CHAPTER 11 : A DREAM
16/02/2019
"Bellamy."
The voice was familiar, but he couldn't quite recognize it. Everything was blurred, He felt completely lost. He was seated somewhere, but it was dark.
"Bellamy," the voice repeated.
He finally realized he was in a car, in the passenger seat. It was night outside. He had a strange feeling.
"Bellamy."
The voice was coming from his left. He turned around to see who was talking to him, but it was like he couldn't focus on what he was doing. He knew someone was beside him, but couldn't tell who it was. He felt a hand on his arm.
"Bellamy," the woman said again.
Suddenly, he recognized it. This time when he looked in her direction, he saw her face clearly. Her brown curls around her face, a sad smile on her lips, softness in her eyes.
"Gina," he said.
"Bellamy, you need to listen."
"What?"
He didn't understand what she was trying to say. Everything was so confusing. He could see light behind her, getting brighter each minute. He looked around him. Panic took control of his body when he realized where and when they were. He couldn't remember it, but he knew what was about to happen.
"Gina, the car!" he screamed at her.
But she didn't react.
"Bellamy, you need to listen," she told him again.
"Gina!"
He could see the headlights behind her, coming closer and closer.
"Get out of the car!" he screamed again.
"Bellamy…"
"Behind you!"
They were getting closer, faster.
"Listen. Why won't you listen?" she said.
He couldn't breathe. Gina kept repeating the same words again and again, as if she couldn't hear him.
"Gina! The car!"
"Why won't you listen Bellamy? Listen to me!"
The light was blinding him.
"Gina!"
"Listen!"
A bang. White everywhere. Boom.
Bellamy jolted awake, sweating. He straightened on his bed, breathing heavily. He was so hot he had to take his shirt off. It took a few minutes to calm down, slowly realizing he was okay, it wasn't real.
"Just a dream." he told himself.
But was it? It seemed so real, so vivid. He didn't remember the accident, nor anything that happened before. He'd dreamed of Gina more times than he could count, so that wasn't new. He would be reliving a memory of her he did remember, or he'd made up a scene where he could talk to her and ask her for forgiveness. But he'd never, ever dreamed of that night.
He couldn't shake the weird feeling he had. It was as if he'd just talked to a ghost. His body was still shaking and he was now getting cold. He got up, put another shirt on, and went to the kitchen to have a glass of water. His throat was dry.
He'd been living in a small apartment for the past two years. During the first few months after his accident, he'd been at Octavia's. He was hurt, depressed, and amnesic. Sometimes, he would just walk around the house, lost in his thoughts. He would have panic attacks in the middle of the night. He would tell himself 'You're Bellamy Blake. You're 28. You have a sister, Octavia. Your mother was Aurora Blake, she died. Your best friend is Miller. You were a History teacher. Your girlfriend was Gina Martin, she died in a car accident.' And he would start all over again until he was convinced he wasn't crazy. Sometimes, it could last for hours.
Octavia still passed by every week. He was much better, fortunately. But he hated going to bed, because he could never really sleep in peace. He was used to getting up in the middle of night. When he couldn't go back to sleep, he would watch documentaries or he would read. Which he was probably going to do tonight. He used to do puzzles, because the doctor insisted it was good for him. Bellamy had, like, eight different puzzles. He told his doctor he was still doing them, but in reality, he couldn't care less.
He sat on the couch and turned on the TV. He found a documentary on the Roman Empire, one he'd seen four times already. He sighed, checking the hour on his phone. 4:12am. About 10 hours before he could see Claire again, he calculated.
In almost three years, he'd never felt so alive. Meeting Claire was the best thing that had happened to him. How he spent his days, who he would talk to, where he would go, what he would see… it'd all been the same for so long, and suddenly this girl was changing everything. He knew in his heart she had the answers he was looking for. Little details, like her knowing he didn't take sugar with his coffee, were only confirming his suspicions. He also knew she had secrets he couldn't wait to uncover, even if it scared him. She was a mystery. But at the same time, she had this awkwardness he couldn't help but find funny. And she didn't look at him with pity, she just looked sad most of the time. He couldn't understand why, at least not yet.
He knew he had to be patient with her. The drawing seemed like it was lot to take for her already, so he didn't tell her about the hospital. Maybe she would bring it up on her own and explain why she'd come to see him after the accident. He wasn't planning on telling anyone about their "meetings"—Octavia and his friends were constantly checking on him and for once he was doing something on his own—but he wondered why she wanted this to remain a secret. One more mystery.
Bellamy leaned into his couch, trying to focus on the documentary. But his mind kept coming back to his dream, or rather his nightmare. He kept hearing Gina's words, 'Listen! Why won't you listen?' He could still see the headlights getting closer behind her, and that image alone made him shiver. It didn't make sense. What did she want to tell him? What was he supposed to listen to? He spent half an hour just wondering about it, until he felt the need to see her face. He could find the box full of pictures he kept somewhere in his apartment, but he would have to rummage through all of his stuff. Instead, he did something which was very unusual of him: he went on Facebook. His old computer took some time to load the page, but finally he was able to go through his (very few) pictures on his profile. He didn't find much, as expected. He only had one small, blurry photo of him and Gina. Octavia had commented on it,so he went on her profile instead. She used social media much more frequently than he did.
He scrolled down her page, wanting to see more. A few minutes later, he'd gone on four different profiles and had seen many photos of his friends. He felt a bit weird, doing that. He didn't want to seem like he was spying on them, even if they wouldn't know. But sometimes, he just needed to see what he couldn't remember. As he was going through Jasper's photos, one of them caught his eye. It was during a Halloween party. He smiled, seeing himself dressed up as a vampire, clearly feeling uncomfortable. He was frowning, looking at something behind the camera. Beside him were Jasper and Monty, laughing. He almost didn't recognize Gina next to him, a big pirate hat hiding part of her face. Her smile was so big. Seeing her like this felt so good but hurt so bad at the same time. She didn't deserve to die so young. Bellamy sighed. Beside Gina was Harper, her arm around someone's shoulders. Someone with blond hair and a ponytail, almost completely out of the photo except for a face.
Bellamy froze.
Claire was standing there, just beside Harper and him and Gina. He looked at the date: 31st October 2015. Three years and a half ago. He went through the comments and the tags, hoping to find her name somewhere, but there was nothing. He typed her name in the search bar, but couldn't find any profile that would correspond to her. He couldn't believe it. He needed to know more.
Claire knew Gina.
~oOo~
"So, are you still pissed at me?" Raven said as she answered her phone.
Clarke was a few meters away from the café, trying to buy time before she had to face Bellamy again. She still wasn't used to the situation, and Bellamy knowing so much was a lot to handle. She kept changing her mind every two minutes.
"A bit," Clarke admitted.
She needed someone to talk to. Someone to tell her that she was making the right decision, or on the contrary that she had to leave now. Raven was this person for her, even if she still hadn't completely forgiven her.
"Yeah, that's understandable," Raven said.
Clarke smiled in spite of herself. It felt good to hear her friend's voice.
"I'm in Arkadia," she told her.
"Yeah, I know."
"You do?"
That was surprising, she'd never told anyone aside from Abby. Oh.
"My mom told you, didn't she?" Clarke guessed.
"She just wanted to let me know, since you wouldn't talk to me. I'm a little offended that she could convince you to go and I couldn't, by the way."
"Well, she didn't force me into it," Clarke snapped, maybe a bit too harshly.
Raven stayed silent on the phone for a while. Clarke bit her lip and sighed. This isn't the way she wanted the conversation to go.
"Okay," Raven said. "Again, I'm sorry, Clarke. I won't do it again. I genuinely thought it would be good for you."
"Yeah, okay. I know," Clarke said, trying to sound calm.
She would forgive her one day, just not yet.
"Listen, I… I don't know what to do," Clarke started.
"What do you mean?"
"I just… I can't think. Like, it's a fucking mess in my head. I'm stressed all the time, 'cause I can't do or say anything without thinking about the consequences, but at the same time I feel like I have to do this."
Raven stayed silent for a while. Clarke wished she could see her face. She wondered if she was frowning or pursing her lips or rolling her eyes. Maybe none of those things.
"So, you talked to him? To Bellamy?" she asked Clarke.
"Yeah," Clarke sighed. "And he knows so much more than I expected. I'm not sure I can do this."
"Clarke, listen," Raven said, very serious. "You're the strongest person I know. You survived so much. You lost your dad. You lost Wells. You met fucking Finn."
Clarke laughed, but tears filled her eyes.
"But, it was good thing in the end since you met me." Raven continued.
"True."
This. This was why she'd called Raven. Because she could put a smile on her face in a minute and motivate her to do what is right.
"And… I don't know what happened to you three years ago. But I saw you get up every day, even if you felt like the shittiest person in the world, and try to get your life together."
Clarke was deeply moved, a tear falling on her cheek. She couldn't speak. Raven words felt so good to hear.
"So, yeah. You can do this. And you fucking have to do this, Clarke, 'cause I'm tired of seeing you unhappy."
Clarke took a breath and cleared her throat before she spoke again.
"But… If I tell him everything… the consequences…"
"Oh my god, fuck the consequences," Raven said, exasperated.
Clarke rolled her eyes. It was so Raven-like. But it worked, because she felt better. She felt… strong.
"For once in your life, think about yourself. You deserve it," Raven concluded.
~oOo~
Clarke took the time to dry her tears and regain her composure before she entered the café. Bellamy was already there, seated at a table on the right, looking at his phone. For a second, she didn't move, only looked at him. He was so beautiful it hurt. She smiled when he tried to move a curl from his eyes and it fell back on his face immediately. He frowned and finally looked up, locking eyes with her. He smiled and she went to sit in front of him. She noticed he had already ordered coffee.
"Sorry, I'm late," she told him.
"Don't worry, it's fine."
His stare went down her face and she wondered if he could guess she'd been crying. She held her breath, waiting for him to say something. He stayed silent for so long she wondered if he was actually looking at her of if he was just lost in his thoughts once again. Finally, he put down his phone.
"How do you feel?" he asked her.
So, he had noticed something was up. Clarke looked down, avoiding his gaze.
"Great," she said.
She was used to it—pretending everything was fine when she felt like the shittiest person in the world. She'd been doing it almost every day for two and a half years.
But Bellamy didn't just look at her, he saw her. So, of course he knew she was lying. He sighed.
"I know what it's like," he told her, his voice reassuring.
His words convinced her to look up. She tilted her head to the side, waiting for him to continue.
"People expect you to be fine all the time. At some point, you just give up trying to explain how you really feel," he said, frowning, as if it reminded him of bad memories.
He leaned towards her. Suddenly, Clarke was very aware of how intimate the moment was, with just the two of them seated at this small table, so close to each other. Her heart beat faster in her chest.
"I just—" he continued. "I want you to feel fine, 'cause I feel… great when I'm with you. I don't know why, exactly, but I do. And that's not a lie," he added, the corners of his mouth slowly moving into a faint smile.
She realized how worried Bellamy was. He was afraid she would leave once again, that it was all because of him. He needed to know she was there for him, as he was for her. Until then, she'd never let her guard down. But seeing how open he was with her… 'Fuck the consequences.'
"Bellamy," she said, determined, "I'm fine, and I'm not going anywhere."
He sighed, obviously relieved.
They remained silent after that. She noticed his gaze kept coming back to his phone then to her face again. He apparently was having one of those moments where hewas completely lost in his own thoughts. He seemed unreachable, almost absent. But she could see in his eyes that his mind was racing and she didn't know why exactly. She ordered a cappuccino, waiting until he was ready to talk.
A few minutes later, he put his phone down on the table.
"I'd like to ask you something," he said.
He seemed… hesitant, almost nervous. She frowned, suddenly worried. She knew he would ask questions, and she was trying to get used to that, but his behavior was intriguing.
"Yes?"
"I, uh…" he started.
He picked up his phone again, but didn't turn it on.
"Did you know Gina?" he blurted out.
Gina.
In the past two and a half years, Clarke had never heard her name. She'd never said it either, but it was always in the back of her mind—just like Bellamy's. Sometimes, Gina was the only thing Clarke could think about. During those days, the guilt and the shame would swallow her whole, until she couldn't come out of her room because living was so fucking hard. She'd never talked about her to Raven or Abby or anyone else—even Jasper, Monty and Harper—not only because she didn't want to, but because she felt like she didn't even deserve to say her name. One time, she'd had a panic attack because she'd seen a woman who looked like her. She would dream about that night, asking Gina for forgiveness over and over again. She was the reason why Clarke couldn't tell Bellamy everything.
So yeah, she knew Gina.
Clarke swallowed, hoping Bellamy wouldn't notice the shock she felt when she heard Gina's name. She opened her mouth so say something, but nothing came out. She clenched her fists to keep her hands from shaking, and nodded.
"Okay," Bellamy said, kindly.
He turned back to his phone. She couldn't see what he was doing, but he seemed like he was looking for something. Then, he looked up and smiled at her, probably trying to reassure her. He put the phone in front of her. Clarke had an awful feeling of déjà-vu, when he'd shown her the drawing. She braced herself for whatever she was going to discover.
"I found this," Bellamy said.
Clarke looked closely, taking the phone in her hands. It was a picture on Facebook, apparently. At first, she didn't even recognize everyone, she only saw the costumes and was wondering why he would show her this. But then she saw Bellamy's face, and Jasper's and the others. The realization finally hit her when she saw Gina's face under the big pirate hat, and hers in the corner. The Halloween party. It felt like a different, alternative life. As if it'd all been a dream.
Clarke sighed.
"I met her that night," she declared, her voice low.
31/10/2015
Clarke smiled as she went to the table where she'd left her drink, out of breath. She'd just played and lost at Guitar Hero—her opponent was way too good at this game—and her Buffy costume was sticking to her skin, but she felt good. She'd laughed and danced a lot, her friends encouraging her.
They were all at Miller's. She didn't know everyone, but Monty and Jasper had introduced her to many of them. She'd met this Murphy guy Bellamy had told her about multiple times. They didn't even talk to each other directly, but she could see he was kind of a douchebag. 'He has a good side, though,' Bellamy would say about him. Well, he didn't show it.
Speaking of Bellamy, she'd been there for an hour and still hadn't seen him. She looked around her, searching for his brown curls somewhere in the crowd, but she only spotted Harper waving at her, a big smile on her face. Clarke smiled back and raised her glass. She was about to go to her, when she heard a voice on her left.
"You did great."
Clarke turned around and was surprised to find her previous opponent—a beautiful woman with long, brown curls and warm eyes. They didn't actually know each other, they'd never even really talked aside from the teasing they thew at each other during the game. At first, Clarke was supposed to play against Jasper until he somehow disappeared, and this woman came out of nowhere to replace him. She'd absolutely killed it at Guitar Hero, Clarke didn't stand a chance. It'd been fun, though.
The woman winked at her.
"Thank you," Clarke laughed. "But, you're unbeatable at that."
She shrugged and leaned against the table behind her, her brown curls falling on her shoulders.
"Yeah, well, that's kinda my thing. I'm a musician."
Clarke's eyes widened, feeling stupid for not thinking about it before.
"Oh!"
"Yeah," the woman nodded, smiling.
"That explains a lot."
They laughed. Clarke sipped from her drink and leaned against the table beside her. Clarke took a look at her, observing her for the first time. It was so unexpected. It wasn't so much the fact that she talked to Clarke that was a bit intriguing, but more the way she talked and moved. She seemed so confident that Clarke almost felt intimidated. She looked a bit older than her, too. Clarke could easily imagine she was the kind of person everyone liked, always surrounded by a group of friends.
"What's your hidden talent?" the girl asked.
Even though she seemed so sure of herself, she didn't come off as haughty. On the contrary, it felt easy to talk to her. So, because she felt like such a kind and nice person, Clarke opened up.
She didn't know how long they talked, but it was long enough for Clarke to refill her drink for the third time. She told her about painting, of course, but also about her friends, her work. Apparently, her new friend was a singer, and a very good one. She performed in bars with a small group, getting more and more attention from the public. It was too bad the music was too loud in there, Clarke would've loved to hear her voice—even if she kept saying she was 'just fine,' Artists were never objective with their own art.
"And what happens next?" Clarke asked her, wanting to know how the anecdote ended.
"So I come off the stage," she continued, already laughing, "and I see this weird th-"
"Here you are!" someone interrupted.
They both turned around, coming face to face with… what looked like a ridiculous vampire, his black cloak hanging weirdly around his neck. Clarke's gaze swept over his face covered in fake blood, until she noticed the back curls and the brown eyes. She burst out laughing, realizing it was Bellamy.
"Hey!" she managed to say.
"Hey!" her new friend said, at the same time.
They looked at each other, Clarke's puzzled expression mirroring her new friend's. Wait, what?
"Oh, you guys met," Bellamy said, his voice muffled by his fake teeth.
"What do you mean?" the brunette asked him.
Clarke watched Bellamy come right next to the girl, putting his right hand on her waist. Either Clarke was way too drunk or she was missing something, because she couldn't comprehend what was happening.
"Gina, this is Clarke," he said. "You know, the new art teacher I told you about?"
Clarke's breath caught in her chest.
He smiled at Gina, and even if he looked ridiculous, Clarke could see the love in his eyes. The shock of the revelation made her feel a bit dizzy—but she could also blame alcohol for that. She felt so stupid, because she could've guessed. They'd been talking for God knows how long and they didn't even know each other's name. They didn't even think about asking.
Gina's mouth formed an 'o', as she realized who she'd been talking to all along. At least Gina felt the same as she did.
"Oh, yeah! So, you're Clarke?" she said, grinning.
It was weird, watching her and Bellamy being so close. A few seconds ago, she was just a cool stranger she was making conversation with. Now, she was Bellamy's girlfriend.
And she was fucking perfect.
Clarke tried to meet Bellamy's gaze, but he only stared at Gina. Was he doing it on purpose?
"Uh, yeah," Clarke smiled, even if she couldn't help but feel weird about the situation.
It made sense, anyway. Anyone could fall in love with this girl.
"Bellamy told me about you," Gina said, as Bellamy looked down.
"He did?"
For some reason, she didn't think he would. Their friendship was pretty recent. But they were a couple, after all. Of course he would tell her.
Bellamy finally locked eyes with her, but he felt so far away. It was like he wasn't the same as usual. The stupid costume wasn't helping.
"Yeah! I'm glad I met you," Gina told her, and it sounded so genuine.
Clarke had a hard time associating the nice girl she'd just met with the idea of Bellamy's girlfriend she'd made up in her head. She'd seen him sad and stressed enough times to hold a grudge against this person she didn't know, and now she didn't know how to feel. They seemed in love, happy. So, what was going on? She shouldn't care. It was none of her business.
Just as she was about to answer, Jasper bumped into her, Monty following close behind.
"Pictuuuure!" he screamed, raising his hands in the air.
Bellamy groaned, trying to escape the embarrassment of the situation, but Gina laughed and pulled him closer to her.
"Oh, no, no, no. You're not going anywhere," she told him.
"Hey, Bryan!" Jasper called out.
A guy Clarke recognized as Miller's boyfriend came to them, his hands in his pocket.
"Yep?
"Can you take a photo?" Jasper asked, screaming way too loud, his hands moving frenetically.
The guy shrugged.
"Yeah, sure," he said.
Jasper shoved the phone in his hands and walked up to Clarke, putting himself between her and Gina. Clarke—not feeling in the mood—took this opportunity to get away from him, hoping he wouldn't notice her fleeing. But as she passed by Monty, someone grabbed her arm.
"Where are you going?" Harper asked her, laughing.
"Ugh."
Clarke rolled her eyes and sighed. She was dragged back to the group again, Harper holding on to her.
"I'm not even sure we all fit…" she started.
"Shut up and smile!" her friend told her.
So, Clarke leaned in and forced herself to grin. The flash blinded her, but all she could see was Bellamy's face and the way he stared at her new friend. At his girlfriend. At Gina.
