Actions Have Consequences or Rewards.
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: This is Totally AU; Beckett has found a new love, Castle is hiding a deadly secret, Takes place after the punch to the stomach in Headhunters.
Taking Literary License to fill in the blanks.
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
**************************************************************************/
Chapter 9
Rick's Loft
Same Time
Franny smiled, so much as to say, you got this, then began reading the paper, or Rick thought. She was watching him out of the corner of the eye praying she hadn't pushed him from the pot directly into the fire. He had to decide one way or the other, rip the band-aid off so to speak. She knew that after she sent JD, AKA Josh, packing she still cried for weeks. If Rick hadn't been in her life, she really doesn't know what she would have done.
She watched as Rick began to smooth several yellow legal pad sheets out in front of him. He finally got them all together, the way he wanted, she could see his hands shake. She was back in a moment with three fingers of his single malt whiskey,
"Here Luv, I never said it would be easy, just that you had to do it" she leaned in to kiss his cheek, but he caught the corner of her lips, and sent a bolt of lightning down her spine.
He began to read,
"Dear Rick,
"I've tried to call you, and I'm sorry for the number of entries on your missed call log. I realize you're sending my calls straight to voice mail, and I don't blame you. I know you are hurt, angry, and as Kevin told me humiliated by my actions with ADA Gonzalez, as any man would be. I'm sorry, there are no other words to say except I screwed up, again, and I truly am sorry.
YOU THINK? He thought as he read the first paragraph, HUMILIATED wasn't the word, his writer friends had really let him have it for wasting so much time on her, and hurting his career. Their comments had been truthful but that didn't make the words hurt any less. The one line from Patterson hurt the worst, "Guess you thought wrong Ricky, looks like she's into men, just not you" as he thought back to the others. Truth hurts, he thought.
"Thank you for your support with Mr. Mayor, and the brass at One PP, I really thought my police career was over, as it should have been. Why Rick? Why did you defend me? According to Mr. Mayor and the Commissioner, I was DOA but you fought for me, Why would you do that after how I acted?"
She was grateful for him saving her ass, but still didn't know why? She risked her career to jump Slaughter's case, for him, as he told Weldon, not many cops would do that. He happened to be right, but if he hadn't been able to prove it, then she would have faced severe punishment.
"Up to a few days ago I felt very close to you like we were finally getting to a point where we could tell each other what we both already know, I love you Rick, and I know you love me. You don't have to say it, I have finally opened my eyes, like so many have told me to do for years, and I know love when I feel it. This was just your latest example, you fought Mr. Mayor for my career because you do love me, not that I deserved to be saved.
He started reading the next paragraph, and knew exactly the time frame she was speaking of, the moments before Ryan gathered the troops, he was about to tell her, he didn't want to go to his grave feeling the way he did about her, but timing as always wasn't on their side.
He took a breath then saw the words on the paper, WHAT? He gasped loudly, and Franny was right next to him, holding him, his head against her breasts, telling him to breathe with her, deep, now let it out, apparently, he had suffered a panic attack when he read the next line.
"I love you Rick, and I know you love me" there it was out in the open, the words that she had kept hidden for so long.
Why was she writing this now? She confessed to Lopez she remembered everything, and now she says she loves me? Who does that to someone they love, then lie about it for months, even years? Is that really love?
She went on about what she should have done and how sorry, and making the decision for his cancer surgery then she told him how she was greeted by Gina and Paula, the snide comment about how much they still cared for each other he could have done without. It was almost a backhanded slap about how much Gina and he loved each other, which he never denied, and always pointed out, they would never try it again.
He was reading on and on then he came to the paragraph where she just came out and asked him,
"What really happened Rick? I feel as though you're punishing me for something I did or didn't do. Is this really how we want things to be between us? PLEASE at least have the courtesy to let me know what I did that caused you to act the way you did. I didn't hook up with the ADA until after you worked the case with Slaughter and made no qualms about how you were done working as my partner.
His own mother had told him he owed Beckett an explanation for his behavior, perhaps they both were right but why would that justify sleeping with a co-worker when you're so close to me, what universe does that exit in? It sounded as if, and perhaps her being a lady wouldn't be so crude, but she was using Paul just as she used Demming for 'Revenge Sex', to make him feel or sense what he was losing out on.
The only problem with that excuse, how the hell do you know what you've lost if you never had it to begin with? They had never made love, never kissed, hell, never had much more than verbal sexual sparring. He read the next paragraph and thought what a line of Bull Shit, she may be telling herself this, but he wasn't buying.
If you're angry with someone you don't seek out a Fuck Buddy to resolve issues, that didn't make any sense at all. IF he answered her this was one section, he was going to call her on, it didn't make sense no matter how he looked at it.
"If I'm being honest, it was more physical than emotional Rick. I'm a woman, I have needs, and even though I don't broadcast it, I missed the male attention that you paid me. Even if it was only a look or a simple cup of coffee, I hung on to those, it was enough until you ripped it away, and I don't even know what I did. I admit part of the reasoning to even go out with Gonzales was my anger at you, which was as childish as your actions.
He read the line, What Did I Do, well, he would have to tell her. It seemed like one of New York's finest detectives hadn't figured out lukewarm coffee, his sudden absence, and her interrogation of a pickpocket, admitting that she remembered, "EVERY SINGLE MINUTE" of her shooting, all tied together to answer her question.
What did I do? YOU LIED, OVER AND OVER! He wanted to scream it but was calmed down with another trip from Franny holding him for a few minutes. She was beginning to regret encouraging him to read the letter at all.
"I realize now that I should have taken the high road, and pinned you down, even if I had to resort to the same actions that you have done to me. Please answer the question, Rick, what did I do? If you want me out of your life, then all you need to do is tell me. I know you're not coming back to the precinct; the commissioner was very clear about that.
He read the next line, where she would always be there for him, I guess she forgot about the time she was indisposed, not even answering official police calls from dispatch, she was too busy fucking her new interest, Paul. As far as he was concerned it was all bull shit, just another lie to make herself feel better.
"I hope you know it, but in case you don't, Rick, I'm here for you if you need anything at any time, day or night, Always.
The last paragraph presented him with a dilemma, should he tell her to go to hell, and never speak to her again, or should he turn the other cheek, again. How many times was she going to make a fool of him before he learned? It wasn't as if he couldn't get women, hell, Franny told him she was his, body, mind, and soul anytime and as long as he wanted her. After the way, she looked in a bikini that offer was getting harder to resist.
Then she ended the letter with the same words, he would have given his fortune away to hear a short time ago, I love you, how could she, did she even know what love was? Good questions, as usual, more questions than answers. He decided to respond to her letter.
He had read hers with deep thought, and with the help of Franny had gotten over a few areas of panic, she asked, now she would know exactly what she did. She wasn't going to like it, but as long as the letter wasn't cruel or disrespectful, he deserved for her to hear his side of the story. Just as he had told Francy early on, "it's not all about you" there are others being hurt,"
He took a deep breath, and placed the papers away from him, Franny was in his lap, before he even knew it,
"Rick, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you Luv, I'm so sorry," as tears poured from her eyes,
"Hey, hey, what's this all about, I'm ok, and you were right to push me, thanks Luv, I needed that. He kissed her tears from each eye, and as she looked up at him, their lips met, for a moment, but it felt good. He felt wanted, so he kissed her again, but after a make-out session to rival high school students, she pulled back gently,
"Rick, I'm not her, I love your kisses, but only when you're kissing me, not Kate." She kissed him quickly again and slipped away to the chair in the living room.
"God, Franny, I'm so sorry, I'm an ass, I"
"Stop, you're not an ass, you're the sweetest man I know. If you recall, I did the same to you when I tossed slimeball, I needed to know that someone, a man still desired me. You did that, so thank you Luv.
"You are desired Rick, not tonight, but if you ever get over her, come to me, I'll take you no strings attached, and to hell with the past. OK?" she sealed her words with a short smack on the lips, and announced I'm going to my room, but Rick, call me if you need or want anything,
He watched one of the sweetest women he had ever met walk away from him, and up the stairs, he had to get closure to this Beckett issue so he could move on. There was no doubt that Franny could satisfy him, the only question was how soon could he if ever, purge Beckett from his mind.
He walked to his office, fired up his laptop, it felt comfortable to be here again. Opened a blank word document and started typing his thoughts to Beckett, out loud and on paper. It was a writing technique called Power Writing, where you wrote any and everything that came to your mind, phase 1.
In the next phase you would go back and try to organize the thoughts into some structure, still not paying attention to punctuation, or grammar, then Edit phase where you cleaned up the work and finally re-write, where you followed your initial revised result into the POWER theory of writing, Plan, Organize, Write, Edit, Rewrite into something that could convey your deepest thoughts.
He started the letter like any other letter, with the addressee,
"Dear Detective Beckett,
First, thank you for your letter, and you weren't being ignored, if you had listened closely to my entire voice mail, you would have also heard the last statement, "I won't be returning any calls until further notice," I guess you hung up before you heard that, the short song was the lead into my final statement, I'm sorry I wasn't clearer. I have no desire to speak to anyone other than those who see me on a regular basis, I'm still dealing with some fallout from the incident, and the discoveries it brought to my life.
"Bob was acting out of anger and shock, you, nor anyone should be the victim of those actions, so he and I had discussions about what occurred, blame, and corrective actions. You're welcome but if you think I saved your career, you're giving me far too much credit, I only prevented Bob from acting in haste. I urged him to measure all the good your team has accomplished, and temper any mistakes against that, nothing more.
"I agree, at least from my perspective we were seconds away, at least I was from telling you things I had hidden in my heart for years, things I felt that you needed to know before something similar to the innocent people who lost their lives simply living life, through no fault of their own happened to one of us. THEN Kevin and the interruption, we should be used to it, after almost four years, have we ever been able to have a true conversation from the heart at the precinct?
"I was sincere and but for Ryan appearing when he did you would know the secrets I still hold deep inside, but as I said after the case, it's nothing important, at least to you, not anymore. We lost the moment, and I'm afraid much more. I am guilty and assume as much blame for that as you, but there is a reason Detective, people don't wake up with a whole new perspective on life without some event triggering it.
"I will be honest with you, when I read your confession of love, the words, I love you, Rick, I had a panic attack, one that lasted for quite some time. Another fact now that I've admitted is that I suffer from PTSD and I have been in therapy for quite some time.
"I always felt that I needed to hide that fact, that somehow it would make me less of a man, a person. I've realized from our time together at the precinct that no matter how hard one party works to change, it takes both people to have anything more than a working, or courteous personal relationship. I truly think YOU think YOU love ME, but Detective, I question now if you even know what love is, harsh, perhaps, if so, I'm sorry, it's my opinion.
"You asked a legitimate question Detective, "What really happened Rick? Then you explained that you felt as if I were trying to punish you for something you either did or failed to do. I'm sorry to say that you're correct, I acted childish, trying to ignore you, hooking up with Slaughter (over your objections) even though they were conveyed through Esposito and Ryan, not you directly. Moot point, you warned me, I didn't listen and we both paid the price.
"I'm sorry I acted like a petulant child Detective, BUT I question the timing of your physical involvement with the ADA. All of us have sparks that fly occasionally, but it takes at least a few minutes to get a fire roaring as large as the one you two were enjoying.
"If I set that point aside, you still are faced with trying to figure out WHY I acted in such a fashion. I'll offer one of New York's finest detectives a few clues. Your suspect is in the box, you interrogating, your partner shows up with a steaming cup of coffee, leaves it on your desk, as he observes you interrogate Bobby Lopez.
"When you finish the interrogation, you return to your desk to find a lukewarm cup of coffee and a message that your partner had to go somewhere suddenly. NOW, is the lightbulb coming on Detective? My actions, although immature, I admit, were never designed as a type of punishment towards you, but rather a reaction to what I had been told a lie about for almost two years. It hurts to discover the person you trusted with your life, literally, has lied to you about something as important as, well I'm sure you'll figure it out.
"You mentioned in your letter one reason for even beginning a relationship with Gonzales was because you were angry with me and my actions. I will admit you had every right to be upset, hell pissed off to no end at me.
"I don't think your actions compared to mine are comparable in any stretch of the imagination. In review: I get hurt by you, which by now I hope you have figured out why, so I take up with a MALE cop, over your warnings and objections. The end scene is ugly and I come begging you for your help on the case, which you did risk your career on by helping me.
"The rogue cop punches me on his way out, I stupidly wave off medical attention, and you just as stupidly allow me to as if I was just another person on the street, someone you had no feelings for at all. The brass get all twisted up with a knee-jerk reaction because I didn't allow medical treatment, and you didn't fulfill the duties of your office by forcing me if need be, even if I was just your friend.
"Please tell me Detective how those actions, as childish, and immature as they are on my part, with help from your negligence compare to sleeping with the ADA on the highest-profile case in recent New York history?
"You don't wind up in a man's bed Detective without wanting to be there, and there is no comparison to your sexual gratification and my flirtations, I don't believe that for one moment. I've been accused of being a playboy by many, but I never recall an instance when I wake up and think gee, there's a woman in my bed, how did that happen?
"I think you have written a beautiful letter, which if all true would be a great start to opening a dialogue to repair hurt feelings, even if the end result ended in only friends between the man and woman. If we look at the facts, and motivating factors, yes, I was an ASS, that's already been established, but trying to denigrate your actions by your letter just builds on what our relationship has been based on all this time, one lie after another by you.
"I do thank you for making the decision for the surgery, there was once a time, even recently, when I would have trusted you with not only my life, but my entire families', but not any longer. I can't live a lie, and you have told so many I really don't know where you would start to rectify them. Think about it, back from day one, if you want a list of the lies, I have them, Detective. I had forgiven you for them, but well, some things are almost impossible to forgive.
"I owed you a response to your correspondence, so this is that response. I don't know what your expectations are from this letter, that one I love you, one I'm sorry, (AGAIN), is going to make me forgive the hurt, humiliation, and rebuild the trust between us? I'm glad you're going back to see your therapist; I've called mine for additional time since the latest life developments have occurred.
"I have spoken to both Paula and Gina about their behavior, and tone of voice, and for them, I apologize, but in reality, ICE should contact family members, even my ex-wife Gina in my case. She will always be family, you knew that from conversations not only with me but also with Alexis who looks upon her as her Mom. I didn't appreciate the cold dig about our closeness in your letter, at least I know when she tells me something it's the truth.
"As I said, I have no idea of why you wrote the letter, other than perhaps from an assignment from your therapist, yes, I have written similar ones as well, but it's only courteous to respond. Detective, you said that If I asked you would stay out of my life, a life that is still evolving as we speak. I have no idea of how much longer I have, or what the quality of that life will be.
"I do know that I have things I want to do, none which involve going to a crime scene in the middle of the night, or spending countless hours in a police precinct. Let me be polite and just say, you live your life Detective, I'll try to live mine, and should our paths happen to cross, we can look back at the time we spent working on cases as part of our enjoyable past. Courtesy is not costly, nor is honesty,
Sincerely,
Rc
TBC
Reviews with respectable comments are welcome, I delete any profane or degrading messages. Thanks and Happy Holidays, Tim
