Chapter 2
"Oohh…I like this one. It's nice and shiny." Katie picked up a gun from a broken display case, looking over it with careful eyes while ignoring the alarm blaring nonstop in the background.
"Don't worry about that," Selana said from behind her. "It'll get dull eventually."
"NO! I want a gun that will never get old and dull."
"Well if you polish it every day like I do mine, I'm sure it'll stay that shiny for you, Sparkle Girl." Selana rolled her eyes.
"Great! I'll take it."
"Now off to get ourselves a car…"
"Wait, Sel," Katie said, grabbing her friend's arm. "Inspiration just struck. How about we just go straight to Wayne Manor and steal the Batmobile? Or at least a Mustang from his garage…"
"Kats, you are my favorite partner." Selana said with a smile on her face.
Just then, they both heard the screech of car wheels going way too fast around a turn.
"What's that?" Katie asked.
"I…think…they found us. Maybe they aren't amateurs, after all." Selana went to the front door, opened it, and looked outside. After a second she had closed the door and locked it. "We don't have much time to scram."
"Where do we go!" Katie exclaimed, obviously panicked.
"I guess the best way would be through the roof," Selana answered in the calmest voice she could.
"Selana. You and I both know very well that I am not capable of flying. And neither are you!" Katie said, hands on her hips in an angry fashion.
"That's not what I meant! There have to be some stairs or something to get to the roof. We gotta find 'em!"
"I have another idea!" Katie exclaimed.
Selana glared at her. "Oh, always the thinker, are we?"
"I'm serious, Sel! We can go out the back..."
"And go around to the front…"
"And steal the Batmobile…"
"And wreak more havoc on the city! But like I said, we gotta hurry…" Selana sprinted to the back of the store, Katie close behind.
Both villainesses burst out the back door just as the front door was broken down. But neither girl stopped to look back. Instead, they went around the store to the front, stifling laughter when they saw the Batmobile parked half on the curb, both doors wide open and the engine on. Selana mouthed to Katie that she would take the driver's seat for now; she'd stolen it before with Joker when she was younger and knew how to drive it. They got in the Batmobile, shut the doors as quietly as they could, and got their seat belts on.
"Get ready, Kats," Selana whispered as she put her foot on the gas pedal, but didn't push down.
"I'm ready, I'm ready!" Katie whispered back excitedly. "Just hurry up! You said we didn't have much time."
"All right, I'm gettin' there! Keep your pants on." Selana put her hands on the steering wheel and slammed her foot on the gas pedal.
"…um…Sel? I don't hear the screeching of wheels…" Katie said slowly after a few moments.
"Well…we just haven't gone around any turns yet."
"We're not even moving."
"How dare you say that! My foot's on the gas pedal, right? The keys are in the ignition, right? We're prob'ly just going so fast we can't tell," Selana said with more than a hint of nervousness.
"Selana, face it. We've just been outsmarted. It's probably a phony set of keys."
Just then, the roof of the Batmobile went up and back, revealing the night sky. And two very proud-looking vigilantes. "That's right. Only these keys will actually work the Batmobile," one of them said, holding up a key chain with almost a dozen keys attached.
"Should have known," Selana said slowly, "Those have Bat symbols on them…" Selana was kind of scared of Batman's temporary replacements. The one that spoke had a German accent, which sent shivers up her spine, and she could barely see anything of him but a dark outline and two glowing yellow eyes. She could see that he had a tail or something, and he only had three fingers; he was probably a meta. The other one had long red hair—maybe he was a hippie?—and a sword at his side. He wore a baggy shirt and pants, making him look pretty feminine—maybe he was…gay?—and he had scars on his face. But that wasn't going to stop her from getting what she wanted.
"Is there a reason you stole my car keys?" Selana asked in the most innocent voice she could.
"Wait a second. Your car keys? You must be mistaken, fraulein; this car belongs to the Batman."
"You must be the mistaken ones. See, we're close friends of Batman's, and we have permission to commandeer this vehicle. Right, Katie?"
The red-haired dude spoke up. "Katie?" he asked quietly, staring at her, then got down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"
Katie stared right back with a confused expression on her face. "Well…I'm flattered and all—"
Before she could finish, Selana had snatched the keys out of the German one's hand with expert criminal skill and had thrown out the phony keys, replacing them with the right ones. "Like I said, boys, we got a tight schedule to keep to, and we really must be going. Catch you for coffee later or something, right? Right." She turned on the engine and slammed on the gas pedal. They were gone in less than a second.
"Hey, Sel? Is it just me or did that seem really easy?" Katie asked after they had been cruising around Gotham for a few minutes.
Selana didn't answer at first; she was busy trying to avoid the cars that were too slow for her taste. Unfortunately for them, she gave up trying to pass them and just let them get hit by the Batmobile. If it got scratched up…it wasn't their problem. "Of course it was easy, Kats! They're rookies. And anyways…I think they're gay."
Katie looked shocked. "Why do you say that?"
"Didja see what RHSD was wearing? He's so gay!"
"RHSD?"
Selana shrugged. "Since we don't know their names, I decided to name them for our benefit. The creepy dude wearing spandex is Mutated Kittie, and the other dude is Red-Haired Sword-Dude. So thus, they are MK and RHSD."
"Oh. Well, I don't think so. I mean…sure he looks it, but in case you missed, he kinda proposed to me. And I don't think I look manly."
Selana looked Katie up and down for a moment. "No, ya don't. So that means MK is the feminine one." Selana shuddered. "Metas creep me out."
Katie nodded. "Me too! Let's avoid them until Batman gets back!"
"That could be kinda hard…we did steal their transportation, and I bet they're just itching to get it back…"
"I can't believe we were just outsmarted by those girls!"
"'We'?" Kenshin smiled. "This one believes it was you who gave the keys away."
Kurt glared at Kenshin. "I didn't give them away. I was distracted when you proposed to Katie. Man, it's cold out here. How're we gonna get back to Wayne Manor?"
"We could flag down a taxi."
"Looking like this? No way. I say we just walk and hope we get back before sunrise. Or we could phone Alfred and ask him to pick us up." Kurt looked around for a pay phone. "You got any cash?"
"No." Kenshin sighed. "We'd better start walking if we want to get back before the night is over."
When Katie and Selana finally arrived home after a night of driving like madwomen all over Gotham, they both agreed that life was a lot better when Batman was gone. Selana had never stolen the Batmobile without her father or mother's help, and Katie had never gotten very close to it period.
"Hey, Kats, we need a good team name. Like Bats and Robin are the Dynamic Duo. We should have something like that to sound professional. No, no, it's the other way! Wax on, wax off." Since Katie had a new gun, Selana was showing her how to properly take care of one.
"How about the Devilish Duo? Or…E.V.I.L.?"
"A lot of villains are evil."
"I know! But I mean like off of Spongebob. Every Villain Is Lemons? Ya know?" Katie quickly flipped her gun over to start on the other side.
"Oh. But people will get that screwed up with regular normal evil. We gotta have something that jumps out and bites ya in the butt." Selana sighed and sat down in a chair next to Katie's, starting to polish her own gun so that she didn't have to waste valuable time doing it during the day.
"I think that Selana and Katie is threatening enough."
"But people hear that and think that we're pansies or something."
Katie looked up from her work for a moment, biting her lower lip as she thought. "Maybe we should ask Suda for a title."
Selana smiled mischievously. "What are we waiting for? Let's go!"
For the many of you readers who do not know, Allison Suda a.k.a. Sudafed the Great is a legendary Prophesier or Seer who is extremely wise, can occasionally see the future, and is able to look at other people's memories. Though she grew up honoring Batman, she has chosen to side with her friends. No one in the Bat clan really knows about her because she only helps out Katie and Selana; she doesn't actually do any villainous things.
Selana knocked on the door, wishing Suda would answer a little quicker because it was actually pretty darn cold for Gotham City that night. Katie stood beside her, staring in wonder at the door—she'd never actually been to Sudafed's house. To her, it was the greatest thing that had happened since she'd been carefully chosen to be Selana's partner in crime.
Finally the door opened a crack and they both heard someone ask, "Who's there?"
Selana grinned. "Ya know it's me, Suda! No one else has the guts to wake ya up this early!"
The door opened all the way and a half-asleep Allison waved them in.
After they had gotten inside and Selana and Katie explained why they had come, Suda insisted that there was no way she could help unless she was awake. So, she went about making herself and her guests coffee, eating a quick breakfast, taking a cold shower, and changing out of her pajamas before she sat before them with a bright smile on her face. "So, how can I help my favorite criminals?"
"We need a good title. I don't think I have to explain it; you always seem to know what I mean anyways."
Allison thought for a moment. "First of all, what makes you think you actually need one?"
Katie smiled slightly. "That's what I said…"
"Secondly, you're taking this pretty seriously considering the fact that you don't take anything seriously. Trying to impress someone, are we?"
"No!" Selana held out her hand. "Here, look! You can see for yourself who's keeping Gotham safe while the Bat is gone."
Katie nodded enthusiastically and held her hand out, too. Sudafed took both of their hands, sighing as she did so. "I only just woke up, you two. And this is something I just learned how to do a few months ago."
"Aw, c'mon. It was just a few minutes that we saw them. Sel drove off before I could get a real good look at RHSD."
Allison gave her a strange look. "Well, I guess I'll find out when I see." She closed her eyes. "Now remember back to when you saw them. Don't fidget so much, you two. That makes it a lot harder."
Katie and Selana both closed their eyes, thinking back to when they had met MK and RHSD earlier that night. Selana was used to doing this; Suda was mildly obsessed with Batman and she liked to watch Selana's run-ins with him after it had taken place. But since this was all new to Katie, it was a little harder for her to take hold of a memory and think of only that. Her short attention span didn't help much, either.
But, despite that, Sudafed was done in a few short minutes. She let go of Selana and Katie's hands, opened her eyes, and sat for what seemed like forever thinking in silence.
Finally, Katie spoke up. "So, what do you think?"
Allison smiled slightly. "Well…all I can think to say is…don't ya want to know their real names? I mean, MK and RHSD? Isn't that kinda low?"
Selana smiled back. "To the first question: No. To the second question: Of course, why not? And to the third question: No! People give each other nicknames all the time. We don't call you Sudafed for nothin'!"
Suda's smile faded. "I know, I know. I bet you'll find out what their real names are someday. In fact, I'm a hundred percent sure of it."
Katie finally spoke up. "Wow! That's amazing! How can you do that?"
"Well, it's common sense, really. I mean, you're gonna be seeing these guys almost every night for at least a few days, and young men like that are bound to be attracted to you, so it's pretty inevitable that they'll tell you their names. And you might even get a free phone number or address thrown in."
"That is so cool! I wish I were that smart!" Katie's eyes were wide with amazement now.
"You have the potential, you know. You just have to use you're head like I do, and—"
"Oh, no you don't!" Selana butted in. "I'm not gonna let you ruin my perfectly good partner. If Kats starts thinkin' straight like you, she might become obsessed with Batman like you did. And I'm not ready to go solo again!"
"Are you saying that Sudafed the Great used to be your partner?" Katie asked.
"See? Not even an hour with you and she's figurin' out stuff like that!"
"Don't worry, Sel. I don't think anyone can help Katie."
Katie stared at Allison for a moment. "Was that an insult?"
Suda laughed. "See what I mean?"
"I think that's the cue that we should get goin'. Anyways, it looked like there were gonna be early morning showers and I don't want the Batmobile to get rusted or anything." Selana said, standing up and motioning for Katie to follow her lead.
"All right, I guess I'll let you leave. There's something else I wanted to tell you, though. Tonight, Wonder Woman is going to Wayne Manor to look for Bats. I guess he forgot to tell the JL that he would be gone. And I know you've always wanted her lasso, Sel. Good luck getting it."
Selana smirked. "Thanks for the info, Suda. Next time you see me, I will have that lasso on my belt. And I'll give Katie that tiara, too. The Amazon Princess will fall! And I'd love to see Batsy's face when he gets back and finds out…"
