As the rain continued to pour, Umekiyo sat watching it.
But not all that calmly.
Her hands were balled tightly, so tightly, that she could feel the crescent shape of her nails threatening to break the skin of her palms.
But that was fine, she reasoned, as it was keeping her from losing her mind from the feeling of unreasonable panic wishing to burst from her.
Reason it out. She'd told herself to try and quell the tightness of her chest and the fact that she was forcing her breathing to remain even. Reason it out.
But instead of working the way she needed, it became a mantra repeated over and over in the recesses of her mind instead of allowing her to actually figure out why she felt like something was horribly wrong.
She felt ill in her stomach due to the anxiousness.
Reason it out. Reason it…reason it out. Reason. It. Out. Rea-
"Uchiha."
She tensed as a shaky and hitched breath caught in her throat and her heart pounded like the fastest taiko drum beat she'd ever heard and she could feel how wide her eyes had gone.
"Uchiha." He called again with that irritated impatience she knew him to gain when she ignored him.
Only this time not on purpose.
"Uch-" he started again, but against her will and against her best attempts, her hands went to her ears as she curled into herself, gasping for the oxygen her body tricked itself into thinking it needed as the panic she fought to keep at bay gained it's foothold.
She felt her hands curl into the strands of hair by her ears, digging in and tugging at the same time as she fought to take in a deep breath as opposed to the ragged uneven ones her body was sucking in.
Panic clouded her mind so much so that she couldn't even form an actual cohesive thought.
Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Became the new echo as her left hand lowered to her neck only for the nails to be dug into her old scar.
She pressed the top of her head harshly into the cool stone as a way to potentially use that chilled, lower temperature to calm down.
Something she'd learned a long time ago was that the cold or anything chilled sometimes could at least help slow her frantic heartbeat and help calm her hyperventilation.
Sometimes.
And then there were other times where nothing but digging her nails so deep into her own flesh that she bled worked.
Or even when on a mission where she could focus all of her energy on her tasks at hand and be able to organize and compartmentalize and just focus on something.
But then when that snake reared it's head at times like these, it was almost like nothing could ever help.
Madara, Izuna, Tajima, and Mugetsu all had their own ways in which to assist her at these times, but instead of any one of them being here..
Umekiyo felt something pull her so easily, she could only think of a child's doll at first.
At first.
Her already frayed and panicked state became more so as she tried to rip away in any which way she could just to get away.
But because she was so focused on her all encompassing panicked anxiety, she didn't realize what exactly was happening until her body was somewhat flung and she was suddenly submerged in what felt like icicles.
Uchiha Umekiyo felt as though everything stilled for just a moment before she pushed upwards and breathed in and gasped for air, coughing water out in the process.
She blinked wide eyes around soaked black strands plastered on her face at the bank to see Senju Tobirama standing there with loosely folded arms and red eyes watching like a hawk despite the fact that the rain was pelting down, soaking him completely.
She felt shame and embarrassment assault her and took in the first deep breath she'd had in probably no more than seven minutes and ducked right back down, allowing the water to completely submerge her again.
And as her hair floated around, she also felt anger surface.
At mostly herself, at the fact that this happened for the second time in his presence, but also at the fact that he was still recovering from her surgical reopening of his injury and had physically exerted himself, chancing for it to become yet again open or even infected.
Again.
And so she made her way towards the bank under the water only to slowly surface right in front of him and climb out with a huff and walked past him while moving her hair out of her face.
I'd be pulling your ass in if it weren't for that fucki-
"Even had you tried, Uchiha, you would not have succeeded."
And she stopped in her tracks and turned to him slowly with a shocked and confused expression on her face.
He frowned at her and stepped forward, expression almost mocking, "Unless you've
mastered using water jutsu and have the same amount of chakra reserves as I."
She felt the right side of her face just twitch at him before she was looking away again with gritted teeth and narrowed eyes, ignoring the urge to form Sharingan.
She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes with a furrowed brow, doing her utmost best to calm the uncomfortable anger she still harbored.
She looked back to him out of the corner of her eye, noticing how his observing eyes were narrowed further than normal as if he was trying to figure something out.
She turned back to him with a tilt of her head and a raised brow just a moment before she sighed and somewhat hesitantly reached to his wrist and turned, tugging, intention clear enough.
So he allowed himself, she knew, to be lead back. We are both well aware I am able to still overpower him, if need be. However, he seems to wish to now use my refusal to activate my kekkai genkai unless needed, against me.
She wasn't sure if she was offended by that or more impressed that he'd figured it out. Then again, part of his danger is that mind of his. Even Izuna-sama has brought such up before.
The first thing she did when they made it back in, was peel off her soaked clothing.
The slapping wet sound from behind her queued her in that he followed suit. She didn't even think on it, really, as she, once again, grabbed the kimono she'd worn just the day before for the exact same issue.
Umekiyo moved off to the side after she tied the knot and found the the black top she had gotten him some time before, one she'd cleaned just that morning, in fact.
She then grabbed a pair of pants and walked towards him and held them to him as he finished stepping out of a different, completely soaked set.
Her eyes didn't even travel with the mix of her own years of expert training and constant exposure. She supposed she'd been desensitized to it.
To the odd curiosityshe was well aware girls held when it came to a man's nude body, including the strange urge to peek just to see what it looked like.
She felt a soft sigh escape as her eyes became unfocused as her mind conjured up quite a few of the men she'd seen in her life, including the many times she trained alongside Madara and Izuna, mainly, and would be just as drenched in sweat as they and they would just casually toss their tops aside and go back at it.
Sweat soaked muscles for all the drooling girls her age and older free to see.
Meanwhile she, and the few other girls, were forced to continue wearing their training clothes in full due to decency and it being frowned upon.
For girls.
That was before, though.
Before she was sent off on that first mission that had almost, almost, completely broke her.
Because in all her different training, from fighting and strategy, from writing until her fingers bore splinters and then some to posture and acting every bit a lady should, from deep undercover infiltration to learning how to sneak without making a single sound, from normal torture methods to just enduring starvation and dehydration…. not a single one time did any of them once, not once, go over that what would be forfeit from her as sacrifice and testament of not just her loyalty and will, but also her very own character, would be the very one thing that is told to every other young woman in not just her own clan, but to all, was sacred, special, and to be reserved for any future husband they might very well gain.
Not once was she told her virginity at an all too ripe age would be stripped of her and she would be forced to endure the humiliation and a whole different type of torture that none dared glance upon.
And since then, since that time, she'd seen so many different builds, different muscular tones (some without any, some with nothing but fat, and more like the man in front of her) as well as the different manhood each one of them were endowed with, and it was also after her return of the third mission, she found herself training hard under not just Tajima's watchful eyes, but also the elders.
It was then that she had shredded her overly formal and priced summer yukata and tossed it aside without regret or remorse or even caring what their thoughts on the matter even were because she didn't see a point in decency, not after those missions solidified her role in the clan and all the other undertakings that were sure to come her way.
Umekiyo shook herself from the memory, though. before she could further let it play out and lose herself to it and brought her mind back to the present as she blinked at the man in front of her, face smoothed to indifference.
Even should I see, I highly doubt it would garner any true response at this point. I should seek an answer on if such reactions are…. perhaps normal for one such as I.
He had glanced at her with that slight frown of his along his lips and his red eyes just slightly narrowed and still full of that burning need to know and understand something.
He took the clothes from her, voice low as he asked while he pulled on the bottom wear, shamelessly not bothering to turn and she vaguely wondered if he was testing her. "Do you wish to look at the wound before I finish dressing?"
She blinked at that, almost hiding her wince at the correct assumption.
She just gave a nod in response and so he chose to sit closer to the fire so as to give her something of a light.
Umekiyo shook her head in the hopes her mind would clear and focus as she checked the injured and previously infected side.
She used the cloth on her unripped sleeve to carefully and gently pat him dry and inspected her handiwork as well as the condition it was now in.
Luckily, there were no tears anywhere in her stitching and she felt him tense as she ran her finger gently down the length before she leaned back with a relieved breath and shifted away from him to the waiting salve she had made earlier in the day.
She used her fingers to place the ointment along the entirety of the area, after making sure his skin was dry, first.
She placed the small wooden box off to the side and reached for his arm, deliberate in her approach as she'd learned over the weeks that too sudden a move would cause him to react defensively.
Which usually meant instinctive attacks towards her person that she would have to dodge and it was becoming far more of a chore to do so than she would like to admit. Though, she was just glad she hadn't had to resort to Sharingan during those small bouts.
She was no fool and knew she might very well have to sooner rather than later with the way he was recovering. But for now and especially in light of the day prior, it would still be some time before that was bound to happen.
Such a cat. She found herself thinking, yet again, as she turned his wrist so that the underneath was facing her. Relieved that he let her without argument this time.
Clear. She wrote out, I can re-bandage you now. Why were you not-
"Uchiha," he started with an incredible amount of tolerance through his gritted teeth as his scarlet eyes remained fixated on a point in front of him., "was it not in your very detailed and explicit instructions that old bandages be changed out often for fresh ones?"
Umekiyo blinked at that and looked to him in some doubt.
There was just a brief pause before his eyes narrowed further and he breathed deeply, vein in his arm tensing, "What else have I to do?"
The Uchiha had to concede that and looked down at his wrist still in her hand, her fingernail absently chasing the vein first one way then the other. Now that you are once again unable to even do a light workout, you mean.
She felt her brows furrow as her ears picked up the sounds of a newly brewing storm just outside beyond the comfort of the crackling fire beside her.
She was unsure how long he let her do this for, but the winds were howling and the rain could be heard, heavy and thick, just outside with the roar of thunder.
"Uchiha." He finally spoke, tone lower than she'd ever heard it before, so much so, that it caught her attention and she turned slightly widened eyes to him.
His features were more on the relaxed side, but still free from expression, almost thoughtful, as he looked down at her.
But what he said, she somehow knew wasn't what he truly wanted to ask. He was like that, she'd figured out. It was almost like he was far too proud to ask a question, yet he practically demanded others do that very thing, even of him, if they wished to know something.
Of course with the exception of that one he'd pestered her with until she gave in and answered him honestly.
"The bandages, before it gets much later."
She stilled at that, almost looking like a guilty child caught doing something they weren't supposed to before she released him and immediately started to diligently wrap fresh bandages around his midsection.
Author's Notes:
So first off, I, do personally, have GAD and social anxieties.
And PTSD.
And Panic Attacks (or Anxiety Attacks, whatever you wish to call them).
And Intrusive Thoughts.
And a slew of other issues related to the all of these things.
And so, maybe it's not the exact same as maybe your own self or perhaps someone you know, or maybe this other handles it differently or some other grounding techniques works better for them (naming things around them they can feel, see, etc, or meditation, or even just listening to nature), as a coping mechanism than pain or self-harm, but that's not the case for everyone. Especially true for those who either were in denial about their issues or knew they had issues, but were not taught proper steps in suppressing or even handling them, and/or, not even realizing that was what the issue was in the first place.
And so I'm not going to argue if anyone tries to point something out that is 'incorrect', because I have gone through the Psych Evals, the guess twenty pills and see what works game, the therapy sessions, what you're supposed to do during a panic attack, how you're supposed to handle day-to-day anxiety, and everything in-between, but only within the last few years after working hard at trying to maintain my anxiety on my own with little payout.
So this is pulled from my very own, very personal, ways in handling my anxiety before I managed to finally stumble upon a cocktail of meds (from a Dr.) that works as well as just lots and lots of self-help techniques as well as a professinal therapist's insight and help.
Lots. Tons.
And before that, it was a good 15 years before I managed to get this proper help and support system. So for the last 15 years of my life, I and my fiance, did everything we could think of to help me in anyway we could. Lots of trial and error and lots of bad habits that stuck and even the therapist just couldn't quite help break me from (digging nails into my hand, namely).
And if any of you wish to PM or comment on your own experience, I am all ears and will keep an open mind.
But just please be aware, this is based on my experiences and mine alone. (And trying to write up a proper anxiety/panic attack is a very hard thing to do since they're hard to even describe, so aplogies on if it's choppy. But to be honest, they themselves, are erratic and choppy, depending).
Stay well, stay safe.
P.S.
Not my intention to rantAND apologies on if it seems that way, at all.
My intention is just to make it clear and understood that this is one of those topics that people tend to try and argue 'just because' with a 'you didn't do this right' or 'you must not know what you're talking about' type of response in mind and it's very exhausting when you literally have lived with these issues for years and just wish to even share your own experiences and some ways to cope with someone in a similar situation or with similar issues who are struggling as well.
As always, if you wish to point out something, please be constructive about it.
If you wish to say something positve, then do so.
If you don't wish to do either, then enjoy and refrain from doing anything.
