CHAPTER 24 : Sorry
20/04/2016
Monday : 10:32 AM
'I'm truly sorry for what happened. It's my fault, I was being stupid.'
Monday : 2:21 PM
'Please, don't hate me for this. I'm truly sorry.'
Monday : 3:07 PM
'Come on, Bellamy. You won't answer my calls, and I know you're reading my texts. Don't act like I don't exist anymore, I'm begging you.'
Monday : 7:18 PM
'You know you're going to have to face me one day. We need to talk about this, as adults.'
Tuesday : 8:14 AM
'Still no answers? Fine.'
Tuesday : 4:22 PM
'Oh fuck! If you want me to leave you alone then you're going to have to ask for it.'
Tuesday : 5:59 PM
'I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't harass you like this. But I can't stop thinking about that day, and I know it's the same for you. I just need to talk about it once and for all.'
Tuesday : 9:37 PM
'Are you scared I'll tell Gina? 'Cause I won't. It was a stupid mistake.'
Wednesday : 9:51 AM
'It can't end like this. I can't accept it.'
Wednesday : 11:35 AM
'I know we can't be friends anymore. But is a proper goodbye too much to ask?'
Wednesday : 12:40 AM
'Just answer me. Please.'
"Hey, Clarke!"
Clarke startled, looking up from her phone in her hands.
Four pairs of eyes were focused on her face, expecting her to do something. She realized that the fourth person waiting for her was a waiter, and that she was supposed to tell him what she wished to eat.
"Oops, sorry."
Clarke took a quick look at the menu and ordered the first thing she saw. A hamburger. The waiter left, but the other three pairs of eyes were still staring intently at her. Clarke scowled at her three friends.
"What?"
Harper answered first.
"You seem to have a lot on your mind, recently."
Jasper, seated right in front of Clarke, nodded vehemently. Monty frowned.
"Oh," Clarke only answered. "Sorry."
"No, it's fine," Monty reassured her. "We're just wondering what's happening."
Clarke felt a lump in her throat, but shrugged, trying to look unbothered.
"Nothing. I'm fine."
"Sure," Jasper snorted.
Seeing her friends weren't buying it, Clarke sighed. She picked up her bag and pretended she was looking for something to avoid their gazes.
"So how was your weekend?" she asked them, obviously changing the subject. "I hope your hangover wasn't so bad…"
"Clarke."
Harper put a hand on hers.
"You know we would never judge you, whatever happens, right?" she smiled encouragingly.
Clarke gulped.
Whatever happens.
Would they be on her side, even for this? Even for kissing a guy who didn't belong with her? Not because she believed he didn't, but because he'd chosen someone else over her?
Even if she'd fallen in love with him, knowing very well he already had a girlfriend? Even if she was too selfish to let him go?
She looked down, because it was too hard to stare at them when the shame was invading her entire body.
"Clarke," Monty said, quietly. "You don't have to carry the weight of the world all by yourself. We can help you. Just talk to us."
Clarke bit her lip, fighting back the tears blinding her vision. She wouldn't cry. She refused to cry.
"I don't think you can help me. Nobody can." she said after a few seconds, when she was certain her voice wouldn't break.
"Try," Jasper insisted.
Clarke hesitated.
Her head was buzzing as she tried to think clearly, she remained silent for so long, that the waiters had the time to come back with their plates. She didn't have the courage to raise her gaze to thank him, because it felt as if even he could see she was terrible person. It was stupid, she knew that. He didn't know her. But still.
Once he was gone, someone cleared their throat loudly. Probably Jasper. Harper still had her hand on hers, and Clarke was very aware of their eyes remaining on her face.
She took a deep breath.
"I… uh…" she started.
It was hard to find the words.
She didn't even know where to start.
Should she talk about how it all started? How she and Bellamy became friends? How and why she fell in love with him?
But she had a feeling none of this would be a surprise to them. They probably guessed it all a long time ago.
She could see it in the way Monty stared intently at her. In the way Harper checked on her every day. In the way Jasper was always trying to make her laugh.
"I did…" she started again, then sighed because it was so damn difficult.
She frowned, thinking. She had to do this differently.
An idea emerged in her head.
"Okay, so let's say… there's this girl."
Clarke finally locked eyes with her friends', hoping they would play along, pretending they didn't know who she was talking about.
They only seemed confused.
"Let's call her… Cassie," Clarke continued anyway. "One day, she meets this guy called… uh… Brian."
Jasper burst out laughing.
"Brian? What the fuck are y-" he stopped abruptly when Harper cast a murderous look at him. "Oh. Sorry."
Harper focused her attention on Clarke, a warm smile suddenly appearing on her lips.
"Keep going," she encouraged Clarke.
Clarke started playing with her hands.
"So, you know, Cassie and Brian don't really get along at first. But then they become really good friends. Like, they spend almost every day together."
Her friends seemed to understand what she was doing. They all nodded at once, hanging on her every word.
"And uh… Maybe she ends up… caring for him a lot. Having feelings for him. Hypothetically of course."
"Of course," Harper repeated very seriously.
"The thing is…" Clarke hesitated. "Brian… already has a girlfriend."
"Oh," Jasper said, as if this information genuinely surprised him. "That sucks."
"Yeah," Clarke snorted, half-smiling. "Anyway, Cassie knew all along he had a girlfriend. But… she couldn't help it. It was just so easy to love him…"
Clarke winced. It was getting too personal, even with this stupid game. She felt both ridiculous and shameful.
"Cassie didn't want to ruin this relationship. But, ugh! Gin… I mean, his girlfriend… Gemma, she was just… gone. For a very long time. And it didn't seem like Brian was very happy with the situation and…"
Clarke stopped, closing her eyes.
She was close to just tell them everything.
But she didn't want to.
They only needed to know the most important part of the story. The part that hurt.
"What if…" she sighed. "What if he didn't chose her? What if she knew she should step back, and let him be with the woman he loved? But what if instead…"
She took her head in her hands.
"What if she ruined everything, because she kissed him anyway?"
Her friends were dead silent around her.
Clarke felt the whole widening in her chest, as the weight of the shame was crushing her, making it difficult for her to breathe.
They lied. They would judge her for this. Who wouldn't? She was the bitch of the story. She didn't deserve their sympathy. Soon they would be gone, leaving her behind like they all eventually did. Like he did.
So much time passed before one of them talked, that Clarke wondered if she just didn't hear them leave.
"So…" someone said – Clarke recognized Monty's voice – "Is there a possibility Brian… hypothetically… might feel the same for Cassie?"
Clarke frowned.
The question made her pause. She didn't expect it.
"I… I don't know. I think. Maybe…?" she stuttered, still hidden behind her hands.
"Hmm."
A delicate hand rubbed Clarke's back.
"And how does Brian handle the situation?" Harper asked calmly.
There was no judgement in her voice, only concern. Clarke relaxed a little.
"He doesn't want to talk to Cassie anymore," Clarke murmured, loud enough for them to hear.
Someone grunted.
"Brian's an asshole!" Jasper exclaimed. "Cassie deserves much better."
"Yeah but I… She's the one who kissed him. He made a decision, and she didn't respect it," Clarke replied, sounding defeated.
"Brian's also responsible. He should've known this whole thing wouldn't end well," Harper countered.
Clarke sighed. She didn't feel any better.
Actually, she felt more heartbroken than ever.
"Clarke, you're only human. You made a mistake, but so did he," Monty explained, his voice soothing her. "It doesn't make you a monster."
Clarke pursed her lip, feeling a lump in her throat.
"Doesn't it?"
"No, it only shows you're imperfect. We all are," Monty insisted.
"Yeah. You can be a pain in the ass, but we still love you," Jasper added.
Clarke tried to smile, but it only brought tears to her eyes. Harper put an arm around her shoulders.
"You two need to have a real discussion, once and for all," the blond told her, firmly.
"He won't talk to me."
"Make him, then. He can't avoid you forever."
Clarke sighed.
Maybe they were right.
Maybe it was the right thing to do.
They couldn't live like this. They had to face their issues, no matter the consequences.
"We'll be by your side. Always," Jasper reassured her. "And I love you, but can we eat? It's already cold."
Clarke smiled, the first real smiled in days.
23/04/2016
"Ugh! Come on, Clarke!" she groaned.
She'd been trying to find the courage to get out of the car for about half an hour, but her legs seemed frozen. She was such a coward.
She didn't come all this way do to nothing. She'd been preparing for this for three days.
"You can do this;" she murmured to herself. "You have to do this."
She needed to talk to him, and since he refused to answer her texts and her calls, he left her no choice but to show up at his apartment.
She had a plan, obviously, but she was trying not to think about it much because there was a 60% chance it wouldn't work out. She was mostly betting on the fact that it was Saturday night, which meant Gina was probably singing in a bar somewhere. If she wasn't, though, Clarke would have to face her and Bellamy. Needless to say, that was the worst case scenario.
Bellamy could also be absent. Or he could pretend he's not here.
Either way, Clarke had to try.
She took a long, long breath.
"Fuck."
Before she could hesitate one more time, she opened the door of her car and got out hastily. She slammed the door behind her with force, as if to convince herself she was determined to finish what she started. Getting inside the building ended up being the easiest part, as she only had to wait for a few minutes before someone came out and held the door for her. She took her time, deciding to climb the stairs instead of getting in the elevator. But after that, came the hardest part.
The final boss, aka knocking at the door.
Her hands were sweaty.
She was practically sure she could hear voices behind the door, which meant someone was there. It could be the TV. Her heart was beating so fast, she almost felt sick.
"Come on, come on, come on…" she whispered.
She closed her eyes and knocked.
She immediately wanted to run away.
"Fuck," she swore.
What was she doing?
She could hear someone move, their steps getting closer. Her mind imagined the worst… : Gina.
The door opened.
"Oh," she only said.
Clarke was stunned.
She remained still, wide-eyed, staring at this woman she didn't know but seemed familiar. Did she get the wrong address? But no, she was certain she was at the right place.
The black-haired woman stared intently at her, surprised too. Her eyes, who seemed welcoming a second ago, suddenly narrowed.
Something in her expression – Clarke couldn't pinpoint what exactly – reminded her of someone she knew all too well.
Suddenly, everything clicked into place.
The brunette spoke first.
"You must be Clarke," she snapped, and the tone of voice was so venomous Clarke had chills all the way down her spine.
She never met her before, yet she seemed to despise her.
"You must be Octavia," Clarke replied, because she didn't know what else to say.
Octavia crossed her arms, her piercing green eyes analyzing Clarke, looking her up and down. The more seconds that passed, the more Clarke was losing her confidence.
"Where's Bellamy?" she asked, controlling her voice.
Clarke slightly raised her head and straightened her shoulders, hoping she looked more determined than she actually was. She felt threatened by the brunette, and she didn't like it.
"That's none of your business," Octavia immediately replied, coldly.
Clarke swallowed with difficulty.
She wouldn't let go.
"I need to talk to him."
"No, you don't," Octavia took a step closer. "What you need to do is get a fucking life and leave my family alone."
Clarke clenched her fists, anger slowly making its way to her heart. Octavia didn't know her and she didn't have the right to treat her like this.
"I will if you let me talk to him," Clarke insisted.
Octavia greeted her teeth together.
"Now, listen;" she hissed. "I don't know what game you're playing, Clarke" – she spat her name – "but it's over. You lost. Gina's like a sister to me, and if you hurt her and Bellamy again, I will make you pay for it. Do you understand?"
Clarke was breathing heavily, conflicted between the anger and the pain Octavia's words had provoked in her.
Before she could respond, Octavia continued, "You're a smart girl, I'm sure. Don't do anything stupid, or you'll regret it."
Clarke's whole body was frozen with shock and rage. She couldn't believe what just happened. None of her imaginary scenarios had prepared her for this.
She wanted to snap back, to defend herself.
But before she could even open her mouth, Octavia slapped the door in her face.
30/04/2016
"Hello?" Clarke answered.
"Hi, how're you doing?" Monty asked her on the other end of the phone.
"Hm, fine," Clarke shrugged.
She didn't feel fine, of course she didn't. Monty knew that. Clarke knew that he knew that. But what could she say? 'No, I'm a fucking mess. My whole body hurts and sometimes it feels like I'm gonna die.'? Nobody wants to hear that.
"Just fine or fine fine?" Monty insisted.
Meaning: did you cry in bed all day or did you manage to get on your feet?
Clarke hesitated.
"Fine fine."
It was a mixture of both, really. But at least it reassured Monty.
Ever since her encounter with Octavia, things had only gotten worse. Bellamy still didn't answer her. She didn't even know if Octavia told him about her showing up. Maybe he did know, but he just didn't care.
"Good," Monty replied.
Clarke waited, but her friend didn't add anything else. She muted the sound of her TV.
"That's it? You were just checking on me?"
"Well, yeah but…" Monty hesitated.
"What is it?" Clarke frowned.
When Monty hesitated to tell Clarke about something, it couldn't mean anything good. Clarke's heart missed a bit, dreading what was about to come.
"It's just… I guess you're not coming tomorrow?"
Clarke thought for a few seconds, searching in her memory for an event she might have forgotten. She didn't find anything.
"Uh… what's going on tomorrow?"
A pause.
"So, you don't know." Monty sighed.
"Don't know what?"
"About the party."
"What party? Monty, what are you talking about?" Clarke insisted, anxious.
"It's uh… It's at Bellamy's."
"Oh."
Well, that explained why she wasn't invited. Clarke tried to ignore the pain torturing her heart. Even hearing his name was hurting her.
"Why are you telling me this?" she winced.
She wished she didn't know this at all. If he called her to rub it in, then he shouldn't have called at all.
"Because… they're doing it for a reason."
"What do you mean?" Clarke trembled.
She was starting to lose patience.
Monty sighed, again.
Fuck.
What was going on?
"Bellamy and Gina organized this party for… a special occasion. I thought maybe you were already aware, but apparently you're— "
"Monty! Just spit it out already!"
"They're leaving," Monty said hastily.
Clarke froze.
"They're… But where? When?"
It took Monty forever to reply.
Clarke felt like someone was tearing her heart from her chest to throw it in the fire.
"Gina found a job in England," he finally murmured.
Clarke couldn't breathe.
"He's going with her, Clarke. This is a goodbye party. I'm so sorry."
16/03/2019
Bellamy was trying not to sleep.
Or, at least, to sleep as little as possible.
He was pretty good at distracting himself during the day, to avoid thinking about… anything. Anyone. He could only count on himself. He'd lost his friends, his sister on his way to the truth. He'd lost her, too.
This one hurt a lot.
He rejected the image of her face emerging in his mind. If he imagined her, then he would remember everything that happened between them, he would remember how it felt to lose her, and it would kill him.
But he couldn't escape the longing feeling of emptiness in his chest.
He paid a high price to know the truth, and he didn't even get it in the end.
It was something he managed to forget every few minutes during the day, when he'd forced himself to watch a movie, to play a game, to cook, to clean up his apartment for the eleventh time. But at night, when he laid in his bed with nothing left to do but close his eyes, his thoughts wandered to the painful land of memories.
Which made of sleep his number one enemy.
However, as much as he was fighting against himself, Bellamy couldn't always stay awake. And so, he found himself dozing off in the middle of the afternoon, struggling to focus on the brand new documentary he'd started on Netflix.
But he wasn't resting.
Instead, his sleep was full of unpleasant, blurry dreams.
Except one.
It started just like the other times.
"Bellamy."
It was the same familiar voice, and he knew instantly who it was.
"Gina" he said.
Everything was blurred, but it was getting clearer and clearer. Just like the other times, he was seated in the passenger seat of the car. It was dark outside.
"Bellamy," she repeated.
He focused his eyes on her, and his heart missed a beat. He could see her face so clearly, it was as if she was really there with him. He could almost touch her.
He realized, with a shock, that this sight wasn't scaring him anymore. He suddenly felt very calm.
Gina half smiled, like she knew. But her eyes were wet, as if she'd been crying. He'd never noticed that before.
He wanted to ask her so many things.
Instead, he only pronounced two words.
"Tell me."
For so long, she'd been trying to make him listen.
At last, he was ready.
A tear fell down her cheek, but when she talked to him, it was as if she was freeing the both of them.
He listened carefully. Her words were so clear in his head that he understood, with absolute certainty, that she'd said them before.
Gina wasn't coming back to haunt his dreams, to punish him, to remind him that she was still there, somewhere.
It was his subconscious trying to send him a message. A message he knew all this time but couldn't remember.
He waited for the other car to come, crashing into them.
It never came.
When she was done, Gina smiled at him. It was a real, happy smile. Her eyes were soft.
Bellamy opened his eyes.
He knew what he had to do.
~oOo~
Clarke wandered a long time in the cemetery before she found it.
The sight of it left her breathless, and it took a few seconds to calm herself.
She sat down, her body shaking. She noticed someone had recently brought flowers. Her heart broke.
It was the first time shed gone to Gina's grave.
Shame and guilt had always kept her from going. The idea of seeing her name written on that cold stone was more frightening than telling Bellamy the truth. It was right in front of her now, and the feeling in her chest couldn't be described. There was just too much.
GINA MARTIN
Shame, sadness, anger, pain.
No matter what happened, a part of her would always feel responsible of Gina's death. Without Clarke, Gina would still be alive. She would be in Europe, singing in her bar, a smile on her face. She would've been happy and free. She would've lived.
But she was dead, and Clarke was still here. She'd spent the past 3 years telling herself that it should've been her name written on the gravestone. That she didn't deserve happiness or peace.
Now, seated on the ground, all by herself, Clarke wondered what brought her there. What was she looking for? Forgiveness? Maybe. Probably. Afterall, it didn't matter. Clarke was only talking to herself.
Clarke needed to be there, even if it felt like a slap to her face each time her eyes landed on that cold stone. She needed to do this, to talk to Gina. Like she should've done before it was too late. If she had been fully honest with her from the beginning, maybe none of this would've happened. Unfortunately, Clarke couldn't change the past, but she could try to make her peace with it.
"Hi, Gina," she whispered, her voice shaking.
Saying her name, as she sat in front of her grave, was one of the hardest things Clarke had ever done in her life. It impacted her so much that she didn't know what else to say for a while. She felt the usual heavy burden in her chest taking up more and more room inside of her.
"I'm probably the last person you'd want to see. If you can see me, somewhere."
Because yeah, Clarke was probably speaking to no one but herself. It didn't matter much, she was doing it for herself in the first place. Yet, Clarke liked the idea of Gina hearing her. As if there was still a way for them to make peace, even with one of them gone.
"I have so much to say, I just don't know where to begin," Clarke continued. "I want to tell you about how much I hated myself after you died, and I still do. I want to tell you my life's been a hell ever since that day. I want to tell you that your face haunted my dreams for so long that I was scared to sleep. I want to tell you that even after everything, I'm still in love with Bellamy, and I despise myself for it. But most of all, I want to tell that I'm so, so fucking sorry," her voice broke.
Tears invaded her eyes, and soon they were sliding down her cheeks.
"God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You have no idea how much I would give to… You didn't deserve…" she sobbed.
Her entire body was shaking as she struggled to breathe. She felt so much pain and guilt her stomach hurt, but her sobs were freeing her from all the thoughts and emotions she'd kept to herself all these years. She'd been hiding from Bellamy for so long, when in reality, she was hiding from Gina's ghost and the reality of her death.
It was hitting her, leaving her breathless. But somewhere, inside of her, she could feel relief slowly blooming, taking off the weights on her shoulders.
She cried for a very long time before she was able to regain control of herself. It was slow, but at some point, her chest stopped hurting so much it was unbearable, and her tears stopped falling. Her breathing evened out. She felt completely drained of any energy, but she forced herself to look at the grave, focusing on the letters.
"I don't know if you would've forgiven me," she said, her voice hoarse. "But I have to forgive myself. I'm so exhausted. I need this. I need to be in peace. I've had enough. And…"
Clarke stopped, closing her eyes. It was so fucking hard.
"I've lost him again. I was always meant to lose him. And yet, if he came back to me now…"
She clenched her fists as she felt the tears threatening to fall again.
"I wouldn't have the strength to leave him again," she whispered. "Because I need him, and I love him. I know I don't deserve any of this. But is it so terrible to hope for happiness? Don't I deserve a bit of that, too?"
She felt a tiny, little part of the weight she'd felt in her chest disappear. Breathing felt easier, even if it still hurt.
"I will always carry the guilt of your death. I will never be free of that. But, as long as I hate myself for what happened that night, I won't ever find peace. And I want to, so bad."
Clarke smiled. It was a sad smile, but still. It was… something. The beginning of something new. Something close to healing.
"I hope you're in peace, too," she concluded.
Clarke stood. Her legs felt weak, but she felt better. Not quite good, but better. The pain was still here, it would probably never go away, but it wasn't unbearable. She cast one last look at Gina's grave.
"Goodbye, Gina."
She regretted not bringing any flowers, but weirdly, it didn't feel right. Maybe next time.
She turned away and walked out of the cemetery, wiping the last tears off her cheeks. She took a deep breath, held it for a second, then let it out.
She was free.
~oOo~
Clarke was surprised by the number of missed calls she had when she turned her phone back on, but she ignored them when she saw they were from Raven. She was probably worried Clarke wasn't back yet. She would call her back once she was in the Uber, but for now she needed a break.
Fifteen minutes later, her phone was buzzing in her pocket. Clarke sighed. It was Raven, again.
She spotted the Uber coming in her direction at the very moment she picked up the phone.
"I'm on my way," Clarke immediately said, hoping she didn't sound too exhausted.
She didn't want Raven to worry.
"What took you so fucking long?" Raven barked in response, startling Clarke.
"Uh… Just wait for a minute."
Clarke got into the car, putting down her phone on the seat beside her, ignoring the shouting coming from Raven.
"Hi."
"Hi. So where do I take you?"
It was only once Clarke gave the driver the address that she noticed the song on the radio. She was about to pick the phone back up, but it made her pause.
"…tears come streaming down your face.
'Cause you lose something you can't replace."
Clarke's heart missed a bit.
"When you love someone but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse?"
Gina, she thought as she remembered. That time, at the bar. It was the song she was singing. Clarke remembered the impact these lyrics had on her. This time, though, she listened to the rest of the song more carefully.
"Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you."
'You can't fix someone. You just gotta accept them the way they are. Sometimes it's not enough.' Clarke had said.
"But high up above or down below,
When you're too in love to let it go.
But if you never try you'll never know,
Just what you're worth."
'Well, I think it's hopeful.' Gina had replied. 'Cause even when everything seems lost, there's always a way. As long as you keep trying.'
Clarke leaned back in her seat.
Was the universe sending her a sign?
It was probably a happy coincidence. Maybe it didn't mean anything at all. But maybe it did.
Clarke shook her head, a small smile on her lips.
She picked up the phone.
"Sorry. I'm in the Uber, I-" she started.
"What the fuck, Clarke! Do you know how many times I tried to call you? Why did you turn your phone off?" her friend was yelling at her.
"Wow! Again, I'm sorry. There's nothing to worry about, I'll be here soon!" Clarke exclaimed, shocked.
What was wrong with Raven? She knew where Clarke was spending her afternoon, and that she would be busy.
"Worry? I'm not worried, Clarke, I'm furious!"
"Calm down! What is going on?" Clarke frowned.
"He came here! And you wouldn't answer your fucking phone!" Raven shouted.
Clarke froze.
"What?"
"Yeah, you heard me. Your Bellamy came by, and he fucking lost it!"
Clarke absently checked her phone to see if he tried to call her, too.
"Fuck," she whispered.
He called her six times.
Clarke clenched her jaw.
He must've been so angry at her he wanted to confront her. That was the only logical explanation.
"Is he still here?" Clarke asked, panicked.
"No, he left like, ten minutes ago or something."
"But… What happened?"
Raven heavily sighed.
"You should've seen him, Clarke. He was almost… frantic. He said he had to see you, that it was important. He insisted…"
Clarke was speechless.
"And how…? I mean, what did he say? Why…?" she stuttered, ignoring the weird look the driver cast towards her.
"He said he had to know what happened that night. He was so stressed out, and we couldn't reach you… Then we started arguing and…Clarke, you have to understand…" Raven's voice trailed off, suddenly tense.
Clarke waited, her heart beating so fast her body was shaking.
"What? What happened?"
"I'm sorry, Clarke."
"What?" Clarke demanded.
"We waited for hours. He was so insistent… I couldn't hold it in any longer."
No.
It couldn't be happening.
Clarke was hallucinating.
No. She wouldn't accept it.
"What have you done?" Clarke managed to ask, her voice almost her murmur.
"I told him what happened," Raven replied, sounding sorry.
Clarke's head was spinning.
She couldn't think, couldn't breathe.
"What did you tell him, exactly?" she trembled, even though she already knew the answer.
Raven took a few seconds to reply.
"Everything."
