SEARCHING

I am searching, searching for an answer to the questions I will never have. I am going and going,

yet I do not know where. I am racing against time, yet my watch is standing still. Why do I feel as

if I must go? Where do I belong? What is this feeling? It is not love, anger, hatred, or grief. It is a

feeling I know oh so well, yet I do not know why I feel this. I am trying, trying but what I am

trying to do I do not know. I am trapped, trapped in a bubble of feelings. Feelings that I do not

wish to feel. I am feeling so much so fast I feel as if I am being swallowed alive by these feelings.

These feelings are not good, they are feelings such as hurt, sadness, disappointment, anger,

hatred, rage and anxiety. Though I feel these feelings, they are not for my loved ones, they are for

me. I feel so much that I am coming apart, as if every feeling is a knot inside of me, being untied.

Each knot, another knot on the rope of life. I cannot deal, not with myself, therefore, how can I

be expected to deal with others? I cannot deal with the people that I love and care about because

dealing with them hurts, not me, but them. I hurt the people I love because they expect so much

from me. Though to them it is not much, to me, it seems as if it is the whole universe, and though

I try to give and give, I know, I am in return taking and taking. I cannot continue this way. Why

hurt the people I love, they cannot help the way I am, hell I cannot help the way I am. They just

never know what to expect from me. The moment they think they have me figured out, bam . . . I

lay something else down to baffle them. Why can't I just be normal? Why do I feel they way I

do? I am so angry right now that if someone were to merely touch me, I think I may explode.

What can I do to alter this "Life" as I know it? How can I change to make myself a better person?

How can I change to make others love me? Why am I so damn hard to love? What is it in my life

that distracts me so? I know it must be something, yet I cannot think of a single thing that it could

be. My mind is racing, yet I cannot pinpoint a single thought. My heart is pounding so hard in my

chest that I feel it may burst. My breathing is so heavy that I feel as though I may faint. My entire

body is shaking, shaking with anger and the fear of never knowing the reasons why. All of this

for what, I do not know. Why do I get this way? Will I ever find out the answers to the questions

I so desperately yearn to know? ...