Author's Note: This one, I don't really know. I wrote this one from somewhere inside, I didn't think about this one at all, I just wrote, if this sucks, I don't care. But blah! I'll make the next one better.BTW, this is kind of spoiler-ish for chapters 200+
That Empty Feeling
You know that feeling you get when you're alone and there's nothing you can do about it? Where all of humanity seems to be against you? Yea, I know. It sucks; but what I can I do about it? Why do I have it? So many questions deep inside myself, yet I hide it as if nothing is wrong. I'm such an idiot. Just a simple idiot.
Whenever I look at them, I feel as if everything is perfect and fine, as if everything is where it's meant to be, I mean, gah! It's just that whenever I look at Rukia, I feel this strange happiness, like she's perfect for Ichigo and that I have no ill feelings whatsoever. Rukia is one of my best friends, I love her in that way, because I can always go up to her whenever I want to talk about something, but not this time. I just can't. I don't want to ruin her happiness.
Ichigo, whenever I see him, my heart pounds, my mind races. At times I'm just happy that he's around, and that I can look up to him. He's more then a simple brother, I love Ichigo but it's something that's not meant to be I guess. But I can't help but love him so much. So much that it hurts.
I'm jealous. For the first time, I'm just so damn jealous. Why though? Why? Dammit, why? I just want some kind of answer, I don't care who answers it, a god, a kami, I don't care! I just want to know why! Why do I goto sleep every night crying in my hands, yet when I wake up I goto school as if nothing happened?
What does Rukia have that I don't? I've been with Ichigo for almost three, four years now, and I still can't make him honestly happy. But you, just one sight of you brings him back to normal. I'm so jealous, I want what you have, I want to have Ichigo's heart in the palm of my hand. Why does life have to be this way? Why!
I want Ichigo to be happy. I want Rukia to be happy too. But why I can't I have a small piece of that happiness? I just want one small piece. Tomorrow is going to be more of the same. I'll wake up with my pillow soaked in tears, I'll dry my face and put my makeup on. I'll goto school and smile and laugh like always. I'll see Ichigo and Rukia, my heart will leap then fall, fall so deep yet I won't show it. I'll walk home alone, these thoughts running through my head. And I'll go home and eat. Eat a small and lonely meal, then cry for the rest of the night.
Have they noticed I've lost weight? My face looks so emaciated? That my eyes are sometimes swollen red when I goto school? How I've been missing school more and more? I don't know now. I want both them and me to be happy. But, I hate it. I hate everything. I just sometimes want to go away and disappear and never see anyone again. But it'll continue. Everyday the same, until I break.
