Disclaimer: The first time I tried to own X, CLAMP left me tied to a telephone poll along a Nebraska highway with nothing but a pair of tweezers and some saltine crackers…I think I might have somehow offended them by stalking them with my katana…

So we're now at chapter 13, the coolest number yet. Not much to say here except one precious, yet unrelated, piece of advice: never bring a lime smoothie into a crowded theater of neurotic political activists…it could get messy in more ways than you can imagine. Anyway, more insanity's going down in this demented little story, so enjoy!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx


Ch. 13 Divide and Conquer

Location: Random Street Corner

The people briskly treaded down the sidewalks along the rhythm of the frequent roars and screeches of impatient vehicles as calm as always. Just another normal day in downtown Tokyo, a world buzzing fervently along its unchanging, day to day routine. However, this routine meant nothing to the huffing cotton candy truck as it whizzed down the street in dead fear as a cheery jingle played from its loudspeaker.

Subaru raced after it, his arms flailing desperately. "NO! COTTON CANDY! COME BACK!" He shrieked at the top of his lungs as the happy tune from the truck began to fade into the distance.

The Trucker let out an audible sigh of relief. The insane man looked like he was finally giving up the chase. The crazed young man had ran after the truck for eleven blocks, traumatizing eighteen schoolchildren, and pushing five frail-looking old ladies into the face of oncoming traffic. The poor Trucker saw his life flash before him every moment the Onmyouji chased after, but Subaru's screaming form disappeared in the rear view mirror. It was all over. Or was it….?

The cotton candy truck whined as it plowed into an invisible barrier. As the truck jolted, it sent mounds of cotton candy flying onto the street. The truck screeched to a halt, and the Trucker squinted to see what sinister force had ensnared him, and gasped. Tied to the lampposts on each side of the street was a long sheet of Saran Wrap.

Saran Wrap Spokesman: That's right! Just one sheet of Saran Wrap keeps the toughest forces at bay. That's why Saran Wrap beats out Reynolds Plastic Wrap every time!

Seishirou suddenly appeared before the cotton candy truck to scream his maniacal laughter. "Try all you want, filthy sugar slave! You are now trapped in MY kekkai! The only way to get out is to kill me or—"

"There!" exclaimed the Trucker as he removed the Saran Wrap from one of the lampposts.

Seishirou's eyes bulged, and he fell on the ground shivering in pain. "My kekkai! My beautiful kekkai! NO!"

"Not so fast there!" exclaimed Fuuma as the Trucker innocently started back to his vehicle. "You're not going anywhere…for you see…" He suddenly displayed a little pine tree air freshener. "I have taken your only salvation! Now, moment by moment, the smell of cotton candy will seep into the truck, but when you reach for this pine-scented device, you will find no relief! The cotton candy will overtake you, and control your mind until you explode into a thousand pieces all over that designer steering wheel cover. You are doomed! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The Trucker fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Another victory for the Special Friends!" shouted Fuuma.

"Cotton candy! Cotton candy!" cheered Subaru as he dashed toward the truck excitedly.

Seishirou smiled proudly as Subaru dove headfirst into a sea of cotton candy. "That's right, Suby-kun! Now that the mean man has been vanquished, you can eat all the cotton candy you want!"

Fuuma blinked. "Cotton candy? You told me that he was an evil minion of the Fairy Queen!" Seishirou shifted about uncomfortably in response. Fuuma sighed, and reluctantly returned the pine-scented air freshener to the shaken Trucker and sent him on his way.

Fuuma lowered his head. "I'm never gonna stop the Fairy Queen from destroying my city, and I'm never gonna free Mr. Huggles from the spirit of an evil villain…and…and…(sniffle)…I MISS MR. CHAOS!" he cried. He almost burst into a hysterical tantrum when he caught sight of something in the corner of his eye. A costume shop.

"Chugachuga…chuuchuu… here comes the airplane!" laughed Seishirou as he fed Subaru a large clump of cotton candy.

"Yay!" yelled Subaru happily.

However, their playtime was interrupted as Fuuma sprinted between them. "Special Friends! Quickly, we must disguise our identities so the evil Fairy Queen doesn't recognize us!"

Subaru's emerald eyes blinked back curiously. "Disguise?"

"With this high tech center before us, we can blend in as ordinary citizens and become invisible to all who seek us out!" explained Fuuma.

-----Five Minutes Later-----

Fuuma leapt out of the costume shop door in a full Tinkerbell outfit, brandishing a cheap plastic wand. "With this Magical Relic, I shall fight the Fairy Queen and save Mr. Huggles!" he shouted as he straightened out the tiara on his head.

"I AM THE EASTER BUNNY!" screamed Seishirou, following after Fuuma in a strange pair of purple bunny pajamas with feet and floppy ears.

Behind him, Subaru was skipping along in a Catholic schoolgirl's uniform. "Eggs! Eggs!" he replied.

If downtown Tokyo was ever busy, it would have been impossible to tell as the whole area gaped at the three. Fuuma did not pay any attention. "And now we shall mix, unnoticed, within this crowd! Special Friends, AWAY!"

Location: Mall

"Captain Kakyou to Big Rosebud—TCHH, over! Have—TCHH, infiltrated a vast dungeon—TCHH, over! Request your—TCHH, present—TCHH, whereabouts—TCHH, over! OVER!" The Dreamseer shook the carrot frantically. "OVER! OVER? WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER?" He suddenly blinked and listened carefully to the carrot. "Understood. Captain Kakyou over and out."

"SPECIAL FRIENDS?" inquired Sorata.

Kakyou nodded. "They're fine, they just vanquished an evil sugar slave and have blended in the masses incognito…" He shifted about impatiently with a sigh before curiously peaking around the corner into the men's restroom. "What's taking her so long?"

"SORATA CHECK?" the other asked anxiously.

Kakyou gasped and pointed to the men's restroom sign. "Check? We are not unruly heathens! We are superheroes and if we are to enter any restroom, it will be our own!"

He looked down pitifully. "SORATA SORRY…."

"All done!" chirped Arashi. The girl emerged from the men's room, but something was a little different about her. Vibrantly displayed outside her clothes, she was wearing a bright pink bra.

The Dreamseer stared. "What's that?"

Arashi stroked one of the bra straps. "'Tis the mark of a Warrior Princess! All Warrior Princesses must have it!"

Kakyou and Sorata gazed closer at the bra, then back at their own braless chests. Then back at Arashi again. Sorata's cheeks puffed out. Kakyou folded his arms. Why didn't they have one, too?

"Are you sure that you're a Warrior Princess?" asked Arashi skeptically to Kakyou.

Kakyou balled his fists. "I AM a Warrior Princess! I AM!"

"SORATA WARRIOR PRINCESS ALSO!" he cried.

Amidst their protests, their eyesight caught a store window in the distance labeled 'Victoria's Secret'. Kakyou brightened. "I know! Victoria took ours and kept them as a secret!" he exclaimed.

"BAD VICTORIA!" agreed Sorata.

Arashi's hands went to her hips irritably. "That witch! Come Warrior Princesses! It is time to reclaim what is yours!" And they all sprinted toward the doomed store.

Location: Goofy Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-rena

Kamui gave a brief bow as he approached Martin inside the large plastic castle in the mini-golf center. "Magnificent Destroyer of Tokyo! I have sent the Dark Mistress and the Wise Mage forth to smite L.E.M.O.N.'s enemy, the Special Friends, and the Pink Minion is on a quest to make us all but invincible! How may I do thy bidding?"

The stuffed animal sat on the castle floor, its arms crossed angrily. "If you want to help me, give me your body!"

Kamui: o.O (backing away)

Martin's eyes widened. "No! That didn't come out right. I'm not that kind of evil conqueror!"

Kamui nodded uncomfortably. "Great leader of L.E.M.O.N.! Would you like a hotdog?"

Martin remained silent.

"A footlong?" Still, silence. "We could put anything you want on it!" More silence, but this time with a small moaning sound. "No worries, my liege! When you're in L.E.M.O.N., I will attend to your every need!"

Martin let out a loud scream. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH—SQUEAK!" The stuffed toy blinked when the strange sound slipped from his stomach. "You (SQUEAK) moron!" Again the sound escaped from his round belly.

Kamui's eyes lit up and he ran up to the squeaky toy to poke it. "I wanna try! I wanna try!"

Martin had had about all he could take. "LISTEN YOU—SQUEAK! YOU CAN JUST— SQUEAK— OFF! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR—SQUEAK— AND—SQUEAK! SO—SQUEAK— YOU! AND—" Out of nowhere, a golf ball flew into the small hole of the plastic castle, striking him dead on. The loudest squeak yet sounded as Martin fell over.

He moaned on the ground as Kamui continued to poke his stomach. "Oh—SQUEAK!"

Location: Victoria's Secret

Karen excitedly circled a discount item table in the middle of the store. "Let's see! I'll take five of that, three of that, and oh! I thought these were outlawed in Japan!" Her hand went to claim the forbidden item, but another had fallen over it before her.

Karen stared at the impudent woman who thought she could snatch away what was hers only to find with great shock that it was not a woman at all. Sorata stood on the opposite side of the table in a tacky summer dress with his green hair. Her jaw dropped. "Sorata?"

"Oh! Oh! THIS one has BANANAS on it!" cried Kakyou as he rushed after Sorata.

"But this one matches your superhero costume!" pouted Arashi as she waved a bra with red hearts on it.

Karen gaped and turned back to Sorata who was holding armfuls of thongs and bras. "Sorata," she remarked in disbelief. Her gaze went to the next person. "Arashi…" The girl was angrily waving the bra in Kakyou's face. She turned to the Dreamseer. "And…" Well, she really didn't know just who Kakyou was, but that didn't give her any comfort.

Suddenly, the Dreamseer dove onto the far side of the discount table and held up a crimson bra. "This one! This one! It smells like strawberries!" The other two ooed and awed.

Magic Taco: Not strawberries! Tacos are allergic to strawberries!

The possessed Sorata let out a big sneeze that predictably hit Karen. It was only a matter of time…

Location: Arcade

Yuuto stroked the wooden ball carefully, his eyes focusing on the faraway target. "This is it, Yuuto…it all comes down to this. One slip, and it's all over…" He inhaled sharply, and released the ball up the ramp. The wooden orb rolled up and leapt into the center hole. Yuuto jumped up and down cheerfully as five tickets emerged from the slot.

"All right! Just 24 more throws like that, and I will obtain his majesty's Magical Relic! The brother Relic to his arch enemy's Relic!" He rejoiced as he admired a plastic wand hanging at the prize desk. However, his moment was cut short when he heard a familiar voice yelling across the arcade.

"Damn MOLES! YOU SCARED MY SUBARU-KUN!" screamed Seishirou as he furiously brought down a mallet over the Whack-a-Mole game, the ears of his bunny suit drooping crossly.

Subaru was cowering in the corner in a fetal position holding the cross on his schoolgirl uniform. "They're gonna eat me….they're gonna eat me…they're gonna eat me!"

Meanwhile, Fuuma was stomping all over the Dance Dance Revolution stage. "I've got the beat!" He cheered as he straightened out his fairy wings.

"Well. I never expected to encounter you so soon, Special Friends! Especially when you blended in so seamlessly into this city!" interrupted Yuuto.

Fuuma fell off the DDR stage. "You! You're the Fairy Queen's Pink Minion!"

Seishirou stepped in front of Subaru. "I'm not letting you near my Suby-kun!" he growled as he began tearing a sheet of Saran Wrap off.

Yuuto chuckled. "You're speaking like it's going to be me that you're fighting! Sadly I have an errand, but the Wise Mage won't mind playing with you! Goodbye, Special Friends!"

"Wait!" called Fuuma, but the moment he took a step after the Water Master the DDR stage began to flicker, and the robotic moles popped out of the machine, blocking the way. The lights above them faded away, leaving only the screens of the videogames to glare at them.

"Let's Dance!" shouted Satsuki.

Please don't kill me….I'm not going to be around to update for a whole week. Damn computerless vacations….

Will the Special Friends overcome the nefarious Wise Mage? Will Kakyou and Sorata ever become true Warrior Princesses? Find out next chapter. Much later!