Dark Lords Episode 9 – Who Wants to be a Dark Lord?
...........
"Welcome to another episode of Dark Lords everyone! I'm your host Darth Warious. Today is a very special episode. Today we are holding a contest for those nominated for the title of Dark Lord. Our judges today will be our usual Dark Lord cast and the audience. Remember audience you need to use the little boxes to help you vote on each nominee. Our nominee line up is...Agent Smith from the Matrix!"
The matrix fans in the audience applaud loudly for the agent.
"Welcome Agent Smith." Warious says shaking his hand. "Have a seat." While Smith moved off, Darth Warious introduced the next nominee. "Next we have Captain Barbossa from Pirates of the Caribbean!"
Audience boos loudly and one fan girl calls out, "You wanted to kill Will Turner you meanie!"
Warious shakes Barbossa's hand then yells at the fan girl to shut her trap. "Next we have Anubis, the god of Egypt."
Audience applauds politely, yada yada yada.
"Haldir write properly!"
Yes ma'am.
"Our next nominee is Denethor, Steward of the Gondor brats."
Denethor comes out and takes his seat glaring at Warious' comment about brats.
"Now for all you Sith fans out there who have been waiting patiently for this, please welcome Count Dooku also know as Darth Tyranous! And for all you loyal servants of the Empire, Grand Moff Tarkin!"
The two galactic nominees come out and take their seats but Dooku stops in front of Warious and HEY! DON'T KISS HER HAND!
Warious rolls her eyes, "Excuse Haldir people. He is a very possessive elf."
Trinity Sandlover calls out "You're excused!"
"Now on with the show! First up for examination is Anubis of Egypt! Darth Sidious will now ask him about different aspects necessary to being a Dark Lord."
Anubis stood up and approached the judges. Darth Sidious speaks. "What are you known for?"
"I am the god of the dead and embalming. I am responsible for weighing the hearts of men and then deciding their fates."
"Well folks, rate his response on your automated DL(Dark Lord) scales of Doom and then we'll move on to the next question."
The audience takes out their automated DL scales of Doom and clicks away.
"Alright next question!"
"Anubis, what are your goals in life?"
"I want to rule the dead."
The audience rates the response.
"What do you do with your minions that fail you?"
"I would send them to the underworld."
"What is your power?"
"Um...I am a god."
The audience laughs.
"What is your weakness?"
"Osiris, King of the dead."
"What motivates you and your followers?"
"My followers are motivated by the joy of serving me."
"Thank you very much Anubis," Darth Warious speaks. "We'll have your results given at the end of the show. Next up is Captain Barbossa from the Caribbean! Darth Maul will be interviewing him."
As Anubis goes to sit down Barbossa stands up and stands in front of the judges.
"What are you known for?" Darth Maul asks.
"I, matey, am known for being the Captain of the Black Pearl. I am man so evil that hell itself spat me back out again."
"What are your goals in life Barbossa?" Maul
"Well I wants to get rid of the curse and then become the worlds most feared pirate ever."
"What do you do when your minions fail you?"
"First I puts them to doing the lowest work on the ship or I throws them in the brig. But if any one of thems tries mutiny I set them off on a deserted island with one bullet in their pistol."
"What is your power?"
"I'm a cursed pirate who wanders the seven seas to pillage and plunder from all I see. I can't die, and you see what I truly am in the moonlight."
"What is your weakness?"
"If the blood of a Turner and all the Aztec gold we stole is put back in its chest I can die."
"What motivates you and your followers?"
"That one day we will be free of the curse. We can't feel nor taste with this curse upon us."
"Such is the price for immortality." Warious says as Captain Barbossa takes his seat. "It's time for a commercial break we'll be back right after this."
.........
-big flashy letters- Ring finder 1.4. -fade out- Did you lose a ring? Do you need to find 'the precious'? Well then, look not elsewhere but here, and buy the RING FINDER 1.4! The only ring detector made to last through the ages, and made to seek rings, just like a Nazgul itself, or Gollum... we'll find your rings! Dial www .ennaani.proboards3 .com today!
.........
"Thank you once again Éowyn Skywalker for advertising with us. And remember that you too can send in commercials. We'll even run adds for your fiction as long as it is PG-13 or under all free of charge."
(No personal adds please)
"Next up is Grand Moff Tarkin. You may all remember he was in a New Hope on board the Death Star. Saruman will be interroga...I mean interviewing him."
Grand Moff Tarkin stands up and takes his place in front of the judges.
Saruman begins his interrogation. "What are you known for Tarkin?"
"I'm known for being a Grand Moff of the Empire, ultimate commander of the Death Star and my 'foul stench' as Princess Leia Organa put it.'
"What are your goals in life?"
"My goal is to become the most favored Moff of the Emperor. Possibly even his favorite person."
"Fat chance old man!" Sidious calls out at Tarkin and the audience laughs.
Saruman clears his throat and continues. "What do you do when your minions fail you?"
"I scold them harshly before returning them to their post."
Vader is heard snickering. Saruman glares at him. "What is your power?"
"There is no power greater then that of my Battle Station, the Death Star."
"Do not underestimate the power of the Force!" Éowyn Skywalker calls out.
Tarkin rolls his eyes at all the quoting going on.
"What is your weakness?"
"I have no weakness."
Vader starts coughing and if you listened carefully you could hear 'the force' somewhere in between his hacking.
Saruman is quite annoyed now and asks the last question through clenched teeth, "What motivates you and your followers?"
"Destroying the Rebel scum that stands in the way of our glorious Empire!"
"Thank you Grand Moff Tarkin. Next up is Agent Smith of the Matrix to be interviewed by Moldy Voldy."
"Will you quit calling me that?!" Voldemort yells.
"No" Warious replies as Agent Smith takes his place.
"Agent Smith," Voldemort begins, "what are you known for?"
"I am known for taking over the Matrix, chasing Neo Anderson and his friends, and almost winning the battle between me and Mr. Anderson."
"Oh so your that guy who wears the sunglasses all the time!" Voldemort exclaims.
Agent Smith nods, "I am also wearing them now incase you haven't noticed."
"Right, anyway, what are your goals in life?"
"My goal after taking over the world and Matrix is to beat Neo Anderson by destroying him one way or another."
"I empathize. What do you do when your minions fail you?"
"I have no minions. There are many of me and we do not fail."
"What is your power?"
"I can turn anybody in the Matrix into me by assimilating their data and taking it over. I also have keen fighting skills."
"What is your weakness?"
"The only thing I can see as a possible weakness is Neo Anderson beating me."
"What motivates you and your followers? Or rather what motivates all of you?"
"Taking over the world, the Matrix and Neo Anderson's destruction!"
"Thank you Agent Smith," Warious says as Smith goes to sit down. "Now we have..."
"Hold on a minute!" Voldemort calls out. "I have one person here who deserves 'honorable' mention for this contest!"
"And who is that?" Warious demands.
"J. K. Rowling!"
Rowling comes out on stage and all the audience and Sith in the building 'Boo' and shout "DYE!" and then they begin throwing dye at her. Rowling runs off stage.
Darth's Warious, Maul, Vader and Sidious stand up, "Excuse us ladies and gentlemen, we have a pest problem to be dealt with. We'll be right back after this."
..........
Not satisfied with your evilness? Afraid your getting "soft"? Well, fear no more! To keep your evils evil and that pesky heart as hard as a rock, use Good'BeGone! Guaranteed to wash out the nicest of tendencies and the sweetest of dreams! Brought to you by the same demons who gave you the Orb'oSoulSucking and the BabyFrier. Lord Doric & Minions a family company.
(Commercial brought to you by 'A Very Happy Person')
..........
"Welcome back to Dark Lords. Thank you (to who ever you really) are for sending us your commercial. Next up we have Count Dooku of the Separatist movement back in the Clone Wars era. Interviewing him will be Michael JackSauron, also known as Sauron."
Dooku takes his place in front of the judges.
"What are you known for?" Sauron asks.
"I'm known for being one of the 'Lost Twenty' in the Jedi Order. I'm known for leading the Separatist movement that started the Clone Wars and ultimately made Darth Sidious the emperor of the Galaxy."
"Nice. What are your goals in life?"
"My goal is to show the galaxy how corrupt the Galactic Senate has become because of the bureaucratic power at work."
"You think your government had problems? The United States is being run by the Judiciary (judges) System and thus is corrupting the people of America. Not to mention the control they are gaining in order to get away with more of their evils!" Darth Warious rages interrupting the interview.
"You should start a separatist movement." Dooku suggests.
"I would except a lot of Americans are 1) to lazy or don't care and 2) refuse to see the truth."
"Can I please continue?" Sauron asks.
"Sorry. Please go on." Warious apologizes
"What do you do when your minions fail you?"
"My minions won't fail me. They wish as much as I do to see the downfall of the corrupted Senate."
"Lucky you. What is your power?"
"I have the force; there is no greater power in the galaxy."
"Amen," the four Sith respond.
"What is your weakness?"
"I cannot beat my master, Yoda."
"Yes, he is quite the pin ball from what I have seen. What motivates you and your minions?"
"As I have said before, the downfall of the corrupted galactic Senate, after that I'm helping Darth Warious plan the downfall of the corrupted courts."
"Thank Dooku! Last but not least we have Denethor, the steward of the Gondor brats. Interviewing him will be Darth Vader, the father of the whiney brat Puke Upchucker."
"You have no idea how whiney Luke is. Denethor, What are you known for?"
"I'm known for being the Steward of Gondor who hates Aragorn, son of Arathorn the true king of Gondor."
"Right...What are your goals in life?"
"To see my son, Boromir, on the throne of Gondor as king."
"What do you do when your minions fail you?"
"When a soldier fails me I tell him he tried. If Faramir fails me I scold him and send him out to die at the hands of the orcs."
"You're a bad dad," Vader comments.
"Yes I am."
"What is your power?"
"My first born, Boromir is my power."
"Your son is your power?"
"Yes."
"Ooookay. What is your weakness?"
"When my line is ended."
"What motivates you and your minions?"
"Boromir."
"Allrighty then. We have the result of our Dark Lord Contest. Each number stands for the average of each questions score."
Anubis' scores are; 17 total
3 1 5 5 2 1
Barbossa's scores; 48
7 8 9 7 9 8
Tarkin's scores; 24
5 2 1 5 3 8
Agent Smith's scores; 48
7 8 9 9 7 8
Count Dooku's scores; 48
9 7 8 8 9 7
Denethor's scores; 6
1 1 1 1 1 1
"Well folks, there is a tie! The three people deserving of the Dark Lord
title goes to Agent Smith, Count Dooku, and Captain Barbossa with 48
points. Congratulations you three are now Dark Lords! Go forth and do
dark things.
Thank you for joining us for this special episode of Dark Lords we'll see
you next time. Remember everyone, send in your commercials!"
.........
A/N: Please Review
