To Forgive Oneself

Disclaimer: saying that they don't belong to me only makes me feel bad.

Reviews:

Sparrow's angel: the language was sindarion, and I have a dictionary of it.

Wadeva: you have my deepest sympathies for your loss. I was pulling on my own experiences with depression. Thanx for reviewing.

Viresse0: you shall get your wish shortly

The-Serious-Padfoot: thanx for the sweet review. It's the same with Legolas angst and me. I love him, but I just can't torture him enough!

Fire faerie: chomps down on cookies

Orligurl88: joins in screaming don't go to the dark side, Legolas!

Okay, I think that's everyone. I'm glad that this story is being well received. Now for the next installment in this unending drama.


Legolas stared up at the ceiling in despair. Three weeks ago, his attempted suicide had been discovered. Since then, Calanar and Belegnaur had not let him alone for one minute. They even slept in the healing wing with him. Though his wounds had healed, his ada insisted that he remain there, under a healers watchful eye at all times, for he did not believe that his child would take care of himself.

The prince hated all these people keeping tabs on him, day and night. He longed for privacy, for the freedom that came with your independence. He needed to be away from the spotlight to feel safe and protected. But King Thranduil still feared for Legolas' mental health. He would not believe his son when he told him that he was well and healthy. Yet the king's doubts had some credibility.

When not sliced, Legolas' wrists felt itchy and odd. The mental pain that had been blocked came back in full force. His only release was cutting himself, to give his mind something else to focus on. But for now, the prince was willing to ignore the urge. He had no desire to get caught again and risk a longer sentence in the hospital ward. Sighing, Legolas shifted, and that caused something near him to stir.

"Legolas?" Belegnaur's voice said. Legolas groaned.

"How do you fare?" the older elf asked with genuine concern.

"Fine," Legolas snapped, his control leaving him. "I am absolutely fine with being stuck in this bed having to stare at the same ceiling everyday. Oh yes, Belegnaur, I'm just peachy." His brother flinched, then recovered and said,

"Tithen men, don't. We just care about you."

"Then why do you always have to get into my business? Why can't you just leave me alone?!?!"

"Do you know how much your death would have hurt us?" Belegnaur exclaimed, "Did you even think of the effect it would have on your family? On me?" The haunted look in his brother's eyes forced Greenleaf to look away. He tried to come up with some way to make him understand his pain.

"It would have killed us," the older elf said brokenly, "Your death would have left a space in our hearts that could not have been mended. We have already lost nana. Do not part us from yourself as well."

"It was my fault nana died." Legolas said in anguish. Belegnaur looked shocked for a moment, then gathered his wits and pulled his youngest sibling into his embrace. With Belegnaur's arms around him, Legolas' barriers collapsed, and all his pain started flooding out it the form of mithril tears.

"Nana's death was not of your making. We all need someone to blame, and usually that person turns out to be ourselves. We could have gone with her, we could have made her stay, we could have done SOMETHING. But we need to realize that we did not kill her. You, Legolas, did not drive the arrow into her body. The only ones responsible for her demise are the Orcs, and they have already paid. It is time to let the pain go."

By the end of Belegnaur's speech, both brother's were in tears. Their mother was rarely mentioned, for it was a sore subject for the family. Her death still pained all of them, but it was getting easier to deal with the loneliness and pain. Legolas brought his head up to look at his oldest gwador with watery eyes.

"There was nothing you could have done. If you had gone with her, she would have seen you killed. She would have been unable to deal with the pain of that. She was saved that. Do not blame yourself for something that you could not have prevented." Belegnaur whispered. The youngest brother slowly nodded, his eyes showing understanding. But even if he understood in his head, it would take time for him to understand in his heart. The eldest Thranduilion tightened his embrace and they stayed that way for a while.


A/N: I am sooooo sorry!!! The plot bunnies abandoned me!!! Please r&r.

Elvish translations:

Nana: mother

gwador: brother