Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 13
Sheppard looked up to see Nick standing beside his bed. He jumped a little, wondering how he had let the man get that close without hearing him.
"Sorry, John, didn't mean to startle you."
"No problem, guess I was preoccupied. I have some good news . . . at least I think it's good. My fingers are starting to tingle."
Nick grinned and nodded. "That is good. Carson said you'd been getting increased sensation in your lower arm the last few days. I think he's planning on starting your physical therapy today."
"Yeah, that's what he told me yesterday. I'm ready."
"I'll just bet you are. Any movement in those fingers yet?"
Sheppard looked down at his hand, lying in his lap with the fingers curled up. He frowned and stared at his hand until the first two fingers twitched slightly. He breathed out heavily and looked back up at Nick. "I'm not sure I'd classify that as movement."
"Hey, it's better than nothing. Carson and I talked when he went off duty last night. He doesn't see any sign of nerve damage and you're making progress every day. He feels sure that, with physical therapy, you should make a full recovery, or at least pretty close. It may take a while though, so you'll have to be patient."
"I know, and that's not one of my strong points. If it means getting back to normal, I can manage though. It sure beats the alternative."
"Yeah, I guess it does. How's the shoulder pain?"
"It's better. Still pretty sore, but it doesn't hurt constantly like it did there for a while. By the way, I don't think I've ever thanked you properly for saving my life. I'm just sorry I almost got you killed in the process."
Nick pulled up a chair and sat down beside Sheppard's bed. "Hey, I'm just doing what I can, like everyone else. Kramer certainly did his fair share."
Sheppard smiled. "Yes, he did. From all I've heard, he did an excellent job out there. I have to admit, I had some serious misgivings about him after our first meeting." He absently rubbed the fresh scars on his neck. "But he's really turned it around. I'm kind of proud of that kid. Guess I'll have to forgive him for his little prank," he said as he laughed.
They sat in silence for a moment and Sheppard took the time to look at Nick. The bruises on his face had begun to turn a rainbow of colors, indicated their progress in healing. He still sported a bandage on his forehead, just above his eye. In spite of the smile Nick had worn when talking to Sheppard, he hadn't missed the haunted look in the doctor's eyes or the fine lines indicating a lack of sleep.
"Nightmares, Doc?"
Nick's head shot up and he looked curiously at Sheppard. "How did you know?"
Sheppard grinned a tired and humorless grin. "I go there regularly, remember?" He thought about waking from his own nightmares the last three nights in a row to find Nick's worried face peering down at him. "I recognize the signs. Want to talk about it?"
Nick rubbed his face with his hands, the lack of sleep and the end of his shift catching up with him. He was so tired he could barely string words together into a coherent sentence and he knew he had no business being on duty in this shape. He had to get some sleep.
"What are you dreaming about?" prompted Sheppard.
Nick sighed as he looked at the floor. "Wraith, mostly. I've never been that close to one before, so close I could smell him. Now I can smell him in my dreams. I've never seen anyone fed upon either. I mean I've seen the results, but I had never seen them actually die until that night. I just keep replaying part of it in my head, except, in my dreams I wake up to find you dead and that Wraith feeding on me." Nick shuddered, the images very real in his mind.
Sheppard was quiet a minute. "I don't have any magic answer, obviously, or I wouldn't be having my own night time battles. All I can tell you is that sometimes it does get better, and sometimes you just learn to deal with it. Some nightmares never go away, they just hibernate and pop out ever so often to keep you from forgetting. Some of them do eventually fade away. And sometimes . . . sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between memories and nightmares. They all just kind of run together."
Nick looked up at Sheppard, noting his dark expression and tired eyes. He knew he had suffered through his own nightmares the past few nights, often calling for help in his sleep. "I'm not sure how encouraging this is."
Sheppard smiled tightly. "Sorry, touchy subject for me. I've been building my selection for years."
"Have you ever talked to anyone about it, tried to get help?"
"I've been made to talk to people several times, Kate included. That doesn't help, at least it doesn't help me. Sharing my pain with a psychiatrist is just that, sharing my pain. It doesn't really seem to lessen it or make it go away. It just makes me live through it verbally again. If I'm going to have a conversation about the hell I've lived through, it needs to be with someone who's been there, who genuinely understands what I'm talking about. Then, sometimes, you make a connection and it helps a little."
Nick hesitated a few seconds. "I thought we were all dead. When that Wraith hit me, my last conscious thought was that we were dead. Period. Nothing was going to change that. I've had some close calls in the field, but that's the first time I was absolutely certain that I was going to die. And then we didn't die, but so many others did. I remember that one guy, Daniels I think, came in a couple of weeks ago for a cut on his hand. We talked a while about family and school and such. He was a nice guy and now . . . now he's dead. Why him and not me? Why Simpson and not you? None of it makes any sense."
"Survivor's guilt."
"What?"
"It's called survivor's guilt. You survived and they didn't and even though none of it was your fault and there's probably nothing you could have done to change anything, you feel guilty. You feel guilty about being alive when they aren't. That is one thing I learned from all those sessions with the base shrink. I apparently tend to get a healthy case of it myself. Like right now. All those people died trying to save me, so in my mind, their death is on my head. And you'll probably never convince me differently."
"Oh, you must be joking. It wasn't your fault the Wraith showed up or that you were bitten by a spider with mega-venom."
"See, in my mind, all I had to do was be more careful and not get bitten and we would have been able to make it back to the gate without a rescue party being sent and without the Wraith catching up to us. I slowed us down enough for all that to happen. My fault."
Nick shook his head. "That's nuts, you can't really believe that."
Sheppard just shrugged his shoulders.
"God, John, no wonder you have nightmares. How do you live with that kind of weight on your shoulders?"
Sheppard leaned his head back against the pillow and stared at the ceiling. "I just stick it in the closet with the rest of my skeletons - waking the Wraith, killing Sumner, getting Gaul and Abrams killed, Ford, not to mention a few things from the Milky Way Galaxy."
"Isn't your closet getting kind of full?"
"Yeah, I'm thinking of building an addition. I have a feeling I'm going to need it." Sheppard brought his gaze down to meet Nick's. "What we've said here, stays here, right?"
Nick looked at him, thinking he probably should share a little of this with Carson, or perhaps Kate. But looking at Sheppard, he knew he wouldn't. He honestly didn't think it would change anything, at least not for the better. Sheppard was just one of those people that took everything to heart and kept lots of emotional baggage around. He had apparently developed his own way of coping with it on a day to day basis. It was the nights that gave him trouble.
"Okay, it stays here."
Sheppard looked relieved. "Good. I guess with everything that happened, you're through with gate travel."
Nick raised his eyebrows. "No, absolutely not. I'm just beginning to understand how much you need to have a medical person out there with you as often as possible. I've been thinking about it since we got back. How many times have you guys drug through the gate needing medical attention? Many of those times, some of the complications you experienced could have been avoided if you had received proper medical attention sooner. I think I need to go with you more often."
Sheppard's mouth hung open a bit as he listened to Nick talk. "Are you serious? But I thought, with the nightmares and everything that you would want to stick close to the infirmary."
Nick shook his head. "No, I want to go with you again. Don't get me wrong, that scared the living crap out of me. But at the same time, I felt needed, like I was really making a difference. I know there will come a time when having the proper medical personnel will make the difference between someone living or dying."
Sheppard took several moments to consider Nick's words. "Nick, I know we could use you out there, both the medical expertise as well as the extra gun. If you're sure that's what you want to do, I'll talk to Elizabeth. But I'm leaving Carson to you. No way I'm threatening to take away his number two man while I'm stuck in here. I'd like to get out before I'm old and gray."
Nick just snickered. "Don't worry, I'll talk to Carson. And I'm not talking about going on every mission, just the ones where you're a little more likely to need me. Although I'm well aware of your ability to stir up trouble on what appears to be harmless missions."
Sheppard shook his head. "Not my fault. Stuff just happens. Hey, have you talked to Kelly about going off world on a regular basis?"
Nick's expression sobered as he let his gaze fall to the floor. "No, not yet. I'm afraid she won't be very happy. She was a little upset when I came back injured."
"You better talk to her before this goes too far. You may be forced to make a choice. Some women can't handle the idea of your life being in danger all the time or the prospect of you coming back injured a lot."
"She would never do that, make me choose between her and fieldwork."
Sheppard looked at him for several seconds. "You don't always see it coming."
Nick frowned and tilted his head slightly. "John? Are we talking personal experience?"
"Just talk to her before you make your final decision. That's all I'm saying."
They sat in silence for several seconds before a nurse appeared with a breakfast tray for Sheppard. As she set it up on the rolling tray table, Nick got up to leave. He started to walk away, but then stopped and turned back to Sheppard.
"John, thanks."
Sheppard just nodded and gave him a sloppy, mock salute with his good arm, fork in hand.
oOo
Sheppard sat on the edge of the bed, fiddling with the sling holding his left arm next to his body. He looked up at the sound of footsteps to see Beckett walk up and stand next to him. He held out a bottle. "These are for pain, in case your shoulder starts hurting or you're in pain from the physical therapy." He set the first bottle down on the bed and held out a second, smaller bottle. "You can take one of these a few minutes before you go to bed to help you sleep."
Sheppard widened his eyes. "What?"
Beckett smiled and patted his leg. "Nick told me you were having a bit of trouble sleeping. If you get tired of that, the pills will help. And don't worry about being all drugged up. You'll be off duty for a while and besides that, they're pretty mild. It's just a little something to help you relax. Let me know if you want something stronger."
Sheppard was a little off guard, but recovered quickly. He figured turn about was fair play. "So long as we're playing tattle-tail, I understand he's been having his own trouble sleeping."
Beckett nodded. "He told me and I gave him the same thing. You're both stubborn as mules. Having nightmares after the trauma you've been through is nothing to be ashamed of. You both should have said something to me days ago. I had to ask him why he was asleep on his feet."
Sheppard looked down at the bottles of pills. "I've had nightmares before, Doc. I can handle it."
"There's no shame in asking for help to make it easier, lad. I wish there was some way to convince you of that."
Sheppard smiled. "I'm okay, Carson, really. Now do I get out of here, or what?"
Beckett sighed. "Yes, you can go. I expect you back at ten tomorrow for physical therapy. And you are on full medical leave until further notice. That means no running and no stick fighting."
Sheppard flashed his lop-sided grin. "Am I cleared for Rodney badgering?"
Beckett returned his smile. "Now that's one activity you can do."
oOo
Sheppard angled the tray down to the table, balancing it with one hand and trying not to spill every drop of his drink. He could see the tea sloshing out of the cup and into the tray as he jostled the thing onto the table. Once it was horizontal again, he pushed it forward a bit and slid into his seat. He looked up at McKay, sitting across from him, chewing his food as he watched Sheppard struggle.
"Thanks for the help."
McKay stopped chewing. "What help?"
Sheppard nodded. "Exactly." He picked up his fork and began to eat. McKay shrugged and went back to chewing.
"So, any idea how long before you're back on duty?"
"Not really. I'm just starting to get movement back in my fingers. Doc said it'll probably be a few weeks, but I'm hoping if I really work the physical therapy thing, I can shave some time off that. Lydia said I've already made a lot of progress in the last three days."
"Lydia?"
"Physical therapist. I think she came with the Daedalus run before this last one. Apparently we get injured so much, they thought we needed a real physical therapist."
"Mind if I join you gentlemen?"
They looked up to see Elizabeth standing beside their table.
"Grab a seat, Elizabeth," said McKay.
"Thank you." Elizabeth looked toward Sheppard as she sat down. "You're looking well."
"I'm good," he said as he poked a forkful of food into his mouth.
McKay nodded. "How's the shoulder, you know, where the thing bit you?"
"Much better. It's finally starting to really show signs of healing. I'm glad that spider bit me in a place that doesn't show. That isn't going to leave a scar, it's going to leave a crater."
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. I doubt it will interfere with your ability to woo alien women. The face and hair are still in tact, and that's what's important."
"McKay!"
Elizabeth looked down, trying to hide the grin that was slowly breaking out across her face.
Sheppard just sighed loudly. "Elizabeth, I wondered if you've considered my recommendation about Kramer."
"Yes, I have. Due to recent events, Major Lorne has an opening on his team, so I passed your recommendation on to him. I know he's talked to Teyla and Ronon about Kramer's performance in the field. I believe he is satisfied, but he wanted to talk to you about his final decision. If you agree, Kramer will probably join his team as soon as he's cleared for active duty."
Sheppard nodded, approval on his face. "Good. I think he'll make a good addition to the team."
McKay pursed his lips a second, looking off into space. "You know, I'm going to miss the guy. He kind of reminded me of you . . . except he's not as bossy or sarcastic."
Sheppard stopped eating and punctuated his words by stabbing the air with his fork in the direction of McKay. "I am not bossy, I'm the leader. There's a difference."
McKay snorted. "Not in your case."
"Pot? Kettle? Mean anything?"
"Not in the least," McKay said innocently.
Sheppard looked over at Elizabeth. "Can I trade McKay in for Kramer?"
TBC
