Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU. It belongs to a genius named Dick Wolf. No profit is being made from this story.
Elliot sat beside Olivia in the courtroom and tried to control his breathing. She glanced at his tight face, and looked down to see his hands shaking in his lap. She gently took one of his hands in hers and gripped it firmly.
It had been two months since the day they had arrested Elliot's kidnapper. The Special Victims Unit was trying their best to regain a sense of normalcy, but the glaringly empty desk beside Munch and Fin's reminded them every day of how their efforts were falling flat.
Elliot's nightmares hadn't eased at all, and Olivia was starting to get seriously worried. The sedatives the doctor gave him seemed to have the opposite effect on him- he would sit up at night, wide-awake, too afraid to relax. When he finally did succumb to exhaustion early in the morning, he got about thirty minutes of rest before being awakened by a nightmare. Then the cycle would start all over again.
She had called the captain two days later and told him that she was taking a temporary leave of absence for an indefinite period. Elliot would be staying with her for the time being, and she was looking into some psychologists for him.
Two weeks later, she had finally found one that he was comfortable with. Dr. Amelia Bernard had an office in Rochester and specialized in post-traumatic stress disorder. It was a bit of a drive, but Olivia didn't mind. He met with her the next day, and they worked out a plan for him to come in three times a week.
It was rough. Elliot felt like he couldn't go on living with the horrible memories, and it broke Olivia's heart to see him so defeated. He cried a lot, and wouldn't eat until Dr. Bernard told him that he would have to have a feeding tube inserted if he kept refusing. Olivia was scared that he might become suicidal.
She finally mentioned this to Dr. Bernard, who told her that although it was painful to see, Elliot's reactions were common. The anti-depressants Dr. Adams had given him didn't seem to be helping, so she prescribed a stronger brand. The main thing she kept stressing to Olivia was not to give up. Elliot had to hit bottom before he could start to make his way back, and it wouldn't be an easy fix.
The only thing that was getting better was Elliot's injuries. He visited the physical therapist weekly, and was slowly starting to regain the use of his arms. Olivia fervently hoped that it would help raise his spirits.
Meanwhile, the precinct was forced to get back to work. It didn't mean that they cared any less, but they still had a job to do. Cragen brought in two lower class detectives to team up with Munch and Fin. It was awkward, to say the least, but unavoidable.
A month after Olivia had taken leave, Arthur Branch paid a visit to the captain. That was highly unusual, and Don couldn't hide his surprise as he invited him into his office. By the look on his face, he hadn't come for a social visit.
"Have a seat," Cragen invited.
"Thank you," he said. He leaned forward and got straight to the point. "Don…I got the grand jury to accept the trial. They set the date for a week from tomorrow."
The captain's eyes lit up. "Arthur, I can't thank you enough. God…that is so excellent!" He noticed, though, that the man sitting in front of him didn't look very happy. "That is good news…isn't it?" he asked slowly.
Branch sighed. "The evidence that we got from Munch is only admissible with victim's testimony," he said heavily.
It took a minute for his words to sink in. "That….that isn't going to happen," Don said matter-of-factly. He scoffed in disbelief at the mere suggestion. "Arthur…Elliot isn't going near that man again."
"I've tried appealing to the judge," Branch said helplessly. "There isn't-"
"Forget it." Cragen's voice had turned hard, and he stared firmly at the District Attorney. "I won't make him testify."
"Then you may as well set the guy free, Don!" Branch exploded, leaping up from his chair. He paced to the window and back quickly, his face red. "This guy has been wanted for over thirty years," he snapped. "The only way he can get convicted is with an account of what he did. Stabler is the only victim who survived, and he is the only one who can tell us that!"
Cragen glared at him silently, and Branch glared back. The challenge lasted a minute before Branch sighed and shook his head. He fell back into the chair with a weary sigh. "Look, I'm not happy about this either,' he said. His voice was now defeated. "Don, I know Elliot. Believe me…if there was a way around this, I would do anything to make it happen. But I can't find one."
The captain sighed and scrubbed his eyes. "Alright, Arthur," he said quietly. "I'll take care of it…somehow."
Olivia was outraged when Cragen showed up at her apartment early the next morning and broke the news.
"No….no way!" she shouted immediately. She quickly remembered that Elliot was still asleep, and glanced briefly toward the hallway before lowering her voice.
"Olivia, there isn't anything we can do about it," Cragen said quietly. "If he doesn't testify, this guy will walk!"
She looked at him in desperation, but didn't say anything. Cragen watched her sigh and take a few steps away from him, running her hands through her hair in frustration.
Finally, she came back up to him. "How am I supposed to tell him?" she whispered, her voice anguished. "How, Captain? He's finally starting to be convinced that this guy is in jail and can't come back…how am I supposed to tell him that he has to sit twenty feet away from him in an open courtroom?"
"You won't."
She looked at him in surprise and confusion. He looked her squarely in the eye.
"We're a team…we stick together," he said. "I'm going to bring Munch and Fin over here and we're all going to tell him together. He needs to know that we have his back….we'll always have his back."
Olivia sighed shakily and nodded unhappily. "Come by this evening," she said softly. "He'll be at the doctor until 4:30."
"What do you mean he has to testify?"
When Cragen told Munch and Fin the news, they didn't take it any better. Their protective instincts kicked into overdrive.
"That bastard," Munch swore. "Branch could have gotten an appeal…bastard's done it before!"
"This isn't Arthur Branch's fault," Cragen said firmly. "There wasn't anything he could do."
Fin was watching his partner warily. The man was absolutely livid.
"Well, then, how come you didn't do something?" Munch carried on. "What…..you've gotten used to having half our team gone?"
He realized he'd crossed the line when he saw Don's face turn stormy.
"That's enough, John," he growled with clenched teeth. He got up into his face. "I'm not happy about it either, but playing the blame game won't solve anything!"
The two men stared at each other, breathing hard in anger.
"We need to focus on Elliot," Don said finally. "No matter what happens…he needs us in his corner." He paused. "I told Olivia we would come by tonight to break the news to him."
John took off his glasses and wiped wearily at his eyes as he nodded.
Olivia and Elliot were sitting on the couch watching Jeopardy that evening when a knock sounded at the door. He looked surprised when she switched off the TV and stood up slowly. Getting to his feet, he followed her into the foyer.
"Hey, you guys," Olivia said quietly, letting the three of them in.
Elliot looked surprised, but pleased, to see them. "Hi," he said brightly. "It's good to see you guys."
Olivia looked pained, and they realized that she hadn't told him. Cragen forced a smile. "It's good to see you too, Elliot," he said softly.
Silence fell as the five of them stood awkwardly in the foyer. Finally, Olivia broke it. "Come in to the living room," she said, turning around. "You guys want a drink?"
They declined. Cragen sat down in an armchair, Fin on the footrest, and Munch sat on the couch with Elliot and Olivia.
More silence. Olivia, Cragen, Fin, and Munch took turns discreetly glancing at each other and urging the others with their eyes to say something. After a minute, Elliot caught on to what they were doing and became uneasy.
"What's going on here, you guys?" he asked, looking at Olivia. She wouldn't meet his eyes. He turned his gaze from Cragen to Munch to Fin and back again in confusion.
Don finally spoke. "Elliot," he began cautiously. "We…um….we have to tell you something."
The others looked at him, relieved that the captain had taken the helm.
Elliot stared at him. Don suddenly recognized the familiar intensity in his blue eyes that had become second nature. "It's about the trial, isn't it?" He made it a statement rather than a question.
The four of them couldn't mask their surprise. They watched Elliot's face turn angry as he looked at all of them in turn. "I'm still a cop, you know," he snapped bitterly. "I'm not stupid."
No one spoke, and Elliot couldn't hold his angry gaze. He sighed and looked down. When he looked back up, his face was pained. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't mean to snap."
"The grand jury set a trial date for next week," Fin spoke up, his voice uncharacteristically soft. "The evidence was turned over to the D.A. already."
Now Elliot was genuinely confused. He looked at Olivia in question. "What evidence?"
Munch broke in before she could answer. "I went back to your…" He trailed off, unsure of how to say it in front of Elliot. "To the…uh…"
To his relief, Elliot understood what he was saying and nodded. "I gathered up everything I could find to use as evidence and took pictures," he concluded softly.
Olivia saw the haunted look come back into her partner's eyes. "Like what?" he asked quietly.
She bit her lip and answered him. "Photographs, newspaper clippings….things like that."
He swallowed hard. "Did you get the binder?" His voice had become painfully quiet.
The others looked confused. John nodded gravely, surprising them. "Yeah."
"What are you talking about?" Cragen asked in bewilderment. He hadn't seen anything like that. "What binder?"
Olivia's breath caught when she saw Elliot's chin start to slightly quiver. He bit his lip, his eyes slowly tearing. "He wrote out…." His voice choked and he had to try again. "He wrote out o-obituaries," he said shakily. "For all of his victims before…before he killed them and put them in a white three-ring binder."
His eyes screwed shut and he had to lower his head. "He wrote one for me."
Cragen, Fin, and Olivia were shocked. Munch looked sickened as he said, "I didn't show it to you guys. It's in the trunk of my car." He shook his head. "There are at least a hundred pages in there."
Elliot was hunched over, his head still bowed. Olivia placed a gentle hand on his back and rubbed gently, not speaking.
Cragen closed his eyes and shook his head. "Elliot…."
The others looked at him in surprise when they heard the emotion in his voice, and saw his tear-filled eyes.
"Elliot," he choked out again. "I told the D.A. that I would get you to testify at the trial. They said we wouldn't have a case without it…" He trailed off, and then the tears freed themselves. "But I didn't know about this. I'm sorry. I didn't know."
They watched in shock as their boss began sobbing. "I won't put you through that," he whispered painfully. Elliot looked at him, his face slowly streaming tears as well. "I'm so sorry…I won't put you through that."
Don took a shaky breath and tried to get control. His plan was falling apart.
"If…if I don't testify…" Elliot started to shake. "He'll go free, won't he?" He looked to Olivia with a scared look on his face.
She looked briefly at the torn expressions on her friends' faces. "Don't you worry about it," she said softly. She folded him into a hug. "We'll think of something."
She sighed hopelessly and met the captain's anguished eyes over Elliot's head. "We'll think of something," she repeated softly.
Olivia hadn't been able to follow through on her promise. They were told in no uncertain terms that if Elliot wasn't on the witness stand the day of the trial, they were going to throw out the case. It went over the captain's head to the commissioner, and there wasn't a thing any of them could do about it.
Olivia helplessly as Elliot spiraled down again. He started withdrawing himself from Dr. Bernard, and his appetite slacked off. The depression started to get so bad that he started to wall himself away from her. He would often shut himself in her bedroom for hours at a time, and begged her not to go near him.
It all built up and came to a head a week later. Olivia had just gotten out of the shower and went into the kitchen to make some hot tea.
"Elliot?" she called.
He wasn't in the living room where she had left him. When she turned to go back into the kitchen, she suddenly noticed that the hall closet door was open. A funny feeling rose in the pit of her stomach, and she quickly walked toward it.
A gut feeling made her stretch on her tiptoes to view the wooden shelf at the top, and she prayed that it was just her nerves getting the better of her. Dizziness ambushed her at an alarming rate when she was able to see. The lockbox where she stored her service piece and badge was open. The gun was gone.
Olivia took off down the hall, screaming Elliot's name. The closed bedroom door made her feel sick. Coming up to it, she gripped the knob and panicked when she found it locked. He had never locked the door before. She began beating on it.
"Elliot!" she cried hysterically. "Oh God, Elliot…please, baby…." Her voice started to break. "Open the door. Please open the door for me." She put her ear to the door and listened anxiously.
"Go away, Olivia." His voice was deadly calm on the other side, and it scared the hell out of her. "Just go away."
"Open the door!" she begged. In frenzy, she began kicking and beating at the wood. "God damn you…." She suddenly fell to the ground in tears and sobbed. "God damn you!"
She could hear him crying on the other side. Getting shakily to her feet, she turned and made a dash for the kitchen. Picking up the phone, she pressed the first button that her shaking finger landed on, not even looking to see whose it was.
John was turning out his bedroom light when his cell phone rang. He pushed aside his covers and sat up. "Hello," he answered sleepily.
Olivia's hysterical voice woke him up fast. "Whoa, whoa…" He reached for his glasses quickly. "Olivia…." Her words made him sick to his stomach, and he froze momentarily. "Hang on," he said, slipping on his jeans quickly. "I'll be there in ten minutes."
He made it in less than five. Pounding up the stairs, he pulled out the key that she had given him years ago and let himself in. "Liv!" he yelled, running through the foyer.
She came dashing in from the hallway, sobbing. He gripped her shoulders to still her frantic movements. "Where is he?"
"In my room," she cried. "Oh god, John…he won't open the door!"
"Alright, Olivia," he said, trying to calm her down. "Just relax. I'm going to see if I can get him to let me in."
She looked at him with a look of fear that he had never seen.
"Listen to me," he continued, still gripping her shoulders. "I want you to go find something that I can use to jimmy the lock." He looked at her steadily. "Do you understand?"
She nodded quickly.
John walked to the bedroom door and knocked lightly.
"Go away, Olivia!" Elliot cried.
"Elliot," Munch called. "It's John."
"Leave, John…" His friend's voice was distraught and broken. "Please…please just leave me alone."
"John." The harsh whisper alerted him of Olivia's return. She was holding out a small screwdriver. He took it from her and bent down in front of the door, sliding it into the keyhole while he continued to talk to Elliot.
"Hey….hey, buddy," he said, keeping his eyes on his task. "Talk to me. Just talk to me…tell me what's going on."
Olivia was standing beside John, and her breath caught when Elliot didn't respond. She looked at Munch with wide eyes.
"Elliot," John said, trying to keep his voice calm. "Can you hear me, Elliot?"
Still nothing. The door unlocked with a soft click and he stood up, slowly opening it. He gestured for Olivia to stay put as he stepped gingerly inside.
He shut the door softly behind him. The room was empty. Confused, he started walking towards the closet, and that's when he saw him.
Elliot was sitting on the floor against the corner of the bed, which was why John hadn't been able to see him. He had his hand wrapped around Olivia's gun, which was resting barrel-down on his chest. He was crying silently, his face slack. His expression was utterly defeated.
The sight stopped Munch in his tracks. Elliot glared up at him, and he quickly held his hands out. "Whoa, Elliot," he said, keeping his eye on the gun. "Hey…let's just relax, ok?"
The cold glare never faltered. "I told you to leave," he said with clenched teeth. "Just leave me alone."
John slowly crouched down, making sure to keep his hands out in front of him. Elliot watched his every move like a predatory animal. He dropped to the floor and carefully slid closer to him.
"Talk to me, buddy," he pleaded. "Please…whatever it is, I can help you."
Elliot rolled his head away from Munch and scoffed sadly. "Save your breath," he said. "There's no way you could possibly understand."
"Hey." John's voice was firm yet sympathetic. "This is me you're talking to, man…come on. I won't bullshit you."
Elliot was silent. John felt his hands sweating and starting to tremble. His mind unconsciously flashed back to the day his father committed suicide. He made sure to keep his gaze resting on the gun in Elliot's hand, as if his look could somehow stop it from going off.
"I can't deal with it." Elliot kept his head turned away as he spoke in a trembling voice. "Everything I see reminds me of that….that place. I let everyone down and I can't deal with it anymore."
John saw that Elliot's hands were also sweating. He used it to his advantage, knowing the grip wouldn't be as tight. He moved his hand slowly upward, keeping his eyes on his friend's face.
"You didn't let us down, Elliot," he said softly. "Why would you think that?"
"What kind of cop lets himself get kidnapped?" he burst out angrily. "I should have fought the bastard, John! But I didn't! I acted like a pussy and let him take control of me!"
John's fingers closed discreetly over the end of the gun, and he was careful to keep Elliot's attention on him.
"You did the right thing, Elliot," he said pleadingly. "You could have set him off by fighting him. Cooperating with him was the only way to stay alive."
Elliot shook his head angrily. "What good does it do now?" he cried. "I'd rather be dead than living in this hell! I can't take it…nobody understands what it's like." He broke down into sobs. "I can't do this on my own."
Munch raised his other arm and slid it around Elliot's shoulders. "You're not on your own," he choked out. "Elliot, we're a family…all of us together. We want to carry this burden for you." A sob escaped him, and he had to fight to speak around it. "Please let us help you."
The emotion in John's voice made him swivel his head around. In all the years he had known him, Elliot had never, ever seen John Munch cry. But yet here he sat, beside him, and he had tears running down his face. "We've gotten through this much," he gasped. "Please, Elliot….please don't end it now. Let us be here for you. I promise you…we'll always be here for you."
Elliot looked down. He saw John's hand over his, gripping the gun, and looked back to his face. Munch held his breath, prepared to make a move. He watched a hundred emotions flash over Elliot's face, and then the gun was on the ground, his hand dangling limply at his side.
Then, he shattered. John quickly wrapped his other arm around him and pulled him into a hug, feeling his body shaking. He was shocked when he felt Elliot slip his arms around his neck and hug him back. He hung on like John was a lifeline and sobbed hard.
It broke John's heart, and he felt his own sobs bubbling. "I'll always be here for you," he said hoarsely, rubbing his friend's back soothingly. "Always."
He broke down then and cried with him.
The next chapter will conclude the story…please tune in, twists await! Please review also!
