Disclaimer: I don't own X, and I've got a restraining order from CLAMP to prove it!

Hello, and welcome again to this private little corner of muddled thought that is X Madness. It's 6:00, I drank a carton of milk, and my cat is plotting to kill me. So there's only one thing to do… on with the next chapter, of course!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx


Ch. 6 Ice Cream, Superheroes, and a Screwed Up Conscience

Location: The Park Entrance

Yuzuriha patted down giant globs of periwinkle hair dye onto the grass while humming to herself. "There ya go! And now to find the rest of those ugly squirrels…gee, I wonder where Inuki is?"

"There she is, officer!" screamed a very distressed woman walking a whimpering pink Chihuahua. "She's the one who dyed my cute little Twinkles that wretched color!"

"You there!" called out a stern officer. "Did you dye this creature pink?"

Yuzuriha rolled her eyes. "Of course not! Who would defile such a helpless animal? I dyed it Marta Stewart-Brand Rose!"

The policeman waved away the matter calmly. "Oh! Rose, you say? Well that's completely different…wait, did you say Martha Stewart? All her products have been confirmed as rat poison!" Right on cue the rose Chihuahua keeled over.

Her eyes widened. "I…uh…?"

He leaned closer to the girl. "And is that not periwinkle that you're staining the grass with?"

Yuzuriha shifted about comfortably. "Well what you have to consider about that is…"

"And I just got several reports of dead squirrels in a wide arrangement of colors. Do I need to ask who it was…? Where did you get all that hair dye anyway?"

Yuzuriha, for once, and perhaps the only time, was quiet. "…"

(Author is silent for five minutes trying to think of a clever cover up for this hole, but in the end, whistles innocently and just cuts to the next event.)

A fat ice cream vendor fiercely wheeled his cart of Happy Bob's Sugary Sweet Ice Cream out of the park, huffing and puffing as if his life depended on it. And it did.

"ICE CREAM! I have come for you!" screamed Subaru as he sprinted after.

Yuzuriha stared as the officer was reading her rights. "HAIR…AND ICE CREAM?" She pushed the officer into the puddle of periwinkle hair dye. "Wait for me!"

Sorata stomped past the park entrance after them, bellowing: "SORATA HUNGRY…."

The officer gurgled as Martha Stewart's periwinkle hair dye slowly swallowed him alive. "I…will return. One day!"

Meanwhile, Subaru had lost sight of the ice cream vendor after he had ducked into a dark alley, leaving him ice cream-less. He pouted. "Ice cream…" But as a true act of God, the clouds suddenly cleared and a ray of light shot down upon a store. Before the building sparkled a sign that gave Subaru an ounce of hope: Baskin Robbins. (okay, okay, actually the ozone layer finally burned away over Tokyo so that the sun let down bright, but hazardous, radioactive sunlight down on the ice cream shop, but, DAMMIT, can't I create a miracle every once and a while?)

Location: In a Dark Alley

The ice cream vendor threw himself to the ground in exhaustion. "Ah! Me heart! Evil children…!" he exclaimed in poor English, or for the sake of authenticity, Japanese.

Two lavender eyes glared from the shadows behind him. "Hello Happy Bob," whispered Kamui.

A single brown eye blinked menacingly next to them. "Nice of you to come, my pretty!" growled Seishirou.

"No one steals my Fairy King! Feel my pinkish wrath!" hissed Kamui. He then walked over to the ice cream cart and kicked it, but it didn't budge. "OW!" screamed Kamui as he jumped up and down holding his injured foot. "It hurts!" he cried.

Seishirou emerged from the shadows and patted Kamui's back. "It's all right, don't cry! Just sit down, and I'll take care of that mean 'ol Happy Bob."

Kamui lifted his head and muttered something unintelligible as his eyes welled with tears. "Mweewaaaawaeee?"

The Sakurazukamori nodded. "That's right!" He struck his foot into the heavy cart, but the results were the same. "OWWWW!"

The treacherous Happy Bob appeared to have the upper hand, but just as things seemed to be at their worst, a jet of Code Red plowed into the cart, spilling bars of Sugary Sweet Ice Cream onto the street. Yuuto approached them from the other side of the alley, rivers of the dangerously caffeinated soda swirling around him. "All-knowing Magic Taco! You have once more guided your servant to victory!"

"Me ice cream!" yelled the ice cream vendor.

"Mwahahahahaha! Where's your messiah now, Happy Bob?" shouted Seishirou triumphantly. His eyes then narrowed, and he simpered, about to really kick the ice cream vendor's fat ass when…

"Think again, you evil-doers!" exclaimed a voice from atop a building. "You now have cause to fear, for bum..bum…bum… Captain Kakyou is here!" Kakyou stood over them wearing a woman's feathery mask and an old pair of army boots. A long red cape hung draped over his heart boxers as he grinned heroically. With a short laugh, Kakyou leapt from the rooftop, but instead of landing gracefully on his feet, he fell into a crate of wood shavings. His bottom lip trembled, and he burst into tears while frantically running around in circles. "Waaaaaa! Splinters! Ouchouchouchouchouchouch!"

The ice cream vendor blinked. "Please. Let there be gas leak nearby..."

Kamui stepped closer to Yuuto in amazement. "Your suit…it holds the power of pinkish wrath! You shall unite with me, my minion! And together, this city shall be ours a day earlier than planned!"

Yuuto stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I must consult the Magic Taco!"

Kakyou straightened himself, apparently recovered from the splinter attack. "Aha! Is that all you can deal me, you fiends? I will rescue this law-abiding citizen now, and return to deal with you later!" He managed to pick up the fat ice cream vendor, and began to retreat from the alley.

Yuuto fell on his knees. "Great Magic Taco! Without you I am nothing. Please show me the path to cheesy righteousness…and maybe leave me with a little Volcano sauce this time?"

Kamui pointed. "Happy Bob's getting away!"

Seishirou cast his eyes to the ground. "Curses! You win this time, Happy Bob. But mark my words: the war has just begun!" He dashed down the alley, and past the Dreamseer. "The Ducks are regrouping. There is evil looming forth! Suby, I will find you!"

The ice cream vendor stared up at his rescuer. "Who the hell are you?"

"No need to thank me! I'm Captain Kakyou, an ordinary man until bitten by a pissed off cereal mascot. I have been given the power of super speed. WHOOSH!" shouted Kakyou.

"But you only take three steps!" exclaimed the ice cream vendor.

Kakyou turned around to find himself only two feet from where he had previously been, and gasped. "The villains! They've taken away my super speed! I must call upon my trusty sidekick, Otis! The Golden Hippo!"

The ice cream vendor stared. "Golden hippo?"

Kakyou then gave a shrill whistle, and before the vendor could speak anymore, a golden hippo galloped beneath them. "Now ride, Otis! Ride like the wind!" commanded Kakyou.

The vendor screamed. "WHAT IS THIS? DREAM?" ;)

In the real world, the vendor had passed out, and lied in the middle of a busy street while twitching in the strange dream that the Dreamseer had implanted in his brain. However, as Kakyou stepped away from the vendor, a loud thump sounded as a bus passed over the man, causing mass panic all over the street.

Kakyou giggled excitedly, his eyes flaring with pride. "Another citizen saved! Villains beware! For as long as Captain Kakyou patrols the streets, nothing will spare you your doom! By my life, good shall always PREVAIL!" Suddenly Kakyou's face lit up. "Is that Happy Bob's Sugary Sweet Ice Cream I smell? Weeeeee!"

Location: Baskin Robbins

"Welcome to Baskin Robbins. My name's Stacie. How can I help you?" asked the girl at the counter.

Subaru was shaking uncontrollably. "I…NEED…ice cream!"

Stacie nodded. "Very well, sir. We have Shrek Ogreberry, Fiona Mint, Donkeychip and Cream, Puss' Pralines, Godmother's Chocolate…"

Subaru's hands only trembled more as the girl uttered more ice cream flavors that the store had sold out to a popular kid's movie, and as he noticed all of the cans of ice cream under the glass, he realized that he was never going to get any. He fell on all fours. "NOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. He violently brought his head down, and a small bottle of pills dropped from his hair.

(Author: YES, the pills were in his HAIR all along, XD)

Subaru stared at the bottle of Crazy-B-Gone, and shook it up and down. His eyes glowed with excitement. "Sprinkles?"

Yuzuriha burst through the doors as the girl at the counter kept reciting more damned Shrek flavors. "I found ya! Watchya eating? Can I have some? And ice cream, too! Can I? CanIcanIcanIcanIcanI?"

After stuffing a handful of pills into his mouth, Subaru wordlessly passed the bottle to Yuzuriha. He then rose to see if the girl was done giving out flavors. Nope. "Princess Peachpassion, Shrek Strawberry, Stepsister Surprise…"

However, Subaru's sight went out of focus as the girl kept droning on and on. All the colorful ice cream twinkled at him like stars, and he found himself spinning as what little sense of reality he had before was completely destroyed.

"Subaru…" came a soft voice.

"Hey Subaru! Look up, you moron!" growled a second.

He looked up to find two tiny versions of himself floating over him. One was dressed in a white bathrobe with a cheap halo and wings, while the other one looked like a crimson stripper with a back fedora hat. Subaru gaped. "Who're you?"

"We are both sides of your conscience," replied the angel.

"I have a conscience?" exclaimed Subaru.

"Yeah, and you're really doin' a crappy job! What're you doin', listening to all this Shrek shit when ya could be torchin' this joint?" admonished the devil.

"Oh, don't listen to him, Subaru. He gets really burned up with everything!" The angel laughed hysterically. "Get it? BURNED UP? Ha-ha, I kill myself!"

"No seriously, he has," interjected the devil. "How else do you think he got this crappy gig?"

The angel crossed his arms testily. "Well, at least I'm not the one wearing a stupid hat!"

The devil lowered his head, and began to sniffle. "That hurt…"

"Anyway, Subaru, just listen to me, and burn this place to the ground!" urged the angel.

Subaru lifted an eyebrow. "Wait, I thought that's what the evil guy wanted."

The angel blinked. "It was? Damn, I'm really dropping the ball today." The good Subaru then vanished in a puff of smoke.

The bad Subaru was still crying. "I spent a millennia picking out this outfit, too!" it whined as it also disappeared.

Subaru scratched his head. "I'm really confused…oh well." An ofuda materialized in his hand, and he targeted the glass covering the ice cream.

Location: Back at the Dark Alley

Sorata marched his way down the alley in his yellow dress, his arms outstretched. "SORATA HUNGRY!" he growled for a second time.

"O please! Magnificent Magic Taco! Shall I fight alongside the Fairy Queen?" called out Yuuto.

"Yuuto…Yuuto…" The Magic Taco slowly appeared before the Water Master. "I know of this Fairy Queen…you must—" Suddenly, the Taco was snatched from the air by Sorata and gobbled down in one bite.

Yuuto was mortified. "M-magic Taco?" he threw his hands up to the sky. "WHYYYYYYYYY?"

"SORATA HAPPY!" he exclaimed.

Yuuto rose from the ground, the Code Red swirling more viciously around him than ever before. "Magic Taco! I will avenge your demise!"

Sorata laughed oafishly. "LITTLE MAN BEAT SORATA?"

------Five seconds later------

Sorata lied groaning in the crate of wood shavings. Kamui turned back to Yuuto, "You are indeed a powerful ally! Join me, my pink-suited minion, and you can continue to spread your revenge to all of the city's imbeciles!"

Yuuto nodded. "Please, Magic Taco! Let this path be true!"

"HUAHA! We have found him, we have! The Pink Menace!" Fuuma stood before them, cradling the marker. "This city is mine—prepare to be annihilated by Mr. Chaos!"

This chapter was brought to you by Key Lime Pie and a bunch of things that piss me off.