A/N: originally, I had two ideas for stories, but then I got the bright idea to put them together. I could make the story stronger, faster, better than before... or however it goes. I know some of you will flame me for being a Mary-Sue pusher, but just wait, it's not what it seems. I'm not exactly sure where this fits in with the books; so just correct me if I'm wrong. Beware though, I only speak nOOb...
Disclaimer: Do I look old? Do I look Irish? Do I look like my name is Eoin Colfer? For Pete's sake, DO I LOOK LIKE A GUY? Oh yeah... you can't see me... oh well, I don't own any of it but the plot, and that's someone else's story, so basically I have no imagination.
Looks Are Deceiving
"Hello everyone," The headmistress of St. Brigit's paused and waited for everyone to finish their various greetings. From the center of the room came one sarcastic reply.
"Of course hell is low! Where else would it be?" there were a few strained chuckles, which were greeted with a withering glance from the headmistress, and quickly silenced before the headmistress continued.
"Welcome to our sixth annual combined St. Bartleby's-St. Brigit's Dinner Party and Ball. I am very pleased that all of our esteemed and honored guests could take the time from their busy schedules to join us for an evening of merry-making to celebrate the coming together of two such fine establishments as our two schools. Tonight we celebrate the strong bond of unity..." The headmistress continued her speech, reciting something which she thought was a truly inspired and eloquently put metaphor, which was really nothing but some badly written prose that compared school, unity politics, and yes, even romance, (something that the dear headmistress both lacked and desired in her life) to a seagull choking on a fish as it flew over the ebbing tides of a heavenly beach.
Many of the esteemed and honored guests present at the event, who were in all actuality the esteemed and honored parents of the teenage students at the two fine institutions who neither esteemed nor honored their parents, being teenagers, felt themselves drifting off to the warm realms of sleep as the headmistress of St. Brigit's gave her lengthy speech. Two guests, however, seated in the far rear corner of the room with their female escort and chaperone for the evening, (one's mother and the other's wife) were as far away from sleep as they possibly could be. They were equally as far away from sleep, in fact, as they were from both the speaker and the speech. They were so distant from all these things merely because they were quite ignoring the honored headmistress and her horrible prose, and occupying themselves instead with the much more enjoyable and interesting activity of conversing with one another, and also with the even more so enjoyable and interesting activity of avoiding the condescending glare of their female escort, henceforth known in this story as one Mrs. Angeline Fowl.
The two men escorted by Mrs. Fowl were, as previously stated, her husband, henceforth to be known in this story as one Mr. Artemis Fowl Sr., a former world business leader who had recently repented of his corporate crimes following a kidnapping and imprisonment in Russian Siberia, and her son, henceforth known as one Artemis Fowl, Jr., the most intelligent human being ever to walk the face of the earth, heir to the world's fourth largest fortune, momentarily unemployed criminal mastermind, the world's leading authority on all psychological and psychiatric matters, (writing under a pseudonym, of course) the only known human to have visited the fairy city of Haven, only known human to have successfully held a fairy for ransom, only known human (along with his mother, he bodyguard Juliet, and Juliet's brother, Artemis' bodyguard, butler) to have survived a fairy biobomb, single most knowledgeable human on fairy affairs, only known human (along with butler, who actually used Artemis' knowledge to bring his memory back before Artemis did) to have achieved total recall after a fairy mind wipe, single person to have outsmarted the entire fairy population on numerous occasions, and teenaged boy.
A/N: I still haven't gotten to the actual plot, this is just a semi-pilot, and it's modeled after Douglas Adams' writings (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) please read and review! I may change to an easier format if you guys don't like this one.
