CHAPTER FOUR: HOME

The night before James and Lily were going home finally arrived. They settled Harry down for the night and then went to their own room. The couple got into bed, cuddling close together. Lily rested her head on James's chest. 'James, before we go home, we need to talk about something' she said sounding uneasy. She knew this was going to be difficult. James sat up quickly. 'What? You're not about to tell me you're pregnant again are you?' he asked, smiling nervously. Lily shook her head, 'No love, I'm not pregnant. Besides, I couldn't be, we haven't…..well, you know….have we, for a while?'

James sighed unhappily. That much was true. He and Lily hadn't made love for a while. They both knew the strain they were under was the problem. It had touched every aspect of their lives together. They both realised that when they did make love, it had become an act of desperation and fear, a way of taking comfort from each other and trying to wipe out some of the problems they faced. An act of love that had once been so tender between them had become something so frantic and frenzied, they were both unnerved. James was so frightened of hurting Lily he hardly ever went beyond kissing and holding her any more. He was terrified of what he could do if he did, what he had already done, and as much as they missed each other, he was in no rush to make another mistake……

James was pulled out of his thoughts as Lily sat up and shifted so she was looking at him. 'No James, I think it's about time we talked…..about Remus' she said, a little hesitantly. James groaned and rolled his eyes, 'Lily, come on, it's late. We've got a long day ahead tomorrow, let's just get some sleep and we can talk…..' he went to lie down and close his eyes, but Lily stopped him by grabbing his hand, shaking her head decisively. 'No James, we need to talk about this now. I'm not having this hanging over us any more. I want us to go home and know that this thing won't be brought up again. I need to know its finished James'.

James Potter groaned softly again as he looked into Lily's expressive green eyes, watching him anxiously. 'I don't really want to talk about this Lily, we said we wouldn't, remember?' he said, trying not to sound worried or irritated. He really didn't want the discussion Lily seemed determined to have. Lily took his hand in hers tightly and sighed. 'Yes, I know we promised we wouldn't talk about it again, but that hasn't done us any good. You look fit to explode every time his name is mentioned, and you wouldn't even consider him as our Secret Keeper. You would rather he thought that we think he's in league with Voldemort, and that's just not right James. You're not being fair to him'. James eyes widened in annoyance now, he felt his temper rising. 'How can you say I'm not being fair to him? Lily he nearly split us up!'

Lily shuddered as James became angry, she knew this would happen. 'He didn't nearly split us up James, you did' she said, trying to keep calm. Now James was off the bed and on his feet, clearly outraged. He took a deep breath to calm down. He didn't want a fight with Lily now, not when they were so close to going home. 'Now who's being unfair?' he asked quietly.

Lily faced him as he stood on his own side of the bed, opposite her as she sat. 'James how many times do I need to tell you it was nothing?' she asked. 'How many times do I need to say that Remus just got carried away when he knew the Wolfsbane Potion worked and he was trying to thank me for helping him?' James emitted a derogatory laugh. 'Yes, I know he was trying to thank you!' he said, his voice laden with sarcasm. 'It's funny, but I can't remember any other times when he's thanked somebody by trying to put his tongue down their throat!' Lily gasped in dismay at her husband's words. 'You're exaggerating James, it wasn't that bad' she went on as James grimaced in disgust. 'It was just a stupid kiss James. He put arms around me and he kissed me; that's all it was! The way you talk you'd think you'd found us in bed together or something!' James glared, 'Well maybe if I hadn't walked in when I did…'

Lily gasped again in dismay. She found her voice after a moment. 'Are you telling me you think I would've slept with Remus and been unfaithful to you?' she asked, hardly able to contain her shock. She watched James intently, trying to find out what he really thought. James watched her as she faced him. He could see the shock from his words in her eyes and the earnestness of her gaze. He exhaled a breath he hadn't even realised he'd been holding and then he sat back down on the bed and grasped both of Lily's hands in his tightly. 'Lily….I…no' he tried to formulate a sentence and found his mouth wouldn't work properly. Lily looked at him with tears starting to gather in the corners of her eyes. 'James you blew it out of all proportion. You made it sound as if you thought I was having an affair with him, and I wasn't…I wouldn't do that, ever. I would never have been unfaithful to you, not with Remus, not with anyone. I don't want anyone but you James, not then, not now…..not ever!' Her voice was resolute.

James swallowed hard. The intensity of Lily's gaze on him was almost painful. 'But you can't deny he has feelings for you…..he's in love with you Lily, I'm certain he is, and I just don't trust him'. Lily gripped his hands in hers. 'But do you trust me?' she asked steadily. James raised a hand to Lily's cheek and cupped it gently. 'Yes love, of course I do, you know I do' he said firmly. Lily nodded, 'Yes, I know, but you have to understand, whatever Remus feels, I'll never feel the same for him. I have a husband and a baby and I'm more than happy with what I've got, so you should just forget what he did and forgive him. I don't want you to resent him any more James, there's no need. He'll never come between us, never'. James stroked Lily's cheek softly. 'OK, I'll try, for you…but Lily…' Lily clasped the hand that was stroking her cheek. 'What James?' she asked tentatively. 'I can't use him as our Secret Keeper, please don't ask me to do that, because I can't. I can't trust him with you and Harry, not with something as important as your lives' he replied. Lily nodded, 'I know, and that's fine, but please, just try to forgive him James. You used to be so close, and now you can hardly stand being in the same room as him. Please, try to forgive him. Don't ruin your friendship for one stupid mistake, not now'.

James Potter nodded tentatively. 'OK, the next time we see him I'll clear the air…and then we can all move on'. Lily reached out and hugged James tightly to her before they both settled down to sleep, ready for the next day when they would be going home with Harry.

The next day dawned bright and clear. The sun streamed in through the half blocked out windows of the flat. Lily thought it ironic that in the late October sunshine the flat didn't look half as bad, but she didn't care. She couldn't wait to get home.

Lily moved on the bed. James was on his back beside her, sleeping. Lily reached over and kissed him softly on the lips. He stirred and then opened his eyes, rubbing them sleepily before reaching out for his glasses and putting them on. 'That was nice….you haven't woken me like that for a while' he said sleepily, reaching out and planting another kiss on Lily's lips. He beamed with pleasure. Lily smiled happily, 'Well hurry up and get dressed and ready so we can go home, and I might just kiss you again' she cooed seductively. Lily felt lighter and happier than she had for months. It felt like some of the fear she felt had lifted. She felt almost carefree.

James suddenly grasped her tightly in his arms, pulling her down on top of him. Lily's eyes met his. 'James, we haven't got time for…..' in spite of herself she felt nervous at their closeness. She knew it was ridiculous, they had been married over two years and had a child together, but they had both been scared by how fierce their love-making had become since they discovered they were in danger. It was as if when they made love they were trying to absorb one another and push the world away. Lily remembered how the last time, James had cried afterwards.

It was the night they moved into the flat. They had been terrified again when they had a message from Dumbledore to say they needed to go, Voldemort knew where they were. He told them where the flat was and to get there as quickly as possible. They got to the flat and put Harry to bed. Then the relief of once again being safe hit them. They found themselves literally ripping one another's clothes off. The next thing they knew they were a tangle of naked bodies, feverishly grabbing and taking what they could from each other, neither of them giving anything to the other. James entered Lily so roughly she cried out in pain. James stopped as soon as he realised what he had done, then he wept and said he felt like he'd raped her. Lily tried to tell him he hadn't, she tried to tell him she had wanted him as much as he did her, but he wouldn't hear it. They had been in the flat for months now, and he hadn't done anything more than kiss her and hold her in all that time.

Now the couple gazed into each other's eyes, their bodies pressed together. Lily could tell James wanted her. He moaned softly in the back of his throat and raised a hand to run it through Lily's long red hair. Lily's heart began to pound in her chest. She could feel James's heart racing beneath her. She raised her hand and placed it over his heart and she felt him shudder under her touch. 'Oh God….Lily!' he moaned, his eyes blazing. Lily sighed, 'James, I love you so much!' she cried passionately. Their lips crashed together in a kiss so deep they both lost sense of where they were. They began to tug at one another's nightclothes…just as a shrill cry came from the other room. They both tensed, and Lily's head dropped onto James's chest. They were both out of breath. 'OK Harry! Mummy's nearly there sweetheart, I'll be there in a minute!' Lily called. James sighed and released Lily from his arms. 'I'll go love. It's about time we were getting up anyway. Sirius is coming over, and we're meeting Wormtail at the cottage to do the charm' he said, catching his breath. He got up and went to comfort Harry.

Lily got out of bed and sighed heavily. She really couldn't wait to get home and get some normality back into their lives.

Later, Lily and James had finished making all their last minute arrangements to go home. Sirius arrived, looking brighter than he had for a while. 'Right, are you sure you've got everything? You won't be able to come back once you're out of here' Sirius said, looking more mature than Lily had ever seen him. James laughed, 'Are you joking! We never want to come back here, it's a dump!'

Sirius's face became grave. 'OK, the plan is this, we can't apparate into or out of the cottage because, as we arranged, I've set up an anti-apparition charm for you, like the one Dumbledore did at school. But we can apparate as close as the garden. So, Lily, you apparate first. Wormtail will meet you outside the cottage. Go straight in when you get there. Then I'll apparate, and as we planned, I'll bring Harry. Then you apparate Prongs.' James nodded, 'Yes, and then we'll do the charm'. James stood tall and smiled reassuringly at Lily. 'All right love, it's time. Now, I know you never liked apparating, but it's OK. Just concentrate on where you want to go and you'll be fine. Sirius will be right behind you with Harry'.

Lily looked alarmed suddenly. 'Sirius you won't lose him when you're apparating, will you? You won't get yourself splinched?' Sirius smiled reassuringly, 'Look, this is me you're talking to, Sirius Black, apparator extraordinaire! You know very well I've never splinched myself in my life!' He pulled a face, as if the idea of him making a mess of apparition was out of the question. Lily frowned, 'Well just make sure you don't start now, you'll have my son with you!' James slipped an arm around Lily. 'Love it'll be fine, now come on, it's time we were gone'. He let his arm fall from Lily and she leaned up and kissed him softly before casting Sirius another warning look and apparating with a pop.

When Lily had gone, Sirius took Harry firmly in his arms. 'Right, come on then kiddo, it's our turn. Let's take you to your Mum, before she tries to come back and skins me alive for not being there by now!' The baby chuckled in Sirius's arms. 'We'll see you in a minute mate' Sirius said to James. 'Hang on, before you go…..' James spoke quickly. Sirius stopped and shook his head. 'You were the one in such a hurry to get out, so what's up now?' he laughed. James smiled lightly. 'Nothing's wrong…except….' He looked worried. Sirius groaned and rolled his eyes. 'OK, I know that look and that tone, spit it out'. James sighed, 'Well….it's just….we are doing the right thing aren't we? We are right to go home? Wormtail won't let us down, will he?' Sirius shook his head and glared. 'Look, you want to be at home, don't you, to get your lives back and give Harry some normal life?' James nodded, 'Yes, but if….' Sirius frowned, 'Look, the charm will be in place, and as for Wormtail, you know very well, if he blows this, I won't need a wand, I'll kill him with my bare hands.' James knew his best friend well enough to know he meant what he said. In spite of his anxiety he laughed. 'No, don't kill him just kick his arse for me!'

Sirius grinned, 'Speaking of arse kicking, Lily will be after mine if I don't get there soon. See you in a minute' and he apparated.

James took one last look at the flat he hated so much and then he apparated. In spite of his worry he couldn't wait to be back in his own home with his wife and child.

James arrived at the cottage a few moments later. He could see it had hardly changed in the year they had been away. There was a layer of dust on the windows and the garden was a bit overgrown, but other than that, it was exactly as it was when they left.

When James walked away from the apparition point he realised that Sirius and Lily were still standing on the doorstep. Lily was holding Harry in her arms and Sirius looked mad with anger. James ran over to them. 'What's going on? I thought we were meeting Wormtail and going inside straight away' James said, his eyes meeting Sirius's. Sirius emitted a sound like a growl. 'Wormtail promised he'd be here, and he isn't!' He rolled one of his hands into a fist and punched the other. 'If that idiot has let you down, God help me, I'll….!' Lily pulled Harry closer to herself as she looked anxiously at James. 'I don't like this. I don't think we ought to be outside with Harry like this much longer. James if we're seen…..' Sirius interrupted as James was about to speak. 'Lils, let's just get inside for now. Any one of us can do the unlocking spell on the door, and then lets give that idiot five more minutes, and if he still isn't here I'll….I'll just have to be your Secret Keeper. But I swear if that happens, the last thing I do before I go into hiding is kill that stupid little…..' Sirius broke off from plotting Peter Pettigrew's demise when someone suddenly apparated amongst them. 'Where the bloody hell have you been!' demanded Sirius, to Peter Pettigrew.

Peter Pettigrew was a short plump man with buckteeth. He looked at Sirius and James nervously. 'I'm sorry….I'm sorry…I got er…delayed' he said, shifting anxiously from one foot to the other. Sirius growled. 'Well while you've been messing about we've been stood here waiting for you, now let's get inside!' he glared. James exchanged a look with Lily before he stepped forward, waved his wand and let them all into the cottage.