A/N: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I'm just playing with her characters. The idea of Peter just knowing shit and Jasper as the God of War belong to Idreamofeddy.
I am so sorry it took so long to get this chapter to you guys! A lot of hard work went into it and I need to recognize the efforts of my pre-readers, Juliangelus and Kayozm, and my beta, tammygrrl. This chapter would not be what it is without them, and I cannot thank them enough.
Something to clear up… In an author's not way back when I said both that Longing would be a trilogy and that the first part would be 45 chapters long. Both of these things are now incorrect. Obviously, we are already on chapter 45 and Longing is nowhere near done. As for the trilogy, I have gone through my plans and a loose outline of where I'm going and I just couldn't find an appropriate place to break the story up into three parts. That means that Longing is just going to be one enormous, super long, monster of a fic. I hope people are okay with that.
Next… this is the aftermath of what happened with the God of War. It may not flow as easily as most of my other chapters because it is a collection of snapshots delving into how Bella and the Cullens are coping.
Jasper will be gone for a total of five weeks, including the week he was in the woods with Peter. This chapter covers the first two weeks that he is gone.
oOo
Friday, January 1st, 2081, Afternoon...
BPOV
Peter had been gone for half an hour when I made the decision to leave. All of the mated couples, aside from Carlisle and Esme, had taken off not long after Peter had. It was obvious to me that they were in dire need of the same alone time the other couples had taken for themselves, going off to wherever to lick their wounds and reaffirm their love or whatever it was that mated couples did in situations like this; the only reason they were still at the house was because of me.
"You guys should go," I coaxed.
Carlisle and Esme both leveled me with a look that suggested I was off my rocker.
"Bella," Esme said my name obstinately. "We're not just going to leave you alone."
"I'm not hurt," I repeated for the umpteenth time. "I won't be on my own because I was planning on going back to Angela's. You guys aren't technically supposed to be home until Sunday, and besides, you need some time alone together after what happened to reaffirm your bond or whatever."
Carlisle and Esme shared a look full of the kind of meaning I shouldn't be witnessing.
"All right, sweetheart," Carlisle said. "As long as you promise to go straight there. We will have our phones on us in case you need us."
"Okay," I told them, having no intention of heeding their instructions but pretending to agree anyway just to stop them from worrying about me. They weren't the only ones in need of time to themselves.
I watched as they drove off and breathed a sigh of relief. Now the only person left was Charlotte and she sure as hell wouldn't care what I did or where I went, she was too busy guarding what was left of Savannah in the unlikely event that she managed to somehow put herself back together and escape.
"Have you got everything under control?" I asked unnecessarily.
Charlotte didn't give me a withering look the way I expected her to. Instead, she gave me a terse nod. "Yes, I've got it all under control," she assured me. "Take care of yourself, Bella," she said seriously. "Everyone needs you to be okay."
"I will," I promised. It was just that my idea of taking care of myself was different than everybody else's.
When I got in my car, I did not head straight to Angela's, instead driving to the horse ranch I'd been going to off and on since I moved to Forks. I curled up in Chaos's stall, pulled my knees to my chest, hugged them—my nearly healed shoulders twinged as a result—and rested my forehead on top of them. I needed his quiet presence to soothe my mind and body, but it wasn't the same because as much as I adored Chaos, it was Wildfire I longed for. I ran my fingers across the Wildfire pendant Jasper had given me for Christmas and hoped that was enough to ground me. As much as it helped, the reminder of Jasper stung.
oOo
Week 1
Sunday, January 3rd, 2081
While I enjoyed staying with Angela, I would happily have made up an excuse to go home if I had reason to, but I didn't have one—none of the family was back from disappearing in the aftermath of what I had taken to calling The Incident in my head, and per their cover, they weren't officially due back until Sunday night, so I was expected to return Monday. Charlotte had never left because she was still guarding Savannah. She didn't have the patience for any distraction from her duty, and I was considered just such a distraction. She wasn't mean about it, but she made her stance on the matter very clear, and there were many things I didn't know. Who was I to question just how closely Savannah needed to be guarded? So I left Charlotte to it without complaint, even though I was dying to have all my questions answered. I knew that wasn't her job though. That responsibility fell to Peter, and who knew when he would be back? As desperately as I wanted answers I was glad to wait if it meant Peter was out there watching Jasper's back.
I considered starting the tedious job of going through the heaps of detritus that were all that remained of the house, but I had no idea where to start and could logically assume that Esme had her own idea of how to fix this. I didn't want to unknowingly screw that up, so I acted like everything was normal. I went to work and then I went to Angela's like I was supposed to while the family was gone.
It was after my particularly long shift at the diner on Sunday that an odd thing happened. It wasn't bad necessarily and I certainly couldn't add it to the long list of shit that had gone wrong over the last few days, but it was enough to count as weird.
When I got back to Angela's house, I immediately headed to the guest room, hoping to grab a change of clothes. I planned to take a hot shower to get the smell of grease and french fries off me, but Angela was sitting on the bed, clearly waiting for me. She looked anxious about something...and shifty. It wasn't an expression I'd ever expected to see on her face.
"Hey, Angela," I greeted her as if everything was normal, totally dismissing my plans. My friend was more important.
"Hi," she greeted back, distractedly, her voice and demeanor definitely off.
I collapsed next to her on the bed, sitting cross-legged as I faced her. She mimicked me.
"Everything okay?" I asked, hoping that if it wasn't I could be there for her the way she was for me. She would never know just how valuable her advice had been. If not for her, I might not have gone to the Cullens' and there was a very good chance that if I hadn't the whole family would be dead and Jasper would be stuck as Not-Jasper for God only knew how long.
Angela twisted her hands together and then let them fall into her lap. For a second, she wouldn't meet my eyes. "Nothing is wrong. Really."
"But you're definitely not okay," I observed keenly.
Angela dropped her eyes to her lap. "No, I am," she said, mostly convincing, except for the fact that she still wouldn't look at me. "I'm just thinking."
"About anything in particular?" I questioned gently.
When she finally brought her gaze to mine, a thoughtful but worried expression was on her face. "Something that happened earlier today."
"Okay," I said, hoping to coax whatever it was out of her.
"I went shopping in Port Angeles this morning," Angela started. "I ran into your friend Leah, from the diner."
"Okay," I said.
"She was with her boyfriend but she was also with a couple of other people I didn't know," she continued.
I nodded, keeping my total focus on her.
"There was this guy," she said, face beginning to tinge pink. Interesting. "His name is Paul."
"Oh," I said. "Yeah, I know Paul. Was he on his best behavior?"
Angela gave me a confused look. "Is he usually not?"
"No, no," I reassured her with a smile. "He can be a little brash though."
"Oh," she said. "Well, he was different today...I think."
"Did he do or say something?" I asked, hoping I wouldn't have to pay him a visit specifically to smack him upside the head.
"Yeah," Angela said, not specifying which, and acting a little like a deer caught in headlights.
I frowned. What could Paul have done that had Angela so squirrely?
"He stared at me," she revealed, looking embarrassed. "A lot. It was...odd."
"Angela," I said slowly, "you're a pretty girl. It doesn't seem that odd to me that an interested party might stare at you."
She sighed, put upon even though she looked even more self-conscious. "It was the way he was staring at me that was odd."
"Which was?" I prompted.
"Intense," she answered. "Really intense and like I was the only thing around worth looking at. No one has ever looked at me that way before."
I knew Paul well enough to know he wasn't a super serious or particularly intense kind of guy, so Angela's account of him was definitely not normal.
Something niggled at me.
"And then, once Leah and Jacob and the rest of them came over to say hi, he was super enthusiastic about introducing himself," she said, wringing her hands again. "He acted like I was the most exciting person he'd ever met, like I was a movie star or something instead of just...me."
That something was niggling at me even harder, but what it was was eluding me at the moment. I would figure it out eventually. For now, I needed to focus solely on my friend.
"Okay," I said, not really sure how to respond, but fighting off amusement. I had a hard time picturing a starstruck Paul. "Did he do anything else that struck you as strange?"
"He tried to give me his number," she revealed, bemused. "Why would he do that?"
"Because he wants to get to know you better?" I suggested, hoping that was, in fact, the reason and not something else. Angela didn't need the drama of Paul pursuing her in the single-minded way he usually went after everything.
Angela frowned as if this was a foreign concept.
"Did you take his number?" I asked, curiously invested in her answer. It didn't make a whole lot of sense that I was so eager to get the answer to my question. Then again, it would be a good distraction to put the Cullen situation out of my head for a while. I just hoped Paul's interest was innocuous.
Angela bit her lip. "No, but I wanted to," she admitted guiltily.
"If you really wanted to, why didn't you take it?" I asked, still entirely too interested.
"Because...Ben," Angela said as if the answer was self-explanatory. "Wouldn't that make me a horrible girlfriend?"
"Ange, you're allowed to be friends with guys other than your boyfriend," I assured her.
Just maybe not Paul, I admitted to myself. Even if his intentions were innocent, he was still trouble...a good guy but trouble.
"But it didn't feel one hundred percent like a platonic sort of deal," she said reluctantly, her guilt over it not quite dissipated, "and I still wanted to say yes."
"Are you unhappy with Ben?" I had to ask.
"No!" Angela exclaimed a little too loudly. "Not at all. Ben is great. He really does make me happy."
"But?"
"But I can't get Paul out of my head," she said, miserable and confused. "I'm not saying I have feelings for him or anything, but I feel...connected to him somehow. That's stupid," she chastised herself, looking at me as though she expected me to agree with her. "Isn't that stupid?"
"It's not stupid," I told her. "Sometimes you just have a connection with a person that you can't explain. That doesn't automatically make it romantic and finding it with someone you don't happen to be dating doesn't make you a bad girlfriend."
"Okay," she said, not sounding terribly reassured. "Okay."
"You can be friends with whoever the hell you want, so if you want to be friends with Paul, be friends with him. Just, if that's what you decide to do, don't keep it from Ben. That's when you'll run into trouble," I advised as if I knew what the hell I was talking about.
"Yeah," Angela said. "Yeah, that makes sense. I've never lied to Ben. I don't ever want to start."
"I know, honey," I assured her kindly.
"But what if I do want to be friends with Paul?" she asked. "What would I tell Ben? I mean, wouldn't it seem strange that all of a sudden I'm friends with some random guy?"
I had no idea how to answer that question because it absolutely would seem weird and probably even a little suspicious.
"Bella?" Angela said suddenly, interrupting my thought process. She looked even more torn and guilty than ever.
"Is something else wrong?"
"What if I liked the way Paul looked at me?" she asked sheepishly. "Does that make me a bad girlfriend?"
"No," I answered. "But it probably isn't a good idea for you to be friends with him after all."
"Yeah, probably not," Angela agreed. "It was just...nice...to be looked at like I'm the most precious, beautiful thing in the world. That's what it felt like, you know?"
At that, I got a sinking feeling because that sounded a whole hell of a lot like the way Jacob and Leah looked at each other. That niggling feeling I'd had for the whole of this conversation became clear.
Oh! Oh wow!
Did Paul imprint on Angela?
If he had, damn! There was going to be so much drama over it, and I would probably be neck-deep in it. When did my life get to be such a soap opera?
"I kissed Jasper," I blurted out unintentionally.
Speaking of drama…
My eyes widened and I slapped my hand over my mouth as if that might somehow smack the words back into it and keep me from being even more of a colossal dumbass in the future. If I was lucky, she would focus solely on the how and why of the kiss instead of on the when.
Angela's eyes were probably just as wide as mine as she gaped at me, all traces of guilt and uncertainty wiped clean from her features. "I'm sorry...what?" she asked faintly. "Did you just say you kissed Jasper?"
All of a sudden a terrible need to talk about what happened two days ago overtook me, a need I had been pushing down until I didn't realize it was something I needed in the first place. It's not like I'd had anyone to talk to about it. Not only were all of the Cullens gone, but they were also out for obvious reasons, and Charlotte was too busy keeping watch over a still-dismembered Savannah to have a heart-to-heart with me about her sire's love life. I didn't even know if I wanted anyone to know what I had done to bring Jasper out of whatever it was that had happened to him besides Peter, and yet, here I was, confessing it to Angela.
"Bella, seriously," Angela said, trying to get my attention. "Did you really kiss Jasper?"
I buried my face in my hands, and mumbled, "Yes."
Angela squealed at a very high decibel that my enhanced ultra-sensitive ears did not appreciate. The bed started to shake and when I peeked out from between my fingers I saw that she was bouncing in her seat. It was entirely unnecessary.
Her grin was practically splitting her face in two. "I knew it!" she crowed. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!"
I removed my face from my hands so I could frown at her, eyes narrowed. "Knew what?"
Angela rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Bella," she chided, long-suffering. "I've been waiting for you to admit you have feelings for him for ages, and now...finally! Finally! I was right! I was so right!"
I pursed my lips and stared off to the left of her, trying to make a decision. Of course, I had feelings for Jasper but I wasn't sure if I was willing to admit to it out loud. That would make it real, as if the physical words would give the unspoken ones a life of their own, more power than I wanted them to have. If I did admit it, Angela was probably the best person to confess it to though. She was an entity outside the family and was, therefore, invested in a different way. The rest of the family had known Jasper first—their loyalty was to him, and Leah was out because if I told her, the entire wolf pack would know and they would not approve. Angela was my human best friend and would put my best interests first, but could I do this? Could I risk it? I had to take into account the fact that admitting my feelings to Angela meant her possibly inadvertently revealing my feelings to Edward. I would rather die than have a Cullen know the truth but I also needed someone to know my side of things—I would go crazy with it if I didn't get to vent soon. Did the potential revelation to someone whom I didn't want to know even make spilling my guts worth the risk? I had to decide.
In the end, I decided to be brave...kind of. "You..." I began slowly, "...may be right."
"I am right," Angela declared immediately and confidently, cutting through my reluctant statement right off the bat and bulldozing over my qualification. "You totally do."
I wanted to glare at her for it but she wasn't wrong.
When I didn't protest, her brilliant grin returned. "You like Jasper Whitlock! You've liked him for forever and now you kissed him. I was right!"
Her enthusiasm was infectious and I found myself fighting off a smile, but I didn't want to encourage her. I didn't want to be a typical teenage girl about this—I wasn't a typical teenage girl. I couldn't have this.
"It doesn't change anything," I said quietly, except that it changed everything.
At this, Angela abruptly sobered, all traces of amusement and giddiness evaporating. "Okay," she acknowledged carefully, her tone taking on a serious and compassionate quality at my seeming distress. "What do you need from me, Bella?"
I shrugged helplessly and wouldn't meet her eyes.
"Do you need to talk about it?" she suggested gently.
My face went pinched with pain until I forced my features to soften into stoic passiveness, but subconsciously my expression became a look of sadness.
"Oh," Angela breathed, suddenly morose at the sight of my melancholy. "Oh, Bella, what happened? Did he not kiss you back?"
"It's not what you think," I said. "It wasn't really a romantic kiss."
"So when you say you kissed him, do you mean on the cheek? Because that doesn't matter. If your lips touched his lips or any of his skin on purpose that's a big deal," she informed me.
"It was on the lips," I told her hesitantly.
I expected Angela to have to try to fight off another grin at this information but she remained serious. "Okay. So you kissed him on the lips but it wasn't romantic. I don't understand."
"It's complicated," I said. God, it's so, so complicated.
"Is it actually complicated or are you just making it that way?" Angela asked.
If only, I thought, smiling wryly. Now, how do I explain this without giving any actual details? I guess the answer to that was, I didn't.
"I swear I'm not making it needlessly complicated," I assured her. "It just is."
"Whether or not it's complicated isn't really what matters though, is it?" Angela said.
"Okay, so what matters?" I asked.
"Did you want to kiss him?" she questioned.
"No," I answered immediately, noting the disappointment that flashed briefly across Angela's face. "When I kissed him I did it because I felt like I had no other choice…" I said honestly. "But then he kissed me and…"
"And what?" Angela prodded gently.
"It surprised me, and at first I didn't know what to do or whether or not I wanted it, so I just stood there, frozen like an idiot, but then...then it started to feel...different," I said.
"Different how?" she coaxed.
"Then I started to want it," I finally admitted, not just to Angela but to myself. "I really, really wanted it. I wanted to kiss him."
I wanted to kiss Jasper. I had been wanting to kiss Jasper since Louisville.
"You know it's okay, right?" Angela told me, apparently reading my mind. At my look of utter bewilderment, she clarified, "It's okay to want that, Bella. It's okay to like him, and it's okay for him to like you back."
How could I ever, ever explain to her just how wrong she was? None of those things were even remotely okay. No one was ever supposed to mean anything. God, the last time someone meant something...
oOo
Wednesday, January 6th, 2081...
I had returned to the Cullens' Tuesday instead of Monday, surprised to find that in addition to Carlisle and Esme, Alice and Edward had come back. I was absolutely unsurprised that in my absence five very fancy and expensive trailers had appeared on the outskirts of the property, well away from the ruins of the house, one for each mated couple and myself. Luckily for me, these trailers had built-in WiFi capability, and Carlisle and Esme's purchase of a new router and a laptop for me, meant that with a little programming I could finally watch my surveillance footage either by the laptop itself or through my phone. It wasn't as secure as my old setup had been but it would have to do. Emmett and Rosalie had returned later that evening, and it was decided that going about the business of taking care of what was left of the house would begin the following day—today. I helped as much as I was able but couldn't commit all of my day to the endeavor because I had work and school.
It was my first day at the diner since my conversation with Angela. It just so happened that Leah was working too, and she wasn't glaring at me or looking at me like I had betrayed her, so I assumed yesterday's meeting between Carlisle and Billy to discuss Jasper's absence had gone well. I spent a good chunk of time staring at her whenever I wasn't focused on my customers. I could tell it was unnerving her, but the diner was busy and we didn't cross paths enough to say much to each other. Besides, asking if one's packmate had imprinted on your best friend required more time than just a few words in passing. If I had to I would finagle it so our breaks were at the same time and corner her for interrogation.
It just so happened that I had to use just such guile on our acting manager to achieve this, and once we were alone, I pounced.
"Did Paul imprint on Angela Weber?" I questioned immediately, not wanting to pussyfoot around things.
Leah's eyes widened just the slightest bit. "Yes," she admitted. "How do you know that?"
"Because Angela is my human best friend and we talk," I answered. "Paul wasn't exactly subtle about it. I read the signs and put the pieces together."
Leah smiled. "When is he ever subtle?"
"True," I agreed, smiling back.
"So…" Leah began, trying for nonchalance and failing. "Tell me about her. What is she like? What did she think of Paul?"
"She's super sweet and kind," I told her. "She's loyal, and she sees right to the heart of things and isn't afraid to let you know what she thinks about it or give really good advice. As for what she thought of Paul, that's not for me to say. What I will say is that she has a boyfriend, a boyfriend she's happy with. I don't want this messing with that or causing unnecessary drama for her."
Leah sighed unhappily. "I hate it when this shit gets complicated."
"Look, it's not that I don't want Paul to be happy," I said. "It's just not the right time. I don't know if it ever will be."
"It doesn't have to be romantic, remember?" Leah reminded me. "He will be whatever she needs him to be, even if it's just a friend."
"But what if it's best for him not to be in her life at all?" I said.
"That would be hard for him, but he would accept it," Leah responded. "But can't we just give it a shot? Can't he at least have a chance for something? If we don't even try, that's not fair to him. If it doesn't work out at least we will have given him his best chance to have any kind of relationship with her. He deserves that, Bella. You know he does, and he's your friend too. You can't say you care about him and then deny him this."
Leah was right. Paul was my friend too and imprinting was a big deal, a life-altering bigger than big deal. Even though I had told Angela it wasn't a good idea to be friends with him, that really wasn't fair to Paul. He at least deserved the right to try to be in Angela's life, since he would essentially be chained to her for the rest of his. We could hopefully find some sort of balance between Angela and Paul without endangering her relationship with Ben. It could be possible. It was also possible that this would blow up in our faces given what Angela had confessed to me the other day, but maybe Angela wasn't meant to be with Ben, as happy as she was with him right now. Imprinting was kind of like the werewolf version of the mating bond for vampires, wasn't it? And Angela could already feel a pull toward Paul. Maybe they could be together at some point, when they were both ready for it, which probably wasn't now since Angela was happy in a relationship with someone else. I didn't have to meddle in Angela and Ben's relationship just to give Paul a shot. It didn't have to be like that. After all, Angela and Paul were young and had the rest of their lives to figure their shit out.
"Maybe a group outing?" I suggested, torn.
"That sounds perfect," Leah replied, smiling again.
oOo
The entire first week Jasper and Peter were gone was a quiet affair. Very little speaking was done unless it was absolutely necessary. Most of the Cullens were displaying many classic symptoms of shock, granted only the ones that had nothing to do with bodily function—things like anxiety or agitation, confusion or unresponsiveness, and dizziness or weakness. I suspected those last two had to do with being a freshly torn apart vampire trying to recover from said dismemberment through the consumption of animal blood instead of their natural diet. Charlotte was good at pretending to be perfectly fine but that was probably due to having more experience. I figured they would already be healed if they went the human blood route, but that could put their treaty with the wolves in jeopardy, especially if they ever found out about Savannah. Not a single wolf could find out what had truly gone on from the moment Savannah set foot in Forks to the moment Jasper went all Not-Jasper. That meant the Cullens and Charlotte had to physically recover the slow way. Then there were the mental and emotional aspects of this whole ordeal. I suspected those two parts of it accounted for the uncanny silence and the anxiety.
As for me, I found I didn't have much to say either. My promise to help put the family back together in the wake of all of the insanity was severely impeded by the fact that I now had school on top of my shifts at the diner. Everything had to be seen as normal as possible, so my presence was required at Forks High School and Carlisle's at the hospital. Business as usual...except for the part where the rest of the Cullen "children" were not required to abide by this rule and wouldn't for the rest of the school year with the excuse that they were staying in Alaska to be with family. After the shit show with Jasper, that meant that they no longer had to convincingly pretend to be human when it had recently been proven that they were most certainly not. Another huge reason being that the family had decided to rebuild the house themselves and they wanted it back to normal as quickly as possible. Despite this decision, they were going at human speed, working during the day and stopping at night while they assumed I would be sleeping.
I was pretty indignant about the school thing, but I figured it also had to do with just how off each member of the family was currently acting. Better not to be at school at all than to draw attention. I was better at playing my part and the Cullens didn't question my ability to bounce back from that day because Not-Jasper hadn't hurt me, that they knew of. They were so caught up in the disorienting physical ramifications of that day and their own emotional shit that they didn't take the time to question whether or not I was truly okay. They weren't yet at a point where any help from me would be needed or welcome or effective. For the most part, it was mates sticking with mates, trying to help each other heal, leaving the rest of the family to deal with the consequences of that day in whatever way they chose with whomever they chose. Carlisle was a bit of a different story though. While he was going through the same things the others were, he paid more attention, but he knew me well enough that despite his concern, he left me alone, at least for now. In a way, everyone's lack of attention to detail worked out well for me because it gave me time to think which was both a blessing and a curse.
No one noticed just how not okay I really was. I didn't want to think about the day everything went to hell any more than anyone else did. I couldn't stop picturing the Cullens' dismembered bodies, reduced to piles of parts, as though they were never people at all. I didn't want to think about what it was like to perfectly align parts with one another and hold them together until they fused again. I couldn't unsee the expressions on the Cullens' faces as they were pieced back together—confusion and pain and relief and worry; the absolute bewilderment before everything clicked back into place and they remembered, faces twisting into comprehension and hurt.
But worst of all, I could still feel the echo of Jasper's emotions, at the worst times, and it killed me every time to know how much he'd suffered in his long life. I couldn't stop picturing the empty shell, knowing I was there but staring through me like my existence was nothing at all to him except maybe an inconvenience. I couldn't stop picturing the wounded, raw animal with agony and panic and distrust written all over his face as he projected his misery for all to feel.
All of these experiences hit a little too close to home. My memories of what happened that day evoked memories of other days I never wanted to think about again, let alone relive. Those memories were slowly seeping out of the cages I'd locked them up in, and I had lost time to them on two occasions already—it wasn't the same as the episodes I'd been having recently, but it was just as concerning. It wasn't always noticeable, but if I continued to have them, it would be. They were just easier to pass off as something else. That wouldn't be the case with the other episodes. I might be able to explain away a bloody nose but blood coming out of my ears would be much more difficult. It would draw undue attention to me from the vampires in my life, particularly Carlisle, which I couldn't afford for so many reasons, and it wasn't normal. That was my role in all of this—to be the normal one, to be unaffected, the face of the Cullen brand advertising that they were just like everyone else even when they were absent. I had to get my shit together and keep it that way. I wove my phoenix pendant through my fingers to ground myself, then I let it fall from my hand to thud against my skin, like a beat of my heart. With that one beat, it felt like I had lost something.
oOo
Week 2
Friday, January 8th, 2081
Peter returned seven days after he took off after Jasper, the Cullens all giving him looks of varying degrees of wariness. Jasper wasn't with him, and I couldn't overlook my worry over his absence. I studied Peter closely for any clues that might tell me what went on during the week he was gone and discovered a lot. Peter wasn't making any effort to hide what he was feeling, and he certainly looked every bit the Peter I'd known for the majority of my time in Forks and not the defeated, directionless man he'd been during our talk a little over a week ago. His determination had returned tenfold as had his confidence, and while he still bore the hallmarks of The Incident, there was a hint of smugness about him that made absolutely no sense to me. What was there to be smug about after everything, and what did that mean in regard to Jasper? Because everything seemed to come back to Jasper and Jasper alone for me lately. My need to know if he was okay seemed to be increasing exponentially with every day that passed until I felt sick with it, perpetual queasiness taking up residence in my stomach in addition to the seemingly permanent ache in my chest.
Of course, I was overjoyed that Peter was back, Jasper or no Jasper. I had missed him and it would be nice to have someone around who wasn't this quiet, uncertain shell of who they were just weeks ago like the Cullens or this fierce, monosyllabic prison guard like Charlotte with Savannah. Plus, Peter being back meant answers. I was finally going to get my answers, and I really, really needed them. I felt like if I had to wait even a second longer, I would scream or break something and there were already too many broken things at home, vampires and houses alike.
I was only just able to wait for Peter to greet Charlotte and double-check the state of Savannah before I marched up to him. I really wanted to hug him but I was still at my saturation point for physical contact, and even entertaining the idea made my skin crawl. In theory, though, a hug would have been nice. Peter understood without my having to say anything.
"Hey, punk," he greeted me with a smile, genuinely happy to see me.
I smiled back immediately. It was the first time I'd smiled for real in days, and for a second, it felt like a betrayal of everything that had happened and all of the people involved. I shook it off easily enough but still, my expression sobered after that. "Hey."
"You look like you're doing well," he noted approvingly.
I shrugged. "I'm doing well enough, I suppose. I go to school, I go to work, I try to help rebuild the house. Rinse and repeat. Not much there to make things any worse," I said. "I missed you."
Peter smiled again, smaller and more private. "I missed you, too."
I really had missed him because I felt kind of alienated at home, and I knew he would never make me feel that way. There wasn't much any of the Cullens really believed we had in common right now, particularly because I had been on Jasper's side, even though I knew full well what it was like to lose limbs and then have them reattached. There was a new strain on my relationships with everyone, aside from Charlotte and Carlisle, and now Peter, that hadn't been there before, and I was having trouble bridging the gap between my desire to help everyone else and my desire to remain true to Jasper. All I wanted was to help, and I didn't know how. I didn't think anyone wanted to let me. For now, mates were still relying on each other, and vampires seemed only to want support from other vampires.
"I suppose it's time you and I talk," Peter said. His expression was neutral but his voice had the slightest edge to it, not like he was nervous but definitely like he wasn't looking forward to our conversation. It made me feel a certain sense of unease but it also intensified my curiosity.
"Yes," I agreed. "I think it's past time."
Peter motioned to the trees.
"Are we going on a wildland forest adventure?" I quipped, a little nervous, not that I was going off to an unknown place with Peter but because there was a 50/50 chance I wasn't going to like the answers he would provide.
He led me, making sure I could walk beside him as though I was his equal. We walked precisely two hours, thirty-seven minutes, and twenty-two seconds, at a decent human pace. It could have been an opportunity for me to come clean about my origins so we could move faster, but this little outing wasn't about me and I wasn't about to make it so.
We stopped when we reached a rock arrangement that looked like a mini-cave. It smelled like Jasper but not of Peter since he didn't have a scent, so my guess was that this was where they had spent at least part of the week they were gone. Peter gestured for me to enter, so I stooped down and made my way inside. There were two depressions in the dirt that must have been where Jasper and Peter sat for at least long enough to mark their presence. I took the seat nearest the back and Peter claimed the other patch of dirt. The light was dim inside the mini-cave, but due to my superior vision, I could still see Peter remarkably well in spite of this. I wondered why he had brought me here, but I didn't question it. Peter always had his reasons for the things he did, always doing this, that, or the other very deliberately.
We sat in silence for a few minutes despite the fact that I'd been waiting for this conversation for a week. I needed to collect my thoughts and he needed time to do the same—I could tell by the look on his face.
"Is he okay?" I had to ask first.
"No," Peter said honestly, "but he will be."
"Did he say how long he would be gone?" I asked next.
"No," he repeated. "Like I told you before, he's real messed up, and he knows things with the family are fucked right now. He wants to give everybody the time and space they need to deal, but more important than that, he's got something he needs to take care of before he can come home. I have no idea how long that will take, but he is coming back, Bella. I promise you that."
"Okay," I said, relieved. "Good. Will he take care of himself?"
"Maybe not as well as you might hope for, but he managed to keep down a couple of bags of blood before he took off and he took a couple more with him. What he does with them is anybody's guess, but he should be fine. Where he's going, what he's doing, it's important enough that he'll need to feed regardless and he knows it."
I nodded, not satisfied exactly but more reassured than I was before. At this point, I didn't even care if Jasper had to feed on a living human as long as he got what he needed.
I am such a horrible person! I lamented, chastising but still not quite sorry enough to take the thought back. If I knew Jasper at all, if he had to feed on a live human, he would make sure it was someone the world would be better off without.
Troubling thoughts aside, there were other things that needed to be discussed.
"And how are you?" I asked.
Peter looked surprised that I would ask, confused too. Like he didn't matter in the wake of all of the fallout when he mattered just as much. Without him, the Cullens would still be piles of body parts. Without him, Jasper would have had to face his demons alone. Why he didn't seem to understand that was a mystery.
"I'm doing just fine," he said, and I believed him because while he was still morose he was optimistic at the same time. It helped that he still had that no-nonsense, take-charge attitude he'd had the day of The Incident. "It's always hard after this kind of thing happens, but we recover. It's just what we do. There's no other choice."
That was the perfect opening, so now it was time to get to the heart of things. I studied Peter again for a few brief moments, noting that he seemed more confident now that we were actually here and our discussion was more immediately imminent.
"I asked you what happened the other day," I began. "I feel I have a right to know."
"You absolutely do," Peter acknowledged, "but I'm going to be upfront with you. There are things I can't tell you."
I was right. I knew I was right when I figured he wouldn't tell me everything, and I was not happy. The scowl on my face emphasized that fact.
"What I need you to realize is that there are things about what happened that shouldn't come from me," he explained placatingly. "Some of it Jasper would rather have come from him. I'm just following orders here and showing my respect for his wishes."
Of course, you are, I thought, but I couldn't exactly fault him, could I? He was just doing what Jasper asked of him. I found myself highly annoyed with Jasper right then but I also understood. There were many things I would never want anyone to know unless they came from me.
"Fair enough," I conceded. It was clear that Peter had been expecting more of an argument. Fortunately for him, I was not in a combative mood. "So what exactly is it that happened that day anyway?"
Peter sighed. "Savannah happened," he said darkly, as though that explained everything. Hell, it probably did, just not to me.
"What does Savannah have to do with it?" I asked. I had known she was to blame since the day of The Incident. I just didn't know how or why.
"Savannah is gifted," Peter revealed. "And her gift is appallingly powerful. In all the time I've known her, she's never used it for anything good."
I didn't like the sound of that at all. That meant Savannah was deceptively dangerous, and I had done nothing when I met her. It was true, I couldn't have known, but I'd had a bad feeling about her from the get-go. I should have listened to my gut and done something. I don't know what I would have or could have done, but I still felt responsible for this shit situation in some way.
"What is her gift and how did she use it?" I asked hesitantly.
"She can nullify the gifts of other vampires and in some cases, take them over and use their gifts herself," Peter revealed bitterly. "That's why Alice and I didn't see her coming. We were blindsided."
"Okay," I acknowledged. "What did she do when she got here?"
"She took over Jasper's gift and used it against him, manipulated him, and took away his right to choose."
Oh...oh hell no! She could not get away with that, and she wouldn't. I now understood why no one had put her back together and also why Charlotte had been so ferocious in her need to stand guard over Savannah's broken body.
"Is that why Jasper lost it? Because she was controlling him?" I questioned, blood boiling.
"I don't know why Jasper lost it," Peter admitted plainly. "We don't talk about that after these episodes happen unless I know to begin with. But by the time he did lose it, it's safe to say her influence was no longer in play."
I thought back to the day of The Incident, remembering Peter's words at the time. "You called what happened an episode. What does that mean? And does it have anything to do with Savannah?"
"Those are complicated questions with complicated answers," Peter said, running his hand through his hair with a sigh.
"I can handle complicated," I informed him, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Do you remember what I told you about my father not wanting me to become a soldier?" he asked.
"And you becoming one anyway?" I confirmed. I also remembered hearing Peter commiserate with Not-Jasper over battles they'd fought together as he tried to keep Not-Jasper's attention from straying to me. "You became a soldier as a vampire."
"Yes," he confirmed. "Vampires have wars, same as humans. Not so much anymore because of human technological advances and the threat they pose to revealing our existence, but there was a time when war ran rampant in the South over feeding territory. They're known as the Southern Vampire Wars."
I took this in contemplatively, wondering if the scars he, Jasper, and Charlotte bore so prominently on their skin had anything to do with their time at war. I spoke the inevitable then. "Jasper was a soldier too."
Peter nodded. "Yes."
"And Charlotte."
"Yes," Peter said.
"Was Savannah a part of the Southern Vampire Wars?" I queried.
"Yes," Peter said, "but she wasn't a soldier."
That made sense. I couldn't see Savannah as a soldier at all. Powerful gift or no, it was easy for me to see that she didn't have the stomach for battle, but if she wasn't a soldier, what purpose did she serve?
"So what does Jasper, Charlotte, and you being soldiers in the Southern Vampire Wars have to do with what happened the other day?"
"Well, Jasper wasn't exactly Jasper that day," Peter said. "At least not the Jasper you know."
"I noticed," I interjected with an incredulous huff.
The ghost of a smile flashed across his face before he sobered, something troublesome settling over his features before he picked up where he left off. "It's hard to explain. He's just...complicated."
"Complicated as in multiple personalities?" I questioned. I had thought about it a lot and this was the idea that stood out to me the most.
"Kind of," he said. "He does dissociate, but before you ask, I can't really go into it."
What Peter said made sense to me. I had watched Jasper a lot, and while dissociative identity disorder fit in a lot of ways, there were several ways in which it didn't fit at all. I was very familiar with dissociation myself—a direct result of my time as a lab rat in Project Apotheosis. It was a phenomenon that didn't hit me until I escaped, and I had been dealing with it ever since. That's what I meant when I said I lost time. It had happened a lot in the beginning but slowly tapered off the more time and distance I put between myself and Fort Ares. I was no longer triggered often, and when I was, I was never prepared for it. So yeah, I got it. I thought about what Peter had revealed for a few minutes, and with a little guidance gleaned from my own experiences, I put the pieces together. I wouldn't bother asking for any confirmation of my conclusion in relation to Jasper himself since it appeared to be another thing Jasper wanted to come from him. That didn't mean I couldn't ask for the broad strokes on the big picture.
"And that started during the Southern Vampire Wars?" I asked.
Peter nodded again. There were a lot of reasons Jasper could have started to dissociate because of fighting in a war. The question was, how desperately did I want to know the specifics? I had a strong feeling that was also one of the things Peter wouldn't tell me because Jasper wanted it to come from him.
"How often does this happen?" I asked instead.
"It depends," Peter said. "It all comes down to the situation. Bella, you have to understand," he pleaded. "This isn't something he chose. This was done to him."
It must have taken a lot of suffering to turn Jasper into what I had seen, from the wounded feral animal to the violent, apathetic, empty shell. I knew without a doubt that it had because I felt it all during The Incident. It made me furious and it hurt to know he had ever experienced so much pain. I felt such ferocious protectiveness for Jasper in that moment that it caught me off guard. It sent my heart racing, but I breathed through it and tried to put it aside so I could concentrate on our conversation.
Things were starting to make a little bit of sense. "Savannah did this?"
"Yes," Peter confirmed. "But not just her."
"Maria?" I questioned, thinking back to how Peter had tried to distract Not-Jasper.
Peter looked surprised at the mention of her name. "Yes."
"Who is she?" I demanded.
"Who she is isn't important right now," he told me.
I huffed in agitation. The hell it's not. For now, I would concede this to him but it wasn't the last time she would be brought up.
"What did they do to him?" I knew he probably wouldn't answer that, but I had to ask anyway. I couldn't not.
"When we talked all those nights ago I told you that we were in a bad situation for a long time, Jasper had it the worst, and I didn't help him."
I nodded.
"Neither did Savannah," he said. "I couldn't do anything to save him until it was the right time—that's why I couldn't help him—but she didn't try to save him at all. She never intended to. Instead, she helped hurt him. You saw how he was. It took years of the worst kind of pain to both his mind and his body to create that, and she helped Maria do it. She always claimed to love him, but she still did it, and I was left to clean him up after they were done."
Peter hadn't said it outright but I knew that when he said pain he meant torture. I knew all about torture, and the fact that Jasper had suffered in that way, so much so that it had created an entirely separate persona, made me furious and so physically ill that I was shaking from them. I wanted to kill her. It had been a long time since I had genuinely wanted to kill someone but now I did. I wanted to watch her suffer and then end her miserable existence. Then there was the problem of Maria. She needed to die too. Given the chance, I would hunt her down and end her slowly and painfully.
"What will happen to Savannah?" I asked, hoping for an answer that involved bloodshed...or rather venom-shed.
Peter's lips compressed into a thin line. He wasn't going to answer me. He wasn't sure he should.
"You said you were in a bad situation for a long time and that you didn't help him," I reminded him, even if he'd only said it a few minutes ago. "This is how you fix it. This is how you be better."
Peter just looked at me, waiting.
"Kill her," I demanded coldly, more of an order than anything else. He smiled, full of promise, and made to get up from his seat on the ground, his attention no longer on me for the moment. "And Peter?" He stayed seated but looked back at me, eyebrows raised at my dangerous tone. "Make it hurt."
"Trust me, punk, she will know just as much pain as my brother ever has."
"I want to be there when she burns," I told him fiercely.
Peter's smile widened. "Oh, darlin', you will have a front-row seat. That I can promise you. I will even let you light the match."
The smile I gifted him with was savage and joyful—I knew what it was like to be used, manipulated, and have your choice taken away. Savannah's abuse had, in part, turned Jasper into a man he didn't want to be, a man who couldn't recognize his own family, and as a result, almost murdered them. That was me. There was a dark side to me that I couldn't control, cultivated by Project Apotheosis. For the most part, I had a handle on it, but that didn't mean it didn't exist, so while I had been able to be merciful to some of the more reprehensible criminals I'd encountered in my life, I couldn't find it in myself to extend that mercy to Savannah. It was possible that if it had been anyone but Jasper, it would have been easier to come by, but it was Jasper, so my ability to grant her clemency was nonexistent and I wasn't even sorry about it, no matter what that unwillingness said about me as a person. I wanted her dead and that was that. Peter looked approving, but for whatever reason, he didn't dwell on it. It wasn't even a moment before I realized that he wasn't done with our conversation just yet.
"Bella… why did you come to the house?" His question was more mild and less desperate than some of the other questions he'd fired at me in recent days.
My mouth dropped open just the slightest bit in surprise—it had never really occurred to me that someone might think to ask that, though I should have known better. I just hadn't thought much about it while caught up in the intense need to come here and the insane ongoing aftermath. I was hesitant to reveal what had brought me here, even if it was Peter doing the asking. Considering I had already confessed to him that I had kissed Jasper, it seemed strange to be reluctant over this but I was, nonetheless.
"I know you didn't promise me that you wouldn't, so you don't owe me an answer, but I'm still curious and I would like to know," he said.
"I don't really have a good answer to give you," I told him.
"But you do have one," he surmised astutely.
I just shrugged helplessly.
"How about this…" Peter bargained, studying me frankly. "I don't care if it's a good answer so long as it's truthful."
I sighed and looked away from him, not wanting to meet his gaze as I told him what I didn't understand—there were so many things I just didn't understand.
"Something was wrong," I explained. It was a piss poor explanation but it was all I had.
"How did you know something was wrong?" he asked, sounding just the slightest bit urgent now, as though my answer was very important to him and he was trying to hide just how much.
"I felt it," I said simply and then brought my hand in a fist to my chest over my heart, "here."
"But how did you know to come home?"
"There was this tug," I said, pressing my fist to my chest again. "I let myself follow it."
"Was it just then that you felt that something was wrong?" he asked next, letting a little more of that urgency he'd spoken with before leak through.
"No," I responded. "I'd been feeling it ever since you asked me not to come home, but then it kind of exploded, so I stopped trying to ignore it and followed my gut...after a little encouragement."
Peter frowned, his attention drawn inward, and appeared to be thinking hard about something. I had assumed he would eventually turn back to me and continue on with that line of questioning, but when his gaze again locked on mine, he changed the subject and I was left to wonder what he thought about my confession and what it might mean. I was all too willing to let that particular topic draw to a close even if I was no closer to understanding the core of the issue.
"What do you want to do about the Cullens?" he asked seriously, throwing me for a loop despite my gratitude over his willingness to let things lie.
"What do you mean?" I inquired, confused.
"Do they know what happened?" he replied. "Do they know that you're the one who brought Jasper down and how?"
My smile dropped. "No. No one has asked and I didn't offer it up."
"Do you want them to know?" he pressed. "Because if they find out, you have to be prepared for the questions they'll ask."
"I don't want to deal with any questions," I told him. I didn't have the answers to those questions and I wasn't sure I wanted them. It was a little selfish of me, but I could not stand the thought of being the center of attention, especially not in regard to this.
"That's fine," he said, trying to reassure me. "As far as I'm concerned, it's not necessary for them to know."
"If not the truth, then what do we say if they do ask?" I queried.
"We tell them I'm the one who brought him down," he told me. "I have the most experience with him when he's like that, so it's not a stretch for it to have been me. Not to mention, I was ripped in half after they were torn apart, so they have no idea when or how it happened. We just won't correct any assumptions they might have made about it."
I nodded slowly. I felt a little bad that we would be lying to the family about what really happened that day but not enough to want to back out of the decision. As Peter said, it wasn't necessary for them to know and what good would it do if they did? I could predict that answer very well—none. In all likelihood, it would do more damage to an already fragile, fucked up situation. I was already lying to them about far bigger, more dangerous things. What was one more, especially on such a small scale?
"Bella," Peter said, regaining my attention. Once he knew for sure that he had it, he continued, "I don't want you to feel guilty about this. In my mind, that kiss is a private moment between you and Jasper. You have a right to keep that to yourself if you want to. The only reason I insisted you tell me is that I needed the information in order to be able to assess how to take care of him."
"I'm not mad that you asked," I revealed evenly, even though it did bother me a little. I already understood why. Part of me was shaking in my boots at the need to admit this, but I did need to admit to it just so we had all our bases covered, and I had to be as honest with Peter as possible. "I, uh…" I began hesitantly, warily, "...I may have told Angela Weber I kissed him."
I couldn't bear to look at his face for a moment, feeling oddly ashamed and regretful.
"Bella," he said softly. "Look at me, sweetheart. Please?"
My shame must have shown on my face because his expression turned tender. "Why did you tell her?"
"I just… I had no one and I was confused and I didn't know what to do, and you were gone!" I let out in a mighty rush. "I didn't know where you were or if you were coming back, and I didn't know what to do," I reiterated. "I had no one...but then there was her. I didn't say anything more than that I kissed him."
Peter frowned heavily at the knowledge I'd unexpectedly spewed at him, a complicated series of emotions playing out over his handsome features. "I'm glad you had someone, punk, especially since I couldn't be there for you, but please, always know that I will be here for you whenever I can. I'm not going anywhere. We're family now. I'm sorry that I wasn't here and that I had to ask you an awkward question you didn't want to answer."
"I'm not mad that you asked," I repeated.
He looked relieved at that. "I'm really glad…" he trailed off, biting the inside of his lip and adopting a contemplative expression. "Now this is totally up to you, but do you mind if I tell Charlotte...about everything?"
I had to think about that for several minutes, torn, Peter waiting patiently. On the one hand, Charlotte's best friend was Rosalie and best friends tended to share a lot with each other. I couldn't discount the chance that Charlotte might decide to tell her. On the other hand, Charlotte's ultimate loyalty lay with Jasper, and I was sure she would keep her mouth shut about this because of that, especially in this case since it had the potential to hurt him.
"Okay," I agreed reluctantly.
"Thank you, darlin'," he proclaimed sincerely. I just shrugged in response. He studied me closely, looking for what I didn't know. "I know how hard that decision was for you."
"Just don't betray my trust, both of you," I almost, but not quite, begged. I had more dignity than to do that.
Peter tried not to look offended and hurt at my need to double-check. He didn't quite manage it, but I wasn't sorry for making sure.
"We would never," he promised. He made it easy to believe him, even though deep down I already had.
I just gave him a terse nod. "We should get back."
"Yeah," Peter agreed.
oOo
CharPOV
Bella had whisked Peter away before he and I had much chance to do anything beyond a short greeting and brief check-in over Savannah, though that was pretty self-explanatory. While I couldn't fault her for wanting answers, I also couldn't help but be endlessly annoyed with her over it. I had gone a week without my mate after so recently being torn apart, which was fine. I knew Jasper needed Peter more than I did—it had been a long time since I'd gotten upset and jealous over that; I understood now. I supported it fully now, but that didn't stop me from craving Peter's company. I loved him and I missed him, and despite that I'd been through this routine many, many times, I always felt a little fragile around the edges afterward. Having Savannah to guard, silly though it might have seemed considering, gave me a distraction from this unwanted and pointless craving of mine. Needless to say, having him back just to watch him turn around and leave again wasn't ideal. Giving Bella answers was important though, so I did my best to temper my irritation.
It was several hours before Bella and Peter reappeared in the treeline.
"What happens now?" I heard Bella ask from across the property. Peter was a few steps ahead of her, on his way to me, so it was spoken to his back. Bella caught up and he turned to face her so I could only see them in profile.
"Now I need some time, just me and Charlotte," Peter responded. I could hear in his voice how much he did need it and it took a lot of effort and restraint not to go to him. "When we get back, then we make Savannah pay."
"Sounds perfect to me," Bella said icily. From here, even though I could only see half her face, it was impossible to miss how her features twisted to match her tone. In the next instant, her expression relaxed into fondness before she offered, "Do you want me to guard Savannah while you and Charlotte are gone?"
My chest warmed and my annoyance melted away at those words from her. She really was sweet sometimes, when it counted. I appreciated that about her.
"I appreciate that, punk," Peter replied affectionately, his expression turning tender at her thoughtfulness. He reached out and ruffled her hair. "But I think she'll be fine for a while without bein' minded to."
Bella crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at him briefly for the indignity. "If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not leave that bitch without a chaperone, even if she can't put herself back together."
Peter smiled. "Far be it from me to tell you how to spend your time."
Bella smiled back. "As if you could."
"Bundle up, yeah?" he encouraged. "It's cold out. Don't want you gettin' sick."
"Sure thing," she agreed easily. Then she turned to go to her trailer while my mate continued on to me.
His posture, which had been so confident while with Bella, slumped as he approached me. As his eyes met mine, I noticed they had lost their customary sparkle; he was now timid, sheepish, a mere shadow of the up-beat image he'd been projecting.
We reached for each other at the same moment, and as his hand slipped into mine, I felt something settle in me. I had my mate back and even if things weren't perfect between us, we would get there. Just his presence was enough.
"Are you finally comin' back to me?" I queried tentatively, a question with multiple meanings.
As usual, he understood exactly what I was asking. "Yeah, darlin'," he confirmed, needlessly contrite. I didn't need his contrition, I just needed him, and it looked like I was finally going to get what I needed. "Yeah, I am."
The nod I gave him in acknowledgment was slight but meaningful.
Peter led me over to the area we'd designated for the remaining vehicles on the property, to the left of the build site, and over to Jasper's motorcycle, swinging a leg over the seat and turning to look at me in silent invitation. Without hesitation, I tossed him the keys and joined him, sliding my arms around his waist and holding onto him in a way he hadn't let me for days, and at this point, I would take any excuse I could just to hold him; it was damn near devastating that I felt I needed an excuse at all. It felt good. It felt like comfort. It felt like home, and I could tell he felt the same. At my touch, all the tension seeped out of him, his muscles going loose and relaxed. We drove for nearly two hours, the ride pleasant but uneventful, almost leisurely. I had no idea where Peter was going—I suspected he didn't either, riding just for the sake of it—but I didn't care where we ended up after the clusterfuck that was the past two weeks as long as we were together.
Eventually, we saw a charming house in the distance with a nearly hidden sign off to its left we wouldn't have seen if not for our enhanced eyesight, especially in the dark. It read English House Bed & Breakfast. Peter must have found it appealing because he turned into the landscaped drive that went over a small stone bridge that passed over a trickling stream from a small pond at the front of the property and up into the tiny, well-kept parking area. The house looked like an English cottage, painted a soft yellow, ringed with colorful flowers and bushes. It was cozy in a way the Cullen house could never hope to be, though Esme tried. It was two stories and couldn't house more than five, maybe six bedrooms. The windows had quaint box planters with yellow and purple winter pansies and violas. It was one step away from being swallowed by the surrounding forest, hidden away like the best-kept secret. I craved the warmth and intimacy of it like a drug.
Peter dismounted gracefully and offered me a hand to help me off the motorcycle, ever courteous. I may have been perfectly capable of getting down on my own but the gentlemanly gesture sent warmth and affection cascading through me and I couldn't help the smile that bloomed on my lips. When he smiled back, it was almost shy. It saddened me but a shy Peter was adorable and I couldn't help being moved by the sight of him. It was amazing to me that a man who'd been through as much as Peter had was still capable of such vulnerability, and it was an honor that he trusted me enough to let his guard down like this. He had been pretending the past weeks, even with me, though I could see through it just fine. I had let him pretend without calling him out on it, but the time for that was over. It was time for him to stop hiding from me, and I would no longer let him get away with it.
The inside of the house was warm and smelled of a crackling fire and apple and cinnamon—scents that still appealed to me even as a vampire. Peter made his way to the front desk and asked after a room. The kindly old woman checked us in swiftly with a smile and a twinkle in her eye. It wasn't difficult to find our room, and I was eager to shut the door behind us, to put up a barrier between us and the rest of the world, flimsy as it was.
The room wasn't overly large but it was cozy. A copper slipper tub big enough for two stood in the corner next to an oak sleigh bed. The blue and grey patchwork quilt covering the bed looked handmade and smelled freshly laundered. It went well with the pale blue walls. The floor was the same oak as the bed, well-worn but in good condition and polished to a high shine, clearly well-cared for.
Peter sank onto the foot of the bed, flopping onto his back gracelessly and letting out a groan. I observed him for a moment before joining him. The bed was very comfortable and we rested there for a while before the need to talk about what had been going on caught up to us. He turned onto his side toward me and propped his head on his hand, studying me carefully. I mirrored him and met his eyes, waiting.
"I'm sorry, darlin'," Peter finally said, truly apologetic. "I shut you out and that wasn't fair."
"You're right, you shouldn't have done it," I agreed without heat, needing to be kind. He needed kindness right now. We both did.
I had felt so alone without him at my side during all this bullshit, but I knew he hadn't done it maliciously. Something had been going on with him. He had been distracted, troubled and not just in regard to Jasper. I didn't think he'd pushed me away on purpose, it was just a byproduct of his preoccupation. Even if it was on purpose, I didn't want to be angry with him. After all, just because we'd been torn apart and rebuilt many times—to the point where we'd become almost numb in the face of it—didn't make it any less difficult emotionally and physically. We had both taken on the responsibility of caring for Jasper and the aftermath of his trauma, and that was another level of difficulty, one that carried a lot of weight. We both did it happily but that didn't make it any less heavy or heartbreaking. It was sometimes easy to dismiss Peter's own trauma in the wake of Jasper's, but our sire's suffering didn't invalidate what my mate had gone through. Peter and Jasper were the same in that they both tried to pretend their trauma didn't exist. The difference was that Peter had the luxury of being able to hide it better, burying it beneath his desire to help Jasper, but it still leaked through the cracks, especially when he was caught off guard. Savannah's arrival had certainly done so. I didn't have to guess what had caused his distraction.
"Peter," I soothed, covering his hand with my own. "I know I wasn't there for all of your time in the Wars. I know I didn't go through what you did. I know I don't understand everything...but I'm here. I'm with you."
"I know, darlin', I know," he murmured, looking away with a glum expression.
"Then why?" I asked, squeezing his hand to let him know I wasn't angry with him.
"I let Savannah get under my skin somethin' fierce," he revealed, embarrassed, confirming what I had suspected. "I didn't mean to. Lord knows I know better, but she still got inside my head."
"Sometimes it doesn't matter if we know better," I said consolingly, lacing our fingers together and leaning into him to rest my head on his shoulder. Peter released my hand after a moment, squeezing first, and then sat up and lifted me one-handed, settling me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and I returned my head to his shoulder. It felt so nice to be held by him, cradled so carefully, an expression of just how precious to him I was. We sat like that for hours, enjoying the quiet aside from the mesmerizing crackle of the fire. His touch was a relief, a balm to my soul. This was what I had been missing, what I had been needing for what felt like ages, but now I needed to look into his eyes. I needed to see if he was feeling it too.
I looked up just as he looked down, in synch as always. Catching his gaze with my own, I saw what I had hoped to see. There was so much love in his eyes, so much need, that it made mine prickle with tears I couldn't shed. In that moment, I had to kiss him. I needed it like I needed blood; I needed it more than blood. Our lips came together slowly, in a leisurely, unhurried slide. It was a dance we'd done thousands of times yet it always felt like the thrill of the first. There was no intention in it, kissing just to feel each other, to reconnect. I didn't know how long we kissed like this, lost in each other; it was like that every time we kissed— nothing else mattered. After however long I twisted in Peter's arms and swung my leg over his lap, straddling him. Our kisses remained lazy, even when he pushed my hair over my shoulder and worked his way down my throat to the muscle just above my collarbone and scraped his teeth over my skin. It sent a pleasurable shiver through my body, and I needed more.
I ran my hand down Peter's torso until my fingers ran over the hem of his shirt and tugged it up, hiding the tiny, knowing smile on his face as I peeled it off him.
"I love you, darlin'," he whispered tenderly, toying with the hem of my shirt.
"I love you too," I murmured back, covering his hands with mine, dragging it up together.
Those were the last words we spoke for a while.
oOo
After…
Peter and I lounged in the tub, my back to his chest and my head resting on his shoulder, sated and loose-limbed. We'd made use of the provided vanilla-scented bubble bath and so we were surrounded by entirely too many bubbles. He held me firmly and devotedly, his cheek pressed to the top of my head and occasionally ghosting kisses to the crown.
After a while, he broke the dreamy silence.
"How are the Cullens doing?" he asked, his tone serious and weighted.
"Not well," I responded honestly. I may have been busy in my quest of guarding Savannah but that didn't mean I'd been blind to the state of things. The Cullens had been quiet, withdrawn, in shock, which was to be expected.
"Shit. There's been no progress at all?" he questioned, sounding disappointed.
I laughed, amused at my mate's unexpected naiveté. He had to have known the family wouldn't have been recovered by now. It had only been a week.
"Honestly? They've been a fuckin' mess, babe," I revealed. "They're barely functional. You can't have expected them to be okay with all of this yet. It hasn't been that long since it happened, and they're not like us."
Peter sighed. "I know," he said, "but I was still hoping. Wishful thinkin', I suppose."
"They don't have an ongoing war to fight," I told him. "For us, it was either get over it quick or die. We had no choice. The family doesn't have that kind of motivation to deal with it that quickly. They don't have that skill the way we do."
"Of course they don't," he agreed. "They're not us. They don't need it."
I scoffed at that. "Everybody needs that skill."
Peter shifted and I could tell he meant for me to look him in the eye, so I didn't hesitate. What I saw when our gazes met was curiosity and indecision, as though he wasn't sure whether or not to be disapproving, and I felt the need to explain.
"I love them but I don't feel sorry for them," I told him, meaning it. That was why I hadn't spent the last week holding their hands. I didn't feel like I had to. They already realized that their picture-perfect world wasn't the real world. They didn't know what it was like to live a day-to-day, kill-or-be-killed existence. They were aware that some vampires lived like that, but overall, they saw the world of vampires through rose-colored glasses. The thing was they had never tried to take them off. They had never wanted to take them off, never wanted to know the truth and were perfectly content with Carlise's coddling. Now that they'd met the God of War, those glasses had been torn off and stomped on, and it was a truth they could no longer avoid. It was a difficult lesson and I felt for them, but it was a lesson they had needed to learn—even though they were probably still going to go on living their sheltered, sanitized version of a vampire's life. Logically they knew things like this happened, mates were torn apart and killed but sometimes they were rebuilt. Because they'd never had to experience it first-hand until now they were finding it almost impossible to deal with.
I couldn't tell yet if Peter understood, but he would. He always did.
"Everything's different, but it's good for them. Now they know. Now they understand. Now they can really see him. Now they can respect," I said, convinced wholeheartedly that I was right.
"Respect or fear?" Peter came back at me, playing devil's advocate when I knew he felt the same way I did. Even so, he seemed torn.
"They should fear him. They should know the truth of him, how powerful he truly is. If they know the truth, then they can appreciate him, they can admire his strength. They can give him the respect he deserves," I replied vehemently, fierce in Jasper's defense.
"I don't think respect is the real problem here," Peter pointed out. "The problem is that they have very little context, and I'm sure as hell not going to offer any willingly. Jasper won't either."
"The Cullens aren't stupid, naive maybe, but not stupid," I reasoned. There were a lot of things I disagreed with them about, but in truth, I had never begrudged them their sheltered existence. Sometimes I viewed it with distaste, but I had only ever judged them for it now that Jasper was directly affected by their ignorance. To me, their intelligence had never been in question. I believed they could learn and grow from this, but it had to be their choice and it had to be on their own terms. "They don't have to know the details to put the pieces together."
"And what about us?" he asked out of nowhere, sounding haunted and dejected.
"What about us?" I asked, not understanding but trying to. It was rare that I didn't immediately get where my mate was coming from—now was one of those infrequent incidences.
"We don't know the details," Peter said miserably. "We were gone for five years, Charlotte. We don't know what happened to him while we were gettin' our shit together. He had no one to watch his back. What do you think went on while we were gone?"
I almost flinched at the reminder. This was something we both constantly struggled with, our perceived abandonment and failure of Jasper. Most of the time, I was able to put it out of my head but it lingered like a ghost. "I hate that," I proclaimed, feeling the strength of the power of that hatred. But there was a truth there that couldn't be denied, even if it made both of us feel like shit. "You know I do, but we had to do it. We would be dead if Jasper hadn't let us leave when he did. Without that, we never would have known there was another way of life for us. It was that different way of life that got Jasper to leave with us when we went back for him. If not for that he'd still be with Maria, even now, after the Southern Wars have ended."
"I know," he said harshly. "But he said something when I went after him the other day. He said that Maria let Savannah do whatever she wanted to him. He didn't elaborate but I don't like what that implies, and I can't help wondering if there was another way we could have gotten him out, a way that didn't involve abandoning him for years. We failed him, Charlotte."
I felt sick, like I could throw up. It was a feeling I mostly felt when a reminder of the Southern Wars came up—mostly in regard to Jasper, but also on the occasions Peter shared some of his experiences with me from before I'd been made a vampire. What I was about to say would only intensify that feeling, but it needed to be said. The words that would pass my lips were relevant and could help to put things in perspective.
"Maybe he needed that though," I said carefully and regretfully. "Whatever the hell he went through while we were gone, I hate it, but maybe whatever they did to him helped him decide to come with us when we went back for him."
Peter sighed, resigned and heartbroken over whatever had happened to Jasper that we weren't there to save him from. I was heartbroken too, both of us unbearably sad.
"Peter," I said gently. "We can't dwell on this. What's done is done. There is no way to fix it."
"I know," he responded, distressed. "But—"
"No buts," I replied firmly. If he didn't snap out of this headspace, we couldn't get shit done, and we still had so much to do. "You cannot change it! If you don't let this go, it'll drive you crazy. Stop focusing on what we can't do and start focusing on what we can...being there for Jasper. The mission hasn't changed: we take care of him when he needs it, we help him put himself back together when he needs it, we love him as hard as we can."
Peter sighed again, deep and heavy, and nodded. His embrace tightened around my ribcage, and I hugged his arms with mine, our fingers lacing together.
I let the silence hang between us for a while, luxuriating in the fragrant bubbles and still-warm water. Peter was solid and real behind me, and it was comforting, peaceful after the turmoil of the last minutes. I focused on the feel of him, the visceral power of his body cradling mine, and waited to feel him fall into sync with me. I could tell when it happened, his spine went liquid and his limbs softened into acceptance, the way he curled himself around my back and propped his chin on my shoulder. He kissed the join between my shoulder and neck and just rested there. I pulled his arms even more tightly around myself, and then I reached up and ran a hand through his hair to his nape, eventually gripping steadily to ground him.
When the moment passed, I released him and twisted around until we were face-to-face, my shins resting on the outsides of his thighs, his knees poking up into my ass as I balanced there. I linked my hands around his neck, keeping my elbows locked so we weren't close enough to kiss if we moved just so. I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation.
"How was Jasper before he left?" I asked.
"Fucked up, like always, but lucid," Peter announced, still surprised and grateful over it.
I was hyper-conscious of my eyebrows as they raised in disbelief, but also of the smile that stretched my lips at this news.
"It's Bella," he continued on, pleased. "It's all her. She's the one who brought him down."
I gasped in surprise at that revelation, my brain spinning around in slow, wobbly circles as I tried to process that information.
"That's…" I trailed off uncertainly. I honestly didn't have any idea what to say. At this particular point I couldn't decide if it was a good or a bad thing. I wondered how she'd done it. I wasn't actually sure it really mattered how, just that she did.
My mate seemed to understand that I didn't have the words because he carried on.
"He figured out she's his mate," Peter proclaimed with a small grin.
"How?" I asked, clearly confused. "How could he possibly know that? We were so careful!" Not that this was a bad thing; it was what we'd been wanting and working toward, but I had a hard time believing the God of War was the catalyst that had revealed it to him.
"She kissed him," he said smugly. "That has to be what broke him out of it, but that's not the important part."
I frowned. "She kissed him?" I breathed incredulously, ignoring that last part. "What on earth would give her the idea to kiss the God of War?" I was truly bewildered by this. The God of War wasn't exactly kissable, and no one in their right mind would attempt it. Not only that but no one could get away with it...except for his mate, apparently. It made sense even if I couldn't reconcile it.
Peter chuckled, amused. "I have no idea, darlin'. I didn't ask. I was too busy reassuring her she did the right thing. But you're not payin' attention to the important part."
"So go on," I said, "tell me."
"I know for sure that she kissed him, but the important part is that he not only may have kissed her back but kissed her again all on his own. He's a little fuzzy on that. No matter who kissed who or how many times, it cleared the whole mate thing right up for him."
Wow. How had I not known this? Bella sure as hell hadn't said a goddamn thing about any of it, and why would she? The Cullens were enough of a mess as it was. Knowing Bella, who had known Jasper for so little time, had been the one to snap him out of it would do nothing to repair the damage done. Hell, it would make it beyond worse, and Bella was smart enough to know that. Why else would she keep her mouth shut? If I knew my mate at all, it was guaranteed that he and Bella had talked that aspect of this situation out during their discussion, and the only logical, characteristical conclusion they would have come to would be to stay mum.
"How's he takin' that?" I responded, dreading the answer. After Savannah and the fake mating bond, surely this news would be unwelcome. It would damn near be a disaster if I had to guess.
"Surprisingly well actually," Peter answered, maintaining that air of smugness. "You should have seen him, darlin'. He was practically gushing about it." I could hear the bright grin in his voice. "I think he might even be happy it's her, in spite of his previous opinion on mates. He left because he needs time to process everything, after all that happened…"
My happiness over this unexpected and remarkable turn of events overshadowed all of the residual negative emotions leftover from earlier in an instant, but it only amplified my impatience for more information.
Peter deliberately left that sentence hanging, and it did nothing but exacerbate said impatience. "Peter! What?! What aren't you saying?" I demanded, not quite annoyed.
"Savannah's fate is gonna come down to us," he revealed seriously. "Jasper doesn't want to take the risk that she'll pull some more of her gifted bullshit and bring out the God of War again, which is a big reason he left. He doesn't care what we do to her as long as we ultimately kill her."
Okay, so that was a massive confidence booster, knowing Jasper trusted us enough to take care of this for him, and it was going to be fun—for the first time, I was going to be able to take a piece out of one of my sire's tormentors and Peter would finally get some justice and closure for what had been done to him—but that wasn't what had my mate practically giddy.
"Peter, sugar, you'd better be straight with me… What aren't you sayin'?" I requested, my tone of voice verging on frosty with my continued impatience.
"He's goin' after Maria!" he crowed, so proud and excited he sounded a little unhinged.
I breathed in sharply through my nose. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"It's the best idea!" he insisted eagerly, eyes alight with elation.
"But is it a smart idea?" I countered, looking back at him. Peter frowned at me in disappointment, so I made my case. "I have the utmost faith in him, you know I do. He's so strong, stronger than anyone, but he's in a fragile place right now, and I'm worried about him going after her alone. She had her hooks in him for over a century, babe. She did everything anyone could possibly do to hurt someone to him over and over for decades. Even with how long he's been away from her, her influence still lingers. It's not unreasonable for me to worry that she might somehow manipulate him into stayin' with her, especially after all this shit with Savannah. All I'm sayin' is that it might have been a better idea for us to have gone with him as back-up to help keep his head on straight. He might need the reminder that there are people out there that love him in order to keep him grounded and focused on the endgame. If he loses control to Maria, he won't come back from it this time."
Peter sighed. "I get what you're sayin', darlin'," he acknowledged. "And normally I would agree with you, but you have to know that the only thing she really has on him is her ability to emotionally manipulate him. Take that away and he's the more powerful of the two of them. Maria is a fierce warrior but she purposely made him into something stronger than even she is. He is not the same man he was when he left her. If she decides to fight him, she will lose."
"But she can still emotionally manipulate him," I protested. It was ironic that Maria could do that to him so effortlessly and powerfully despite him being the empath, but that was just how good she was.
"It's different now. He's still fucked up but he's stronger than ever, and you're forgetting the one new thing he has in his arsenal now…Bella. He has a reason to fight beyond himself. Now he has a reason to protect. It will be difficult for him and it will be painful, he will probably even come back a little more fucked up than usual, but he can do this, Charlotte. He can end this...for all of us, and he needs to do it alone to prove to himself he's really out of that life...for good."
"Okay," I finally acquiesced, albeit unhappily. If Peter was that confident about this, he must just know. I had to trust in that. It didn't make me any less nervous about Jasper going after Maria alone, but there was no use in talking about it anymore. Trying to would be an awful lot like beating a dead horse.
"It'll be okay," he reassured me, sensing my still persistent doubt. Then he pulled me to him and held me tight. After a moment, I melted into him, tightening my own hold on him. When he finally let me go, I rested my forehead against his and closed my eyes, sighing out all of my distress. It had taken me a little bit of time, but I believed him now and the relief I felt was deep and all-encompassing—Jasper was going to be okay.
Once the water was cold, I hoisted myself out of the tub and offered my hand to help Peter up. He took it and levered himself out too. He grabbed a fluffy, white towel and ran it lovingly across my skin until I was dry before letting me do the same for him. Then we settled onto the bed underneath the covers, naked, and I snuggled into his side, draping my arm over his torso.
"How did the talk with Bella go?" I asked curiously. Her response was dreadfully important. How she reacted to this situation would set the course of what we still needed to do. Just because she initially stood on Jasper's side of things didn't mean her opinion was set in stone. And while her behavior over the last week was encouraging, that could change at the drop of a hat. Humans could be fickle, and we couldn't afford for her to change her mind. After everything with Savannah, I knew both Peter and myself were wishing for something to be easy for once, but Bella was fuckin' stubborn and willful. More likely than not, she would make things very difficult indeed.
"Better than expected considering how limited the parameters Jasper gave me were," he responded, gliding his fingers over the skin of my arm.
"I thought she would be pretty ferocious about gettin' her answers if the way she marched up to you was any indication," I replied, surprised but thankful.
"So did I," he agreed. "But she went easy on me."
"I'm glad," I told him truthfully. "What kinds of questions did she ask?"
"Everything you'd expect," Peter began. "What happened exactly, what was Savannah's role in it, who is Maria..."
"How does she know about Maria?" I asked, brow furrowing in confusion.
"She must have overheard me talkin' to the God of War about her," he said consideringly. "Wanted to know if there was any connection to Savannah and what happened."
"How did you talk your way around that?" I asked curiously. Bella asking about Maria was a dangerous thing.
"I didn't really," he responded.
"Please do not tell me you actually told her about Maria!" I exclaimed. There would be no closing that can of worms. I didn't honestly believe Bella needed to know about Maria. I didn't see what good that would do for her...for anyone.
"No," Peter replied. "I didn't have to. I told her Maria wasn't important for now. I could tell she disagreed, and she had to visibly swallow her desire to demand more information but she ended up lettin' it go. I haven't figured out why but man, she looked like she wanted to murder her. Savannah too, after I gave her the bare bones of it. I have a feeling that Maria is going to come up again someday."
I grimaced at the thought of that. "I certainly hope not, for our sakes. I don't think her knowin' anything about Maria is necessary, especially since Jasper is going to take her out as we speak. We should just put that part of our past to rest without anyone ruining it for us."
"I agree," Peter said.
After that, a smile bloomed on my face that was wide and ecstatic, and I shifted so I could look up at him. "Everything is going to plan though, isn't it? And we hardly had to do anything. Bella brought Jasper down from the God of War, she defended him to the family, and now she wanted to play guard dog to Savannah while we're gone! She has to be feelin' the bond!"
"Oh, she is," he confirmed, an inscrutable look on his face.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Their bond… I don't know what to make of it," he replied.
"What do you mean?"
"It's not...normal," he explained vaguely.
"I'm gonna need some details here, sugar," I told him.
"I got around to askin' her why she showed up at the house," Peter began. "Mates can find each other through the bond. We've proven it time and time again and Jasper proved it by finding Bella in Louisville all those months ago…" It was hard to remain patient over something so important but I managed not to rush him. Luckily, I didn't have to wait long. "...but Bella said she came over because something felt wrong and she couldn't ignore it. Mates can't feel each other that way, they just can't, and yet it seems as if Bella actually can. Not to mention that in what I know about mating bonds, Bella, being human, shouldn't be feeling much of anything at all. Whatever it is between them, it must be powerful."
"Do you think it's because of his gift?" I asked. In my mind, it was the only thing that made even a lick of sense.
"Could be," he mused thoughtfully. "I've never heard of a vampire's gift affecting their bond with their mate before, but I'm not an expert. The only way to possibly find that out for sure is if we request time in the Volturi archives and I would never risk that. Our unspoken agreement to leave each other the fuck alone might get shot to hell if we even hint at knowing something that might be of interest to them."
"Definitely better to leave it alone then, and anyway, it doesn't really matter why it's different. We just have to keep that in mind and consider how an abnormal bond that she can feel pretty acutely might affect her while Jasper is gone," I reasoned. "We'll need to keep an eye on her."
"Absolutely," he agreed. "It will be affecting Jasper more acutely as well. That will be an additional obstacle for him to overcome when confronting Maria."
"You're 100% confident that Jasper can take Maria out on his own," I reminded him—if that wasn't still true Peter would have said something. He confirmed it with a nod. "Besides, if Jasper can survive Maria and Savannah, he can survive an unusual bond's effects, no sweat."
"True," he allowed. "Speaking of the Southern Wars… I went into my conversation with Bella hoping they wouldn't come up, but she figured out we were soldiers so I couldn't avoid telling her about them."
"How did she take that?" I asked, dreading his answer.
"She took it in stride," Peter revealed. "She took all of it in stride."
"Good," I said to myself and to him. "That's good."
And it was, God, was it ever.
"I agree," he said. "But—"
"What?" I interrupted. "No. No buts—"
"But," he emphasized, interrupting me as I had him. "It's a little strange, don't you think? That she seemed so accepting of it all? I mean, it works out for us spectacularly and that makes me beyond happy, but it almost seems too good to be true."
"Maybe," I was hesitant to agree, "but as you said, it does work out for us. It's going to make everything so much easier, so can't we just ignore all of her mysterious quirks like we always do? For Jasper? She's only human, after all. It's true we don't know much about her past, hell, she could be nothing but trouble, but we survived a vampire war, for God's sake! We can handle one stubborn, secretive human girl."
oOo
Monday, January 11th, 2081...
BPOV
Peter came back every day absolutely reeking of Savannah's venom which pleased me greatly, clothes stuck to his skin in damp patches, always asking how I was doing and looking at me searchingly. I didn't know what to feel or think about that, but there was something that had become a persistent thought lately, and today I was going to bring it up. As glad as I was that he was taking care of Savannah, I had decided I needed to see her myself.
"Peter," I said, trying not to seem too eager.
"Hey, punk," he greeted cheerfully. "What's up?"
"I want to see Savannah," I replied, dead serious.
"No." His tone was decisive and it made me furious.
I swallowed it down, and asked, very carefully, "Why?"
"I could ask you the same question," he countered, his face stormy.
Unfortunately, I didn't have a good answer to that other than I just felt I needed to. I shrugged, knowing that it wouldn't be enough to sway him.
"No," Peter repeated as though that was final and the subject was now closed.
I fumed silently but tried to act like normal. "Go take a shower and change your clothes," I ordered teasingly. "You stink."
Peter grinned, proud.
I stared after him as he went inside his and Charlotte's trailer.
That was not the end of this particular argument though.
oOo
Wednesday, January 13th, 2081...
"He's a coward," I overheard Alice say to Edward.
I was immediately and irrationally furious on Jasper's behalf. There was no way I could keep my mouth shut, even if I shouldn't have heard it at all.
I closed the distance between us at a brusque march, grabbed her by the arm, and yanked her around until she was facing me.
"What did you just say?" I demanded. I couldn't even care that I had blown it and revealed that I had overheard something I wasn't meant to. My voice was low, dangerous, when I said, "Don't you fucking dare call him a coward."
Alice's features twisted into an ugly expression I'd never seen on her perpetually happy face.
"I am so tired of listening to you run your mouth," she spat, livid.
"What—" I began, taken aback. I knew Alice was upset about everything that had gone down, but I was not immediately prepared for this, the venom in her voice directed at me when we usually got along so well. It temporarily shocked me out of my anger.
"Stop talking about this like you were there!" she snapped, interrupting me.
"I don't have to have been there for everything that happened to know it's not on him," I said coldly.
"That's bullshit! You can't possibly understand if you didn't see it," Alice argued.
"I know Savannah caused this. She's the enemy here," I threw back at her fiercely.
Alice snorted, expelling air through her nostrils like a tiny, angry bull. "And what the hell would you even know about that? You weren't here for any of it! You don't know anything about her or what went on. Stop pretending like what you have to say means a goddamn thing."
I ignored that barb, refusing to back down when Jasper needed someone to advocate for him. "I don't need to know anything about her to know this is on her because I know Jasper—"
Alice laughed, her face contorting in disbelief. "You know Jasper," she parroted. "You know him. You've been here for three months and you think you know him?" She laughed again, a little hysterically. "How could you ever think you know him! You don't know shit," she sneered. "You're not even friends! You've spent every second since you've been here tearing him down, and you think you know him?" Her tone became more and more venomous the more she spewed her hurtful but semi-truthful words at me. My guilt over my behavior toward Jasper came roaring forward, battling with my anger, disbelief, and confusion. "I know him! I have known him longer than anybody in this family. That's right, Bella. He's my family. Not yours and I know him better than you ever will. I hate Savannah and everything she did to him, I hate her so much, but she did not do this! He tore her apart first, and then he came after us. She couldn't have told him to do this, so this is on him," she screamed. "Stop spewing your bullshit about him being innocent like you have any fucking idea what you're talking about."
"If you know him so goddamn well and you can't see the truth about what really happened, then you're not paying attention, Alice," I snapped back. "He would never hurt any of you if he had any choice. I looked him in the eye that day, and who I saw was not Jasper. The Jasper you know didn't do this."
"But he did hurt us," Alice argued, ignoring what I had said last. "He tore us all apart like it was nothing! Like we meant nothing! He tore Edward apart like it was nothing! Like we haven't been family for nearly 100 years. He did that!" she said, her voice quieting. "And he didn't even say he was sorry. If he really wasn't in control, if he really didn't have a choice he at least owed us that and a fucking explanation, but he didn't. He is a goddamn coward. He left like a goddamn coward, abandoning us to clean up his mess. And that's what matters. That's what this is really about."
"Do not call him a coward," I seethed, furious on Jasper's behalf. "He stayed. He helped put you all back together no matter that he was suffering or are you just choosing to ignore the projection of all of his emotions? How can you have felt all of that, all of his pain and misery and guilt and still stand here, condemning him? Has it not occurred to you that he might need time to recover before he faces you or would you prefer that he try to explain everything to you while he's not himself yet? Don't you think that would be unfair?"
"Screw unfair!" Alice yelled. "It doesn't matter. After everything the two of us have been through together, he still hurt me! He hurt Edward! He almost took away the one thing I love most in this world! The only thing that makes life worth living! Pretend like it didn't happen? No way," she said stubbornly.
So it was a mate thing. Of course, it was a fucking mate thing.
Fucking mating bonds. I was so sick of mates and mating bonds and all of the excuses that came with them. If that's what a mating bond truly entailed, I didn't see the appeal. Carlisle had said that mates were all about the heart and that they defy logic. Well, I was just about ready to rip some hearts out and shove them down some throats.
"No one's asking you to pretend like it didn't happen!" I shouted. "Of course you can't pretend that your family didn't go through something huge and scary and traumatizing. You shouldn't. All I'm asking is that you try to think beyond your mate bias and consider why he might have needed to leave. You say you know him so well, so you have to know he didn't abandon you!"
Mating bond or no, how could she not have recognized Jasper's pain, confusion, and fear and not grasp that he was suffering?
How could Alice have felt that and not understand that he had needed to collect himself before he faced the family and that he couldn't do that and feel their judgment on top of trying to cope with his own issues?
"Edward is my mate, Bella," Alice exclaimed hotly, eyes flashing but also filling with tears. It was a toss-up as to whether or not they were tears of devastation or rage. "He's my everything, and Jasper almost took him away from me! I watched as he tore everything that's most important to me in the world into pieces like it was nothing, Bella, and you will never know or understand the pain and terror of that. You will never know the kind of love mates share, how they just fit together and make each other whole like nothing else ever could. You will never understand how that feels or what it means and definitely never what it's like to almost lose it! And then he left us."
"Alice," a stern voice warned. "That's enough."
I had never heard Edward use that tone with Alice before, steely and disapproving.
"Edward—" Alice began to protest, clearly confused and hurt.
"Enough!" he repeated, his tone final.
Alice looked betrayed and angry still, staring at him for a long moment before running off without offering any more argument.
I stood there, shocked. I never thought I'd see the day anything drove a wedge between Alice and Edward, and it was my doing. I didn't like that at all.
Edward sighed. "Bella, please try not to judge her too harshly," he pleaded softly.
I scoffed. "How can you expect me to ignore everything she just said? It's like nearly 100 years of history has been erased because of something that happened in minutes, something reversible, something triggered by another person entirely. And he did not abandon her. He's coming back."
I hope he's coming back. He has to come back. Peter promised.
People lost limbs all the time, and it was hard but they adjusted. At least the Cullens got their's reattached. I got mine back too. It never stopped Project Apotheosis from taking them away again—new experiments and all. How well can Soldier Omega fight with only one arm? was just such an experiment. At least Jasper didn't do it to the Cullens on purpose.
Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed again. "Look, I'm on his side, okay? But all of this has come as a shock. First Savannah showing up and all the shit that came with that. Now, this. Alice is hurt, terrified and lost, devastated. She feels like her oldest friend betrayed her somehow and then abandoned her. We all thought we knew Jasper and everything his history entailed, but we were so wrong. We didn't have the first clue, and then, within a moment, we're staring it in the face, and there was nothing we could do about it, not for ourselves and not for him."
"That's no excuse," I insisted stubbornly.
"Bella, we're vampires," Edward said patiently. "We don't fear mortality or death because we're supposed to be above it...except all of a sudden we weren't. We were shown just how vulnerable to death we still are. That's a tough thing to reconcile, especially when who's responsible for reminding us we're still almost as mortal as humans is someone you love and trust, someone you thought you knew..."
"You do know him," I protested.
"Of course, we know him," Edward agreed immediately, contradicting his earlier statement, but it was clear that this was actually his truth. "It's just a lot to process. It's terrifying and shocking and humbling, and we're all at a loss. We don't understand, we never can, and that makes it hard. Even though deep down we all know Savannah is to blame, it wasn't her hands that tore us apart. We never expected that the part of Jasper we had never met would turn against us, that he would ever not be on our side. That he tore Savannah apart too is the only good thing to come of this." Edward smiled just a little and then turned grim.
"I didn't realize what was about to happen until it was too late. It was only a millisecond between when I heard Jasper's thoughts and figured out what was going to happen and when everything started to go down. I had no idea what to do, how to warn anyone, the whole thing was so confusing and abrupt. There was nothing that could have been done to stop it anyway. We weren't prepared at all, and then he was just there, ready to fight, and he didn't give us any time to get our shit together. Vampires are strong, fast,.6+ and agile, we can fight when necessary and most of the time we can win on instinct alone, but not like that, not like him. He was all instinct but refined...weaponized. He broke through our instinct like it was tissue paper.
"He was vicious but also efficient. The way he took us out was just so fucking efficient and so, so brutal. He was like a machine that nothing and no one could stop. He just batted us aside like we were nothing. The only ones who had a shot at taking him down were Peter and Charlotte but even they didn't have much chance of it. Peter tried talking him down but that did fuck all. Then when Peter started to fight, he and Charlotte teamed up against Jasper but it wasn't enough. He took Charlotte out in what felt like seconds despite her experience. When Peter went up against him solo, there was only so much he could do because his attention was divided between Jasper and us and that made it easier for Jasper to temporarily take him out of the game. Every time Jasper sidelined him, one or more of us were torn apart.
"Alice got to watch him take every last one of us apart because Jasper took her out last. All I have is the fear I felt for what I knew would happen to her. I don't have the visual to go along with it. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her to actually see it happen to me and not be able to do anything about it, not even with her gift. I fought as hard as I could to keep him from getting to her, but I was a pile of body parts before I really knew what to do with myself. If I'd had to watch someone tear Alice apart with their bare hands and be helpless to stop them, it would have killed me...and those hands were Jasper's. He's her oldest friend, her first friend, and he has a special place in her heart. Watching him hurt all of us was like a nightmare come true."
I nodded, processing this and trying my best to understand things from Alice's perspective. Edward's narrative made it easier for me to swallow considering I still couldn't make my instinct to protect Jasper shut off, no matter how hard I tried. I had to remind myself, again, to remember that he wasn't the only victim in this. They all were. Even so, the blame should only lie with Savannah. If only I had some way of knowing what the hell she had done to cause all of this...then again, did the specifics of what she'd done really matter?
There was something that had been bugging me for a while now. I should have brought it up with Peter when I had the chance but it hadn't seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe Edward could shed some light on it—he was as good a person to ask as any. "It makes sense that he took Alice out later on," I reasoned aloud. "If it were me, I would have eliminated the biggest threat first, but he didn't take Peter out first."
"Jasper has a weird quirk about Peter if what I've heard is true," he told me. "Sometimes he leaves Peter alone and sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he tears him apart but he has never truly tried to kill him. Not even Peter understands or knows why Jasper, in that state, seems to like him enough to keep him alive, even if not always in one piece.
"You are the anomaly, Bella," Edward said before I could add anything or think through what had been said. "You are the only one of us Jasper didn't hurt. We're all truly happy about that, please don't doubt it, but it has made Alice wonder what makes you different and why he would hurt us and not you when the rest of us have meant more to him for so much longer. Just be patient, okay? She's working through everything. Soon enough she'll realize that Jasper didn't abandon her and that he isn't to blame for any of it and focus all of her rage on Savannah. She just needs time, and I'm working on it from my end too. Everything will be alright, okay?"
Grudgingly, I nodded. Edward was being reasonable, and he was on Jasper's side even if he was also on Alice's, so I had to trust that he knew what he was talking about. I would only believe everything he said about Alice when I saw it with my own eyes though.
Who would have thought I would ever be at odds with Alice of all people?
God! Everything is so fucked up!
oOo
EdPOV
"Alice!" I called, knowing she was close. Her thoughts were getting louder but I tried to close off my gift. Now wasn't the time to be invasive, even if I couldn't help it. "Ali, love. Please come out."
"Why should I?" she demanded petulantly, but it was just a cover for how hurt she was. "Are you going to humiliate me again?"
"Of course not," I promised as she appeared through the trees. "I wasn't trying to humiliate you at all, sweetheart."
Alice huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "Then why did you tell me to shut up?"
"Alice, I didn't tell you to shut up."
"I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you did," she insisted, scowling.
I prayed for patience and decided to just move on. "You were yelling at Bella about things neither of you understand."
"I understand perfectly fine," she argued. "It's Bella who doesn't understand. I was just trying to get her to see reason."
I sighed, preparing myself for the incoming blowback. "Bella wasn't wrong, love. She may not have been there and she may not understand what we went through, but she isn't wrong. Savannah is the only one to blame in this."
"How can you say that?" she asked, deflating. "I know Savannah played a part, but she isn't the one who tore us all into pieces."
"Alice, Savannah is the only one to blame," I pronounced firmly, tone brooking no argument.
Alice studied me carefully for a long time. "What do you know that I don't?" she queried.
"I know why Jasper lost it," I revealed, my anger over what pushed him over the edge sparking brightly before I forcibly tamped it down, "and that is all on Savannah. She's the definitive reason the God of War paid us a visit. Jasper is most definitely a victim here, Alice."
"You saw it," she stated. "How did you read his mind? He never lets you read his mind."
"I don't think he could help it. He wasn't in any position to use any of his regular countermeasures," I told her.
"What was it?" she demanded. "What did that bitch do to bring out the God of War?"
My face contorted into regret. "I can't tell you that. You know I can't."
"Why not?" Alice asked.
"It would be a betrayal to Jasper, love," I reminded her. "Everyone's thoughts are private, and this is especially not an exception. I would never reveal something like that, especially since he never would have let me see it in the first place if he could help it. Just trust me, please? And trust Bella too. This isn't Jasper's fault."
"It's not like I want it to be Jasper's fault," she informed me gravely. "He's my oldest friend, but seeing him like that...I can't unsee it. I can't stop picturing him ripping you apart. It was terrifying and I'm having a hard time reconciling that guy with the man I've known for nearly a hundred years, but that's not even really the point… He left. I would have helped him, and he still abandoned me," Alice said, her voice hurt and barely above a whisper.
"I know, love," I acknowledged sadly, "but him leaving wasn't about you or whether or not you could help him. He left because he felt he had to, and Bella is right about that too. He's coming back. I swear to you, he is. When he comes back to himself and has some time to recover, he will remember that we love him unconditionally and without judgment. He'll know we're waiting for him so we can be there for him. He will come back."
"I do love him unconditionally, and I'm trying really hard not to judge because it's Jasper. I will get over it eventually. It's just a lot, you know?"
"Of course, I do," I assured her.
"Until then, I will try not to yell at Bella anymore…" she promised, "...even if she starts acting like she knows better than me…"
"Try to be patient with Bella. She went through something too, and she means well…" I told her.
I thought back to when I first suspected that Jasper and Bella might be mates. Despite what Peter and Charlotte had said about the timeline for Jasper's mate appearing, lots of little clues in the interim had lent the idea that Bella was his mate credence, especially everything that had happened with the God of War. If it was true, and I still wasn't sure that it was, she would be feeling the bond with Jasper gone and not have a clue what the hell she was feeling at all. We had to take care of her for Jasper, not push her away from us all the way my own mate seemed to want to. My theory that they were mates was information I was keeping to myself for now—I had a few tricks up my sleeve that could keep my Ali in the dark if I had to—since I didn't know for sure. I would just keep an eye on Bella and maybe consult with Peter and Charlotte at some point. If anyone could confirm my suspicions, it would be them.
Alice humphed, still obviously cross and frustrated with our human but she didn't dwell on it for too long.
"Why are you not bothered by everything that's happened?" Alice asked. "I can usually read you better than this."
"Oh, I'm bothered," I assured her darkly. "I'm more than bothered, I'm furious, and I don't completely understand why what Savannah did would lead to him coming after us, but knowing what I know makes it easy for me to blame the right person. Being able to correctly place the blame has made things a lot easier for me to handle what happened."
"It's not that I don't blame Savannah, you know," she said quietly.
"I do know," I told her confidently.
"Of course you do," she immediately agreed.
"You know what else I know?" I asked, just a little teasing but still serious.
"And what is that?" she queried, the hint of a smile on her face.
"The woman I love doesn't give up on family," I revealed finally, a broad smile stretching my mouth.
Alice's grin grew to match mine. "Never."
I opened my arms, and she practically fell into them.
oOo
Thursday, January 14th, 2081...
BPOV
I was laid out on my stomach on the bed in the trailer Carlisle and Esme had bought me after the destruction of the house—the extravagant purchase made me uneasy but refusing it on top of everything else wouldn't do anyone any good, so I sucked it up and said nothing—when there was a knock on my door.
Esme stood outside holding a brown paper bag filled with groceries. I let her in cautiously. She and I hadn't really talked much since the day of The Incident, just like most of the others. Also, like with the others, it was hard to tell where she and I stood, let alone how she felt about Jasper.
"Can I make you dinner?" she asked hesitantly, smiling the tiniest bit and looking hopeful, and I took it for what it was—an olive branch of sorts.
"You don't have to do that. I can look after myself," I reminded her gently, turning and making my way to the bench seat that converted into a bed. I settled onto the side of it that faced the little stove and oven, and therefore, Esme.
"I know," she said, placing the bag of groceries on the tiny counter, her body angled toward me. "But I like cooking for you. Given the amenities, it won't be anything fancy though."
"I don't need fancy," I told her.
Esme smiled more genuinely. "I know."
We were silent for a bit, Esme pulling stuff out of the bag and organizing it before she spoke again. "I never thanked you, you know."
"For what?" I inquired curiously.
"I always loved cooking for the people I love," she told me. "I lost that when I became a vampire. When you came into our lives, you gave that back to me."
"Uh… you're welcome?" I responded.
She chuckled at that, getting to work. I watched her for a long time, trying to guess what she was making. For someone who claimed she wouldn't be able to make anything fancy, she was being awfully contradictory. Small as it was, she moved throughout the kitchen just as fluidly as she had in the now destroyed kitchen in the main house, chopping, slicing, and dicing with ease.
Despite how confident she was, it was still obvious to me that she was troubled, on edge from frayed nerves. She had left herself unguarded as she crossed my threshold, but I didn't know if she'd done it on purpose. As far as I could tell, she'd been too preoccupied to bother trying to hide her thoughts and emotions, but I could be mistaken. Maybe she was better at that than I was giving her credit for.
As I stared, I wondered what I should do, if I should ask her about that day. She was different from Alice, who hadn't been shy about making her feelings known; she wasn't like Emmett, who was still so shaken, or Rosalie, who didn't seem to have an opinion one way or another. No, Esme was clearly torn and I wanted to know what her thoughts were. I needed to know where she stood because from where I stood, out of all of the Cullens, she was the one I could actually help, and that was my only reason for still being here. I needed to do the job I had assigned myself, otherwise, what was the point? I could finally be useful. Now I just needed to decide how to approach her, and my decision took very little time…gently without treating her like she was fragile, but I would be direct with her—there was no use in beating around the bush.
"How are you doing?" I asked, hoping she understood that I was referring to The Incident and not just here and now.
"I'm struggling," she admitted slowly, as though she didn't want to accept her feelings on the matter.
"That's okay, you know," I told her kindly, trying to exude compassion, to tell her I understood as much as I was able.
"I know," she responded softly, "but I still feel like I shouldn't be."
There wasn't much I could say to that. While I wanted her to know I empathized with her, it wasn't my place to tell her what she should or shouldn't be feeling.
"Do you blame Jasper?" I asked.
"I don't know," Esme answered honestly, turning away from the frying pan she was preparing for the chicken she'd filleted. "I know I love him. I love him like he's my own. It's a miracle that he lets me. It's ridiculous, you know? He's older than me by decades. He's seen things I will never see or understand. Because of the life he led before he joined us, he, more than the others, doesn't need a mother, but he lets me pretend because he knows I need it. That's who he is, and I love him unconditionally, but I'm still standing here wondering if I can trust him, if I can let what happened go in spite of that. I don't deserve to be his mother."
Her expression was pained as she revealed all of this. She looked like she needed a hug, but I wasn't there yet. However, I decided to make another exception, even though it would hurt me. Getting up from the bench, banging my knees under the table as I did, I took the step or so between us and wrapped my arms around her, letting the silence stand. It wasn't a long embrace but it appeared to do Esme a world of good. Stepping back and using all of my restraint not to retreat like I'd been burned by her touch and schooling my face, I returned to my seat. Esme looked beyond touched at my attempt at comfort but she also looked knowing, as if she could sense my struggle even though I'd done a good job of concealing it. Seeing how much good it did her, I made another decision—I would give one hug to every Cullen that needed it, if it really looked like it would help, regardless of the cost to me...but only one.
I was quiet for a long time, processing her words from before, thinking hard and analyzing everything I'd observed and learned in all of my time here. It was true that Jasper didn't necessarily need a mother—he could take care of himself just fine. It might have been nice to have a mother, I think.
"I think he does need you. I think that's why he lets you pretend, even if he may not realize it, and I think he needs you now more than ever. He needs to be protected and cared for and cherished. From everything I've seen, that's you to a T. You can be that for him...if you let yourself."
Esme's face took on a thoughtful expression, clearly turning my words over in her head. "I want to be that for Jasper more than anything. As much as I love him, Carlisle still nearly died. That pain still echoes. Not being able to see him all the time because of his work at the hospital hasn't helped me to heal. As much as I want to let it go, there's not enough distance between it and my heart, but it won't last forever. By the time Jasper comes home, I will be ready to commit to being there for him with my whole heart. Can you forgive me?"
I frowned, confused. "Why are you asking for my forgiveness?"
"You've been very protective of Jasper since that day," Esme replied evenly. She didn't look angry or judgmental or suspicious as she said it. She didn't even look curious or wondering. It was a relief.
"I don't like injustice," I said in response.
"Oh, darling," Esme commiserated, her expression turning decidedly less than kind. "I assure you that justice will be done, by my own two hands when the time comes."
I smirked, knowing Esme felt the same way about Savannah that I did and I knew for a fact that more than two hands would be used to extract their pound of flesh from her.
She nodded in satisfaction at her own promise but when she spoke again it was a non-sequitur. "And what about you, Bella?"
"I'm not sure what you're asking," I said.
"What about your mother?" she clarified, studying me closely.
I froze in the face of her curiosity. For a moment, I was at a loss, not sure how to answer. I settled on, "I don't talk about her."
There was nothing to say anyway. After all, I didn't have a mother.
oOo
The second week of Jasper's absence hadn't been great. The shock of the events of that day was starting to wear off and the Cullens were starting to look a little more alive. While they were all still very quiet, they started to return to themselves.
Things between Alice and I were still rocky since our little blowout but not as bad as they had been whereas things between Edward and I were great, though I wouldn't call us besties. If that bothered Alice at all, she had yet to make it known. Carlisle and I were also good, and Esme and I were good too, though there was an awkwardness on my end over her asking about my nonexistent mother. I had yet to approach Emmett and Rosalie, as badly as I wanted to, because Emmett was the one who seemed like he needed the most space, and I didn't want to fuck with his support system by going to Rosalie. I wouldn't push myself on them—that wouldn't be helping.
The rebuilding of the house was really taking shape. The demolition of the rest of the old house had gone vampire quick as had the picking through of our belongings and the hauling off of the rubble—I had rescued my trunk of weapons from the debris and stashed it in my trailer without any questions but my beautiful, hand-built computer was toast. The foundation had been laid and the walls of the first floor had been completed. We were moving on to the floors and interior stud work so we could tackle the plumbing and electrical. Soon, we would be able to move on to the structure of the second floor.
In other news, the group outing with Angela, Ben, and the wolves went very well. Surprisingly, Paul took just as great of an interest in Ben as he did in Angela, though he certainly didn't look at Ben like he hung the moon. Leah was on her best snarky behavior, so there was a lot of back and forth between us that Angela occasionally joined in on. While Paul did make a very gallant effort to get to know Ben, they were two very different people with only two mutual interests—Angela and video games. They spoke about their favorites for some time but that only lasted so long, and other than that, Ben kept to himself. Angela, on the other hand, seemed to click with Leah and Jacob pretty well, and she definitely clicked with Paul. They ended up only talking for a fraction of the time we were all together, but both were hyper-aware of each other—Paul desperate to get to know her but wanting to be respectful of her relationship, and Angela trying not to look at Paul looking at her so she didn't find any more reason to like it or feel guilty. I was beginning to think that maybe this whole "friends" thing between Angela and Paul could work if they were both careful.
None of that detracted from how sick I felt most of the time now though. It was a steady source of discomfort, a constant source of bewilderment—I didn't get sick. As much as I wanted to take it with a grain of salt, the fact of the matter was that I was a little worried because it was such an anomaly. I couldn't exactly go to the doctor, not even to Carlisle, so the only thing I could do was just breathe through it and hope it didn't get any worse. If it didn't go away, it would be fine because, given enough time, I would adjust, and this was nothing. My pain tolerance was naturally very high, made even higher by everything Project Apotheosis had done to me, and I would not allow something so minor to detract from my mission.
