Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would use Beast to hack into Disneyland and enslave the earth—don't pretend like they wouldn't do it themselves...it's only a matter of time…

Hey! I'm finally back after a long week of not updating with a sparklin', smashin' new chapter of this Insane Asylum called X Madness. What terrible, terrible things do I have in store for everyone? Time to find out…muahahaha….MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx


Ch.14 Apes and Donuts

Location: Victoria's Secret

Karen glared at the lingerie on the discount table. Damn bras…they were laughing at her…each moment they were conspiring to destroy her. No, it wasn't just the bras…everyone here was in on it. The moment she let her guard down, they would sneak behind her and she would become their slave for all eternity. She gnarred her teeth in contempt, and her gaze did not leave the table for one moment.

"Ma'am? Are you all right there?" queried one of the Victoria's Secret clerks in concern. "You look sort of dazzled…"

She blinked. "Dazzled?" Her eyes were ablaze. and she leapt onto the table. "I'm on to YOU and your evil plots and you're not going to trap me! You're doomed! ALL OF YOU!" she hissed. "I'll show you DAZZLED!" Her hands were engulfed in an explosion of flames, and the clerk fled screaming.

She smiled mischievously at the table of flammable bras, and cackled homicidally. "DAZZLED! DAZZLED!"

Elsewhere…

Kakyou cheered as he skipped out of the store in a bright orange bra with coconuts plastered all over it. "Now Captain Kakyou is a TRUE Warrior Princess!"

Sorata followed after, a pair of panties draped over his head. "SORATA WARRIOR PRINCESS!" he declared.

Arashi threw her arms over the other two. "Indeed, you are mighty Warrior Princesses!" she agreed.

"Wait! You need to pay for those!" cried a cashier in the distant store. Just at that moment, Victoria's Secret echoed with a maddened shriek (DAZZLED!) and the store burst into flames as dozens of horrible, bloodcurdling screams erupted within.

A figure emerged from the flames dancing wildly. "THE DAY IS MINE! I WIN! I WIN!" screeched Karen as she ran across the mall.

The three of them stared wordlessly before Arashi stepped forward. "And now, my comrades! We shall venture onward in our quest for glory, righteousness, and ultimate knowledge!"

Magic Taco: I want a soda!

Kakyou turned to the now-panicked mall as Victoria's Secret smoldered behind them. "Forth, Warrior Princesses! To the food court!"

Location: Arcade

Fuuma, Seishirou, and Subaru stood huddled against each other as the videogames flashed around them menacingly. Satsuki's voice boomed throughout the entire building in high-pitched laughter. "And now, Special Friends! You shall all meet your demise!"

"You fiend! You will never defeat the Special Friends!" retorted Fuuma.

"Special Friends will win!" chirped Subaru resolutely.

Seishirou's arm fell over Subaru's shoulders. "Subaru-kun's right! And if you think you're going to hurt MY special friend, you'll have to face my wrath!"

The high-pitched giggles continued. "That's where you're wrong, Special Friends! For you see, you have already fallen into my trap! Huahahahaha!"

The flickering lights disappeared into the gloom, and all had become silent save for the light humming of Beast and Satsuki's sinister laughter. The ground beneath them quaked, and Subaru let out a frightened howl as he clutched to Seishirou's bunny suit. However, the shaking abruptly ceased, and when the onmyouji opened his eyes, he found that they were still surrounded by darkness except for the floor. Below them was a bright red ramp, and they could hear a faint beeping sound.

"Wha—what is this place?" demanded Fuuma.

Seishirou tightened his hold on the trembling Subaru. "Stay close, Subaru-kun!"

The beeping noise was steadily growing louder as the three shifted about in dismay, and the bright ramp rumbled. With a scared moan Subaru snuck another peak at their surroundings. Rolling straight at them was a giant barrel. His eyes widened, and he frantically pointed at the oncoming object. However, Seishirou and Fuuma were busy surveying the area, and had their backs turned the other way.

"Barrel!" he screamed, and tugged on a floppy bunny ear and the edge of Fuuma's fairy wings. "BARREL!" It looked like they were doomed to be run over when suddenly…

"Hey, who's that?" shouted Fuuma. Out of nowhere came running the 8-bit figure of what appeared to be an Italian plumber. It ran straight at the rolling barrel, and with a loud beep it jumped in the air.

But it jumped too early and it was smashed into an 8-bit bloody pulp.

An oafish laugh sounded above them, and they gazed up the rows of scarlet ramps. At the very top was an enormous ape standing in front of dozens of barrels. Behind the animal was a screaming woman with a crown on her head. YES, they were trapped in Donkey Kong.

Subaru stared curiously at the ape. "Sora?"

"Worse…much worse…" giggled Satsuki. "There is no escape, Special Friends…Welcome to your doom!"

Location: Dunkin' Donuts

"Look! Look!" cried Kakyou as he pointed through the window into the donut shop. Behind the counter was a soda machine. "We have found it!"

"At last! The fountain of youth is ours. With its sacred power, we, the Warrior Princesses will become immortal!" rejoiced Arashi.

Magic Taco: I want Pepsi!

"SORATA LIKE COKE!" protested the other.

There was a shocked pause before the Magic Taco responded.

Magic Taco: Coke? COKE?

Sorata's possessed eyes turned crimson, but he managed to shake away the Magic Taco. He started toward the counter. "SORATA NEVER DRINK PEPSI! COKE!"

Magic Taco: NEVER!

Sorata fell to the ground, his arms flailing as he struggled against the Magic Taco's wrath.

Meanwhile, the other two entered Dunkin' Donuts heedless of the other's battle, but they were only a few steps inside when Arashi gasped.

The girl pressed her face against the glass at the side of the counter. "What sort of terrible dungeon is this?"

Kakyou curiously peered in behind her, but all that laid underneath the glass were dozens of donuts. He scratched his head. "Dungeon?"

Her hands were trembling in fury. "Who could have enslaved these sweet, innocent, and gentle people?" Just then, she happened to notice the cashier hesitantly approaching them. She glowered at the doomed man. "YOU!" she growled. "You sent them to this…this CONCENTRATION CAMP!"

Immediately the cashier was regretting his decision to come near, and was backing away. But it was too late. "HOW DARE YOU IMPRISON THESE POOR PEOPLE?" She whipped her head back to the glass. "It's all right…don't cry. The Warrior Princess will avenge all of you…"

He blinked. "M—miss! They're just donuts!"

Her eyes flared, and she advanced closer to the hapless cashier. "Just donuts? JUST DONUTS? Donuts are people too!"

Kakyou squinted harder at the donuts as Arashi was busy clobbering the Dunkin' Donuts cashier. "Dungeon…people…" he muttered as he scrutinized the donuts, completely ignoring the sounds of Arashi destroying the cashier or Sorata squirming over the floor fighting himself. There were bear claws…cream-filled donuts, but nothing was alive. True, maybe the Dunkin' Donuts original brand was moving a little, but Kakyou didn't think that was out of the ordinary.

He sighed in defeat, but then he scanned the last donut, which happened to be completely green. A GREEN donut?

"Free the donuts! FREE THE DONUTS!" screamed Arashi as she dumped two buckets of soda over the bound and gagged cashier's head.

Sorata howled. "NO! COKE GONE!"

Magic Taco: And the Pepsi! What have you done? BLASPHEMY!

Arashi kicked the moaning cashier to the side. "And now I shall deliver all of you to freedom and happiness!"

She plucked the cash register from the counter, and lifted it above the glass. However, before she had the chance to shatter the donut prison, Kakyou dove into her, sending both of them sprawling over the sleek floor alongside the weeping Sorata. "No!"

Arashi glared at the Dreamseer. "You dare to betray me?"

"It's a trap! Donuts aren't green! They're pink and black and periwinkle! The Sand Witch is here!" he explained.

Sorata looked up. "SAND WITCH?"

Magic Taco: So the Fairy Queen has sent his minions to hunt us!

Arashi jumped to her feet, and gaped at the colored donut. "Experimenting on unsuspecting donuts…the fiend!" She stared into the glass. "The donut's barely breathing…the Sand Witch can't be far…"

Kakyou narrowed his eyes. "Then she's somewhere around here…but where…?"

They carefully scanned the room for something unusual. The writhing cashier, the screaming customers, the spilt soda… the lamp in the center of the store with the body of a fourteen year old girl…

"Blast! We'll never find her!" despaired Kakyou.

Arashi gasped when she focused on the donut shop's center. "I see her, I see her!" she cried as she ran to the lamp. "It's so obvious!" she exclaimed, and the lampshade sneezed. "The Sand Witch…is in this sign!" She declared, pointing at the Dunkin' Donuts banner behind the lamp.

"KILL SIGN!" shouted Sorata.

"Get it!" yelled Kakyou. And the three closed in on the sign.

Location: Arcade

Fuuma inhaled sharply while another barrel edged its way closer to them. "Stand back, Special Friends! I'll take care of this!" He stepped toward the rolling barrel, and unsheathed the Tinkerbelle Wand. He clasped the plastic handle with both hands, and stared the object down. "Fear my power, barrel!" He waved the wand up and down. "POOF! You're a newt! You're a lemming! Poof! Poof!" The barrel kept approaching, its shape unchanged.

"Oh no! He hasn't fully awakened to use the Relic's power yet!" cried Seishirou.

Fuuma shook the wand, desperately trying to kindle its 'magic', but the barrel's shadow was falling over him. He swallowed hard. "Oh muffins…" The barrel collided into him with a series of beeps, and in a flash, it and Fuuma disappeared. His Tinkerbelle wings floated off the ramp, leaving Seishirou and Subaru alone in the twisted videogame.

Donkey Kong laughed, and threw another barrel down the top ramp. Subaru buried his head in Seishirou's chest. "Pancake!" he whimpered.

"Don't worry, Subaru-kun! I'm not letting them turn you into a pancake!" assured Seishirou before pulling away from the onmyouji's side. Seishirou straightened out his floppy bunny ears, and his eyes hardened at the barrel. "For it will have to get by my kekkai first!"

He pulled out the roll of Saran Wrap, tore a small sheet from it, and approached the large barrel coming their way. Subaru could watch no more, and fastened his hands over his eyes when the barrel was only feet away from the other, but that did not save him from the horrible sounds that would follow.

The barrel slammed into something with a loud beep. "AAAAAAHHH! AAAH-AAAHH! IT'S SMASHING ME! SUBARU, HELP ME!" screamed Seishirou.

Subaru yelped, and managed to open his eyes only to find Seishirou smiling down at him from the edge of the next ramp waving the stretched piece of Saran Wrap. He blinked in confusion. "Pancake?"

"Fooled you Subaru-kun! Ha-ha I gotcha!" he sang, and Subaru began to laugh along. But just as he started to dance around the end of the ramp, another barrel plunged over him with terrible beep and a flash like before. However, when the light cleared, Seishirou was still standing, only with one serious difference.

His cotton tail on his bunny suit had been scraped off. Seishirou fell to the floor. "NOOOOOOOOOO! My power is gone! GOOOOOOOONE!"

And then there was one.

Donkey Kong threw another barrel, and Subaru hysterically paced the ramp. "Help me! Help me! No pancake!" he screamed. Suddenly two puffs of smoke roiled before him, the first revealing an impatient Subaru-angel. But when the second smoke cloud cleared, it did not reveal the devil.

Subaru gaped. "Sack of beans?"

Hovering over the onmyouji was a burlap sack of beans outfitted with a plastic pair of horns. The angel nodded. "The agency learned that that worthless fire monkey had an unhealthy addiction to Axe body deodorant so they 'canned' him!" The angel took a moment to laugh at its pun before it realized that not even the barrel was making a sound. It cleared its throat. "Err, so they got you a replacement."

Subaru gazed back at the sack of beans. "Replacement?" The barrel was closing in, and he quickly shook off his disbelief. "HELP!"

"Yeah, yeah, your problems," sighed the angel. "Well it's obvious what you have to do to K.O. that big ape, all you need is—BEEP—BEEP—BEEP!" The angel suddenly pulled out a beeper, and shook its head. "Well, gotta go. It looks like Dick Cheney needs me again. Good luck getting yourself out of your almost certain death!"

"No! What do I need? WHAT DO I NEED?" cried Subaru, but the angel had already vanished. The barrel had fallen to Subaru's ramp, and in his panic, he turned to the sack of beans. "What do I do?" he screamed at the burlap sack.

The sack of beans remained quiet.

"HELP! I'm scared!" The fake devil horns fell off the sack, and it did not answer. Subaru stared at it in desperation. The beans stared back, and Subaru nodded. "You're right!"

His gaze turned to the giant ape at the top of the ramps, and he reached into the pocket of his uniform's skirt to produce a red carnation. He held the flower up to Donkey Kong. "Special Friend?"

Random Narrator Man: And what happened then…?

Well among the retro videogames they say

That Donkey Kong's heart grew three sizes that day

And at that moment, he did what was right

And stopped hunting Subaru with all his might

It was because the ape met a special friend

That his apish wrath would finally end…

(A/N: Aah, the warm fuzzies of another twisted version of Dr. Seuss's Grinch ;) had to do it…)

The barrels suddenly dissolved, and the ape rushed down to Subaru with a cheerful grunt. The moment Donkey Kong's hand closed around the stem of the flower, victory music began to play all around them. Subaru beamed. "All you need is love!" A brilliant light closed in around the onmyouji, and Donkey Kong began to disappear. The ground shook and crumbled. "Special Friend?" Subaru cried before he, too, faded from the game.

"This cannot be!" screamed Satsuki. "I cannot be defeated!"

Beast's screen suddenly lit up with a message: Insert 2 more credits.

"Noooo! Curses!" she shouted. "You've won today, Special Friends, but L.E.M.O.N. will win the war!" Donkey Kong suddenly vanished from Beast's monitor to be replaced by a new game, and Satsuki squealed before melding with the machine. "Oh goodie! Frogger!"

Well, I'll end this twisted chapter here. BTW, sorry for not updating recently but the damn Comcast Company screwed my internet over…ah, I know, excuses excuses…but Comcast is going on my spite list along with the Olsen twins and cereal commercials!...spite….. Anyway, I'll post the next chapter whenever I happen to write it, hopefully soon provided that no one maims me for my antics in this one…later!