Summary: A pastiche of Book 7 of The Iliad, Ajax Duels With Hector. Written for my english class.
Ronald McDonald Dukes it Out With The Burger King
In the city of New York, in the United States of America, there are, lying next to one another, the feuding households of McDonald World, and the Burger Kingdom. The great feud started because they were always stealing customers away from each other.
The Burger King, son of the Dunkin' Donut-man, who is son of Colonel Sanders, whose great-great-grandfather was Lord Ickibop of the Swamp, was sitting in his Kingdom. He pulled out a crisp $100 bill, and he prayed to his god.
"Oh, Benjamin Franklin, god of monetary value, please grant me the power that I need to beat the out of Ronald McDonald tomorrow. Then, they can take their burger-business to the other side of town." He laid down on his bed, and dreamed a dream. A true dream, sent to him by UPS, the messenger god. Benjamin Franklin, son of Josiah Franklin, said to him that he promised that he would not return to his Burger Kingdom until he had beaten the out of Ronald McDonald.
At the stroke of 10 o'clock, several hours after the rosy-fingered Dawn had ushered in the day, the Burger King woke up. He was ecstatic at the news that Mr. Franklin had brought him. He gathered together his Kingdom.
"Sir Shakes-A-Lot, the Burger Thing, and the Wizard of Fries. Come. I will challenge Sir Ronald McDonald, for I have been guaranteed victory by Mr. Franklin."
They went into the streets, where they met Sir McDonald and his minions. "Sir McDonald- " said the Burger King, "I challenge you or any one of your minions to a fight. I can take you on. If I lose, I will leave town, but you can't rub it in. If I win, you must leave town, but I get to call you names. Do you quake in fear?"
"No," said Sir McDonald. "I am only heavy with hunger. First breakfast."
The two men agreed. Sir McDonald feasted on Apple Dippers© and French Toast Sticks, swimming in syrup, whilst the Burger King had Eggs Benedict. Then the fight began. McDonald hurled a small plastic knife at the King. It hit him just left of his nipple, nicking his skin. Then it got nasty. The King threw a chocolate milkshake at McDonald, which went across both of his nipples. "Curses", said he, "I'll never be able to get this stain out!". This ruining of his possession so enraged McDonald that he sent one of their special, "fresh" cookies at the King's nipples. The cookie, being rock hard, caused the King to quake beneath it. "Oh," he said, "my nipples!"
By this point, two obese boys named Albert and Og had gathered round. They were saddened to see two of their greatest heroes fighting. They quickly hatched a plan.
"Come," they said, "it is 11 o'clock, nearly time for Brunch. Why don't you call it a draw and we'll all go have some bacon dipped in fat? Then you can get back to your fight in between Mid-morning Snack and First Lunch."
Everyone agreed. Fattening bacon all around. And no man or puppet's hunger lacked a share of the feast.
