ya girl is back


"So ... after that coffee, we started making it a habit. The next time we got one, you paid, and then me, and soon we were stuck in an endless cycle of coffee-debt." Hiccup trailed off, seemingly lost in thoughts, chuckling softly.

Astrid waited for him to continue, patiently, carefully watching him. His green eyes looked very vibrant in contrast to the red shirt he was wearing today, she noticed. Her eyes wandered down to his mouth as he talked and she distractedly she wondered when he'd last shaved. The stubble did not make him less attractive, though, a treacherous little thought added.

"I'd like to think we were dating, then. I never actually had the courage to ask you out properly. Until you kissed me," he smiled. "It was supposed to be a goodnight kiss, until we remembered we were actually headed to the same room. Anyway. It was stupid, I was being dumb, but somehow that made you decide you wanted to kiss me, so - so you did."

"Was that your first kiss?" Astrid asked out of curiosity, only remembering the not so pleasant experience she'd had with some kid back in high school, whatshisname.

The man in front of her intertwined his fingers, his eyes flickering up to hers shortly.

"Yeah," he admitted then, softly. Suddenly he let out a curt chuckle. "God, I was shit at kissing. I still don't know what made you decide not only to continue kissing me but also marrying me."

His index finger and thumb were fiddling with the ring of paler skin at the base of his ring finger. Astrid's cheeks rushed with blood as she remembered she was still wearing his ring.

"Here."

With trembling fingers she fiddled with the wedding band and pulled it off - his hand shot out to hold her back. Fingers brushed. He lingered. Their eyes met.

Astrid could feel her skin boiling. Hiccup cleared his throat, still leaving his hand where it was.

"Could you ... keep it on, please? Just until you ..." remember me again, he wanted to say, but his voice did not let him. Instead, he shrugged and pulled his hand back, embarrassed. Astrid let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. "Alright." Her voice seemed distant, not hers.

Then again, who was she? Right now, she was the wife of a man she did not remember.

"How old am I?"

Right now, she was a woman with a body that didn't feel like hers at all, with a mind that felt like it was jet-lagged.

Right now, all she had was a life that would have to be reconstructed for her.

"Twenty-six. You're twenty-six, and, um, I, wasn't really being exact when I said that we've known each other for ten years yesterday," he admitted sheepishly. "It's been nine. I'm turning twenty-eight this Febuary."

She stayed silent. Twenty-six. Nine years, just erased like that. Her eyes flickered up to his again. "How long have we been ... married?"

This time, he smiled. "For two years. In five months, it'll be three."

"I see." Two years and five months that she didn't recognise as her own.

"Tell me - tell me something?" he asked, his voice hesitant.

Astrid nodded, awaiting his question. He started fiddling with his ring finger again. He opened his mouth but no sound came forth except a short noise that resembled a humorless chuckle.

Eventually he met her gaze, his eyes steady on hers.

"What do you remember?"

She paused, taken aback. Of all the things she had been expecting Hiccup to ask, this had not been it.

"Well," she started. Now that she had been asked, she didn't know anymore, really. "The last thing I remember is arriving at college, the bus had left very early. I remember feeling so proud of myself, after all the things that happened and I finally ended up where I wanted to be. Independent. Study somewhere, just not in my hometown. I was very tense before that and ... restless. Those feelings dropped immediately as soon as I set foot onto campus, as if only good things were waiting for me. I had sprained my ankle five weeks prior, so I was still recovering - not on crutches, but I had to sit down a lot. Then I just went into the building, I think. And that's where it sort of just ... stops." She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders, looking back up at Hicccup. His emerald eyes looked very warm and very, very tired.

"I met you on that day, maybe twenty minutes later," he said softly, smiling almost as if in a haze. "I'd like to think those were the best four years of my life up until that point."

When Astrid woke up, Hiccup was snoring lightly. Groaning she sat up and groggily reached for the glass of water on her bedside table, hungrily gulping down the stale liquid.

For a while she sat there, motionless, staring at her hands. On her right hand the wedding rings gleamed in the golden morning sunlight. The clock to her left told her it was only 7 am.

Her eyes fell to her right. Sunlight poured itself on a tousled mop of auburn hair in stark contrast with the crisp white mattress. He was snoring, his face hidden in the crook of his elbow, resting on the edge of her bed.

Astrid felt strange watching him sleep. Part of her felt like invading his privacy, the other thought how peaceful he looked like this. She almost would have brushed a stray strand of hair out of his eyes. Almost. She pulled back and closed her eyes, leaning against the pillows.

How am I feeling?

She didn't know. Checking in with herself seemed impossible. How could she, when the woman she was now was as distant to her as the memory of the man sleeping soundfully next to her? She had got snippets of herself from him yesterday, at best. There was still so much left to take in and process and accept and remember. Her gaze fell back onto his sleeping face.

She was lucky, she mused, as she took in his sharp jawline and freckled skin and the messy, auburn hair. He really was attractive. Her ... husband. The word itself still seemed like a lot to take in. The more she thought about it though, the luckier she considered herself.

From what she knew so far was that he had callouses all over his hands from work and baskettball playing and that his hands were very gentle. The only thing she had seen him touch so far except his own hands while fiddling, was her and his hands had been careful. She thought about how someone could be so careful while touching another person.

And his eyes ... she didn't know why, but they made her feel ... uncomfortable at times. His gaze had been so intense, so burning on her skin that it seemed as though he was trying to edge her into his memory detail after detail, mapping out every inch of her. Then again, he had looked at her with so much warmth and care that she thought surely it must be impossible to be loved this much.

But she was. And he had almost told her, yesterday in the slip of a tongue. Yet, he was still a stranger. Astrid did not really know this man, no matter how much he loved her. But she wished, almost longed, to be able to love him back ... again.

Sudden anger bubbled up inside of her. Anger at herself and cars and drivers - a hit and run, they'd said. How dare you, she imagined herself yell, how dare you rob me of my life?

Because she only felt betrayed and robbed of a love she wasn't able to reciprocate and a life that had nine jarring years cut out of it.

Beside her Hiccup stirred and groaned softly.

The anger did not subside; in contrary, it seemed to only grow at the thought of the fact that she could just be in bed, next to her husband and watch him wake up. Happily. Injury-free. Without a throbbing head and an aching leg she was on painkillers for and a wrist she couldn't even bend. With a head and a body that were still hers.

She wanted to scream, cry, punch something, find the person who had done this to her, but all she could do was lay there in the morning light that continued to drip onto her bed without any hurry.

Hiccup's eyes fluttered open. At the sight of his wife, is lips curved into a warm smile. "Morning." he mumbled, lazily dragging his free arm across the mattress and draping it around her waist. Astrid froze cold in der tracks, shivers running down her spine at his touch.

His arm felt heavy and warm and familiar, and what was that feeling?

"Oh - oh God, I'm sorry!" Hiccup darted up, yanking his arm away from her. Astrid blinked. The moment was gone.

"Sorry." he repeated, apologetically searching her gaze. Still completely dumbfounded, Astrid's mind was scrambling to keep up with that moment, that thought she'd just had.

"Astrid?"

"Do that again." she stated flatly. This time, he blinked.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Could you please do that again?" the young woman repeated, this time clearer and whilst meeting his eyes.

Hiccup seemed to understand, swallowed and quickly put his arm back around her waist.

Astrid closed her eyes, trying to focus on the weight around her and the warmth of his arm and the sunlight -

- sunlight was dripping onto washed out reddish bedsheets - the auburn of someone's hair seemed to be melting into the fabric - an arm draped around her waist, pulling her close - warm breath against her skin - a nose nuzzling into the crook of her neck - lips pressing a kiss on her collarbone -

Astrid gasped, opening her eyes. Hiccup's arm left her side abruptly, his voice frantic.

"What's wrong? Astrid? Should I call-"

"I think I - I just remembered something." she said, still stunned. The young man stopped in his tracks.

"You did?"

Astrid nodded, still trying to keep the memory in place.

"I think we're laying in bed. Somewhere with a red duvet. It's warm and," she felt heat crawl up her skin. "You have your arm around me, pulling me close. You're hiding your face in my - my neck and - you're kissing my collarbone." Her face was burning.

And yet she found him stare at her in awe, his eyes soft and full of hope and wonder.

"I-" he started, then seemed to change his mind and nodded.

"Do you know when that could have been?" Astrid asked, now set on determining it as something. A specific memory with a specific day or month, year, anything. She was disappointed.

"Well, that could have been any day since basically five years ago. Since we moved in together. I also do that a lot - pull- pull you closer, I mean. In the morning. I'm trying to keep you from getting up," he blushed and cleared his throat. "I'll have to check on the bedsheets though. We have a regular changing schedule."

A bedsheet changing schedule. Astrid slumped back, feeling defeated.

Still, she thought, it's a beginning.

"Do you want breakfast?" she heard him say. And after breakfast, she'd ask him to see the schedule, she thought.


"I want to go home with him."

Matthew Emrys stopped, halfway out the door. He turned back to the woman sitting on the edge of her bed, her legs dangling off the side. Freya had asked her to get ready for a shower five minutes ago after she had finally gotten her new plaster cast fitted and the splint removed from her wrist. Astrid looked at him now, her gaze steady and determined.

"Are you sure?" he asked as if speaking to himself.

"When can I be discharged?" was the only answer he got. Matthew blinked, taken aback slightly. Astrid, he wanted to say, you can't even shower alone. And not even three days ago you were kicking and screaming at Hiccup to leave your room, do you really think you'll let him help you shower? And you're asking to go home with him? And then he thought, well, it is still her home, too.

Instead, he said, "I'll see what we can do."

"Is that a yes?"

He paused. "That's a 'we need to be sure you're both able to deal with your injuries at home.'"

"I see." She looked down at her pale hands that were still peppered with small bruises, and the doctor saw the gleam of their wedding bands on her finger, absentmindeldy remembering Hiccup and his helpless "She's my wife, Matt" yesterday.

"Doctor?"

Astrid's voice shook him out of his thoughts and he mentally collected himself, smiling at her quizically. The young woman almost looked nervous. "How long have we know each other?"

Ah. That was not what he had expected. Matthew stopped for a moment, then he closed the door behind him, strode through the room and sat down on the chair next to her bed. Sighing, he stripped off his coat and laid it on the side of the chair. From Doctor Emrys to Matt in a matter of seconds. He looked up, face to face with one of his best friends who only knew him as her doctor. Matthew knew it was not her fault and that he should remain professional. Should.

"Astrid," he sighed and wondered where he should start. Did 'you're one of my best friends and like a relative to me at times' cut it?

"First of all, I want you to know that this is not your fault."

"I know it's not," she answered, almost matter-of-factly. "It was a hit and run. How was that my fault?"

He shook his head. "No, no. I mean, it's not your fault that you don't remember."

That set off a different reaction; her eyes watered.

"I'm so angry," she whispered, her voice thick with tears and frustration. Matt just stared at her. "I don't even know who I am anymore, all I got was a tiny, tiny snipped of the past nine years I've been ... living here and working and living with him, and I can't even remember my own husband, I don't - I can't get it back, I ..." she broke off, sobbing into her hands.

Matt let her cry herself out, then got up and reached for a box of hankerchiefs near the windown, and waited for her to calm down. Smiling softly, he handed it to her.

"Would you believe me if I said that this is the second time I've seen you cry in four years?" he asked in hushed tones. She met his gaze, confused.

Matthew leaned back. "Not even on your wedding day," he mused. "Hiccup is one of my oldest friends. We've known each other since high school but went to different colleges. We met again in our local basketball team, five years or so after graduation. To answer your question, we have known each other for roughly four years now. I met you at the christmas party of our team. I was still in medical school and was somehow still crazy enough to come play basketball every tuesday. And he kept telling me about this ... girlfriend of his, I thought he was lying!" He laughed softly.

But Astrid felt something like burning jelly trickle down her throat to her chest. A girlfriend? Had Hiccup not said she had been his first kiss? Had he started dating someone else and didn't tell her?

"Until," the doctor continued. "That christmas party where he introduced you as his girlfriend. And believe me, I was shocked."

And as soon as that burning feeling had come, it was gone again. Astrid blinked. Of course, she thought, embarrassed at her own falsely drawn conclusion. That was me. God. Had she been jealous? At herself?

Matthew's voice swam back to her ears.

"- that he managed to fall in love as hopelessly as he did, when he said he wanted to concentrate on his studies. Or I was just shocked at how someone like him was able to get together with someone like you." She did not notice his change in words at that last sentence, nor the twinkle in his eyes.

"I think he's really attractive. And sweet. And gentle. And ... considerate." The words had left Astrid's mouth before she could even think about it. Her hands flew to her lips in shock. Dr Emrys just laughed heartily. Astrid's skin was burning. It had been a test. Did she really just say that?

"Anways," he continued then, back to his normal speaking noise but still with a faint smile on his lips. "We met again on New Year's Eve. You threw a party at your old shared flat. That was a really good party, by the way, I think I never got to say that," he added with a grin. "So there I am, it's fifteen minutes 'til midnight and I had promised to come after class. I was currently studying for my upcoming finals, and it was hell, believe me, I stayed way past past hours but still, a promise is a promise. Anyways, so there I am, in your already cramped flat, cramping it up even more. Suddenly Hiccup's pulling me off to the side and I can tell he's already too drunk for his own good, but I have never heard him as sober and decisive in my entire life and in that moment when he looked at me and said, 'Matt,' he said. 'I'm gonna marry her!'

'What, right now?' I asked, still tired and running only on caffeine and ramen. 'With all those people here?' We were barely five people, I should add. That party was basically just you, Hiccup, and two other friends of yours. Still, I knew - he had made sure to tell me while sober - about his plans to ask you. And that ... that had not been his plan. He had also asked me to keep him from doing anything stupid and hold him back should he try and not follow his own plan. So," he said. "Being the fiercely loyal friend I am, I did the only right thing I do: I threw myself at him. Turns out, he's still not too drunk to try and get back up again and his mouth is still working. So now we're lying on the floor, him yelling 'I need to do it!' and me just furiously shouting back 'No' and I think a lot of photos were taken that night. Now you might think I'm a lunatic for throwing myself at my friend to keep him from proposing to you -" he paused. "Actually, you know what, saying it out loud actually does make me sound a bit crazy, I admit."

Astrid laughed but said nothing, silently inviting him to continue. Matthew cleared his throat.

"But he was really adamant about asking you alone. He had told me how important it was for him to propose when you were alone together because he didn't want to put you on a spot and make you uncomfortable. So I had to do it. That's basically my duty as a friend. I should probably also mention that you had been watching the scene the entire time and the only thing you could think of was 'god, I love him'. But I'm not judging." He grinned. Astrid didn't know how to feel. She didn't know what it felt like - to love someone so much that it was just something she said, just something she had to say because she was so utterly in love.

"So, that night, he ... did not propose to you. And I think that's also not my story to tell. Anways, it was almost two a.m. I think, when the others were starting to leave and Hiccup was seeing them off. We stayed back and began cleaning up and suddenly you looked at me and just said 'I'm gonna marry that man', so sincerely and surprised I almost started laughing. And, well, seven months later you actually did marry him. Another story I am not the right person for."

A sudden knock at the door.

Freya returned with fresh towels, a robe and a wheelchair. Her smile widened as soon as she saw Dr Emrys and she stood in the middle of the room, blushing.

To Astrid's surprise, Matthew quickly put his coat back on and stumbled over his own words. "Freya, I - yes. Shower. Of course. Not - you, I mean, Astrid. Yes. I'll ... leave you two ... alone then. See you around."

Freya nodded, biting her lip to hide her grin as he scrambled past her. The door shut with a soft click. The nurse helped Astrid stand up and sit down in the wheelchair; getting her clothes off was a combined effort. The entire time, Freya still had the ghost of a smile lingering on her lips - Astrid decided not to ask her about it, in fear of making the nurse uncomfortable, and second, because she was so busy being in pain that the thought of Matthew not once stumbling over his own words the entire time they had talked did not cross her mind a second time.


Hiccup returned that afternoon with fresh clothes and a cat. Freya could not believe her eyes when she bumped into him on her way out of Astrid's room and saw him open up his coat and let her catch a glimpse of the jet-black cat cuddled up against his chest.

The nurse gasped and quickly pushed him near a corner, away from curious eyes. "You do know animals aren't allowed in here, do you?" she hissed and tried shielding the young man's bulky coat with her slender frame from curious eyes.

Hiccup grinned and replied breezily, "I've always considered him our child."

She did not get the joke. So he added quickly, "Don't worry, I bathed him in disinfectant before we got here."

"I can't even begin to tell you how many rules you're breaking with this one, Henry," she sighed. "But I'm going to let you get through with this."

"And I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am for not reporting this, Freya." Hiccup said, in a tone that suggested that he had been entirely sure that she would never have done such a thing. "She just finished her shower" Freya informed him instead.


With the third knock this day, Astrid somehow knew that it was Hiccup. "Come in" she said and the door opened.

"Am I too late?" he asked, rushing to her side. Astrid looked up at him, confused.

"Late for what?"

"Your shower," he replied matter-of-factly, then registered what he'd just said and immediately started to ramble. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like - I just, I got you some fresh clothes, since I figured, maybe you'd like to have something of your own clothes, and uh, I also brought this old sweater of mine you like to wear around the house or when - when I'm not there, I'm just gonna stop talking now." He was beet-red.

Astrid looked at him. Then at the big bag on the chair. Oh. "Thanks," she smiled. "I'll change later. The clothes Freya got me are a bit scratchy." The word 'scratchy' seemed to remind Hiccup of something - his hand flew up to his forehead as if he had forgot something.

"Oh, I - I also brought someone with me who's very excited to see you! Aren't you, Toothless?"

Toothless...? Before she knew it, a black bolt of lightning had jumped onto the bed and started climbing over her thighs, meowing and purring loudly, rubbing against Astrid's hands as she started stroking him.

Hiccup watched her face lit up and felt as though he might burst with either excitement or love. His wife laughed and buried her face in their cat's soft fur.

Then, suddenly, she said, very softly and quietly, "Oh, I remember this. This feels good."

"You do?" Hiccup crouched down next to them, joy blossoming inside his chest.

Astrid laughed again. "I do. My big old furball - yes, that's you, oh god, why do I remember our cat and not everything else?"

"Our."

"What?" Astrid looked up from the cat. Hiccup was only inches away from her. On his face he had the most open and surprised expression Astrid had ever seen.

"You said ... 'our'." he repeated, mouth agape, staring at her.

"Well ..." she felt something inside her jump. "of course, I mean, we're ... married and ... and Toothless is our cat, isn't he?"

Hiccup slumped back against her bed, too overwhelmed to say anything other than "You said our" his hands in his hair, laughter of relief erupting out of his lungs.

"Hiccup" Astrid said softly, after a while. He turned to her, smiling widely.

"Yes?"

"I've been thinking," she started, then broke off and looked down on Toothless who had curled up in her lap, fast asleep now. "I want to go back. Home. With you."

Home. It tasted strange on her tongue and sounded even stranger with her voice, Astrid thought. For as long as she could remember, that word did not have any importance nor meaning attached to it. And she saw only now, in this moment, their cat in her arms, looking at the man the woman she did not remember had married three years ago, that she wanted it to. She wanted home to have a meaning. She wanted to remember the meaning.

Because, right now, she was sure that she had found it about nine years ago.


back and better than before