All You Wanted
The rainy season had finally given into a period of spring warmth. It was a welcome change, even for those who did not immediately notice it.
A rush of traumas came and went, as usual. Having repaired the damage, the doctors and nurses moved onto other, less urgent, duties.
Ceila was alone in a darkened treatment room, working a half shift. She didn't have her hair held in a tight bun today. She opted, instead, for a loose braid. She felt it being tugged from behind. It was Luka. He held the long black braid in his hand, leaned over her shoulder and kissed her. She tried to suppress a giggle.
"Don't! Someone might see you!" she warned.
"No they won't," he whispered and kissed her again.
"I need to see you again," he whispered in her ear.
"You don't need to ask," she whispered back.
**
Luka opened his eyes. The sun was rising and in three hours he had to start work. Ceila slept next to him in his bed, peaceful as a child. He let her sleep. Luka shut off his alarm and turned off his phone. He wanted nothing to disturb her sleep.
** No answer.
Abby stayed on the phone. She wondered why Luka didn't answer his phone. He wasn't at work (he wasn't scheduled for a night shift and the morning shift wouldn't start for another two hours) and she wasn't sure where he could be. He must be at home, she thought. But each answerless ring confirmed what she knew already. He wasn't there. Abby hung up the phone. She would try again later. **
Ceila sat up. She watched as Luka got dressed for work. She smiled. He noticed her mood.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing," she said and reclined in bed.
Luka leaned over her and kissed her on the forehead.
"I'm not going away forever," he assured her. "You'll see me at work."
Ceila grinned and shook her head.
"It's not that."
Luka was confused.
"What?"
She touched his face.
"You."
**
Luka had only spent an hour at work but it seemed like an entire shift. Where was she? he wondered as he looked at his watch.
Ceila casually strolled through the bay doors and went to place her things in her locker.
Luka breathed a sigh of relief. Now the shift wouldn't seem so long.
**
11 AM.
Anxiety emerged from confusion.
Kerry raced around like a chicken without a head. It seemed odd to Ceila for a woman who scowled, fussed and yelled in an authoritarian manner that she should do so in a nervous-hen manner.
"He's here and I am nowhere near done my proposals!" Kerry complained.
"Proposals for what and for whom?" Ceila asked as she raced next to Kerry.
"For the specialist...." Kerry sputtered. "The...the guy who, uh..... you know, SARS..."
Ceila furrowed her brow for a moment and then spoke up.
"You mean an Infection Control Specialist?"
"Yes!" Kerry declared, excitedly pointing her finger at Ceila. "That's it!"
"Just tell him you're not ready," Ceila suggested.
Kerry looked at the girl as if the suggestion were dully stupid.
"I can't do that!"
Kerry grabbed her folder and marched past the admittance desk.
"I could give him a preliminary report if I had the time," Kerry complained.
She turned to Ceila on her heel.
"Can you look after him? All you have to do is keep in the conference room until I come. I'll be only half an hour."
Ceila gaped.
"What? I can't...."
Kerry nodded and started away.
"Thanks."
Ceila called after her.
"Why do I have to do things I'm not supposed to do?"
"Because you're so good at it!" Kerry called back. "Did I tell you what a fantastic job you did in January?"
Ceila, still agape, shook her head.
"No."
"Well, you did a great job!" Kerry supplied with a perfunctory thumbs-up. "Courage!"
Ceila sighed heavily.
Luka came up behind her.
"She has a way of making you do things you don't want to, doesn't she?"
Ceila nodded in a defeated way without looking at him.
"Yeah."
**
Dr. Gavin Lofton waited alone in the waiting area. As was thought, most white-collar professionals in the medical field would have felt like tools waiting with the coughing, dripping masses but Gavin did not mind. It reminded him of his field days.
"Dr. Lofton?"
Gavin turned around. An elfin girl with a long black braid stood before him.
"I must tell you that Dr. Weaver has been detained," she reported in a sweet yet automaton way. "You can wait for her in the conference room. I can take you there, if you like."
Gavin nodded.
"Alright."
"Follow me, please," she said.
Gavin followed her to the elevator.
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name," he regretted.
"I'm Student Nurse Kowalski," she said.
They stepped in the elevator.
Gavin felt a little uncomfortable.
"Do you have a first name, Student Nurse Kowalski?"
She looked at him not expecting such a question.
"Really, practically no one calls me by my first name, except my grandmother and my friends," she said.
"I prefer first names to titles or last names," Gavin said. "Less stuffy and formal."
"Formal isn't always bad," she said.
"What is your first name?" he asked again.
"Ceila," she replied.
A soft, relaxed smile touched Gavin's face.
"Ceila," he intoned. "That's a pretty name."
"We're here," Ceila said as she stepped off the elevator.
Gavin followed her to the conference room. Ceila didn't look at Gavin. She walked ahead of him. Gavin couldn't help but notice this aloofness.
"Are you always this friendly?" he asked.
Ceila turned her head to him.
"Excuse me?"
"I said are you always this friendly?" Gavin repeated. "You walk too fast and make eye contact as little as possible."
Ceila stopped and looked squarely at him.
"What precisely is it that you do, Dr. Lofton?"
Gavin was taken aback at her sudden boldness. However, he would oblige her curiosity, however put on it may have been.
"I study outbreaks of hantaviruses, emerging bugs, public reaction to these problems...."
He caught Ceila's soft blue eyes in all their deceptive coyness.
"Anything infectious."
Ceila kept her gaze from Gavin and fluttered her eyelashes. Waiting for a bit, she continued her path to the conference room.
"Why did Dr. Weaver send you after me?" Gavin asked.
Ceila opened the door to the conference room.
"I thought you disliked last names and titles?"
"And I still think you don't like people," Gavin returned.
Ceila's gaze became hot and cold.
"Some people I don't like."
Gavin's dark eyes became glassy.
"I hope I'm not one of them."
Ceila couldn't help but smile slightly.
"Can I get you something to drink, Dr. Lofton?" she offered.
"Gavin," he supplied. "Coffee, please. Two sugars and black."
Ceila nodded once and went to retrieve Gavin's coffee.
Gavin watched as Ceila strode down the hall. Curious girl, he thought.
**
Ceila turned around carefully to see if Gavin still had his eyes on her. She couldn't see him anymore so she breathed a sigh of relief. He seemed he could do nothing but flirt with her. Ceila hoped that Kerry would take the wind out of his sails.
**
Ceila returned with Gavin's coffee.
"Black, two sugars," she said as she offered him the coffee.
Gavin gratefully accepted the coffee.
"Thanks."
Gavin looked at his watch.
"She won't be long, will she?"
Ceila shook her head.
"No, I don't think so."
Silence.
"You must be from Wisconsin or Canada," Gavin supposed. "I can tell from the way you pronounced your vowels."
Ceila smiled a little.
"Yes. From Canada."
Gavin nodded.
"Ah. From Ottawa or..."
"I was born there," Ceila admitted.
Gavin seemed surprised.
"Oh! Do you know Mike Moran?"
Ceila shook her head.
"No."
Gavin nodded.
"I just thought."
His hands waved about a little.
"Given that there's, like, thirty-one million people over nine million square kilometers, the odds are that someone knows someone from somewhere. That's usually been my experience so I'm not just saying this."
Ceila understood.
"I see. I do know someone from Ottawa."
Gavin swivelled his cup of coffee.
"There you go!"
Just then, the hot contents of Gavin's cup spilled out. Both he and Ceila gasped. The coffee had spilled all down Ceila's scrub shirt.
Gavin was agape.
"I am so sorry!"
Gavin placed the near-empty cup on the table.
"Are you alright?"
Ceila pulled on the shirt.
"I'm fine," she sputtered.
"That was really hot," he said as he reached into his pocket for a Kleenex.
Ceila put her hand up to prevent Gavin from helping her.
"I'm fine," she asserted. "I'll just get another scrub shirt from the supply closet."
Ceila left the room and went past the nurses' station to a supply closet. Gavin followed her, feeling sorry for his carelessness.
"Can I help....?" he called out.
Ceila didn't hear him. She snuck into the closet and rummaged around until she found a green scrub shirt. Gavin could see Ceila through the slit of the door. She removed her soiled scrub shirt and placed the clean one on. There was something to this pretty specimen, he thought.
Ceila exited the storage closet. She was surprised to see that Gavin had followed her.
"I, uh...." Gavin stammered. "I'm sorry about the...."
A blush rose on Ceila's face.
"Yes."
She brushed away the wrinkles on her new scrub shirt.
"We should wait for Dr. Weaver," she suggested.
Gavin agreed and went back to the conference room to wait for Kerry.
**
Though he had waited for nearly an hour, Gavin's meeting with Kerry took only half an hour. He thumbed through her report as he stepped off the elevator.
"I'll go through your report but I do wish you could implement my suggestions."
Kerry could only shrug.
"We simply don't have the money or the manpower."
Gavin grimaced.
"A pathogen won't care for those logistics."
Nevertheless, Gavin gave Kerry a curt smile and bade her adieu.
Ceila entered a trauma room. Gavin peered at her through the door. She moved lightly and swiftly with the attending physicians. Gavin backed away and approached Carter at the admittance desk.
"Excuse me?" he addressed Carter.
Carter lifted his head to Gavin.
"Yes?"
Gavin pointed at Ceila.
"The nurse in the trauma room- Kowalski. What do you know about her?"
Carter's brow furrowed a little before he spoke.
"Nanuq of the North? Orphaned as a child after the Great Tundra Fire of 1983 had wiped out not only her parents but her sixty brothers and sisters, Kowalski bravely trekked to Toronto on her sled (and in the middle of a polar bear stampede, too!) where she made a living as snowshoe-shine kid. She was brought over to Chicago through our "Foster-A-Canadian-Brat" program. Would you like to help? For only forty cents a day, you can feed a Canadian child."
Gavin would not be sold on such a fantastic tale.
"You don't know anything about her, do you?"
Carter shook his head.
"Not as such, no."
Gavin rapped his knuckles on the desk.
"Okay," he exhaled. "Thanks."
Gavin left with Kerry's report in hand, and the name of Ceila on his lips. He reached for his cell phone.
"Charlie? Hi, it's me. I need you to look up a name for me...."
**
Ceila felt absolutely grimy after her extended shift. All she wanted to do was to scrub herself clean and curl up next to Luka in her own bed. He had declined her offer of a joined shower but promised to wait for her. Too tired to argue, she climbed into the shower alone.
Ceila let the hot water cascade through her hair. Her voice rose with an old song she was sung to years ago.
**
Luka could hear Ceila singing in the shower. He wandered about her apartment. He had been so far as the couch and her bedroom. He wandered to the desk in the back of her flat. Her computer was nearly swamped with post-it notes. Her bookshelf was heavily laden with books, most of which were medical texts and foreign language dictionaries- Polish, Russian, Portuguese, Croatian. It was almost as though she did not read for pleasure. Maybe she really hadn't the time to do so. At last, Luka found a well-thumbed copy of Wuthering Heights. He opened the cover. On the inside was an inscription from her mother. It had been a present for her fourteenth birthday. Luka smiled. He had never read the book in English. He might ask for her copy, if she were willing to part with it.
On the other side of her desk, she had a collection of CDs- music and CD-ROMs with a variety of medical studies on them. Her notebooks, crammed with information, were neatly stacked on another shelf. For a student, she kept her place in a reasonably neat condition.
"Do you see anything you like?"
Luka was startled.
"I thought you were still in the shower."
"Finished now," Ceila revealed as she dried her wet hair with a towel.
"I was only looking around," Luka admitted. "I didn't mean to..."
Ceila smiled.
"You can do that," she breathed. "My place is your place, too."
Ceila wrapped her head in a towel.
"I'm gonna get dried off and then we'll have supper."
"I'll cook," Luka offered.
Ceila grinned.
"Thank you."
She spun on her heel to her room.
Luka relaxed. She was not angry at his inadvertent intrusion. He looked once more at her bookshelf. He might see something else he wanted to read. He noticed the plethora of messages Ceila left for herself on post-it notes. Essay for Friday. Work on Saturday- 1 to 4. Phone Dad. Don't forget, stupid- for chest traumas- calculate the anion gap (reference range = 8-12 mmol/L) and base deficit (reference range = ±4 mmol/L) as guides to hypoperfusion and bicarbonate repletion if the patient's initial arterial pH is less than 7.25.
Luka picked off the last note. He locked his eyes on the eviscerating epithet. She was self-punishing. He was seeing it all now. She pushed herself.
**
Ceila staggered to the couch after leaving the supper dishes to soak.
Luka could see how tired she was.
"I suppose you won't have tea."
She crashed prostrate on the couch.
"I don't think I have enough energy to yawn," she breathed.
Luka sat at her feet.
"I don't know why, but I am so exhausted!" she declared.
Luka laughed a little.
"Because you are busy all the time!"
Luka cradled her foot in his hand.
"You push yourself," he said. "You need to learn how to rest."
"I can't rest," she said. Her cool blue eyes were fixed on him, catching him in a truth. "And you can't, either."
Luka felt a little uneasy about her statement. There was truth in it.
Ceila brushed her hand through her drying hair and sighed.
"I was never much good at sitting down. When I was a kid, the Sisters threatened to kill me if I didn't sit still in class."
Luka smiled.
"Sister Petra made me take up stuff like boxing and gymnastics, thinking that it would expend all my energy," Ceila continued. "And my mum taught me some more useful skills."
Ceila's eyes became glassy.
"I think you can physically push yourself but find that it's not enough."
Luka nodded, his gaze having wandered elsewhere.
"I know."
He rubbed her foot gently.
"But if you push yourself too much, you'll fall off the edge."
Ceila's eyes became heavy with sleep.
"Yeah. I think you're right."
Seconds later, Ceila drifted off.
Luka picked her up and carried her to her bed. He placed her under the covers and kissed her cheek. He brushed away long tousles from her face before he retired next to her.
**
Luka woke before Ceila did.
She was still asleep, so unaware of the world. Luka touched her face and lifted himself from the bed. He quietly crept out of the room and went to take a shower.
**
Luka went to work before she did (they couldn't go to work together). When she arrived, she saw that he was with a patient. There would be no chance to talk now. Maybe they could sneak off and share their lunch together, Ceila thought.
Ceila approached a whole pile of charts that Susan had left her in a carrel behind the admittance desk. She could see a familiar face in the corner of her eye.
Gavin had returned.
Gavin smiled and sauntered over to her. Ceila made an effort to slowly back away, at least out of earshot of the gossipy desk staff. Gavin walked along side next to her. Ceila tried to focus on the charts she now carried.
"So," Gavin breathed. "Tell me about yourself, Ceila Kowalski."
Ceila looked at Gavin once with clear eyes and then avoided looking at him.
"There is nothing to say," she answered quietly.
Gavin laughed.
"I don't believe that, Ceila. I've done my homework."
Ceila prepared herself.
"Ceila Susan Kowalski," Gavin started. "Your father is American and your mother is Canadian. You have a penchant for climbing as you do for kick-boxing, studying for medical exams and learning other languages."
Ceila's eyes burned Gavin.
"Where did you find all of this out?"
Gavin grinned and shrugged.
"I've been asking around, rummaging through a few files, twisting a few arms."
Gavin looked squarely at her.
"You're more interesting than you let on."
Ceila stopped in her tracks.
"What do you want from me?"
Gavin laughed incredulously.
"I don't want anything from you! I just.... want to get to know you."
"You know more than enough!" she snapped.
Gavin did not flinch.
"Have dinner with me?"
Ceila went absolutely pale.
"I can't. It's not appropriate, and you know it!" she gaped.
Gavin laughed, something he seemed to have a habit of.
"No it's not! I'm not a doctor here and you're barely a nurse. I'm here only to discuss contingency plan for emerging bio-hazards. I'm not seeing a conflict-of-interest, and I'm not taking no for an answer."
Ceila did not move. She lowered her eyes.
"So, will you?" he pressed.
Ceila lifted her gaze.
"And what if I say yes?"
Gavin bore a devilish grin.
"Then I would say: meet me at Le Fournier's at eight. And you say?"
She could hate herself.
"Alright."
**
Ceila kept her head down since arriving promptly at Le Fournier's at eight. Long black curls fell from the fixed roll at the back of Ceila's head. Her eyes were fixed on the hem of her light blue dress rather than on Gavin who sat across from her.
"Did you lose something?"
Ceila shot her head up.
"I'm sorry?"
Gavin smiled gently on her.
"You kept your head down. Did you lose something?"
Ceila tried to wave off Gavin's concern.
"I'm just a little tired."
Gavin nodded.
"Teaching hospitals milk students for every ounce of energy they have. Believe me, I've been there," he related.
Ceila agreed.
"Will you drink wine?" he asked.
Ceila shook her head.
"No thank you."
Gavin flagged down the waiter. He related his order to him.
"Ceila?"
"A salad, please," she said.
The waiter took the orders and went to the kitchen.
Gavin leaned on the table.
"Are you alright?" he asked. "We could always go somewhere else."
Ceila shook her head.
"No, I'm alright." She looked around. "I like this place. It's nice."
Gavin nodded and placed a napkin on his lap. He looked at the dress Ceila was wearing.
"I like that colour," he commented.
Ceila's attention was elsewhere.
"I'm sorry?"
Gavin nodded to the turquoise stone around her neck.
"I said I like the colour you have on. It suits you. Much better than pink."
He chuckled.
"They don't let you play around with your uniform much. It leaves nothing to the imagination. You look so much better like this."
Ceila had heard the lines before from softer lips. She didn't want to give into Gavin's seductions. She put her hands on the table.
"What would the protocol be for a SARS-like contagion loose in an inner-city hospital?"
He gaffed.
"I can't believe you're asking me this while we're going to eat dinner!"
Ceila was unshaken.
"I would like to know."
Gavin's eyes bulged in their sockets.
"Now?"
Ceila's cool reserve came into full effect.
"I'm planning to be a nurse in the Arctic where I am the last line of defence against anything and I would like to know- now, if possible- what I should do if I ever to encounter such a contagion?"
Gavin sipped his water.
"You're either desperately trying to avoid me or that is the worst come-on line I've ever heard!"
Ceila straightened her shoulders.
"No, I'm trying to come on to you."
Gavin gave in.
"You're a funny, funny woman, Ceila."
Ceila smiled wryly and whipped a napkin over her lap.
Gavin had another sip of water. He locked his jaw.
"I'm not five. I see what's happening. You're trying to avoid me. Are you seeing someone?"
Ceila looked him in the eye and uttered with a quick, quiet confidence.
"Yes."
Gavin became downcast, as though a block of ice had formed in the pit of his stomach.
"I see," he said at last. "That's why you were trying to shoot me down."
Ceila could see how he was stung.
"I wanted to tell you before, but I couldn't. Don't take this the wrong way, Gavin."
Gavin could not believe her response.
"How should I take it? I'm shot down by a gorgeous woman I'm spending a fortune on!"
Her look was ever ingenuous.
"If it helps, I only ordered the salad."
Predictably, it had no effect on Gavin.
Ceila leaned on the table.
"You don't want me."
Gavin's face read of want.
"Yes I do."
Ceila summoned a courage that she had failed to draw on before.
"So does someone else, and I want him. I'm sorry."
Ceila folded up her napkin. She huffed a little.
"I'm sure you hate me by now."
Gavin reached for her hands.
"No," he shook his head. "Never."
**
They scarcely talked during a dinner they barely touched. Gavin dropped Ceila off at her flat. He looked up the rickety iron-wrought steps over the Thai restaurant's kitchen.
"You live here?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "Rent's as cheap as hell given that someone was made into sushi here."
Gavin was shocked.
"Really?"
Ceila nodded.
"Yeah."
She kicked a pebble at her toe.
"Are you leaving tomorrow?"
Gavin nodded.
"Yeah."
He shrugged.
"I was supposed to have left today," he admitted, "but something held me back."
Ceila felt self-conscious again. His wanting her had her at ill ease. She never felt desirable, nor had she wanted that effect on anyone. Now she wished for anonymity, to be a particular face, if not a different one.
"You'll forget me when you're gone," she said, feeling that it was a lie.
Gavin backed away for her.
"You don't strike me as the kind to be forgotten."
Ceila watched as Gavin entered his car and drove away.
Ceila trudged into her flat. She threw her keys onto the coffee table. Just then, her cell phone went off. She answered it.
"Can I come over?"
Ceila did not smile to hear Luka's voice.
"Of course."
**
Ceila hated the darkness. Outside lights barely creaked through the blinds. She could faintly see the plaster on the ceiling. She tucked her hands under her head. She thought of Gavin. Why did he want her? Was it the same as Luka's wanting her? She tried to fool herself that Gavin was like the others whose fantasy it was that behind the facade of the sweet-faced student was a young woman who yearned for intimate company. But Ceila knew she could not continue with that untruth. Indeed, Gavin had seen her as a pretty face but he did stay for her. Ceila had no choice but to let him go. She had who she truly wanted.
"Luka?' she called out softly.
Luka rolled over and nudged his half-sleeping form against Ceila.
"Yes?"
She touched his head.
"Nothing."
Luka grunted.
"You woke me up for nothing?"
Ceila smiled and shook her head.
"No. I just wanted to say that I adore you."
Luka rested her head on her chest.
"I would wake you up to tell you that, too," he whispered.
Ceila raised a surprised brow.
"Why haven't you?"
Luka half-shrugged.
"I don't know. I suppose I was sleeping."
She playfully smacked him.
"Get back to sleep, you lazy-ass!"
**
Those whom God wishes to destroy, He first makes mad.
Another night shift. This shift in particular was pushing for time. Ceila had to run from her classes to the el train and right to her shift. She was five minutes late.
Carter marched behind her.
"You're late."
Ceila rolled her eyes. She did not relish answering to Carter.
"I had class."
Carter shook his head.
"Don't apologize to me," he returned. "Kerry's the one who wants you."
"What for?" Ceila asked.
Carter did not look at her but rather focussed on his paperwork.
"Don't know. She's in treatment room five."
Ceila grimaced.
"Thanks."
Ceila stamped off to see Kerry.
Luka emerged from a treatment room.
"You're late!"
Ceila was in no mood to be reminded of her failings. Luka could see that.
"Don't worry!" he assured her. "I'll tell everyone that you were one hour early!"
Ceila had to smile. Luka always had a way of making her feel happy.
"I have to go see Dr. Weaver now," she unhappily revealed.
Just then, thunder belted the earth.
"Not a good sign," Luka shook his head. "Tell me about it after. I'll be in this room for a while. A man tried to fix his satellite dish with a pair of pliers."
Ceila grimaced.
"Never drink and use the wrong tools!" Luka warned as he returned to the treatment room.
That being said, Ceila made unwilling haste to Kerry. She saw that Kerry was examining an x-ray.
"Ah, Student Nurse Kowalski! Please." Kerry motioned her forward."I need to talk to you."
Ceila stood before Kerry. Her back was ramrod straight.
"Yes?"
Kerry patted the girl on the shoulder.
"A little bird tells me you had an association that might be considered problematic."
Ceila remained aloof. She wondered if Kerry was talking about her and Luka. Whatever the case was, Ceila decided she would apologize for nothing.
"Someone told me that you were with Dr. Lofton on an unofficial capacity," Kerry said quietly.
Ceila's gaze had become ice. She crossed her arms.
"Did they?"
Kerry nodded.
"Now, I realize that, technically, at least, there is no conflict-of-interest given that he is not a doctor here and you are not his student but there is the appearance of propriety."
Ceila nodded.
"Well," she exhaled, "officially, he is the one who invited me to dinner, which consisted of nothing more than a brief discussion of infection control and colours."
Kerry seemed surprised.
"Colours?"
"Yes," Ceila nodded.
Kerry nodded in return.
"I see. And was there anything else?"
Ceila shook her head.
"Officially? No. He drove me home. Officially."
Kerry was stunted by Ceila's obstinance but had no choice but to trust her.
"Well, I suppose this doesn't need to go any further, but it would be advisable that you avoid such associations," Kerry counselled. "They could prove damaging."
Ceila coldly regarded Kerry. She had never asked for the woman's help but was not ungrateful for it. Nevertheless, Ceila did not care for Kerry's incessant vigilance. She felt it was intrusive.
"Understood," Ceila answered.
Kerry, believing the girl was sincere, smiled. She slowly walked with Ceila toward the centre of the ER.
Kerry chuckled.
"If this is as racy as things get, I guess we can handle it!"
Ceila was touched by Kerry sudden levity.
Kerry continued to chuckle.
"I wonder how I could rationalize your dinner-date with Dr. Lofton?!"
Kerry walked on without Ceila.
When Ceila turned her head, she noticed that Luka had finished treating his patient. He had heard everything. He glared at Ceila.
Ceila froze. She felt guilty. She reached for Luka.
"Luka, please...."
Luka brushed by her and charged toward the bay doors. Ceila ran after him.
Frank saw Luka storming for the doors.
"Dr. Kovac, there's a call from...." he started.
"Take a message!" Luka snapped brusquely and went out into the driving rain.
Ceila ran after him.
"Luka, wait!"
Luka either did not hear her or ignored her. He strode past the ambulance bay onto the street.
Ceila chased after him.
"Please don't be angry with me," she pleaded.
Luka could only look at her.
"Why were you there? With him!"
"I didn't want to be," she admitted weakly.
Ceila paused.
"He wanted an answer so I gave him one," she answered uneasily.
Luka was disbelieving.
"At dinner?"
"Yes," she answered. "I told him what I wanted. I want you. I want everything about you."
Luka still did not believe her.
"No you don't! You don't know what you are saying! You want what you believe I am! You don't know me any more than I know you!"
Ceila shook her head.
"That's not true! I know you more than you think I do!"
The rain was drenching them.
"Where is this coming from Luka?" she asked frantically. "I know I should have told him to back away and I didn't. I'm sorry, but I want only you."
Luka's expression softened a little.
"Then you should have tried harder."
Ceila scowled.
"Who are you to talk? You think I don't know?! Is there anyone who hasn't been with you? You find one man who knows me the way others know you!"
She was ready to stamp away.
"You're the one who's a whore!"
Luka grabbed her wrist.
"Please don't go!"
"Why shouldn't I?" she snapped.
Luka looked helpless and defeated in the face of Ceila's indignation.
"Because I don't want you to go."
Ceila became less defensive.
"I don't want to go, but I don't think I have a choice."
"Yes, you do," Luka said in a voice to be heard just above the driving rain. "Stay."
Stay.
The word was lead upon Luka's lips. Ceila couldn't bring herself to react. Luka first pushed her away and then drew her back to him.
"What do you really want?" she asked.
"I don't want you to go," he answered.
"Then I won't," she said. "But I won't stay like this."
And for a while, neither of them said anything.
Ceila finally broke the silence.
"I'm getting out of the rain, Luka," she said. "I'll see you in the morning."
Luka did not nod or even acknowledge her words. He felt ashamed that he did not trust her. She had been honest. He was letting his fear get the best of him.
**
Ceila trudged back into the ER. She was sopping wet and still stung by Luka's words. She could see under the sagging tresses flopped in front of her face that the gossipy masses in the ER had seen her and Luka's dramatic exits. Susan locked her eyes on the girl. Ceila's face was contorted in anger.
"What?!" She yelled.
One could see Susan's head snap back at Ceila's outburst. Susan, in her stoic manner, said nothing but let the girl stamp away to a drier, quieter place.
**
Luka had finally come in from the rain. There was no audience to greet him. He slipped into an empty treatment room with a towel and a set of scrubs. He kept thinking of Ceila. Her trust of him had not wavered, though his trust of her had done so. He wouldn't be surprised if she no longer wanted anything to do with him.
"Luka?"
Luka turned around. A voice that was not Ceila's had called him. It was raspier, a rasp that one got from smoking.
Abby stood at the door.
"Uh, hi," she said awkwardly.
Luka nodded politely.
Abby walked to him.
"I was wondering...."
Abby stopped. Her hands wrung themselves.
"Yes?" Luka asked.
"I wanted to..." she started.
Luka's face had the look of genuine concern. It both comforted and frightened Abby.
"I could use some help at my place," Abby said. "If you're....not.... you know, busy. If you can come by in a couple of days. I have a day off and- if you could....?"
Luka smiled a little and nodded. Why not?, he thought.
"Yes, alright."
*
The rainy season had finally given into a period of spring warmth. It was a welcome change, even for those who did not immediately notice it.
A rush of traumas came and went, as usual. Having repaired the damage, the doctors and nurses moved onto other, less urgent, duties.
Ceila was alone in a darkened treatment room, working a half shift. She didn't have her hair held in a tight bun today. She opted, instead, for a loose braid. She felt it being tugged from behind. It was Luka. He held the long black braid in his hand, leaned over her shoulder and kissed her. She tried to suppress a giggle.
"Don't! Someone might see you!" she warned.
"No they won't," he whispered and kissed her again.
"I need to see you again," he whispered in her ear.
"You don't need to ask," she whispered back.
**
Luka opened his eyes. The sun was rising and in three hours he had to start work. Ceila slept next to him in his bed, peaceful as a child. He let her sleep. Luka shut off his alarm and turned off his phone. He wanted nothing to disturb her sleep.
** No answer.
Abby stayed on the phone. She wondered why Luka didn't answer his phone. He wasn't at work (he wasn't scheduled for a night shift and the morning shift wouldn't start for another two hours) and she wasn't sure where he could be. He must be at home, she thought. But each answerless ring confirmed what she knew already. He wasn't there. Abby hung up the phone. She would try again later. **
Ceila sat up. She watched as Luka got dressed for work. She smiled. He noticed her mood.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing," she said and reclined in bed.
Luka leaned over her and kissed her on the forehead.
"I'm not going away forever," he assured her. "You'll see me at work."
Ceila grinned and shook her head.
"It's not that."
Luka was confused.
"What?"
She touched his face.
"You."
**
Luka had only spent an hour at work but it seemed like an entire shift. Where was she? he wondered as he looked at his watch.
Ceila casually strolled through the bay doors and went to place her things in her locker.
Luka breathed a sigh of relief. Now the shift wouldn't seem so long.
**
11 AM.
Anxiety emerged from confusion.
Kerry raced around like a chicken without a head. It seemed odd to Ceila for a woman who scowled, fussed and yelled in an authoritarian manner that she should do so in a nervous-hen manner.
"He's here and I am nowhere near done my proposals!" Kerry complained.
"Proposals for what and for whom?" Ceila asked as she raced next to Kerry.
"For the specialist...." Kerry sputtered. "The...the guy who, uh..... you know, SARS..."
Ceila furrowed her brow for a moment and then spoke up.
"You mean an Infection Control Specialist?"
"Yes!" Kerry declared, excitedly pointing her finger at Ceila. "That's it!"
"Just tell him you're not ready," Ceila suggested.
Kerry looked at the girl as if the suggestion were dully stupid.
"I can't do that!"
Kerry grabbed her folder and marched past the admittance desk.
"I could give him a preliminary report if I had the time," Kerry complained.
She turned to Ceila on her heel.
"Can you look after him? All you have to do is keep in the conference room until I come. I'll be only half an hour."
Ceila gaped.
"What? I can't...."
Kerry nodded and started away.
"Thanks."
Ceila called after her.
"Why do I have to do things I'm not supposed to do?"
"Because you're so good at it!" Kerry called back. "Did I tell you what a fantastic job you did in January?"
Ceila, still agape, shook her head.
"No."
"Well, you did a great job!" Kerry supplied with a perfunctory thumbs-up. "Courage!"
Ceila sighed heavily.
Luka came up behind her.
"She has a way of making you do things you don't want to, doesn't she?"
Ceila nodded in a defeated way without looking at him.
"Yeah."
**
Dr. Gavin Lofton waited alone in the waiting area. As was thought, most white-collar professionals in the medical field would have felt like tools waiting with the coughing, dripping masses but Gavin did not mind. It reminded him of his field days.
"Dr. Lofton?"
Gavin turned around. An elfin girl with a long black braid stood before him.
"I must tell you that Dr. Weaver has been detained," she reported in a sweet yet automaton way. "You can wait for her in the conference room. I can take you there, if you like."
Gavin nodded.
"Alright."
"Follow me, please," she said.
Gavin followed her to the elevator.
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name," he regretted.
"I'm Student Nurse Kowalski," she said.
They stepped in the elevator.
Gavin felt a little uncomfortable.
"Do you have a first name, Student Nurse Kowalski?"
She looked at him not expecting such a question.
"Really, practically no one calls me by my first name, except my grandmother and my friends," she said.
"I prefer first names to titles or last names," Gavin said. "Less stuffy and formal."
"Formal isn't always bad," she said.
"What is your first name?" he asked again.
"Ceila," she replied.
A soft, relaxed smile touched Gavin's face.
"Ceila," he intoned. "That's a pretty name."
"We're here," Ceila said as she stepped off the elevator.
Gavin followed her to the conference room. Ceila didn't look at Gavin. She walked ahead of him. Gavin couldn't help but notice this aloofness.
"Are you always this friendly?" he asked.
Ceila turned her head to him.
"Excuse me?"
"I said are you always this friendly?" Gavin repeated. "You walk too fast and make eye contact as little as possible."
Ceila stopped and looked squarely at him.
"What precisely is it that you do, Dr. Lofton?"
Gavin was taken aback at her sudden boldness. However, he would oblige her curiosity, however put on it may have been.
"I study outbreaks of hantaviruses, emerging bugs, public reaction to these problems...."
He caught Ceila's soft blue eyes in all their deceptive coyness.
"Anything infectious."
Ceila kept her gaze from Gavin and fluttered her eyelashes. Waiting for a bit, she continued her path to the conference room.
"Why did Dr. Weaver send you after me?" Gavin asked.
Ceila opened the door to the conference room.
"I thought you disliked last names and titles?"
"And I still think you don't like people," Gavin returned.
Ceila's gaze became hot and cold.
"Some people I don't like."
Gavin's dark eyes became glassy.
"I hope I'm not one of them."
Ceila couldn't help but smile slightly.
"Can I get you something to drink, Dr. Lofton?" she offered.
"Gavin," he supplied. "Coffee, please. Two sugars and black."
Ceila nodded once and went to retrieve Gavin's coffee.
Gavin watched as Ceila strode down the hall. Curious girl, he thought.
**
Ceila turned around carefully to see if Gavin still had his eyes on her. She couldn't see him anymore so she breathed a sigh of relief. He seemed he could do nothing but flirt with her. Ceila hoped that Kerry would take the wind out of his sails.
**
Ceila returned with Gavin's coffee.
"Black, two sugars," she said as she offered him the coffee.
Gavin gratefully accepted the coffee.
"Thanks."
Gavin looked at his watch.
"She won't be long, will she?"
Ceila shook her head.
"No, I don't think so."
Silence.
"You must be from Wisconsin or Canada," Gavin supposed. "I can tell from the way you pronounced your vowels."
Ceila smiled a little.
"Yes. From Canada."
Gavin nodded.
"Ah. From Ottawa or..."
"I was born there," Ceila admitted.
Gavin seemed surprised.
"Oh! Do you know Mike Moran?"
Ceila shook her head.
"No."
Gavin nodded.
"I just thought."
His hands waved about a little.
"Given that there's, like, thirty-one million people over nine million square kilometers, the odds are that someone knows someone from somewhere. That's usually been my experience so I'm not just saying this."
Ceila understood.
"I see. I do know someone from Ottawa."
Gavin swivelled his cup of coffee.
"There you go!"
Just then, the hot contents of Gavin's cup spilled out. Both he and Ceila gasped. The coffee had spilled all down Ceila's scrub shirt.
Gavin was agape.
"I am so sorry!"
Gavin placed the near-empty cup on the table.
"Are you alright?"
Ceila pulled on the shirt.
"I'm fine," she sputtered.
"That was really hot," he said as he reached into his pocket for a Kleenex.
Ceila put her hand up to prevent Gavin from helping her.
"I'm fine," she asserted. "I'll just get another scrub shirt from the supply closet."
Ceila left the room and went past the nurses' station to a supply closet. Gavin followed her, feeling sorry for his carelessness.
"Can I help....?" he called out.
Ceila didn't hear him. She snuck into the closet and rummaged around until she found a green scrub shirt. Gavin could see Ceila through the slit of the door. She removed her soiled scrub shirt and placed the clean one on. There was something to this pretty specimen, he thought.
Ceila exited the storage closet. She was surprised to see that Gavin had followed her.
"I, uh...." Gavin stammered. "I'm sorry about the...."
A blush rose on Ceila's face.
"Yes."
She brushed away the wrinkles on her new scrub shirt.
"We should wait for Dr. Weaver," she suggested.
Gavin agreed and went back to the conference room to wait for Kerry.
**
Though he had waited for nearly an hour, Gavin's meeting with Kerry took only half an hour. He thumbed through her report as he stepped off the elevator.
"I'll go through your report but I do wish you could implement my suggestions."
Kerry could only shrug.
"We simply don't have the money or the manpower."
Gavin grimaced.
"A pathogen won't care for those logistics."
Nevertheless, Gavin gave Kerry a curt smile and bade her adieu.
Ceila entered a trauma room. Gavin peered at her through the door. She moved lightly and swiftly with the attending physicians. Gavin backed away and approached Carter at the admittance desk.
"Excuse me?" he addressed Carter.
Carter lifted his head to Gavin.
"Yes?"
Gavin pointed at Ceila.
"The nurse in the trauma room- Kowalski. What do you know about her?"
Carter's brow furrowed a little before he spoke.
"Nanuq of the North? Orphaned as a child after the Great Tundra Fire of 1983 had wiped out not only her parents but her sixty brothers and sisters, Kowalski bravely trekked to Toronto on her sled (and in the middle of a polar bear stampede, too!) where she made a living as snowshoe-shine kid. She was brought over to Chicago through our "Foster-A-Canadian-Brat" program. Would you like to help? For only forty cents a day, you can feed a Canadian child."
Gavin would not be sold on such a fantastic tale.
"You don't know anything about her, do you?"
Carter shook his head.
"Not as such, no."
Gavin rapped his knuckles on the desk.
"Okay," he exhaled. "Thanks."
Gavin left with Kerry's report in hand, and the name of Ceila on his lips. He reached for his cell phone.
"Charlie? Hi, it's me. I need you to look up a name for me...."
**
Ceila felt absolutely grimy after her extended shift. All she wanted to do was to scrub herself clean and curl up next to Luka in her own bed. He had declined her offer of a joined shower but promised to wait for her. Too tired to argue, she climbed into the shower alone.
Ceila let the hot water cascade through her hair. Her voice rose with an old song she was sung to years ago.
**
Luka could hear Ceila singing in the shower. He wandered about her apartment. He had been so far as the couch and her bedroom. He wandered to the desk in the back of her flat. Her computer was nearly swamped with post-it notes. Her bookshelf was heavily laden with books, most of which were medical texts and foreign language dictionaries- Polish, Russian, Portuguese, Croatian. It was almost as though she did not read for pleasure. Maybe she really hadn't the time to do so. At last, Luka found a well-thumbed copy of Wuthering Heights. He opened the cover. On the inside was an inscription from her mother. It had been a present for her fourteenth birthday. Luka smiled. He had never read the book in English. He might ask for her copy, if she were willing to part with it.
On the other side of her desk, she had a collection of CDs- music and CD-ROMs with a variety of medical studies on them. Her notebooks, crammed with information, were neatly stacked on another shelf. For a student, she kept her place in a reasonably neat condition.
"Do you see anything you like?"
Luka was startled.
"I thought you were still in the shower."
"Finished now," Ceila revealed as she dried her wet hair with a towel.
"I was only looking around," Luka admitted. "I didn't mean to..."
Ceila smiled.
"You can do that," she breathed. "My place is your place, too."
Ceila wrapped her head in a towel.
"I'm gonna get dried off and then we'll have supper."
"I'll cook," Luka offered.
Ceila grinned.
"Thank you."
She spun on her heel to her room.
Luka relaxed. She was not angry at his inadvertent intrusion. He looked once more at her bookshelf. He might see something else he wanted to read. He noticed the plethora of messages Ceila left for herself on post-it notes. Essay for Friday. Work on Saturday- 1 to 4. Phone Dad. Don't forget, stupid- for chest traumas- calculate the anion gap (reference range = 8-12 mmol/L) and base deficit (reference range = ±4 mmol/L) as guides to hypoperfusion and bicarbonate repletion if the patient's initial arterial pH is less than 7.25.
Luka picked off the last note. He locked his eyes on the eviscerating epithet. She was self-punishing. He was seeing it all now. She pushed herself.
**
Ceila staggered to the couch after leaving the supper dishes to soak.
Luka could see how tired she was.
"I suppose you won't have tea."
She crashed prostrate on the couch.
"I don't think I have enough energy to yawn," she breathed.
Luka sat at her feet.
"I don't know why, but I am so exhausted!" she declared.
Luka laughed a little.
"Because you are busy all the time!"
Luka cradled her foot in his hand.
"You push yourself," he said. "You need to learn how to rest."
"I can't rest," she said. Her cool blue eyes were fixed on him, catching him in a truth. "And you can't, either."
Luka felt a little uneasy about her statement. There was truth in it.
Ceila brushed her hand through her drying hair and sighed.
"I was never much good at sitting down. When I was a kid, the Sisters threatened to kill me if I didn't sit still in class."
Luka smiled.
"Sister Petra made me take up stuff like boxing and gymnastics, thinking that it would expend all my energy," Ceila continued. "And my mum taught me some more useful skills."
Ceila's eyes became glassy.
"I think you can physically push yourself but find that it's not enough."
Luka nodded, his gaze having wandered elsewhere.
"I know."
He rubbed her foot gently.
"But if you push yourself too much, you'll fall off the edge."
Ceila's eyes became heavy with sleep.
"Yeah. I think you're right."
Seconds later, Ceila drifted off.
Luka picked her up and carried her to her bed. He placed her under the covers and kissed her cheek. He brushed away long tousles from her face before he retired next to her.
**
Luka woke before Ceila did.
She was still asleep, so unaware of the world. Luka touched her face and lifted himself from the bed. He quietly crept out of the room and went to take a shower.
**
Luka went to work before she did (they couldn't go to work together). When she arrived, she saw that he was with a patient. There would be no chance to talk now. Maybe they could sneak off and share their lunch together, Ceila thought.
Ceila approached a whole pile of charts that Susan had left her in a carrel behind the admittance desk. She could see a familiar face in the corner of her eye.
Gavin had returned.
Gavin smiled and sauntered over to her. Ceila made an effort to slowly back away, at least out of earshot of the gossipy desk staff. Gavin walked along side next to her. Ceila tried to focus on the charts she now carried.
"So," Gavin breathed. "Tell me about yourself, Ceila Kowalski."
Ceila looked at Gavin once with clear eyes and then avoided looking at him.
"There is nothing to say," she answered quietly.
Gavin laughed.
"I don't believe that, Ceila. I've done my homework."
Ceila prepared herself.
"Ceila Susan Kowalski," Gavin started. "Your father is American and your mother is Canadian. You have a penchant for climbing as you do for kick-boxing, studying for medical exams and learning other languages."
Ceila's eyes burned Gavin.
"Where did you find all of this out?"
Gavin grinned and shrugged.
"I've been asking around, rummaging through a few files, twisting a few arms."
Gavin looked squarely at her.
"You're more interesting than you let on."
Ceila stopped in her tracks.
"What do you want from me?"
Gavin laughed incredulously.
"I don't want anything from you! I just.... want to get to know you."
"You know more than enough!" she snapped.
Gavin did not flinch.
"Have dinner with me?"
Ceila went absolutely pale.
"I can't. It's not appropriate, and you know it!" she gaped.
Gavin laughed, something he seemed to have a habit of.
"No it's not! I'm not a doctor here and you're barely a nurse. I'm here only to discuss contingency plan for emerging bio-hazards. I'm not seeing a conflict-of-interest, and I'm not taking no for an answer."
Ceila did not move. She lowered her eyes.
"So, will you?" he pressed.
Ceila lifted her gaze.
"And what if I say yes?"
Gavin bore a devilish grin.
"Then I would say: meet me at Le Fournier's at eight. And you say?"
She could hate herself.
"Alright."
**
Ceila kept her head down since arriving promptly at Le Fournier's at eight. Long black curls fell from the fixed roll at the back of Ceila's head. Her eyes were fixed on the hem of her light blue dress rather than on Gavin who sat across from her.
"Did you lose something?"
Ceila shot her head up.
"I'm sorry?"
Gavin smiled gently on her.
"You kept your head down. Did you lose something?"
Ceila tried to wave off Gavin's concern.
"I'm just a little tired."
Gavin nodded.
"Teaching hospitals milk students for every ounce of energy they have. Believe me, I've been there," he related.
Ceila agreed.
"Will you drink wine?" he asked.
Ceila shook her head.
"No thank you."
Gavin flagged down the waiter. He related his order to him.
"Ceila?"
"A salad, please," she said.
The waiter took the orders and went to the kitchen.
Gavin leaned on the table.
"Are you alright?" he asked. "We could always go somewhere else."
Ceila shook her head.
"No, I'm alright." She looked around. "I like this place. It's nice."
Gavin nodded and placed a napkin on his lap. He looked at the dress Ceila was wearing.
"I like that colour," he commented.
Ceila's attention was elsewhere.
"I'm sorry?"
Gavin nodded to the turquoise stone around her neck.
"I said I like the colour you have on. It suits you. Much better than pink."
He chuckled.
"They don't let you play around with your uniform much. It leaves nothing to the imagination. You look so much better like this."
Ceila had heard the lines before from softer lips. She didn't want to give into Gavin's seductions. She put her hands on the table.
"What would the protocol be for a SARS-like contagion loose in an inner-city hospital?"
He gaffed.
"I can't believe you're asking me this while we're going to eat dinner!"
Ceila was unshaken.
"I would like to know."
Gavin's eyes bulged in their sockets.
"Now?"
Ceila's cool reserve came into full effect.
"I'm planning to be a nurse in the Arctic where I am the last line of defence against anything and I would like to know- now, if possible- what I should do if I ever to encounter such a contagion?"
Gavin sipped his water.
"You're either desperately trying to avoid me or that is the worst come-on line I've ever heard!"
Ceila straightened her shoulders.
"No, I'm trying to come on to you."
Gavin gave in.
"You're a funny, funny woman, Ceila."
Ceila smiled wryly and whipped a napkin over her lap.
Gavin had another sip of water. He locked his jaw.
"I'm not five. I see what's happening. You're trying to avoid me. Are you seeing someone?"
Ceila looked him in the eye and uttered with a quick, quiet confidence.
"Yes."
Gavin became downcast, as though a block of ice had formed in the pit of his stomach.
"I see," he said at last. "That's why you were trying to shoot me down."
Ceila could see how he was stung.
"I wanted to tell you before, but I couldn't. Don't take this the wrong way, Gavin."
Gavin could not believe her response.
"How should I take it? I'm shot down by a gorgeous woman I'm spending a fortune on!"
Her look was ever ingenuous.
"If it helps, I only ordered the salad."
Predictably, it had no effect on Gavin.
Ceila leaned on the table.
"You don't want me."
Gavin's face read of want.
"Yes I do."
Ceila summoned a courage that she had failed to draw on before.
"So does someone else, and I want him. I'm sorry."
Ceila folded up her napkin. She huffed a little.
"I'm sure you hate me by now."
Gavin reached for her hands.
"No," he shook his head. "Never."
**
They scarcely talked during a dinner they barely touched. Gavin dropped Ceila off at her flat. He looked up the rickety iron-wrought steps over the Thai restaurant's kitchen.
"You live here?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "Rent's as cheap as hell given that someone was made into sushi here."
Gavin was shocked.
"Really?"
Ceila nodded.
"Yeah."
She kicked a pebble at her toe.
"Are you leaving tomorrow?"
Gavin nodded.
"Yeah."
He shrugged.
"I was supposed to have left today," he admitted, "but something held me back."
Ceila felt self-conscious again. His wanting her had her at ill ease. She never felt desirable, nor had she wanted that effect on anyone. Now she wished for anonymity, to be a particular face, if not a different one.
"You'll forget me when you're gone," she said, feeling that it was a lie.
Gavin backed away for her.
"You don't strike me as the kind to be forgotten."
Ceila watched as Gavin entered his car and drove away.
Ceila trudged into her flat. She threw her keys onto the coffee table. Just then, her cell phone went off. She answered it.
"Can I come over?"
Ceila did not smile to hear Luka's voice.
"Of course."
**
Ceila hated the darkness. Outside lights barely creaked through the blinds. She could faintly see the plaster on the ceiling. She tucked her hands under her head. She thought of Gavin. Why did he want her? Was it the same as Luka's wanting her? She tried to fool herself that Gavin was like the others whose fantasy it was that behind the facade of the sweet-faced student was a young woman who yearned for intimate company. But Ceila knew she could not continue with that untruth. Indeed, Gavin had seen her as a pretty face but he did stay for her. Ceila had no choice but to let him go. She had who she truly wanted.
"Luka?' she called out softly.
Luka rolled over and nudged his half-sleeping form against Ceila.
"Yes?"
She touched his head.
"Nothing."
Luka grunted.
"You woke me up for nothing?"
Ceila smiled and shook her head.
"No. I just wanted to say that I adore you."
Luka rested her head on her chest.
"I would wake you up to tell you that, too," he whispered.
Ceila raised a surprised brow.
"Why haven't you?"
Luka half-shrugged.
"I don't know. I suppose I was sleeping."
She playfully smacked him.
"Get back to sleep, you lazy-ass!"
**
Those whom God wishes to destroy, He first makes mad.
Another night shift. This shift in particular was pushing for time. Ceila had to run from her classes to the el train and right to her shift. She was five minutes late.
Carter marched behind her.
"You're late."
Ceila rolled her eyes. She did not relish answering to Carter.
"I had class."
Carter shook his head.
"Don't apologize to me," he returned. "Kerry's the one who wants you."
"What for?" Ceila asked.
Carter did not look at her but rather focussed on his paperwork.
"Don't know. She's in treatment room five."
Ceila grimaced.
"Thanks."
Ceila stamped off to see Kerry.
Luka emerged from a treatment room.
"You're late!"
Ceila was in no mood to be reminded of her failings. Luka could see that.
"Don't worry!" he assured her. "I'll tell everyone that you were one hour early!"
Ceila had to smile. Luka always had a way of making her feel happy.
"I have to go see Dr. Weaver now," she unhappily revealed.
Just then, thunder belted the earth.
"Not a good sign," Luka shook his head. "Tell me about it after. I'll be in this room for a while. A man tried to fix his satellite dish with a pair of pliers."
Ceila grimaced.
"Never drink and use the wrong tools!" Luka warned as he returned to the treatment room.
That being said, Ceila made unwilling haste to Kerry. She saw that Kerry was examining an x-ray.
"Ah, Student Nurse Kowalski! Please." Kerry motioned her forward."I need to talk to you."
Ceila stood before Kerry. Her back was ramrod straight.
"Yes?"
Kerry patted the girl on the shoulder.
"A little bird tells me you had an association that might be considered problematic."
Ceila remained aloof. She wondered if Kerry was talking about her and Luka. Whatever the case was, Ceila decided she would apologize for nothing.
"Someone told me that you were with Dr. Lofton on an unofficial capacity," Kerry said quietly.
Ceila's gaze had become ice. She crossed her arms.
"Did they?"
Kerry nodded.
"Now, I realize that, technically, at least, there is no conflict-of-interest given that he is not a doctor here and you are not his student but there is the appearance of propriety."
Ceila nodded.
"Well," she exhaled, "officially, he is the one who invited me to dinner, which consisted of nothing more than a brief discussion of infection control and colours."
Kerry seemed surprised.
"Colours?"
"Yes," Ceila nodded.
Kerry nodded in return.
"I see. And was there anything else?"
Ceila shook her head.
"Officially? No. He drove me home. Officially."
Kerry was stunted by Ceila's obstinance but had no choice but to trust her.
"Well, I suppose this doesn't need to go any further, but it would be advisable that you avoid such associations," Kerry counselled. "They could prove damaging."
Ceila coldly regarded Kerry. She had never asked for the woman's help but was not ungrateful for it. Nevertheless, Ceila did not care for Kerry's incessant vigilance. She felt it was intrusive.
"Understood," Ceila answered.
Kerry, believing the girl was sincere, smiled. She slowly walked with Ceila toward the centre of the ER.
Kerry chuckled.
"If this is as racy as things get, I guess we can handle it!"
Ceila was touched by Kerry sudden levity.
Kerry continued to chuckle.
"I wonder how I could rationalize your dinner-date with Dr. Lofton?!"
Kerry walked on without Ceila.
When Ceila turned her head, she noticed that Luka had finished treating his patient. He had heard everything. He glared at Ceila.
Ceila froze. She felt guilty. She reached for Luka.
"Luka, please...."
Luka brushed by her and charged toward the bay doors. Ceila ran after him.
Frank saw Luka storming for the doors.
"Dr. Kovac, there's a call from...." he started.
"Take a message!" Luka snapped brusquely and went out into the driving rain.
Ceila ran after him.
"Luka, wait!"
Luka either did not hear her or ignored her. He strode past the ambulance bay onto the street.
Ceila chased after him.
"Please don't be angry with me," she pleaded.
Luka could only look at her.
"Why were you there? With him!"
"I didn't want to be," she admitted weakly.
Ceila paused.
"He wanted an answer so I gave him one," she answered uneasily.
Luka was disbelieving.
"At dinner?"
"Yes," she answered. "I told him what I wanted. I want you. I want everything about you."
Luka still did not believe her.
"No you don't! You don't know what you are saying! You want what you believe I am! You don't know me any more than I know you!"
Ceila shook her head.
"That's not true! I know you more than you think I do!"
The rain was drenching them.
"Where is this coming from Luka?" she asked frantically. "I know I should have told him to back away and I didn't. I'm sorry, but I want only you."
Luka's expression softened a little.
"Then you should have tried harder."
Ceila scowled.
"Who are you to talk? You think I don't know?! Is there anyone who hasn't been with you? You find one man who knows me the way others know you!"
She was ready to stamp away.
"You're the one who's a whore!"
Luka grabbed her wrist.
"Please don't go!"
"Why shouldn't I?" she snapped.
Luka looked helpless and defeated in the face of Ceila's indignation.
"Because I don't want you to go."
Ceila became less defensive.
"I don't want to go, but I don't think I have a choice."
"Yes, you do," Luka said in a voice to be heard just above the driving rain. "Stay."
Stay.
The word was lead upon Luka's lips. Ceila couldn't bring herself to react. Luka first pushed her away and then drew her back to him.
"What do you really want?" she asked.
"I don't want you to go," he answered.
"Then I won't," she said. "But I won't stay like this."
And for a while, neither of them said anything.
Ceila finally broke the silence.
"I'm getting out of the rain, Luka," she said. "I'll see you in the morning."
Luka did not nod or even acknowledge her words. He felt ashamed that he did not trust her. She had been honest. He was letting his fear get the best of him.
**
Ceila trudged back into the ER. She was sopping wet and still stung by Luka's words. She could see under the sagging tresses flopped in front of her face that the gossipy masses in the ER had seen her and Luka's dramatic exits. Susan locked her eyes on the girl. Ceila's face was contorted in anger.
"What?!" She yelled.
One could see Susan's head snap back at Ceila's outburst. Susan, in her stoic manner, said nothing but let the girl stamp away to a drier, quieter place.
**
Luka had finally come in from the rain. There was no audience to greet him. He slipped into an empty treatment room with a towel and a set of scrubs. He kept thinking of Ceila. Her trust of him had not wavered, though his trust of her had done so. He wouldn't be surprised if she no longer wanted anything to do with him.
"Luka?"
Luka turned around. A voice that was not Ceila's had called him. It was raspier, a rasp that one got from smoking.
Abby stood at the door.
"Uh, hi," she said awkwardly.
Luka nodded politely.
Abby walked to him.
"I was wondering...."
Abby stopped. Her hands wrung themselves.
"Yes?" Luka asked.
"I wanted to..." she started.
Luka's face had the look of genuine concern. It both comforted and frightened Abby.
"I could use some help at my place," Abby said. "If you're....not.... you know, busy. If you can come by in a couple of days. I have a day off and- if you could....?"
Luka smiled a little and nodded. Why not?, he thought.
"Yes, alright."
*
