Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 12

Carson continued to hold Sheppard's wrist. "Try to wiggle your fingers."

Sheppard's frown deepened. "I can't. I'm trying to tell you I can't move my arm at all. I can't even feel where you're holding my wrist." Sheppard was now sitting up in bed and practically shouting, fear edging his voice.

"Colonel, now calm down. We're going to figure this out." He laid Sheppard's arm back down on the bed and gently pushed him back to a reclining position. "I need everyone out of here, now. Go to the waiting area outside and I'll come out and talk to you in a minute."

McKay was shaking his head before Beckett even finished speaking. "Oh no, we're not going anywhere. We want to know what's going on. I, for one, am staying right here."

"I'm not asking, Rodney, I'm telling. I need to examine Colonel Sheppard and I don't want an audience. Now out with you."

McKay started to protest again, but Teyla took one arm and Ronon took the other and they began guiding him away from Sheppard's bed. "We should leave, Dr. McKay. Colonel Sheppard will want some privacy and we should respect that. Dr. Beckett will let us know what is happening."

McKay didn't look happy, but let himself be guided away as Teyla's soft reassurance calmed his nerves.

When they were alone, Beckett turned back to Sheppard. "Okay, Colonel, first of all I need you to relax. We'll get this sorted out. I want you to turn your head away from me. I'll be touching your arm in various places and I want you to let me know when you feel anything."

Sheppard took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "Okay, Doc." He turned his head away from Beckett and closed his eyes so he could focus better.

Beckett began at Sheppard's wrist, moving slowly up his arm as he firmly pressed against Sheppard's flesh and waited to see if he would get a response. Several tries later, he finally got one.

"Okay, I think I can feel that."

"Where do you feel the pressure?"

"About halfway between my shoulder and elbow."

Beckett looked down to see that was exactly where his hand was. He moved an inch toward Sheppard's elbow. "What about now?"

"No, nothing." The disappointment in Sheppard's voice was hung in the air.

Beckett moved up closer to Sheppard's shoulder. "How about now?"

"Yes, I definitely feel that."

Beckett backed away from Sheppard and wrote on his chart. "Okay, Colonel, I'm finished. Tell me about how the venom affected your arm from the time of the bite until you lost consciousness."

Sheppard closed his eyes, trying to remember the details of what had happened. It almost seemed like a blur at this point. After a few seconds, he began to remember the events as well as the pain a little too thoroughly.

"A few seconds after the thing bit me, it felt like fire was flowing through the veins in my arm. I'm not sure I've ever felt anything like that. It eventually started spreading across my shoulder and into my chest and neck. A little while later, the outside of my arm got numb, but the inside still hurt. It was really weird. I think it was a couple of hours later when I noticed I my arm was numb. We were running from the Wraith and my arm was just flopping uselessly at my side, so I tucked it into my vest."

Beckett nodded. " It sounds like the venom was picked up by capillaries and dumped into the artery leading into your arm, making that the area that got the biggest and most immediate dose of poison. It may be that it's just taking a while for the venom to clear out of the tissues."

Sheppard's features relaxed a little. "So, you think this will clear up?"

"Aye, I do. How's your vision?"

"Better. It's still a little fuzzy around the edges, but it's almost back to normal. So you think since the vision is clearing up, then my arm will go back to normal too."

"I think there's a good chance. I'm going to run some tests and look for possible nerve damage. I'm afraid that's still a possibility. This venom is new to us, even though it presents itself in a way similar to that of some earth creatures. We just have to take it a step at a time."

Sheppard just nodded.

"Colonel, as the feeling starts to return, you're probably going to need some physical therapy to get your arm back up to speed and . . . "

Sheppard watched Beckett's face for a moment. "There's a chance I may never get full use back. Is that what you're trying to say?"

Beckett sighed heavily. "We don't know. There's no way to know what will happen until we let this play out. I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you with certainty that everything will be all right. But I just don't know."

Sheppard looked down at his feet, carefully controlling his emotions and response. "It's okay. I'd rather you were honest with me. I need to know where I stand with this thing."

"Don't give up on me, Colonel. In my opinion, you have a good chance of making a full recovery. I just can't guarantee it."

Sheppard nodded, but continued to look at his feet. Beckett recognized that Sheppard needed some time to deal with the possibilities.

"I'll go talk to your team and Elizabeth, let them know what's going on."

"Doc?" Sheppard looked up at Beckett, finally making eye contact. "I don't want any visitors for a while. I just . . . I need a little time to myself."

"All right, I'll send them on their way after I talk to them. Get some rest, Colonel."

Sheppard went back to looking at his feet as Beckett turned to leave. Within a few minutes, the panic had receded enough to allow exhaustion to take its place. Sheppard fought the pull of sleep as his eyelids drooped further and further, not ready to drift back into oblivion just yet. But by the time Beckett returned to check on him, he was already sleeping, curled up on his side with his left arm cradled against his chest.

oOo

Sheppard was aware someone was near by, even before he opened his eyes. He assumed it would probably be McKay, so he was surprised when he opened his eyes to find Kramer sitting in the chair beside his bed. He blinked a few times to be sure his vision was clear.

"Hey, sir. Would you like me to get Dr. Beckett?"

"Uh, no, that's okay." Sheppard's right arm was asleep from the way he'd been sleeping on it. He worked to shift himself around to lay on his back, while carefully maneuvering his left arm to keep it out of the way. Kramer stood and moved to his side.

"Can I help, sir?"

Kramer looked like he'd aged 10 years in the last few days. Heavy lines were around his eyes and mouth, his expression dull and lifeless. Sheppard felt a heaviness in his gut that had nothing to do with injuries or venom.

"Could you move the head of the bed up a bit?"

Kramer nodded and did as asked, moving Sheppard to more of a sitting position. "How's that?"

"That's good. Thanks." He watched as he young soldier eased himself back into the chair.

"How are the ribs?"

"They're healing. How do you feel, sir?"

Sheppard quickly swallowed the feelings of self pity that tried to surface. Kramer was hurting and he didn't need to listen to his CO whine about his own problems. Besides, if he didn't regain the use of his arm, there would be plenty of time to have a pity party later.

"I'm good, just a little tired and sore. I'll be up and around in no time." He had a brief, strange thought about being glad he wasn't Pinnochio. "How are you really holding up? I know we lost Simpson and that he was your friend."

There, it was out in the open. No use wasting time pussy-footing around. He needed to know how Kramer was handling it. He was still a little taken-aback at the stricken look on the airman's face.

"I . . . I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't seem real. I still look for him when I go to the mess hall. I just keep thinking I'll turn a corner and he'll be there. But then it hits me that he's not coming back and it's like someone kicked me in the gut. I've known him since boot camp and we've ended up stationed together for quite a while now. We watched each other's back, ya know? I just . . . I just miss him so much."

Sheppard watched as a tear ran down Kramer's face and he quickly swiped it away, afraid someone would see him cry. Sheppard closed his eyes, thinking of the day Mitch and Dex had been killed. "Yeah, I know. It never goes away, but it gets easier to deal with." He opened his eyes to see Kramer looking at him.

"Sir?"

Sheppard sighed. "I lost my two best friends in Afghanistan. Their helicopter was blown up just outside Kabul. I can remember that day like it was yesterday and I probably always will. That was years ago and I still miss them. But over time it gets easier to deal with, easier to remember the good times without always going immediately to thoughts of their death." He turned his head to make eye contact with Kramer. "I know you think you won't get through this, that nothing will ever seem right again. But you will. You'll get through this and you'll make other friends and you'll go on with your life. Because that's what we do here, we mourn and then we go on with our life. We have to."

Kramer stared at him for a second. "I don't know if I can."

Sheppard smiled at him, thinking he knew the kid better than he knew himself. "Yes you can. You're strong, stronger than you realize. And you've already got friends here. We'll see you through this."

Kramer's eyes lit up for a moment. "Dr. McKay . . . he's been kind of . . . taking me under his wing. I think he's trying to watch out for me, make me feel accepted. He picked me up for breakfast the last few days and let me eat with the team."

Sheppard's eyes widened as he looked at Kramer. "McKay did that? Rodney McKay? The bossy, hypochondriac scientist Rodney McKay?"

Kramer finally smiled. "One in the same."

Sheppard leaned his head back against the pillow. "Well, I'll be. You must have impressed him something fierce to get that kind of attention. I've known him almost two years and saved his life several times, and I can't get that kind of treatment. Way to go, Kramer."

The young airman smiled sheepishly. "I think he just felt sorry for me."

Sheppard snorted. "McKay feels sorry for no one. I'm impressed Kramer, really."

Kramer just shrugged his shoulders and grinned, wishing Simpson could be here to see and hear this.

oOo

Sheppard walked through the dark woods, his P90, handgun, and vest strangely absent. He wondered briefly why he would have gone off world without being properly equipped. He called for Teyla, Ronon, and McKay, but received no answer. He had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as he peered into the darkness, desperately trying to see what was ahead.

He turned suddenly in response to movement to his side, only to see a large bug scurry away into the darkness. An involuntary shudder coursed through him as he backed away from where the creature had disappeared. He jerked and swiped at the feel of something on his arm, watching as an iratus bug flew through the air. And then the ground in front of him was suddenly swarming with iratus bugs and large hairy spiders. He backed into something, whirling around to find himself face to face with a Wraith. When he tried to run, his feet got tangled and he went down heavily, the side of his head smacking hard against the ground. He rolled over to find the Wraith coming after him, but that wasn't what scared him. The spiders and iratus bugs were already advancing up his legs and across his stomach. Sheppard yelled as he brought his arms up protectively over his head, knowing he was just postponing the inevitable by seconds.

"Colonel, wake up! Come on, Sheppard, wake up and open your eyes. It's just a dream."

Sheppard's eyes snapped open to find McKay shaking him, his eyes wide with fear. Sheppard was breathing hard, feeling like he'd just run a marathon. He brought his right hand up to his forehead and shakily wiped the sweat from his face. It was all he could do to catch his breath as his heart hammered away in his chest. His eyes darted around the darkened room for a second, looking for signs of bugs or Wraith.

Nick and Kelly came quickly to join McKay beside his bed. "What happened?" asked Nick as he began assessing Sheppard.

"I'm okay." Sheppard tried to push Nick's hand away. "Just a nightmare."

Nick pushed Sheppard gently back down to the bed. "Well, humor me then and let me have a look or Carson's liable to put me back on leave for not doing my job properly. You need to try to slow your breathing, John, preferably before you give yourself a heart attack. Deep, slow breaths."

Sheppard finally gave up fighting and did as he was told while Nick and Kelly checked his vital signs and the IV. Rodney faded into the background until they were finished.

Nick began tucking Sheppard's covers back in around him when Sheppard protested. "Nick, I'm old enough to tuck myself in. Next you'll be reading me a bedtime story."

Nick grinned. "I'm thinking I shouldn't read about Little Miss Muffet."

Sheppard winced. "Oh, very funny. I'd throw you out of here if I had the energy."

"No need, I'm leaving. Let me know if you need anything. I can give you something to help you get back to sleep."

Sheppard shook his head. "I don't really think I want to do that right now. Maybe later."

Nick nodded in understanding. "Just let me know."

Sheppard watched Nick's retreating back, feeling Rodney's eyes on him. He finally turned and met the scientist's gaze. "What?"

McKay ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "That must have been one heck of a nightmare."

Sheppard looked down at his hands, thinking how creepy it was that he could see his right hand touching his left, and yet he couldn't feel it. "You could say that."

McKay pushed the chair closer to the bed and sat down. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Just a bunch of bugs and Wraith crawling all over me. Doesn't exactly make for peaceful sleeping."

"No, I guess not. Are you going to be okay?"

Sheppard continued to look down at his lap. "Yeah, eventually. Tonight's not looking too good, though." He turned to look at McKay. "How's your ankle?"

McKay shrugged. "It's okay, still a little sore but I can walk on it. How are you dealing with your arm being . . . "

"Paralyzed? That's what it is at the moment, so you might as well say it. Beckett said it might go away. I'm just trying to focus on that, cause I don't know too many one-armed pilots."

McKay nodded and looked down at the floor. "Much as I hate to admit it, Carson usually knows what he's talking about."

Sheppard nodded and looked back down. Part of him was grateful for McKay's presence and part of him wanted the man to leave. He didn't really know what he wanted any more. "Hey, thanks for looking after Kramer."

McKay's eyebrows shot up so fast that Sheppard had to suppress the urge to laugh.

"How did you . . . "

Sheppard smiled. "Kramer came by this afternoon and we talked. He was pretty impressed that you took the time to take him in and make him feel like a part of the team. Actually, so am I. You may not know it, McKay, but it meant a lot to that kid at a time when it really counted."

"I didn't do much. He kind of reminded me of a lost puppy. He just seemed to need a home. And we do kind of owe him for protecting our CO and helping get him back alive. I've got to tell you, between him and Nick, they had you covered pretty well. If they hadn't been there . . . well, let's just say we'd be sending what's left of you home on the next Daedalus run."

Sheppard smiled. "Well, thanks anyway."

"No problem. Taking care of errant flyboys seems to be my lot in life these days. I still say they don't pay me enough for this misery. We need to have a job description for someone that includes guarding the health and safely of pilots with a penchant for trouble. By the way, I mean you."

Sheppard just grinned. "Oh, you know you love it, McKay."

McKay just shook his head. "I might as well."

TBC