A/N: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I'm only making her characters do my bidding for a little while. The plot and original characters of Longing do belong to me, however. Jasper as the God of War and Peter "just knowing shit" are ideas that belong to Idreamofeddy.
Thank you to my amazing sister, Shelljayz, who doubles as my beta and pre-reader. You rock and I'm proud to share DNA with you. Thank you also to Laurie Whitlock, my wonderful friend and beta, and juliangelus, also my dear friend and pre-reader. I love you all.
Thank you to whomever nominated me for the TwiFic Fandom Awards, Variety is the Spice of Life category. Congratulations shirleypositive72 and Laurie Whitlock for their nominations as well. Polls for voting end on November 3rd, so, no matter who you vote for, just vote! :) I will put the link up on my profile.
Thank you to all who have read, followed, favorited and reviewed. Your support of my story continues to amaze me and I am incredibly grateful to everyone who has stuck around for this long.
To Feuerfrei023yah: I would have liked to reply to your review, but the end of your email address didn't show up. FF*net is finicky like that. I hope you will send it to me again, but try using spaces or stars where the periods would go. I am happy you are enjoying Longing, and hope to continue to hear from you. :)
To one of my guest reviewers: You have a good point. There is such a thing as too much suspense and build-up, and it can negatively impact a story. Bella deciding to stay in Forks wasn't a plot twist, however. Bella may have been resolute in her decision to leave, but she has always been torn over her feelings for the Cullens and she has slowly but steadily been getting more attached to them. As convinced as she was that she would be leaving, all that opened up the possibility that she might decide to stay, and I set it up that way on purpose so my readers would wonder, will she or won't she? It was also an exercise in more character development and Bella's psyche. I wanted to demonstrate that as fierce as she is, Forks is the only place she has ever been able to call home, and that she might try to find excuses to stay even if those excuses might be thin. I never intended for Bella to leave after the dance, but Bella has self-imposed rules she feels she has to follow, and I couldn't ignore the groundwork I had already laid on how long she planned to stay. Does that mean she won't leave at all? I won't confirm that she will or won't. She may continue to find excuses to stay or she might finally find the strength to break her ties with the Cullens and go. Part of the fun is keeping everyone guessing about when or if she does leave Forks behind her. I'm glad you appreciated why she felt she couldn't leave after Edward's revelations even if you would have preferred that she actually did, and I hope you will continue to share your thoughts with me. :)
Something to note before you read: Jasper's exact words in 35 part 1 were, "Oh shit! Am I in love with Bella?"
oOo
Sunday, December 13th, 2080
JPOV
I really fuckin' hated high school dances. Nothing good ever came of them. Not. Ever.
The last time I'd gone to one was during Alice's and my first stab at high school. I had explicitly refused to go until that manipulative, demonic midget pulled that doe-eyed, pouty-lipped, puppy dog shit. I had caved, just as she had seen I would.
What she did not see was the Major and I joining forces to drain one of our fellow dance-goers, a girl who did not understand the word no and "don't fuckin' touch me," behind the gym after a particularly grating slow song. I had never been especially sorry for that kill. Honestly, I did all but tell the girl flat out I was going to kill her if she didn't back off; my issues with touching weren't much better now than they had been then, but at least now I didn't kill people over it ... most of the time. It's not my fault she didn't listen. It is also not my fault that the Major then took the decision out of my hands. We had to move after that.
I hadn't been to a dance since ... until this one. In my opinion, the result of my attendance was no less disastrous. On the upside, I had convinced Bella that I was truly sorry for being such a dick. That was the whole point in me going, but that was just about the only positive. It was always the unintended, unforeseen consequences that bit you in the ass, and my ass had damn near been eaten whole. I was lucky I could still sit.
On the other hand, the one good thing about that fuckin' dance was thoroughly intertwined with the part that currently had me all twisted up in knots.
Bella.
Wasn't it always Bella? Didn't she always have me twisted up in knots?
It didn't even bother me that she hadn't attempted to dance with me again. Hell, she hadn't come within a ten foot radius of me for the rest of the night. I was too dazed by the idea that I could be in love with her to care what she was doing.
Could I really be in love with Bella? Was it even possible? I had spent the past one hundred sixty-five years convinced I wasn't capable of that emotion, at least not the romantic kind. How could that have changed? How could I have fallen for her?
Okay, so that was a ridiculous question. I knew exactly how and why I could fall for her. What I couldn't figure out was how I, with my fucked up past and monumental issues, could fall in love at all. More importantly, what was I going to do if my suspicions about my feelings for Bella were correct? I had no fuckin' clue.
Loving someone had never been something I wanted. That hadn't changed, but it was Bella. The girl I potentially loved was Bella. Surely that wasn't a horrible thing, was it? I mean, it could be worse, right?
Fuck! I cursed to myself as I banged my head ruthlessly against my knees. The force was great enough to crack my forehead and kneecaps, which hurt like hell. I didn't care. The pain was welcome. Maybe it would help clear my mind. I certainly wasn't having any luck with that on my own.
"It would be really fuckin' nice if you would show up when I actually need you for a change, asshole!" I growled angrily at the Major, who was still MIA. "I could really use some fuckin' advice, and you did say you would always be on my side, that we were a fuckin' team!"
"I am always on your side, Jasper," Peter's bemused voice came from just inside the tree line across from where I was propped against a birch tree. He had snuck up on me. Damn him and his lack of a scent! "We are a team, and if you need advice, all you have to do is ask."
"Same goes for me," Emmett echoed. Maybe I didn't detect Peter, but I should have smelled Em. I guess I was just too distracted to register his scent, and that was not okay.
All of us vampires had left the house at four o'clock this morning to go on another guys with guys and girls with girls hunting trip while Esme and Carlisle did their own thing. It was a trip that had been planned while I was gone, but I was happy to go on it. I hadn't fed since I'd thrown up all the blood I'd drunk just before my little game with Sharon in Louisville, so it was a good idea for me to eat ... or so I had thought.
We had run until we were practically riding the line between Canada and Washington. I had broken off from Peter and Emmett a couple of hours ago because it became clear after a little while that any time I spent with them would be filled with their inevitable jackassery, and while only hints of it were poking through at that moment, I knew I couldn't deal with it at full blast. I needed space to try to work through my shit, and I couldn't do that if I had to be subjected to their dumb asses. I also just really needed to hunt alone.
Neither of my brothers could have known my words weren't meant for them but for the Major. They weren't meant to be spoken aloud.
"I wasn't talkin' to you!" I snapped absentmindedly. I hadn't meant to say that either, and the last thing I needed was for them to start doubting my sanity, for Peter to doubt it more.
Their brows furrowed in synchrony. If one didn't know better, it could be assumed that they were the ones who'd known each other for a century and a half, not Peter and me. It irked me.
Peter frowned, clearly worried and caught off guard by my statement. I didn't think he had come to grips with my continued and somewhat willing relationship with the Major yet. He had only just found out about the willing part of it and that the Major and I had conversations a few weeks ago, and as easily as he could go with the flow, I imagined that was a bit hard for him to swallow. He didn't say anything, neither about that nor his concern though. I couldn't even be sure he knew it was the Major I'd been talking to.
I looked to the sky and noted from the position of the sun that it was now on the verge of mid-afternoon. I had been apart from Emmett and Peter for longer than I'd thought. My dilemma was affecting me so adversely it was sucking away my flawless knowledge of my surroundings and perception of time. I banged my head against my knees just once more before I pulled my shit together and really looked at my brothers, really let them get a good look at me.
I couldn't tell what they were thinking by their emotions, again because I was too fuckin' stuck in my own head. I would have been more pissed about it if I wasn't so stuck.
"Dude!" Emmett exclaimed suddenly. "Did you puke?"
I groaned and banged my forehead against my knees once more. I had thrown up again. I still hadn't quite expelled the images of my most recent exploits in Louisville from my brain, and they were still mixing with my memories from my time with Maria and Savannah, but those memories were still succeeding in expelling the contents of my stomach. I hadn't hunted in the days leading up to my blow out with Bella, and this was the first time I'd made an effort to eat since before my game with Sharon; I hadn't been able to keep anything down since then. The nausea had only abated even a little in Bella's presence the night before, and I was starting to get concerned. Vampires weren't supposed to throw up. It wasn't a natural physiological thing for us to do. We Cullens had made ourselves after eating human food, but it was difficult to accomplish because it wasn't naturally possible. As a result of so many weeks without blood, the burn in my throat was becoming unbearable. That was a recipe for disaster.
Also, it smelled. Vampires didn't digest blood. We absorbed its nutrients and converted whatever was left over to venom, but our stomachs protected it from exposure to air and slowed decomposition. I had puked this blood up, and like anything else, after it sat for awhile, rotting began. The smell of rot was always sickeningly sweet but putrid. That mixed with the cloying scent of the venom it was intermingled with did nothing for my nausea. It made it churn faster in my gut, and I swore I was going to lose it again, though I doubted I had anything left to lose. I hoped to God I didn't. It would make me look weak, and I hated that, and how the hell was I supposed to explain something that should be impossible?
"Obviously," I remarked dryly. I wanted to snap at him but kept myself in check. I wasn't in the mood for twenty questions, and that would inevitably occur if I gave away how agitated I was. Hell, I was sure it would happen anyway.
"That's fucking gross, man," he groused, wrinkling his nose.
I rolled my eyes. It seemed he needed to get his disgust out of the way before the inquisition began. "No kidding, asshole. It didn't taste particularly awesome when it made its reappearance."
It hadn't tasted that great going down either, but they didn't need to know that.
"But why?" Emmett questioned in bewilderment. Lo and behold, I was correct. How shocking. "How is that even possible?"
"Fuck if I know," I answered with indifference. I couldn't exactly explain what I'd been up to while I was gone, could I? And even if I could talk about Louisville, that still didn't really shed light on why I couldn't stomach any blood. "Why don't you ask me a question I can answer, Em?"
He shrugged, seemingly at a loss as to what to ask next. "You up to rejoin us now, Jazz? I've got some grizzlies to wrestle and that's always fun."
"Sure," I responded idly. "Why not?"
Out of the corner of my eye I'd been regarding Peter. He hadn't said anything, but he was watching me carefully, and I wondered what the hell was going through his head. He wouldn't share until he was damn well ready to though, and I was still too distracted to give much of a shit about when he would get around to it.
oOo
It was late that night, and Emmett was now wrestling his third grizzly—it had taken the fucker a little while to track each one of them down.
I had been no more successful at eating in the hours since he'd started his little crusade. I had tried, sure, but every time I had an animal in my hands, ready to bite into its jugular, the smell of the blood pumping through its veins turned my stomach and I couldn't do it. Five animals (a wolf, a mountain lion, a moose proffered at Peter's insistence, a black bear, and finally, my last resort, a deer) had gone to waste because of it. I wondered idly if human blood would do the trick. It was the first time I'd consciously considered the idea in decades, and I was not pleased. Eventually though, if I didn't manage to keep some blood down, my choice of food might be taken away from me, but at the thought of the pure sweetness, the ambrosia flavor of it, my nausea intensified even more. It was all I could do not to gag.
As usual, Emmett emerged the victor, but he was too full from his previous kills to feed.
This pissed me off more than it should have. It shouldn't have pissed me off at all. I mean, what did I care about little woodland creatures or big ones for that matter? "Why did you kill it if you were just gonna waste it, asshole?"
Emmett frowned at me. "Would you mind pointing out all the places you've sat? I'd like to avoid letting whatever it is that crawled up your ass crawl up mine. The last thing I need is to get ass raped today."
I scowled murderously at my brother. I would have tackled him and engaged in a little wrestling match of my own if I didn't feel so fuckin' awful. "Might do you some good," I grumbled instead.
He huffed irritably while Peter just continued to watch silently, contemplatively, as he sometimes did.
"Alright then, Mopey Dick," Emmett countered. "How about you share whatever it is that's got you so wound up?"
I sat there atop a boulder this time and thought about it for several long moments. I didn't feel much like sharing, but I was getting nowhere in regard to sorting my shit out on the Bella front by myself. It was sure to drive me even fuckin' crazier if I didn't get it figured out, to make it stop torturing me, and I couldn't really afford that. My pride and deep sense of protectiveness over my inner thoughts would take a serious blow, but I had to decide what was more important right now and my pride wasn't it.
It took several minutes to steel myself so I could say the words. "How do you know if you're in love?"
Just then, Edward burst through the trees, his impromptu Christmas shopping trip with Bella obviously over hours ago, with Carlisle at his side. I had expected my other brother to show up at some point but not my father figure. He was supposed to be with Esme catching up on quality time, i.e., having sex. He most definitely should not be here with us douchebags. No matter where he was supposed to be, I was still glad he'd come.
Though I had decided to ask about this with very little coaxing, the temporary reprieve their arrival provided was welcome.
"So," Edward said nonchalantly. "What have we missed?"
"Nothing," Emmett answered. "But shit's just about to get good."
Carlisle frowned as he studied me. "You don't look well, Jasper."
"I'm fine," I assured him soundly. I didn't want to discuss how very not fine I was at the moment. It could wait.
He didn't believe me. He didn't try to hide it in his emotions or his face, but I didn't care. We would talk about it later, possibly, provided Emmett kept his mouth shut about my rogue gag reflex. Peter was concerned but he knew me well enough to understand when to speak up and when to shut his pie hole. I was not well off right now, but I wasn't in the worst shape I'd ever been in.
I shot my gargantuan brother a warning glance, and he gave me a nearly imperceptible nod of understanding. His emotions told me he didn't agree with my order to keep quiet, but again, I didn't give a fuck.
Emmett pushed those feelings aside and focused back on our original topic of conversation, his face twisting with a mixture of seriousness, amusement, glee and worry over my question.
"The Jazzman here just opened up and asked how a person knows when they're in love," he informed the newest arrivals. "Are you asking for yourself?"
I sighed, brought my hands to my face and scrubbed it roughly before I tugged a little too hard on my hair. God I was so damn tired! Why was I so damn tired and when would it stop? "Maybe."
"It's either yes or no, Jasper," Edward interjected patiently as he took a seat only a few feet in front of my boulder. Carlisle followed suit, as did Emmett, while Peter finally settled a safe distance from me on my rock seat.
"Fine!" I snapped. Why must they be so damn pushy? "Yes, I'm askin' for myself."
Emmett frowned, clearly confused. "But don't you know?"
"Would I ask if I did?" That was exasperating. I mean, honestly! Why would I waste my figurative breath on the question if I had a fuckin' clue?
"It's just ..." Emmett faltered, "... your gift. How can you not know? Can't you feel it?"
"It's not that simple," I responded with another sigh. "Everyone feels every emotion differently. It's kind of like because each person is unique, each emotion they project is unique, even if each of them has the same root—it's similar yet has its own special rhythm, if that makes sense. You could think of love, the romantic kind, as chocolate for example. There are a shitload of different flavors, some only subtly different while others are radically so. However, at their root, they are all still distinctly chocolate. They are all still distinctly romantic love. Does that make sense?"
Emmett, Edward and Carlisle all nodded slowly. Peter gave no indication that he understood but he was listening just as intently as the others. Whether this was something he just knew or not, I didn't know, but he always truly listened no matter what ... as though what I had to say was the most important thing in the world.
"Except for when I was a very new newborn, I've always instinctively been able to pick up on the root emotions, which gives me the ability to analyze those differences, but it's those nuances that make it difficult to pinpoint what my own feelings are. Plus, I don't have the first clue about this kind of shit. I've never dealt with it personally, so how on earth could I possibly know? And I'm not askin' about emotions anyway. I want to know about all the other stuff."
"Other stuff?" Edward asked.
"Yes!" I nearly shouted. "The other stuff."
"Okay," Emmett said, dragging out the word.
It was then that Peter spoke for the first time, his voice serious. "He's talkin' about the way a guy in love thinks and acts."
"Exactly!" I exclaimed with relief. I loved that my brother knew and understood me so well. This was hard enough without me having to explain every little thing I was hoping to know, especially when I wasn't even sure exactly what that was. I couldn't even be sure whether or not Emmett was being purposely obtuse just to torture me.
"Ohhhh," Em responded with comprehension. Then he grinned all goofy-like and his eyes went all soft. "Well, Rose is always, always on my mind. When we're apart but even when we're together, whether she's at the forefront or in the background. Despite popular belief, my thoughts on her don't always revolve around sex either. I am constantly trying to think of ways to make her smile and laugh because that smile? It undoes me every time, and that laugh? It's everything."
"Why, Emmett McCarty, you mushy motherfucker!" I mocked.
Always on my mind? A smile that undid me every time? Check.
A laugh that was everything though? That I wasn't so sure about.
"Shut it, dick!" Emmett growled, glowering. "I am not ashamed of that shit, and you can't make me be."
I shrugged.
Edward went next. "I always need to be close to Alice, and that isn't entirely a mate thing. It's just nice to know that I can wrap my arms around her, hold her close. She's home to me, and I know she feels the same way, especially when she's in my arms."
Okay. So I liked touching Bella more than I did anyone else, and she didn't make me uneasy when she touched me most of the time. So that was a check, I guess. But was she home? That I didn't know.
"I knew I truly loved Esme when I realized I would do anything for her," Carlisle said, picking up where Edward left off. "When I decided I would go against everything I believed in, break all of my rules, to be with her."
Now that shocked me to know. I'd had no clue about any of that and I still didn't really, but damn, that must love.
Would I do anything for Bella? I had certainly done quite a bit on her behalf in Louisville. Would I go against everything I believed in? The mere idea that I might be in love with her suggested it was possible, and I had already broken so many of my rules when it came to her. I had let her in far more than I had anyone in so long … in ever. So I suppose that was another check.
Finally, it was Peter's turn to go. He was watching me, but I didn't meet his gaze.
He shrugged. "Generally, you just know," he said. "It's kind of instinctual."
I finally looked at him, scowling. "That does not help me, asshole!"
"Okay then," he conceded. "You know you love someone when you just need them, like you need air to breathe, so to speak. You simply cannot imagine your life without 'em in it."
Alright, so I definitely could no longer picture my life without Bella in it, but did I need her? I'd had the thought that I did a time or two, but did I need her all the time? I didn't think so, but the fact that I had needed her at all just might count.
"Shit!" I exclaimed with a sinking feeling in my gut. "I'm in love with Bella."
This was exactly what I'd been afraid of.
Yes, the Major joined in. You are, and I think I am too.
Son of a bitch! If the Major, who was my more apathetic self and wasn't supposed to be capable of that emotion, loved Bella too, then I was definitely well and truly fucked, more fucked than I realized.
The only person emitting any sort of surprise at my declaration was Carlisle, and his reaction was the most important. He was like Bella's father even if she didn't consider him that. I studied him carefully: his facial expression, body language, emotions, everything. I had to say he was being rather unreadable, and I didn't like it. Of all the goddamn times …
It was Emmett who truly reacted first. His grin was a borderline smirk. "Alas, the almighty, seemingly invulnerable Major Jasper Whitlock has finally been felled by the incomparable, equally invincible sword that eventually slays all men! Love!" he teased.
"Fuck off, Em," I grumbled in annoyance.
His grin just widened for a moment before it turned deadly serious. "So what are you going to do about it?"
Yes, what are we gonna do about it? the Major asked seriously.
That was the crux of the matter wasn't it? Why don't you make yourself useful and tell me?
He didn't answer. I guess he had no more of a clue about that than I did. It wasn't comforting.
I suppose the most important question was, did I want to do anything about it? The answer to that question was easy. Since the Major didn't throw in his two cents, I assumed he was in agreement.
"What makes you think I'm gonna do anything about it?" I countered calmly.
Emmett frowned, brows puckering. He wasn't the only one who was displeased with my response. The only one who had no real emotion about it was Peter, but he understood why I wouldn't want to. He had been there through it all. He knew all about the extensiveness of how mind-fucked I was.
Emmett's frown deepened. "But why?"
"You want me to make a move on Bella," I said both dubiously and warily, saying the words nice and slow since they felt wrong on my tongue. Emmett thought of Bella as his long-lost baby sister, not literally, but she meant the world to him. It made absolutely no sense for him to encourage me to be with her. It made no sense for Carlisle and Edward to mirror Emmett's sentiments for that matter. "You all do. Why in the hell would you want that?"
Emmett again took it upon himself to be the group spokesperson. "Why wouldn't we?"
I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Gee, Em, maybe because it's a horrible idea? I'm not exactly a shining example of well-adjusted and neither is Bella. The last time I checked, fucked up plus fucked up never ends well."
"Why are you assuming things between you and Bella would end?" Edward asked in all seriousness, brow raised.
"Okay, fine," I conceded. "Fucked up plus fucked up is never good for either party involved, and Bella can do so much better than me."
Emmett's eyes narrowed menacingly and he crossed his arms over his chest. He was pissed. Everything about him said so. "Not as far as I'm concerned, and that's such bullshit, Jasper!"
I refused to react to that. "Oh?"
"You're damn right it is!" he shouted. Edward, Carlisle and Peter's emotions all mirrored Emmett's claim but that didn't make me buy into it.
"Do you not remember just a little over a week ago when I lost my cool and tore into her for some random, stupid shit I had no business butting in on?" I demanded stonily. "I know you wanted to kick my ass for that."
"Of course I remember it, dumbass, and I did want to tear you apart for it," Emmett agreed. "But I didn't understand what was up with you at the time. Now that I know you're in love with Bella, I can't exactly hold your reaction against you, can I? Jealousy is a powerful emotion that makes you do stupid things."
I just rolled my eyes. Maybe so, but that didn't make it a good excuse.
"Damn it, Jasper!" Emmett yelled again, shooting to his feet and picking up a heavy, torn branch. He hurled it to the ground with a growl of frustration. It shattered. "What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you see what a good man you are? Can't you see how great you are for her when you're not being an asshole or how great she is for you when she's not retaliating at you for it? You're actually even kind of good for each other when you are at each other's throats. It's even good for us 'cause most of the time, it's entertaining as hell, and it's nice to see someone give you shit besides Pete. You need someone else to give you shit besides Pete." It was the sort of statement that would have been accompanied by a mischievous smirk tinged with varying degrees of amusement and smugness, but that wasn't the case this time—his expression remained stormy and agitated. "You're one of the best men I've ever known. If you were to man up and take your shot with her, I know I would never have to worry about her because you would take care of her in a way no one else could, and I sure as hell know you would keep her safe too. You could make her happy if you could just rein in your inner surly bastard. Bella is damn lucky that you chose her to love."
That elicited a nasty snort from me. "I didn't exactly set out to fall in love with her on purpose, Emmett."
"Whatever," he said dismissively. "She could make you happy, Jasper! Don't you want to be happy for once in your goddamn life?"
I gave him nothing more than a noncommittal shrug.
"Why are you so fucking frustrating?" he roared, tugging at his hair. That was something Emmett rarely ever did, so even if I couldn't feel that intense frustration, I would have known from that little gesture alone.
"Everyone's got a talent," I replied, smirking. Being flip was easier than trying to sort through all this being in love with Bella shit. Now that I knew for certain I was, I was at a total loss. Arguing with my brother, riling him up, was a good way to distract myself. Not the nicest thing to do, but at the moment, that was the last thing I cared about. He would get over it.
"You really should be less hard on yourself, son," Carlisle imparted, finally speaking. It was an echo of our conversation in his office about my past.
"Yeah," Emmett interjected. "You're not as fucked up as you think."
"Oh, but I am," I disagreed. "You don't know the half of it, and if Bella knows what's good for her, she'll stay as far away from me as possible. You all would."
"Never gonna happen," Edward spat. "You can abandon that sorry, self-pitying shit right now. You can shove it up your ass, in fact."
"He can't," Emmett interrupted. "Something already crawled up there."
"It's not self-pity," I said sharply, ignoring my ogre-sized brother's insult. "It's fact. Self-pity has nothin' to do with it and whether or not I act on my feelings for Bella isn't really any of your business."
It was Edward's turn to snort. "Right, but Bella is our business and so are you, and even if that wasn't true, you made it our business when you asked us what it's like to be in love now didn't you?"
That had not been my intention when I asked about that. I had just really needed some clarity. I was beginning to wonder if that clarity was worth this bullshit. "Smartass," I grumbled. "Your business or not, I didn't ask for your fuckin' advice, so I suggest y'all leave it alone. Besides, my feelings are not reciprocated, so it doesn't matter anyway, and you also know a human and a vampire together isn't a good idea either."
Carlisle regarded me evenly. "But it can be done provided you're careful, and I know you would be."
I wasn't stupid. I knew vampires and humans could be together sexually if the vampire knew what they were doing, but that wasn't what I'd been talking about. I was talking about my mental stability. I couldn't even keep blood down at the moment for Christ's sake, and even if I didn't know its precise connection to my recent activities, I knew it did have something to do with them, and they, in turn, had brought out memories of my fucked up past. There was a connection there. Bella didn't need to be tangled up in all my shit.
Is he kidding me right now? I groused to the Major. Was Carlisle seriously suggesting that Bella and I should get together? Was that his underhanded way of giving me his blessing? What was wrong with him? He knew I was in a bad place right now. He pretty much knew I was always in a bad place.
He doesn't look like he's kidding, and it doesn't feel like he is either, the Major mused. And here we thought we were the insane ones in the family.
I growled fiercely and mercilessly. "Drop it!"
The warning in my voice was unmistakable and they would be fools not to heed it. I was dangerously close to ripping people to shreds and leaving the pieces to crawl back to each other instead of helping them put themselves back together. Though it was clear in their emotions that they didn't want to, they did anyway.
Throughout all of this, Peter had remained eerily silent. If I wasn't so grateful for it, I would have found it odd. Then again, he always knew what I needed even when I didn't. He was giving that to me just as he always did, but I couldn't help but to be curious about his thoughts on all this. I also had to wonder if he'd just known about my feelings for Bella.
Oh, I'm sure he did, the Major said irritably. Doesn't he always?
Regardless of what anyone thought on the matter, I now had a huge problem. Eventually, though I had a few hours yet, I would have to go home and face Bella now armed with this new knowledge, and I was still at a fuckin' loss. I wasn't going to act on my feelings but now I had to figure out how to carry myself around her. I couldn't give myself away. Bella could not know I loved her.
God, this is such a clusterfuck! I cursed miserably.
Of course it is, the Major said sarcastically, in a drawn out, nearly sing-song voice. When is it ever not with us?
oOo
Monday, December 14th, 2080
BPOV
The boys, excluding Carlisle, who had come home early this morning just in time to shower and change for his shift at the hospital, were still gone on their male bonding hunt, and I was glad for it. I may have decided to stay for a couple of extra weeks, but I wasn't ready to face Jasper. With the way he fucked with my control, I was afraid he would take one look at me and see that my feelings for him had changed, or not so much changed but that I had come to the realization that there was more to them than I'd thought. I didn't want to have to worry about that yet. I needed more time.
The girls, however, had returned and were with me on this spectacularly boring day of school.
History had been especially good. With Jasper, Peter and Emmett gone, Rosalie had pushed her desk next to mine on the side closest to the wall. Charlotte took Jasper's empty seat, so I was effectively sandwiched between them. When Mr. Sumner protested, they just hit him with a double dose of the vampire hot chick whammy. He was a hardass but he was no match for that shit and relented. Charlotte, Rosalie and I spent all of class passing notes. I suspected Alice would do the same in English even though Angela sat next to me and was here today.
My Calculus and Spanish classes had continued on the boring theme, and I entertained myself by doodling Wildfire in my notebook when participation wasn't absolutely necessary.
Now I was at lunch, standing at the salad station and studying the buffet-style fixings with distaste. All the vegetables were wilted or wrinkled or brown and most of the fruit offerings were questionable. The cottage cheese smelled on the verge of sour and the dressings were all suspicious and room temperature.
Awesome!
The only things that were the least bit appetizing were the apples and oranges, so I grabbed three of each and placed them on my tray. It was a piss poor imitation of a meal, but even I, who could probably metabolize dirt, had my limits. I would raid the fridge when I got home.
I was still distracted by everything that had gone on over the weekend, even disturbed by some of it: the dance and my epiphany about Jasper, everything Edward had revealed about himself and Alice, and the weakness I'd so easily displayed in making the decision to stay until after Christmas and maybe even New Years. If not for that, I would have heard the person coming up behind me. I wouldn't have frozen in place for the five seconds it took for the damage to be done.
A body pressed against mine, pinning me snugly to the salad bar, and a hand slipped down the small of my back and over the curve of my ass, giving it an unpleasant squeeze before sliding to a place that was infinitely more forbidden. It was the last thing I needed considering how close I was to having an episode, and that last little maneuver was what jolted me out of my frozen state. My reaction was instantaneous.
I reached back, gripped the person's wrist and twisted. A sickening crack filled the air as bones fractured and it separated from the joint. Then I shoved away from the salad bar to give myself enough space to spin around behind my assailant, taking their arm with me and jerking it into an unnatural angle. Their elbow dislocated as did their shoulder; then I placed my hand between my attacker's shoulder blades and shoved. They shot forward with violent force, face colliding with the salad bar with another crack, and the air filled with the scent of blood. I had broken their nose.
But my battle instincts were not through with me. I was still on auto-pilot, in part because of my training and in part because of my struggle to deal with all the touching I'd endured at the dance.
Drop.
I dropped into a crouch behind them.
Sweep.
I swept the person's feet out from underneath them. They lifted high off the ground with the impact of my leg to both of theirs and the quickness of my swipe and landed hard on the linoleum, the breath knocked from their lungs. It was the only reason they weren't screeching in agony.
Disable and move in for the kill.
I moved so I was standing square over them and adopted a fighting position but thrust my foot against their throat and bore down, constricting their airway. My assailant wheezed at the pressure as they struggled to obtain oxygen, but otherwise froze.
It was only after I'd succeeded in disabling this person and was on the verge of crushing their windpipe that I came out of my haze in time to stop myself from following through. My mind flashed back to my nightmare of Jasper two weeks ago, to the cavalier way I had told him I would kill him if I had to and my feelings of horror, foreboding and inevitability that came as a result of it. I felt sick to my stomach.
Then I recognized who my attacker was. He was a tall, burly boy with black hair and green eyes, a football player, someone I'd danced with against my better judgment two days ago. Riley's friend Gavin Nichols. Now that I was back to myself and had the wherewithal to process what he'd done, where he'd actually put his hands, I saw red and the sick feeling in my stomach dissipated.
Remaining in my offensive fighting position with my foot still pressed to his throat, I bent down at the knee until I was in his face. We were nose to nose when I growled lowly, dangerously, "If you ever touch me without my permission again, if you ever touch anyone without their permission, I. Will. End. You. Understand?"
Despite my continued constriction of his airway, Gavin managed to whimper through my threat. Like a dumbass, he chose not to respond to my demand. "It was just a joke," he choked out pitifully.
Was he kidding? Coming up behind someone and groping them was not a joke! It could never be construed as a joke. And was he dumb? Brain damaged? Grabbing my ass was bad enough but he'd been headed between my legs in the middle of the fucking cafeteria! What the hell had he been thinking? Did he assume that no one would see that? He wasn't exactly sly about it. Dude had some balls, just not the good kind. And why the hell had he chosen me to grope?
"A joke?" I questioned mildly, though I was sure my eyes were still cool as the Arctic.
"Yes," he croaked.
I reached down, grasped his balls and twisted mercilessly. He howled in agony. "Kind of like that one?"
Gavin's eyes watered with his pain, I was sure from more than just his injured balls, and his mouth dropped open again in a soundless cry.
"Yeah, not so funny, is it?" I spat. "I asked you a question. Do you understand?"
Even though my foot was still pressed to his throat, he managed to nod emphatically, and I finally released him.
It was only when I stood up that I noticed the warm, sticky, viscous fluid dripping from my nose, its coppery taste invading my mouth as I breathed hard in my rage. I spat out the blood and wiped the back of my hand across my mouth and chin, but it did nothing to stem the flow. It was a good thing it was steady and not gushing.
As I turned on my heel to leave, I scanned the room with my perfect vision for anyone possibly videotaping or snapping pictures of my little throwdown with Gavin via phone, but there wasn't a phone in sight. By the expressions on all the faces in the room, they were too shocked by our confrontation to act on that inclination quickly enough; exposure wouldn't be an issue. Reassured by that, I no longer bothered to pay attention to the stares garnered by the scene I'd caused and stormed out of the cafeteria.
oOo
I was currently holed up in a utility closet in the Science building, my ass propped against the bottom shelf of a wall full of potent cleaning supplies that burned my still-bleeding nose. I was leaned forward and had my nostrils pinched between my thumb and forefinger and had been for the last forty-five minutes. There was a cleaning cloth tucked in to the neck of my sweater and hung down to drape over my lap to keep my clothes from getting stained too badly, and there was another clean, unused one atop my knee that I planned to use to mop the blood off my face. However, I didn't see the point in using it until the blood stopped flowing, which should have been forty minutes ago.
I wasn't hiding in the traditional sense of the word; seeking shelter was a better term for it. Gavin's assault hadn't exactly done wonders for my shitty state of mind. Memories were encroaching on the edges of my consciousness and there was a dull throb in my skull—I was closer than ever to having an episode, though I wasn't yet dizzy or hearing screams in my head. I didn't know how much longer I could hold it together, and this was the most secure form of shelter I could find to conceal the fallout if I lost it. A girl had to work with what she was given.
It was totally out of character for me to need anyone or want comfort, but I kind of wished Jasper was here to chase away some of my demons. He had the last time.
My preference would have been to burn rubber out of this shithole the second I set foot outside the cafeteria, but Alice, Charlotte and Rosalie had suckered me into riding to school with them this morning. I didn't think Rosalie would take too kindly to me hotwiring her BMW and both filling it with the scent of my blood and possibly ruining the car's interior by dripping it on the leather. I did have to admit that even though the bloody nose was new and I had no idea where it had come from, I was thankful for it, if only because it would most likely keep my vampires away. They had told me they hadn't had the urge to drain me, but they had also said I smelled really good; I figured the scent of my blood would be intensified now that it was free-flowing and would make the temptation to feed on me more difficult to resist … or that's what I hoped. I didn't want to answer the questions I was sure they would ask about my reaction to Gavin and his wandering hands. I could also pass a bloody nose off as normal far more easily than bleeding out of my ears.
There was a knock on the door of my hiding place: Angela. She tried the doorknob, but I'd locked it behind me.
"Bella?" she questioned with clear uncertainty and concern. Her presence was a result of Alice, Charlotte and Rosalie no doubt. They might not have come themselves, but they'd probably been able to pinpoint my location by my scent. I was surprised they hadn't sent someone after me sooner, but Charlotte always seemed to know I needed time to myself after shit like this went down.
I was tempted to ignore Angela and lead her to believe I wasn't here, but I couldn't let her, or their, worry over me continue to mount.
Hauling myself to my feet, I trudged to the door, but I wasn't looking forward to opening it. Angela would have questions just the same as my vampires, and I had no intention of answering them.
When we were face to face, she let out a sigh of relief which soon morphed to horror at the sight of my macabrely bloody features.
"Oh, Bella!" she exclaimed in distress as she stared at my nose. "That should have stopped bleeding a long time ago. We need to get you to the nurse."
"There is no way in hell I'm going to the nurse, Ange," I refused stubbornly. "Not with Gavin there."
If I saw that asshole again I just might kill him … and then go batshit crazy from everything else.
Angela smirked. "That won't be a problem," she said smugly. "He was hauled off to the hospital in an ambulance a few minutes after you disappeared. You really kicked his butt, Bella. It was kind of awesome. Now come on, we're going to the nurse's office. Don't make me force you."
I rolled my eyes but didn't argue.
When we reached the office, Nurse Hammond looked me over with surprise but no disdain. She had to have done the initial treatment on Gavin, and I'd expected she wouldn't be pleased with how thoroughly I'd injured his sorry, pervy ass.
"Ms. Crawfield, do come in and sit," she commanded with motherly care. I, again, did not protest. All that would do would be to draw more attention to me, and I had already pretty much lit myself up like a fucking Christmas tree. This was not good. Angela took a seat beside me and grasped my hand. I didn't know what to make of it. If it was anyone else, it would have been done out of pity, but with Angela, I wasn't so sure. "That is one nasty bloody nose. How long has it been bleeding?"
"A while," I replied before leaning forward and pinching my nostrils closed again.
"Good girl," Nurse Hammond praised with a kind smile. "You know your first aid. So many think you're supposed to lean back to stop a bloody nose."
She wet a cloth and knelt in front of me, gently wiping my chin and around my mouth clean, and it was nice to get rid of the salty, metallic taste that clung to my lips and continually seeped past them. I did not enjoy swallowing my own blood. It wasn't pleasant.
It took another ten minutes and several more cloths before the bleeding finally stopped, which was when Principal Greene passed through the door of Nurse Hammond's office to fetch me for the announcement of my punishment for what I'd done to Gavin. I couldn't say I'd meant to do it but I wasn't sorry either.
"Ms. Crawfield," he greeted with indifference, using his "principal" voice. "Please come with me."
"Now you go easy on her," Nurse Hammond tutted at him. "She's injured."
"I can see that," he said, regarding her with the same indifference with which he had me. Then he turned his attention back to me and waved his hand for me to follow him. Angela got up to join us, but Principal Greene stopped her. "You need to stay here, Ms. Weber."
Angela scowled and crossed her arms over her chest in irritation but made no other move to accompany us.
When Principal Greene and I reached his office, I noticed that a woman in her forties, dressed in a prim business casual blouse and pencil skirt with her black hair pulled into a chignon and green eyes, was already seated in one of the chairs across from his desk. Her lips were compressed into a thin line and the crow's feet around her eyes were more pronounced at the look of disdain on her face, which magnified at the sight of me. I didn't give a fuck what this clearly bitchy woman thought of me, especially since it was obvious that she was Gavin Nichols' mother. Principal Greene motioned me to take one of the other two chairs.
"We'll get started when Dr. Cullen arrives," he explained when Mrs. Nichols appeared to be on the verge of demanding why he wasn't paddling my ass or something already.
It was only two minutes before Carlisle stalked through the door, eyes black and face screwed up with rage and at complete odds with his pristinely pressed navy, pinstripe slacks, crisp, white dress shirt, burgundy skinny tie, polished leather shoes and perfectly styled golden hair. His eyes had never been black in my presence nor had I ever seen him angry, and he wasn't just a little angry. Nope, Carlisle was fucking furious. He looked like a vampire. For the first time since I'd known him, Carlisle Cullen looked like an honest-to-God vampire. Even with all his readily apparent differences, he had never looked like what he actually was to me before. It was enormously impressive, most definitely frightening, and really fucking cool.
The sight of my supernatural pseudo-guardian, especially in all his primal, pissed off glory, served as enough of a distraction to keep me from going off the deep-end for now.
He pulled out the remaining chair, the one next to Mrs. Nichols, roughly and dropped into it, then placed his hands on his knees and leaned forward towards Principal Greene menacingly.
"Dr. Cullen," Principal Greene began, moving just an inch backward at Carlisle's hostile posture, "as you are the last to join us, I will tell you why I've called you here."
"Oh, I am perfectly aware of why you called me here, Harold," Carlisle snapped, his characteristic calm and patience having flown completely out the window. It was pretty fucking shocking. "How soon you forget that I am the Chief of Staff and Surgery at Forks General. I was pulled off my rotation in the ER to come here to take care of this, and I also treated Mr. Nichols. Not only that, but my other daughters—"
His other daughters, as in I'm his … I reasoned slowly inside my now clearer head … No, no, no! He can't mean that. He doesn't.
"—informed me of the situation before he arrived in my ER."
Mrs. Nichols huffed. "And I'm sure they told you what happened without stretching the truth at all. Their loyalty does lie with her," she bit back, gesturing sharply at me.
The way she said "her" made it sound like I was a piece of filth, scum to be scraped off the bottom of her shoe. It made a barely audible growl rumble in Carlisle's chest that he couldn't seem to be bothered to contain. I didn't think the humans in the room could hear it, but that probably didn't matter. He was scary enough at the moment without the added boo-factor the growl brought. Principal Greene was attempting to keep his cool, but his uneasiness was palpable. His heart was racing, his blood stunk of adrenaline, and the scent of his sweaty palms wafted through the air. Mrs. Nichols was a slightly different story. I had no doubt that Carlisle scared her, but her anger was giving her the gumption not to give in to that fear.
I just sat there, silent. Maybe I should have been sorry for what I'd done after all. This whole thing was turning into one huge clusterfuck. I still couldn't manage to make myself.
"It absolutely does," Carlisle snarled, "but that doesn't make them liars! Do you even know what happened, Darlene? Because there was a whole cafeteria full of teenagers who can fill you in, and it sure as hell won't match up to the bullshit story your son told you."
I had never heard Carlisle curse like that before. Actually, that wasn't entirely true. I'd heard him do it in jest but never with malicious or angry intent … unless you counted during sex and that most certainly didn't contain any malice or anger, but I really didn't want to go there. Gag!
"Now you're implying my son is a liar?" Mrs. Nichols screeched as she jerked around in her seat to face Carlisle instead of Principal Greene, the legs of her chair rasping across the worn carpet as it moved with her. None of that did anything for the dull throb in my head. "And how do you even know what my son told me?"
"I'm not implying it. I'm saying it outright," Carlisle corrected sharply, the English accent that was always so faint that it was hardly noticeable, intensifying until it was incredibly pronounced. "And I know because I work at the hospital remember? I overheard everything that lying little shit said!"
Now I wondered what Gavin had told his mother. I was unbearably curious in fact.
Mrs. Nichols gripped the arms of her chair until her knuckles turned white. "Your daughter put my son in the hospital!" she shrieked. "He won't play football for the rest of the year, and the Spartans made it to the playoffs! He may never play football again! My husband and I should have her thrown in jail for assault!"
At the mere mention of jail, my fingertips sizzled silently as the fingerprints I'd adopted since moving to Forks burned away, leaving them smooth as a baby's ass; my hands flexed, itching for the little pouch that contained my foam latex print appliqués without the genetic telltale curve I'd made in my first days with the Cullens. I kept it in my messenger bag or purse depending on which I was carrying, always at the ready, since no matter how much I practiced, I had failed at getting my actual fingerprints to shift without the flaw, but I didn't have my messenger bag with me. For all I knew, it was still in the cafeteria.
Fuck! This was such a disaster.
Before I could dwell on it for more than a second, Carlisle shot up from his chair; the speed and strength with which he did so, while still at a fast but human level, sent it skidding all the way across the length of the principal's office to slam into the wall with a daunting crash that made everyone in the room save him and me jump. Then he moved in front of Darlene Nichols' chair and leaned down so he was in her face, not nose to nose like I had with Gavin, but close enough for her to take in the full effect of his fathomless, furious black irises, his dangerous glare and probably hear his quiet growling. Her breath caught in her throat and her heart skipped a beat.
"I would be very careful what you say, Mrs. Nichols," he warned quietly. His voice was calm and silky smooth again but not in the way it usually was. Instead of patient and kind, it was all thinly-veiled danger and scorn. It was deadly. It was menacing. It was shit-your-pants-scary. It was beautiful. "My daughter did nothing more than defend herself when your son attacked her, and if you aren't mindful of what comes out of your mouth, I will have sexual assault charges slapped on your son so fast it'll make your head spin."
My daughter, my daughter, my daughter … my daughter, my daughter, my daughter … Am I dreaming?
"B-but—" she stammered, and I could only just see her eyes go wide as she finally felt the full effects of Carlisle Cullen's wrath from the angle I was seated at.
"And let me assure you," Carlisle interrupted, still in that eerily calm but immensely dangerous tone, as he continued to stand over her in that dominant stance and hold her gaze. "My lawyers are better than yours. Also, there is nothing I will not do to protect my child or to make sure she gets justice for her suffering. You would do well to remember that."
My child, my child, my child … my child … He didn't mean that, did he? He was just saying it to clean up my mess, right? Right? And did ever-patient, ever-kind Carlisle Cullen just threaten someone? Did he even have lawyers?
Mrs. Nichols stopped breathing altogether and her heart was damn near tachycardic. If Carlisle didn't ease off soon, the woman might have a fucking heart attack. As a doctor and a vampire, he knew that, but he stood his ground, continuing to hold her gaze for several more long moments.
She gave a jerky nod that nearly made her forehead collide against Carlisle's marble-like nose, and probably just barely missed giving herself a concussion and earning the hospital bed next to her son in the emergency room. I smirked internally at the idea; I doubted looking self-satisfied would do much for my case, no matter how terrifying Carlisle was at the moment or how justified I was in kicking Gavin's ass.
"Dr. Cullen, please sit down," Principal Greene requested in a voice that shook noticeably. I would have found it amusing if this shit wasn't so serious. It was the first time he'd spoken or attempted to intervene since Carlisle and Mrs. Nichols started tearing into each other. He was the definition of impotent.
Carlisle paid him no mind and remained locked with her in a lethal staring contest, only she wasn't lethal. My vampire pseudo-guardian could crush her between his thumb and forefinger like she was an insignificant bug he found utterly disgusting, and he made sure she knew it.
"Do you understand me, Mrs. Nichols?" he said, losing his calm demeanor for a split second and reverting back to a growl. There was a distinct note of challenge in his voice as he echoed my question to her son only an hour before.
She swallowed hard. "Y-yes."
"And do I have to deliver this message to your husband and son myself or will your reiteration suffice? You really don't want me to have to pay your family a visit, Darlene," Carlisle continued on without giving her a chance to reply just yet, back to using his calm and silky smooth but dangerous voice. He wanted to drive his point home first. That accent of his wasn't sexy at all in that moment. His quiet threat was too terrifying for it to be. "Well?"
"Y-yes," she repeated. Her face was white as a ghost.
It was only after she'd assured him of this that he returned his chair to its proper place and sat back down. Folding his hands in his lap, all trace of the fearsome vampire disappeared except for the bloodthirsty hue of his eyes. Was this really level-headed Carlisle Cullen? Was I hallucinating? I had to be because there was no fucking way.
Principal Greene was silent for a little while, shifting his gaze from Mrs. Nichols to Carlisle to me and back. He truly looked as though he dreaded where he had to take this little pow-wow next, and I had a suspicion where that was.
"We need to discuss punishment," he said gravely.
Yep, I was right, and the truth was I didn't give a fuck what he did to me. I had one more week of high school before I ditched it, and I had never cared about it anyway. The only reason I'd come here was because it was a condition of Carlisle's. Plus, I already knew everything they taught here, and if, on the off chance, I didn't, it would take me two-point-five seconds to learn it.
In my peripheral vision I saw Carlisle's eyes narrow murderously again but only for a second. Then he schooled his face. Mrs. Nichols regained some of her composure at this announcement and brightened up some as she sat up straighter. She clearly believed Principal Greene would throw the book at me and only slap her son on the wrist. It was annoying.
Principal Greene directed his attention to her first. "In light of the circumstances, Gavin must be suspended, and Dr. Cullen is correct, Mrs. Nichols. A whole cafeteria full of students, almost all of the junior and senior classes, witnessed your son's assault on Ms. Crawfield. Even in the thirty minutes it took you to make your way here from the hospital, I've had several students approach me to give nearly identical accounts of the incident," he informed her gravely, also having regained some of his composure now that Carlisle had reined in his temper. He glanced at me. "It has been made clear that his advances were not encouraged or wanted, and his behavior was inappropriate. We take things of that nature very seriously, Mrs. Nichols, so his punishment has to be severe. He will miss the rest of this week and the first three weeks of next term and will not be allowed to make up the work or tests he misses as a result. Whether he is capable of playing or not, he is now suspended from the football team and any other team sports for the rest of the year, and this will go on his permanent record. It goes without saying that he is to stay away from Ms. Crawfield. If he doesn't, it will result in further disciplinary action."
Mrs. Nichols' teeth ground together and her jaw clenched. She was about to protest her son's punishment when Carlisle shot her a warning look full of menace. Her mouth snapped shut and she swallowed hard again, dropping her eyes to her lap in fear and frustration. From all of my observations of her body language and nonverbal communication, I could tell she didn't accept that I hadn't invited Gavin to molest me, which was as I'd suspected. It made my blood boil, and I wanted to say something to get it through her thick skull that I absolutely had not. I couldn't which was frustrating, but Carlisle was doing a mighty fine job of taking care of that for me. It made me feel marginally better.
When Principal Greene saw that Mrs. Nichols wasn't going to say anything, he moved onto me and Carlisle. He took us in with caution, and though he was still completely impotent as a man and problem-solver, he managed to retain his professionalism.
"As for Ms. Crawfield," he began, still cautious. "Her response to Mr. Nichols may have been provoked and in self-defense, but that reaction did result in sending the boy to the hospital. Also, we simply cannot condone or tolerate any form of violence on this campus, so unfortunately, she must be reprimanded as well."
Carlisle's hands twisted in his lap, gripping them so tightly I was sure, had he been human, he would have hurt himself. For the umpteenth time in the last twenty minutes, I saw him go all fearsome vampire.
His face again darkened with wrath, and he leaned forward towards Principal Greene. Even though there was a desk between them, our illustrious educational monarch again backed away instinctively. It was fucking hilarious.
"So what you're saying is," Carlisle bit out with no attempt to conceal his rage, accent still eminent, "that if this had happened in a dark alley, you would have expected my daughter to do nothing? To wait for someone to come to her aid and allow her attacker to do what he would in the meantime? To let herself be assaulted instead of defending herself?"
Principal Greene's eyes widened in alarm. "No! No, of course not! That isn't what I said!"
"But it's what you're insinuating," Carlisle argued smoothly. "The reality is that no one stepped in to stop Gavin Nichols from assaulting her, and by the time someone would have gotten around to it, if Bella hadn't taken care of it herself, who knows what damage he could have done both physically and psychologically. Who knows what damage he did manage to do before she stopped him? And yet you plan to punish her for doing what needed to be done in her defense. That isn't right, Harold," he said with such moral superiority and disdain that Principal Greene's features twisted with shame and regret. In truth, he hadn't seemed all that thrilled to deliver my punishment in the first place, but with how thick Carlisle had just laid it on, he had to have now felt like the scum of the earth. "Not to mention that you will have to make note of this on her permanent record, which will continue to make her suffer for far longer than whatever punishment you plan to enforce right now. It could very adversely affect her future, influence the application process to college and so many other things, Harold. Do you want to be responsible for ruining a young woman's future when she is clearly the victim?"
Damn, Carlisle! Way to make someone feel like they're two inches tall and committed a crime as bad as the perpetrator.
"Of course I don't, Dr. Cullen," he responded in a panic, all professionalism flown out the window. "But my hands are tied to an extent. I'll catch hell from the school board if there isn't some consequence for Bella's behavior."
A very audible and inhuman growl came from Carlisle at that, and Mrs. Nichols and Principal Greene's gazes shot to the window as if checking to see if there was a wild animal lurking outside of it. It was fortunate they didn't seem to have a clue it was coming from the vampire in the room. In a covert maneuver, I reached over and took his hand to sooth him. It probably wasn't the best idea considering, but Carlisle was fighting for me. Helping him to regain the control needed to keep his secret intact was the least I could do. He gave it a brief squeeze and his growl ceased.
Despite that, he was still pissed. "I don't give a shit what hell you'll catch, Harold! And you should be more concerned about the hell you'll catch from me!"
Again with the cursing. Huh.
Before all hell could break loose, I decided I should speak up. "It's alright, Carlisle. I'll take the punishment, whatever it is. If it's suspension, I could use the time off, if I'm being honest."
Carlisle's expression softened at my confession and some of the fight went out of him. He squeezed my hand again. I squeezed back.
He said nothing but continued to glare at Principal Greene, who carried on with sentencing me. "You're suspended for the rest of the week, Ms. Crawfield, but I will not make note of it on your permanent record."
This clearly pissed Mrs. Nichols off, but one look from Carlisle had her shrinking back in fear. He was also not pleased with my sentence but didn't say anything, probably for my sake.
"Yes, sir," I said with no emotion before I focused my attention solely on Carlisle. "I'd like to go home now."
He gave me a gentle nod and stood up as I did but not before shooting one last glare at Mrs. Nichols and Principal Greene and said one last thing.
"The only reason I'm walking out of here without raising some hell of my own is because my daughter wishes it," he told them coldly. "But don't for one moment think that I will forget this or that it's over. If either of you step one toe out of line, I will pounce on you so fast you'll never see it coming. Don't make me do something I won't regret."
I left the room calmly, but Carlisle stalked out with just as much fury and purpose as he'd entered it with.
oOo
The ride home started out silent. In one sense I was happy for that. I didn't want to have to explain myself. Unfortunately, the quiet provided no distraction from the chaos in my head.
Carlisle spoke up five minutes after we left the school, and I wasn't sure if I was thankful for it or not. I did know I wasn't looking forward to the questions that were the most obvious for him to ask. He didn't disappoint. "Are you alright, sweetheart?"
He studied me carefully as he asked and waited for my answer, taking his eyes off the road but still maintaining perfect control of the car.
"I'm fine," I lied. My voice was steady and nothing about my face or body language gave away that I wasn't being honest; not even a microexpression contorted my features. I still couldn't tell if he believed me.
He didn't press the issue like I expected him to. Instead he said, "You can talk to me if you need to."
"I know." And I did know, but I wouldn't. "I'm sorry, Carlisle."
I wasn't sure how he managed it, but his face screwed up both with fury and confusion. "I don't know why you're apologizing, but you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm a man who believes violence should be a last resort in most situations, but the one you were put in today is not one of them."
"I'm not sorry for what I did to Gavin," I said. I hadn't really meant to beat quite as much shit out of him as I actually had, and I worried that if I hadn't come out of my haze when I did that I might have killed him, but I still wasn't sorry. What he'd done was inexcusable. "I'm sorry I put you and the family in the spotlight because of my actions."
"Don't apologize for that either," Carlisle commanded fiercely. "It's nothing that couldn't be handled, and it put more focus on you than it did on any of us. I know that doesn't exactly thrill you, but it's the truth."
He was right. It would make me the subject of much scrutiny in town, and that was indescribably bad. I'd made my bed unfortunately. I would leave if I had to, but until trouble came a knockin', I would stay until after Christmas because I still couldn't stand the thought of disappointing the Cullens by abandoning them before then, especially after what Carlisle had just done for me. A potential blemish on my fake permanent record was far better than assault charges.
"That's true, I guess," I conceded without much inflection to my voice.
He paused for a couple of minutes. "You really did a number on him, Bella."
I regarded him warily out of the corner of my eye. I had really hoped he wouldn't go there. "I know. I didn't mean to go that far. It was knee-jerk."
"I'm not upset with you for it," he promised sincerely. Though he'd already told me I had nothing to apologize for, this surprised me. "He had no right to do what he did. Abuse of any kind is reprehensible, and it is a particularly touchy subject for me. I would rather you put a person in the hospital than suffer that experience and its aftermath."
My eyebrows shot up. There was no remorse as Carlisle said the words. If I was surprised before, I was flabbergasted now.
"I am wondering how you learned to do those things though," he said. "Very few young girls can break and dislocate a wrist, dislocate an elbow and shoulder, break a nose, and nearly crush a trachea."
I didn't want to lie, but I had to. I would tell him the one that was the most true. "When you live on the streets, knowing how to defend yourself is necessary. I saw my fair share of street fights and picked up a few things along the way. I wasn't exactly a stranger to having to implement what I learned."
And that really wasn't a lie. Sure, I hadn't learned any new fighting moves, but the streets was where I'd learned it was okay to fight dirty if you had to.
He sighed with such genuine sadness that my heart nearly broke, though I didn't know why. I didn't feel sorry for myself. Maybe it was because of the depth of emotion Carlisle Cullen was capable of, the sorrow he felt on my behalf. "I'm sorry to hear that."
"Don't be," I told him bluntly. "It's better that I know it."
He didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing and more silence fell between us.
"You were pretty badass in there," I commented, making sure to convey how impressed I was by it.
Carlisle's lips twisted into an uncharacteristic smirk. "I choose to restrain my inner-badass the majority of the time, but I have my moments."
"Maybe you should restrain it less," I suggested. "You were awesome. It's not like I didn't already know that, I just knew it in a different way. I liked it though. Actually, scratch that. I fucking loved it! Thank you for fighting for me."
His smirk softened into an affectionate smile. "I will always fight for you, Bella."
"What did you mean when you said if they stepped one toe out of line you would pounce on them so fast they would never see it coming?"
His expression turned grave. "I think you know."
I gaped at him.
"I meant what I said in Principal Greene's office, Bella," he said as we turned in to the drive. "I've never aimed to take your father's place, and you don't have to feel the same about me, but you are my child. There is nothing I won't do for you. There is nothing I won't do for any of my family, even kill. I wouldn't take the ending of a life or my decision to do it lightly, but I wouldn't regret it either."
It was my turn to say nothing.
oOo
A/N: And suddenly everything becomes clear ... after some bro bonding, of course. :) Poor Jasper. He's having a rough time ... still.
There is a sign-up sheet on my profile for the "We hate Gavin!" club (not really), but I really do hate him.
Papa bear Carlisle is awesome, is he not? I think so. In fact, I love him.
Happy Halloween!
Take care, everyone. Until next time.
