The crisp air soon became heavy with moisture, and the grass crystalized in ice and snow as our landscape turned from green to brown to white. In my law courses, nothing much changed. We stayed inside, we read books, we commented on reference cases. Photography classes were always the ones I looked forward to, not only because they were fun, but also because I got to see Eren. Whenever we were allowed to pick our partners. Eren and I always paired up, which was alright because that allowed Marco and Armin to cultivate their friendship too.
Eren was always on my mind. When we were apart, which already wasn't that much of a time, all I could think about was counting the hours until we could be together again. We were constantly texting, snapchatting, emailing, instagram DMing, facebooking, or otherwise communicating with each other. On tumblr, we had already announced our relationship by posting the kissing picture that Marco and Armin took on that fateful day and opened up our asks to questions about us an things like that. A lot of people were really supportive, which was really nice. Our friends were also super nice about it, though we both knew that everyone was really surprised about us not trying to tear each other's heads off.
Sasha Braus, who had been in a very long-term relationship with Connie Springer, suggested us all go ice skating because all of us were in relationships, though Sasha and Connie were the only straight couple (one might call them the token straight people in our group of friends). Mikasa Ackerman, Eren's adoptive sister, agreed to bring her girlfriend, Annie Leonhart. I, personally, don't really understand their relationship because they're both really intense and dominant so they always seem to be in the middle of a power struggle to me, but I'm told they actually do have a rather loving relationship behind closed doors. Ymir was definitely up for an opportunity to show off her adorable girlfriend, Historia Reiss (though we all called her Christa because she likes her middle name better). Reiner and Bertolt were up for a good time with friends; they always liked to hang out with us and were pretty much up for anything. Armin and Marco shrugged and said they'd go together on a date because why not? Of course, Eren and I were assumed to be going because the whole affair was supposed to be honoring our six months of being together. The only issue was that I had no clue about how to ice skate. I'd never done it before and I was so embarrassed about it. I only mentioned it to Eren after we got home.
"Eren…," I began shakily.
"Yeah, babe?" he replied as he collected dirty laundry in the basket nonchalantly.
"I can't ice skate."
"I'm sure you're better at it than you think. It's like riding a bike – you never forget how to do it."
"But I've never ice skated before."
"Well that's fine. You'll do alright, starlight."
"You're such a fucking loser. Rhyming like that is so hetero."
"YOU'RE so hetero."
"No. You're hetero. I thought you were straight when I met you."
"Fuck you," he shouted playfully across the apartment. When he emerged from behind the wall, I saw that he was carrying the laundry basket against his hip and I couldn't help but to laugh loudly and obnoxiously, which made Eren screw his face up in confusion.
"What's so funny?"
Struggling to speak through my laughter, I managed, "You're…a…wife!"
"I AM NOT A WIFE! YOU'RE THE WIFE!"
"Look…in…the…mirror!" I screamed in between short spurts of uncontrollable laughter.
"We'll never speak of this again," he muttered defeated.
"Yep. Because that worked out so well last time!" I quipped, pecking him on the cheek before setting about to do my homework.
The ice skating rink was fucking freezing! Eren seemed really happy despite the chill, and even Annie and Mikasa were smiling. Thoroughly weirded out, I gravitated toward the vending machine while everyone rented their skates because I already had mine and also because I felt more out of place with them than ever before. As I lingered in the corner, probably looking stupid, Christa approached, expression vaguely contented, but also incredibly sad. That confused me, so I decided to stop thinking about it.
"What's on your mind?" she asked gently, staring at the rest of them with me.
"I'm just… I know everyone is here to have fun, but I don't want to make a fool of myself."
"That's the best part. See, when you're with the person you love, they won't judge you for not knowing what to do, but laugh and fall with you so you're in good company. Just go out there for ten minutes. That's all. If you want to leave after that, I'll leave with you so you don't feel alone. Deal?"
"Yeah. Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"Looks like everyone's got their skates on."
"Mhm. Y'might want Eren to help you get to the rink. Balance is a little tough at first. Just remember to trust yourself and you'll be fine."
I made eye contact with Eren and he laughed before coming over to help me. Christa's advice helped, but Eren's touch solidified it. I felt safe in his arms. I felt safe as he helped me onto the ice. I felt safe as he held my arm and waist to help me balance. I hardly noticed when he let go of my waist and just held my arm. When he let go of my arm, I sped ahead of him, finding a kinship in the ice and blades and gliding along. I figured out how to go backwards and gave my boyfriend a wide smile as he chased me around. We played like children, and the real children mocked us, but that didn't faze us. When it was time for everyone to go, Christa poked my arm and whispered in my ear.
"I told you."
I chuckled as we went our separate ways and when Eren and I got home, we had a good night despite the bruises on me from bumping into the walls a few times.
It was a normal, lazy Sunday morning. The sunlight trickled in through the blinds and I prepared my coffee. I pondered on that day at the ice rink at the beginning of winter, because by then spring had already sprung. I pondered on how, ever since that day at the rink, Armin and Marco had really hit it off. Five months had passed, and the pair seemed to be on track to get even closer. Eren and I were approaching our one-year anniversary and I continued to ponder. I pondered how fast time went. The harsh sound of a phone ringing interrupted my thoughts. I picked it up with a smile on my face as I spoke.
"Hello, this is the Jaeger- Kirstein residence!"
"Jean? This is Armin. Are you and Eren ready? Do you have plans for today?"
"Um, I don't think we do. We were just gonna maybe watch a movie. What's up, Armin? You're worrying me."
"Well, I think you two should come to the hospital. There's been a little accident."
My smile fell.
"What? Who? Are you okay?"
"I think it's best if I explain it all to you both here. Come to the surgical center at Santa Maria's Hospital and I'll meet you in the lobby."
"Okay. See you there."
I hung up and paced a bit, getting extremely nervous. Then I remembered that time was of the essence and ran into our bedroom. Jumping onto the bed, I shook Eren roughly.
"Wake up, Eren! Wake up!"
I received a dull moan in response, and a smile.
"I'm serious, Eren! Armin called. He said there's been an accident. We have to go to the hospital!"
He jolted up, eyes asking a billion questions. I shook my head to say that I didn't know anything and he raced out of bed. We both pulled on some jeans, T-shirts, and jackets because fashion was not our top priority. I chugged the rest of my coffee and we both headed out running, not even brushing our teeth in our rush. When we got to the lobby of the surgical center, we saw Armin in a disheveled state, ratty hair, sweaty odor, dark circles under the eyes. He really looked a mess, and that wasn't very encouraging.
"What happened?" we both asked.
"Marco was walking down the street yesterday, and a drunk driver hit him while driving really fast. The driver is with the police now, and Marco is in surgery."
I stared at the blond in shock for a long time before I began to cry, to sob uncontrollably. My knees buckled and I fell onto the ground and cried for what seemed like an eternity before Eren took me in his arms and picked me up off the floor.
"C'mon, Jean," he whispered, "let's be strong and have hope." I nodded half-heartedly and went with them to the elevator and we went to watch and wait for news of Marco's fate. After several hours more of waiting, a person in blue scrubs came out of the OR and approached us.
"Are you all here for Marco Bodt?"
"Yes," Eren answered, because he was the only one of the three of us who wasn't crying yet.
"During surgery, we had to put him into a coma because his pain was too great and we didn't want him to suffer a heart attack. He's recovering now, and we're moving him to the ICU. Is one of you Armin Arlert?"
Armin nodded slightly, looking up at the doctor.
"Mr. Bodt's lawyer called and said that he had to speak to you. I'll leave you the number."
"Thank you," Armin sniffed softly, taking the post-it with the phone number scrawled on it.
Armin took a bit of time to collect himself and then called the lawyer, and after a short conversation, hung up, seeming to be in a daze.
"What'd the attorney say?" I asked weakly.
"Marco has a living will. It says that, in the case of a coma, I have to decide whether or not to keep him on life support," he replied, sounding numb and hollow.
More months passed. At first, all of our friends took turns sitting vigil while some of us went home to shower, change clothes, or sleep. Eventually, though, it was back to just the three of us sitting outside his room as people left us. It was slowly at first, then all at once, sort of like how death is, I noticed. At first, it's just not being able to do some things, and the body gets weaker. But you're still there. There's still hope. Then, when death comes, that's it. That person is gone forever.
Marco's coma was sort of like him being half-dead and half-alive, but not in the way that a zombie is half-dead and half-alive. A zombie can still move and still act, but it lacks the self it once was. A comatose person is the opposite. The person has all of the self that was there before, but has no means of showing it. In many ways, I think that's even worse.
More months passed. The doctor asked Armin if he wanted to keep Marco on life support or not. Armin asked for a talk with Marco and some time to decide. Eren and I stood in the corner respectfully and watched Armin talk to his partner, and both were mere shells of who they used to be.
"Hey Marco," Armin started, trying to keep his voice light, but the quiver in it making that impossible. Armin took Marco's cold hand in his own and held it tightly. Armin's teardrops made the freckled young man's colorless skin wet, but didn't hydrate it as it shrunk more and more with time. His body was doing all it could to keep itself alive, but it wasn't going to last.
"It's Armin again. Today is Tuesday. It's July now. Aren't you happy that it's summer? I'd love to take a summer walk with you. I think, after this much time staring at your eyelids, you'll appreciate it more. It's been about four months, Marco, since you first fell asleep, so the doctor asked me if I wanted you to be kept on life support. It's a silly thing you did, by the way, making me decide. I don't think that's fair. But you know what? I think you might have done that because you knew I would let you decide for yourself. Do you want to stay or do you want to go? I love you. I'll always love you. And I'll try to understand your decision, no matter what you do. But I wanted to let you know this, because sometimes it's important to hear from somebody else: it's alright to let go now." Armin tried his best to smile, but more tears fell onto Marco's face. The blond kissed his partner's forehead and turned away, covering his face in his hands. I could tell her was crying even though it was silent because of how his shoulders shook. Both Eren and I cried too. We sat in the chairs outside Marco's room for a few hours. At eleven PM, Armin left to go shower. At midnight, Eren and I took a walk around the hospital, got some water, sat back down. At two AM, Armin returned and said that he couldn't sleep. We took another walk. Eren went to the bathroom. We returned together, and through the window we saw all the doctors and nurses in there. Loud beeping, shouting. I saw a flat line. We all fell down. The sobbing was loud as we all held each other, but no one told us to quiet down. They all understood. I shakily stood up and saw the doctors had covered his face with the blanket and I fell down again.
At nine AM, we all had to stop sobbing because we ran out of tears to cry and our voices were raw. Eren sat, brooding, clenching and unclenching his fists, deciding who to be angry at. Armin, sitting on the floor beside me, spoke first.
"He made his choice," he stated obviously. I nodded in agreement, still feeling like crying but unable.
"I'll kill him."
"Who?"
"I'll kill him. That driver. I'll fucking kill him," Eren whispered. I crawled over to him and put my hand on his fist gently.
"Eren, please." That was all I had to say for him to start sobbing again, holding his face in his hands as he whispered small apologies and cried his eyes out again. I wished I could do the same, but instead I took a walk alone. In the hospital courtyard, I saw an old man admiring a tree. I sat on a bench and watched him for a while before he turned and saw me watching him, but I didn't look away. The man sat down next to me on the bench.
"You look like a lot of people I see here. The people you're here with are crying and grieving, but you feel like you can't anymore. You feel empty. Right?"
"My best friend died early this morning and I can't cry anymore. I can't sob. I can't feel anything. It feels like just yesterday I had him, and he was alive. And now he's gone forever. It doesn't feel real."
"That's how it happens. Death is like that. Real sudden."
"You must have seen a lot of your friends die."
"I have."
"Does it get any easier?"
"No. It gets easier to accept that they're dead, but the more of them die and the older you get, the more you realize that one day, your friends will be watching you die and you'll be gone forever."
"How do you deal with it?"
"I live."
"Everyone lives."
"No. Most people just exist. The trick to living is to be able to think at the end of each day that if you died that night, you would die a happy man."
A long silence passed. I closed my eyes and thought about it.
"Say, why are you here?" I asked. No reply. I opened my eyes and looked around. No one was around.
At first I just sat there, shocked. And then I laughed. I laughed and laughed and laughed. When I was done laughing, I cried. When I was done crying, I re-entered the hospital and got the cold coffee available to visitors on the way back to where Eren and Armin were still crying and muttering. I sat there with them, but I didn't cry. I just smiled, remembering Marco's smile, Marco's laugh, Marco's life. I decided to follow the old man's advice. After an hour or so, I got up again and asked the receptionist about the guy. She told me that he had cancer and I asked her for his room number and she told me it was 438. I nodded and headed over to the room. When I opened the door, the old man was standing at the window, just looking outside. He was alone. There were no flowers on his table. I inferred that there hadn't been an visitors by in a while.
"You know, it's rude to just leave in the middle of a conversation."
"It's rude to look for people who leave in the middle of conversations."
"It's rude to hide from people who look for you."
"It's rude to look for people who don't want to be found."
"Why don't you want to be found, old man?"
"You are a persistent one, aren't you?"
"You told me to live. I'm living. I'm taking risks. I'm making sure I don't go to sleep tonight with regrets."
"It's rude to use a person's advice against him."
"You didn't tell me you're a patient here."
"You didn't ask."
"You are the last friend to be alive, aren't you?"
"Hardly that."
"You had to watch all your friends die in front of you and now you have no one."
"The nurses here are nice."
"I'll be your someone."
"You don't know me."
"Then I'll get to know you."
"Why?"
"Because you gave me the rest of my life, so I'll give you the rest of yours."
"I'm not worth it, kid."
"I'll be the judge of that."
