Disclaimer: If I owned X, Sei-chan would be gagged and bound with nothing to eat but coffee and M&Ms under my bed. But alas…we cannot all have our wishes…
Weee! Five Red Bulls, three bowls of Rainbow Sherbet, and several bags of Hershey's chocolate later, I'm back with another sugar-fueled chapter. Let the games begin!
Luv,
Kakyou-luverx
Ch.5 Poor Subaru
Location: Outside Dr. Oswald Satyn's Office
"What do you mean he's not seeing anyone?" cried a very distressed Subaru.
The receptionist blew on her freshly-painted manicure calmly. "Dr. Satyn's having another psychotic episode, and for the safety of the public, we cannot let anyone in." She smirked at him. "However, I'd be happy to doctor you anytime…"
Subaru slammed his hands on her desk. "You don't understand! I'm losing my mind! I can't take it anymore!"
"Yeah, yeah, they all say that, sugar." She leaned in closer to him. "Let me guess…unsatisfied with your sex life?" ;)
"I don't have time for this! I'm going insane!" screamed Subaru.
The receptionist sighed. "All right, I'll see what I can do. Why don't you calm down and go watch some TV in the waiting area?"
Subaru trembled as he folded his arms. "She's right…I need to relax…just breathe in and out…and besides, I'm in a mental hospital, nothing bad can happen."
He sat down in front of the Television. "'One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest' will be back after the following messages. The screen blinked into the newest Quizno's Sub commercial as two deformed, aborted rodents on sticks danced in front of a store. 'We love the subs!'"
Subaru howled. "NO! IT'S STARTING AGAIN! I NEED HELP!" He burst into the Doctor's office before the receptionist could say a word. "Make the hallucinations stop!"
Dr. Satyn cried in a dark corner petting a broken Karaoke machine. "And then…the Nataku just stared…stared with those hideous eyes! I can't stand it…it just makes me want to SING!"
Subaru blinked. "Doctor?" he whispered timidly.
The Doctor glared at him from the darkness. "Quiet Mother! I don't wanna become a doctor! I'm going to be a champion pop star and then we'll see who was right! Don't 'wash-your-hands-for-dinner, dear' me! Well I don't care if it's Mongoose, I'm not hungry!"
"Doctor, are you all right?"
"Stop calling me Doctor!" Dr. Satyn emerged from the shadows wearing a pointy hat made of aluminum foil. "I am the Lizard King!"
"No! No more illusions!" whimpered Subaru. He turned to the door only to find that it had locked when he closed it.
"THE NATAKU! DESTROY THE NATAKU!" screeched Dr. Satyn.
Subaru pounded on the door. "LET ME OUT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GOING INSANE?" He suddenly fell forward as the door swung open, landing at the feet of the receptionist.
She stared. "You were turning the doorknob the wrong way, hon."
"When will these wild, uncontrollable, homicidal hallucinations end?" cried Subaru.
The receptionist laughed. "Wild, uncontrollable, homicidal hallucinations? Is that all? And here I was about to call Solitary and haul you away." She pouted. "Although those white jackets would have really worked with that overcoat you have on…"
Subaru looked up at her with hope. "You can get rid of the illusions?"
She pulled out a bottle of pills from the desk. "You only need to take these pills whenever you're having an episode, and they can be yours if you're willing to work for them…" she added seductively.
The Onmyouji had snatched the bottle from her hand before she could blink, and examined it. On it was the picture of a wizard in a straightjacket holding a syringe while winking back at him as he carefully read the text below:
The Wacky Wizard's Magic Crazy-B-gone.
Stops all insanity-related hallucinations 30 times faster than Advil brands.
Does not repel ranting mothers or hairy uncles. Doubles as rat cyanide.
May cause liver failure and Syphilis…
Warning: do not use when intoxicated or will worsen hallucinations
He hugged the bottle. "I'm cured! I can now embrace life with confidence and control! I am the wind!" Subaru exclaimed as he walked out of the office.
"Wait! Don't you want some tea or a love child or something?" exclaimed the receptionist. She sighed in defeat, and sat back down at the desk. "There escapes another hot crazy…great job Madelyn…" she chastised herself.
Dr. Satyn wildly slashed a tin foil sword in the air. "THE NATAKU! BEWARE THE NATAKU!"
Location: Looney Lenny's Pillow Depot
"Yes, officer, that's right! There's a madman tearing and vandalizing all the pillow tags in the store! He's armed and dangerous!" cried a pillow salesman into the phone receiver.
Fuuma sat on an enormous mountain of pillows, surrounded by tags. "HUAHAHAHAHA! Look Mr. Chaos! See how they tremble before our ultimate destruction?"
"For the last time!" shouted the store manager into a megaphone. "Come down and pay for all the damage or suffer a pillow fight beyond your most hellish nightmares!"
"Who dares challenge the wrath of Mr. Chaos?" cackled Fuuma as he pointed the marker at the manager.
The manager fell to the ground. "HIT THE FLOOR! HE'S AIMING THE WEAPON!"
Fuuma picked up a pillow and held the tip of Mr. Chaos to its 'throat'. "One false move and the pillow gets it!"
The other salesman gasped. "No! You villain, don't you hurt Stephanie!"
They were locked in a climatic stalemate of evil versus good, a harrowing hostage situation of which there could be no winner when—
"Daddy! I found you!" exclaimed Nataku.
"Nataku, quickly! Vanquish the filthy pillow rats!" commanded Fuuma.
Nataku blinked. "I must talk to you about my feelings, Daddy." It glanced back at its notepad. "I feel…used and angry when I do evil to please you. If you love me…" It sweat-dropped and stared several moments more at the scribbled writing. "You will accept me for who I am…"
The Manager and Salesman were crying together. "Aww…"
Fuuma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Nataku, that's swell…I guess it's up to you, Mr. Chaos!"
Nataku's eyes trembled as it stared at the marker with envy. "Mr. Chaos?"
The marker dug into the pillow's throat, staining the fabric as it slid across. The Salesman screamed. "STEPHANIE NO!" He fell to his knees. "And her bat-mitzvah was this Saturday! Why?"
Fuuma stroked the marker. "Excellent, Mr. Chaos. How I love you…"
Nataku gaped as tears welled up in its eyes. "You never say that to me…" It flipped through the notepad, trying to find anything in its session with the Doctor to help. "Very well, Daddy…I've decided to run away to become a Karaoke pop star and prove you wrong."
"How nice for you, Nataku…" dismissed Fuuma.
"I will travel far, far away to a strange and isolated land across the world…" continued Nataku.
Fuuma sighed impatiently. "That's great, Nataku."
"…to the remote and perilous land of Tennessee," finished Nataku. It walked to the door. "Farewell, Daddy."
"Finally!" exclaimed Fuuma. "Now what was that you were trying to say, Mr. Chaos?" He pressed his ear to the marker. "Yes, I sense it, too. The Promised Day has come. I must do inky battle with the Pink Menace and claim the city as my own! Come, Mr. Chaos, we are going!" He paused and stared at the marker. "What do you mean I'm overbearing? I destroyed this pillow shop so I get to decide when we leave…" He averted his eyes guiltily from the marker. "…yes, dear. I'm sorry, dear…what if I took you out to that new French restaurant tomorrow to make it up to you?...Great."
Fuuma turned to the two employees of the pillow store. "Step aside, mortals! Unless you dare to do battle against Mr. Chaos!" They stepped back wordlessly. Fuuma threw his head back laughing. "DESTINY AWAITS US! MWAHAHAHAHAHA—OUCH!" All of the sudden, Fuuma's neck cramped up. "Mr. Chaos! I've got more owies!"
Location: A Park outside Downtown Tokyo
Subaru breathed in deeply as he walked along the field. "What a beautiful day! The children are playing, the trees aren't radioactive mutant monsters, and—oh!" He bent down to pick up something on the ground. "And I just found a penny! Life sure is good when you're sane! I think a nice walk in the park is exactly what I—"
"My Fairy King! I have found you at last!" screamed Kamui as he skipped across the field in his pink dress.
Subaru hung his head. "Oh no…it's starting again…" he frantically patted the pockets of his overcoat. "Damn! Where'd I put those pills?"
"Suby-kun! I will protect you!" shouted Seishirou, who was charging at him from the other side. "Back, you vile pink duck!"
"Seishirou-san? What are you doing in my psychotic hallucination?" whispered Subaru. It wasn't long until Subaru found himself between Kamui and Seishirou.
"Who're you calling a pink duck, you one-eyed, lizard-faced cretin?" hissed Kamui.
Seishirou sneered back. "YOU, you unsightly pink monstrosity!"
Kamui stuck his tongue out. "Sticks and stones, you revolting buffoon!"
"I am rubber and you are glue! Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!" spat back Seishirou.
"Why can't I find the pills?" cried Subaru.
Kamui folded his arms in a huff. "Well, it doesn't matter what you say, because this is MY Fairy King!"
Seishirou pulled Subaru into his arms. "No, he's mine!"
"MINE!" screamed Kamui as he grabbed Subaru from Seishirou's grasp. "Come with me, my King, and you shall reign over the inferior pixies of this land!"
"Oh yeah?" Seishirou took Subaru back. "Well I'm going to protect him from the ducks, so there!"
Kamui grabbed Subaru's arm while Seishirou held onto the other. "He's coming with me!"
"No, me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"ME!"
"DEAR GOD DELIVER ME FROM THIS PLAGUE!" screamed Subaru as he was tossed back and forth between them.
"HE'LL BE GOING WITH ME!" growled Seishirou. With all his strength he pulled Subaru away from Kamui, wrapped his arms around him, and kissed him passionately on the lips.
Subaru blushed and his jaw dropped. "S-Seishirou-san?" But just as he spoke those words his thoughts began to fade from his floating mind.
Kamui clenched his fists angrily. "You dirty man-slut! You leave him alone right now so he can choose me!"
"He's going to choose me!" retorted Seishirou. He turned to Subaru. "Go on, show the little urchin!"
Subaru stared forward empty-mindedly. "I choose…I choose…"
Suddenly a man wheeled past a cart of Happy Bob's Sugary-Sweet Ice Cream. "I choose Ice Cream!" exclaimed Subaru happily. "ICE CREAM!" Upon realizing that a man was charging after his cart, the ice cream vendor sprinted with the cart in tow. "COME BACK! Ice cream! I need yooooooouuuuuuu!"
Kamui and Seishirou stared after him in silence until Kamui stepped forward. "That vile maggot, Happy Bob and his sugary-sweet cream of ice have stolen my King!"
Seishirou held out his fist. "REVENGE! Together we shall unite forces and make that sad creature, Happy Bob rue the day he stole our man! Come, Pink-headed scoundrel! We fly!"
Will Subaru ever get his ice cream? Will Happy Bob live past the next chapter? Where the hell is Kakyou? Find out all this and more in the next episode…err….chapter! Later!
