A/N: Twilight does not belong to me. It belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I'm just playing with her characters. Jasper as the God of War and Peter just knowing shit are ideas that belong to Idreamofeddy.
Hey, guys! I am so sorry, again, for such a long time between posts. So many things happened to delay it. Between health problems, broken computers, and other things, work on this chapter was slower than usual.
I just want to thank my pre-readers/betas Juliangelus and Kayozm for their help in making this chapter as good as it could be. You are both invaluable to me.
Just a reminder about Edward's gift: he can hear thoughts as well as see any pictures they come with. He can also put thoughts in people's heads which means conversations can be had silently between him and others. He doesn't use it to manipulate people or mess with their minds because my Edward is a good person.
I hope you guys like week 3.
oOo
Week 3
Saturday, January 16th, 2081
BPOV
"Peter," I called, catching up to him as he made his way through the trees and to his and Charlotte's trailer.
"Punk," he acknowledged with a nod. "How are you?"
The only reason Peter or Charlotte ever came back was to check up on me and the family though they seemed to primarily focus on me—even when I was supposed to be sleeping they peeked inside my trailer to make sure I hadn't gone batshit crazy or whatever. I now had to pretend to sleep every night and the worrying thing was that I didn't even have to pretend three days out of seven when normally I could go weeks at a time without any sleep at all. Peter and Charlotte's persistent need to monitor me, not to mention Esme's hovering whenever Carlisle was at work, made it difficult for me to do my patrol routes, covertly watch my surveillance feeds on my phone, or perform any necessary maintenance on the cameras themselves if needed. I still managed the patrols and potential maintenance but I had to rush, and I didn't like it. However, I didn't want to know what they would do if they came back and I wasn't there. I sure as hell wasn't going to test them.
"I'm fine," I answered just like always, even if I was still struggling. The pain in my chest had now spread throughout my torso, nausea plagued me constantly, making it difficult to eat, and I was exhausted all the time, no matter how much sleep I got, but he didn't need to know that—it was none of his business. His time with Savannah was more important than him worrying about me.
Speaking of… "I want to see Savannah."
"No," Peter refused just like always.
I released a very controlled breath and held back all the childish curses I wanted to hurl at him.
"Peter…"
"No," he repeated.
"I'm not a child," I argued calmly. "It's not like I don't know what you're doing. I helped you put half the family back together. I can handle a little gore."
Peter gave me a look. "Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Besides, there's not much to see."
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before I responded. "I still want to see her."
"No," Peter refused again.
"Fine," I said grudgingly, refusing to show just how frustrated and irritated I was. I had just proclaimed that I wasn't a child and contradicting that claim would do nothing to change his mind. At this point, it didn't seem like anything would, but I wouldn't be discouraged and I wouldn't give up and part of that was keeping a cool head.
The thing was, I could always find Savannah on my own but that would raise the question of how I managed it because I would absolutely have to use my preternatural senses to do it. I wasn't willing to risk that at this point. Though I had been willing to out myself in order to help the Cullens if it was necessary, it no longer seemed like it would bring any good to an already fucked up situation. Everything was such a mess from Jasper willingly or not, revealing a side of himself that was unfamiliar to the family that sharing my own secrets now would, in no way, help. Therefore, finding Savannah without Peter leading me to her was not an option and I hadn't yet figured out a way to convince Peter to change his mind, but I would—it was only a matter of time.
oOo
Monday, January 18th, 2081
It was one of my days off from the diner. Peter and Charlotte had been off with Savannah since early this morning and it would be a couple of hours before one of them was due back, Edward and Alice were hunting, Carlisle was at work, and Esme had gone to Forks' only laundromat to wash the few items of clothing that had survived Jasper's rampage. Trying to picture Esme at a laundromat of all places was a comical endeavor; Alice hadn't bothered to go shopping to replace our wardrobes just yet. I was essentially alone with Rosalie and Emmett. They were outside working on clearing up some of the landscaping so that Esme would finally no longer have to look at the wreckage of her garden, and I was sitting in my trailer at the little table by the window—I didn't have a dead-on view of them but I could see them well enough.
Although my close proximity to them would make it more difficult than usual, I could have closed my hearing off so as not to overhear their conversation if I decided to—I just...decided not to. Was it an invasion of privacy? Yes. I wasn't exactly proud of it but they were the only ones in the family I had no clue about in regard to how they were doing in the aftermath of The Incident. I was worried about them, and I wanted to know how they were coping. It was also absolutely necessary for me to know what their stance on Jasper was.
As I was sitting by one of the windows that had a near-perfect view of the couple, it made it difficult not to watch the scene as it unfolded.
"Emmett," Rosalie said quietly. When there was no answer, her voice took on a frustrated quality. "Emmett!"
Emmett just looked at her, wordlessly.
"Babe, you can't keep going on like this," she said. "Talk to me…"
Emmett had yet to utter a single word since The Incident, at least not when I was around. I guess this proved he hadn't been speaking at all, and the world just wasn't right without his jovial voice cracking a joke or his infectious laughter. I missed my Emmett. As much as I empathized with Jasper, my heart went out to Emmett. He just hadn't been the same since that day.
"...talk to anyone," Rosalie was saying. "I don't care who. Just talk, even if it's just one word."
From what I could tell, Emmett studied her long and hard. "And say what exactly," he finally broke his silence.
"I don't know," Rose said. "I don't know what to say either, but we can't shut each other out."
"I'm not trying to shut you out," Emmett swore grimly. "That's the last thing I want, but I'm afraid if I start talking, I'm going to start yelling, and if I start yelling, I'm going to start screaming, and if I start screaming, then I'm never going to stop."
"If you need to yell and scream, then yell and scream," Rosalie encouraged. "Just don't bottle everything up."
"I see it, you know," he said, barely acknowledging her words. "Over and over again. The look on his face as he attacked. I can feel, even now, how his teeth felt in my skin, the burn of it, and how my body snapped into pieces in his hands, what it felt like to be nothing but a confused, hazy consciousness that barely understood anything because he took my head off. I can't stop seeing it, I can't stop feeling it, and then to know that he did it to you, that he did it to everybody and I could do nothing about it...it's all I'm going to see every time I look at him now, and I'm just so fucking angry with him. He was just so vicious and brutal, and I couldn't do shit about it. I couldn't protect you, and God, I'm just so confused and it just gets worse every time I relive that day in my head. And I was scared, Rose. I was absolutely terrified for you, of course, I was, but I haven't been properly scared for myself since I was turned. I have never felt such an all-encompassing helplessness before, and I'm just so angry. I'm angry all the time. Sometimes I want to kill him. I want to kill Jasper—my brother. I never thought I would ever even think it, let alone actually want to do it, but now it's the only thing I can think about sometimes."
Rosalie was frowning, hiding her shock, if she even felt any at all. I sure as hell did. "Savannah—"
"I don't want to hear about Savannah," Emmett growled. "She played her part and now she's paying for it, but what about Jasper? How's he going to pay for what he did to all of us? Who is going to punish him? And what about Bella? He tore us all apart and she gave him her support like what he did didn't even matter. She's supposed to be my little sister, and she stood at his side like what we went through because of him meant nothing—like I mean nothing to her at all."
Oh! Oh, fuck no!
How could Emmett ever think that? How could he ever doubt how much I cared? I didn't regret standing at Jasper's side but I sure as hell regretted this. This wasn't what was supposed to have happened at all. Was this how all of the Cullens felt? Like I didn't care about any of them? How on earth could I ever fix this? How could I make them understand that that wasn't true and still remain loyal to Jasper? Shit! Was that even possible?
What was I even still doing here? I had stayed to try to help the family recover but so far all my presence had done was make things worse, and if what Peter said was true and Jasper was coming back, he was in for a whole world of hurt when he did; I couldn't protect him from that as much as I might want to. So why was I still here? Jasper already had advocates in Peter and Charlotte. He didn't actually need me and neither did the others. Rosalie's next words brought me out of my self-recriminating yet sadly true thoughts.
"Emmett," Rosalie began cautiously. "We all felt his emotions that day…"
"So fucking what?" Emmett argued. "The guy was miserable to the point of making me ill, good for him that he feels sorry, but that doesn't change anything."
"No, it doesn't, but it helps everything make more sense," Rosalie said.
"Sure," Emmett muttered, "whatever, but that doesn't change anything either. He probably still would have done the same thing to all of us when he finally lost it, and he wouldn't have Savannah as an excuse. I knew there was a side of him we didn't know, but I never expected this! I have no fucking idea who he is now, and I can't figure that out when every other thought in my head is that day on repeat. He's just so different from who I thought he was. Nothing is the same, Rose. He's not the same and neither am I. We can't go back. We just can't."
Hearing Emmett, loving, accepting, caring, loyal Emmett, say that was the final nail in the coffin of any idea I'd had of coming clean about my origins. If not even Emmett could handle or accept being exposed to a side of Jasper he hadn't really understood until coming face-to-face with it, then he would never take my truth well. He wouldn't be able to forgive me for letting him think I was one thing when in actuality I was another entirely. If the Cullens couldn't accept Jasper, I didn't have a chance in hell of them ever accepting or forgiving me for keeping my true self from them. Jasper hadn't kept that side of himself hidden—the one he'd shown the day everything went to hell—the Cullens just hadn't understood what that part of him entailed.
I had just flat out lied. I could never tell them the truth now. When I left, I wanted them to have nothing but good memories of the time they spent with me, untainted by bitterness and anger. When I left, I still wanted them to care about me, even though I was gone. I had to continue to be the lie no matter what.
I couldn't listen anymore. I had to get out of here, so I grabbed my keys and hauled ass to my car, leaving as quickly as I could without raising suspicion. Emmett and Rosalie paid me no mind, as though I didn't even exist, and I wondered, after what I had done, if this would be the new normal from now on.
As I drove away, I couldn't help but look back at them. Emmett's face was twisted into an angry expression, so foreign on his handsome features. Rosalie looked neutral, and despite what I had heard of their conversation, nothing she said proved she didn't blame Jasper for what happened as well.
oOo
RPOV
Everything was a fucking mess. A goddamn shitty fucking mess. It had been since Savannah fucking Devane had set foot in Forks. Now it was just a bigger, sicker, more twisted one. Jasper was gone, Alice and Emmett were furious and obstinate, Esme was uncharacteristically quiet, Carlisle was his usual infuriating, compassionate self, Edward was remarkably zen considering, and Peter and Charlotte were so caught up in their revenge against Savannah that they only ever came back for an hour at a time but never together. When they did show up it was mostly to check on Bella, treating her as though she was more important than the rest of us which stung. It wasn't that they didn't check in with the rest of us, it was more that they devoted more of their attention to her...and then there was Bella herself. I had no idea what Bella's motivations were. She clearly had a sound allegiance to Jasper despite their history and was unapologetic in her defense of him, but there was something reticent about her that I couldn't figure out. She had started out trying to bridge the gap between herself and the rest of us but after her argument with Alice, Bella had backed off considerably, which was strange given how stubborn she was but Bella's stubbornness wasn't my concern because, in the end, she wasn't my priority. My mate was.
The problem was that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. After the shock wore off, I was angry, but not at Jasper, even though his were the hands that tore everyone apart. No, I felt for Jasper. I knew what it was like to have my choice taken away and his choices had been stripped from him for years in such a brutal way. Then one of the arbiters of that just showed up out of the blue and took his choice from him yet again. I didn't know much about the God of War even now—how he was made because a person didn't become that without being unmade and remade over and over again and I didn't want to know the details of how it was done or what it took to tip him over the edge—but Savannah did. She knew as much as there was to know about the God of War, save for maybe Peter and possibly the fabled Maria. No, Jasper was not at fault for this, and I would be very vocal about my support of him if not for how it would hurt Emmett. Even though it wasn't Jasper's fault, I still couldn't get the image of Emmett being torn apart out of my head. Surprisingly, I didn't care so much about myself being torn apart. It wasn't a pleasant experience by any means, but the pain was temporary and I had been through far worse. Charlotte had been tender when she put me back together, which was all I could have hoped for. There was some scarring from the ordeal, but for once, I didn't care. I was vain, it was true—I could certainly never deny that—but this was different. This whole situation was so much more important than me and my vanity; it seemed stupid to let something so superficial bother me when my whole family was suffering. My mate was suffering. My brother was suffering. It was time to put all the petty shit aside and show that there was more to me than my flaws. I had to be strong, someone who could be relied on.
Emmett was my mate and the instinctual urge to take revenge on the person who hurt him was beyond powerful, but I had a cool head about it for probably the first time in my life because I knew how tortured Jasper was over it. He was hurting badly. I had felt it that day and it was crippling both physically and emotionally. It had to have been wreaking havoc on his mental state too. I didn't know how he was even standing in the wake of all that pain, misery, guilt, panic, and all the other emotions swirling around us, so I figured that was enough retribution for what he'd done even though he didn't deserve retribution at all. Emmett's attitude towards the whole matter caught me off guard, and I hated seeing him like this—my jovial, good-natured, sweet mate was just gone. At first he had been numb, which I understood, but now he was this furious, resentful man I didn't recognize. I wasn't dumb, I knew he wasn't perfect and I would never judge him for it, but I never expected this. He hadn't been the same since he'd been put back together.
I had to fix this somehow. Emmett couldn't sustain this anger and resentment and, most of all, his hurt forever. I had to somehow bring him back. I had to soothe his hurt, dampen his anger, and eradicate his resentment. I had to bring my mate back, but I also had to convince him that Jasper wasn't the enemy when he was already so convinced that he was. Now was the time to finally speak up.
"Emmett," I entreated, "Jasper can't help his gift, and he couldn't control what happened to him in the Southern Wars. We can't even imagine what being at war is like," I informed him, brooking no argument. "We can't know what it's like to fight for your life."
"We do now," Emmett said quietly, and a little part of him, a very little part sounded uncertain. I had to nurture that as best I could.
"This wasn't the same," I insisted forcefully. "There's no real comparison between the two, and you know it. Deep down you know it."
"How do you know that?" Emmett wondered, still sounding the tiniest bit bitter.
"Because I know you," I told him confidently.
A facsimile of a smile tugged at his mouth for a split second at this.
"Babe, can you imagine what it must have taken to turn Jasper into what we saw, the person—the thing—who tore us apart? Can you imagine the suffering, the torture, and the manipulation it took to unmake him and then remake him into that? And can you even imagine what it must have taken to come back from that and rebuild himself into the man we've known for decades? The strength, the will, and the determination to never give up? You say you don't know him, but you do. The Jasper we've known and loved for a hundred years is the same. He never lied to us about who he was, we just couldn't understand. Now we have a better idea. This is just that other facet of him, and we can understand more of what he went through because now we've seen it for ourselves. Maybe not in a way that worked out great for all of us, but still, now we know. We should show compassion instead of anger and resentment because this was done to him as much as it was done to us, only he has to feel that trauma from both sides. We should try to accept him for every part of who he is. We shouldn't treat him like a monster or a stranger because he's not. He's just Jasper. Jasper who loves us because you know he does, and you love him too. Don't pretend like you don't."
Emmett sighed dejectedly, arms flopping to his sides and eyes downcast. "I can't pretend that," he responded. "I'm just so overwhelmed by all of it. It's jarring and discordant, and I want my brother back, the Jasper I know because I want to unknow everything I know about him now. I don't want to think about how he became that way or why because I just want to be angry. It's so much simpler just to be angry and to hurt without thinking of how he might be hurting too, even if I did feel it that day."
"But you did feel it, Emmett," I pushed. "You did feel it. Don't you think he's suffering enough without adding your anger and judgment on top of that? We're his family. We're supposed to love him unconditionally and without judgment. You should be angry but don't you think you should be angry for him instead of at him? Because there's someone here to rightfully blame for all of this. There's someone here to be rightfully angry at—for you, for me, for him, for all of us. Savannah is who you should be angry at, babe, not Jasper. Savannah and Maria."
Emmett paused to consider all of this, silent for quite some time, and I knew then that I had him. I had gotten through to him—he had never been a stubborn or obstinate man despite his current mindset, always open to changing his mind if someone just gave him the chance and a valid counter-argument. It meant he could be reasoned with, and he always, always listened to me. There were times when I was the only person he listened to, and my defense of Jasper made the worst, most tragic kind of sense. I waited as patiently as I could while he processed the truth of what I'd said and let it sink in, which for my mate would be for all eternity. After a very long time of deliberation, he looked up at me again, eyes intense, jaw clenched, and mouth set in a firm line. The expression on his face said it all—my Emmett was back!
"I'm not okay yet but I understand that being angry with Jasper isn't fair. It's not his fault and I'm sick and tired of blaming him for it. I really want my brother back. I want to be able to look him in the eye and show him I still love and respect him, and I want him to know that there aren't any hard feelings," he said, impassioned. "I'm not quite there, but I think that taking my frustrations out on the person wholly responsible will help with that. I need it."
I almost laughed. "Don't we all."
"Do you think Peter and Charlotte will let me have a go at Savannah just me and her?" he asked seriously.
"Won't know unless you ask," I replied just as seriously, "but I've got a feeling there's a line, and I don't know who would get to take their shot at her first."
"Doesn't matter," Emmett said. "Just as long as I get one."
oOo
Thursday, January 21st, 2081
EsPOV
Due to the house needing a complete rebuild, it seemed like a good time to stretch my architecture and interior design muscles and design an entirely new house for us—one that was not sullied by Savannah's presence and actions, one that didn't include the memory of Jasper ripping us all apart. We'd managed to do everything ourselves in the nearly three weeks since we'd begun rebuilding. Each one of us possessed at least one skill necessary to build a house without calling in professionals, and it was coming along really nicely.
I had instructed my family not to go about building it at vampire speed. We needed something to slow us down, make us truly think about what we were doing with our hands, how we were working together to make something we could call our own. I tried to frame it so that it was disguised as an activity to bring us together for closeness and bonding, doing my best to leave Jasper and his part in the need for a new house out of it. It was just a house, our house, and it would be made by our own hands, including Jasper's. I planned to leave his room unfinished so he could choose everything himself when he came home, if he came home. I so hoped he would.
The act of building the house ourselves brought out the creativity in Alice, whose design-brain rivaled even my own. It also seemed to resonate with Emmett, who so loved to work with his hands. Even Bella helped where she could, proving surprisingly adept at whatever task she was set.
For the first couple of weeks, our slower pace wasn't even to do with my instruction to work at human-speed. All of us were off, feeling woozy and sick for the first time since we'd been turned. Charlotte and Peter said that after a few feeds we would probably all be back to normal but that it could happen within one feed if we were to choose one of Carlisle's misappropriated bags of human blood. There was no way any of us would be comfortable with that, even if the treaty with the wolves allowed for it, and we were already on thin ice with them, especially with Jasper gone. It took at least half a dozen full feedings for me to return to normal—more than I typically fed in that span of time. I had no idea about the rest. It wasn't something any of us had decided to share with one another, though if I had to guess, it would have taken Emmett significantly more blood than I had needed because of his sheer size.
The family was fractured, broken in a way I never thought we would be. We weren't functioning as a unit. We were three mated pairs bound together by the thinnest of threads plus a human and a wild card couple who were pretty single-minded in their motivations at present. It was the opposite of the way things should be family-wise. It was totally understandable and pretty much went without saying that said mated pairs were keeping each other sane, sticking to each other like glue and trying to pretend there was nothing on this earth that could separate them again even though it had been made blatantly clear by recent circumstances that that wasn't true.
I would have been in the same frame of mind save for the fact that my mate had to make his appearances at the hospital to maintain our normal façade. It was agony to be without him. His first shift back I actually went with him, but I couldn't make a habit of that. It wouldn't be normal or accepted at the hospital, nor professional, even though I didn't care all that much what was normal, acceptable, or professional. I also had my children to think of—they needed my support, even though they didn't seem to want it, but they needed to know it was there regardless. I started to hover around Bella when she was home, not only to mother her in her own need, but as an anchor for myself. She was the only person who had survived that day seemingly intact. It was clear something had happened between her and Jasper that day and that it had spooked her, and as much as I wanted to ask about it and help her if she needed it, I didn't. It was just that she seemed the most steady out of all of us. I needed steady when I couldn't have Carlisle by my side, and Bella didn't seem to mind.
In those first two weeks, Jasper wasn't mentioned all too often by Rosalie, Emmett, or Alice, at least not within earshot of everyone, though I was sure he was discussed at length when they were alone. Edward was different in that he didn't really talk to Alice about Jasper but wouldn't hesitate to with anyone who didn't avoid it. When Jasper did come up it was always in hushed tones as if they were small children that believed if they uttered the boogeyman's name too loudly he would materialize out of thin air to terrorize them. Out of all of them, I was most worried about Emmett who was the most expressive out of us all. I hadn't heard him speak in all the time since Jasper left and rather than appearing afraid, angry or even accepting, as was the case with Edward, he looked like he felt nothing at all. I knew that couldn't possibly be true, and I worried about all the emotion that was lurking and churning beneath the surface. It would explode out of him one day, probably soon, and I didn't want to even contemplate what his state of mind might be after the fact. It could be that releasing all of that emotion would be a gateway to accepting what had happened and starting to move on, but that's not all it could lead to and anything else could spell even more trouble for him.
Unlike those four, Bella, Peter, Charlotte, and Carlisle didn't shy away from bringing Jasper up at all. They didn't necessarily speak about him to the others, knowing it was too soon for that, but he wasn't treated like they wanted to forget him and what happened. I had struggled myself until recently, less because I didn't want to talk about him and more because I just didn't know what to say. I listened when Carlisle mentioned him, of course, but didn't contribute to the conversation, and Carlisle was kind enough not to condemn me for it. It was different now. I had mostly come to terms with what happened even though I was still a little shaken, but now I was ready to move on and be there for Jasper in whatever way he needed. He was a part of this family no matter what and his place in it wasn't to be questioned despite recent events.
Bella, in particular, was like a slap in the face when it came to championing Jasper even if she had backed off some since her confrontation with Alice. It was curious considering her relationship with Jasper previously, but he was lucky to have her on his side. From my time with her and just what I knew of her as a person, it was obvious that she was really on everyone's side. She saw a rift in the family and she wanted to draw the gaping sides of it together and sew it closed. However, something in my gut told me that if she had to choose a side—us or him—it would be his, and that got me to thinking about a thing or two. I didn't know what she had done to keep the God of War from killing her before Peter got through to him and brought Jasper back, but she was still alive and apparently survived unhurt. The question then became, what was it about her that kept her alive? Was it because Jasper was in love with her? Were his emotions over that so strong that the sight of her stayed the God of War's hand until Peter could regain control over the situation? There were just so many questions.
But Bella wasn't here now. None of the others were either, aside from Carlisle...my love, my life, my mate.
"Hello, darling," he murmured, coming up behind me and sliding his arms around my waist. I leaned back against his firm, steadfast chest, and he tightened his arms to properly envelop me. "You seem troubled, dear. What's got you so lost in thought?"
I immediately sobered. "Our family is being tested."
"Yes," he agreed, just as sober. "But we will prevail."
"Will we?" I practically begged for a positive answer.
"Yes," Carlisle reassured me. "Emmett is struggling but he finally seems to be working through it instead of holding it all inside like he was. Rosalie isn't outwardly angry which is a good sign because when she's angry she never hides it, and her primary concern is Emmett, so now that he's coming around, she will be fine eventually. Alice is angry but she loves Jasper too much for it to linger and fester, and she's got Edward's wisdom to guide her. He struggles too but he understands. My guess is that he got a good look at what caused all of this, most likely from Savannah, and definitely from Jasper."
"But can't Savannah block Edward's gift?" I asked.
"Yes, but according to Peter, only if she cares to. I think she had other things on her mind leading up to what happened to make Jasper snap," Carlisle explained.
"And what about Jasper?" I asked in bewilderment. The Jasper I knew would never let anyone inside his head. "He has always been able to close his mind off to Edward. What makes you think he would allow it this time?"
Carlisle sighed, weary. "I have been turning it over and over in my mind trying to figure that out. My conclusion is that the God of War may not bother to go to the trouble of masking his thoughts or even know to try, and that Jasper may not have had the presence of mind during what triggered the God of War to keep his guard up."
The fact that Jasper had been unwell enough to drop his guard and let Edward in meant this whole thing was so much worse than bad; hellish seemed a more appropriate word considering. I couldn't even imagine how much he must have been suffering to expose such vulnerability when he tried so hard to protect himself from us—he no doubt thought he was protecting us from him but it went both ways. Even though I logically knew he'd suffered, I had never understood just how bad it had been until this whole nightmare with Savannah. So while it had hurt me to know that Jasper had suffered so much, not having a direct connection to his suffering had always made his past experiences hard for me to reconcile in a tangible way before now.
Tears welled in my eyes and I would have given anything to shed them in Jasper's name. I knew he wouldn't want me to cry for him but I felt like he deserved my heartache over what had happened to him, both with Savannah now and in the past, not to mention Maria. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him until he wouldn't let me anymore, even if it was only for a second. I wished I could take all of his pain into myself and wipe his history clean of violence, horror, and suffering...but I couldn't do that. All I could attempt to do was pick up the pieces and try to help him heal. I knew that Peter and Charlotte typically took this on, but I wanted to aid in it now that I understood a little better.
I felt a newfound respect for Peter and Charlotte's dedication as well as Jasper's strength and perseverance.
I nodded sadly at Carlisle's explanation—it made sense, but it killed me to know that even Jasper's thoughts had been violated because of that horrible woman.
"He won't be happy about Edward seeing and hearing," I responded.
"No, he won't," Carlisle agreed grimly.
"Where do you think he's gone?" I wondered aloud. I had been agonizing over it for a while now. I didn't want him to be alone. As happy as I was that Savannah was being dealt with, I wished Peter had gone with him.
"I don't know but Peter might," he replied.
Would he though? Did Jasper even know where he was going when he left? Would he have been back to himself enough at the time to decide on any one place? Would he keep Peter updated on his whereabouts? Bella, maybe? No, if Bella had heard from him she would have said so… wouldn't she?
Carlisle placed his hand on my face, stroking my cheek and I came out of my worry-induced spiral. "You're obsessing, darling," he murmured, and I sighed dejectedly. "If anyone would know, it would be Peter, but I wouldn't count on him revealing it. Besides, even if he did tell you, knowing where Jasper is would do you more harm than good."
"You're right," I admitted. "Knowing where he is would only make it that much harder not to go to him when it's not wanted."
Carlisle wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him, enveloping me in his arms again. "He'll come home when he's ready."
"But does he know he still has a home with us?" I wondered uncertainly.
Carlisle pressed a kiss to the crown of my head. "I'd like to think so. I hope he does," he said. "I don't think Peter and Charlotte would still be here if they thought he didn't. I'm sure they would tell him so even if we can't."
I snuggled my head more firmly against his chest and nodded, nose rubbing against his sternum. "How long do you think he'll be gone?"
"He'll come home when he's ready, dear," he repeated, matter-of-fact about it, as if he was certain. I envied him his surety.
I finally pulled away after a few minutes and looked him in the eye, daring to voice the other thoughts that had been plaguing me. "Why do you think the God of War spared Bella?"
"At first I wondered if maybe it was because she's human and that, on some level, he knew she wouldn't survive if he tore her apart as he had us…" he said thoughtfully.
"And now?" I questioned.
"Now I think it wasn't that at all," he continued, stopping without offering anything else. I couldn't tell if it was because he was reluctant to share what conclusions he might have come up with later on or if it was something else.
"What do you think?" I prompted.
He stayed silent for longer than I felt warranted. "I think...that Bella might be his mate."
I gasped, my hand going over my mouth in shock, mind whirling at the possibilities of what that could mean. I reviewed every bit of information I had gathered in the months since Bella arrived, all of her interactions with Jasper, and found that none of it led to anything conclusive...but that day—and every day since—was a different story. The God of War sparing her, the way she'd essentially chosen him over everyone else, the way she'd been standing up for him so loyally, fierce as a tigress whose cubs had been threatened...Carlisle could very well be right.
"That certainly would explain it," I said.
"Yes, it would," Carlisle agreed.
The whole idea of it made me a little queasy—with both excitement and dread. If Bella was Jasper's mate, it meant Jasper had a genuine shot at happiness. It also meant we had a chance at keeping her forever, which I wanted dearly. As for the dread... It wasn't that I didn't want Jasper to have a mate, of course I wanted him to have a love like that, but the timing was so horrible after everything with Savannah.
"What are you thinking, sweetheart?" he asked me after a while.
"I would be overjoyed if Bella is Jasper's mate, but at the same time, I have some concerns."
"Would you like to talk them out with me?"
"I think I'd better," I replied.
Carlisle nodded and waited patiently for me to collect my thoughts.
"I'm not sure this is a good thing," I said carefully.
His brow furrowed in deep thought. "You might be right," he eventually admitted, his tone sad.
"Really?" I asked, shocked that he might be thinking what I was thinking.
"Yes," he said. "Now I know why I think that, but we'll get to that in a minute. Why do you think this might not be a good thing?"
"Bella is just so young," I began.
"Rosalie wasn't much older when she found Emmett," Carlisle pointed out.
"I know," I conceded, "but seventeen isn't twenty. It might not be much older but that's still three years' difference to grow, develop, and mature."
"You sound as though you expect that Bella would be turned now," he responded. "I can assure you that won't be the case."
"How do you know?" I asked, not sure I really did want to know.
"Esme," he began carefully, as though I was fragile, "Bella told me she doesn't want to be a vampire."
"Oh." The stab of pain I felt at this news was excruciating, reminding me of the agony I felt at the loss of my child as a human. I had warned myself not to get too attached to her all those months ago, knowing how much it would hurt if I couldn't keep her, but I had failed in that the longer she stayed with us—my hope that she would stay for good had grown and intensified with every passing day. I loved Bella dearly, as I would my own, and to finally know for certain that I couldn't keep her forever hurt much more intensely than I could have prepared myself for, but maybe it wasn't as concrete as that. Maybe there could still be hope. "Surely it's possible that she could change her mind?"
Carlisle looked torn, and I could guess it was because he doubted that she would but still wanted to tell me what I wanted to hear. "I honestly don't know. I want to say yes, but she's very stubborn."
I chuckled at that. "Yes, she is, but if she truly is Jasper's mate, she would have a reason to more thoughtfully consider it. Falling in love changes a person's views on forever, even if they're only human. Knowing he's a vampire and that forever is an actual possibility, it would at least give her something more to think about."
"That is true," he agreed, "and I want her to change her mind just as much as you do. The possibility is definitely there, but when it comes down to it, it's between Bella and Jasper. We can't go meddling."
I smiled at him innocently. "Oh, absolutely. I would never."
My mate fought back a smile of his own.
I let out a wistful sigh as I found his gaze again. "I really hope she does change her mind," I said. "Jasper's been through so much… he deserves forever, not another tragedy. Bella deserves better too, and I can see it—the two of them together. They have so much potential. They could be so happy."
