AUTHOR' NOTE: Just a quick comment about the lay-out of Susan's apartment. When I first started writing fics I based the arrangement of Luka's apartment on what I saw on my tv, which was very small. I missed the existence of a stairway, (we just saw the railing during S8 - nothing during S9) and they never hinted that there might be a second bedroom. It wasn't until Sam and Alex moved in during Season 11 that the apartment suddenly miraculously gained an open staircase and two bedrooms. So in all my fics, the apartment (now Susan's) has the same basic arrangement; an open-plan living space with kitchen along one wall, one bedroom on the same level, and a bathroom with two doors, one opening to the bedroom (as we saw in Hindsight) and one opening to the living room (as we saw in Forgive and Forget).
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Susan unlocked the front door and waved her niece inside, then flipped on the light. She had to smile as Suzie's mouth and eyes opened wide in shocked delight.
"Wow … it's so big … and so nice. It's way better than our apartment in Albany."
Susan's smile faded as she thought about what that apartment in Albany must have been like if her own relatively sparse quarters could elicit such a response.
"Unfortunately, what you see is what you get. My room's through there, but there's no extra bedroom for you. Tonight you'll have to sleep on the couch. Tomorrow we'll figure out something a little better."
Suzie had flopped down onto the couch and was taking her food out of the take-out bag. She motioned to the far end of the room. "This room is huge. It's way bigger than it has to be. You could build a wall over there … make another bedroom."
"That sounds like a lot of work, and I don't think the landlord would like it very much. I was thinking of something like a cot, or a chair that opens into a bed."
"I had my own room in Albany."
"And you'll have one again in North Dakota."
"Yeah … I guess so ..."
Susan was startled. Suzie seemed to have forgotten that this was just temporary. In a few weeks Chloe would be well again and she and Suzie would be on their way. "Well," she said after a moment, "tomorrow we have a lot to do. We have to go shopping and get you new clothes and a bed, and we have to register you for school."
"School?" Suzie's eyes widened again.
"Yes, we do have schools here in Chicago."
"Do I have to go? Can't I wait until we get to North Dakota?"
"You can't miss that much school. Remember what Dr. Dubenko said; it will be a few weeks at least until Mom's better. You can't be out of school for that long."
Suzie just sighed and took a bite of a chicken nugget.
"You like school, don't you?" asked Susan.
"Yeah. It's ok." A shrug.
"So, what's the problem?"
"It'll be just like all the other times, Aunt Susan. I'll go to a new school, I'll start to make new friends, and then, just when I'm getting used to it I'll have to move again. It's not fair."
"I know. None of this is fair, is it? Sometimes things happen that aren't fair … or fun … but we have to make the best of them."
Just then the doorbell rang. Susan went to the intercom. "Yeah?"
"Hi Susan, it's Sam. Can I come up?"
"Sure." Susan buzzed her in and opened the apartment door.
Sam was carrying two plastic grocery bags. "Are you getting settled?" she asked.
Suzie just shrugged again, so Susan said, "Yeah, we're doing fine."
Sam gestured with the bags. "A few hand-me-downs from Alex to get her started. I think they're about the same size."
"Who's Alex?" asked Suzie.
"My son. He's 10, and just about your size."
Suzie made a face. "Boy's clothes?"
"Just jeans and tee-shirts and maybe flannel shirt or two. They're not much different than girl's clothes."
Suzie scowled and loudly slurped the last of her drink through the straw.
"It was nice of Sam to think of you," Susan said firmly. "Can you say thank you?"
"Why should I? I hate them!"
"You haven't even seen them."
"They're boy's clothes. I won't wear them and you can't make me!" Suzie burst into tears and, jumping to her feet, she ran into the bathroom and slammed the door.
Susan threw up her hands and sank onto the couch. "I'm sorry, Sam. She's not usually like this." Or, maybe she was, Susan realized. How well did she really know her? Things had obviously changed a lot in the past few years.
"Don't apologize. She's had a long, hard day … and she is only 9. This is s a lot for her to cope with."
Susan shook her head. "I don't know anything about kids, Sam! Why did I think I could do this?"
"Did you know anything about babies when you took her in the first time?"
"No," Susan admitted. "But babies are easy. You feed them when they're hungry, change them when they're wet, and give them lots of love. They don't need anything else. But adolescents … I've had her barely an hour, and I already feel like I'm in over my head."
"You'll figure it out," Sam said. "Well, I'd better get going. The babysitter has to get home. I just wanted to drop that stuff by."
Sam let herself out. The bathroom door was still closed. Susan sighed and quickly cleared away the wrappers and paper cups from dinner. Gathering sheets and blankets from the linen cupboard she made up Suzie's bed on the sofa, then went and tapped on the bathroom door.
"Suzie, are you still in there?"
"Maybe."
"Can you come out please? I have to go."
A click as the door unlocked, and then opened. Suzie stepped out, still looking sullen, her face flushed and tear streaked.
Susan didn't really have to go, but she stepped inside and shut the door and waited long enough for the lie to be convincing before coming out again.
Suzie had found the remote and was flipping channels. "This is cool," she said cheerfully. "We don't have cable. Mom said it was to keep me from spending too much time in front of the TV, but I think we just couldn't afford it." She found a show she wanted to watch and Susan sat down to watch with her.
When the show was over Susan said briskly, "Ok, it's 8:30. I think it's time for bed."
"Mom lets me stay up until 10."
"Well, I'm not Mom, and I say it's bedtime. Besides,I've been up since 5:30. I'm pretty tired myself. I think we've both had a rough day."
"Please? Just one more show?"
"Ok," Susan relented. "Just one more show. But first get ready for bed."
"How can I? I don't have any pajamas, remember? And I'm not wearing boys pajamas." Her voice suddenly had a panicky edge to it.
"You don't have to wear boy's pajamas. We'll find you something to wear to bed."
In the bathroom Susan found an unopened toothbrush in the medicine cabinet. While Susie washed up, Susan went into the bedroom.
She had no pajamas herself. She either slept in the raw or in one of Luka's tee-shirts. Susan smiled to herself. How would Suzie react to learn that Susan wore 'boy's pajamas' to bed?
When Suzie emerged from the bathroom Susan had changed into one of Luka's tee-shirts. She held out one of her own old shirts.
"Here. It's going to be big on you, but it's clean and warm and it will do for tonight."
"That's not pajamas."
"I know, but it's all I have. You have to wear something. If you sleep in your clothes they won't be clean for tomorrow."
Suzie nodded and took the shirt reluctantly, then perched on the edge of the bed. "I wish my stuff hadn't gotten burnt up."
"It's just for tonight. Tomorrow we'll get you new p.j.'s or nighties … whatever you want. Now get changed, then you can watch your show and go to sleep."
"Will you tuck me in?"
"You bet. I'll be there in a little while." Susan smiled and shooed her niece from the room, shutting the door behind her. Her smile vanished again and she sank wearily down on the bed, then stretched out and stared up at the ceiling.
God … what was she thinking? She couldn't take care of Suzie; it was impossible. Her work schedule was too hectic. She was on nights all next month … she was supposed to work this weekend. She couldn't possibly find a reliable sitter by then.
If Luka were still alive, she thought, she would have had an excellent reason to refuse; to turn Suzie over to foster care. He was too sick, needed too much time, too much attention, too much care. She couldn't possibly take care of both him and Suzie in a two room apartment. But of course if Luka were still alive, he would have insisted. He would never have allowed her to turn her niece over to strangers. 'She's your family, Susan,' he would have said. 'You can't just abandon her, can you?' Luka understood family … he valued family. You never hurt your family, and you never abandoned them. Of course Luka's experiences with family had been rather different from her own. He'd never met Chloe, or Cookie. His family hadn't defined 'dysfunctional.' Booze ... drugs ... lies ... broken promises. And heaps of denial.
The sound of the bedroom door opening startled her from her thoughts. She sat up quickly to see Suzie standing in the doorway.
"Is your show over already?"
"No, but I turned it off. I came in in the middle and I couldn't figure out what was going on." Suzie sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at her curiously for a moment. "Are you really worried about Mom?"
"No, I told you … she's going to be ok."
"Then why are you crying?"
Shit. The tears came at the damnedest times, didn't they?" Susan quickly wiped them away and tried to think of something to say. She really wasn't ready to explain about Luka. But Suzie went on. "I'm not stupid, Aunt Susan. I know that she's hurt really bad … and Dr. Dubenko even said that she might die." And Suzie's eyes were suddenly bright with tears of her own. "If she dies … what will happen to me?"
It was on the tip of Susan's tongue to say that of course she could stay with her forever … to say something reassuring. But she knew that might be a lie. Susan couldn't think beyond tomorrow, beyond tonight.
"Let's not worry about that right now. There's a really good chance that Mom will be just fine, and in a few weeks you'll be on your way to North Dakota again."
"But how? The car got burnt up. How will we get there?"
"We'll figure something out. Come on now, let's get you off to bed."
"You're really in a hurry to get rid of us, aren't you?"
The words, too blunt, too honest, stopped Susan cold. She stammered for a moment, then began, "Of course not ..." but Suzie interrupted again.
"You didn't call or write or visit us for ages. Now we're here and all you can talk about is us going away again."
"Suzie," Susan said firmly. "I'm not trying to get rid of you. But Mom is going to be ok. And when she's better she has that great job waiting for her. She'll want to get on with things, not hang around here with her little sister."
Susan walked Suzie back to the couch and tucked the blankets over her and kissed her cheek. "Good night." Then back to her own bed, where she cried herself to sleep.
