lie that Braddy-baby here tells his parents gets bigger and bigger. Because Schwarz may all die it they're found out. Sad, isn't it? But it gets funnier. CAUSE CHAPTER THREE IS WHERE THEY ALL GO SHOPPING! Find out a little about Schu's past as well...as far as I know, there are several thousand versions of 'em out there....That's one guy with a lot of past.

Damn. I have to retype the whole of chapter three. ALL Twenty-thousand over words of it....

Review and make me happy, people. If you don't, I won't know either, but for pete's sake, boost my ego will ya?

My ego is the size of a pea. And I don't like peas.

(p.s.: who's pete?)