Chapter 25: No Pain, No Game

Reviews:

QueenAzulaThinksYourWorthless: I never really planned for Trent to go much further than he did. If he had reached the merge, he would have been the next victim of Alejandro's scheming. Yes, the Bass did get very lucky. And Chris is indeed an asshole.

TheChrisanthemum: No, that was Total Highschool Drama that merges at 10. If I tried to do that, the eliminations would be very predictable.

Gucci Mane LaFlare: Thanks. I tried to do some stuff with Trent, but there's really only so much you can do with him, and this season is just too long for anything I would have tried to stay interesting.

Phenomenal Ultra Instinct: Eh, I just needed to get it out of the way. Now the real fun can start.

DSX62415: Yes, let's.

Knifez: I thought it was the most logical way for the Badgers to take the loss. Well... Also, yes, it was just a gag and will never actually be important to the plot. Nimbus's only relevance is getting beaten down for humor.

Knight: Eh, we won't go back to Boney Island for a while. Nimbus has a bit longer to un-live.

TDFan: The latter. I really wasn't sure what to do with Trent for the most part. Like I said, he was originally only going to last for two more episodes anyway.

PrincessGumballWatterson777: I have absolutely no interest in F-Zero. I write for the fandoms in MY heart, and Homestuck, RWBY, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer are among those.


Remaining players: Alejandro, B, Beth, Brick, Bridgette, Cameron, Courtney, Duncan, Geoff, Harold, Heather, Jasmine, Katie, Leshawna, Lightning, Lindsay, Noah, Owen, Sammy, Scarlett, Scott, Shawn, Sky, Topher, Tyler, Zoey


The episode opened on the twenty-six campers eating lunch. Noah took a bite of the lasagna Chef had served. "Huh, the food actually tastes like food today."

"I'm telling you, Scarlett cannot be trusted," Courtney whispered to Lightning.

"Girl, Lightning just wanna eat in peace," Lightning responded.

"Okay, but keep it in mind. Just look at her. Right now, she's probably thinking about how she's going to take us all down, one by one," Courtney said before moving on.

Tyler and Scarlett had just gotten served. Tyler inhaled deeply and said, "Mmm, lasaga."

"It's pronounced 'lasagna,'" Scarlett told him.

Chris burst into the Mess Hall. "Challenge time!"

As a result of this, Tyler dropped his tray. "My lasaga!"


Chris led the campers to the amphitheater, where two sets of seating were located, that looked like a combination of bleachers and desks. One had the Gopher and Bass symbols on it, while the other had the Moose and Badger symbols. "Please be seated, according to your former teams," Chris said.

"Okay, but why?" Courtney asked as they complied. "Why don't we all just take seats randomly?"

"I'll get to that in a moment," the host told her. Once they had all taken seats, he explained. "These are your new teams. Gophers, Bass, your teams have been merged into one. Moose, Badgers, ditto."

"Wait, what?" went the general reaction.

"I thought you said the teams were merging," Noah said.

"Indeed. You made a point of mentioning it quite a bit," Alejandro agreed.

"Hey, I just said that last challenge would be your last one as the four previous teams. I never said that it would be your last one in teams at all," Chris said. "It's a misleading but true statement. An excellent way to subvert audience expectations."

"Actually, considering how downright chaotic a merge of twenty-six would be, I don't think it's that much of a surprise," Topher told the host. Several of the others looked at him incredulously. "What? I used to watch Chris's shows all the time! He thinks pulling cheap surprises like this is peak entertainment!"

"Are you really saying that you weren't surprised at all?" challenged Jasmine. "Because I'm calling BS."

"No, I was surprised, just not as much as I would have been if this twist was executed better," Topher said.

"Excuse me, who here is the host?" Chris asked snidely. "That's right, me. If anyone here knows what audiences will expect, I do. So shut up."

"For now, you're the host," Topher muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Chris asked.

"Nothing important."

"That's what I thought," said the host. "Anyway, after this challenge, both teams will decide on their team names.

"Also, in the spirit of competition, I decided to let a few players have a second chance at the game, by popular demand." Chef held back the curtain, and the first to walk out was Jo.

"I'm back and better than ever, maggots!" Jo shouted, and every single one of the former members of the Moose team groaned.

"I thought you said we couldn't come back. Ever," Noah asked Chris.

The host tried to look guilty and failed. "Yeah, about that...I lied."

"But this guy?" Lightning complained. "Did sha-anybody like him?"

"Well, I certainly did," Chris said. "Also back, we have-"

"Howdy, everyone!" Sugar shouted as she ran out from backstage.

"Oh, sure, bring back the girl who performed the atrocious rap number," Heather said sarcastically. "That's sure to bring the fans."

"Hey, mah rappin' is not 'atrocious,'" Sugar said angrily. "Ah'll have you know it won an award back home for best vocal performance."

"Against what, two pieces of Styrofoam being rubbed together and a squeaky bus brake?" Heather asked.

"The judges said it was even better'n Chingy," Sugar told her as matter-of-factly as possible.

Heather smiled. "I rest my case."

"You better. You try'n keep it goin', I'll have to hu-miliate ya," Sugar told her, thinking she had scored a victory in their battle of words.

"Ahem. Anyway, we also brought back these two," Chris said, as Dawn and Dave walked out from behind the curtain.

"I just want to say that I apologize for being rude on my first day," Dave said. "I don't really take surprises well, and, well, the campground was an unpleasant one."

Dawn looked at Dave. "You know, you should really talk to a psychiatrist about your OCD," she told him. Dave just side-stepped away from her.


Confessional: Dawn

"I didn't really leave under the best of circumstances last time, and I don't really think I represented myself very well during my initial time here. I felt that I needed to try again, to prove that I'm not the kind of girl to break down in the face of adversity."

Confessional: Dave

"Does she weird anyone else out?"

End confessional


"To our four returnees, take a seat with the combined team whose members did not vote you out," Chris said.

Dave took a seat in the front row of his new team's seating quietly, but Jo felt the need to hurl insults. "Prepare to be humiliated, especially those seven numskulls who voted me out! I'll show you all what a real competitor can do!"

"Bring it on!" shouted Leshawna.

Sugar and Dawn took their seats in the other seating section. When they sat down, Lightning scowled at them.


Confessional: Lightning

"Man, why'd Chris let them come back? They didn't do anything to sha-earn their spot on the team like the rest of us did. Cow Girl got voted out..." he counted on his fingers, "fourth, I think. And Creepy Girl got voted out some time later. We should vote them out first."

End confessional


"Welcome to your next challenge!" Chris told them. "The time-honored game of Say Uncle! You are all about to be put through tests of endurance so insane that some of 'em sent our interns to the emergency room!" Each row of campers was shown, with varying degrees of fear on their faces. "If you back down from this challenge, or do not last the required ten seconds, you will be eliminated from the challenge. The winning team will not only be safe from elimination, but each member will win a $100 gift card for Spaghetti Heaven!"

The camera cut to a plate of spaghetti being twisted by a fork. "Pasta so good, it should be canonized by the Pope."

Cut back to Chris, who gestured to Chef, who was wearing a hockey mask and holding a butcher's knife and a deck of cards, as well as standing by the slot machine they had used to determine who would participate in challenges before. "Alright," exclaimed the host, "Let's do this!" Chef pulled the lever, and the machine stopped on Alejandro's face.

"Alejandro, you're up first! Take one of the cards to select your torture!" A tune reminiscent of a game show played in the background, and Alejandro's face broke into a sweat. Hesitantly, he picked up a card. "Lake leech bath?" he said, afraid. Chris grinned evilly.

The footage cut ahead the two of them standing side-by-side. "Our interns spent the past few weeks collecting the largest, slimiest, blood-suckingest leeches from the lake, and put them all in this barrel," Chris said as he showed Alejandro a barrel with a large amount of leeches in the water within. "All you have to do is get in the barrel and stay in for ten seconds."

Alejandro cringed, but he managed to climb in the barrel. "Dios mio!" he shouted as the timer started. Over the course of the ten seconds, the charmer began to look more drained. Eventually, though, the timer reached ten seconds and a bell rang, prompting Alejandro to launch himself out of the barrel.

"And Alejandro moves to the next round!" Chris announced. "Isn't this fun?"

As Alejandro was removing the leeches, he sarcastically groaned, "Truly, it is the joy of a lifetime."

Sugar picked a leech off of his back. "I'm gonna fry you up, little feller. With butter 'n' bread crumbs. Mmm-mmm!" she told it. She then took out a ziploc bag from her pocket and put the leech inside. Alejandro looked very disturbed.

"O-kay," Chris said, grossed out.


Confessional: Alejandro

"Why would you do that? Why would anyone do that?"

End confessional


Chef pulled the lever again. "Up next, we have...Samey!" said Chris. He drew a card. "Standing on hot coals!"

"Actually, can I take this one?" Brick said.

"Brick, I thought we agreed you weren't going to try to shoulder extra responsibilities for me," Sammy told him. "And don't worry. It can't be worse than the time Amy made me stand up on the stove to get our Halloween candy out of the cabinet, then turned it on."


Confessional: Sammy

"Brick and I really hit it off, but we decided that we weren't actually going to start thinking about dating until after the show was over. I watch shows like this sometimes, and couples formed on them tend to be put under a lot of strain by the competition."

End confessional


"It's not that," Brick admitted. "I actually think it would help with my athlete's foot."

"Gross, dude," Chris said. "But it's fine by me. However, if you fail this one, you're both out. Understand?"

"Yes, sir!" Brick shouted, saluting.

Cut to Brick and the host standing behind a tray of hot coals. "Please remove your socks and shoes before stepping in the coals," the host said.

Brick removed his boots, then his socks. Upon the reveal of his feet, several of the others present gagged, and Dave just flat-out passed out.

"Yeesh, man, don't you ever wash your feet?" Chris asked.


Confessional: Dave

The confessional simply showed Dave curled up into a ball, shaking and rocking back and forth. Eventually, he spoke. "How can any human being live like that?"

End confessional


Brick stepped in the coals, and flames flared up on his feet, though they died down quickly. Brick didn't even seem to be in any pain; he just sighed as if the experience felt soothing. By the time he showed any visible signs of discomfort, nine seconds had already passed, and he made it through the tenth second easily.

"Well, you didn't fail your challenge, you freak-job," Chris said. "But Dave is out because I think you broke him."

The chair Dave was sitting in was immediately swapped out for a stockade. Dave didn't even seem to notice.

Brick went to pick up his socks and boots, but Chef snatched them away and gave him a pair of sandals. "Hey, those are mine!" Brick shouted.

"I'll get you a new pair," Chef told him. "But you can't wear these. They're a health hazard."

"But...those are my first ever pair of combat boots!" Brick complained.

"That explains the smell," Chef said. "And the mold. And the rotting insides."

"Okay, you've made your point," Brick admitted, putting on the sandals.

"Well, you completed your challenge without complaining," said Chris. "So you get to choose who gets to go next. Take a card."

"Can I choose not to choose?" Brick asked.

"Nope!"

"Okay," Brick said, resigned. He took a card from the deck. "Turtle puck shots?"

"Hey," Jo whispered to him. "Corporal Foot-Fungus. Over here."

Brick let her whisper in his ear. "If you say so. You were on their team, after all," he replied. Then he spoke up. "I will have Harold take this one."

Harold stepped up from his seat. "You got this, Harold, baby," Leshawna cheered him on.

Chris then told him, "Oh, and just so you know, if your victim lasts the whole ten seconds, you get eliminated instead."

The buzzer went off, starting the time, and Chef started launching snapping turtles at Harold. Harold dodged and dodged, only getting bitten a few times before the buzzer went off. "Like a boss!" he shouted, before one last turtle shot towards him and bit him in the groin. "Ow! My nuggets!"

"Well, since Harold didn't complain, I guess that means you're out," Chris said to Brick. Brick sighed and allowed himself to be put in the stockade.


Confessional: Jo

"[bleep]! That was meant to be an ironic elimination! But you know what, forget it! Screw irony!"

End confessional


Chef pulled the lever. "Next is...Scarlett! With marshmallow waxing!"

"Sounds easy enough. I personally have never had a waxing done before, but a fair number of other people have. It cannot be that painful."


"YOU ABSOLUTE IMBECILE! BE MORE CAREFUL!"

However, despite her pained shrieking, she made it through.

"Okay, up next...Noah! With Tibetan throat singing!" The host held up a pair of headphones. Noah gulped.

A few seconds later... "NO! NO MORE TIBETAN THROAT SINGING! Put me in the stockade!"


"Tyler! With wooden shorts!"

Tyler wore a set of wooden shorts, and a woodpecker was released next to him and started pecking at his groin region. Tyler just scoffed. "I remembered to wear my cup today! So you don't scare me."

The woodpecker stopped, and went around to the back. Tyler then started to sweat. "Y-you don't have to go back there!" He didn't give up, but at the very end, he screamed.


"Bridgette! With electric eels!" Chef, wearing rubber gloves, rubbed a pair of electric eels together, causing them to generate more electricity. "Clear."

"Uncle!" Bridgette shouted, before Chef could touch her with them.


Confessional: Bridgette

"Electric eels aren't exactly one of my greatest fears, but I know what they're capable of. I doubt I could have taken that shock."

End confessional


"Jo! With the poison ivy spa treatment!"

"Bring it on!" Jo said.

Once Jo was actually in the chair, Chef started applying the poison ivy. "Hey, not so much!" she shouted. "Slow down!"

"You quitting?" Chef asked.

"Pshhh. No." Jo finished the challenge fairly easily.


Next was Zoey, sitting in a chair, with Chef dumping a bucket of snakes on her. Zoey didn't even flinch.

"Wow, you really aren't scared of snakes, are you?" Chris asked.

"Nope. Actually, I have two pet snakes named Saphira and Thorn back home," Zoey said. Chris gave her an odd look.


Confessional: Chris

"I think I get why Zoey didn't used to have any friends."

End confessional


"Well, since you didn't complain, you get to choose the victim of the next torture." Chef dealt her a card.

"Bamboo stalks under the fingernails?" Zoey asked.

Cameron just so happened to be sitting next to her. He tapped her on the shoulder.


Flashback

Dawn: "B is afraid of harm befalling his hands."

End flashback


"Sorry, B," Zoey said. B started sweating.

Sure enough, not two seconds after the first piece of bamboo was inserted below his fingernail, B yanked his hand away, and used his teeth to get the bamboo out. When he was put in the stockade, Heather gave him a disappointed look but said nothing.

Next up was Lightning, whose torture was lying face-down in a pile of LEGOs for ten seconds. He passed fairly easily, despite yelping when one piece got caught up his nose. Chef removed it while Chris spun the randomizer again.

The next to be selected by the randomizer was Scott. "Fire ants!"

"Not a problem," Scott said. "My cousins and I used to play this game where we would hang onto the clothesline over a fire ant bed until everyone but one person fell, and I usually won, but I lost sometimes. I'm pretty much immune to ant venom now."

"Let's test that, shall we? Remember, you have to stand relatively still," Chris said, as Chef held up a bucket containing an ant hill. Scott smirked confidently.

Chef poured the ants on him. Scott couldn't help letting out a yelp of pain.

"'Immune to ant venom,' huh, Captain Dirtfarm?" Jo mocked.

"Well, it's been a while since I last got bit by fire ants! I'm certainly doing a better job with them than you would have!" Scott fired back.

"Please, I could do your challenge in my sleep," Jo said dismissively.

Scott looked like he was about to say something, but was cut short by the timer beeping. Chef then sprayed him with a high-powered hose to get rid of the ants.


Next was Owen. Chris directed him to a group of stumps, and said, "Okay, Owen. for this challenge, you have to do what we call, 'the skunk jump.'" Several skunks poked their tails up and prepared to spray.

"For spaghetti!" Owen shouted. Unfortunately, Owen tripped jumping from the first stump to the second. He got sprayed for several seconds.

"Ooh. Tough break, Owen," Chris said, as the stockade replaced his seat.


Up next was Courtney. "All right, Courtney, you get an easy one. All you have to do is wear this shirt made of bees for ten seconds."

Courtney smiled and shrugged. "Seems easy enough. I just have to avoid provoking the bees, right?"

Sure enough, Courtney passed the challenge fairly easily and without complaint. Chef gave her a card and she read it aloud. "Eating a jar of mayonnaise?"

Jo, who was sitting next to her, whispered in her ear. "You're sure about this? Your last advice didn't turn out that well," Courtney asked her.

"Absolutely," Jo said. "No way he can take it."

"All right," Courtney said. "I choose Cameron. This had better work out."

Chef handed Cameron a small jar of mayonnaise and a spoon. "You have to eat the entire thing before the ten seconds are up," Chris told him. "And you have to do it without throwing up. At least, you can't throw up before the timer runs out. Feel free to throw up afterwards."

Cameron steeled himself, and as soon as the timer began, he started eating the condiment as quickly as he could. He handed it back to Chef when the timer ran out, and Chris looked inside. "Good enough," Chris said. "I think you could have got another spoonful or two from the wall of the jar, there, but good enough to win."

Chef handed him the bucket that had contained the fire ants, and Cameron vomited profusely into it.

The stockade replaced Courtney's seat. "Wow, I really thought he wouldn't be able to do it," Jo said. She then smiled perversely at Courtney. "But on the plus side, I like the sight of you in stocks." She gave Courtney's butt a smack, which caused Courtney to glare daggers at her, and Scott, who had returned to his seat, to tear a poorly-attached board off of the seating, and he was about to hit Jo over the head with it as hard as he could.

"You take that swing, and you forfeit the challenge for your team," Chris warned him.

Scott hesitated for a few seconds. "Fine," he spat venomously.


Confessional: Scott

"Jo. Is. Going. Down."

End confessional


Chris spun the randomizer again. "Katie! With..."

Topher looked over Chris's shoulder. "Actually, I'm pretty sure this one is illegal."

"Is it?" Chris asked. He then sent a text, presumably to his lawyers.

The lawyers texted back quickly. "Huh, so it is. Okay, I have a challenge for you, Katie. For ten seconds, you have to wear Brick's moldy, rotting boots!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Katie squealed. "Uncle! UNCLE!"


Confessional: Katie

"Those boots don't match my outfit at all! Chris is so mean!"

Confessional: Topher

"Hmm. I've been looking for a good person to take to the final two with me. Lindsay and Tyler are more Scarlett's allies than mine, so I'll need to pick someone from the former Gopher team, or a returnee. I only really need one person on my team to be absolutely loyal to me for my plan to work, and Katie seems perfect."

End confessional


Next was Sugar. "Ooh, this next challenge is the toughest one yet. You have to spend ten seconds in this crate with the mythical Sasquatchanakwa. Thought only to be a myth, let's see how our unlucky camper spending some quality time with him does."

"Braing it on!" Sugar shouted. She marched into the crate that Chef had brought onstage, and closed the door behind her. Once she did, sounds of carnage could be heard from inside.

Ten seconds later, Sugar walked out, and shouted back, "Boom! You just got Sugar'd!"

"Are you okay?" Bridgette asked, concerned.

"Yeah, that guy wasn't so tough," Sugar bragged. "He ain't got nothin' on me! I gave him a whippin', easy."

"Well, since you didn't complain," Chris said, "you can pick the next victim. Here's your card."

"Chainsaw haircut?" Sugar asked. "I'll have him take it." She pointed at Topher.

"Uncle!" Topher shouted before Chef could start up the chainsaw.

"Nice job, Junior," Jo said.

"Hey, at least I didn't pass out at the sight of someone else's feet," Topher defended.

Jo shrugged. "That's fair. Discount Forehead had better hope we win."


Next was Sky, who was faced with eating ice cream and powering through the brain freeze. She was able to manage the cold for about seven seconds before the ice cream headache hit her too hard.

Following her was Beth, who had to hang upside down over a piranha tank. She managed to last through the ten seconds.

Next was Leshawna, who successfully lasted ten seconds in an ice chest full of ice.

Then came Jasmine's turn. "Okay, Jasmine. All you have to do is stay in this coffin for ten sec...

"NO!" Jasmine screamed. "I'm out! No coffins!"

Jo gave her a look of disappointment. "I expect this from Junior and Thing 1, but you? I thought you were braver, Ranger Risa." Jasmine looked away as her seat was replaced by stocks.


Next was Shawn, who managed to take being spun around on a wheel similar to those used in knife throwers' shows.

Following him, Lindsay lasted ten seconds in a pen with a wild boar.

After that, Dawn failed her challenge of eating overripe fish guts. After only one bite, she gagged.


Confessional: Dawn

"I know my position might be precarious, but only a wild animal could have eaten that."

End confessional


"Hey, give that here," Sugar said, taking the container of fish guts and eating them.


Confessional: Dawn

"I rest my case."

End confessional


After that, Heather had to endure her nose hairs being pulled out. She succeeded, cursing wildly at Chef and Chris the whole time.

Chris then looked critically at Duncan and Geoff. "Okay, boys! It's up to you now. If you can complete your challenge, then that puts your team's score out of the enemy team's reach.

"Wait, challenge, as in, just one?" Duncan asked.

"Cool, so, co-op?" Geoff asked.

"Your challenge...is to make out with each other for ten seconds!" Chris announced.

"Wait, make out, as in, make out make out?" Geoff asked.

"Yep," Chris said, smiling maliciously. "Better get to it!"

Duncan and Geoff stared at each other, both sweating.

Eventually, Duncan broke eye contact. "I can't do it," he said.

"Yeah, man. This challenge is just too hard," Geoff said.

"Aww. And I was lookin' forward to some guy-on-guy action," Sugar said, receiving some weird looks from the guys on her team.

The host then turned to Sammy. "Okay, Samey, it's all on you. You complete your challenge, and you tie things up for your team. Your challenge is...to give Chef a piggyback ride!"

"Welp, we're doomed," Jo said.

"Hey, Sammy could still pull through!" Brick protested.

"Samey? Tiny, twig-armed Samey? Not a chance. We might as well cast our votes now," Jo told him.

Having heard Jo's disparaging words, Sammy's face contorted into a mask of fury. "My...name...is...Sammy!" she shouted, lifting Chef up. "Not Samey, not Sparamy, not anything else my sister and [bleep]s like you call me, Sammy! And I have been belittled for too long by too many people, and I will not let you tell me what I can and can't do!"

"And Samey wins her challenge!" Chris announced. Sammy turned on him angrily, and Chris rolled his eyes. "Fine. Sammy wins her challenge."


Confessional: Sammy

"Jo is just like a track team version of Amy, right down to the way she makes my blood boil," Sammy confessed. The she looked thoughtful. "Apparently, she's also a lesbian, so maybe I should set her up on a date with Amy. I don't think Amy is a lesbian, but it would be a great way to annoy them both."

End confessional


"Well, we're left at a tie, we have to have a tiebreaker," Chris said. "Here's what we'll do. Both teams will select one team member, and those two members will compete against each other in the log roll. First one to fall goes home."

The members of the former Gopher and Bass teams all looked at Jo. "I think we all know who we're choosing," said Sammy.

Jo scoffed. "Fine. You losers couldn't handle it anyway."

"Okay, Jo is the competitor for Team 1!" Chris said. "Team 2?"

"I'll do it," Leshawna said. "Jo and I have some unfinished business."

"Are you sure? You're strong, and you've improved in our daily runs, but Jo is pretty fast," Cameron said. "Maybe we should have someone else do it."

"Trust me, I got this," Leshawna told him. "Jo's gonna try to end it as quickly as possible and commit too hard. I can do this."

"Well, okay. Kick his butt," Lightning said, giving her a thumbs-up.

"You do know Jo is a girl, right?" Noah asked Lightning.

"Sha-WHAAAAAAAT?"


The camera cut to a log in the water, with Jo on one side and Leshawna on the other. "Ready, set, ROLL!" Chris announced. Jo immediately started running in one direction, attempting to build up momentum on the log. Leshawna allowed this for the first few seconds, waiting for the right moment.

Leshawna had a respectable amount of core strength. However, she was hardly a runner, and her core strength did not fully translate into speed. She could still do respectably in a log roll competition, but not against a track star like Jo. She simply didn't have the speed or endurance to last more than ten or so seconds.

Which is why, as soon as Jo had built up enough speed that she had committed to her direction and couldn't stop, Leshawna threw all her weight against the direction the log was moving, causing both girls to fall.

The only difference was that Leshawna fell on the log before falling into the water. Jo simply fell in the water straightaway.

"Ooh! And it looks like Jo is going home today!" Chris announced.


Confessional: Jo

"It's not fair! If Discount Missy Elliot had been doing the log roll right, I would have won!"

"Nobody cares, Jo!" Chris's voice came from outside the confessional.

End confessional


Once Leshawna was back on shore, her teammates gave her high-fives. "Great work!"

"Thanks!" Leshawna said. "I figured she'd try to speed up as fast as possible, so as to try and outpace me. It left her off-balance. Oh, by the way, thanks for coaching us on our running styles for those runs you make us do, Lightning. I probably wouldn't have timed it right otherwise."

"Sha-yes! Helpful!" Lightning shouted.

Jo 'hmph'ed as Chef directed her towards the boat of losers, while Chris addressed the campers. "Your new teams need names, for convenience purposes. I'll let you choose them this time as long as you don't pick anything inappropriate. Get those back to me tonight in place of the Campfire Ceremony."

Bridgette said, "Well, we can deal with that soon. Why don't we head to the campfire pit or something, sit down for a bit, and get to know each other?"


Topher and Scarlett left the group to talk strategy. "So, what do you think of our new teammates?" Topher asked.

Scarlett hesitated a moment before answering. "While Jasmine, Brick, B, and Sammy may not be allies, they could definitely be called friends. Which is a potential problem given the threats that Jasmine and B both represent, but if we deal with Scott and Courtney first, they should be easy enough to pick off, provided that they do not decide to align against us. Heather and Beth, while their teammates are not exactly enemies with them, are clearly outsiders, meaning that they should be easy enough to manipulate. Katie has no allies and is not especially well-liked, so she should be easily convinced to side with us as well. As for Dave, his position is tenuous at best. He will side with us as soon as we convince him it will enable him to protect himself."

"Seems about right," said the wannabe host. "Why don't you recruit Heather and Dave, while I take Beth and Katie? They seem like they would be more affected by my winning smile." He gave her a look that was too over-the-top to be seductive, and just ended up looking like he was trying too hard.

Scarlett gave him a look that said she was not impressed. "Needs work?" Topher asked.

"You look like the perverted best friend character on a sitcom," Scarlett told him.

"Okay, fine, I won't do that," Topher said. "But still, I think in their cases, a pretty face would be just what they need to be convinced. And mine certainly qualifies."

"I'll take your word for it," Scarlett said. "Let's just begin."


At the campfire pit, the newly formed team were talking about themselves. "Sha-bam! Touchdown! And that's how The Lightning won his best game, 77 to 14!"

"Right on!" Geoff shouted, giving him a fist bump. "Awesome story, dude!"

"Yes, your exploits in giving other muscle-heads concussions for the sake of selling tickets to people who don't realize they could just watch action movies is so thrilling," Noah said dryly. "Let's have someone else tell their life story."

"I am glad you asked!" Sugar said joyfully. "Now, I been competin' in pageants since I-"

"Not you," Lightning said. "Nobody cares about sha-losers."

"Hey, who you callin' loser?" Sugar asked.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe the girl voted out..." Lightning counted on his fingers, "fourth!"

"Hey, it ain't my fault Chef don't appreciate talent!" Sugar said. She then put up her fists. "Why don't I show you just who the loser here is?"

"Okay, okay! Let's all calm down," Bridgette attempted to mediate. "Lightning, we understand where you're coming from, but you shouldn't make hasty judgments like that about people. It's entirely possible that Sugar just...had bad luck that day."

"Even so, Lightning does have a point," Alejandro said. "Whatever the circumstances, Sugar and Dawn did get eliminated, so it falls on them to prove themselves more than everyone else here. Still, they are our teammates, and they deserve a chance to do so."

Sugar simply glared at Lightning and Bridgette.


Confessional: Sugar

"Who does that Lightning feller think he is? I'll show him just how much of a loser I am. And as for that Bridgette chick? I'm onto her 'nicey nice-girl' act. She ain't foolin' me!"

End confessional


Meanwhile, Topher was talking with Katie. "Okay, so here's the deal. I need someone to take to the final two with me, and I picked you. I have a strategy for getting us there, but you will have to vote for whoever I tell you to."

"Okay!" Katie said, surprising Topher.


Confessional: Topher

"Huh. I was expecting that I would have to explain my plan. I guess Katie does more of her her thinking with her ovaries than I thought. That, or she just doesn't do much thinking at all."

End confessional


Meanwhile, he saw Courtney talking to Beth. "So, Scarlett was responsible for voting out DJ, who was your friend's boyfriend. So will you help us take her down?"

"I guess so," Beth said hesitantly. "I'll see if I can get Heather on board too."

Topher smiled.


Confessional: Topher

"Sorry, Scarlett, but Beth joining our alliance just doesn't factor into my plans."

End confessional


"And it turns out that vampires are real," Shawn said. "So that's another danger you're going to have to watch out for in the zombie apocalypse. You might want to carry around a crucifix or something, but I haven't actually tested whether that actually works on vampires or if it's just a myth. But you should have lots of deadly weapons anyway. Guns if you can get them, plus an axe, and knives."

"Aren't guns kinda hard to buy in Canada, though?" Cameron asked.

"I live in Alaska, so I don't know," Shawn said.


Confessional: Alejandro

"In a word, the former Moose are..."

Confessional: Geoff

"Awesome!"

Confessional: Bridgette

"Colorful."

Confessional: Duncan

"Weird."

Confessional: Alejandro

"Passionate. Which I'm sure I can use."

End confessional


"How about you, Zoey, was it? What's your story?"

Zoey tensed up, not able to say anything.


Confessional: Zoey

"I'm not so great with group interactions like this."

End confessional


"Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we decide on our team name?" Dawn asked, seeing that Zoey was struggling.

"Team Lightning! No, wait, the Lightning Squad!" Lightning suggested.

"Um, no," said Noah. "Not a chance."

"Ooh! How about Team Firefly?" Harold asked.

Duncan looked at him. "I know that's a reference to some nerd thing, and I'm vetoing it," he said.

"You don't have to be so dismissive! Gosh!"

"Okay, then how about Team Victory?" Sky asked.

"Seems like tempting fate," Cameron pointed out.

"Then how about Team Survivor?" Shawn asked. "It's accurate enough not to be tempting fate in that we've all survived in the game this long, while still being cool enough that we don't sound silly."

"Ooh, I like it!" Owen said.

"Okay, all in favor?" Alejandro asked. Everyone raised their hands. "Then Team Survivor we shall be."


Jasmine gathered the members of her new team as well. "Look, we have to decide on a team name. Any ideas?"

"I've got one," Heather said. "Team Chris Is A Jerk."

"Any other ideas?"

Everyone else said nothing, aside from Dave. "Hey, don't look at me. I've been on this team for only a few hours now, and the interns didn't even show us any episodes, so I don't know much of anything about how you guys work."

Topher said, "I think Chris would get mad at us for it. How about Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Mean?"

"That sounds childish," Courtney said.

"That's the idea. It's childish enough that Chris won't take offense."

The idea, despite itself, slowly drew some nods. "Anyone else have a suggestion?" Jasmine asked. When nobody offered one, she said, "Then it's decided."


At the Campfire Ceremony, Chris addressed the campers. "Okay, so, with Jo gone, there will be no voting tonight. Instead, we shall christen our new teams. Today's winning team?"

"We have decided on Team Survivor," Alejandro told him.

"Team Survivor? What a boring name," Chris said. "You sure you want to name yourselves that?" Alejandro nodded. "Okay, fine. I did say you could pick. Today's losers?"

"We're going with Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Mean," Topher said.

Chris burst out laughing. "Hahahahaha! I love it! Would have preferred 'hot' to 'mean,' but it's still great. Well, that's about all the time we have for today, so get yourselves washed up and head to bed. Or not. It's not like I care."

He turned to the camera. "Four teams become two, and the game has suddenly gotten a lot more interesting. Who will succeed? And who will fall next? Find out next time on Total. Drama. Island!"


Author's Note: Well, this took longer than expected.

Apologies for the bait-and-switch, but it just seemed like so much of a Chris thing to do that i just couldn't help it. The real merge will be at 13.

So, as for my choices for the returnees. Dawn was fairly obvious, and Jo was just someone brought here to get eliminated without throwing off my plans for Team CIRRRRM. But as for Sugar and Dave, I think some explanation is required.

Sugar is the easier one to explain: I thought she had a lot of wasted potential as a villain. Sure, she was generally fairly unpleasant in canon, but that's not entirely her fault. Despite being an antagonist, there just wasn't much antagonism for her to do with the PI cast. Here, there are more people with competitive and clashing personalities that she can potentially butt heads with, like Lightning, so I thought her return would work.

Dave is...harder to explain. He never exactly had any sort of plot, and if you think that he's more or less going to be in the background for his time back on the island...I can't deny that. But even so, I do think I can make him amusing, specifically with his future interactions with Lindsay, Tyler, and Katie. Moreover, looking back at Not So Happy Campers, I think I did him a bit dirty. Dave complains a lot, but I think I exaggerated it a bit too much. My in-universe explanation is that he doesn't handle surprises well and the accommodations were an unpleasant one, but I think I should probably give him a bit more screen time. (Not too much, though. He's still my least favorite character.)

Also, I got my wish! This fic has a TVTropes page now! Please consider adding to it, as there is a lot that could be added. The address can be found here: /Fanfic/TotalDramaRedux52

Elimination order:

Dave, the Germaphobe (RETURNED)

52: Staci, the Compulsive Liar

51: Dakota, the Fame-Monger

Sugar, the Pageant Queen (RETURNED)

50: Amy, the Evil Twin

49: Leonard, the LARPer

48: Anne Maria, the Jersey Shore Reject

47: Izzy, the Psycho Hose Beast

46: Rodney, the Lovesick Farm Boy

45: Max, the Super-Villain Wannabe

Jo, the Take-No-Prisoners Jockette (RETURNED)

44: Ezekiel, the Homeschooled Guy

42 (Tie): Gwen, the Loner

(Tie): Dawn, the Moonchild (RETURNED)

42 (Tie): Eva, the Hothead

41: Ella, the Fairytale Princess

40: Justin, the Eye Candy

39: Cody, the Flirty Geek

37 (tie): Mike, the Introspective

37 (tie): Aiden, the OC Hate Sink

36: Sadie, the other BFFFL

35: Beardo, the Human Soundboard

34: Sam, the Gamer

33: Sierra, the Super-fan

32: DJ, the Brickhouse with Heart

31: Trent, the Musician

30: Jo, the Take-No-Prisoners Jockette