Cheerio my deario

(By archy, I think.)

Warnings: innuendo, random cross-dressing, attempted molestation of said cross-dresser, Shounen-ai, Guilt being personified, awkward doctor and language

Disclaimer: If I owned Fruits Basket, there would be much man-loving. Shigure would get more ass. Huzzah.

A/N: Aww, I just love Tohru. Most yaoi shippers hate her, but I think she's such a sweetheart. I would die to have her as a best friend. I love her so much she gets a big role in this story. Hooray! I don't like ignoring the female characters like most people do. But I do think that Fruits Basket would be better as a hardcore yaoi. Heh.


"Hn! Fuck, Yuki! Stop, ah!"

"Say it."

"Ahn, god NO."

"Then give it to me."

"No fucking AH way!"

"Say it. I'll make it hurt more if you don't."

"NO, I won't fucking say- AH!"

"Just say it."

"Fine, goddamnit. You can have the last piece of cake, you stupid stupid-head! Now LET ME OUT OF THIS HEADLOCK!"

Yuki released the cat as he'd asked, swiped the piece of cake, stuck his princely nose in the air and marched off to his secret base. The cat was a little flushed, reasonably pissed and hungry. He really wanted that cake!

Now, it was about that time that Tohru came skipping in. She noticed the rather flustered Kyou and said, "You seem to be getting along fine with Yuki!"

All she got back was an unintelligent, "Blah?"

"Well, I just saw him leaving for his Secret Base and he looked really happy. And there's you… here. Um, looking a little…" she took the time to giggle modestly, "erm, 'flustered'."

Well, Kyou did look 'flustered'. His face was all red from being kept in a headlock and not being able to breathe, his hair was a little mussed from struggling and his clothes were a little out of place from wrestling with the prince. Of course, that could be completely misinterpreted. Woops.

"Ah… yeah," muttered the cat, blushing slightly and looking down at the floor. Tohru smiled, walked over to Kyou and patted him on the back.

"Oh, don't worry. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm so glad you two are finally getting along. It's good," said the girl, looking completely accepting of their 'gayness'. Kyou suddenly felt this horrible wave of guilt engulf him. He hated lying to her.

The girl suddenly got the look she always got when she had an idea. "I know! Since you've discovered your feminine side-"

Wait, feminine side?

"-we should do something fun together! Like… I don't know, go shopping!" Kyou internally groaned. He hadn't been shopping in ages. He hated it. But maybe, just maybe, if he decided to go shopping that little nagging guilty thing sitting in the back of his throat would go away.

"Erm… sure."

"Great! It's a plan then! Which mall would you like to go to, what should we-"

Ring Ring

"Oh, hey, listen, the phone!" said Tohru, grinning. It was an 8 step process to get to the phone: She went to answer it, tripped on a floor board, apologized to the floor board, grinned, got up, smashed into a wall, apologized to the wall for being mean, and got her cute little bottom to the phone.

Kyou groaned into his hand. He really didn't want to go shopping. And besides, where was Tohru going to get the money to go shopping? Well, she rarely went shopping for herself so maybe it could be some sort of epidemic for her? Or maybe he could get her something, as a thank-you gift.

The girl walked back into the kitchen, that perpetual smile plastered on her face. "That was Hatori. He just called to see if he could talk to Yuki. I told him your boyfriend wasn't here. Hatori said that he needed to talk to Yuki soon, so I told him that he could call again any time, so Hatori said that he needed to see Yuki and he would come over tomorrow afternoon."

And Kyou cares because…?

"Ah. Did he say what for?"

OK, Kyou did care. Curiosity killed the cat.

"Something about a health lesson…"

"Health… lesson?"

Thinking this over for a few seconds, Kyou suddenly realized something. And then he burst out laughing, which was something he usually didn't do.

Chance of embarrassing Yuki brought him back.

"Is something funny, Kyou?"

"N-no. Just… never mind. When would you like to go?"

"How about tomorrow afternoon? When Hatori's here to see Yuki."

No, but then he'd have to miss seeing Yuki embarrassed.

I am guilt. Listen to me bitch. BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH-

"FINE. Whatever, I'll go!" yelled Kyou, suddenly. Tohru gave him a blank stare. Kyou smiled sheepishly.

That's better.


And the next day, Kyou and Tohru were off on a short walk to the mall. It wasn't too far, and it was rather big. Yuki gave a little wave to both of them as they left. Tohru had animatedly told him about waiting for Hatori's visit and Shigure was the one who was thrilled. He loved it when the doctor visited him. He didn't like going all the way to the main house, the dog had said. Yuki had replied, that's because you're a bum and you never leave your house you lazy man. Shigure gave his lecherous smile, turned on his heel and went to finish something in his study.

Yuki sighed. Just then, someone knocked at the door. Yuki answered it. Oh joy, it was Hatori, looking as cheerful as ever.

His day just couldn't get much better.

"Hello," said the prince, cool and collected as ever. The doctor nodded and Yuki let the man in.

"I presume Tohru told you why I was coming," said Hatori, making his way into the house.

"Something about a 'health lesson', but I don't really understand," said Yuki. Why would Hatori need to give him a health lesson? It didn't make too much sense.

Now, our lovely little doctor wasn't too comfortable about talking with the rat about what he was about to unveil. It would be so much easier with Shigure, who would be a good comic relief, around. But then again, with all of the perverted jokes… Ugh.

"Well… erm…" said Hatori, feeling quite awkward. He didn't quite know how to word it, and it was really getting to him. "I first need to talk to Shigure."

"Oh, sure."

"I heard my name! Ha'ri!" said the author, scooting out of no where and crashing into the doctor. He snuggled his face into Hatori's shoulder. The doctor glared.

"Get off."


After about an hour of watching Tohru try on hideous clothing, Kyou wanted to take a big spoon, dig out his eyeballs and eat them. He didn't dislike shopping, he FUCKING hated it.

"Oh, Kyou. Does this look any good on me?" said Tohru, doing a little pirouette in place to show off the cute, flowery, knee-high sundress that currently adorned her. Kyou half groaned.

"Yes, it looks great. Now just buy something so that we can get out of here, please?"

Hello. Remember me? It's Guilt. I'm back. BITCH BITCH-

"OK, FINE. I FUCKING GET IT, JUST GET OFF MY BACK!" screamed Kyou. Well, that got him a lot of attention. He just rolled his eyes and leaned against the door of the change room.

"Um… sure, we can leave here, Kyou… just let me get changed back," said Tohru, ducking back into the doors. The cat's face fell into his palm. He really didn't want to be at the mall.

After Tohru gathered her bearings, the two walked around the mall for a little while. The place wasn't huge, but it had a good amount of brand-name stores and nice places that sold nice clothes. Tohru said that her feet were getting a little sore from all the walking so Kyou suggested they sit down on one of the benches that were scattered around the halls. She nodded and they both rested.

They shouldn't have stopped.

"Kyonkichi! Tohru!"

"Oh, hello Ayame!"


They sat around the table for more than an hour, Shigure and Hatori smoking cigarettes and Yuki sipping tea. Now, Hatori was rather agitated because of the awkward situation. Now, how to get about it… well, he had Shigure to thank for that.

"I'm sure Ha'ri is wondering how things are going between you and Kyou. Oh, it's so dramatic!" said the dog, rather theatrically. Yuki wanted to strangle the mutt, but resisted.

"Things with him are… fine."

"Oh… that's… good."

There was another bout of silence, before Shigure piped up.

"Oh, they're more than fine. I heard some rather… loud noises, coming from your bedroom last night, if you know what I mean."

Yeah, that was Kyou talking and yelling in his sleep again. He did that often.

"Really, Yuki. If you've slept with him already, I don't think we need to have this talk."

Yuki could feel the blood rising to his cheeks. "Erm, well…"

Hatori took this as the time to just come out and say it, "I'm just wondering if there's actually been any… penetration."

Yuki internally groaned. The talk was coming. And he was hating it. And Shigure's stupid, cackling laughter wasn't helping anything.


"Oh, Kyonkichi, I'm so glad you finally decided to fall onto our side of the tracks!" said the snake, hugging the squirming kitty. Kyou didn't like Ayame. And he (probably) wasn't gay either.

"Erm, sure, whatever," said Kyou, finally making his way out of Ayame's grasp. The snake grinned.

"And my brother is so lucky, getting a fox like you. I'm sure even Hatori has looked at your fine ass before!" sang the man. Kyou wanted to die. The cat didn't think he was all that great looking, but it was just a matter of opinion. And he really was hot. "I personally thought 'Gure had a better chance than my brother, or even Hatsuharu."

Must… resist… urge… to… throttle…

'Bad, Guilt. Bad.'

Shut up Kyou.

"But then again, I always had a great chance. I mean, I've even woken up in your bed once!" The snake grinned lecherously and that weird little urge to masticate his eyes came back to Kyou.

'Oooh, you should've had fun with him while he was still sleeping!' said Ayame's conscious. Yeah, even Aaya's conscious had gone to the dark side. They had cookies.

"Oh… that's wonderful," said Tohru, looking a little bit confused. "Why are you at the mall today, Ayame?"

"Ah, well, I was horrendously bored at my shop and I decided to leave it in charge of Mine for once so I could do something on my own," said the snake, waving his arms around dramatically as he spoke. "Lucky I met you both here. I would have bored myself to death!"

"Lucky indeed," grumbled Kyou, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Ah! I have a rather great idea. Oh, if it came from me it must be a good idea of course! We should go shop for Kyou!" sang Ayame. Kyou blinked at his cousin for a moment before the snake continued, "We should buy something sexy. Something Yuki would like… and even more, like to take off of you!" Ayame giggled and muttered, "Oh, I'm so naughty."

Kyou was crying inside.

And as such, he was dragged off by the snake and a sympathetic Tohru (who was still agreeing to help Ayame anyway).


So, after an extensive list of risks, STDs, great sex positions (courtesy of Shigure) and a lot of other things, Yuki was sitting rather pale and shocked at the table. Hatori looked a little flustered and embarrassed. Hey, Hatori was a doctor and a very clinical person but describing things like this to his younger cousin… well, it was a little disturbing.

Not to mention all the things he was describing, Yuki would be doing them to Kyou, his other cousin. It wasn't like Hatori wasn't guilty of having… sexual relations with his other cousins (cough, Shigure and Ayame, cough), but it was just a little squicky. And that issue that they were all under age…

Ah, but who the hell cares anyway?

"I'm sorry I had to put you through this-"

"Ah, don't be sorry, Ha'ri. It was very funny!"

"Shut up, you'll only make him more embarrassed than he already is."

"And you see that's FUN."

Yuki was getting this sinking feeling in the back of his head, and he just wanted to melt inside of himself and DIE. This was so humiliating.

If he only knew what was happening to Kyou that moment.


"Awww, come out Kyonkichi!" sang the snake. He really wanted to see the cat in the outfit he had picked out for him.

"NO, GODDAMNIT."

"Please, Kyou!" said Tohru. She didn't see what the snake had chosen.

The cat was staring at himself in the mirror in the change room and he wanted to cry. He really wanted to cry. But Tohru and Ayame promised him that they could leave after he tried something on. But that something… well, they didn't say it was something that looked like it was something that a prostitute would wear.

Ayame was going to die.

"Just come out, pleaaaaaaaaase? You can go home if you show us!" said Ayame.

So, finally, Kyou pulled back the curtain and snuck out, blush lining his cheeks. Ayame was shell shocked, Tohru was blinking. The snake thought the cat would look stupid but… whoa.

He had picked out a slinky little black dress for the kitty, it was barely reaching the thing's thighs (and Kyou was trying oh-so-hard to pull the crimson-lace-lined hem down). The collar was very low, and also lined with that pretty lace that matched the cat's eye color. The thing made his sharp angles look almost feminine and Tohru suddenly thought that Kyou was possibly more girly than Yuki. And, to complete the look Kyou was wearing high-heels. But not just any shoes. Kyou was wearing stilettos.

"Erm… can I get changed back now?" asked Kyou, a blush staining his cheeks. Ayame could only gape, jaw pretty much down to the floor.

"You-you look… uhhhhhhhhhhh…" The snake continued his psychobabble for a little while. Kyou and Tohru just stood there and stared at him.

He's pretty cute, said Ayame's conscience.

'He's my brother's first boyfriend,' replied the right side of Ayame's brain. 'I can't exactly sleep with him.'

Yuki doesn't have to know…

'But Tohru's here…'

We'll offer her candy. Go ahead.

Oh yes, Ayame's conscience was like another Hitler.

'No… I can't…'

Use the force, Ayame.

'No, I seriously can't!'

I'll give you a cookie.

OK, that was rational enough for Aya-dear.

He jumped the cat.

Kyou flew over backwards with a squeak, stiletto's high in the air.

Things all went bonkers from there.


Cliffie. MUAHAHA. This chapter is long for me. Woooh. XD Hope you enjoyed.

Next up: Yuki beats his brother up, Kyou has a angsty melt down and Tohru doesn't get any candy.

PS: for all of you who are also reading 'all fall down' my other story, the next chapter will be delayed. i'm moving soon, and i don't know how often i'll have the internet for a while. sorry.