Chapter Four- Ebil Email
Riku awoke earlier than the others and jumped onto the computer instantly. The first thing Riku always did when he woke up was check his email. If he didn't check it everyday the box would be clogged up with fanmail.. And he wouldn't be able to receive anything that was actually important. Riku was quite talented at personalizing responses to each individual fan. He cracked his knuckles and opened the first letter.
Dear Riku,
You are the best Kingdom Hearts character ever!11!11!1shift+1!eleven!oneone!111 You totally pwn and I want to marry you. You shouldn't like Kairi, she's a whiney bitch. I love you forever.
Lovingly,
Samantha
Riku sighed at another generic fan letter.
Dear Samantha,
I'm glad you took the time to mail me. I'm glad you didn't mail Sora because no one likes him except for that weird Mandy Smirkke girl who I hear writes about us a lot. Sora wouldn't personally respond to you like I would because he is a selfish jerk. Kairi may be a whiney bitch sometimes, but she's practically the only decent girl on the island. Since Selphie is kind of hyperactive and stupid, I've decided that she shouldn't belong in the game. When I said that, they decided that I should turn evil, so that's why that happened. But then I met Naminé and she owns. I'm sure no one wants to read this letter except you. What am I saying? Everyone wants to hear what I have to say, because I'm a hot, egotistical, anime character. Love to you for being a fan of myself.
-His Hawtness, Riku.
Riku spell-checked the response with no errors, because Riku is perfect, then sent it. He deleted the fan message and moved onto the next email.
Got a heartless problem? Well we can help that with our heartless repelling--
"Aaaah!" Riku shouted, disturbing someone in a camp nearby. He got a whack on the head before continuing, "Prepare to be deleted, spam!" he said as the setting changed to show Riku in the cockpit of a shuttle. In a videogame-like manner, spam started to appear in the space in front of him. He pressed buttons, shooting missiles at the spam, "Die!"He swerved through the galaxy eliminating every useless email until he came to one that said, "BHK's Name Revealed!"
"So he does have a name," Riku said, raising a brow. He plopped back onto the chair in front of his computer and was about to click on the email when he realized that there were four more of them.
After the long wait, the mysterious blonde-haired kid's name has been revealed!
Riku heard a drum roll on his computer.
Okay so it's only a rumor, but his name is Roxas.
Riku chortled to himself and opened the next three. All of which said that the BHK's name was Saxor, Nechi, or Siru.
"When will people learn that Siru is a Sora/Riku pairing on fanfiction?" Riku said as he clicked on the last email which said:
Riku! You idiot! It's Roxas.
"Well that helps narrow it down."
Blake woke up, "Hey, Riku, can I use the computer?"
"Well, well, well. Look who it is," Riku started as he smirked, "It's Roxas!"
"How did you find out my name!" the newly proclaimed, Roxas exclaimed as his jaw dropped.
"I have my sources..."
Sora walked into the computer tent, "Hey guys, what's going on?"
"Blake has a girl's name!" Riku said as he started giggling insanely.
"No I don't!" Roxas argued.
"Blake's a guy's name, Riku," Sora said, raising a brow.
Between laughs Riku was able to say, "No, no, no. His name is Roxas." Sora began laughing with Riku as Roxas frowned.
"It is not!" Roxas protested further.
"It sounds almost like the name Roxanne!" Riku said.
"That's because you're saying it wrong! The o is long. Duuuh," Roxas pouted, "Anyway, Sora has a girl's name too!"
Sora stopped laughing, "What? No I don't!"
"Yeah you do. It's a Native American name meaning 'songbird.' And it's a girl's name!" Roxas joined Riku in laughter.. Though not for the same reason.
Sora started to cry.
Naminé threw a sketch pad at him, "You're messing up the pose, songbird! It's all wrong!"
"My name means 'sky' in Japanese! Sky! Got it! Are you that daft!" Sora shouted at them.
"Are you daft enough to use the word 'daft' in a sentence slash question?" Riku asked.
"Er.. Well... You said daft!" Sora says and runs off into the woods.
The group glances at each other. Roxas' hand slowly raises, clothed by a Sora sock-puppet. Riku and Naminé look down at the Sora puppet, who's hair and shoes were nothing compared to the actual Sora.
"Hello," Roxas said out of the corner of his mouth, trying to pretend the puppet was actually Sora, "I'm Sora. I have a girl's name, but I was chosen to be the keyblade master. But Roxas came along and was so drop-dead gorgeous that I was soon forced out of the role of--"
"Hey!" Riku interrupted, "I'm more drop-dead gorgeous than you!"
"Occupy yourself, Narcissus," Roxas said, as the Sora puppet handed Riku a mirror.
"Oh, my," Riku said, taking the mirror, "Look at those gorgeous eyes."
"Now that Sora is gone and Riku has... become distracted, I shall steal Kairi for myself!" At that moment, Roxas let out a maniacal laugh. So none of this was actually random? Was it all just a diabolical plot?WTF! Where's the fudge!
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Frodo had emerged from the spider hole, "You thought that spider would get me, but you forgot about Sam!"
"Didn't we kill him?" Sora asked.
"How should I know? That wasn't in this chapter--Hey!" Roxas' head snapped towards Sora, "How did you--? When did you--? Didn't you--? What?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I have wicked awesome invisibility-teleportation-sneaky-powers."
Roxas blinked and snatched a shiny, red button off of Sora's clothes. He pressed it and Sora fell into a seemingly random hole in the ground.
"Now where were we?" Roxas asked Frodo.
"Well, I was about to tell you that since Sam has been cut from the show and or fic. I'm going to try and steal Kairi," Frodo picked up.
"Dude! How many people want that chick! Can't you go after Yuffie or someone?" Riku asked, still looking at himself in the mirror. He flashed a smile at himself, the light from his teeth reflecting off of the mirror into his "gorgeous eyes."
"Ah, my eyes!" Riku fell over, blinded by his own power.
What will happen next? Will Frodo triumph over three teenage boys and claim Kairi as his own? Or will he go for the suggested Yuffie, the awesome ninja that everyone absolutely adores? Will Sam come back onto the show? Will Riku's eyes be damaged forever? And can Sora's outfit stay on now that one vital button is missing? Will I stop asking stupid questions? Of course I will! Stay tuned for the next episode of Asorable!
