THIRTY FIVE


Dec. 15th: 0900 hours

"I want to thank you for allowing me to leave before Captain Hunnicutt returns, Colonel." Captain Browne was sitting in the commander's office. He and the other camp physicians were having a final cup of coffee together. "I have learned a lot from being out here. The main thing I've learned, however, is that I'd rather be back at the base. Lancing boils on the general's butt doesn't seem quite so bad, now---compared to this."

"Nothing's as bad when compared to this place," Charles Winchester observed. "This is a festering cesspool complete with cretins and fools---present company included," he looked disdainfully at the dark haired doctor.

"So which are you, Charles?" Hawkeye Pierce responded. He continued, "Speaking of festering, I've made my decision: Browne, I'm coming with you. Your job sounds a whole lot better than mine." The surgeon started to rise from the chair where he had been slouching. "Lancing boils, here I come."

"Whoa, cowboy," his commanding officer spoke to him, "you're staying in the corral with the rest of us."

"Pony pooper," Pierce muttered without rancor.

The company clerk knocked on the door frame, "Excuse me, sirs. Captain, the supply truck has been unloaded and it's ready for the return trip to Kimpo."

"So am I," the visiting surgeon replied. He quickly grabbed his satchel. "Colonel, thank you again. Not that it hasn't been fun, because it hasn't; but I am ready to get back."

"I understand. You're a good surgeon, Captain," Colonel Potter said. "We'd be glad to have here at the 4077th, any time you change your mind."

"Not too likely," was the man's parting remark as he practically ran out of the office.

"Was it something we said?" Pierce asked with a grin.


December 15th: 1400 hours

"I want to thank you for this welcome back bash, Hawkeye," B J Hunnicutt commented as he dropped another metal fragment into the basin that Margaret Houlihan held for him. "But, I could have done without the party favors." He tried not to flinch as another artillery shell exploded in the distance, "And the noise makers." During his brief stay in Tokyo, he had forgotten how intimidating the sounds from those big guns could be.

"Don't blame me," Hawkeye Pierce responded. "The Chinese are the ones hosting this party." He spoke angrily as he observed his next patient, "Look at this! This kid can't be more than 17! For the next war, I'm going to strictly enforce the age limit. No one under the age of 85 is admitted. And no weapons will be allowed either," the Chief Surgeon continued, "only feather dusters at 30 paces."

"And the first person to sneeze loses," Captain Hunnicutt added.

"Exactly! And then we can give them a hankie, say 'bless you' and go home," the dark haired doctor from Maine announced.

"And speaking of home," Sherman Potter changed the subject, "Hunnicutt, how was your home away from home visit?"

"It was great, Colonel!" The man with the mustache replied. "Since it was cold and rainy, most of the time we just stayed in the hotel room and played with Erin. We were able to do some sight-seeing and some shopping, though. And, we even ate at the White Lotus once. It is certainly a very high class restaurant."

"I just hope he didn't mention our names," Lieutenant MacAllister whispered to Major Winchester. She was the assigned circulating nurse for this session and was delivering more sterilized instruments to his table.

"Indeed," the Boston surgeon agreed. Very few people knew of their earlier escapades at that particular restaurant and he intended to keep it that way.

B J Hunnicutt continued, "I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone here for making it possible! Thank you, Colonel, for allowing me to go; thank you, Klinger, and Sarabeth, for making all of the arrangements; and thanks to Colonel MacAllister for picking the perfect baby-sitter. Also, thanks to everyone here who worked so hard to provide the money for every thing. We had a wonderful time---just the three of us---together."

"And, of course, a very special 'thank you' to Hawkeye Pierce; for coming up with this ludicrous and astonishing plan, in the first place, and then insisting on keeping it a secret. I was certainly surprised to see Peg and Erin there." B J finished his speech.

"What can I say?" Hawkeye answered modestly. "I'm just a special guy. So special, in fact," he leaned toward his surgical nurse, "what do you say, special lady, that after we finish in here, you meet me at the Swamp for a special time with a special guy?"

"Captain Pierce," Major Houlihan responded. "Keep your not-so-special advances to yourself. And leave my nurses alone."

"All right, Margaret. How about you coming over to my tent, then?" At her annoyed huff, he shrugged. His grin was noticeable in his eyes. "At least, I'd be leaving your nurses alone."

"Pierce, you could leave all of us alone simply by closing your mouth," Major Winchester remarked with a long suffering sigh. "Or better yet, let me suture it shut for you."

"But how could I express my needs, Charles? I do have needs, you know. Like right now, I need some new gloves," Captain Pierce responded glibly, "In fact, I need all the gloving I can get."

While helping him into a pair of clean gloves, Lieutenant MacAllister quoted:

'There was a Doctor named Pierce

Who liked to joke something fierce.

He made such a bad pun,

That we all had to run

Before we burst into tears.'

A groan was heard from a table behind her. "No! Not limericks, too!" Doctor Winchester complained.

"I think it's wonderful!" The surgeon defended her poetry. "Do you have one for B J?"

"I do, sir," the Texan replied. She recited:

'There once was a man named B J

Who liked to rest on Sunday.

But his wife had a list,

And gave his arm a twist,

And said 'Honey, cut' the grass today.'

B J Hunnicutt's amusement was reflected in his eyes. "That's great! And it sounds just like Peg."

"Lieutenant MacAllister," Winchester called to her, "I protest! Limericks are bad enough. Puns inside limericks, however, are against the Geneva Convention! Or should be."

"Sorry, sir. I couldn't resist."

"What about Charles? You have to have one for him," Hawkeye told her.

Before she could answer, the major declared, "Spare me that honor."

"It's just as well, sir," she answered. "I haven't been able to think of enough words to rhyme with Winchester. I do have one for you, sir." She told her commanding officer as he stretched and waited for another wounded soldier to be carried in. "But it is slightly risqué."

"Let's hear it, lieutenant," Potter directed.

"No! Colonel, I beg of you..." The surgeon from Massachusetts pleaded for a reprieve.

His protests were ignored as the woman spoke again:

'There once was a lad named Potter

Who loved the farmer's daughter.

In the fields all day,

At night he would play.

But not with the daughter's father.'

The colonel laughed, "That's awful."

"I know, sir," MacAllister acknowledged. "Major Houlihan, would you like to hear yours?"

"No. I believe it is time for my nurse with the unrestrained tongue to restrain herself."

"Here. Here," Winchester seconded her motion.


Tired from the long hours in the operating room, Captain Hunnicutt made the observation, "I sure wish we had a different landlord. This one keeps sending me kids with leaky pipes. Show me those x-rays, again." With a shake of his head, and a deep breath, he continued his work.

"Want some help?" The Chief Surgeon, who was resting on his table, stood and stretched. He called for more gloves, gestured for his surgical nurse to follow him and moved to Hunnicutt's table.

As the surgical team worked to save the young man's life, he observed, "I've seen fewer holes in a sieve," and added, "This reminds me, I've got some nice real estate in downtown Hell here---if anyone's interested in buying some."

"Who was it who said, given a choice of owning Texas and Hell, he'd rent out Texas and live in Hell?" Major Winchester queried. He glanced up to see a red headed nurse's reaction to his words.

With an arched eyebrow, she drawled in reply, "Probably some damn-fool Yankee, sir."


"Would anyone care for a glass of water? Or some coffee?" The priest brought in a tray loaded with drinks for the surgical teams. "We're out of orange juice, I'm afraid."

"Over here, padre," Hawkeye Pierce called as he removed his gloves and threw them into the hamper. "Done. A warm and willing nurse is the only thing I'm operating on for the rest of the day," the doctor declared. With a yawn, glancing at the clock, he called to one of the corpsmen passing by, "Avara, lift up that blackout curtain, will you?" He looked through the operating room window into the compound outside. "What do you know? It's daylight out there."

"Daylight? What's that?" B J Hunnicutt asked. He was almost finished with his final patient, as well.

"You know what daylight is, Beej. It's when the big yellow thing comes up in the sky and shines off the top of Charles's head," Pierce said. He sipped from his glass and ignored Lieutenant MacAllister's raised eyebrow.

"How kind," Winchester replied. "Actually, Pierce, I enjoy seeing the sun rise. Because I know that you'll soon be slithering back under your rock."

"Boys," Potter warned, "Be kind to your commanding officer. It's been a relatively peaceful session in here; let's keep it that way."

"All right, Colonel," Pierce conceded with another yawn. "You won't hear a hiss out of me. A bit of sibilance, perhaps; even a bit of speaking with forked tongue, maybe. But not a hiss."

"Simple silence would suffice," a certain major muttered in disgust.