Not the most eventful chapter I'm afraid, but Erik has some insecurity issues to deal with that can't be ignored. I appreciate those of you who sent me reviews so much. Please keep reviewing and enjoy!
Chapter 22
Erik was very careful not to make a sound as he crept around his dark home beneath the opera having just returned from meeting with Nadir. He did not want Meg to wake up and see him sneaking around fully dressed with his cloak on, and then start asking questions about his whereabouts. He wanted everything to be a wonderful surprise for her. Erik was so extremely pleased with all the arrangements that he and Nadir had made for the wedding that he had almost been able to forget about the miserable Marquis de Condorcet and his foul obsession with Meg.
Except for hundreds of guests, Erik was going to give Meg a wedding that most young women could only ever dream about. He had given Nadir more than enough money to procure all the things that he insisted he have for Meg. He would spare no expense; she had to have the very best of everything. Nadir was absolutely shocked when Erik told him about the ring he was to purchase for her. It was a ring that had once belonged to the Persian Princess Parysatis, and it would cost a small fortune. But in Erik's eyes, Meg was a princess, and he wanted to give her something that would remind her everyday that there was nothing he would not do for her. The ring was an immense emerald embellished with elegant diamonds, and it would announce to any man who dare look her way that she was very much taken.
Erik put his cloak and jacket in Christine's old room, which Meg had started referring to as that room, or the other room. He could not help but notice her twinge of jealously every time she mentioned it. He decided to look in on her while she slept mostly because he just longed to gaze upon the face of the woman he loved. He quietly opened the door to his room, thrilled to know that it was not empty as it had been for so many years. Erik would never take for granted the wonderful feeling of having someone to come home to. He looked in the dim candlelight for the sight of Meg's tiny frame asleep in his bed, and what he saw made his heart felt as though it had fallen from his chest. The covers of his bed were ruffled where Meg had been lying, but she was no longer fast asleep where he had left her several hours ago.
Erik yelled Meg's name a few times, but his only response was his own faint echo, and a deafening silence that seemed to be mocking him.
Erik felt instantaneously weak all over, and he dropped to his knees as he glared at the empty bed before him. Meg was gone; he knew she could not be in the other room, because that is where he had just put his cloak and jacket. Erik's worst fears seemed to be coming true. She must have left him…escaped. Erik felt as though a huge weight was being forced down on his throat, and he could barely get enough air to breathe.
He began to question everything that he had thought to be real only seconds before. Could everything she said have been a trick to help her get away from him, he wondered frantically. Had he been a complete fool to ever think that she could love him or want to marry him?
Of course you are a fool, he told himself. She is young, beautiful and talented; anyone would love her. She could have her pick of any man in France. You are a hideous old beast who lives in the dark basements of the opera, what reason would she ever have for loving you? She ran from you at the very first opportunity that arose, he thought disgusted with himself.
Feeling utterly vanquished and destroyed, Erik crumbled to the floor in front of the bed that Meg once slept in. He could not even muster any anger in his tired beaten heart. Only agonizing pain enveloped him. He hid his masked face in his hands and wept on the cold stone floor much like he had when he was a child. The memories of rejection from his youth washed over his broken spirit. Although he was completely alone, he felt as though the whole world was laughing at the pitiful monster who thought he found love.
His next thought was even more agonizing. Perhaps Meg actually was engaged to the Marquis, and she had just lied to him so she could get back to the man she really loved and planned to marry. Erik's heart felt as though it were being stabbed over and over again. This was too much misery…even for him.
He finally lifted himself up from the floor; his only motivation now was to end his suffering for good. He simply did not have the strength left in him to live through the loss of Meg. Erik could still see her dark eyes and smell her alluring skin as if she were right in front of him. Strangely, he felt no anger towards her as tears poured down his half mangled face. He could not expect her to give up her life for him, only a wretched piece of a man. She had given him more happiness than he had ever known, and he would leave his tormented existence with the memory of her face and touch in his mind.
Erik stumbled towards his music room blinded by tears where he decided he would play one last piece of music before putting a revolver to his aching head. He could not leave his only true lifetime companion without saying goodbye. He wondered what his last piece should be only for a moment, and then resolved to play something that he knew Meg would have adored. Her dance melody from Samson et Delilah would be the perfect way to imagine her gracefully moving like a fairy across the stage before he met his final demise.
Erik walked to the familiar sight of his organ as he longed for death to relieve him. He was half way across the room when he was stopped dead in his tracks. Lying on the chase in the corner was a small mound covered in a white blanket. Hanging down from the hidden mass were long blond locks of hair. Logically, Erik knew that it must be Meg, but he was too terrified to allow himself to believe it.
"Meg," he whispered choking on his salty tears.
He saw her begin to stir; she stretched slightly and then pulled down the blanket that had been almost covering her entire head. She blinked her eyes and pushed her hair away from her face.
"Erik," she said sleepily as her eyes met his. "Erik, where were you?" she asked still groggy, and a little confused.
When Meg was able to focus on him in the light of only the low burning candle she had used earlier, she realized that something was awfully wrong.
"Erik, what has happened? You look so terribly upset," she said getting up from the chase and rushing towards him.
He did not speak a word; he only stared at her as he wept uncontrollably.
She wrapped her hands around his neck and embraced him. He was sobbing so hard that his entire body was shaking. Meg had no idea what had happened to hurt him so grievously, but she could not bear to watch him suffer this way. It was hard for her to imagine what could have occurred to the strong dominant man she loved to make him weep in such a violent manner.
"Erik," she said holding his reddened damp face in her delicate hands, "Erik, my love, what is the matter? Please tell me, nothing in the world pains me more than seeing you hurt like this."
He still did not speak, but tears continued to fall from his eyes. Meg's heart was breaking for him, and she did not know what was wrong or what to do. It made her feel completely helpless. Instinctually, she began to kiss his uncovered cheek. His skin was salty and moist from weeping.
"Oh, please Erik, what can I do? What has happened? Can you please tell me?" she begged wanting to know how to help him.
Erik held her tightly, but he seemed unable to say anything. Meg continued to hold him as she tried to wipe away his tears.
"I was so worried about you," she said. "I woke up because I had an awful nightmare about…before… at the inn. I went to find you, and I thought you might be composing, so I sat down on the chase, and I guess I fell back to sleep. Where were you Erik? What went on that has made you so bereaved?" she asked.
"I… I thought…when you weren't….I thought you left me," he said breathlessly, choking on his tears.
"Left you? Is that why you are so grief-stricken? Erik, I will never leave you. Why would you think such a thing?" she said looking into his bloodshot eyes. "I love you. I would rather die than live without you. I want to spend my life with you Erik, the last thing I would ever want is to loose you."
"But why Meg? Why do love me? I have every reason in the world to love you, but there is no logical reason for you to even want to be in same room with me. I am such a despicable creature, so old and repulsive, why would you want to waste your life with me?" he asked loathing every aspect of his being.
Meg looked lovingly at Erik and smiled as she brushed his black hair away from his face, "Oh Erik, my dark fantome of the opera, if you could only see yourself in my eyes, you would look upon such a flawless reflection."
"Meg, I'm serious," Erik said trying to steady his breathing, but she did not let him continue.
"No…I am serious. Erik, you must stop seeing yourself as some kind of monster. This view could not be further from the truth. Don't you realize that every time I close my eyes I see your face? Do you know that I have memorized every detail of your eyes and lips and hair and skin? I am amazed by your talent, your passion, and your sheer brilliance. The sound of your voice makes me feel like I am floating and I will never touch the earth again. Every second that I am in your presence I feel hot and dizzy with lust. There is simply nothing about you that I do not love and adore…nothing."
Erik started to speak, but then his eyes became glassy with tears once more. Meg stood up on her tip toes and kissed him softly. She very tenderly traced the outside of his lips with her tongue, and then tenuously began to kiss him more deeply. She could feel his grasp around her waist tightening, and she was just glad that she had been able to calm his fears if only for a moment.
She pulled away from him slowly and looked into his cool green eyes that were exhausted from weeping. She cupped his face in her hands.
"Erik, I want you to do something for me, my love," she said compassionately.
"Meg, you know I will do anything you desire, anything," he replied still sounding beaten down and miserable.
"I want you to look me in my eyes and tell me that you know I love you more than anything in the world. I want you to say out loud that you know in your heart that I want to be your wife, and that I will never leave you. I want to hear you say it," she said firmly.
"Meg, I don't know if I can," he said casting his eyes to the floor.
"Why Erik? Is it because you don't believe that I love you, or is it because you feel that you do not deserve to be loved?"
"I don't know, perhaps both," he replied feeling like a school boy being lectured.
"Well, we are not leaving this room until you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I love you. So what exactly am I going to have to do to prove it?" Meg said with great conviction.
She wanted to settle this once and for all. She refused to marry a man who did not truly believe she loved him. Even though she understood why this was so difficult for him, she also could not have him doubting her feelings for the rest of their lives.
"You don't have to do anything Meg, I am just glad you are still here," he said.
"Erik, I will not spend my life with a man who is always wondering when I am going to leave, or what I could possibly want with him. That is no way to start a marriage. So what will make you believe I love you? I will do anything, right here, right now. You can have my body, my soul, whatever you want."
Erik looked down and said nothing. Meg was beginning to get frustrated. She needed some kind of reaction from him. She walked over to a small shelf adjacent to the organ and picked up a tiny blade, she held it in her hands and looked straight into Erik's eyes.
"Shall I bleed myself until you know I love you, starve myself, or cut off all my hair? Tell me Erik, what do I need to do?" she said quite dramatically.
"Put that down!" he said, pulling the blade from her hand and then placing it back on the shelf. "I don't want you to hurt yourself or suffer to prove you love me, Meg," he said getting very perturbed with her. He could hardly believe how determined she could get.
"Alright, then what shall I do? Erik, until you can look into my eyes and say that you know I love you, I am going to keep asking, over and over, and over again."
"Meg, I just cannot understand it! Don't you see? I will never understand why you would love me, or why you would be willing to endure my touch as disgraceful as I am," he said heatedly.
Meg walked over to him and kissed him solidly on the lips. Then she looked at him with her beckoning dark eyes.
"I love you…I love you, and I want to be your wife. I would like to endure your touch as you say right at this very moment, and everyday for the rest of my life," she said still keeping her eyes locked with his.
Her words washed away the pain and self loathing in Erik's heart momentarily, but it was not long before his doubts came rushing back into his mind. He didn't know if he would ever be able to say that he knew Meg loved him and would never leave him. But hearing her tell him made him feel renewed, if only briefly.
"Say it Meg," he whispered.
"I love you, Erik."
"Say it again," he said more strongly this time.
"I love you, and I want to marry you," she said looking deep into his fair green eyes.
"Meg, if you truly wish for me to know you love me, I will need to hear you say it over and over again every time you feel it," he said as he pulled her near him. "I want you to tell me every feeling you ever have for me, and everything you ever want or need from me. I will never hear it enough, Meg, never."
Meg began to feel lightheaded as she felt his powerful arms wrapped around her, if he needed her to tell him to believe that she loved him, she would tell him endlessly.
"I love you so much, Erik, you make me feel so…so….," she leaned her head up longing for him to kiss her but he didn't.
"So what…Meg? Tell me, I need to hear you say it, I need to know what you want and what you feel," he said in her ear as his voice made her senses start reeling.
"So….wanting," she said finally.
"Wanting of what, Meg, tell me," he gently demanded.
"Wanting of your kiss and your touch," she said.
Erik leaned in and kissed her passionately. His tongue whirled in her warm mouth, and he embraced her tightly; he too began to feel lightheaded with desire. He began to kiss the smooth creamy skin of her neck and collar bone. Meg started to feel a burning heat in the pit of her stomach, but then she remembered what he had said to her the last time she had fallen victim to his seductive touch.
"Erik I love you, my darling. I am afraid if we continue I may beg for you to violate me despite our being unwed," she said in reference to their previous encounter when they had taken things too far.
Erik stopped caressing her neck with his mouth because he knew that she was right.
"I am afraid that if you asked me, I would not be able to refuse," he admitted honestly.
"Meg, I want to be able to say….what you want me say, but it may take time. I've spent my entire life believing that I would never receive anyone's love," he said as he ran his fingers through her silken hair.
"Erik, if hearing it is what you need, I will tell you until you grow tired of me saying it," she said smiling.
"I am certain, my dear, that day will never come," he responded also finally slightly smiling. "As much as it pains me to say it, I think we should probably calm ourselves and try to go to sleep. It is the middle of the night, after all."
"Will you lay with me and hold me while we sleep?" Meg asked hoping he would agree.
"Marguerite, I told you once before that I am only a man of flesh and blood, and feeling your body next to mine while lying in bed would no doubt ensure the demise of our pure wedding night."
Meg nodded, she knew what he said was true. With great ease, Erik swept Meg up into his arms and carried her back to his bed. He laid her down and pulled the blankets up over her for the second time that night.
"I will never stop loving you Erik," Meg said as he looked down over her.
"I don't deserve you to have you," Erik said, immediately realizing that these were not the ideal choice of words.
Meg eyes shot daggers at him, "Erik that is exactly what I mean, you absolutely do deserve me, and I do not want to hear otherwise" she said crossly, but affectionately.
"Marguerite, you must comprehend that even if I begin to truly believe in your love for me, I will never stop being astonished it," he said as he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.
As he sat next to her, he tried to allow himself to accept that she could really want and love only him. He had to duel with his own mind to keep all the reasons it could not be true from screaming in his head. He vowed at that moment that he would always try to trust in her, no matter how hard it was for him. In only a few days, she would be his wife, and perhaps then, he would really be able to have faith in her love for him.
