1Chapter 7 – Better Loving Through Chemistry
Rena Lanford-Tax-Flac-Kenni-Raviede-Anchors-Jean-Geeste couldn't help but steam as she pored over her legal marriage documents. Despite her best efforts to read everything through the first time, she still found herself with an absurdly long last name, probably because she missed checking off a box somewhere or other. What was worse was now that she had taken the names of her first seven husbands, if she declined to add on to the string when she snared her final three, she would upset the new additions. The last thing she wanted on her already messy marital history was a rash of divorces.
Resigned to her fate, Rena finally put the documents away, finished filling out her application for a new First Bank of Cross Golden Era Extra Length Checkbook – for customers who aren't satisfied with just one spouse but who still want to fit their signatures onto a single check, and pondered which last name would look best after Geeste.
Her conclusion? Jules.
XXX
When did I fall in love with Celine in the first place? Rena wondered to herself. I'm pretty sure I hardly even noticed her for most of the journey. Did her overwhelming beauty and charm just somehow elude me for so long?
Rena paced about her room at the Cross inn. Her obsession with when she first knew she and Celine belonged together interfered with her attempt to draw up a plan to snare her. As a result, she couldn't come up with a satisfactory solution to either problem.
Was it her outfit? How did she get away with wearing that, anyway? I tried dressing like that for Claude once and he only laughed at me. Why does it look so good on Celine, then? Am I... goofy-looking?
It can't be that. I'm gorgeous. Look how many husbands I have! C'mon, Rena. You know you're pretty.
Rena stared into the mirror on the wall, put her hand to her hip, leaned to one side, and growled seductively. She then held her face in one of her palms and attempted to look as cute as she could. To finish off her display, she blew her reflection a kiss and fluttered her eyelashes.
Yeah, I still got it. What man could resist me? I am the great Rena Lanford-Tax-Flac-Kenni-Raviede-Anchors-Jean-Geeste, Romance Goddess! But until Celine, I only fell for men. Why her? When did it happen? Haven't I asked myself that a dozen times already?
Maybe I should walk through from the beginning and see if anything won me over. Let's see, I still didn't notice her in Mars. I only had eyes for Dias during the Lacour Tournament. I went head over heels for Claude when we got to El Continent. Was it somewhere on Energy Nede? There was the Synard Research Center, the Four Fields... and Fun City! It was Fun City!
Why Fun City, though? I remember confessing my love for her there, and I also remember Claude taking me off to that back room for some, uh, quality time. Quality kissing time, that is! Oh, Rena, you devil!
Where was I? Fun City, yes. My confession of love. That was when Celine wore that fancy new perfume. What was it called, again? I think it was Aphrodisiac. Funny name. I think that was what won me over, though. Her lovely perfume, the scent of which will flow through my heart for all time. Ah, young love!
Wait, Aphrodisiac? Isn't that some sort of love potion? Yes, it is, and that's my solution! I can make Celine love me with a love potion. Wow! Better loving through chemistry. Just an old-fashioned love potion.
XXX
Celine's grand dining hall sparkled under the blood, sweat, tears, and pinesol of the horde of servants it took to prepare the place for Rena's sudden arrival. Celine herself seemed to be competing with the interior decorating, wearing enough freshly polished pearls around her neck to shine nearly as much as the floor. She wore her good outfit, which is to say that she wore her usual skimpy dress and sparkly hat. She spoke with the authority of a woman who knew she was all-powerful and answered to no one, which was more or less how she acted before becoming queen.
"Oh, Rena, darling, you look absolutely marvelous," Celine said. "Really, you're just ravishing in that dress. Wherever did you get it?"
"I made it myself," Rena lied. "I've become quite handy in recent months."
"Magnificent, darling," said Celine. "I must have the recipe."
"Recipe?"
"My mind is on dinner already. Shall we hop to it?"
"Aren't you going to show me around?" Rena winked. "A poor country girl like me deserves a grand tour, doesn't she?"
"Anything for you," said Celine.
"Terrific!" Rena yelped as she dashed up past the table to where Celine stood. In transit, she slipped a small capsule from her sleeve into Celine's drink, disguising the motion by pretending she was only interested in offering Celine her hand. She latched onto Celine like a parasitic mountain monkey of the planet Nike V (the first planet to be terraformed for the express purpose of turning the place into a giant billboard), absentmindedly pecking her cheek with a the sort of friendly kiss she normally reserved for Leon. Then, her stomach began to growl.
"You know what, Celine?" she said. "I'm hungry. Forget the tour for now. Let's eat."
"That my kind of woman," said Celine. "Ah, the joys of food! Is there anything better than roast astroduck with a side of space pork rinds? I don't think so. And for dessert? Baby rabbit risotto!"
"It all looks so tempting," said Rena as she took her seat. "Let's have a toast. To us! To dinner!"
Rena and Celine raised their goblets and downed the evening's first serving of wine. Afterward, Celine broke into the biggest, dumbest smile Rena had ever seen.
"Rena," she slurred, "I don't know if this is the booze talking, but I'm certainly glad you came over tonight."
"Why, thank you," said Rena.
"I don't think you understand," said Celine. "I mean, I'm really, really thankful. I'm so glad you're here. Man, I didn't know I could get this drunk on nonalcoholic wine. Was it nonalcoholic? I forget. I don't think I told the chef how old you are. Anyway, I need to tell you that I think you're special."
"I think you're special, too, Celine," Rena nearly cackled.
"So special that I love you," said Celine. "In fact, I know it's legal now, so let's get married."
Rena pulled a stack of papers out from her pocket and shouted for joy. "Sure thing! Hey, just sign here."
