written by guilt. no, seriously. archy didn't write ANY OF THIS.
seriously guys. it makes me WTF too.
Another chapter so soon? Of CHEERIO? Of ARCHY'S Cheerio?
I know. Unbelievable.
Which is why it isn't true.
This is a Guilt Chapter.
I'm Guilt.
"Hello!" offered Guilt with a smile, strolling along. "I'd like to clear up a couple of…misconceptions. Anything Archy says about me is probably a lie. Keep that in mind. So far, I think the only thing she hasn't lied about me is that I'm female.
"Betcha thought Guilt was a guy up until she said that, didn't you?
"That's okay. So did I. (That sounded weird.) Until I was appointed Guilt one day by Archy. Because according to her, 'You're the only one who can bitch like Guilt can.'
"Thanks for that, Archy. That makes me feel spectacular."
(Whoo! Quotation marks for Guilt! VICTORY. Although italics are cooler. It's just that as Guilt, I haven't gotten much of an opportunity to use them. I'm like a kid in a candy store at this point. Ugh. Dumb metaphor.)
Guilt stopped walking, and she cocked her head to the side. "I bet you're wondering, what's the point of this?" She gestured vaguely with her left hand. "There is none, not really. But Archy's being an idiot, procrastinating on putting up a real chapter of Cheerio. All you've gotten is an anniversary notice and a Guilt Chapter. But it was an Archy-written Guilt chapter. So far, all of them have been.
"Except this one. This time, Guilt gets to do the writing.
"Betcha didn't know that Guilt was a real person. Actually, a lot of the people in this story are. It's Archy's dirty little secret. She's bad with original characters.
"Anyway, Cheerio's on the homestretch with only a couple more chapters. All the random friend-character injections (ones you have and haven't met) have been pestering her. With little results, we're sorry to admit. But at least we did try."
Tugging at one ear, Guilt pursed her lips. "Something is missing. Ah, yes! What would a Guilt Chapter be without total and complete random idiocy?"
Announcer: And tonight on Days of our Idiocy…
"Snoop, while you were away on tour, I married the Flower Murderer's right show. We have four children, now. He thinks Plot is his, too. Despite the fact that neither one of us is black and the kid is. I'm sorry, but you were gone so long…" Bin-Bin trailed off. "And his roommate had some really awesome gay porn!"
"You had his children! NO! I was only gone for FOUR MONTHS…"
"But now you're back!"
"HIS CHILDREN!"
"If you give me a Porsche, I'll run them over with it!" offered Bin-Bin brightly.
"Fo' sho'."
Snoop gifted unto Bin-Bin a brand new Porsche, who promptly drove it over to where she lived with her shoe-husband under an umbrella. Her five children ran out gleefully to greet her.
And they were summarily run over, their little bones snapping and crunching under the wheels.
"Mommy!" cried Plot, just before his head was crushed and his brains leaked out to pool in the road.
"MY CHILD!" screamed Snoop.
"Whoops. Was I not supposed to kill that one?" She shrugged and backed up. "Oh, well. Snoop, get in the car."
"Okay." Snoop hopped in and they drove off into the Grand Canyon.
"We're alright."
"And I'm too much of a wuss to do anything about her killing my children," added the right shoe.
"Bastard. I don't know why I haven't killed you yet," snarled the left.
"Because you love me?"
Announcer: Today in the obituaries, the Flower Murderer's right shoe.
"Wasn't that…is fun really the right word to use here? Whatever. You get to hear from the real Guilt, read about what the Buddy Barn Girl gets up to when she's not doing actual Cheerio, know what happened to the Plot-- you know, Archy, the one Cheerio USED TO HAVE-- and…that's it.
"Still, I actually got to write one of my own chapters. Finally.
"Remember, whatever Archy says about me is probably a lie. I HAVE POCKETS."
I'm done now.
don't ask. real chapter shall be up soon. if i feel like it.
