CHAPTER 20 : Promise
09/03/2019
It was a beautiful day.
The sun was shining, illuminating the leaves of the huge trees all around her, blinding her. She raised a hand before her eyes, watching two children running past her.
She could feel a gentle breeze on her skin, provoking chills all over her body. Her short hair was tickling her nose.
The sky was so blue, she wanted to lie down in the grass and stare at the rare clouds passing by.
It was the kind of days that made her smile, because everything felt so good.
But Clarke wasn't smiling, and everything hurt.
Her heart was heavy. She was closed to tears each time her mind reminded her of him. And what he'd discovered.
She wished she could've told him herself. She wished she'd had the occasion to introduce herself properly, to tell him the truth.
Instead, Miller had found her and ruined everything.
It was inevitable, she knew that. She couldn't hide forever. But… Bellamy's face. The look in his eyes. The pain, the anger, the betrayal.
It was all her fault.
It'd been five days since she last saw him. He'd asked her to give him time, so that's what she did. Even if it tortured her not to be able to talk to him. To explain the unexplainable.
Until this morning, when he sent her text. Finally.
It was somewhat ironical, and maybe a kind of punishment, that he chose this park to meet her. That same park they came to, when she'd accepted to talk to him again. She was already Claire Graham, then. And he was running after her, forcing her to face him. Now she was the one running after him, hoping he wouldn't leave her.
Her heart was beating fast ever since she'd left the house. She was looking all around her, searching for him. What if he didn't come, because he decided she wasn't worth it?
She wouldn't survive this. She couldn't do this again. Losing him.
She kept walking for a few seconds, her hands shaking.
Then, there he was. Seated on a bench. The sight of him, his curls, his face, his hands, made her stop. He was beautiful. And her heart was breaking.
She felt the tears coming, but she closed her eyes to hold them. She wouldn't be crying. She didn't want to. A few weeks ago, she would've run the opposite direction. Now she was fighting the urge to hold him in her arms. She was tired of being afraid of the consequences, it was too late anyway. She just wanted to live her life knowing Bellamy Blake didn't hate her.
She took a step, then another towards him. It reminded her of the day she'd confronted him about their kiss… or their almost kiss in the workshop. She would give everything she had to go back to this day. She wouldn't make the same choices.
Bellamy seemed to not notice her, until he took a brief look at her. It was so quick, she wondered if she imagined it. But seeing that his body had suddenly tensed, and his jaw clenched, then he probably had. She sighed and walked to the bench. She hesitated, then sat not too far, but not too close, from him. Her body was still deeply aware of his proximity, though.
They remained silent, for a very long time.
"Hi," she eventually whispered.
"Hi," he said, after a moment. "Clarke."
Ouch.
She did deserve that.
She tried to lock eyes with him, but he wouldn't look at her. He was still angry. She couldn't blame him.
She didn't say anything, because how could she respond to that? But he didn't either, and Clarke got tired of the silence. She wanted to get this over with.
She would do the talking, then.
"I'm sorry," she said, her voice tight.
She saw him close his eyes briefly.
"I'm truly sorry. And I… I was planning to tell you."
"When?"
There. Finally.
He turned to her and stared at her. Her heart missed a beat, the intensity of his dark eyes on her confusing her thoughts.
It felt both like a blessing and tragedy.
"When where you going to tell me, Clarke?" he asked, cold.
The fact that he insisted on her name, her real name, again made her wince. She never thought the sound of her name on his lips would hurt so much.
She sighed.
"I don't know," she admitted.
Bellamy snorted, but he seemed more sad rather than bitter. She knew she'd disappointed him, and he was hurting too.
Maybe it was too late. Maybe they were too broken.
Maybe it wouldn't get better.
But she had to believe they could get through this, even if he didn't stay by her side.
Bellamy put his head back, looking at the sky, and sighed.
"Listen… I just… Fuck, I don't know what to do," he groaned, clenching his fists.
Clarke looked down, waiting for him to continue.
"You know, everyone's going on about their opinion about my life. My past. Who I should see. What I should know. What I should do. But I don't want their opinion, I want the truth."
She felt his gaze on her, probably waiting for a reaction from her. But she didn't move, biting her lips. Yeah, she knew exactly what he wanted.
Bellamy sighed, again.
"Miller thinks you're the worst thing that ever happened to me. Jasper and Monty seem to be on your side. And I thought I could trust you, but you lied to me."
Damn, that hurt.
Suddenly, she was too choked up to speak.
She felt, more than she saw, him get closer to her, his body almost entirely turned towards her.
"That's why I need you to talk to me. 'Cause… I want to believe you, Clai… Clarke. I want to believe you so fucking much. But if everything you told me was a lie, I d-"
"No."
Bellamy tensed.
"What?"
"No. It was not a lie."
She took a breath and gathered up the courage to look at him. He needed to see that she was being honest.
"It was all true. The memories. I didn't made them up Bellamy, I swear. I just… decided not to tell you about certain things."
Bellamy frowned, thinking. His eyes were moving up and down her face, as if he could detect the lie somewhere. But he didn't seem to be wary of her, just worried. And sad, always sad.
"Then why didn't you tell who you were?"
"Because…"
She started playing with her hands, anxious. She knew what she was about to tell him.
"Do you remember the first time you met me?"
She didn't say the first time we met, because that was another time, another day, which Bellamy didn't remember.
But he remembered her, stumbling upon him, years later.
"At Jasper's?" he asked
She quickly looked up at him, long enough to see the shadow of a smile of his lips.
"Yeah. When we bumped into each other."
Bellamy nodded.
Clarke took a breath.
"We had been planning this for weeks. I mean, me, Jas', Monty and Harper. I wouldn't come to Monty and Harper's wedding. I wouldn't see anyone besides them. I would stay for a few days, then leave without anyone knowing I was ever there."
She shook her head, smiling in spite of herself.
"You ruined everything, you know," she continued. "You showed up the very first day, Bellamy. The very first fucking day."
Bellamy's eyes were not leaving her face.
"I remember the shock of seeing you, after so long. I didn't expect you. But then you were there, right in front of me, and you… didn't know me."
Tears were threatening to fall. She swallowed with difficulty.
"I saw it in your eyes," she whispered, her voice choked up. "Just like last time… at the hospital."
A tear rolled down her cheek, and she wiped it off before he could.
It took her a few seconds before she was able to speak again.
"What I'm trying to say is, Jasper made that stupid name up when he saw you. Then, he told me. And… I guess it was easier to hide behind that than take the risk to reveal who I was and lose you again."
"Clarke…"
"I'm a coward, Bellamy. I'm sorry. But that's the truth. And it was all for nothing, because I'm going to lose you anyway." she kept going, her voice shaking.
At least she said it. She couldn't hold it in for much longer.
Bellamy took her hand in his, surprising her. His touch was reassuring, warm.
He leaned in, his face only a few inches from her.
"You won't lose me," he murmured. "But only if you're honest with me."
"I am."
"Then please, please… Tell me what happened between us. I can't live like this anymore," he said, and she could hear the pain in his voice.
"Bellamy…"
"I need you. Please."
His forehead was touching hers. His breath was warm on her skin. His hands pushed back the hair hiding her face, and rested on her cheeks. She took a shaky breath.
She was at loss of words.
"Were you…" he started.
He seemed to hesitate.
"Were you there? The night of the accident?" he asked.
Clarke eyes widened. Her heart dropped.
He'd never asked her about the accident, until then.
Shit.
It was over. He knew too much, or not enough. Clarke wouldn't get out of this without an explanation.
"What did Miller tell you?" she asked, feeling the panic growing in her chest.
Bellamy slowly moved away from her. He was suspecting something.
His hands left her face, but only to drop to hers, joined on her thighs.
He briefly clenched his jaw.
"He told me you were there. And that you were hiding things from me," he explained.
"That's it?"
Bellamy nodded.
Clarke sighed.
"He's right. I was there. And I have been hiding things from you, but you already know that."
Bellamy winced. Even if she had admitted it, it probably wasn't pleasing to hear.
"Then what happened?" he asked.
Clarke shook her head.
She could tell him about many things. But not that night, not yet. Maybe not ever.
"I can't. I'm sorry."
This time, Bellamy removed his hands from hers, disappointment written all over his face.
"Fuck," he said.
"Just… Not yet," she added, trying to reassure him.
He shook his head, one of his hands playing nervously with his hair.
"Promise me you'll tell me one day," he said quietly, desperation in his eyes.
He was asking a lot from her. She didn't feel strong enough to stay faithful to such a promise. But he deserved peace, and if she could give him that then she was ready to make sacrifices.
"Okay," she sighed. "I promise."
She didn't know what she wished for the most: that she would eventually find the courage to tell him the truth, or that she never had to.
Whatever happened, it would cost her so much.
Bellamy seemed to relax, even if still disappointed. He frowned.
"Is that why you're hiding from them?" he asked. "From Miller and my sister?"
"Yes. I… I promised them I wouldn't come back. To you."
Bellamy stared at her, and she stared back. Through his eyes, she saw how lost he felt. How much those secrets were torturing him.
But most of all, she saw that he believed her.
And that was the most important thing.
A small smile appeared on her lips.
"Instead, it's you who came back to me," she murmured.
Bellamy smiled, too, his thumb tenderly stroking the back of her hand. He was beautiful.
"I'm glad I did," he confessed, shyly.
Clarke's heart seemed to grow inside of her chest, a pleasant warmth invading her body. His words sounded like those of a lover, who only had eyes for her.
If only it was as simple as that.
He leaned in, his eyes on her lips, and for a second the memory of their kiss flashed out in her head. His touch, his taste, his body.
But she also remembered the betrayal, the anger he felt after it happened. But the Bellamy she had in front of her didn't recall any of this.
She put a hand on his chest, stopping him.
"I hope you won't regret it," she said, knowing he would someday.
~oOo~
Bellamy went back to his apartment much later.
Clarke and he had stayed on that bench for hours, not speaking a single word, lost in their own thoughts, even if Bellamy could only think of her.
They locked eyes a few times, but she would look the other way. Though their hands remained joined all along. Feeling her beside him reassured him more than anything that could be said and done.
He believed her. Maybe that was a stupid choice, but he did. Because he saw the same pain he felt in her eyes. He recognized the honesty in her voice when she told him about the time they met. He remembered her perfectly, the shock of her face, the sun in her eyes, her short blond hair. Everything she'd told him made sense. Jasper did come up with this fake name, It wasn't Clarke. And the more he thought about it, the more it was becoming clear to him that the real question wasn't about her lying or not. It was about why she felt like had to.
She was afraid of Miller and Octavia, or what they knew.
So what were they holding against her?
As he reached the floor of his apartment, Bellamy looked up, seeing someone move out of the corner of his eye.
He stopped abruptly.
"O'? What are doing here?" he asked, unable to hide his surprise.
He didn't expect his sister to show up on his doorstep out of nowhere. Alone.
She turned towards him and crossed her arms. She seemed exhausted, her belly still swollen from her recent pregnancy, but also determined. For what? He probably was about to find out.
"Hi," she said, not sounding particularly happy to see him.
Bellamy frowned.
This could only mean one thing.
He sighed, then walked past her to the door of his apartment. Octavia remained silent, but he could feel the tension coming from her. He knew her by heart.
No matter how overwhelmed and tired she felt, if she had something to say to his face she would. He already had a clear idea of what he could be.
"Come in," he invited her, after unlocking the door.
She nodded, and even if she was trying her best not to show how irritated she was feeling, Bellamy immediately saw it. She stood there for a few seconds, just staring at him, her lips pursed. Then she silently walked in, barely touching him on the way.
He immediately followed, closing the door behind him.
"Do you want something to drink?" he asked, just in case she wanted to pretend everything was fine before exploding.
"We need to talk."
No pretending, then.
Bellamy heavily sighed and leaned against the wall beside him.
He was going to hate this.
"You talked to Miller," he stated, because obviously she had, and that was the reason why she'd come by.
"Yes," she replied, coldly.
Bellamy didn't have to say anything, he just had to wait. It was just a matter of seconds before his little sister lashed out at him.
She paced in front of him, then frowned, then finally uncrossed her arms and opened her mouth.
"How long were you going to hide this from me?" she snapped.
Bellamy was speechless.
"How lo- are you serious?"
"Don't fucking play innocent with me, Bell!" she shouted.
"And you? How long did you hide this from me? You and Miller are the same!" he yelled, taking a step towards her.
He immediately regretted yelling at her. He didn't want this argument to happen.
"Well, maybe we did this to protect you, but you never thought about that, right?" she replied, furious.
Bellamy clenched his fists, not only frustrated at her, and his friends, and literally everyone, but also at himself for not remembering. Things would so much easier if he did.
His friends, his sister, wouldn't have lied to him. Maybe Clarke would've stayed by his side.
"But why?" he asked, desperate. "Why did you want to protect me?"
Octavia hesitated, gritting her teeth.
"She's not good for you."
"Again, why?"
How could someone so kind, so broken, so beautiful be the source of so much hate and pain? He never felt so alive in the last three years than he did when he was with Clarke. She made him happy, she made him feel like he had a reason to exist.
"BECAUSE SHE RUINS EVERYTHING SHE TOUCHES!" Octavia shouted. "She ruined you, she ruined your relationship with Gina and she ruined Gina's life! Gina would still be alive and if only you'd never met that bitch!"
"Don't call her that!" he thundered immediately.
Octavia froze, her whole attention suddenly focused on his face. Then, slowly, a mean smile appeared on her lips.
"Oh no. No, no," she cackled. "Don't tell me you love her?"
She walked to him, standing just a few inches away from him, her green eyes looking straight into his. Bellamy wouldn't deny it.
His silence said it all.
Octavia shook her head, as if disappointed.
"Do you at least know what she did?" she asked, coldly.
Then again, Bellamy's silence said it all.
No, he didn't know anything. And he hated that.
"That's what I thought," she hissed.
She turned his back on him, pacing in the room, her hands on her hips. Bellamy's heart was beating fast in his chest. He'd been dreading this argument with his sister. Nothing could've completely prepared him to it. He knew that, once she was gone, he would be heartbroken.
"I defended you a lot, you know?" his sister told him. "I believed it wasn't your fault. I still do. But whenever she's near, she changes you."
Bellamy crossed his arms.
"I don't understand what you mean," he said, and it was the truth.
"You weren't the same. With Gina… I never thought you would be capable of that. I still wonder how she did it. How she made you…"
"Octavia."
He tried to reach her, but she backed away. It hurt.
"What is it? What do you mean…?" he asked, again.
"You loved Gina. And yet."
She took a long breath, closing her eyes.
"You broke her heart. Because of her. Of… Clarke," she said, spitting her name out.
Bellamy froze. His heart seemed to drop in his chest.
Oh.
"You… Did I… Did I cheat on her? On Gina?"
That would explain so much.
Both Octavia and Miller cared about Gina a lot.
Clarke was ashamed of what she had done. She avoided his touch, his eyes… his lips. She barely talked about Gina, even though she was his girlfriend at the time.
Bellamy was an idiot.
And yet. He couldn't believe he would do such a thing.
He wouldn't lie to Gina. He loved her, truly. He wouldn't break her heart… like this.
Was he capable of that?
Were they capable of that?
Octavia wouldn't say anything for a while, but he wouldn't get his eyes off her. She said too much, or not enough. He needed more.
"Listen," she finally said. "The past is the past. Whatever happened, I know you had regrets, Bell. You're a good person. You didn't want to do this to Gina. But she… argh! Fuck."
Octavia sighed.
"I told you. She ruins things. That's what she does," she concluded.
Bellamy's world was upside down.
Could Clarke be that manipulative? But it didn't make sense. She wouldn't have avoided him if she didn't feel any remorse about what she did.
But if Octavia threatened her… After all, Clarke lied about her name so she couldn't be found.
No. It couldn't be. She wasn't that person.
She was kind.
And he loved her.
Love is blind, so they say.
Maybe he was blind. Maybe he was just now starting to see it all clear.
19/02/2016
Clarke didn't expect him to show up on her doorstep so soon after their argument. Even though everything was going fine between them again, she still had a feeling Bellamy was avoiding her. She'd asked him if he wanted to pass by the workshop the previous day, and he had refused. 'I just got a lot of work to do' he texted her, which she knew was bullshit. Bellamy always found the time to write, just as she did to paint.
That, and the fact than he didn't warn he was coming, were the reasons why she couldn't hide her surprise when she opened the door.
"Bellamy!" she said, a huge smile on her lips. "Hi!"
She was so happy and relieved to see him. He wasn't completely avoiding her, after all. Maybe things could go back to the way they were.
"Hi," he said, shyly.
He was only half smiling, his hands in his pockets, his eyes going from her face to the ground every two-seconds. She frowned.
"Is everything okay?" she asked.
He shrugged, raising one of his hands to play nervously with his hair.
"Yeah, yeah. I just, uh…"
He bit his lip, looked at her, then behind her, then at her again. Finally, his gaze remained on her face, with an expression she couldn't quite describe.
He took a step towards her.
He opened his mouth, hesitating, then sighed and said quietly:
"Gina's coming back tomorrow."
Clarke froze.
So soon.
With everything going on between them, she had completely forgotten about that. Gina was gone for so long, it almost felt like she wasn't a part of Bellamy's life anymore. But Clarke was.
Until then.
She knew it was always going to end. She knew Bellamy wasn't going to spend entire afternoons and weekends with her anymore. She knew he would rather be with his girlfriend, as he should, and Clarke shouldn't feel so damn heartbroken because of that.
Gina had been by his side for years, whereas Clarke… only a few months.
It didn't mean anything.
"Oh," she said, because what else she could say? "Of course. Finally."
'Why?' she was actually thinking. 'Why did she had to come back?'
She closed her eyes, chasing the negatives thoughts invading her mind.
"Yeah," Bellamy replied.
He seemed upset, as if he couldn't get his mind off something but couldn't bring himself to act on it. She watched him hesitate a few times, sometimes opening his mouth then closing it, other times leaning towards her then backing away.
Clarke was feeling lost, incapable of guessing what was going on in his head. Why even come, if only to remind her that his girlfriend, who she met only twice, was back into his life? She didn't need that. A text would've been enough.
"Bellamy…" she started. "Just tell me, what is it."
If he was about to tell her that he didn't plan on seeing her again, the best was for him to say it and fast. It would hurt like hell, but it wouldn't be a shock. Clarke had tried to kiss him. Maybe he thought he could forgive her, but then understood he was wrong.
Bellamy clenched his jaw, then sighed.
He took a step towards her, coming in. She stepped back, and he closed the door behind him, his eyes still on her.
The atmosphere shifted within a second.
Her heart missed a beat.
He took another step towards her. And another. She remained still.
Only a few inches were separating their body. Clarke's heart was beating fast in her chest. His stare was so intense, she could feel her skin warming up.
"Bell," she whispered.
It was just like last time. The tension, the proximity, the looks, the desire.
She wanted to kiss him so bad.
But she wouldn't. Not after what happened.
But the way he looked at her…
If he kissed her, she wouldn't be able to stop him. She would give herself to him, desperately, passionately, and then hate herself after that.
She wanted this so much. And she hated that she wanted this.
He got even closer, their body touching. She could feel the warmth of his breath of her cheeks. Her heart was about to explode. Her eyes were focused on his lips.
Do it, her heart wanted to tell him. Don't, her mind wanted to say.
His chest was moving fast, just like hers.
And then, just when she thought she couldn't handle this anymore, he put an arm around her waist, another around her shoulder, and buried his face into her hair.
Clarke froze, her eyes widening. She remained like this for a few seconds, realizing what was happening.
He wasn't kissing her. He was holding her in his arms, as if she was his anchor, his reason to live. At least, that's how it felt.
She joined her hands behind his back, closing her eyes, nosing his chest. She felt him breathe in and out, his lips so close to the skin of her shoulder.
It felt so good.
She decided that if she had to die then, it would be the most beautiful death she could've imagined. Being in his arms, holding her so strongly, already felt like heaven.
"Just… stay," he murmured. "Don't move."
Clarke felt her entire body warming up, out of love and tenderness for this man, who wasn't hers.
"I'm not going anywhere," she whispered, and they remained like that, holding on to each other, for what seemed to be seconds and hours at the same time.
