Chapter Twenty-Nine: May Angels Lead You In
Jesse
I woke up on Christmas morning next to Marco. The feeling was bittersweet: he was finally giving me a chance, but Rex was dead. Dead. He's never coming back and it's my fault. Tears filled my eyes and I let them spill over, accidentally wetting the top of Marco's head.
"You okay?" he whispered, startling me.
"No…I'm not," I choked out between sobs. "It's my fault Marco. It's my fault he's dead."
"Don't say that. It's not your fault Jesse," he said, kissing the corner of my mouth. If it had been any other time, I would have jumped at the chance to make out with him, to go further than lie there in his arms, as if it wasn't enough.
"How can you say that?" I asked him. "You don't even know what happened!" I said, raising my voice.
"Would it help at all if you told me?" he asked, wincing as he sat up a little.
"I have to tell someone," I said as I sat up too.
"I'm listening."
Nate
Thomas and I shared a room last night since Theresa wanted her own room for some odd reason and Lindsey went home. I've been incredibly jealous of that kid since he's become Thomas' new best friend. Of course, I had always been spending time with Craig back at school. Despite what happened to Rex, we hung out like old times, and had fun together like we used to. And that brought out my confession.
"Thomas, I have to tell you something." I was sitting on the edge of his bed. "I'm in love with you," I blurted out. "I always have been." He was asleep of course. I'd never dare say that to him.
I imagined his answer a million times. 'I'm in love with you too Nate,' was my own wishful thinking, wanting that to be his response. But the one I figured was inevitable would have been, 'You're sick Nate! I think of you like my brother!' Thomas would never love me because he's straight of course.
"I know Natey." When he spoke, I nearly fell off the bed. I thought he had been sleeping. Did he just hear what I said?
"Wh…what did you just say?" I asked, stuttering. "You seriously didn't hear me, did you?"
"Yeah, I did. I'm sorry if you thought I was sleeping. But listen Nate, I've known that you're in love with me. And I'm sorry for that too. I didn't think it would happen. You're my best friend and like a brother to me. Besides, I'm straight. And I'm in love with your sister."
"Thank you Captain Obvious," I said, standing up and holding back tears.
"What did you want me to say?" he asked, sitting up and throwing back the blankets.
"You're right. I expected exactly that answer. I just…wish that someone could love me the way that I love them," I choked out, turning back to face him.
"What about Craig?" he asked. I scoffed at the thought, which caused him to raise an eyebrow. I returned to my seated position next to him.
"What about him? I don't think he really loves me. I found out that he had a girlfriend back in Canada, and he was cheating on her with me."
"I thought he was gay…"
"Yeah, so did I. I guess he doesn't really know," I told him.
"Nate…I…I gotta tell you something," Thomas said suddenly. "I should have told you a long time ago. I mean, before, I was afraid to tell anyone…and then Lindsey found out. But I need to tell you."
"What is it?" I asked, turning towards him.
Remy
Someone knocking on my door woke me up.
"I'm coming!" I yelled. Rory and I had shared a room last night, but he wasn't there anymore. I threw open the door, pretty angry that I'd been torn from my sleep, only to see her standing there. Little miss sexual revenge. "What do you want Theresa?" I asked.
"Can we talk?" she asked. She looked a little upset.
"Fine," I said, sighing and stepping aside so she could come into the room. I watched as she sat on my bed, and then decided to sit on Rory's. I didn't really feel like being to close to her. "What is it that you want?" I asked, tapping my foot impatiently.
"I wanted to say…that I'm sorry," she admitted.
"What?" I asked skeptically. The girl never apologized for anything in her life.
"I had a long talk with Nate yesterday. He told me about all of his troubles with Craig, and how upset you were about our breakup. I realize now that you've been confused about your sexuality, and you needed to try stuff with a guy to decide whether you were gay or not," she explained.
"Except you know that I did all that in 9th grade. And then you cheated on me with Thomas. And that's the only reason you're having sex with him now. Because you know I hate him for that, and you're just trying to make me jealous," I said coldly. She stood up and walked over to me.
"Is it working?" he asked, sitting on me, straddling my crotch. She wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned in to kiss me. That's when I realized she was wearing very little clothing. She had a bathrobe on with nothing underneath.
"Maybe…" I trailed off.
She opened her robe a little and guided one of my hands to her breast. I cupped it in my hand and kissed her, slipping my tongue into her mouth and my other hand in between her legs. She moaned into my mouth as I did my business down there, but I suddenly stopped.
"Why'd you stop?" she asked.
"Why are you really here?"
"I told you that I was sorry. Isn't that enough?" she frowned, sticking her lower lip out.
"So you want to get back together or something?" I asked her.
"I was thinking about it," she said, grinning.
"What about Thomas?"
"Why do you care? It was only about the sex with him. You knew that. I just wanted to get back at you for sleeping with your teacher. You broke my heart."
"I'm sure I did," I said sarcastically. She wants things this way, then fine, I thought to myself. I know that something more is going on here…I'll just use this to my advantage. "Okay," I said, shrugging. I lifted her up and carried her back to my own bed.
Once we were there, I laid her down and climbed on top of her. I quickly pulled my boxers off and entered her, thrusting hard with my hips and making out with her while I did. It was over quickly, and when it was, I got up and pulled my boxers back on.
"Get out," I told her, pointing to the door.
"What?" she asked, suddenly confused.
"You heard me. It was great, but now I'm done. Did you really expect me to be pulled in by your bullshit again?" I asked. "Oh, and…didn't you hear?" I asked her.
"Hear what?"
"I'm gay!" I said, smiling.
"You're such a jerk!" she yelled. She pulled her bathrobe back on and tied it. With that, she stormed out of the room, leaving me completely satisfied.
Andrew
I woke up on the bathroom floor. I must have passed out last night after I went crazy with my razor. I got a little carried away: Marco's name is now carved into the inside of my left arm. I traced the jagged letters with my index finger and cried. I wasn't ready for any of this. Ever since Alex…
All I know is that I took a great thing away from Rory, and now I can't give that back to him. He'll hate me for this.
I looked at my right arm, and the now-white scars on it from two years ago. It was Alex's name. I had matching scars of the two guys whose lives I destroyed. And now, I'll probably have to end up adding another name.
Thomas
"Why didn't you tell me before?" Nate asked with tears in his eyes once again.
"I couldn't," I said, staring down at the floor, suddenly feeling ashamed.
"I thought he was a good guy," he said in disbelief. "Thomas, I'm so sorry. If I had known, you know I would have been there for you, no matter what."
"Don't worry about it. There's nothing you can do now. After I see my parents at graduation, I'll never see them again. I'm not going home after this. My mom will understand," I explained.
"But what if he hurts her?" Nate asked. "She doesn't deserve that either."
"He won't. It's me that he wants."
A long silence followed. Both of us cried about the situation. The one thing I didn't tell him was about the lengths my dad went to when he abused me. No one will ever find out about that if I can help it. I won't let them find out I'm that weak.
"I should probably tell you something too," Nate said finally. "Craig…he…he does it too…" he finally said.
"WHAT?"
Rory
We all sat in the living room, staring at the Christmas tree and the presents surrounding it. They were all presents that we'd put there for each other. But no one wanted to open them.
I noticed Marco and Jesse huddled together on the couch; Jesse with his head resting on Marco's shoulder. Then I saw Andrew sitting as far away from them as possible, with tear stained cheeks and runny mascara. Without having to ask anyone, I knew what had happened.
After almost an hour of silence, Jesse stood up, walked over to the tree, and started crawling around. We watched as he gathered all of Rex's presents and carried them off upstairs. He came back a minute later, and approached me, surprisingly enough.
"Can I talk to you?" he asked me.
"Um…" I turned to look at Marco. He nodded his head and nudged me forward, so I got up and followed Jesse into the kitchen. He sat down at the table, but I stayed standing, leaning against the counter.
"I need to ask you something," he said, sighing and resting his head in his hands.
"Go for it," I told him.
"When Rex and I were talking before he died, he told me he had AIDS."
"What does this have to do with me?" I asked.
"Because he mentioned your name. He said these exact words: 'I never told anyone…not even Rory.' Then, when I asked him why you, he said, 'Tell him I'm sorry. For never saying anything. I know he was scared. He still is.'"
I instantly realized what he was getting at. Rex was the person I got HIV from.
I wasn't sure what to do with the information. My heart felt like it was stuck in my throat. I couldn't say anything. Tears stung the corners of my eyes.
"Did you have sex with him?" Jesse asked, starting to tear up as well.
I nodded my head and let my own tears spill over.
"Was it while he and I were together?" he asked this time.
I shook my head but felt the need to explain.
"It was before either of us knew you," I told him.
"How did you know him?"
"It was merely business."
I left the house through the side door so I wouldn't have to see anyone else. The truth was that when I was living on the streets, Rex was one of my good friends that lived with me. He had run away from home, afraid to tell his parents that he was gay. When I got adopted, he went back to try and fix things at home. We haven't spoken since.
Rex was my first love. But he never knew that. And now no one else would either.
Marco
The next day, we were supposed to be going back to school, but we didn't. It was the day of Rex's funeral. Jesse had to plan it all. I helped him of course, but since we weren't exactly sure what to do, and didn't have much time to do it, there wasn't a wake. Tomorrow we have to take a short plane trip back to school.
I went to the hospital last night for a check up, and they said I was okay to go back to school as long as I took it easy. Jesse had gone with me. He hasn't left my side since we got together. I don't blame him. I know that he's waited a long time for this.
We were sitting at the funeral in complete silence. There weren't many people there. There was me, Jesse, Nate, Thomas, Lindsey, Rory, Remy, and Andrew. Craig couldn't make it; he had to go straight to school. Of course, Alyssa, Jeff, and Isabella came too, but they didn't come together. Alyssa brought the baby and Jeff came shortly after she did, sitting on the opposite side of the room from her.
Surprisingly enough, Rex's parents attended. They sat, stone-faced, and never shed a single tear.
Being at the funeral reminded me of my mother's death. It was around the same time of year. I broke down then, but no one noticed. I started thinking about my dad too, and how I should have been there for him during this time. I'm ashamed of myself now.
I was brought out of my thoughts when Jesse left my side and approached the podium at the front of the room. I'd almost forgotten that he was going to give the eulogy, and sing.
"Rex was a good friend," he began, wiping the tears from his eyes. "But on top of that, he was a great boyfriend, and an outstanding father." He motioned towards Isabella, who burst into tears. It was as if she knew what was going on. But I think she was just crying because everyone else was too. "He would want us to remember him in all the good moments we shared with him…"
I couldn't listen to any more of the speech. It was too hard. My thoughts drifted back to my mom, and how I wished she were there with me, sitting beside me. I wished she could give me advice on what to do about my dad. I didn't pay attention again until I heard soft music playing. Jesse was about to sing.
"There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
Thought I might get one more chance
What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
Never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
So what would you think of me now
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in."
A/N: The song that Jesse sang at the funeral (and where the title of the chapter comes from) is "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World and they own it. I love that song so much. Yeah, I know they had a weirdly placed winter vacation but I had to make it that way. So, the next chapter is actually going to take place on New Year's Eve…I'm gonna say that Christmas was on a Sunday, so they'd be going back to school the day after, on Monday (except because of the funeral, they didn't go until Tuesday). So, New Year's Eve would fall on that Sunday, and they'll get Monday off since it's a holiday.
