WOW! Thanks for all the great feedback. Talk about loading some fuel on the fire! I was remiss in thanking Kathy for all her ideas and help in putting this together, including the search for a title. Thanks Kath! Oh, BTW, I borrowed Nick again.
Memories or Nightmares - Chapter 2
Sheppard was glad for the late hour – or maybe the early hour, depending on how you looked at it. The only person he saw in the hall leading to the infirmary was a guard, who didn't pay much attention once he saw who it was. Sheppard pressed the towel to his neck as he stepped into the infirmary, looking around for Dr. Strauhan.
"Colonel, what can I do for you?" Dr. Nick Strauhan smiled as he walked up to Sheppard, taking note of the uneasy expression on the man's face and the cloth he held against his neck.
"I . . . I cut my neck." Sheppard didn't really know what to say. How do you tell someone you clawed yourself bloody during a nightmare without appearing to be stark raving insane? He liked Nick, but he wasn't quite ready to admit what he'd done just yet.
"Come over here and let's take a look." Nick led Sheppard over to an exam table and turned on the overhead light. "Have a seat and let me see what we've got."
Sheppard inched his way up on the table using his left hand for support while his right continued to hold the towel in place. Nick stood and looked at him a few seconds.
"You'll have to remove that if you want me to actually see the injury," Nick said gently, feeling the tension radiate through the man as he placed a hand on Sheppard's arm. Sheppard nodded and dropped his arm, pulling the towel away from his neck and revealing several deep lacerations running vertically on the right side of his neck. Nick winced. "Ow."
"You got that right," said Sheppard.
Nick examined Sheppard's neck for several moments. "Okay, I need to get that cleaned and bandaged. This will be easier for both of us if you're horizontal, so lay down on your left side while I get some things together."
Kelly appeared and helped Sheppard get situated on his side. Laying a clean towel underneath him and draping a second one around the base of his neck, she had him ready by the time Nick returned with a tray.
"Okay, Colonel, you just relax while I get this cleaned and disinfected. Care to tell me what happened?" Nick began to carefully clean the still oozing wound.
Sheppard grit his teeth against the burning of the disinfectant and the pain of just having the wound touched. "Would you believe . . . cut myself shaving?" he asked through clenched teeth.
Nick worked silently for several seconds. "If you did this shaving, then it's way past time for a new razor. Try again."
Sheppard sighed and then moaned softly, clutching the edge of the exam table as Nick hit a particularly sensitive spot.
"Sorry," Nick said. "That was the deepest part." Nick studied Sheppard's neck for several seconds. "I guess we can go without stitches – it's kind of borderline. I'll put some butterflies on it, but you'll need to avoid heavy lifting and anything strenuous for the next couple of days or you'll pull it loose."
Sheppard finally relaxed as Nick finished cleaning the injury and Kelly dabbed a cloth around the wound site, drying the surrounding skin. Sheppard lay still as Nick applied some butterflies to the deeper cuts and then prepared to put the dressing on.
"So, are you going to fill me in on what happened? Actually, let me guess and you can tell me if I'm right or wrong. Judging from the looks of this and the placement on your neck, I'd say you had a pretty realistic nightmare about a certain bug trying to suck the life out of you."
Sheppard was silent as Nick and Kelly finished taping the bandage to his neck. Why were all the doctors in Atlantis psychic? Kelly then took the tray and the bloody towel and left. Nick helped Sheppard carefully sit up, trying not to pull on his neck. Nick pulled the stool up to sit in front of the pilot.
"You want to talk about it?"
"Not really. It's like you said - stupid nightmare. Guess it was a little too realistic."
"Colonel, that was over a year ago. Do you have these nightmares often?"
"No, actually I haven't had a "buggy" one in a while. There was in incident earlier today . . . uh, well, actually it was yesterday, now. Anyway, one of my new troops was under the impression that the best way to fast-track his career was to throw a big, plastic bug on me as a "meet and greet" joke and it just kind of brought everything back. I haven't thought about . . . the bug incident in a while and it caught me off guard. I'll be okay now."
Nick nodded. "Yeah, having a traumatic event thrown back in your face like that can sure bring up old demons you thought were long ago buried. I suppose this means that your newbie hasn't actually endeared himself to his CO and is about to become very familiar with scrubbing floors with a toothbrush?"
John smiled at the thought. "I wish Doc, but we don't actually do that anymore . . . well, I don't. No, Airman Kramer has pretty much got the "picture" so to speak and I don't think he'll forget in a long while." He started to stand up. "Thanks for the chat Nick, but I think I'll try and hit the sack again, might be able to salvage a couple of hours of shut-eye."
Nick nodded at the plan. "I can give you a little something to help you sleep, if you like."
Sheppard looked at his watch. "No, I've got a briefing in a few hours and I don't really need to sleep through it. I'll take a rain check on that."
"Well, hang tight a minute and at least let me give you some heavy duty ibuprofen for the pain. You're going to be feeling that for a few days. I'm putting you on light duty. You'll need to come in daily for a dressing change so we can watch for infection and see if you need anything stronger. One of us will let you know when you're back to regular duty."
Sheppard sighed. "I guess that means Elizabeth will have to know."
"I'm afraid so. She'll understand, Colonel. Not to worry. Sit tight and I'll be right back." Nick headed across the infirmary.
Sheppard absently fingered the edge of the bandage and couldn't help but notice it was almost exactly the same as it had been over a year ago, after the iratus bug had been removed from his neck. "I hate those bugs," he muttered.
oOo
Sheppard stood outside the conference room, trying to see who was already there. He spotted Rodney, getting his laptop set up while sipping his coffee. Leaning around the doorframe a bit, he saw Ronon and Teyla talking in one corner. He leaned the other way, trying to see if Elizabeth was there yet. He didn't see her, which meant Beckett or Strauhan were probably on the radio to her, filling her in on his little problem.
"Colonel."
He jumped at the sound of the voice behind him.
"Are you looking for anyone in particular?"
He turned to find Elizabeth smiling smugly at having startled him. "Uh, just trying to figure out if I was late."
"You aren't. How's your neck?"
He looked at her for several seconds, trying to read her expression. Dang, she was good. No wonder she was a fierce negotiator. "Who called you?"
"I've actually talked to both Carson and Nick. I understand you are limited to light duty for the next few days."
"Yeah, that's what they tell me, too."
Her expression softened a little. "John, are you okay?"
Sheppard smiled. "I'm okay. Just a . . . vivid dream."
Elizabeth eyed him in such a way as to let him know she didn't really believe that. "All right. We'd better get in there before they send out a search party."
Sheppard nodded and stood back, allowing her to enter first. He looked at the floor as he quickly made his way over to the first empty seat, knowing the question that was coming.
"Hi, Colonel. Nice of you and Dr. Weir to join us. I was just about to . . . what's wrong with your neck?"
Sheppard brought his eyes up to meet McKay's frown, aware that Ronon and Teyla were now also looking at him. He tried to seem nonchalant as he answered. "It's nothing. Accidentally cut myself."
He looked away from McKay, signaling that the conversation had ended, but McKay continued to stare. "That's weird. Same place as where the iratus bug attached itself. Wow, what a day that was." He grinned as he looked back to his computer. "Good thing I was aboard to save the day."
"Yes, it was very fortunate that you and Aiden were aboard that day," said Teyla, smiling.
McKay sighed. "Okay, so Ford helped."
Elizabeth noted Sheppard rubbing absently at the edge of the bandage with a distant look in his eyes. "Let's get back to the present. The mission to P4X-887 has been moved back a few days. Dr. Beckett tells me that Colonel Sheppard is to remain on light duty the next couple of days due to his injury. We can go ahead and work out the mission details today, but I'll contact you when we have a go date so we can touch base."
When they dismissed an hour later, Sheppard let everyone else file out ahead of him. He made an act of looking through the folder of information about the upcoming mission until all but Elizabeth had departed. He had the distinct impression she was waiting on him, so he tried to act like he didn't notice as he rose to leave.
"John, we need to talk a minute."
Sheppard sighed and dropped back in his seat. "I know what you're going to say and I don't need to see Kate."
Elizabeth smiled. "You think you have me pegged, don't you?"
He looked up at her, studying her face again. "Are you telling me that's not what you were going to suggest?"
Elizabeth turned up one side of her mouth in a smirk. "Okay, so that is what I was going to say. But don't think of it as a suggestion, think of it as an order."
Sheppard leaned forward, resting his forehead in his hands. He'd known it would come from Beckett or Elizabeth, and yet he had continued to hope that he was wrong. "I don't need to talk to her. It was one nightmare."
"John, people don't shred their neck during the average nightmare."
He looked up angrily. 'Yeah, well people don't generally have giant bugs try to suck the life out of them only to survive and almost turn into a bug themselves, either. I don't know if you've noticed or not, but things don't work here like they worked on earth. No amount of talking to Kate is going to change that."
"Yes, I know that things work differently here. I also know that that puts a lot of extra stress on everyone, but especially on people like you and me. We are in charge, John. We are responsible for everyone else here and we have to keep it together. I need you to be healthy. I need you to be at your best, both mentally and physically. Everyone here does."
Sheppard sat looking at her. He knew she was right – that was one reason why he'd gone to the infirmary last night. But he didn't see how talking to Kate about the nightmare that was sometimes his life fit in with that picture. He also knew Elizabeth had made up her mind. He picked his battles and this was one he would never win. "Fine, I'll go see her. It's a big waste of time that I could use to do something valuable for the city, but I'll go cry on her shoulder because I had a nightmare if that'll make you happy." He got up to leave, angry and not caring that she noticed.
John, the definition of "happy" for me, will be when I know you're comfortable in your own skin. I'll be "happy" when you actually appreciate and understand that not myself, nor Carson, nor Nick, and not even Kate for that matter is doing any of this other than to help you because we care about you." She paused before continuing. "If you can't understand and accept that, well - maybe just continue to look at things from your own point of view. It's what you need to do to go through the gate again."
Sheppard didn't respond. He picked up his folder and stormed out of the conference room, almost knocking the chair over as he went. Elizabeth sighed. Sometimes she hated her job.
oOo
Sheppard grimaced as he settled into the chair across from Kate Heightmeyer. He didn't have anything against her personally. She seemed a very nice and caring member of the expedition. But Sheppard was a very private person and he didn't like anyone trying get beyond what he projected for them to see. Who and what he was inside was his business and no one else's.
Sheppard leaned back in the chair and stretched his legs out before him, crossing his right leg over his left. He crossed his arms and looked across the desk at Dr. Heightmeyer, watching her watch him. "So," he said easily, "what would you like me to say?"
Heightmeyer smiled, comfortable with his almost hidden discomfort. "Why don't you tell me about your nightmare."
Sheppard frowned and shifted in the chair, lowering his gaze to the floor. "Look, long story short, one of my new guys thought it would be cute to start off with a joke. He threw a big plastic bug on me that was somewhat like the iratus bug that latched itself onto my neck a while ago. It . . . caught me off guard a little and I ended up having a nightmare about it. In my dream, I was trying to get the thing off me and I guess I clawed my neck up a bit in the process. It was just one of those things. I'm okay and it won't happen again." After a few seconds, he lifted his eyes to meet hers, judging her reaction.
"Well, that was short and to the point. How do you feel about what happened?"
Sheppard tilted his head. "How do I feel about what? The bug or the dream?"
"I was referring to the dream, but you can discuss the bug incident if you'd like."
Sheppard winced and fingered the bandage on his neck. "I'd rather not. We've already covered that, remember? As to the dream . . . it was scary at the time, but it's over. It was just a dream and I know that. I don't know what you want me to say."
"How do you feel about going to sleep tonight?"
Sheppard felt a bit like he'd been sucker punched, because he hadn't considered that yet. He had no prepared answer, so he sat silently, thinking about what she'd asked. "I . . . I don't know. Hadn't thought about that yet." He looked up to find her looking at him and knew he had to give an answer. "I'll be fine. Like I said, it was just a dream." The mask of ease returned.
And Heightmeyer was fully aware of what had just happened. "Colonel, I hope you realize that in light of your experiences with the iratus bug and the retrovirus, the reaction you experienced is not all that unusual. I just want to ensure that it isn't a source of long-term problems."
John started to interrupt her but she wasn't finished. "Colonel, I appreciate that you are the ranking military officer of this city and in all matters relating to that, I have no problem deferring to your expertise and direction. It might actually surprise you to know that I may just have one or two tricks up my sleeve in my "lowly" position of "the Shrink of Atlantis", however. If you're going to continue to avoid my expertise and treat me like a pariah, well, you'll be putting yourself in a difficult situation whichever way you want to look at it."
Sheppard sighed. "Look, I know you're just trying to help – and . . . I'm sure, I mean I know Kate, that you are extremely skilled. I know that, but I really think this was a one time event and that I'm fine. I just need some time to bring things back into focus."
Heightmeyer nodded and eyed him quietly for a moment. "All right. I'll sign off with Elizabeth if you'll promise to let me know if anything else like this occurs or if you continue to have problems – nightmares, flashbacks, unusual fears, anything like that."
Sheppard nodded, surprised that he was getting off this easily. He stood to leave and then turned back to Heightmeyer. "Thanks."
She smiled and nodded. "Just remember your promise."
oOo
Sheppard squinted his eyes closed and clenched his jaw as Beckett probed and cleaned the wounds on his neck. He hissed and dug his fingers into the sheet covering the exam table. "Doc!"
"Sorry, Colonel. Just making sure you don't get infected. I wonder if we should have put stitches in this one," Beckett said, more to himself than Sheppard.
"It's fine, Doc. Just put the bandage on, already." Sheppard was quickly losing both patience and pain tolerance for this whole ordeal. He was considering stealing some bandages and changing his own, in a slightly less painful way.
"Okay, we can put a fresh dressing on now."
"Thank goodness," Sheppard whispered. He closed his eyes while Beckett put the fresh dressing on his neck, trying to slow his breathing and heart rate back to a normal level. He briefly thought it might have been less painful to just shoot himself in the neck.
"All done, Colonel. You can sit up, now."
Sheppard carefully pulled himself into a sitting position and gripped the side of the bed as the room began spinning. He closed his eyes against the wave of dizziness and felt Beckett's hand on his shoulder, steadying him. It settled after a few seconds and he opened his eyes, moving his gaze to meet Beckett's.
"Thanks, Doc. I'm okay now."
Beckett nodded. "Did you get any sleep last night?"
The lie came easily to his lips, but he stopped it. "Not much. Is it that obvious?"
Beckett smiled. "Only when you know what to look for . . . and I do. Do you need something stronger for the pain?"
Sheppard sighed. "No, I wish it was that easy. To tell you the truth, I was just so wound up from what happened the night before, that I couldn't relax. Then, when I finally did go to sleep, I woke up an hour later after dreaming about the iratus bug again. Fortunately I didn't do any damage this time."
They sat silently for a few moments. "You aren't going to like this, but maybe you –"
"I've already talked to Kate about this. Elizabeth didn't give me a choice. You two are always on the same page about that. Are you guys getting kickbacks from her or something? Anyway, it didn't do any good, just like I told her. Talking to Kate doesn't make it go away, it doesn't change anything."
Beckett considered what he'd said. "It may not make it go away, but sometimes talking can help a person deal with a situation like that. And in the end, that's what we have to do. We have to learn to live with these things and not let them eat us up."
"I have dealt with it – over a year ago. And I can do it again. I just do better if I handle things in my own way and in my own time." Sheppard smiled. "I never was very good at sharing."
Beckett sighed. "All right, Colonel, at least for now. But if I see you're continuing to have problems, we'll have to intervene. For now, would you like something to help you sleep at night?"
"No, I'd rather not. Let me try doing it my way first. I should be tired enough tonight to sleep on my own."
"Okay, let me know if you change your mind. I'll expect to see you this time tomorrow and remember, no heavy lifting or strenuous activity."
Sheppard pressed his hand gently against his bandaged neck as he slid off the table. "I know, Doc. It hurts too much to disobey you, so don't worry."
Beckett watched as Sheppard gingerly walked out of the infirmary. "I always worry about my patients," said Beckett to himself. "Especially those of you with a penchant for trouble."
oOo
Sheppard stood staring out at the waves rolling below. He briefly wondered if this balcony had been the refuge of some Ancient in the same way it was to him. A quiet place to watch the moonlight dance across the cresting waves and wish that life was always so simple. He smiled at the thought, forming an image in his mind.
He fingered the bandage on his neck. He didn't really need it any more, but he kept it on to hide the nature of the injury. It had healed nicely over the past few days, but it still looked like he'd clawed his own neck. Beckett had let him keep it covered longer than necessary, knowing full well the reasoning behind the actions. He had promised himself that the dressing came off in the morning and he'd just have to keep his collar pulled up a bit until it faded some more.
The sound of the doors opening brought his thoughts of quiet solitude to a screeching halt. "Colonel? Are you out here?"
Sheppard didn't have to turn to know it was McKay. "Yeah, I'm here."
McKay joined him at the rail, drinking in the scene before he broke the silence yet again. "What's going on with you?"
"Nothing's going on with me. You were at the briefing this afternoon, same as me. I'm cleared for duty and we go to P4X-887 in the morning." He felt McKay looking at him, but refused to turn and make eye contact.
"That's not what I mean," McKay said quietly. "What really happened to your neck, because it's suspiciously close to where the iratus bug bit you and Carson and Elizabeth have been very hush-hush about it."
"Why can't you just let it go?"
"Because I'm on your team and if there's a problem, I have a right to know about it. My life is at stake every time we go on a mission, same as yours. If there's something going on with you, I think I should know what it is."
Sheppard finally turned to face McKay. "Fine." Sheppard reached up and ripped the bandage from his neck, causing McKay to wince. He wondered if he should feel guilty about scaring McKay, but the truth was that he got a certain amount of satisfaction from the shocked look on the scientist's face.
"I had a nightmare about the iratus bug being attached to my neck and apparently I tried to remove it in my sleep. Both Beckett and Heightmeyer have cleared me for duty. Do you have any more questions? Would you like a rundown of my dietary and bathroom habits so you can make sure everything's working okay, perhaps you'd like to check if I'm keeping my finger nails trimmed? I wouldn't want you to worry in the field tomorrow?" Sheppard kept his voice calm and even throughout the entire delivery, further confusing McKay.
"I . . . uh, no . . . I mean . . . " McKay was surprised at the site of the injury, at the cause of the injury, and at Sheppard's calm confession. Suddenly he felt a little like a snoop and a rather childish one at that. Although he'd suspected what the real story behind the injury was, hearing Sheppard tell it made him ashamed he had asked.
"I'm tired, McKay, and we have an early start. I'll see you in the gateroom at 0700." Sheppard exited the balcony rather quickly, leaving McKay feeling strangely guilty and alone.
TBC
