July 2023 - New York
Panic seized him when he first opened his eyes and noticed the unfamiliar surroundings, the soft sunlight filtering through the curtains. If it wasn't for the warm weight on his right arm and half way on his chest, he would have shot up and scrambled out of the bed.
But then he realised the weight was Jasmine, he heard the snoring coming from her as the night before quickly came back to him and he relaxed a bit, his arm tightening around her body and as he ran his left hand over his face and stared up at the ceiling.
He hadn't slept for long - he'd guess at having no more than two hours - but it had been a dreamless sleep and for that he was grateful. Jasmine had had a hard enough night as it was without him waking her up because he was having another nightmare. She didn't need to deal with that.
He glanced down at her still sleeping form, his right arm wrapped around her and their legs tangled under the sheets, her head on his and one of her arms slung across his middle. Her mouth was open slightly, soft snores coming from her, her hair messy and fanned out behind her.
Bucky swallowed thickly.
He didn't know how Steve could do it; how he could willingly walk away and leave her behind for another woman. How he hadn't completely fallen apart and broken down at the mere thought of never seeing her again.
Bucky had found her in the early hours of the morning. For once, it hadn't been his dreams that had woken him up; it had been the sound of muffled crying and, after following the noise, he had found Jasmine sitting on the bathroom floor with her back against the bathtub, the laundry basket tipped on its side and a sweater that was far too big for her in her hands.
"Jasmine?" Bucky muttered in confusion, and she looked up at him with a tear-stained face. He was by her side in an instant. "Sweetheart, what is it? What's wrong?"
"It- it's his," she hiccuped, lifting the sweater up higher. "It's still here. All of his things are still here, Bucky, and he- he isn't. He just left! How could he do that? How could he just leave me like I was- I was nothing to him? Like what we had was nothing?"
"Honey," Bucky sank to the floor beside her, gently removing the sweater from her grasp and tossing it to the other side of the bathroom as he wrapped his left arm around her and pulled her closer. "Jasmine, he… Steve was…" he trailed off, at a loss for words as he silently cursed his friend for doing this.
Bucky didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to make her feel better, how to tell her that he knew Steve had loved her without sounding patronising, because he knew hearing that Steve loved her wasn't enough. He had still left. He was still gone. Bucky couldn't fix that.
"Will it ever go away?" Jas whispered, one arm circling around his waist as she buried her face in his neck.
"Will what go away?" Bucky hummed quietly, his chin resting on top of her head.
"The pain. Will it ever not hurt when I think about him?"
Bucky's fist clenched at the sound of her broken voice and he couldn't help but think it was a good job that Steve wasn't around anymore, or Bucky would pummel him for doing this to her.
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "I hope so. Might take a little longer than two weeks, though."
Jas sniffled, shuffling closer to Bucky. "I'm so tired."
"Yeah, I'm not surprised, it's 3.30 in the morning. You wanna go to bed?" he pulled away slightly and looked down at her. "I can clean up here."
"Leave it," she waved a hand dismissively. "It's mostly his stuff. I'll… I don't know. Donate it to a museum. Burn it. Give it to Sam. Something so it's not here anymore. Unless- I mean, do you want any of it? He was… God, Bucky, I'm so sorry. He was your best friend and I'm sitting here crying over him like I'm the only one who he left behind and I'm-"
"Hey, no, stop," Bucky shook his head and reached out to take her face in his hands when he noticed a fresh wave of tears in her eyes. "Don't do that. You're allowed to cry, to grieve, to hate him for leaving. Sometimes I hate him for leaving. You don't ever have to apologise to me for being sad, or for missing him. Or for, you know, wanting him to come back so you can kick his ass before sending him away," he gave her a tiny grin and Jas snorted, reaching up and covering Bucky's hands with her own.
"You wouldn't let me kick his ass."
"I'd let you do whatever it takes to make you feel better," he murmured. "If hitting him over the head with his own shield made you feel better, I'd hand it to you and stand back and watch."
"No you wouldn't," she shook her head. "He's your friend and I know you. It's ingrained in you to help."
Bucky cleared his throat, pulling his hands away from her face and taking a step back. "You give me too much credit."
"You don't give yourself enough," Jas argued, kicking at the scattered laundry and stepping over the rest. Bucky followed her and she glanced at him over her shoulder.
"I'm making sure you go to bed and don't start a fire in the bathtub," he raised his eyebrows and she laughed quietly, sniffling again and wiping her eyes, but continuing her way to her bedroom. Bucky leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest as he watched her shuffle around her room, kicking her slippers off and putting her phone on charge before she slipped under the covers.
"Goodnight, Jasmine."
"Will you stay with me?"
He froze, half turned away from her when she spoke, and he paused. "I, uh… What?"
"I'm sorry, I- sometimes I get clingy when I'm sad and- will you… stay with me. Just for tonight. It's okay if you don't want to, I shouldn't have asked-"
"Only if you don't hog all the covers," he joked, making his way towards the bed. Smiling gratefully, Jas pulled the covers back and Bucky climbed underneath them.
She was next to him immediately, her head on his chest and an arm thrown over him. Bucky was positive she'd be able to hear his heart pounding in his chest but if she did, she kept it to herself.
"You won't… You won't leave me, will you, Bucky?"
He frowned. "What?"
"You won't leave me like Steve did. You'll stay?"
He sighed, wrapping his arms around her and dropping a kiss to the top of her head. "Sweetheart, I'm not going anywhere."
She had fallen asleep pretty quickly after that, but Bucky had lain awake for a couple of hours, just thinking. About Steve, about Natasha, Tony, Jasmine. How she'd lost three people she loved in such a space of time. How she still didn't know where Sharon was. How Steve could still leave her after she'd lost two of her closest friends and another was missing.
What Steve had said to him the day he'd told him he wasn't coming back.
How was Bucky ever going to tell her that it was his fault? That Bucky thought his feelings for her might have been the catalyst for Steve staying with Peggy?
Bucky had pleaded with him, begging him not to go, because he didn't know anything else. He knew Steve, his best friend who had saved his life on more than one occasion, who had gone against the government and his friends to bring Bucky back, and suddenly he just… wasn't going to be there anymore?
But Steve had made his mind up, and there was nothing Bucky could have said or done to change it.
Walking into the kitchen with his empty coffee cup in hand, he shot a glance at Sam who was standing still, his unmoving hands submerged in the water that filled the sink and his attention stolen by something happening outside.
"Wilson, what are you doing? You're on clean up duty."
"You think we should do something to stop that?" Sam asked, nodding towards the window. Bucky followed Sam's line of sight, frowning when he saw Jas reach out and push Steve away from her, his friend stumbling backwards, his shoulders slumped and tension practically radiating off of his girlfriend. "And by we, I mean you. I'm not putting myself in the path of Jas' anger, she'll kick my ass; she's got a soft spot for you. Go fix whatever that is," he waved a hand and Bucky rolled his eyes, dumping his cup in the sink before he turned towards the front door.
Jas and Steve were obviously both upset; Bucky didn't know what could have possibly happened in the time he'd seen them leaving the cabin till now, but he did know that this was not the time or place for them to be arguing. Emotions were running high and had been all day, he didn't want either of them to say something they might regret.
Making his way outside, he turned the corner and headed round to the side of the cabin, his hands reaching out when someone walked right into him. He opened his mouth to apologise but stopped when he saw who it was, and also saw that she was crying.
"Hey, woah- Jasmine?" he murmured. Concern flooded him immediately when he saw her red-rimmed eyes, the tear tracks on her cheek as his left arm wound around her waist to keep her upright. He had to catch his breath when she looked up at him and sheer panic settled in his chest. Seeing her bottom lip tremble, Bucky lifted his right hand to touch her cheek and, if he could think of anything other than the fact that Jasmine was standing in front of him in tears, he might have thought that was a bad idea with Steve still standing so close by, watching them.
But she slapped his hand away and pulled out of his grasp, taking a couple of steps backwards. "Did you know?" she demanded.
"Know what?" Bucky frowned, glancing past her towards Steve. What the hell had he done to elicit this kind of reaction?
"Did you know he was going to do this?" she asked again, and Bucky shook his head in confusion.
"Do what? Jasmine, I- what's going on?" Bucky reached for her, but thought better of it when he saw the way she wrapped her arms around herself as if she were trying to hold herself together and he dropped his arms back to his sides, his hands balled up into fists. "Why are you crying? What happened?"
He watched as she turned around to glance back at Steve, who was watching them carefully. Bucky looked between them, his fingers twitching as he tried to stop himself from grabbing her hand in his and begging her to tell him what had upset her so much.
When Jasmine turned back to him, there was a look in her eyes Bucky had never seen before. It was cold, emotionless, empty. Resignation.
He almost shivered.
"Ask your friend," she told him flatly, before beginning to walk away.
Bucky reached out to stop her but she dodged him easily and he could do nothing but stand there and watch as she ignored everyone else and made her way towards her car.
He started to go after her - he had heard her promise Morgan that she'd be back, and he knew she wouldn't want to break that promise - but he'd barely taken a step when he heard Steve calling his name.
"Bucky. Let her go."
Bucky frowned, spinning round and stomping towards his friend. "What the hell is going on? Why's she so upset?" his eyes narrowed. "What did you do?"
Steve smiled softly. "You get this look on your face, you know? When you like a girl."
"What?"
"You have this look, like you'd do anything for her. Like you'd take on the world for her. It's the same look you always had, back when I was just Steve and you were just Bucky," Steve shoved his hands in his pockets. "I see it on your face when you look at her."
His breath caught in his throat. Had they been arguing about him?
"Steve… I-"
"You don't need to look so scared, Buck," Steve told him. "I know. I've known."
Bucky swallowed. "When… I mean, how- how long?"
"Six years, give or take."
"I'm-" Bucky screwed his eyes shut. "In Wakanda- the whole time?"
"Not the whole time…" Steve paused. "I had an idea on your birthday, you remember that? You told me off for snapping at her, but it was after that. I would see the way you looked at her, hear the way you talked about what the two of you had been doing when I called. I just knew, Buck. You don't know someone for as long as we have without being able to read them. I know you're in love with her. I've had six years to come to terms with that."
"God, Steve I…" Bucky huffed out a breath, rubbing a hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry, I- I never wanted it to happen, you know? I didn't plan it, the last thing I want or deserve after everything I've done is to love someone again. It just crept up on me. I never- she never… I never acted on it and I'm never going to, I swear-"
"Don't say that," Steve shook his head, and Bucky instantly shut his mouth. "You shouldn't have to hide your feelings."
"I'm sorry."
Steve frowned. "For what?"
It took everything Bucky had in him to look up at his best friend, the man who had stood by his side no matter what, who had risked his freedom and his life to save Bucky more times than he could count.
He felt ashamed as he answered, "For loving her too."
"You- Buck, don't apologise for that. Never apologise for loving her," Steve ran a hand through his hair. "I love her, too. She makes it real easy to love her," he sighed. "Even when she calls me Stevie."
"Yeah…" Bucky laughed weakly, clearing his throat and looking at the ground. "I'm- is that- why did she run out of here, Steve?"
Steve exhaled, his jaw clenching as he fought to keep his voice steady when he admitted, "I told her that I'm not coming back once I've returned the stones to where they're supposed to be."
"You're not coming back? What, to here? To… New York? Where are you… coming back to?"
"I'm going back to where I belong, Buck," Steve told him softly. "Back to the forties. To Peggy."
Bucky stilled, his face frozen in confusion and his mouth hanging open slightly as he let Steve's words sink in. "You… What?" Bucky's brow furrowed. "I don't- what? You're staying in the past? Why? What about everything here? …What about Jasmine? I- oh. Oh God, is this because I- Steve, no," he shook his head quickly. "You can't do this to her. She loves you. I'll stay away from her, okay? I'll leave, I'll stay gone, I won't ever see her again - I'm good at disappearing. Give me an hour and I can be gone and neither of you will see me again."
Steve was already shaking his head no before Bucky had finished speaking, and he took his hands out of his pockets as he took a step forward. "I'm not leaving because you love her. In fact, knowing you love her makes it a little bit easier to leave, because I know she'll have you."
"She doesn't want me, Steve, she wants you. You can't do this to us."
"Listen, I didn't- this isn't something that's happened overnight. I've never really felt okay here. You know how much I- you know what Peggy meant to me, man," he said softly, trying to ignore the scowl on Bucky's face. "…I saw her. Before we got you all back. Tony and I, we went back to get one of the stones, and she was there. I saw her, Buck."
"…Steve."
"I know," Steve laughed quietly. "I know. It's fucking stupid, right? I caught a glimpse of her but it all came back - how much I loved her, how we never had a chance, how I never got to have a life with her. And I deserve that, don't you think? I deserve to know what kind of life we could have had together."
Bucky frowned. "What about what Jasmine deserves?"
"Jasmine deserves someone who loves her as much as she loves them. She doesn't deserve someone who will always wonder what he could have had with another woman."
Bucky huffed out a breath, running a hand over his face. "You're really doing this?"
"Yeah, I'm really doing it."
"What about the whole…" Bucky gestured towards him. "Captain America thing? Are we gonna have to lie and tell the world you died, too?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I haven't really thought about it," Steve paused. "Bucky, the uh, the shield…"
Bucky scoffed. "I don't want it."
"I mean, I was thinking of giving it to Sam, anyway," Steve grinned, and Bucky rolled his eyes. "I haven't… I've not said anything to anyone else yet and I'd appreciate it if you didn't, either. I had to tell Jas first."
"Yeah, no, sure," Bucky rocked back on his heels. "But- this is fucked up, man."
"Yeah."
"She's- she'll never forgive you for doing this."
"I know," Steve looked at the ground.
"And what if… What happens when you're with Peggy, and you realise you've made a mistake? What happens when you realise you're never gonna love anyone the way you love Jasmine? Will you come back?"
Steve looked up, watching Bucky carefully. "She, uh- she said- she hates me now, so…" he trailed off, shrugging weakly when his voice cracked. "Coming back wouldn't really be an option. You said it yourself; she's never going to forgive me. It's not like I don't love her, Buck, because I do. She's the only thing that's made sense to me in a long time, but… I'm not the one. I'm not her one."
Bucky scrunched his face up in confusion. "Then who is? If it's not you, when she loves you as much as she does," he frowned. Steve didn't say anything, just raised his eyebrows and pressed his lips together, giving Bucky a knowing look. His eyes widened when he realised what his friend was implying. "Are you serious? Steve you can't just leave her and expect her to- God, we're not- it's not like that with us. You can't just throw us together and expect us to- that's not how it works. You're the love of her life, she told me so."
"When?"
"What?"
"When did she tell you I was the love of her life."
Bucky shrugged. "I don't know, back when she first started visiting me because you'd asked her to keep an eye on me. I told her she didn't have to and she argued with me, said she did because you'd asked, and she wasn't about to let you down because she loved you. Said we had to become friends, anyway, because you were the love of her life and I was your best friend."
"Things change."
"Steve-"
"I had to carry her away from that clearing, you know?" Steve interrupted thoughtfully. "After Thanos. When the realisation that we'd lost had set in. We- I was trying to find people - Wanda, Sam, T'Challa - they were all gone, and then Nat had to come get me. Jas… She wouldn't move. She was sitting on the ground, right where she was standing when we saw you die, just staring straight ahead. Nat couldn't get her to move, to leave, to help us. I had to pick her up and physically carry her away from there. She didn't say a word for hours and when I went to check on her, she was gone. I found her at your place, Buck. The place you were staying. She was just sitting there, holding this book in her hands and crying."
"She was… Sounds like she was in shock," Bucky muttered, coughing to clear his throat. Steve shook his head, raising his eyebrows.
"I think she was. But I watched her grieve for you for five years," he admitted quietly. "The first 18 months or so afterwards, it was so hard to be around her, so I let Natasha handle it. She wouldn't let me in, Bucky. Wouldn't let me near her, I couldn't do anything to help. She never said it, but she didn't need to - I knew the only person who could make things better was you. It took us both a long time to be okay again, but I've known for a while now that I'm not the man she's supposed to be with," Steve looked him dead in the eye. "You are."
Bucky was certain his heart stopped for a second; he felt as though the air had been knocked out of him, as if he was frozen in time. He had heard of out of body experiences before and, if he hadn't been looking straight ahead at Steve and not down at his own body, he would have sworn he was having one.
This had to be a joke. Steve was pulling his leg. There was no way this could be real.
"Is this a joke?" he asked desperately.
Steve's brow furrowed. "Why would I joke about someone like this? Look, I'm not saying she even knows it yet, because I don't think she's realised, but… She cares about you a lot. And when I'm gone, you gotta let her take care of you, Buck," Steve had told him. "And you gotta take care of her, too. Make sure she's okay. For me."
Steve had made him promise, and Bucky had done so with no hesitation; of course he'd take care of her. Even if he hadn't loved her. He owed it to her, owed it to Steve after everything they'd both done for him. There was no way he was going to walk away from her if she needed him.
He wasn't sure he would have been able to walk away from her even if she didn't.
He felt her stirring beside him and he looked down as she removed her arm from around to rub at her eyes as she looked around blearily. She paused, her mouth opening in surprise when her eyes landed on him.
Jas coughed. "Morning."
"G'morning," Bucky's arm tightened around her briefly and she offered him a weak smile, ducking her head down and tucking her hair behind her ears. "How're you feeling?"
"Embarrassed," Jas admitted sheepishly. "I'm sorry for my midnight breakdown. And for practically begging you to get in bed with me. I know you don't like to- that you can't sleep in a bed."
"It's okay," he lifted his shoulder in a shrug. "And it was more like a 3am breakdown, so…" he teased and Jas scoffed. "It's alright. You're allowed to be sad. It's only been a couple weeks."
"I broke down over a sweater," she groaned, burying her face in Bucky's chest and scowling when she felt, rather than heard, his laughter. "I need to do a Steve cleanse. Get rid of everything in this place that was his. You can help me," she told him, her voice muffled against his chest.
"Sure," Bucky agreed easily. "You wanna do it today?"
"No," Jas hummed, laying back down against him. She propped her chin up on chest and stared at him, her eyes wide as a pout on her lips. "You mind if I just lay on you for a little while longer?"
Bucky smiled softly. "No, Jasmine. I don't mind at all."
A/N: This is longest chapter so far and surprisingly, I didn't struggle with it much.
If you're interested in reading about the conversation between Jas and Steve that Sam and Bucky witnessed, it can be found on my tumblr (ben-bcrnes) under /tagged/jas-x-steve
Let me know what you think!
Becca
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tumblr: ben-bcrnes
twitter: acabecca
