Chapter Two – Passwords, Words O' Wisdom, and Wild Hermione!

Harry's brain was currently exhausted from the mental stress of remembering the password.

"Heffalump?" Asked Harry doubtingly. The Fat Lady merely narrowed her eyes and harrumphed. (I have no idea how this is supposed to be spelled, or if it's even a word, but it sounds really cool, doesn't it? Actually, so cool that I'm going to get back on my Capitalization Spree and Capitalize it!) No, she didn't harrumph. She Harrumphed. Duh!

Anyway, taking that Harrumph as a no, Harry racked his brain for passwords they'd had in the past (though this doesn't make sense because why would they use the same password twice? But this was Harry we were talking about here, not Hermione. What did you expect?). "Knuckle-ball?" (--Head-shake--) "Chinese Fish Hooks?" (--Nose-scrunch up--) "Thumbtack Of Doom?" (--Eye brow-raise--) "Panty Patent?" (--Loser-sneeze--)

Harry raised his hand to his forehead dramatically and cried out "Why, oh why, have I not the ability to remember the oh-so-passwordy password? Shall I be cursed to forget it for all eternity? I- " Harry stopped, because – low-and-behold (where the heck did that phrase come from anyway?) – the Portrait Hole had opened! GASP! (Hee-hee! Wiggly lines are fun! WHOOOOOOO! ) Stuttering helplessly, Harry managed to choke out, "Wh-what? Why h-has it opened? Have you t-taken pity on me and m-my forgetfulness? I AM SHOCKED BEYOND BELIEF! . . . No, really. I am!"

"No, you young scallywag! I take pity upon NO ONE!" The Fat Lady boomed.

Hey! I resent that! She told me in my mind.

Resent what?

Being called The Fat Lady!

Well, don't resent me, resent JKR! She's the one who named you that. Though, now that you mention it, it is rather rude, isn't it?

Quite! She sniffed indignantly. So I now resume my story.

"The reason I have opened the portrait hole is because you're aritenithus mouth (don't ask, 'cause I don't know, I just made that word up) has uttered the sacred password!" The Not-So-Fat Lady roared. (Hee-hee! Roar! Like a lion! --Not-So-Fat Lady gives icy stare-- Er . . . a not-so-fat lion?)

"I did? Could it be true? Why it must! But what word was it that I uttered so unknowingly?" Hand on chin, the young man stroked it thoughtfully. "Oh well, I'm in now." (It was "eternity" by the way. I don't know why, but I always thought that was a cool word...) And he entered the Common Room.

Or did he . . . ?

Nah, I'm just kidding. Of course he did.

But what if . . . ?

No, seriously, he entered the Common Room!

Or else . . . ?

Hey! GO AWAY! This is my story and I say he Entered the Common Room!

Okay! Sheesh! He entered the Common Room! Fine! You always have to have your way, don't you?

YES I DO!

. . . . . . Er, okay! Anyway.

He entered the common room (ha!) and gasped theatrically as he laid eyes upon his two best friends sitting at a table before the fire. Why did he gasp theatrically you might ask? No one knows!

Or do they . . . ?

Oh, don't start that again!

"Tittles and Toothbrushes!" Hermione exclaimed. "I just can't seem to find the square root of the potion ingredient most commonly used in Hootenanny Draughts on Mondays if the Drunken Dragons come along to play with Spadinkygeegees!"

Harry just stared in utmost confusion. Ron, however, surprised everyone by opening his mouth and saying – in a rather old-person sounding way, "Ahh, my dear child! . . . Well, obviously you're not – what I meant was – Ah, what the heck? Ahh, my dear . . . person! You must relax, for your aura is pulsing with Spadinkygeegee-related confusion! You must open your soul and spout utter nonsense like me! Free yourself, for only then can you become one with the bowling ball!" He finished ominously. If the Dun-Dun-Dun-First-Year-With-The-Really-Deep-Voice had of been there, he would have been robbed of the ability to "dun dun dun" and would have just stared in awe and wonder along with everyone else! But, of course, he was digging his way out of 50 feet of snow, tugging along a bright yellow sparkplug behind him.

"Oh, Ron! Your spouting of utter nonsense has refreshed me! How could I not have seen it before? I will take your advice and free myself!" Hermione exclaimed wondrously.

She then proceeded to take her hair out of it's not-so-customary but needed-for-effect bun, shook her head wildly and jumped up on the table. She kicked off all the books (yes, I know, and this is indeed Hermione and not an alian who had drunken . . . drinken . . . drank . . . DRINK IN THE PAST TENSE! some Poly Juice Potion), stripped off her robes to reveal tight night-club-clothes and started to dance like a monkey in June. (Which – by the way – is a very interesting sight to see! The monkey, not Hermione. That wasn't interesting, just disturbing. Unless you're a guy, then I guess you might find it interesting, as I have clearly made it clear that she was wearing night-club-clothes, and guys seem to like those don't they? Well, at least when they're on girls. And if it's a night-club/night-club and not a Barney/night-club. Then they'd just be horrified . . . I don't know where I get all this so please don't ask. All this jumping around and rambling is hurting my head, so I'll go on with the story.)

So as Hermione continued to dance in her 'own special way', Harry walked over to Ron and sat next to him, sighing. "Do you have any advice for me, O-Obviously-Brilliant One? I am in such need of some decent guidance right now! Please, O-Philosophical One! What does the purple squirrel tell you?"

Ron stroked his chin thoughtfully in an amazing impersonation of Harry a few moments earlier. Then he smiled Dumbledore-ish and nodded all-knowingly. "Ahh, Harry. (Why do old, all-knowing people always say ah? Ah well, here we go. Wait a sec! I just said ah! Ah well. Ooh! I did it again! Does that make me an old, all-knowing person? Because - )

Sorry for that, I had to clamp my hand over myself's mental mouth to stop me from getting distracted again. Which happens quite a lot, really. You have no idea. It's almost as if every time I try to write about what's happening in this legendary story, I am compelled to ramble on about random nonsense! But, then again, this story is titled Randomness, is it not? So I guess it's alright for me to - --hand-clamping-over-mouth noise--

"Ah, Harry. For you, I have this life-changing, heart-felt counseling. You must run the hidden pine trails of the forest. You must taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth. You must roll in all the riches all around you, sing with all the voices of the mountain, and ask the grinning bob cat why he grins. Only then, can you paint with all the colors of the wind!"

"But of course! All my life I have waited for these faithful words! Why could I not see if before?" Harry fell from the chair or sofa or whatever he'd been sitting on, and knelt on the ground, lifting his arms to the ceiling. "NOW MY LIFE HAS MEANING! But please, my dear friend, why would I want to paint with all the colors of the wind?"

The Common Room fell silent.

Oh, please! It really fell silent?

Of course it did! How could it not? Why is that so hard to believe?

Maybe because it's a Common Room! It can't fall silent or it would be a Silent Room! . . . Which it isn't!

Oh, well, you have a point there, but – wait! I'm doing it again! THE COMMON ROOM FELL SILENT, OKAY? DEAL WITH IT!

Well someone needs a hug! . . . Sheesh! . . .

So, the Common Room fell silent. Even Hermione stopped her sensual dance (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S HILARIOUS! HERMIONE? SENSUAL DANCE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, it's out of my system) to stare in sheer disbelief before whispering, "Do you dare doubt the Great Ronald's Words O' Wisdom?"

Harry gasped in horror and banged his head against a random lamp that popped up out of nowhere, reminding himself quite accurately of Dobby. "I'm so sorry! How could I be so stupid?"

But Rom simply smiled tranquilly (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S HILARIOUS! Ron? Tranquil? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, that's out of my system now, too) and said, "Worry not, young Padwan. I will answer your question, which was said so long ago no one remembers. You asked why you would want to paint with all the colors of the wind? I'll tell you. You see- " This time, however, Ron jumped up, spread out his arms and belted out in a dazzling singing voice, "You can own the earth and still, all you own is earth until, you paint with all the colors of the wind!"

This was followed by a collection of "ooh"s and "aah"s before everyone started jumping up and suddenly bursting into song. It was quite an interesting evening.

Meanwhile, in Switzerland, the Dun-Dun-Dun-First-Year . . . well, I think you get the point . . . had just reached the surface and broke through the last of the snow, where he gasped with exhaustion, fell onto the ground, and stroked Louisi until he fell asleep…

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AN: Wow, that really stunk, didn't it? Oh, well. It was my best shot! I hope you enjoyed it somehow, even if it's just out of pity for my poor skills.