Chapter 13 - Requiem
As Steve took his position at the back of the church behind the procession, he made sure to keep his eyes on Kurt and Santana, who were clinging to each other for dear life while the funeral officiant spoke.
Steve figured that the girl sitting on the other side of Kurt was Rachel, who he knew was Finn's on and off girlfriend throughout high school. By all accounts, the two were soulmates that never managed to find their window to be with each other after high school. Steve heard her sniffles above all else, which soon dissolved into raucous sobbing. His heart sank deep into his chest as he thought about the last time he had cried in such a way.
When Bucky had fallen from the train, his whole life had changed immeasurably…once again. He had just started to adjust to being six foot three and muscular with an unwavering amount of responsibility on his shoulders and then his best friend tumbles from the side of a train into a snowy mountain scene, presumably never to be seen again.
He never wants to thank Hydra for existing, but they granted him the impossible. He got his best friend back, albeit a haunted version of him, but Steve got to have what he never thought he would.
This wasn't the case for Kurt, Rachel, Carole, Burt, Santana, or anyone else who was currently grieving Finn Hudson's death. A lot of people had turned up and were deeply emotional as the officiant spoke of celebrating life and all the platitudes one was supposed to say during a funeral service.
"Mr Hummel, I believe you have a song for us?"
Kurt sniffled before untethering himself from Santana. Steve expected Santana and Rachel to move closer to support each other, but the gap where Kurt had sat was unfilled as he got up to stand before the congregation.
"Uh, hello, I'm Kurt Hummel, Finn's brother. I'm not going to give some sappy speech about how great Finn was because everybody here knows just that and has their own memories of him." Kurt was looking everywhere but at Steve, which was to be expected.
"I will say…Finn always loved music. He sang everywhere. He often wrote little jingles about doing chores or drummed on his thighs when I was having a bad day to try and cheer me up. He was enormously talented and I wanted to sing one of his favourite songs. I don't know if you can hear this, Finn, but this is for you. I love and miss you, my brother."
Chills erupted across Steve's skin once he realised that Kurt would be singing acapella. He also realised that he had never heard Kurt sing properly before. Casually under his breath, yes, but never a performance like the one he was about to give.
Steve was crying before Kurt even opened his mouth.
"There are places I'll remember all my life, though some have changed," Kurt began, his angelic voice echoing in the vast building.
Steve felt like someone had slammed a boulder against his throat and then like he was being strangled, there was tightness that he had never felt before, sobs threatening to pour out of him. He clenched his jaw so tightly that he was going red in the face from concerting so much effort. He couldn't break down now, not when Kurt was opening himself up in a way that had never seen before.
"Some forever, not for better. Some have gone and some remain," Kurt continued, tears flowing freely down his cheeks yet not impacting his vocal performance.
A muffled sob escaped from Carole's mouth as Kurt took a breath, meeting her eyes for a fleeting second.
Steve placed his clenched fist against his mouth.
"All these places have their moments with lovers and friends, I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living. In my life, I've loved them all."
Kurt's voice shook on the last word of the verse and he ducked his head, looking up at the onlookers with a tearful smile. "I'm sorry, I…I can't continue."
A blonde girl rose to her feet and collected Kurt, leading the sobbing boy back to his seat. Steve ignored the twitching of his feet and forced himself to remain calm and seated lest he ruins the entire service.
The officiant wiped thick tears from his face and smiled through them. "That was lovely, Kurt. Thank you."
Kurt turned back and met Steve's eye for the briefest moment, but it was enough to change things between them. Steve knew that the time was fast approaching for Kurt to need him. It wasn't quite now, but it would be arriving swiftly before he knew it.
After the service ended, the congregation spilt out of the church and into the warm afternoon, dispersing into their natural groups. Steve lingered at the door before spotting Santana standing alone. She quickly waved him over.
The girl put her hand up before he could speak. "Please don't ask. If anyone says the 'o' word I'll just start crying again. Thank fuck for waterproof mascara."
Steve chuckled lightly before patting her arm. That was the best he could and knew she would appreciate the gesture as it was intended. I'm here if you need me.
Kurt was busy bidding farewells to those who had to leave, Rachel clinging to his arm. He didn't particularly enjoy Rachel's overbearing nature, but he would give her a free pass today for pretty much anything. Finn meant the world to her as he had done to Kurt.
"How do we go forward now, Kurt?"
Kurt sighed as she put her head on his shoulder. "I don't know. I…haven't really thought about forward just yet."
"I've done a lot of thinking," Rachel whispered. "Anything to distract me from thinking about him. I'm sorry for being such a bad friend to you in New York. Finn would want me to look out for you and vice versa. I could come back to the loft, I…I've missed you."
Kurt frowned. "I left you messages. We…Santana and I aren't at the loft anymore."
"You gave it up?" Rachel asked, eyes wide.
"Santana's girlfriend… ex-girlfriend asked if she could move in with her roommate. We signed the lease over to them. I left voicemails about it," Kurt sighed, not wanting to get into the admin of it all right now.
"Oh," Rachel said quietly, knowing that she couldn't express her feelings about that particular decision without looking like the bad guy in the situation. She had let her friendship with Kurt stall and that was her fault. She knew that she could mend it, but it would never return to what it once was. "Where are you guys living now?"
"Manhattan," Kurt said simply, scanning around for something to deflect from the encroaching conversation. He locked eyes with Santana and narrowed them slightly, their insular gesture for 'help me'.
"Manhattan? How can you guys afford a place there? We barely made rent at the loft as a trio, never mind just two people. Wait. Who the hell is that?"
Kurt frowned and looked in her direction at a floundering Steve Rogers, who had no idea what to do with himself. Kurt felt the guilt stab at him and knew that he would have to have a long conversation with his boyfriend once they were back in New York so that he could explain. "I…we hired security for the event."
"We're not that famous yet, Kurt," Rachel rebutted. "And don't think I don't know when you're lying."
As Kurt searched his brain for a viable excuse, he sighed in relief as Santana appeared as if out of nowhere and turned to Rachel.
"Rachel, can I talk to you for a minute?" It was the most sincere Santana had ever been to the girl, which was ironic because she was about to lie and had no idea what she would talk about.
Rachel frowned but nodded, reluctantly detangling herself from Kurt and letting Santana lead her way without another word.
Kurt looked over at Steve, now standing alone, a hopeful expression on his face. Kurt turned away and walked over to the first people he saw: Sam and Brittany.
The two were holding hands, looking into each other's eyes and Kurt just became more confused. He hadn't even known the two to have spoken whilst he was at McKinley and now they were in love. Well, he conceded to himself, it was funny how things worked out.
"Hi, you two," he whispered as he fell into step with them.
"Kurt," Brittany replied and pulled him into a tender hug. "You sang beautifully."
"I've missed that," Sam echoed, giving Kurt a hug of his own.
"I've missed you both," Kurt smiled lightly, the expression feeling foreign on his face after so much sorrow. "I'm sorry I haven't been so good at keeping in touch."
Sam waved his hand. "It's okay. I know it's weird for you to keep in contact with us while living with Santana."
Kurt did not miss the way Sam worded that, referring to him and Brittany as a single entity.
Brittany nodded. "I hope I can catch up with her later." She turned to Sam. "You don't mind, do you?"
"Of course not," Sam said firmly. "You two are overdue a catch-up. I can always spend some more time with Kurt."
"I'd like that. I…well, I certainly have a story for you." If anyone would get a kick out of Kurt's new life with the Avengers, it would be Sam Evans.
"I'd love to hear it," Sam smiled. "Seriously, Kurt, I've missed you."
"You both should come to New York sometime."
"It's a—," Brittany couldn't quite finish her sentence before she gasped. "Kurt."
Kurt frowned, moving to turn but finding himself rooted to the spot by Brittany.
"I wouldn't if I were you."
Kurt turned away and locked eyes with David Karofsky, who spotted him and started to walk over.
Steve was chatting easily to Burt and Carole when he heard it.
Another sound he had never heard. Kurt's fury.
"What do you think you're doing here?"
He was so loud that everyone who was still dawdling outside the church had turned to look.
Steve saw a tall, stocky boy walking over to Kurt, an uneasy smile quickly fading from his lips. Steve got into protective mode and aligned his stance so that he could move towards Kurt at a moment's notice.
It turned out, though, that Kurt was not in need of his help.
"Hi, Kurt. I'm really sorry about Finn."
"Don't say his name. You don't get to say his name."
David flinched at the tone. "Kurt, please…"
"Who do you think you are showing up here? Do you think anyone wants you here?"
David swallowed heavily, knowing that it was going to be the hardest conversation to finesse. "I…well, I wanted to pay my respects. Whatever history, I genuinely liked Finn."
"You had a funny way of showing it. How many times did you threaten to beat him up?"
"That was high school. Please, Kurt, you're making a scene and people are staring."
Kurt looked around and scoffed. "Oh, people are staring are they? Let them. I want everyone to know that you're not welcome here. Finn…Finn wouldn't have wanted you here."
"I think Finn would have appreciated it," David muttered before he could stop himself, cursing as the words left his mouth.
"And you'd know exactly what Finn would have appreciated how exactly? Finn wouldn't have appreciated having poison at his f-funeral." Kurt's voice cracked on the word. "You should leave before I do something I'll regret."
"It's been a long time. I've changed, Kurt, you know that."
Kurt stared venomously at him. "It doesn't matter. No amount of time erases the wounds you inflict on people. They remember. We remember. You see his grieving mother over there? Do you want to go over and reminisce about how you organised a group of your friends to ambush Finn after football practice and tie him to the flagpole? Do you think Finn would appreciate that?
"No, you don't know. You were nothing but awful to Finn and don't pretend otherwise. You're nothing and you've always been nothing. Things don't change that much and I certainly do not forget."
David nodded quickly and held his hands up. "Okay, I'll go. I'll go. I'm sorry."
As David backed away, a large circular gap had formed around Kurt, who started to collapse in on himself.
He fell to his knees harshly, a heavy, chesty sob ripping from his throat. Kurt planted both of his hands on the ground and choked, a gesture caught halfway between crying and throwing up with no vomit.
Sam moved immediately towards him but was surprised when Kurt batted his hands away.
"Get off me, get off me!"
Brittany pulled Sam backwards as Santana appeared once again out of thin air, Rachel nowhere to be seen.
Santana leaned down without touching Kurt. "Can you tell me what you need, darling?"
Kurt struggled to breathe but tried to form words. "S…Ste…Steve."
Santana locked eyes with Steve, jerking her head in a motion towards them.
Steve rushed forward and picked Kurt up off the floor, the smaller man immediately burying his head in Steve's chest, soaking the material of his suit jacket with tears.
Santana asked everyone for some space, Sam and Brittany ushered to quietly leave with a promise to catch up later. Burt led a sobbing Carole away to their car to head towards the wake.
By the time everyone had dispersed, Santana gave Steve a thumbs up before pointing to the car Tony had provided for them.
When he's ready, she mouthed.
Steve smiled at her over Kurt's head as he pulled the man so close to him that they were probably in a position to become a single organism.
"He's gone, Steve. How can he be gone?"
"I don't know, baby. I'm so sorry," Steve whispered soothingly.
He soon realised that Kurt wasn't even holding his own weight, Steve was supporting his body as he tried to remain upright.
With some gentle shushing and whispered words of affection, Kurt's screams soon began to subside, making way for subdued sniffles and deep exhalation.
Steve was glued to Kurt's side, holding the man upright as he led him to the car that had patiently waited for them.
Steve knew Kurt well enough to know that he was now embarrassed. Both about breaking down outside the church and for how he had treated Steve. He knew that Kurt wouldn't believe him when Steve reassured him that it was okay and that he understood. Kurt would bear the burden of guilt so intensely that it would break him a little inside.
So Steve just squeezed his hand and let him know that he was there, shedding more than a few tears for his grieving boyfriend.
The Hummel house was deathly quiet.
Kurt hadn't known it to be so quiet since the death of his mother when he and his father would walk on fragile eggshells around each other, not really knowing how to navigate life without the most important person in each of their lives. This day reminded him a lot of that in many ways that he did not care for.
He let Steve guide him into the living room, placing him down onto the couch and then backing away slightly, shuffling down to the other end of the furniture.
"You don't have to sit so far away," Kurt mumbled, feeling so foolish that it was hard to even look at Steve without feeling shame.
Steve edged closer. "I wasn't sure."
Kurt dragged his hands across his face and sighed heavily, sounding more like a grunt. "I have been completely unfair to you." Kurt realised that he'd needed to get angry before calming down and assessing the situation without the cloud of grief around him. His outburst towards Karofsky had been a little extreme, he would admit, but also necessary for him to channel some of his emotions to someone who he didn't particularly care about. He had been icing Steve out since he'd gotten the news and Kurt knew that if Steve were anyone else he would've left him by now. Kurt probably would've.
"Kurt, you've been dealing with the impossible. It's okay."
"One of those can be true without the other. I…don't handle grief well, as you've noticed by now. I may have had a reason for treating you like shit, but that doesn't make it okay."
"I understand," Steve said softly, not realising that it was the completely wrong thing to say.
"Do you?"
"As much as I can from my own life and what you've told me about Finn. I'm trying to understand. And I love you."
"Oh, of course, you do. Because you're the most understanding, amazing person this fucking planet has to offer and I'm the perpetual fuck up!"
Steve admitted the obvious; that Kurt's anger had not yet subsided.
Kurt felt all the emotions build upon him as Steve's beautiful, kind face stared back at him, completely incapable of handling the situation as badly as he had often had. "Why can't you get mad at me as a normal fucking person would? Not everything's fine, Steve, and you can be a big boy and admit it when I'm being a fucking asshole! Why do you let yourself be treated like this?"
Steve reeled from the barrage of attacks that Kurt had thrown at him before realising that it wasn't over. He steeled himself, knowing that it would likely get worse.
"Do you really have that little self-respect that you would let your boyfriend trample all over you without so much as a complaint? Oh, my brother's dead, big fucking deal, it doesn't mean that you stop caring about yourself, Steve. Who am I kidding, I'm dating a guy who nosedived a plane into the fucking Arctic to save people's lives, I shouldn't expect a normal human reaction, should I? I suppose this is also my fault isn't it, for expecting less of you? Have a fucking flaw!"
Kurt had grown closer until he was yelling directly into Steve's face, the latter unflinching as he received the tirade that Santana had warned him about. He remembered her saying that Kurt would make him feel worthless and he had to say she was absolutely right on the money with that observation.
Then, with the weight of realisation crushing him like an anvil, Kurt's hand flew tenderly to Steve's face, caressing it with all the gentleness of someone who hadn't just screamed bloody murder at their boyfriend.
"I…I don't…I'm so sorry."
"Kurt," Steve said firmly. "I'm not going to say that that was okay, but I'm not going to hold it against you."
"You should," Kurt whispered, a tear dripping from the edge of his eyelash.
"On any other day, I would've," Steve nodded. "But as I said, you're handling the impossible. You're trying to keep yourself together for everyone else while being reminded of your mother, while also feeling like you owe Rachel your support, while also making sure your father and Carole are holding up well, not to mention Santana and your other friends.
"You always put too much on yourself and that's usually adorable because you end up running around and micro-managing in that really authoritative way that is secretly quite hot. But you needed the outlet. I didn't sign up to be your emotional punching bag, Kurt, but I can recognise just how much good that has done for you today."
Kurt sighed. "I can't believe I just got mad at you like that. I'm so embarrassed."
"I've been preparing for this since we left New York," Steve explained. "Santana told me you'd want me to stay behind initially but said I should come anyway for when this happened. I'm not this perfect paragon of patience, I just knew what to expect.
"When you got the news, I was floundering. It was Nat who calmed me down and told me what to do. Santana talked me through your process, and Tony arranged everything else. I've just been a body and don't deserve a lot of credit you got angry about giving me."
Sensing Kurt needed some quiet time, Steve continued.
"For the record, I have a lot of flaws. I'm stubborn, as you know, I'm overprotective to the point of coddling. I can be uncompromising, selfish, thoughtless and all these other things. But I try to be the best version of myself with you because that's what you deserve. And loving you means that I don't want you to be anything but happy."
Kurt wiped another fresh set of tears from his eyes. "Are you happy?"
"I can't say I am because you're hurting."
"I mean, happy with me?"
Steve pulled Kurt close to him and stroked his hair. "Kurt, you've made me happier than I've ever thought was possible for me. My life has been nothing but war and then there's you, this beacon of hope and a life I didn't know I could have."
"A beacon of hope who explodes at people at funerals," Kurt chuckled mirthlessly.
"Do you want to talk about that?"
Kurt chewed his lip before trying to relax his muscles. "The guy I screamed at…he's the guy from my stories about high school."
"The bullying ones?"
"Yes."
"Well fuck, Kurt, now I get why you yelled at him. I probably would've done the same or punched his lights out. In fact, I still might. I can have Tony find his address…"
"Calm down, Cap," Kurt smiled genuinely at Steve for the first time since before he found out about Finn. "I actually owe him an apology too. He was partly right, things have changed since high school. And Finn and I said some pretty terrible things to each other before becoming brothers. I don't want to keep grudges against my tormentors because I no longer care what they think. I won. I got out despite them trying to keep me down.
"I got out of Lima and I met you and if that's not winning, then I don't know what is."
Steve kissed the top of his head tenderly. "I love you so much, Kurt."
"I love you, too."
Steve blew out a breath of relief. "Boy am I glad to hear that. I apparently have such little self-respect that I needed validation from somewhere." Steve looked down at Kurt, grinning.
"You ass."
"You like my ass," Steve shot back, a warmth filling his chest at feeling somewhat normal with Kurt.
"I can't say that I don't."
They sat in a harmonious silence for a few moments, just the sound of a clocking ticking overhead.
"Do you want to make an appearance at the wake?"
Kurt scoffed. "God, no. I hate wakes. Funerals are difficult enough, I don't need to be sad and drunk."
"You should probably let Santana know you aren't coming."
"Could you? I think I just need to rest a little."
"Of course," Steve replied sweetly, pulling out his phone.
Kurt's okay, think he's screamed and cried himself into exhaustion. Doesn't feel up for the wake. How are you holding up?
The reply was almost instantaneous.
Glad he's okay. Thank you for looking after him. I figured he'd be too embarrassed to show up, hope he knows he shouldn't be. I'm okay.
Steve didn't read too much into the last phrase until another message came through.
Going to stay at Brittany's while we're here, but please let me know if Kurt needs me.
Of course, I will. We're here for you too, Santana.
Steve anticipated the simple 'Thanks' he received in return and shut off his phone, by which time Kurt was wheezing sleepily on his lap, curled up into himself.
Steve continued the gentle rhythms of his hand stroking through Kurt's hair as he stared across the room at the fireplace, where a picture of Kurt, Burt, Carole, and Finn rested on the top of it. Steve let a soft smile graze his face as he took in Kurt's family and the unspoken promise that things would be slowly returning to a state of normalcy.
