Still Rated M for sex / smut / lemons - particularly at the end of the chapter - so some of you may want to skip down...although there is lots of fun moments before that too - if only in my humble opinion.
Also this chapter (and consequently this Author's Note) is exceedingly long - much to my surprise - apparently extended consent/thinking about how people might think both seriously and fluffily about sex and intimacy is my jam.
While I was writing, I found myself particularly interested in how these two very intelligent - highly trained characters might navigate these waters - and also how the realities of their job might impact their feelings and approaches to relationships.
Sort of makes sense for a CM fan I guess?
Hopefully you find it compelling - I've tried to keep it light-ish - but I also gave myself permission to explore some big ideas I've had over the years. Next chapter will *I think* be quite different - but I felt this context was needed to get us there...
Trigger warning: I've included a short blunt bit on Luke exploring his thoughts around fat phobia /anti-weight bias / non-pejorative use of the word fat / fat acceptance. I've tried to steer clear of fetishizing fatness or being too soap boxy but as a very fat (much fatter than Penelope*) women in a loving and committed hetero relationship it was something I wanted to explore a bit. I think the current cultural context around fat bodies (and other differently shaped/sized/abled bodies) can be quite challenging not just people in those bodies but those who are attracted to them.
I am also purposely writing Penelope as comfortable in her body within this particular context because it mirrors my own experience. I am not saying she (or I for that matter) doesn't have insecurities or anxiety around her body - but I think it's likely a complex ebb and flow of thoughts, feelings and reactions. Strangely - and I say this as a very fat woman who is pretty comfortable and sensuous in her own skin - one of the biggest internal conflicts that Penelope may have around this topic is that anything positive / accepting she feels about her body is not how a "good" fat person is "supposed to feel" about being in a fat body (i.e there is a fair amount of pressure to be ashamed and be doing whatever you can to hide, negate, and remove the fat from your body - imo the costume designers did a really good job of showing Penelope's attempts to navigate these waters over the years...the tension between her confidence / overt acts of feminizing her look / down playing her larger sized body / maximizing her "acceptable" curves like her cleavage / her general flair and joie de vivre - result in choices that both go against and embrace culture norms in a way that is just plain brilliant. Her feminism is complex and messy and I love her, the cast, the writers, and the designers for it.)
I know I am not naming the performers who embodied these characters on the show- this is deliberate - not because I want them to be ignored or forgotten - I have the greatest respect for the work and skill they committed to their performances - but I have decided to not credit them by name as a way to communicate that I truly mean no disrespect to them and that I am not writing about the individual actors or their individual bodies. The actors skillfully and generously gave us their characters through their performative work and it is a sacred trust. I hope my writing does their performances justice and I know that I can only write in the shorthand I have used in places in this story because you can already visualize the characters so clearly because of all they have given us.
I have thought a lot about the morality of writing /sharing this story - and especially this chapter...and the part that worries me the most is whether or not I am potentially hurting the performers or stealing something from them that they have not consented to give. I suppose I could ask and maybe should have - but I just cannot figure out how that would work. I just hope if they ever stumble across this piece - that they understand that I am trying very hard in my own little way to add to the good they have already put into the world and that - whether I am skilled enough to achieve it or not - the intention actually to pen a part-love-part-thank-you-note for what I feel they have given us.
ok enough of all that - back to our fabulous cheese loving crime fighters!
End of Author's Note
The first morning Penelope Garcia wakes up in the same bed as Luke Alvez is remarkable - and not only because she feels so damn well rested.
Since real life is not a romance novel - their bodies have rolled out of the spooning that lulled them to sleep and they are no longer touching. Luke is sprawled on his stomach beside her - his face tilted toward her - with yes a damp spot from where he has been drooling into the sheets again - the covers kicked off or possibly stolen by Penelope since she is cozily ensconced - curled to one side in all the blankets - and seems to be doing her impression of a dozing pre-butterfly.
Luke's t-shirt is riding up a bit at his lower back - exposing a stretch of warm skin - and his loose pyjama pant legs appear to have climbed his calves at different rates - his left mid-calf just peeking out at the cuff - while on the other leg the cuff seems to have won the race and is uncomfortably bunched just below the back of his knee. He is pretty much the definition of adorably rumpled.
But when Penelope starts to stir awake, Luke sleepily rolls over, does some magic rearrangement of limbs and covers - tucks her up against him - and they are spooning again - under the covers - his leg hooked over hers her head nestled comfortably on his arm, his chin laying on the top of her head.
They are both smiling again.
Hers is an eyes-wide-open-joyous-she-just-can't-help-but-beam-smile.
His is an eyes-closed-self-satisfied-at-peace-with-the-moment-hint-of-a-smile.
They lie like that - Luke enjoying the band of sunlight which is streaming through the gap in the curtains - a swath of warmth traced across his cheek and eyelid - almost as much as he is enjoying holding Penelope in his arms. Penelope, for her part, is practically vibrating with a squirmy happiness as she rejoices in the weight of his arms around her while she watches dust motes dance in the same beam of light that is painting the face of the man beside her - for some reason even though she is not normally a morning person - she is not groggy at all - just the opposite in fact - she feels awake and vibrant - ready for whatever happens next.
As Luke anticipated last night, his body is reacting to being close to her - his slight morning cock stiffness is rapidly thickening and hardening as he holds her.
Part of him desperately wants to throw the plan they've set out the window - so far out hat it will bounce into the next state and just keep rolling until it is forgotten and she is ravished. He's wanted her so badly for so long.
Another part of him is nervous that she will feel him and be uncomfortable or embarrassed or angry or feel pressured or... but he makes a conscious choice to act as though he completely trusts her words from last night and her promise that she'll tell him if he is making her uncomfortable - so he doesn't try any of the tricks that he's employed in the past to get his body to simmer down when it was reacting in a way that seemed inappropriate or inconvenient to a particular situation.
Instead he just lets himself - as she once so wisely councilled him in an elevator - be in the moment.
So he lets his mind spin gently as he enjoys this new turn of events.
In his life as a soldier, a fugitive hunter, and now as a profiler - he has seen an incalculable number of shameful, harmful, hateful things done to bodies - by bodies. He has also seen incredible acts of physical heroism, tenderness, and care. He has studied how a person's mind can be triggered to command a body to destroy and conquer or to censure and deny those impulses.
He has always been a very physical person - enjoys movement - be it running or lifting heavy things or boxing or working with his hands or swimming or touching or sex - but years of Catholic school and pop culture and army culture haven't exactly left him conflicted subconscious free. He knows full well he has has had as many not-totally-grounded-in-fact sub-conscious and conscious beliefs about good and evil and the ok-ness of bodies and what they do or don't do as the next person.
Penelope once accused him of wanting to be perceived as a "smoldering basket of mystique and contradictions" but he can't think of anyone who fits that description more than the woman he is holding.
Sometimes she is so strong and fierce and brilliant and then she will be explosive or prickly or collapsing and afraid of change and then the next moment she will be joyous and free and witty and outrageous. There is a consistency but it is not an entirely predictable one - which is both frustrating and endearing and exciting to be around. She even is known to boldly embrace the contradictions inherent in herself - after all she is one of the most independent intelligent knowledgeable women he has ever met and also one of the fluffiest.
She is afraid and sensitive and passionate about things that seem silly - while at the same time being so brave and well-spoken and armoured up - and no one could deny her heart and head are in the right place about the big things.
He thinks - ironically much to his surprise - how he is not surprised - not surprised at all - by the no-nonsense and empathetic take she had last night on his concern about how his body would likely react to sharing a bed - or about her evident acceptance that her body could be attractive to him. He'd been with women who were everything our society said a woman should be physically who had been near impossible to convince that he found them attractive.
He bet that there were many people who knew her who would assume that she would - could - never have been a player in the scene that passed between them last night - even some of the people who knew her best - but that was because they had fallen for the act she shrouds herself in.
He had guessed for awhile - but now he was convinced - that her fluffy armour had been donned not just as a way to protect herself but to protect others from the parts of herself that she feared - had likely been told over and over in either word or action - were too much, too bold, too big, too daring, too sharp, too sensitive, too numb, too well-spoken, and too perceptive...
Luke wasn't sure what had finally convinced her that he could - should - be trusted. To start to be let him in and experience her full self - but he was fully aware that it was a both a privilege - an honour - and a responsibility that he shouldn't abuse or take lightly.
Secretly he also wasn't totally sure he was worthy - but part of respecting her decision to trust him with this part of herself was that he had to trust her assessment that he was worthy.
Even as these rather erudite and perceptive thoughts flit through his brain a mile a minute - Luke is ultra aware of the feel of her body against his - that he could easily cup a heavy breast or stroke her round soft belly - how much he wants to - and that his cock is nestled against her rounded behind - that he is getting progressively aroused by her body's closeness and that nothing about her body displeased him.
He knows he's been physically attracted to this woman since the first moment he layed eyes on her and he long ago privately - if not publicly - admitted to himself that he has admired and was attracted to many different sizes and shapes of women - but if he's honnest Penelope is the fattest woman he has ever held this closely.
Holding Penelope now though two things occur to him as truths:
1. a belly - fat or not - is just a belly, just as an arm is an arm or a foot is a foot
AND
2. the body of the person you love - is the body of the person you love - and that's why it's "in sickness and in health" and "as long as we both shall live".
Not deep realisations perhaps. But his.
He uncomfortably remembers now how - when he had first admitted to himself that he was attracted to this woman - he had guiltily wondered if touching her fat belly would be a turn-off or that his feelings about fat might cause another type of issue if they ever got together.
He had tried different words in his head to describe her - thick - fluffly - curvy - bodacious - round - vivacious - anything but fat. Fat was a dirty word - so how could he use it in conjunction with her?
So, he had assumed that he was attracted to her in spite of her weight orthat she somehow wasn't fat just tall and big-boned or carried it well and in all the right places - sure, he would readily admit that in the breast and butt department she was just plain fucking sexy -- but the rest?
He was an Army Ranger - a fitness buff - proud of his endurance, strength, and tone . It was understandable - wasn't it? - if he was attracted to and formed relationships with women with a similar respect for their bodies? He remembers comforting himself that Penelope's fat didn't matter because of she was who she was which - if he is even more shamefully honest - he gave himself a lot of extra points for thinking / feeling.
He would never say it out loud - but he knew he had felt somehow noble because he had "allowed" himself to be attracted to a "non-stereo typically attractive" woman.
- like he was doing her a favour -
The whole thing was understandable and possibly typical - but still...
...that version of himself was such a fucking idiot...
It was probably a blessing in disguise for both of them that she had held him at arms length for so long. If they had gotten together right away...
If the start of his training to become a profiler hadn't of coincided with his attraction to this incredible woman - he might have never worked through the morass in his brain. There is something about studying criminal psychology, serial killer case files, and behavioural science which makes one become acutely sensitive to his own thought processes, bias, emotional reactions, potential love map, and subsequent behaviours and beliefs. Not imediately able to control them or change them perhaps (or even ever) - but definately acutely sensitive to them and how they may or may shaped as one would hope.
And what do they say? Admitting it is the first step?
So he had struggled to identify and then reshape what he realized had some deep previously un-examined beliefs - some of which came to understand were confusingly conflicting and that he seemed to hold with inconsistent degrees of conviction - things like:
"a man like him wouldn't be attracted to a fat woman"
and
"physical appearance doesn't matter - it's inside that counts"
and
"fat people are ultimately all lazy/unhealthy/morally corrupt"
and
"fatness is a sign of a generous / motherly woman" and "fat is a pejorative".
Not all of the beliefs he tackled were directly related to body and sex and fatness - he challenged himself to fish out thoughts and bias fueled by racism (which he already had done a bunch of research on over the years), classism, regionalism, sexism - supplementing the reading he was already assigned with scientific articles - although he preferred first person accounts - so on his nights off he worked his way through twitter and youtube and the bloggosphere - or whatever the kids were calling it these days.
He was vaguely appalled by his new found "wokeness" as a result of all of this...and also sort of proud of himself.
He started delving into things not so much because he wanted to change but because it interested him and helped in his work. He read about the psychology and treatment and experience of people with eating disorders, he learned about systemic bias, he asked himself hard questions about whether how his feelings for his partner had changed when Phil had become paralysed...he also started looking at people around himself in a new way. He realised what he thought of as "normal" - wasn't. And while he still didn't think very highly of people who were lazy or weak or evil - he did start to understand that it may not always be that person's fault and that it could take a lot of work to unstitch beliefs and shift behaviour - which some just didn't have the resources, luck, smarts, or support to tackle.
He was lucky - he had supports and resources...he had an amazing team, the best dog on the planet, great friends, and a gorgeous woman in his arms.
Heavy.
He mentally roles his eyes at himself - punny very punny Alvez - stop thinking in circles and enjoy the moment, you dope!
Luke hugs Penelope just a little tighter and sighs happily.
Penelope tips her head a bit and voices the thought that has been swirling through her head...
"Luke, have you seen The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Jack Black and..."
This is so out of left field from where Luke's head has been at - he barks out a laugh cutting her off before he answers.
"No. No I have not. Should I?"
"Welll maybe... it's pretty wonderful no matter what score it has on Rotten Tomatos... but there's this line Cameron Diaz' character says and I'm having trouble getting it out of my head this morning..."
"Oh? And what's that?"
"Well...um...it's well.. this would be a lot easier if you had just seen the movie you philistine ... ok..." Penelope flips over so that she's facing Luke "...do you know anything about the film?"
"It's some sort of Christmas movie, right?"
"Oh for heavens sakes. Yes it is. Basically Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet house swap... and there is like mile of cute and some sexiness that ensues. So Cameron is in England to get away from her ex who has just cheated on her and she meets - aka falls into bed slash love with - Kate's brother played of course by Jude Law- who is a book editor and the father of two adorable little girls...there's a pretty amazing scene with this blanket tent that is decorated with twinkle lights and Kate Winslet is off in California meeting an Oscar winning old time writer dude and falling in love with - but not in bed with - Jack Black...there's a great jaws scene with them...and..."
"Okayyyy. And you're thinking about this because..."
"I'm getting to that! So Cameron's talking to Jude at this one point and she says something like 'Sex complicates everything - even not having sex complicates things'...and so..."
"Ah. and so?"
"And so I was thinking what route for us would be less complicated? The..."
"...not having sex or the having."
'Yeah."
"Ah. I totally see why you were thinking about the movie - although I am not sure I needed the whole synopsis..."
"Shush you. It is a modern classic. You should thank me for widening your limited horizons."
"Oh I do. I do. You know I do."
At this point, Penelope hits Luke with a pillow.
"Ok! Ok! I'll be serious. Thank you for widening my limited horizons."
"You better be thankful Mister!" She raises the pillow again...
"I am! No more hitting me with the pillow!"
Luke grabs the pillow from her and throws it across the room. Roxy raises her head and then - seeing that it is unlikely that Luke is going to get up and do something interesting like feed her or open the back door or take her for a run - puts her chin back down on her paws with a doggie sigh.
Luke ignores her for a moment - that dog can be so dramatic at times - he knows it's still early.
"So Penelope - it sounds like you want to start a bit of the tactical meeting right off the bat? Or at least address one item from the agenda?"
"Something like that. Is that um ok?"
"Right as rain, Chica. So what are you thinking? Or do you want me to start the ball roling on this one?"
She makes an adorable thinking face as she considers his question - it really makes him feel even more like kissing her...but he's glad they are going to talk.
"How about since I brought it up - I start? That seems fair-ish? But you have to promise to tell me what you really think after - no matter what I say ok?"
"Deal."
They are lying side by side - Penelope looks at him - eyes searching his - takes a deep breath and begins...
"So I ...I don't think it's a secret at this point that I'm really attracted to you...on a lot of levels. And...well... I'd be lying if I haven't thought occasionally about what it would be like to um have sex with you and I think um you feel kind of the same?"
Luke nods.
"So... I guess I was kinda thinking at first that we would um explore the physical side of our um attraction when we went away - and I wasn't sure what that would mean - or even if we'd want to have sex as part of this whole thing or not - but like maybe agree to act like we're a couple for the first part of the trip and then say on the last evening talk about what it was like and then make some decisions from there about whether we decide we're a couple - or friends - or coworkers - or dead to each other..." Luke snorts but doesn't stop her flow of words "...or y'know married with 4 adopted kids and are moving to Canada or whatever...but then um this morning I was kind of wondering if maybe you'd want to start the um exploration um this morning... and then I wondered if that would make things easier because then we would know and maybe um some of the tension would be alleviated - or maybe it would just make things confusing and akward... especially since we have at least a week of work before we go away... and um yeah .. and now I feel dumb because I don't even know if you want to have sex at all with me - let alone this morning and ... this is not very romantic - but I am finding it kind of a relief to just talk about all of this instead of the whole whoops and now we're doing stuff or not thing...ok I think I'm done."
Penelope scrunches her eyes closed and waits for him to talk.
Luke thinks again that she is adorable but he can't answer her yet - not if she isn't able to look at him.
"Chica? Look at me? Let me see you while I tell you what I think?"
Penelope carefully opens one eye and then the other. Luke strokes her cheek reasuringly and then takes his turn...
"Ok. First..."
- now he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath clenching his jaw - he can't remember the last time he was this turned on -
"...you are right - I am extremely attracted to you and have thought more than once what it would be like to...um - in fact it's taking considerable effort to keep myself from not...not... jumping you right this very moment."
"Well..." Penelope laughs with a wink "...that's understandable. Just call me 'skip rope', Handsome."
"Pen - stop. Ok so since I am sensing neither of us may be thinking totally clearly on this topic..." Penelope giggles "... I...so we can be as objective as possible ...I think we should approach this like one would a tactical mission..." his voice goes all professional and serious - like he's teaching a course on military tactics "...so define the situation/ gather information - analyse/assess risk - develop options - seek alternatives - weigh choices - prepare details - rehearse (if time) - modify (if time) - implement - assess results - and repeat ad nauseum until the end of time - capiche?"
"Sir, yes, Sir!"
Luke ignores the twinkle in her eye and the mischievous tone that is in danger of driving him literally crazy with lust.
"...so we're at the define the situation and a assess risk phase? Agreed?"
"Sir, yes, sir!"
"Penelope?"
She raises her eyebrows and now her eyes are all-out laughing at him as she says in a voice that is fully aware she is poking the bear...
"Sir, yes, sir?"
"You're a goof."
"Yep - but I'm your goof - ok so I'm onboard - so define the situation is first?" she cocks and eyebrow - implying it's just a yes/no question - he nods "... so then..." she clears her throat semi-dramatically "... do we agree that that the situation is as follows: Basically we are stupidly madly re-cock-culously attracted to each other - even if we both occasionally annoy the swiss cheese out of each other - and we also respect each other as colleagues, trust each other and - at this point both in and out of work - like each other as people and are therefore both are curious if this could *slash* should go farther but are um hesitant to go too far or too fast or even are sure about ever starting anything long term - I won't say formal cus I think this might be the most formal romantic relationship I have ever been in in my long-legged life - but we are unsure of starting something official / public between us - primarily because of two factors that are (in no particular order): 1) the complexities put on any relationship we have due to our high-risk, high-stress uber important yet unpredictable and fairly - need I say it - icky jobs and 2) the potential impact of said potential relationship on said work and the dynamic of the extremely specialized and beloved team we are both a part of? ..." she takes a breath as she rambles to the end of this rather impressive - if she does say so herself - quazi-impromptu summary of the situation "... Have I missed anything or not phrased something accurately I.Y.O.?"
Luke shakes his head in amazement.
Will this woman ever stop surprising him with her flair and perception and just general Penelope Garcia-ness?
So he shakes his head and laughs and tells her the truth:
"Nope. I think you've captured it. Although I think you might annoy the Pepper Jack out of me...not the swiss cheese, Chica."
"Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to au gratin, Newbie. So risks - do you want to apply your ex-military brain to that one?"
"Whatever the fair maiden desires... But before that I think I need to let Rox out and we should start breakfast for the three of us. Omlets sound good? We.can plot while we eat?"
"Yep! How about you duck into the washroom first and call me when you're out so I can go do my absolutions?"
Luke swoops down and gives her a quick kiss on the lips.
"No need to take turns Chica. Yhe washroom is yours when you want it. I'll duck into the powder room downstairs once I've opened the door for this very patient girl. Duty and nature calls!"
With that he bounces out of the room - Roxy right at his heel and she can hear man and dog racing each other down the stairs.
Penelope grins one last time at the ceiling and then rolls out of bed to launch herself into the rest of what is shaping up into a wonderful if slightly surreal day.
Who would have thunk it? Here she is in a little slice of paradise complete with a gorgeous man who not only seems to really like the real her but is encouraging and participating in all the talking she has always craved at the beginning of relationships - but was often rebuffed with at minimum annoyance and often derision about "Why does she have to overthink everything?" or "Go with the flow babe" or "I thought you were fun?!" or "Not everything has to be so serious." or worse "I love that you are so serious about us - it was just what I was looking for. Marry me."...which basically meant that the guy hadn't heard a word she'd said or totally discounted her concerns - neither of which was very encouraging or boded well for the future of the relationship..in her humble opinion.
Seriously - she is not quite sure how - but seems to have found herself in her own special brand of heaven.
Breakfast was great and at the end they had - using the inside of an empty cereal box and a package of coloured markers that Luke didn't even remember owning but Penelope had somehow magically scrounged up - the following handmade chart:
Sexual Relationship Risk Assessment
This document hereby outlines the potential risks and benefits to Luke and Penelope - hereby to be referred to in this document as the "relationshipees" - inherent to engaging in mutually consented to sexual acts up to and including the whole enchilada prior to determining the risks/ benefits / relationshipees intentions of initiating a long-term committed romantic relationship.
(Luke had petitioned that they use the term lovers on the basis that "relationshipees" was a) too long, b) not a real word, and c) not very romantic - but had ceded the motion when Penelope tabled that a) relationshipee was funny and b) that it was less presumptuous of a given outcome which was the whole point of the document.)
Part 1: Potential Risks
Risk 1: STI/STD
Likelihood: LOW - both no symptoms - tested since last partner
Potential Mitigations: condom (At this point Luke dug out the box he had picked up awhile ago on a whim and confirmed that they were not expired) / non penetration / limit fluid sharing / re-testing / testing post experience / honnesty
Risk 2: PREGNANCY
Likelihood: LOW
Potential Mitigations: same as above - also: use of an additional form of birth control, including emergency contraception, abortion (Luke was not keen on. that but agreed that it should be included in the list), adoption (neither were keen on that), raising any potential offspring together to the best of their ability
Risk 3: Lousy / uncomfortable / demeaning/embarrassing sex leading to grumpy unending akwardness and an an about face of said trip plan
Likelihood: VERY LOW!!!
(Luke had underlined this three times in bright orange marker and added the three exclamation marks.)
Potential Mitigations: Communicating / Writing up colourful charts / Honnesty / Not being evil / Practice - Practice - Practice!
(Luke had underlined this in green and drawn little hearts and stars around it which made Penelope howl with glee. When. she could breath again - Luke had added the 4th risk...complete with underlines, exclamation marks heart doodles, stars, and squiggles)
Risk 4: Really really amazing mind blowing emotional connection and physically orgasmic addictive bliss resulting in compromised rational faculties and executive function of Relationshipees.
Likelihood: EXTREMELY HIGH!!!!!
Potential Mitigations: None. Result must be anticipated and planned for if action taken.
(At this point the two of them had stared at each other straight until the moment was broken by Roxy asking to be let in,)
Part 2: Potential Benefits
Benefit 1: Will allow for information to be gathered about sexual compatibility which may help relationshipees determine whether or not a long term committed relationship is feasible.
Benefit 2: Contrary to stated risk 4 - may lower intensity of individual levels of arousal - allowing relationshipees to be able to think more clearly about non-sexual pros-cons of potential long-term relationship.
Benefit 3: Giggity Giggity Giggity.
(Luke was slightly repulsed when Penelope wrote down benefit 3 as such - but chuckled when she drew little peeking eyes beside it - but he also couldn't disagree that the point was valid - and he had been the one who insisted on using the term whole enchilada at the beginning of the "document" so he wasn't sure he really had any grounds for appeal.)
Part 3: Options
Option 1: Engage in sex prior to leaving on trip - i.e the minute this document is completed because oh my gawd yes.
Pros: Potentially mind blowing orgasms, not wasting a day off or potential chance to get each other naked (YOLO!), more time to practice and get it right, we can focus other aspects of the trip and stop using so much of our brains on this
Cons:
Could lead to behavior or tells that could lead additional akwardness or something with each other or team. *Note from Penelope: because that is going to be a potential risk anyways...
Luke is supposed to be at Phil's in an hour so right now might not be the best time to get jiggy with it. *Note from Luke - phones exist for a reason.
Might make it harder to walk away from this thing. And if we do - pain associated with reminders?
Option 2: Wait until trip but engage in sex prior to making final decision re initiation of long-term committed romantic relationship.
Pros: Privacy and less chance of the team finding out??? Less associations with everyday lives if relationshipees do not agree to proceed with long-term option. Sex not right away but sooner? Info for decision making? Clear(er) heads? Increased anticipation?
Cons: Patience and restraint will be required this week. Distractibility / Anxiety? No sex today :( What if one of us dies between now and then and we never get to have sex?
Option 3: No sex until status of long-term commited romantic relationship is decided upon.
Pros: Less risk of emotional hurt regardless? although could influence decision disproportionately. Make sex more special of we.have already decided to be together?
Cons:. Make sex sadder or painful or not happen of we decide to not be together. No sex today or during beginning of trip. No direct info about compatibility - theory only.
Again - what if one of us dies between now and then and we never get to have sex with each other?
Luke and Penelope had been laughing and joking as they ate and put together their chart - but now the mood shifts and they stare down at what they've just created together - then they look at each other for an even longer moment.
Finally, Luke breaks the silence. His voice low and deep.
"So Pen, shall we take Roxy for a quick walk while I phone Phil and apologize that I can't come by until dinner time?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"um...Cool!"
Penelope.cocks her.head to the side then asks...
"Your place or mine?"
"How about both?"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"ok...
"Cool!"
They don't bother changing out of the clothing they wore to bed. Penelope just pulls on her coat while Luke tugs an old oversized hoody on over his t-shirt. The sun is out but the autumn DC air still has a nip to it. They don't touch each other on the walk. They don't talk much either - just a word here and there about which way to turn or how beautiful the weather is...but the air practically thrums between them.
Penelope holds Roxy's leash as Luke calls Phil explaining that something had come up with a friend and would Phil mind if Luke came by later than planned?
"No problem, bro! I think then...Lou and I are gonna see if we can do some park exploring with the leopard print retractable leash. Wish me luck! Shall you bring Rox here around say 6:30pm and we order Pizza?"
"Deal."
"Catch you on the other side!"
When they get back to the apartment - Luke takes Roxy's leash - deeks ahead to open the door and moves like lightening to set Roxy up in the back yard with fresh water and a snack some whispered instructions and a pat on the head - then makes it back into the front hall just as Penelope - who is sitting on the little stool he has by the door kicks off her second running shoe.
Wordlessly he takes both her hands and pulls her up so that she stands before him - keeping their hands clasped but letting them hang loosely between them - their eyes meet and don't waiver for one, two, three shared heartbeats.
This time it is her who makes the first move. She decisively takes a firm step forward and lifts her face - which is much lower than he's used to due to the lack of her usual heels - and presses her lips to his. They kiss once like that - just lips pressed together - and their insides ignite into a symphony of synaptic fireworks - they are suspended in a moment of high wire tension - then it snaps and Luke pulls her body fiercely against his - arms wrapping around her - hands sliding up her back so that he's cupping her shoulder blades - pulling her closer and higher - and helplessly ravenously deepens the kiss.
Penelope opens herself - mouth and heart - to his completely - giving back and taking as much and as fiercely as he is. Her hand trace up his chest and then up around his neck - her fingers are again in his hair - she too pulling him down and closer - but even though the kiss is incredible - it's rapidly becoming evident that it is not enough for either of them - they press and press together - tongues dueling and stoking - a whimper from Penelope - a growl from Luke - his hands now range down her body - cupping her bottom - pulling her softness even tighter against his body so there is no hiding the effect their kissing is having on his cock as it strains against the loose pants he had worn to bed.
At the feel of him - Penelope's hands move down to Luke's shoulders - she gives him one last kiss on him mouth and then uses his shoulders to push herself away from him just enough so she can move her kisses to his chin - his throat - the hollow of his collar bone - then let's herself slide down against his body - at first he tries to hold her up - resists the voyage she seems to have decided to take - but she is dropping kisses down the front of his t-shirt - so he lets his hands slide up her back as she drops down to her knees in front of him - until her cheek is pressed against the front of his hip - her lips just a whisper away from where his penis tents the front of his pants - his hands are on resting lightly on her shoulders.
She wraps her arms around him then in a hug - steadying herself for a moment - breathing against him - he is panting and trembling - and then she reaches for the band of his pants - carefully helping them down over his cock - pulling them down to the floor and then helping him step of of first one leg than the other. She looks up at him then - a gorgeous grin from under her lashes - and she reaches up to the hems of his shirt and sweater and he knows exactly what she wants. He grabs the two tops at the same time and pulls them over his head and just like that he is completely - magnificently in her opinion - vulnerably in his - naked in front of her.
Penelope sits back on her haunches and looks up at him - blinking as though she's looking into the sun.
She unconsciously licks her lips. But he can't let her touch him - he would explode and he wants somehow for this first time to be even - fair - balanced.
So he reaches out offering his hands to her.
Without a word she places her hands in his and he steadies her as she stands. He steps towards her then and first helps her off with her t-shirt and then kneels down and mirrors how she helped him out of his pants. He stands then - they are back to the position they started in - face to face - gazing into each other's eyes - hands clasped and hanging loosely between them - both naked as the day they were born...well except for his watch...and her glasses...her earings were left on his bedside table last night...so each with just a single outward mark of their everyday selves...like modern totems...adorning their bodies.
Each thinks the other is beautiful.
Each knows they love and respect this human before them - come what may.
But these are passing thoughts.
Now they are smiling wide-and-open-dares at the other.
Then they are racing through the house - nude and bouncing and joyfully loose and almost sloppy - Penelope's mincing running steps - his athletic gait - hand.and hand they swing by the kitchen table - him grabbing the box of condoms as they pass the breakfast bar - both of them ducking and dodging to avoid the uncurtained windows - they are laughing freely now - they can't help it they have fallen into another foot race!
Penelope gets to the stairs first and shrieks as he chases her up - she runs full tilt to the bedroom - triumphantly launching herself onto the bed - half crawling half rolling until she is settled - on her back - head on the pillow - blond hair tussled around her face - her legs relaxed at the knees - gently spread - her arms lifted - her hands reaching out for him to join her... Luke skids to a stop at the foot of the bed...gasping from laughter and the sprint.
He looks at this woman.
Penelope Garcia.
This brilliant, vivacious, articulate, ridiculous, no longer armoured woman and he sends a silent thank you to all that is good that he is here now.
His eyes darken - his cock throbs - and she nods at him.
He places two hands on either side of her on the mattress - then leans down to kiss the inside of her left calf - then her breath hitches as he forges a chain of open mouthed kisses up to high on the inside of her thigh.
He is on his hands and knees over her - making his way up her body - he presses a kiss just beside her thatch of curls - inhaling deeply - she twists under his ministrations - her hands reach down to his arms rubbing up to his shoulders.
He lifts himself so he can look down at her belly - and his eyes catch first on the scar - marking her forever as a survivor of the type of violence they battle against day in and day out.
He reverently traces it with his finger tips - then raises his eyes expecting her to look - what...hurt? shame? anger? - but instead her lips are parted with a wild joy - she is radiant in the sunlight on his crumpled sheets - the eroticism of the moment is a Leonard Cohen song come to life. Their bodies are the tune - the extended verses of their time spent together palpable around them - him rough and hard and her soft and round - both are ready for a modulation in the song they've been living.
"More kisses on my lips, now please?"
Penelope pulls his body up and the his face down to hers - his lips meet hers - first there is sweetness and then wild fervor and then a desperation that tips toward madness and need and insatiability.
Luke is careful to move his knees up higher beside her - so he can hold all himself up off of her - careful not to crush her - but also reluctant to let a certain part of his anatomy dip down and be in contact with any part of her skin. He would never think of it this way - certainly not in this moment - although she might - the hardness of his cock strains between them like a divining rod.
She marvels. In the grand scheme of sexual acts they have done so little - each have barely touched the other yet - and yet...she pulls away from the kiss - letting her thumbs stroke against his upper arms...
"Now. Please."
"Now?"
"Only if you want?..." her voice is warm and confident - she isn't questioning his attraction to her - she is asking what he is comfortable with doing "...you're allowed to say no or not yet...always...just like me."
He peers down at her - frozen by her words.
Women don't usually give him this chance. It was ingrained in him that he was the chaser - that he was always to be the one who had to be careful to not push too hard or too fast - not take without asking - be a gentleman - and it was something he believed he was and was proud of. Sure he had said no to women - but never at this point even though a few times he wasn't totally comfortable with how far or fast something was going - but if the woman was enthusiastic he tended to feel like he was obligated to follow through.
It occurs to him in a blink that while he has often sought to confirm a woman's consent throughout an encounter - up to the last moment - and sometimes beyond that - he can't recall a woman checking in with him - making him feel like past a certain point he had a choice.
If asked before, he might have guessed that such a question might - against logic perhaps - make him feel emasculated in some way - but it doesn't. Instead he feels respected and cared for and extremely aware of his masculinity. So when he answers her his tone is genuine and tinged with thanks:
"I want."
He rolls off the bed and gets a condom, tearing open the.package and rolling it carefully on. He then climbs back onto the bed - this time he lays himself on her - legs between her open ones. He slips his arms under her shoulders - cradling her - holding himself up just enough with his elbows - but letting her bear the weight of him between her thighs. She reaches down between them and for the first time touches the smooth heat of his cock and guides him into her wetness (he really needs to decide on a better word) - he follows her lead and with their eyes locked - he pushes smooth and slow and deep into her as her legs lift to wrap around him.
They both make a noise of completion - a gutteral finally.
Once they are as joined as two people can get physically - they rest there - just feeling the other in and around themselves. There is an aching rightness about it as their gaze doesn't break in this suspension of time - for time if not feeling does seem to be holding it's breath.
They are not sure which one of them moves first but they start to move slowly apart and together. In and out. Long deep stroke after long deep stroke after long deep stroke after long deep stroke.
As the tension coils inside each of them - something breaks and suddenly they are kissing again - making out is probably a more accurate term - and their joining is getting more frantic and fast - each of them pushing at the other - sometimes losing their cadence as one or the other jumps ahead but always getting it back.
Their teeth are catching now - their breaths growing harsher and harsher - as each nip and kiss and mouth their lover.
Penelope's hands are moving more and more restlessly - she can't seem touch him enough - she is squeezing him - kneading him - her hands need to be full of his skin his hair his heat.
He starts to thrust harder and faster - he can't kiss her anymore - he needs to watch her as he pumps and pumps and pumps and she meets him everytime - and there are now little sobs at the end of every one of her breaths - he is making strangled little grunts - sexy as hell - just trying to hold back to stay with her - to not give in - and then he both sees and feels her reach it - then her cunt and his cock are squeezing and pulsing and thrusting together - she hears her name on his lips and he hears his on hers.
They are cumming together. Cumming in a wave of sensation and crashing need
Wave after wave after wave after wave.
And then - like the sea calming after a storm - the sun returning after the thunder and lightning - they slowly come down together.
His cock is softening inside her - her body around his - and they kiss slow and sweet as they let themselves come back to centre.
Finally he rolls off of her...and they lie side by side - hand in hand.
They will get up in a moment and clean themselves and dress.
He will drive her home and they will do some of the things they had yet to do.
He will touch her breasts with hands and mouth.
She will explore his back and chest and will ask his permission to give him head.
Later they will laugh and tease as he bends her over the couch taking her sexily from behind like he did in his imagination the night he found out she had been shot.
Roxy and Sergio will roll their eyes at their somewhat embarrassing irritatingly noisy and not suitably focused on them humans.
Then when he has to go so as not to be late for his meetup with Phil - he will go - whistling for Roxy - claiming one last kiss for the road.
Then, he will turn back to look at her - almost at the elevator - when he hears her call his name from her doorway:
"Luke Alvez? No matter what happens or what we decide going forward. Thank you for everything today...and...and...I love you now and for always in some way or another. No matter what. See you at work"
He will answer, not daring to retrace his steps back to her because he knows he might never leave and that is not what they have agreed:
"Thank you Penelope Garcia. No matter what we decide...I will love you some way or another too. See you at work."
...to be continued...
