MATHEMS
Madness Attacking The Head Even More Slowly
Author's note:
I think in the last parody I made fun of Megaman X4 and somehow involved Hannah Sears (a.k.a. Crimson Huntress, go read her fanfics) to whom Zero gave a beam saber. There was also political intrigue in that the Maverick Wars were once confined to Japan under Capcom's© control but, because one errant Maverick broke the mold, the Mavericks followed suit and attacked the whole planet this time around. I mean, how else do you account for ALL the Wars being in an isolated location from X1-X4, and then suddenly you are confronted with a world map from X5 onwards? Madness, I tell you.
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Due to the weapon being illegal for private ownership in her home state of Pennsylvania, Hannah decided to use it in her front yard that was about three acres and boasted a small fruit tree orchard. Moreover, it was away from the road and prying eyes, so Hannah played with her beam saber without the nagging threat of being incarcerated.
"Look! It makes tracks in the grass!"
"You're setting the lawn on fire."
"But it's pretty!"
Her sister Sarah turned up her nose at this and instead squeezed her gigantic penguin plushie that the Maverick Hunter, Rank B had given her as consolation to their home being wrecked by a certain flaming Maverick.
"How long are you going to do that? You're wasting the batteries!"
"It uses Duracell, and I've got plenty," Hannah smirked, drawing on the grass with the searing green beam. Its temperature was half that of the sun's surface, but Duracell has been used in Bon Jovi's microphone in concert, and that requires several magnitudes more power to maintain, especially if he sings "It's My Life". Sarah got bored after a while and returned to their house which had tarpaulin as a substitute for a roof and wall.
Hannah completed her picture and scampered up a branch to look at it. Yes, it was an acceptable drawing of Zero's head, now forever ingrained in her yard until it rained.
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Eurasia colony: the first outer-space 'home away from home'. Its funding was on a national level, uniting many Earth nations in a common goal to colonize the great unknown. These facts were well known by the handsome reploid who, with white hair swishing behind his X-Men© Cyclops visor, took a casual stroll to the engineering bay. The foreman there met him with curiosity.
"I haven't seen your model before. What are you?"
"You can say that I'm a PR expert," he said, words flowing as smooth and cool as his suave demeanour.
"Oh, then what protocol have you come to enforce?"
"A private stockholder's," he smiled, "Previous leader of the Maverick Hunters, Commander Sigma."
The alarm on the foreman's face was dimmed by a purple energy blade through his midsection. The handsome reploid then executed the other engineers, destroyed the gravity stabilizers, took care to put out the subsystems and disconnect emergency power supplies. His client was, naturally, most knowledgeable about dropping fortresses and space stations alike. The specialized Virus his client had provided was already running rampant through the environs. While the Eurasia colony deviated from orbit, he magnetically sealed all escape pods except the one he boarded. Satisfied he had fulfilled all conditions specified by his client he kicked back, relaxed and had a smoothie.
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Golden ponytail rippling in his wake, the Red Ripper hacked a path through the city street. Sigma had appeared here, causing bedlam at the Loreena McKennit statue construction site. X had gone before without returning word, hence his current mission to find both. Locating the obvious purple and white garage doors, Zero ran into the stereotyped rectangular arena of doom to find X struck down and his Fourth Armour shattered.
"Tough night?" Zero offered. Teeth grit, X pointed at Loreena McKennit's head. Cracks spiderwebbed the likeness until a gigantic floating Sigma head emerged from it.
"Oh. Is that all. You do drag now, Siggy?"
"Bwa ha ha ha ha! Now I shall destroy you both!"
"Give it up, Siggy. You know that the initial assault never succeeds."
"Then I will send my choreographed army of Mavericks!"
"Those don't succeed, either."
"Behold my oral cavity of DOOM!"
Sigma opened his mouth to reveal his dental doom ray. Not wishing to find out what lay on the other end of the tunnel, Zero scooped up X and scaled the wall until the beam had dissipated.
"Guess what your weak point is!"
Zero jammed his beam saber into the selfsame weapon until internal explosions scattered the Sigma head to component parts. Unlike previous introductory boss battles, a large quantity of ghostly, smaller Sigma heads poured out of the wreckage and zoomed off to parts unknown. Blinking at this, Zero considered his fallen counterpart.
"Need a bandaid?"
The corners of X's mouth turned down.
"He broke my pretty armour."
"Don't worry. Your dad knits you a new suit for every war."
"Uh huh. I have the best wardrobe manager ever."
"Yes, although he does his best to never be found. C'mon, let's find out who our new friends are."
"X! Zero!"
"We're fine, Alia, stop calling us."
"It's not that! Some sort of virus has infected the planet! It's royally screwing EVERYTHING!"
"That was a load-bearing boss? Oh, damn. Well, there's only one solution to this kind of madness."
X nodded.
"Board games."
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"Jenga!"
"No!"
Zero disdained the tumbled pile of wood. Whether it was finer tuning in his inertia inhibitors or better programming of his motor functions, X won the tenuous balance game every time. Neither had breathed and they were in the silent staff lounge, so no passing breeze or jarring footstep had interfered.
"You owe me twenty credits."
"Let's play Pazaak."
"This isn't Star Wars. Stop crossing genres!"
Zero dropped the shiny cards on the table.
"You never win in games of chance."
X grimaced.
"I was programmed to be a pacifist. Then I spent my active life at war with my spawn."
"War is peace," Zero jibed, flipping a 10 card followed by a Double, scoring a perfect 20 on his first turn. X gaped.
"You have Scoundrel's luck."
"I would be a Jedi. If anything, you'd be a Mandalorian."
"You know how utterly off-topic that is?" the pacifist objected, "Besides, Mandalorians are vicious, live for battle…"
"And what do you do, flower arrangement?"
"You could say I'm a reluctant Mandalorian."
Alia's irritating voice chose to blare throughout the Maverick Hunter base at that time.
"Death Star approaching orbit… uh… gods damn it, Signas! Stop changing the cue cards! Ugh… scramble all humans and reploids! Eurasia colony is falling from space! 16 hours til impact!"
The brothers in arms exchanged glances.
"Do we destroy it with X-Wings?"
"I was thinking along the lines of that big fricken' laser cannon we have out back," Zero ruminated, "Been using it to barbeque."
"You have barbeques in the back yard?" X said, pouting.
"You're a vegetarian, remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I guess Dr. Light was a hippie."
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The wide-screen TV in central command displayed the ranks of Mavericks.
"Why the HELL did we auction off parts for the laser AND shuttle on eBay!" Alia roared. Signas looked down at his leather chaps, thought discretion is the better part of valor, and sat down to hide them.
"We need to kill the Mavericks who own them in order to rebuild the particle cannon and shuttlecraft."
"How about we purchase them at cost price?" X suggested.
"No. We are Maverick Hunters, not hagglers, and we will never stoop so low as to beg."
"Question!" Zero piped up, "How can an artificial colony, built from material not five percent of the Earth's total mass, destroy the planet?"
Alia explained, "The Colony is carrying another version of the Sigma Virus. The 'Earth' Virus is already affecting human and reploid health. If the Earth and Colony Viruses merge… it will mean utter annihilation of all life, human and reploid alike, no matter where they are. Earth will be devoid of sentient life."
Zero nodded slowly.
"I hate science. When do we start the killing?"
"Right away," Signas interjected, "Look here, now they're all over the planet instead of one convenient area!" Signas lamented, "Ever since Dragoon broke the borders of Japan in the last war…"
"I suggest Russia, first," Alia interrupted as usual, "Grizzly Slash is escaping on a convoy of trucks."
"What the hell is it with Mavericks and large armoured vehicles?" complained Zero, "Have we had a war without a tank or a train or some kind of floating fortress?"
"Those are the Mavericks compensating for short legs," X pointed out. Zero reminisced. That Boba-Fett clone, Wheel Gator, Gravity Beetle and Storm Owl did have short legs and rode exceptionally massive vehicles.
"Dress warmly, Zero."
"I'm not going to get ice in my hair!"
X grumbled, "Fine. I'll just go tear apart Mavericks in a frigid wind at a hundred miles an hour, shall I?"
"Good boy. Bring back souvenirs."
