Fate's Children
Things had settled down for the most part. No one was reproachful for past wrongs and sleep came easily for most people.
But not for everyone.
Luka lay awake in his bed. Ceila was sleeping next to him.
"Ceila?" he whispered to her.
Luka stared at the ceiling. No light shone in the room.
"Ceila?"
"Mmmmm?"
"Ceila, I had a dream," he said.
Ceila was sufficiently awakened to offer her indifference borne from fatigue.
"So?"
Luka was annoyed.
"It's a dream! You take your dreams very fucking seriously! They are telling you things!"
Ceila rolled over and paid her lover heed.
"What was your dream about?"
Luka looked at ceiling again.
"I dreamt I saw Death."
"Death?" Ceila queried incredulously.
Luka nodded.
"I saw her."
Ceila's brow furrowed.
"Her?"
Luka was more than annoyed. He was incensed.
"Dammit, Ceila!"
Wishing to be both sensitive and conciliatory, Ceila apologized quickly.
"Sorry."
Luka now calmed down and related his dream to Ceila.
"I saw Death. We were in a crowded room and she was sitting across from me. She did not look differently from anyone. She was- particular, but not different. She left her chair and embraced me, like a friend, like she had known me all along."
Ceila furrowed her brow once more and pursed her lips.
"Luka, I don't think it was Death."
Luka tried to object but Ceila shushed him.
"I think this woman you saw was, um, a repressed...thing..." she proffered. "Something at the back of your mind that's been forgotten. I don't know, but I don't think it was Death."
Luka would not believe Ceila's theory.
"Ceila, it was Death," he insisted.
Exhausted, Ceila huffed impatiently.
"Luka, look. Did you die in your dream?"
He shook his head.
"No."
"Then it wasn't Death," Ceila said finally. "Now good night!"
Luka could argue his point no more. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
**
For a change, Ceila woke before Luka did. She let him sleep. He needed all the peace he could get.
She rose from bed, went to the kitchen and made tea.
Ceila wrapped her hands around her mug. She thought of what Luka said and how quick she was to dismiss his dream. She let fatigue rule her emotions. After Luka awoke from his coma, he remembered nothing and, consequently, did not feel how he had cheated death. Those feelings developed after everyone reminded him of what happened. He became pale and had a tightness about the chest. Kerry let him have time off but it was not enough. Every night he had a dream, not of his death but of curious or vague things. Women dressed in black, places he had been to, faces that were familiar yet not familiar. Ceila had no idea what any of those things meant, nor did she know how she might help him.
"Hey!"
Luka had woken up and made his way to the kitchen.
Ceila put her mug down.
"Luka, you're awake! Let me get you some tea."
Luka sat at the kitchen table and let Ceila make him some tea.
"Did you have another dream?" she asked.
Luka shook his head.
"No."
Luka and Ceila were about to say something at the same time but stopped to let the other speak.
"You go," Luka insisted.
Ceila sat down and put Luka's tea in front of him.
"Luka, I didn't mean to ignore you last night."
Luka smiled and shook his head.
"It's just that..." Ceila tried to explain, "ever since...what happened.....people have been telling you how lucky you are to be alive in a way that.....It's like you're a roadside accident and lucky to pull out of it, but I don't think you feel lucky to be alive."
Luka did not look at her.
"You're right. I don't feel lucky."
She touched his hand.
"You are lucky."
Luka now looked at her.
"Why?"
Ceila thought for a second.
"I've always been told that if you're alive, it's because God wants you to be alive."
Luka looked insulted. His face screwed up in disgust.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?! I'm alive and others are dead! God wants me alive for that?!"
Ceila's ice-blue eyes never wavered.
"I don't know what is in the mind of God but, yeah, Luka. You're alive, and when I see the people you've saved and when I think how happy I am with you, then I can't think of anything else."
Ceila brushed back long locks of wavy black hair.
"It's conceivable that the only reason why that one guy exists is so you can save his life and it's also conceivable that the old woman on the corner is alive only to say good morning to me. We're alive, Luka, even if we don't know why we are. Sure, people talk and talk about it but they only talk themselves in circles and raise bigger questions to the ones they are supposed to answer. I say life is to infinitesimally short to ask those questions. Just live."
Luka ran his finger along the rim of his mug.
"That's not an attitude to take."
Ceila huffed and threw her head back.
"You talk too easily of death, Luka. Talk about life, instead."
She grabbed his hands.
"Luka. Let's get out of here. I finish my practicum soon. Ask Kerry for time off. We'll head up North. You'll see all those places I've been telling you about."
Luka smiled a little. He touched Ceila's face.
"Maybe I'll take you to my home in Šibenik. You know- with the rough rocks and the ports and the pirates who buried treasure!"
Ceila laughed.
"I'm packing my bags!"
Ceila left the kitchen to take a shower. Luka leaned on the table and rested his head on his arms. He shut his eyes and tried to think of home.
**
"Abby?"
Abby was startled out of her revery by Susan.
"You're lost in space," Susan rattled. "What's wrong?"
Abby shook her head.
"Nothing," she lied.
Abby grabbed the chart she was filling out and fled the admittance desk and away from eavesdropping ears. Susan took the hint.
"What's up?" Susan asked.
Abby did not look at her.
"Do you think I should go back to med school?"
Susan rolled her eyes.
"What? Abandon the glorious proletariat nurses' struggle?"
Abby became impatient.
"I was being serious."
Abby gulped.
"I just thought after Luka nearly died on us that I could be a little more than some hand-holding, pee-collecting drone!"
Abby smiled awkwardly and looked at Susan quickly.
"Just a thought."
Susan nodded her head.
"If you think it's best."
Abby smiled some more.
"Luka thought...."
Susan grinned.
"You've been thinking a lot about Luka, haven't you?"
Abby swivelled her head to Susan, a frown etched on her face.
"No I haven't! I can't stand him!"
Abby stamped away leaving Susan flustered.
"Why does everybody want me dead?" she asked herself.
**
Abby stopped storming away when she saw Ceila in a treatment room. The girl was performing tasks that had become her staple since coming to County General. Abby wondered how she managed to fit in enough hours of trauma duties.
"Hey!" Abby called out.
Ceila turned her head.
"Oh, hello," she said casually.
Abby ambled into the treatment room.
"Still busy?" Abby said, feigning interest in what Ceila did.
"Yes," Ceila nodded her head.
Abby bit on her lip.
"How's...Luka?"
Ceila stopped what she was doing.
"What makes you think I know?"
Abby could see through Ceila's obfuscation.
"It's just that you seem to talk to him a lot."
Ceila nodded. She picked up a sheet.
"He's trying to hold up."
"Is that all?" Abby asked.
Ceila folded the sheet. There was a mark of tension on her face.
"He told me he saw Death."
Abby's eyes bugged out.
"Death? Like, really? The Grim Reaper? The sickle and everything?"
Ceila shook her head.
"No, like, in a dream," she explained. "Some woman that's familiar or something like that. I don't quite understand."
Abby nodded. Things were making sense in a roundabout way.
Ceila finished folding the sheet.
"I'm not surprised he has dreams about Death," Ceila admitted. "Things people feel or see get incorporated in the random images we call dreams, but his dreams seem more vivid. I think he feels unlucky to have survived and feels depressed about it. He should probably talk to a priest or a psychiatrist or somebody about it but... you know him- he's Mr. Iron-Man."
Abby's gaze was blank. She knew all too well.
"Yeah. Absolutely."
Abby's hands fell to her sides.
"Well, I'll let you get back to work. Later."
Ceila nodded politely and continued to work.
**
Abby sat beside Susan in the lounge.
"That proves it!" Abby rasped. "That is incontrovertible evidence! They are fucking!"
Susan begged Abby to keep her voice down but the woman was too incensed to pay her heed.
"They are doing it!" Abby rasped. "They are sleeping together. Him and that....that.... NAFTA whore!"
Susan wondered where Abby got that insult from.
"You don't know that, Abby," Susan said sotto voce.
"Yes, I do!" Abby spat back. "She's always cozied up to him on their spare time! He is standing on guard for thee, if you know what I mean, and I think you do!"
Susan shushed her just as Kerry wandered in to replenish her cup of coffee. Having filled her cup, Kerry left the lounge.
Abby continued her accusatory tirade.
"I wonder how long this has been going on? Weeks? Months?"
Susan tried to calm Abby down again.
"You can't prove any of this, Abby! Kowalski probably felt really bad about what happened and paid Kovac a visit."
Abby shook her head.
"Oh no! They're sleeping together and he's been giving her good marks!"
Susan shook her head.
"He doesn't grade her, Abby, and besides, Kowalski might be a nob half of the time but she's on the ball when it comes to her work, no matter what screw you think Kovac is turning."
Abby was appalled.
"Do not use nob, screw and Luka in the same sentence, Susan. It conjures up memories."
Abby stared wistfully into space.
"Long, lingering, stroking, throbbing memories."
"My point," Susan continued, "is that you can't prove either of them are sleeping with one another, ergo, no sleeping to get to the top."
Abby stood up.
"Oh no! I'm convinced that Kowalski the NAFTA whore is sleeping with Luka the man-whore!"
Susan could not comprehend Abby's persistence.
"Even if they were, so what? What do you care?"
Abby halted.
"It's...unethical."
Susan smirked.
"Since when did you care about ethics? Since Kovac and Kowalski were involved?"
"That's not true!" Abby denied. "Ethics keep this place afloat!"
Abby started toward the lounge door.
"I'm going right to Kerry and I'm going to say....."
"Vanessa!" Abby shouted at Kerry.
"I mean- Kerry, Luka Kovac and Ceila Kowalski are.....!"
Kerry, still in wonder as to why Abby had invaded the privacy of her office, waited for the woman's seemingly imminent revelation.
"Yes?"
Abby hesitated. The bile that had risen in her throat had now become an obstruction. Whatever emotion she had failed her, as it had always done. She froze.
"Yes, Abby?" Kerry prompted her.
"They are mammals!" Abby spat out and left Kerry's office.
Kerry placed down her pen and tried to make sense of Abby's cryptic outburst.
**
Susan caught up to Abby as she was leaving work.
"Hey, Abby! Wait up!"
Abby only ignored her and walked faster.
Susan bolted to her side.
"Hey, Mary Sunshine! Did you tell Kerry?"
Abby finally stopped.
"No, I didn't."
Susan seemed shocked.
"You said you would."
Abby clenched her fists.
"I didn't tell her, alright! I'm chicken shit! Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Susan would not put up with Abby's outburst.
"No, but I did want to hear you would sleep on it before spreading a rumour."
"It's not a rumour...." Abby insisted.
Susan huffed.
"Until there is an X-rated video of them on the Internet, it is a rumour."
Abby bit her lip.
"You're not going to look for a video like that, are you, Abby?" Susan asked.
"No!" Abby snapped. "I'm gonna go home and pretend this never happened."
"Good thinking!" Susan commented.
Abby stormed away before Susan could chasten her further.
Susan sighed. There was no reaching her friend, she supposed.
**
It had started to rain.
Ceila thought it best for Luka to move into her flat for the time being. She believed a change of scenery was in order.
Both Ceila and Luka sat at the opposite edges of the bed. Luka crunched and uncrunched his toes and Ceila brushed her hair.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I am forming balls with my toes," Luka informed her. "It will help me sleep."
Ceila was confused.
"Isn't that supposed to help you with jet lag?"
Luka stopped, defeated, and scowled.
"Goddammit!"
Ceila looked sorry she ever said anything. She stopped brushing her hair.
"I'm sorry."
Luka shook his head, fell back on the bed and laughed.
"No! I only thought that might help me sleep but it won't! You're right!"
He looked at the ceiling.
"I'm never going to sleep."
"Maybe Demerol might help," Ceila suggested.
Luka rose from his slumped position.
"No, something more.....red!"
"Red?" Ceila quizzed.
Luka ran to the refrigerator and ran back to the bedroom with a bottle and bottle-opener.
"Chianti!" he cried.
"Where did you get that bottle?" Ceila asked.
"I got it," he answered quickly. "Have some."
Ceila shook her head.
"No, Luka, I can't."
He opened the bottle and lay on the bed.
"Come on!"
Ceila resisted.
"No."
Luka pouted in a culmination of childlike play and seduction.
Ceila curled into a ball.
"Please, Luka, I can't."
He had a drop of wine on his forefinger. He rubbed the drop on Ceila's lips.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, Luka, I am," she asserted.
Luka lay back with the bottle of Chianti.
"Last chance."
"I don't think so, Luka," Ceila apologized.
Luka shrugged and gulped back some wine.
"I might keep some for you," he barely promised.
She touched his brow.
"Keep it for a while."
**
The rain pelted down and splattered on the window panes.
Abby, having changed into her bed clothes, looked out the window briefly and sat at the edge of her bed. She thought of what Ceila had told her. Maybe it wasn't odd that Luka would have disturbing dreams, Abby reasoned, but she did not wish to hear such things from Ceila. She hated the fact that the student nurse had a better rapport with her former lover than she had. What could they have had in common? Luka was older than Ceila. He was an experienced doctor and she was a student nurse. Maybe Ceila reminded Luka of someone. Abby huffed. Maybe the answer was much simpler. Luka was a man and Ceila was tight-assed little vixen. Abby laughed at her unfounded conclusion. She reclined on her bed and closed her eyes, wanting sleep to overtake her.
Abby shot up from her sedate position. Her jaw quivered as if she were cold. Her eyes were made large by the presence of someone unknown in her room.
The woman sat still in the chair next to the dresser. Her hands were folded and she smiled, the glow of which was not as vibrant as her eyes. She wore a long black dress and kept her black hair rolled neatly on her head.
"Who are you?" Abby stammered.
The woman did not answer. She simply smiled.
Abby gulped. What Ceila had said to her before echoed in her head.
"Are you Death?"
The woman shook her head.
"No," she answered in soft, dulcet tones. "I have been with Luka from the beginning."
Abby did not understand. The woman smiled.
"I am Luka's watcher."
Abby tried to understand.
"Like his guardian angel?"
"Yes, something like that," the woman smiled. "His guardian angel."
The woman rose from the chair.
"I visit him every so often, to let him know I am with him."
Abby curled herself up on her bed.
"Aren't you supposed to protect him?"
The woman sat next to Abby.
"What I am supposed to do and what you think I am supposed to are different things."
The woman touched Abby's brow.
"Sleep, Abby."
Abby reclined slowly, unable to recoil from the woman's cold touch.
**
7:05 AM.
The alarm blared loudly.
Abby shot up and slammed the off button. The sun had come out and dried the pavement. The chair next to the dresser had been jarred slightly and the edge of the bed was depressed by a human form but Abby didn't notice. She staggered out of bed to the bathroom, washed her face and prepared for the day.
**
Luka's eyes flickered open. Ceila slept next to him. Her black hair was splayed dramatically against her pale skin and the whiteness of the pillow. His fingers traced her face. She still slept. Luka laid his head on her breast and strained to hear her heart.
He had a dream about her.
She was waiting for him in the rain. He was in a big, dark house and there was no way for him to get out. He could only watch her from the window.
Now awake and listening to her heart, Luka decided he not want to ever be separated from her. He knew this as her heartbeat became louder and her skin warmer to the touch.
**
They had been up for two hours.
Ceila shut off her computer. She ran to Luka who was still finishing his breakfast.
"I e-mailed my friend," she reported. "He said we can use his cottage."
Luka smiled.
"I like the sound of that."
Ceila tied back her hair and swung her bag over her shoulder.
"I knew you would! Now all you need is some official vacation time and we're set!"
Ceila bolted out the door.
"Later!"
Luka nodded. He would ask Kerry for the time off. He needed it, after all.
Luka reached for his cell phone and dialled in a familiar number.
"Hello, Kerry? I must ask you something."
**
Ceila was still on the el train when Luka phoned her about the happy news. Luka was able to take time off, meaning he could lounge in cottage country or take a jet plane to Šibenik. She grinned. Things were coming into play. The distance between her and Luka was closing. She could feel it. Maybe she could not understand his dreams but she did know him. She knew him more than anyone else did. She cared about him more than anyone else did. All she wanted was for him to be happy. She could do that if she could tighten the circle around him.
Ceila thought some more. Accord must be restored in all arenas. Ceila bit the inside of her cheeks. She would have to swallow her pride for that to happen.
The el train stopped. Ceila stepped off and made her way to the ER.
**
Carter checked the woman's heartbeat once more.
"Still weak, Mrs. Waits," he addressed his patient.
He turned to Lily.
"Keep her monitored."
Carter wrote some more instructions on the chart, gave them to Lily and walked out of the trauma room. In the corner of his eye he could see a well-kempt waif shadow him wordlessly and with a hung head.
"Yes, Student Nurse Kowalski?" he cried without looking at her.
Ceila raised a brow.
"What? No Nanuq of the North? No Working-Man's Angelina Jolie?"
Carter was annoyed.
"Ceila, I have no time to play the Name Game."
Ceila looked disappointed.
"But you usually do. Granted, you're not as good at it as Dr. Lewis is but you rattle them off so well."
He spun around.
"Get to the point."
Ceila's eyes were a simple blue.
"I was mean to you and I'm sorry."
Carter tried his best not to look defeated.
"Forget about it," he muttered without emotion.
Ceila offered a slight smile.
"I will now."
With that, Ceila disappeared amid the mingled bodies of the sick and the working.
Carter damned the girl. He could not hate her. It must have taken every ounce of strength to swallow her pride and apologize to him, he thought. However, it now made it difficult to despise her. Ceila was good at taking things on the chin. And turning the tables.
Carter flung a pair of used gloves in the rubbish, feeling utterly useless and defeated.
**
Abby observed Ceila as she pumped oxygen into the elderly patient.
"We have to keep her blood pressure at seventy," Abby advised.
Ceila nodded.
Abby noted the vital signs on the monitor.
Ceila was focussed on the task at hand.
"Abby, do you mind if I ask you something?"
Abby was put off guard that the girl should ask her anything. She never did, really. No advice, professional or otherwise.
"Sure," Abby replied.
"Do you think even little things have an effect on bigger things?" Ceila asked. "Like, even seemingly insignificant things?"
Abby shrugged.
"I guess so."
Abby was curious.
"Why do you ask?"
Ceila similarly shrugged.
"No reason."
Abby disbelieved her.
"Does this have to do with anything?"
"No," Ceila denied. "Just thinking."
Ceila drew in breath.
"Maybe you should have dinner with Dr. Luka," she suggested. "He'll want to have dinner with a friend."
Abby was stunned by Ceila's suggestion. She tried not to let it show.
"What makes you say that?"
Abby could see that her question agitated Ceila.
"I just thought Dr. Luka needs to be connected to someone here," Ceila replied. "Make him feel like someone still cares about him."
Abby crossed her arms.
"And what makes you think that no one does?"
Ceila became more evasive, decisively so. She smiled wryly.
"You ask an awful lot of questions, Nurse Lockhart."
**
The day went on. The halted progress of time was weighing down on Ceila. There were no traumas rushing by, no assistance was needed. There was only the slowness of time and tedious chores to do.
Romano walked into the suture room where Ceila was preparing beds.
"Hey, Working-Man's Angelina Jolie!"
Ceila turned her head at once and, seeing it was Romano, continued working.
"I'm wondering if you have time to view surgery," Romano piped. "Some very interesting things have been happening in chest cavities."
"Not interested," Ceila muttered.
"Of course you are!" Romano chuckled. "You know what they say about surgery and sex!"
"I'm not interested in that, either!" Ceila snapped back.
Romano crossed his arms.
"Maybe a bowl of Fat Girl's Choice French Vanilla ice cream then?"
Ceila ignored him.
Romano bit his lip.
"Look, I'm trying to apologize, and yes, I realize I suck at it, but I still want to do it."
Ceila swivelled her head to him.
"I don't want it."
Romano huffed.
"Look, I may not be a touchy-feely hippy-guy but I see where I am wrong. And I also know bullshit when I see it!"
Ceila threw down a bed sheet.
"I don't want anything from you!"
"Whatever, Kowalski!" Romano sassed as he turned from the room. "Maybe we'll have a shot of tequila later!"
"Whatever!" she shouted back.
**
Abby skulked about in the hallway. She wanted to be hidden. She kept her head and shoulders low, as if such actions would somehow make her unseen. She lifted her head when she saw Luka walk unannounced and unhindered into the lounge.
Abby wanted to follow him but could not find the strength. She had avoided Luka before in many respects. She had not wanted to talk to him about their faltering relationship or about her mother's treatment (she had seen how right he was and was grateful when he did not impress his rightness on her). She snapped at him and blamed him when he had any faith in her or offered help.
She was not sure why she avoided him.. It could not have been pity or concern (let alone affection) that drove her to him now. Abby chided herself for that possibility. Rather, Abby felt goaded, albeit, indirectly by a young girl whom she felt was infatuated with her former lover. Her legs did not budge. She wanted them to. She had to reach Luka or lose him for good.
Abby moved to the lounge through a strength not familiar to her. She saw Luka at his locker removing some things.
"Hey!" she piped.
Luka turned around. He seemed surprised to see her.
"Oh! Hello!"
"I haven't seen you in a week!" Abby smiled. "How are you? You doing okay?"
Abby moved close enough to see his eyes. She saw the symmetry of his face- his cheekbones, his lips, even his eyelashes. She remembered his beauty.
"I'm alright," he answered uneasily. "Kerry is good enough to let me rest, but I have to return to work in a while."
Abby shrugged.
"Work- bane of our existence."
"I guess," Luka concurred.
Abby put her hands in her pockets.
"I was just wondering if you were free tomorrow night for dinner at the Jasmine Garden?"
Luka looked hesitant.
"I don't know...."
Abby slapped Luka on the shoulder, adamant for a positive answer.
"Come on! You remember the Jasmine Garden. It's your favourite place!"
Luka scratched his head.
"I'd like to go but I can't. Carter would not like it."
Abby's face became stone.
"Don't worry about him, Luka. Be at the Jasmine Garden at eight. I'll meet you there."
Luka suddenly smiled.
"Alright."
She returned his smile and felt warm at the thought of the future meeting.
**
Abby had taken a cab to the Jasmine Garden. To have taken her own car would have aroused suspicion in Carter. Luka was there- naturally- and waited outside for her. Abby smiled. He simply wore khakis and a short-sleeved shirt. No matter what he wore, Abby thought, he always looked good. He had his hands in his pockets and smiled when he saw her.
"I thought Carter would not let you go," he admitted.
"I don't need his permission to do anything!" Abby smirked.
Luka was taken aback.
"Oh no! I meant that he might not like you to have dinner with me."
Abby pulled the door of the restaurant open.
"I don't care what he likes."
Luka shrugged and went in.
A waitress led them to a table and poured them some water.
Abby clasped her hands together.
"Are you going to have your usual?"
Luka shook his head.
"Don't tell me this is my favourite place, Abby. I read the restaurant review, too."
Abby looked chagrined but Luka sought to reassure her.
"No, Abby. Thank you for taking me here. I like Thai food. I do."
Abby felt a little absolved.
"I just thought you could use a night out instead of staying at home or working half-shifts."
Luka could see her point.
Abby now smiled and placed a napkin on her lap.
"Besides, here you can eat the rice with your hands."
Luka laughed.
"I haven't eaten with my hands since I was a child."
Abby was incredulous.
"I was only two!" Luka defended himself.
Abby placed a napkin on her lap.
"I didn't know that about you."
Luka sipped his water.
"There is a lot you don't know about me."
Abby felt chagrined again. She knew he was right. At least Luka did not linger on past wrongs. She could easily forget them.
"How have you been keeping?" she asked. "I mean- when you're not at the hospital, what do you do?"
Luka looked at a menu.
"My friends have come by to see me."
Abby nodded.
"Oh, that's good!"
Silence.
"Kowalski come by?" Abby asked uneasily.
Luka briefly stopped looking at the menu.
"Yes."
His eyes returned to the menu.
"She is very concerned about me."
Abby avoided his eyes.
"I'm sure she is."
He looked back at her again.
"Sorry?"
"Let's order," Abby quickly suggested.
Luka nodded and looked at the menu once more.
**
After the meal, Abby took Luka back to his apartment building. She walked him up to his flat. He picked up a stack of mail left in his mailbox, evidence of a suspicious absence. Abby pretended not to notice. She only looked around.
"This place is darker than what I remember," Abby said.
Luka only shrugged as he placed his mail down.
"It's the same place as it always has been."
Abby chuckled and pointed to a window.
"That's the place where Carter and I came in before...."
Luka did not smile. His grave look cowed Abby into a contrite mood.
"Would you like some coffee or tea?" he offered.
Abby shook her head.
"No, I'm fine. I just thought...."
She swallowed.
"I just thought we would talk."
Luka was confused.
"About what?"
Abby wondered if Luka was indeed clueless or if he had moved on, as he had an ability for.
Luka moved closer to the couch.
"I don't think there is anything to talk about."
He hung his head sadly.
"It should have been done before."
"Maybe," Abby agreed. "But there's always something that could have been said or done. Maybe."
She looked into his eyes.
"Do you feel sad...about...what's happened?" she asked. "Ever?"
He looked at her, tempting himself to brush away the lock of hair on her cheek.
"Maybe, but I think of other things. It's okay now, I think."
He was more solid to himself.
"I know it's okay."
Abby touched Luka's face.
"It's been different without you."
Luka did not warm to Abby's touch. He seemed not to want it. Trembling, he took her hand from his face.
"Maybe I should call a taxi for you."
Abby pushed her body against his and pressed her lips to his unready mouth.
**
It was early morning when she finally stirred. Abby touched Luka's head once and left him asleep on the couch. She buttoned her blouse, put on her skirt and crept out the door, hoping that Luka would keep silent.
**
The phone rang.
Luka shot up from the couch. He saw that Abby was gone. The phone rang again. It had been days since he heard his own phone ring, an inconvenience he was without being at Ceila's flat. Half-clothed, he stumbled to the phone. He saw Ceila's cell phone number on the display screen. He did not pick up the phone but backed away slowly and went to bathe.
**
Abby arrived at work early today. A smile was on her face and a spring was in her step. She seemed uncharacteristically happy. She even chirped morning greetings at the patients.
"How are you, Mr. Baxter?"
The old man in the gurney smiled back at her.
"Abby?"
Abby spritely turned on her heel.
"Hello, Ceila!"
Ceila rushed to her. Her hair was tied back crudely and her scrub suit was dishevelled.
"Abby, I've been looking for you."
Abby fluttered her eyes in disbelief.
"What? No 'good morning, Abby?' Nothing?"
Ceila gulped.
"I need to ask you something."
"Ask away," Abby chirped.
Ceila swatted away loose tousles.
"Where did you take Luka?"
Abby was surprised at the girl's forwardness.
"Luka?"
"Dr. Kovac, I mean," Ceila corrected.
"Out," Abby simply answered and trotted away. "Why?"
"I only ask," Ceila stuttered, "because I phoned his apartment and he wasn't there. I was worried. It was so late."
Abby laughed.
"You don't need to worry about two adults, Ceila."
Ceila caught up with Abby.
"I worry because he nearly died."
Abby nodded her head to Ceila.
"Looks pretty good for guy who cheated death."
Abby resumed her happy canter.
Ceila stopped moving but kept her eyes on Abby, wondering at her carefree attitude.
**
Luka didn't want to be at work today. He felt guilty about a lot of things. He wasn't sure if it was a sense of duty or need that forced him to move.
Luka closed the door of his locker slowly. The white coat he regularly wore was taking on an uneasiness with each wearing. Deaths he could not stop, the frailty of his own body and self, his own diminishing purpose at the hospital, people around him, things he had done or not done. All of it forced his mind elsewhere.
"Luka!"
He spun around. Ceila, her hair and uniform unkempt, staggered to him.
"I tried to call you," she said, reaching for his hands and holding them to her face. "Luka, where were you?"
He removed his hands from her face gently.
"I went with Abby for dinner. It was very late so I was at my own place...."
Ceila's brow furrowed.
"I called you there."
Luka avoided her eyes.
"I must have turned the phone off."
Ceila breathed a sigh of relief. She picked up his hand and held it to her face.
"I just didn't know where you were. I know I shouldn't worry but I do."
He grinned.
"Don't."
He touched the lop-sided roll she quickly effected.
"First, get your hair out of your face. You look like no one owns you."
Ceila laughed.
Luka swung his arm over her shoulder.
"Then, we have a patient who has infrequent muscular spasms but no other discernible neurological symptoms."
"Not enough potassium?" Ceila quizzed.
Luka shrugged.
"Maybe. Help me find out."
Ceila started fixing her hair and followed Luka to the trauma area.
**
Their shifts had ended hours ago.
Carter sat on the bed and looked out of Abby's bedroom window. People jaunted by for a summer evening stroll. He wanted to walk with her but she would not go out with him. A busy day shift would make one too tired for such strolls.
"Abby?"
Abby poked her head of the bathroom where she was brushing her hair.
"Yeah?"
Carter now looked at her.
"Where did you go last night?"
Abby laughed as she brushed her hair.
"Why?"
Carter would not be moved by her obstinance.
"I just want to know."
Abby put down the brush and fingered the handle.
"I went out with Luka."
Carter was surprised.
"Did you?"
Abby swallowed. She would not budge for him.
"Yeah, and we had a nice time. The Jasmine Garden lives up to its reputation."
Carter rose from the bed.
"Really?"
Abby now laughed at Carter's skepticism.
"We just had dinner. That's all. I thought he could use a night out. Well- Ceila suggested it but I seconded the motion and we had a nice time."
Abby resumed brushing her hair.
Carter scoffed.
"Funny. Ceila was the one who put him in the coma in the first place."
Abby's head swivelled to Carter.
"That's not true! It was Dr. McAllister. Besides, what if I were there? He probably would have blamed me! That's the problem! Nurses get the blame for doctors' screw-ups."
Carter shook his head.
"Don't pit nurses versus doctors, Abby."
"It's true!" she shouted back.
Abby was really indignant.
"You know, you wouldn't have made an issue out of it if I were a doctor or if Ceila were a doctor."
Carter was incredulous.
"What?"
"It's true!" Abby maintained.
"You're just trying to create a conflict where there is none, and I find it extremely odd seeing as you can't stand Ceila!" he exclaimed.
Abby threw the hairbrush on her bed.
"This has nothing to do with Ceila, John! It's simply a matter of right and wrong, and don't pretend that there isn't a gap between the nurses and the doctors! Yeah, sure, fine, the doctors have all this training and blahblahblah, but that doesn't mean that when things head south, nurses should be blamed for things that are not their fault!"
Carter leaned on one foot.
"You slept with Luka, didn't you?"
Abby's face screwed up in disgust.
"I can't believe you!"
Abby moved to her bed and pulled at her blanket.
"And I am tired of you acting as though you own me!"
Carter crossed his arms.
"Oh, do I?"
Abby was toe-to-toe with him.
"Yeah, you do."
"Well, maybe I wouldn't feel that way if I didn't feel compelled to bail you out whenever you have a little crisis or you need help buying Prada!" Carter spat.
Abby's face glowed lividly.
"Get out of my room!" she demanded and threw down a pillow.
Carter grabbed the pillow.
"Gladly!"
Abby slammed the bedroom door after him and buried her face in her hands.
**
When Abby woke up, she saw that Carter was not in the apartment. In her heart, she was glad. He had said (and perhaps meant) some nasty things.
Abby slumped on the couch.
How did it get to this? She felt like taffy stuck on two things. Luka had always been good to her (even after the cruel things he had said!). She now acknowledged to herself that there were things she did, consciously and not, to dig at him. It was stupid and childish. She didn't know how to make it up to him.
As for Carter, his was a shoulder that became cold and hot. What he wanted, Abby thought, didn't matter. She only wanted rid of him.
Abby rose from the couch and stretched.
"Tomorrow is another day!" she piped.
**
Abby walked into work as happy as she did the day before. It was as though her argument with Carter never happened.
"Good morning!" she smiled at everyone she saw.
Yosh returned her smile.
"You're in a good mood!"
"Yep," Abby agreed as she placed her things in her locker. "All's good!"
Abby fixed her hair in a roll and started to see patients.
Kerry walked up to her.
"Oh, Abby, I tried to reach you before. Dr. Coburn would like to see you as soon as possible." Abby nodded and went to the elevator.
Luka caught Abby in the elevator before it closed on him.
"Wait!"
Abby was taken aback by Luka's swiftness.
"Whoa!" she gaped. "Someone's on the move!"
She inched closer to him. Luka did not reciprocate her warmth.
"Luka, what's the matter?" she asked.
He looked directly into her eyes.
"I have to say something to you."
Abby smiled and waited.
"Yeah?"
He bit on his lip.
"It has been different without you," he started. "You were right about that."
Abby shook her head.
"I meant- me without you."
She tried to touch his face but he would not accept her hands.
He did not wait. There had been enough of that.
"I don't love you."
Abby sank. Her chest felt as though it had become ice.
Luka did not stutter or tremble. He was solid.
Luka said nothing else. He let himself off the elevator when it stopped and walked from Abby.
**
Abby kept her appointment with Dr. Coburn. The whole time she could see Luka's face- the delicate lines, the steeliness of his eyes. Her lungs still felt as though they were composed of ice. It was a feeling she couldn't shake.
Carter breezed by Abby with a medical bag and a plasma cooler, looking at her only once.
"Kowalski, get a move-on!" he shouted.
Ceila put on her jacket.
"Dramatic rescue?! You couldn't drag me away!"
Both of them entered the elevator and pressed the button for the heli-pad.
"Hi, Abby!" Ceila chirped.
Abby looked at the girl with weak eyes. She fluttered her hand weakly.
"Come back soon, guys," she muttered.
The doors shut on Abby and she went on pretending nothing at all had happened.
*
Things had settled down for the most part. No one was reproachful for past wrongs and sleep came easily for most people.
But not for everyone.
Luka lay awake in his bed. Ceila was sleeping next to him.
"Ceila?" he whispered to her.
Luka stared at the ceiling. No light shone in the room.
"Ceila?"
"Mmmmm?"
"Ceila, I had a dream," he said.
Ceila was sufficiently awakened to offer her indifference borne from fatigue.
"So?"
Luka was annoyed.
"It's a dream! You take your dreams very fucking seriously! They are telling you things!"
Ceila rolled over and paid her lover heed.
"What was your dream about?"
Luka looked at ceiling again.
"I dreamt I saw Death."
"Death?" Ceila queried incredulously.
Luka nodded.
"I saw her."
Ceila's brow furrowed.
"Her?"
Luka was more than annoyed. He was incensed.
"Dammit, Ceila!"
Wishing to be both sensitive and conciliatory, Ceila apologized quickly.
"Sorry."
Luka now calmed down and related his dream to Ceila.
"I saw Death. We were in a crowded room and she was sitting across from me. She did not look differently from anyone. She was- particular, but not different. She left her chair and embraced me, like a friend, like she had known me all along."
Ceila furrowed her brow once more and pursed her lips.
"Luka, I don't think it was Death."
Luka tried to object but Ceila shushed him.
"I think this woman you saw was, um, a repressed...thing..." she proffered. "Something at the back of your mind that's been forgotten. I don't know, but I don't think it was Death."
Luka would not believe Ceila's theory.
"Ceila, it was Death," he insisted.
Exhausted, Ceila huffed impatiently.
"Luka, look. Did you die in your dream?"
He shook his head.
"No."
"Then it wasn't Death," Ceila said finally. "Now good night!"
Luka could argue his point no more. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
**
For a change, Ceila woke before Luka did. She let him sleep. He needed all the peace he could get.
She rose from bed, went to the kitchen and made tea.
Ceila wrapped her hands around her mug. She thought of what Luka said and how quick she was to dismiss his dream. She let fatigue rule her emotions. After Luka awoke from his coma, he remembered nothing and, consequently, did not feel how he had cheated death. Those feelings developed after everyone reminded him of what happened. He became pale and had a tightness about the chest. Kerry let him have time off but it was not enough. Every night he had a dream, not of his death but of curious or vague things. Women dressed in black, places he had been to, faces that were familiar yet not familiar. Ceila had no idea what any of those things meant, nor did she know how she might help him.
"Hey!"
Luka had woken up and made his way to the kitchen.
Ceila put her mug down.
"Luka, you're awake! Let me get you some tea."
Luka sat at the kitchen table and let Ceila make him some tea.
"Did you have another dream?" she asked.
Luka shook his head.
"No."
Luka and Ceila were about to say something at the same time but stopped to let the other speak.
"You go," Luka insisted.
Ceila sat down and put Luka's tea in front of him.
"Luka, I didn't mean to ignore you last night."
Luka smiled and shook his head.
"It's just that..." Ceila tried to explain, "ever since...what happened.....people have been telling you how lucky you are to be alive in a way that.....It's like you're a roadside accident and lucky to pull out of it, but I don't think you feel lucky to be alive."
Luka did not look at her.
"You're right. I don't feel lucky."
She touched his hand.
"You are lucky."
Luka now looked at her.
"Why?"
Ceila thought for a second.
"I've always been told that if you're alive, it's because God wants you to be alive."
Luka looked insulted. His face screwed up in disgust.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?! I'm alive and others are dead! God wants me alive for that?!"
Ceila's ice-blue eyes never wavered.
"I don't know what is in the mind of God but, yeah, Luka. You're alive, and when I see the people you've saved and when I think how happy I am with you, then I can't think of anything else."
Ceila brushed back long locks of wavy black hair.
"It's conceivable that the only reason why that one guy exists is so you can save his life and it's also conceivable that the old woman on the corner is alive only to say good morning to me. We're alive, Luka, even if we don't know why we are. Sure, people talk and talk about it but they only talk themselves in circles and raise bigger questions to the ones they are supposed to answer. I say life is to infinitesimally short to ask those questions. Just live."
Luka ran his finger along the rim of his mug.
"That's not an attitude to take."
Ceila huffed and threw her head back.
"You talk too easily of death, Luka. Talk about life, instead."
She grabbed his hands.
"Luka. Let's get out of here. I finish my practicum soon. Ask Kerry for time off. We'll head up North. You'll see all those places I've been telling you about."
Luka smiled a little. He touched Ceila's face.
"Maybe I'll take you to my home in Šibenik. You know- with the rough rocks and the ports and the pirates who buried treasure!"
Ceila laughed.
"I'm packing my bags!"
Ceila left the kitchen to take a shower. Luka leaned on the table and rested his head on his arms. He shut his eyes and tried to think of home.
**
"Abby?"
Abby was startled out of her revery by Susan.
"You're lost in space," Susan rattled. "What's wrong?"
Abby shook her head.
"Nothing," she lied.
Abby grabbed the chart she was filling out and fled the admittance desk and away from eavesdropping ears. Susan took the hint.
"What's up?" Susan asked.
Abby did not look at her.
"Do you think I should go back to med school?"
Susan rolled her eyes.
"What? Abandon the glorious proletariat nurses' struggle?"
Abby became impatient.
"I was being serious."
Abby gulped.
"I just thought after Luka nearly died on us that I could be a little more than some hand-holding, pee-collecting drone!"
Abby smiled awkwardly and looked at Susan quickly.
"Just a thought."
Susan nodded her head.
"If you think it's best."
Abby smiled some more.
"Luka thought...."
Susan grinned.
"You've been thinking a lot about Luka, haven't you?"
Abby swivelled her head to Susan, a frown etched on her face.
"No I haven't! I can't stand him!"
Abby stamped away leaving Susan flustered.
"Why does everybody want me dead?" she asked herself.
**
Abby stopped storming away when she saw Ceila in a treatment room. The girl was performing tasks that had become her staple since coming to County General. Abby wondered how she managed to fit in enough hours of trauma duties.
"Hey!" Abby called out.
Ceila turned her head.
"Oh, hello," she said casually.
Abby ambled into the treatment room.
"Still busy?" Abby said, feigning interest in what Ceila did.
"Yes," Ceila nodded her head.
Abby bit on her lip.
"How's...Luka?"
Ceila stopped what she was doing.
"What makes you think I know?"
Abby could see through Ceila's obfuscation.
"It's just that you seem to talk to him a lot."
Ceila nodded. She picked up a sheet.
"He's trying to hold up."
"Is that all?" Abby asked.
Ceila folded the sheet. There was a mark of tension on her face.
"He told me he saw Death."
Abby's eyes bugged out.
"Death? Like, really? The Grim Reaper? The sickle and everything?"
Ceila shook her head.
"No, like, in a dream," she explained. "Some woman that's familiar or something like that. I don't quite understand."
Abby nodded. Things were making sense in a roundabout way.
Ceila finished folding the sheet.
"I'm not surprised he has dreams about Death," Ceila admitted. "Things people feel or see get incorporated in the random images we call dreams, but his dreams seem more vivid. I think he feels unlucky to have survived and feels depressed about it. He should probably talk to a priest or a psychiatrist or somebody about it but... you know him- he's Mr. Iron-Man."
Abby's gaze was blank. She knew all too well.
"Yeah. Absolutely."
Abby's hands fell to her sides.
"Well, I'll let you get back to work. Later."
Ceila nodded politely and continued to work.
**
Abby sat beside Susan in the lounge.
"That proves it!" Abby rasped. "That is incontrovertible evidence! They are fucking!"
Susan begged Abby to keep her voice down but the woman was too incensed to pay her heed.
"They are doing it!" Abby rasped. "They are sleeping together. Him and that....that.... NAFTA whore!"
Susan wondered where Abby got that insult from.
"You don't know that, Abby," Susan said sotto voce.
"Yes, I do!" Abby spat back. "She's always cozied up to him on their spare time! He is standing on guard for thee, if you know what I mean, and I think you do!"
Susan shushed her just as Kerry wandered in to replenish her cup of coffee. Having filled her cup, Kerry left the lounge.
Abby continued her accusatory tirade.
"I wonder how long this has been going on? Weeks? Months?"
Susan tried to calm Abby down again.
"You can't prove any of this, Abby! Kowalski probably felt really bad about what happened and paid Kovac a visit."
Abby shook her head.
"Oh no! They're sleeping together and he's been giving her good marks!"
Susan shook her head.
"He doesn't grade her, Abby, and besides, Kowalski might be a nob half of the time but she's on the ball when it comes to her work, no matter what screw you think Kovac is turning."
Abby was appalled.
"Do not use nob, screw and Luka in the same sentence, Susan. It conjures up memories."
Abby stared wistfully into space.
"Long, lingering, stroking, throbbing memories."
"My point," Susan continued, "is that you can't prove either of them are sleeping with one another, ergo, no sleeping to get to the top."
Abby stood up.
"Oh no! I'm convinced that Kowalski the NAFTA whore is sleeping with Luka the man-whore!"
Susan could not comprehend Abby's persistence.
"Even if they were, so what? What do you care?"
Abby halted.
"It's...unethical."
Susan smirked.
"Since when did you care about ethics? Since Kovac and Kowalski were involved?"
"That's not true!" Abby denied. "Ethics keep this place afloat!"
Abby started toward the lounge door.
"I'm going right to Kerry and I'm going to say....."
"Vanessa!" Abby shouted at Kerry.
"I mean- Kerry, Luka Kovac and Ceila Kowalski are.....!"
Kerry, still in wonder as to why Abby had invaded the privacy of her office, waited for the woman's seemingly imminent revelation.
"Yes?"
Abby hesitated. The bile that had risen in her throat had now become an obstruction. Whatever emotion she had failed her, as it had always done. She froze.
"Yes, Abby?" Kerry prompted her.
"They are mammals!" Abby spat out and left Kerry's office.
Kerry placed down her pen and tried to make sense of Abby's cryptic outburst.
**
Susan caught up to Abby as she was leaving work.
"Hey, Abby! Wait up!"
Abby only ignored her and walked faster.
Susan bolted to her side.
"Hey, Mary Sunshine! Did you tell Kerry?"
Abby finally stopped.
"No, I didn't."
Susan seemed shocked.
"You said you would."
Abby clenched her fists.
"I didn't tell her, alright! I'm chicken shit! Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Susan would not put up with Abby's outburst.
"No, but I did want to hear you would sleep on it before spreading a rumour."
"It's not a rumour...." Abby insisted.
Susan huffed.
"Until there is an X-rated video of them on the Internet, it is a rumour."
Abby bit her lip.
"You're not going to look for a video like that, are you, Abby?" Susan asked.
"No!" Abby snapped. "I'm gonna go home and pretend this never happened."
"Good thinking!" Susan commented.
Abby stormed away before Susan could chasten her further.
Susan sighed. There was no reaching her friend, she supposed.
**
It had started to rain.
Ceila thought it best for Luka to move into her flat for the time being. She believed a change of scenery was in order.
Both Ceila and Luka sat at the opposite edges of the bed. Luka crunched and uncrunched his toes and Ceila brushed her hair.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I am forming balls with my toes," Luka informed her. "It will help me sleep."
Ceila was confused.
"Isn't that supposed to help you with jet lag?"
Luka stopped, defeated, and scowled.
"Goddammit!"
Ceila looked sorry she ever said anything. She stopped brushing her hair.
"I'm sorry."
Luka shook his head, fell back on the bed and laughed.
"No! I only thought that might help me sleep but it won't! You're right!"
He looked at the ceiling.
"I'm never going to sleep."
"Maybe Demerol might help," Ceila suggested.
Luka rose from his slumped position.
"No, something more.....red!"
"Red?" Ceila quizzed.
Luka ran to the refrigerator and ran back to the bedroom with a bottle and bottle-opener.
"Chianti!" he cried.
"Where did you get that bottle?" Ceila asked.
"I got it," he answered quickly. "Have some."
Ceila shook her head.
"No, Luka, I can't."
He opened the bottle and lay on the bed.
"Come on!"
Ceila resisted.
"No."
Luka pouted in a culmination of childlike play and seduction.
Ceila curled into a ball.
"Please, Luka, I can't."
He had a drop of wine on his forefinger. He rubbed the drop on Ceila's lips.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, Luka, I am," she asserted.
Luka lay back with the bottle of Chianti.
"Last chance."
"I don't think so, Luka," Ceila apologized.
Luka shrugged and gulped back some wine.
"I might keep some for you," he barely promised.
She touched his brow.
"Keep it for a while."
**
The rain pelted down and splattered on the window panes.
Abby, having changed into her bed clothes, looked out the window briefly and sat at the edge of her bed. She thought of what Ceila had told her. Maybe it wasn't odd that Luka would have disturbing dreams, Abby reasoned, but she did not wish to hear such things from Ceila. She hated the fact that the student nurse had a better rapport with her former lover than she had. What could they have had in common? Luka was older than Ceila. He was an experienced doctor and she was a student nurse. Maybe Ceila reminded Luka of someone. Abby huffed. Maybe the answer was much simpler. Luka was a man and Ceila was tight-assed little vixen. Abby laughed at her unfounded conclusion. She reclined on her bed and closed her eyes, wanting sleep to overtake her.
Abby shot up from her sedate position. Her jaw quivered as if she were cold. Her eyes were made large by the presence of someone unknown in her room.
The woman sat still in the chair next to the dresser. Her hands were folded and she smiled, the glow of which was not as vibrant as her eyes. She wore a long black dress and kept her black hair rolled neatly on her head.
"Who are you?" Abby stammered.
The woman did not answer. She simply smiled.
Abby gulped. What Ceila had said to her before echoed in her head.
"Are you Death?"
The woman shook her head.
"No," she answered in soft, dulcet tones. "I have been with Luka from the beginning."
Abby did not understand. The woman smiled.
"I am Luka's watcher."
Abby tried to understand.
"Like his guardian angel?"
"Yes, something like that," the woman smiled. "His guardian angel."
The woman rose from the chair.
"I visit him every so often, to let him know I am with him."
Abby curled herself up on her bed.
"Aren't you supposed to protect him?"
The woman sat next to Abby.
"What I am supposed to do and what you think I am supposed to are different things."
The woman touched Abby's brow.
"Sleep, Abby."
Abby reclined slowly, unable to recoil from the woman's cold touch.
**
7:05 AM.
The alarm blared loudly.
Abby shot up and slammed the off button. The sun had come out and dried the pavement. The chair next to the dresser had been jarred slightly and the edge of the bed was depressed by a human form but Abby didn't notice. She staggered out of bed to the bathroom, washed her face and prepared for the day.
**
Luka's eyes flickered open. Ceila slept next to him. Her black hair was splayed dramatically against her pale skin and the whiteness of the pillow. His fingers traced her face. She still slept. Luka laid his head on her breast and strained to hear her heart.
He had a dream about her.
She was waiting for him in the rain. He was in a big, dark house and there was no way for him to get out. He could only watch her from the window.
Now awake and listening to her heart, Luka decided he not want to ever be separated from her. He knew this as her heartbeat became louder and her skin warmer to the touch.
**
They had been up for two hours.
Ceila shut off her computer. She ran to Luka who was still finishing his breakfast.
"I e-mailed my friend," she reported. "He said we can use his cottage."
Luka smiled.
"I like the sound of that."
Ceila tied back her hair and swung her bag over her shoulder.
"I knew you would! Now all you need is some official vacation time and we're set!"
Ceila bolted out the door.
"Later!"
Luka nodded. He would ask Kerry for the time off. He needed it, after all.
Luka reached for his cell phone and dialled in a familiar number.
"Hello, Kerry? I must ask you something."
**
Ceila was still on the el train when Luka phoned her about the happy news. Luka was able to take time off, meaning he could lounge in cottage country or take a jet plane to Šibenik. She grinned. Things were coming into play. The distance between her and Luka was closing. She could feel it. Maybe she could not understand his dreams but she did know him. She knew him more than anyone else did. She cared about him more than anyone else did. All she wanted was for him to be happy. She could do that if she could tighten the circle around him.
Ceila thought some more. Accord must be restored in all arenas. Ceila bit the inside of her cheeks. She would have to swallow her pride for that to happen.
The el train stopped. Ceila stepped off and made her way to the ER.
**
Carter checked the woman's heartbeat once more.
"Still weak, Mrs. Waits," he addressed his patient.
He turned to Lily.
"Keep her monitored."
Carter wrote some more instructions on the chart, gave them to Lily and walked out of the trauma room. In the corner of his eye he could see a well-kempt waif shadow him wordlessly and with a hung head.
"Yes, Student Nurse Kowalski?" he cried without looking at her.
Ceila raised a brow.
"What? No Nanuq of the North? No Working-Man's Angelina Jolie?"
Carter was annoyed.
"Ceila, I have no time to play the Name Game."
Ceila looked disappointed.
"But you usually do. Granted, you're not as good at it as Dr. Lewis is but you rattle them off so well."
He spun around.
"Get to the point."
Ceila's eyes were a simple blue.
"I was mean to you and I'm sorry."
Carter tried his best not to look defeated.
"Forget about it," he muttered without emotion.
Ceila offered a slight smile.
"I will now."
With that, Ceila disappeared amid the mingled bodies of the sick and the working.
Carter damned the girl. He could not hate her. It must have taken every ounce of strength to swallow her pride and apologize to him, he thought. However, it now made it difficult to despise her. Ceila was good at taking things on the chin. And turning the tables.
Carter flung a pair of used gloves in the rubbish, feeling utterly useless and defeated.
**
Abby observed Ceila as she pumped oxygen into the elderly patient.
"We have to keep her blood pressure at seventy," Abby advised.
Ceila nodded.
Abby noted the vital signs on the monitor.
Ceila was focussed on the task at hand.
"Abby, do you mind if I ask you something?"
Abby was put off guard that the girl should ask her anything. She never did, really. No advice, professional or otherwise.
"Sure," Abby replied.
"Do you think even little things have an effect on bigger things?" Ceila asked. "Like, even seemingly insignificant things?"
Abby shrugged.
"I guess so."
Abby was curious.
"Why do you ask?"
Ceila similarly shrugged.
"No reason."
Abby disbelieved her.
"Does this have to do with anything?"
"No," Ceila denied. "Just thinking."
Ceila drew in breath.
"Maybe you should have dinner with Dr. Luka," she suggested. "He'll want to have dinner with a friend."
Abby was stunned by Ceila's suggestion. She tried not to let it show.
"What makes you say that?"
Abby could see that her question agitated Ceila.
"I just thought Dr. Luka needs to be connected to someone here," Ceila replied. "Make him feel like someone still cares about him."
Abby crossed her arms.
"And what makes you think that no one does?"
Ceila became more evasive, decisively so. She smiled wryly.
"You ask an awful lot of questions, Nurse Lockhart."
**
The day went on. The halted progress of time was weighing down on Ceila. There were no traumas rushing by, no assistance was needed. There was only the slowness of time and tedious chores to do.
Romano walked into the suture room where Ceila was preparing beds.
"Hey, Working-Man's Angelina Jolie!"
Ceila turned her head at once and, seeing it was Romano, continued working.
"I'm wondering if you have time to view surgery," Romano piped. "Some very interesting things have been happening in chest cavities."
"Not interested," Ceila muttered.
"Of course you are!" Romano chuckled. "You know what they say about surgery and sex!"
"I'm not interested in that, either!" Ceila snapped back.
Romano crossed his arms.
"Maybe a bowl of Fat Girl's Choice French Vanilla ice cream then?"
Ceila ignored him.
Romano bit his lip.
"Look, I'm trying to apologize, and yes, I realize I suck at it, but I still want to do it."
Ceila swivelled her head to him.
"I don't want it."
Romano huffed.
"Look, I may not be a touchy-feely hippy-guy but I see where I am wrong. And I also know bullshit when I see it!"
Ceila threw down a bed sheet.
"I don't want anything from you!"
"Whatever, Kowalski!" Romano sassed as he turned from the room. "Maybe we'll have a shot of tequila later!"
"Whatever!" she shouted back.
**
Abby skulked about in the hallway. She wanted to be hidden. She kept her head and shoulders low, as if such actions would somehow make her unseen. She lifted her head when she saw Luka walk unannounced and unhindered into the lounge.
Abby wanted to follow him but could not find the strength. She had avoided Luka before in many respects. She had not wanted to talk to him about their faltering relationship or about her mother's treatment (she had seen how right he was and was grateful when he did not impress his rightness on her). She snapped at him and blamed him when he had any faith in her or offered help.
She was not sure why she avoided him.. It could not have been pity or concern (let alone affection) that drove her to him now. Abby chided herself for that possibility. Rather, Abby felt goaded, albeit, indirectly by a young girl whom she felt was infatuated with her former lover. Her legs did not budge. She wanted them to. She had to reach Luka or lose him for good.
Abby moved to the lounge through a strength not familiar to her. She saw Luka at his locker removing some things.
"Hey!" she piped.
Luka turned around. He seemed surprised to see her.
"Oh! Hello!"
"I haven't seen you in a week!" Abby smiled. "How are you? You doing okay?"
Abby moved close enough to see his eyes. She saw the symmetry of his face- his cheekbones, his lips, even his eyelashes. She remembered his beauty.
"I'm alright," he answered uneasily. "Kerry is good enough to let me rest, but I have to return to work in a while."
Abby shrugged.
"Work- bane of our existence."
"I guess," Luka concurred.
Abby put her hands in her pockets.
"I was just wondering if you were free tomorrow night for dinner at the Jasmine Garden?"
Luka looked hesitant.
"I don't know...."
Abby slapped Luka on the shoulder, adamant for a positive answer.
"Come on! You remember the Jasmine Garden. It's your favourite place!"
Luka scratched his head.
"I'd like to go but I can't. Carter would not like it."
Abby's face became stone.
"Don't worry about him, Luka. Be at the Jasmine Garden at eight. I'll meet you there."
Luka suddenly smiled.
"Alright."
She returned his smile and felt warm at the thought of the future meeting.
**
Abby had taken a cab to the Jasmine Garden. To have taken her own car would have aroused suspicion in Carter. Luka was there- naturally- and waited outside for her. Abby smiled. He simply wore khakis and a short-sleeved shirt. No matter what he wore, Abby thought, he always looked good. He had his hands in his pockets and smiled when he saw her.
"I thought Carter would not let you go," he admitted.
"I don't need his permission to do anything!" Abby smirked.
Luka was taken aback.
"Oh no! I meant that he might not like you to have dinner with me."
Abby pulled the door of the restaurant open.
"I don't care what he likes."
Luka shrugged and went in.
A waitress led them to a table and poured them some water.
Abby clasped her hands together.
"Are you going to have your usual?"
Luka shook his head.
"Don't tell me this is my favourite place, Abby. I read the restaurant review, too."
Abby looked chagrined but Luka sought to reassure her.
"No, Abby. Thank you for taking me here. I like Thai food. I do."
Abby felt a little absolved.
"I just thought you could use a night out instead of staying at home or working half-shifts."
Luka could see her point.
Abby now smiled and placed a napkin on her lap.
"Besides, here you can eat the rice with your hands."
Luka laughed.
"I haven't eaten with my hands since I was a child."
Abby was incredulous.
"I was only two!" Luka defended himself.
Abby placed a napkin on her lap.
"I didn't know that about you."
Luka sipped his water.
"There is a lot you don't know about me."
Abby felt chagrined again. She knew he was right. At least Luka did not linger on past wrongs. She could easily forget them.
"How have you been keeping?" she asked. "I mean- when you're not at the hospital, what do you do?"
Luka looked at a menu.
"My friends have come by to see me."
Abby nodded.
"Oh, that's good!"
Silence.
"Kowalski come by?" Abby asked uneasily.
Luka briefly stopped looking at the menu.
"Yes."
His eyes returned to the menu.
"She is very concerned about me."
Abby avoided his eyes.
"I'm sure she is."
He looked back at her again.
"Sorry?"
"Let's order," Abby quickly suggested.
Luka nodded and looked at the menu once more.
**
After the meal, Abby took Luka back to his apartment building. She walked him up to his flat. He picked up a stack of mail left in his mailbox, evidence of a suspicious absence. Abby pretended not to notice. She only looked around.
"This place is darker than what I remember," Abby said.
Luka only shrugged as he placed his mail down.
"It's the same place as it always has been."
Abby chuckled and pointed to a window.
"That's the place where Carter and I came in before...."
Luka did not smile. His grave look cowed Abby into a contrite mood.
"Would you like some coffee or tea?" he offered.
Abby shook her head.
"No, I'm fine. I just thought...."
She swallowed.
"I just thought we would talk."
Luka was confused.
"About what?"
Abby wondered if Luka was indeed clueless or if he had moved on, as he had an ability for.
Luka moved closer to the couch.
"I don't think there is anything to talk about."
He hung his head sadly.
"It should have been done before."
"Maybe," Abby agreed. "But there's always something that could have been said or done. Maybe."
She looked into his eyes.
"Do you feel sad...about...what's happened?" she asked. "Ever?"
He looked at her, tempting himself to brush away the lock of hair on her cheek.
"Maybe, but I think of other things. It's okay now, I think."
He was more solid to himself.
"I know it's okay."
Abby touched Luka's face.
"It's been different without you."
Luka did not warm to Abby's touch. He seemed not to want it. Trembling, he took her hand from his face.
"Maybe I should call a taxi for you."
Abby pushed her body against his and pressed her lips to his unready mouth.
**
It was early morning when she finally stirred. Abby touched Luka's head once and left him asleep on the couch. She buttoned her blouse, put on her skirt and crept out the door, hoping that Luka would keep silent.
**
The phone rang.
Luka shot up from the couch. He saw that Abby was gone. The phone rang again. It had been days since he heard his own phone ring, an inconvenience he was without being at Ceila's flat. Half-clothed, he stumbled to the phone. He saw Ceila's cell phone number on the display screen. He did not pick up the phone but backed away slowly and went to bathe.
**
Abby arrived at work early today. A smile was on her face and a spring was in her step. She seemed uncharacteristically happy. She even chirped morning greetings at the patients.
"How are you, Mr. Baxter?"
The old man in the gurney smiled back at her.
"Abby?"
Abby spritely turned on her heel.
"Hello, Ceila!"
Ceila rushed to her. Her hair was tied back crudely and her scrub suit was dishevelled.
"Abby, I've been looking for you."
Abby fluttered her eyes in disbelief.
"What? No 'good morning, Abby?' Nothing?"
Ceila gulped.
"I need to ask you something."
"Ask away," Abby chirped.
Ceila swatted away loose tousles.
"Where did you take Luka?"
Abby was surprised at the girl's forwardness.
"Luka?"
"Dr. Kovac, I mean," Ceila corrected.
"Out," Abby simply answered and trotted away. "Why?"
"I only ask," Ceila stuttered, "because I phoned his apartment and he wasn't there. I was worried. It was so late."
Abby laughed.
"You don't need to worry about two adults, Ceila."
Ceila caught up with Abby.
"I worry because he nearly died."
Abby nodded her head to Ceila.
"Looks pretty good for guy who cheated death."
Abby resumed her happy canter.
Ceila stopped moving but kept her eyes on Abby, wondering at her carefree attitude.
**
Luka didn't want to be at work today. He felt guilty about a lot of things. He wasn't sure if it was a sense of duty or need that forced him to move.
Luka closed the door of his locker slowly. The white coat he regularly wore was taking on an uneasiness with each wearing. Deaths he could not stop, the frailty of his own body and self, his own diminishing purpose at the hospital, people around him, things he had done or not done. All of it forced his mind elsewhere.
"Luka!"
He spun around. Ceila, her hair and uniform unkempt, staggered to him.
"I tried to call you," she said, reaching for his hands and holding them to her face. "Luka, where were you?"
He removed his hands from her face gently.
"I went with Abby for dinner. It was very late so I was at my own place...."
Ceila's brow furrowed.
"I called you there."
Luka avoided her eyes.
"I must have turned the phone off."
Ceila breathed a sigh of relief. She picked up his hand and held it to her face.
"I just didn't know where you were. I know I shouldn't worry but I do."
He grinned.
"Don't."
He touched the lop-sided roll she quickly effected.
"First, get your hair out of your face. You look like no one owns you."
Ceila laughed.
Luka swung his arm over her shoulder.
"Then, we have a patient who has infrequent muscular spasms but no other discernible neurological symptoms."
"Not enough potassium?" Ceila quizzed.
Luka shrugged.
"Maybe. Help me find out."
Ceila started fixing her hair and followed Luka to the trauma area.
**
Their shifts had ended hours ago.
Carter sat on the bed and looked out of Abby's bedroom window. People jaunted by for a summer evening stroll. He wanted to walk with her but she would not go out with him. A busy day shift would make one too tired for such strolls.
"Abby?"
Abby poked her head of the bathroom where she was brushing her hair.
"Yeah?"
Carter now looked at her.
"Where did you go last night?"
Abby laughed as she brushed her hair.
"Why?"
Carter would not be moved by her obstinance.
"I just want to know."
Abby put down the brush and fingered the handle.
"I went out with Luka."
Carter was surprised.
"Did you?"
Abby swallowed. She would not budge for him.
"Yeah, and we had a nice time. The Jasmine Garden lives up to its reputation."
Carter rose from the bed.
"Really?"
Abby now laughed at Carter's skepticism.
"We just had dinner. That's all. I thought he could use a night out. Well- Ceila suggested it but I seconded the motion and we had a nice time."
Abby resumed brushing her hair.
Carter scoffed.
"Funny. Ceila was the one who put him in the coma in the first place."
Abby's head swivelled to Carter.
"That's not true! It was Dr. McAllister. Besides, what if I were there? He probably would have blamed me! That's the problem! Nurses get the blame for doctors' screw-ups."
Carter shook his head.
"Don't pit nurses versus doctors, Abby."
"It's true!" she shouted back.
Abby was really indignant.
"You know, you wouldn't have made an issue out of it if I were a doctor or if Ceila were a doctor."
Carter was incredulous.
"What?"
"It's true!" Abby maintained.
"You're just trying to create a conflict where there is none, and I find it extremely odd seeing as you can't stand Ceila!" he exclaimed.
Abby threw the hairbrush on her bed.
"This has nothing to do with Ceila, John! It's simply a matter of right and wrong, and don't pretend that there isn't a gap between the nurses and the doctors! Yeah, sure, fine, the doctors have all this training and blahblahblah, but that doesn't mean that when things head south, nurses should be blamed for things that are not their fault!"
Carter leaned on one foot.
"You slept with Luka, didn't you?"
Abby's face screwed up in disgust.
"I can't believe you!"
Abby moved to her bed and pulled at her blanket.
"And I am tired of you acting as though you own me!"
Carter crossed his arms.
"Oh, do I?"
Abby was toe-to-toe with him.
"Yeah, you do."
"Well, maybe I wouldn't feel that way if I didn't feel compelled to bail you out whenever you have a little crisis or you need help buying Prada!" Carter spat.
Abby's face glowed lividly.
"Get out of my room!" she demanded and threw down a pillow.
Carter grabbed the pillow.
"Gladly!"
Abby slammed the bedroom door after him and buried her face in her hands.
**
When Abby woke up, she saw that Carter was not in the apartment. In her heart, she was glad. He had said (and perhaps meant) some nasty things.
Abby slumped on the couch.
How did it get to this? She felt like taffy stuck on two things. Luka had always been good to her (even after the cruel things he had said!). She now acknowledged to herself that there were things she did, consciously and not, to dig at him. It was stupid and childish. She didn't know how to make it up to him.
As for Carter, his was a shoulder that became cold and hot. What he wanted, Abby thought, didn't matter. She only wanted rid of him.
Abby rose from the couch and stretched.
"Tomorrow is another day!" she piped.
**
Abby walked into work as happy as she did the day before. It was as though her argument with Carter never happened.
"Good morning!" she smiled at everyone she saw.
Yosh returned her smile.
"You're in a good mood!"
"Yep," Abby agreed as she placed her things in her locker. "All's good!"
Abby fixed her hair in a roll and started to see patients.
Kerry walked up to her.
"Oh, Abby, I tried to reach you before. Dr. Coburn would like to see you as soon as possible." Abby nodded and went to the elevator.
Luka caught Abby in the elevator before it closed on him.
"Wait!"
Abby was taken aback by Luka's swiftness.
"Whoa!" she gaped. "Someone's on the move!"
She inched closer to him. Luka did not reciprocate her warmth.
"Luka, what's the matter?" she asked.
He looked directly into her eyes.
"I have to say something to you."
Abby smiled and waited.
"Yeah?"
He bit on his lip.
"It has been different without you," he started. "You were right about that."
Abby shook her head.
"I meant- me without you."
She tried to touch his face but he would not accept her hands.
He did not wait. There had been enough of that.
"I don't love you."
Abby sank. Her chest felt as though it had become ice.
Luka did not stutter or tremble. He was solid.
Luka said nothing else. He let himself off the elevator when it stopped and walked from Abby.
**
Abby kept her appointment with Dr. Coburn. The whole time she could see Luka's face- the delicate lines, the steeliness of his eyes. Her lungs still felt as though they were composed of ice. It was a feeling she couldn't shake.
Carter breezed by Abby with a medical bag and a plasma cooler, looking at her only once.
"Kowalski, get a move-on!" he shouted.
Ceila put on her jacket.
"Dramatic rescue?! You couldn't drag me away!"
Both of them entered the elevator and pressed the button for the heli-pad.
"Hi, Abby!" Ceila chirped.
Abby looked at the girl with weak eyes. She fluttered her hand weakly.
"Come back soon, guys," she muttered.
The doors shut on Abby and she went on pretending nothing at all had happened.
*
