Hello dear reader! Jeez, I haven't done one of these in ages . . . I'm sorry that I've been gone so long and that this fic is crap, but my mental health has been incredibly shitty for the past 5 or 6 months, so yeah. I've also haven't been writing for ages, so that's another thing. I hope that you are all well, and doing better mentally than me, since I literally don't even have enough motivation to put butter on a piece of bread lol. Please know that this story isn't my best, but I've improved it as much as I can, and want to. Anyways, please enjoy, and leave a review if you want to!
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or any of its characters or the Harry Potter series and any of its events/characters.
"Bye poopsykins, I love you" calls out my mom as she shoves me onto a fucking train going to God knows where. "Fuck you myem" I call out of the window as the train starts moving away. I don't want to go to another stupid fucking school! Back in South Park I had basically everyone wrapped around my pinkie finger, and I could get them to do pretty much anything for me. That took me years to achieve, even with that bunch of dumbasses, and I don't have enough patience to do that all over again.
I see some rando walking up to me on the train. "Hello, I'm Harry Potter. All of the other compartments are full, and this one is empty. Would it be okay if I sat in here with you?" he asks in a stupid British accent. "No, of course not you glasses wearing freak. Now fuck off and leave me alone!" I reply. Stupid fucking freak.
Jesus fucking Christ - we're finally here. For fucks sake, it took long enough, and there weren't even any phone chargers on that god-damn train, so now I only have 3 fully charged phones. The fuck? I am NOT going across a freezing cold lake in those rotten fucking 18th century boats! Uh uh, not going to happen fuckers.
God, less than 5 minutes in this God forsaken castle, and I already hate the fucking thing. It appears that a pasty blonde boy is confronting that British fucker that tried to steal my train cart earlier. Why'd he decline that kids' offer of friendship? He looks powerful, probably rich too . . . if I'm lucky, he'll be easy to manipulate too.
I see him start to walk over to me with his fatass cronies. "My name is Draco Malfoy," he says in a drawling voice, "and you look like you could be useful to me" Aw shit! Nope, I am not going to be used. I am the one who does the using and manipulation. And to think I actually thought that someone might have enough potential to become my . . . apprentice of sorts.
"So, shall we become friends, for business sakes?" he finishes. "Nuh uh, don't even try that bullshit with me pal. Now go on; fuck off you god-damn snowflake" I finish angrily. It appears that I have just made an enemy. Oh well, I'll crush him in no time.
I see a tall, wrinkly old lady walking towards me and the people around me. I walk up to her, and look her up and down; taking in every detail of her, from her ratty shoes, to her saggy old lady tits. "Hello, my name is Eric Cartman, and I must point out that the shade of green you're wearing makes you look 1000 years old. That is all" I say, as she turns bright red in anger. Yeah yeah, fuck you too.
She seems to regain control of her emotions pretty quickly though. Hmm, she'll be harder to break than the teachers back in South Park. She ignores me and starts instructing the rest of the students what to do, but I really couldn't give a shit about anything she has to say.
This stupid old bitch really thinks that she can tell me what to do? Ah, finally my turn, "Move out of the way cocksuckers" I call as I step up towards the brown, mouldy old hat that will supposedly sort me 'into a house that will be like my family'. Family my ass, none of these stupid fucks deserve to call themselves my friends, let alone my family.
As soon as the hat is placed on my head it calls out "SLYTHERIN!", whatever that means. I'm guessing that it must be the best house, since I've been sorted into it.
Why do we have to listen to this boring old retard talk for like, 1 hour before eating. Ah finally, the fucking food. *Food appears on the tables magically and Cartman piles it onto his plate like a fucking piggy and then continues to eat food like a little piggy*
Hell naw - I am not sleeping under a fucking lake in a literal dungeon. These stupid fucks really expect us to sleep down here? Where can I make a god-damn fucking complaint in this stupid school?
*After eventually finding a teacher and complaining to them, Eric was sent to the broom closet with a makeshift mattress and some old sheets. He was then locked there for the rest of the night whilst screaming out innumerable profanities. He eventually wore himself out and passed out on the dirty sheets still mumbling curses most foul*
(The Next Day) Why the fuck did they make us get god-damn feather quills, bottles of ink and parchment paper? What fucking century do they think we're in, cause it sure as hell isn't the fucking 1700's! Jeez, even back in South Park we were allowed to use fucking laptops if we had enough money, but Kenny's family is poor, so he couldn't get one, unlike me who got 2. Suck it Kinny!
Ugh, I hate this fucking skewl. There's not even one god damn fucking TV. Why aren't the fuck won't they let me bring any of my fucking phones into this dumbass school? It's not like I'll start a fucking online revolution . . . well, not yet anyways.
Why are all the corridors to my classes so fucking long? I shouldn't have to put up with this bull-crap. And all of these fucking teachers are either really fucking old, or incredibly fucking ugly. I swear to god that this school was built by Jews.
Jesus Christ. I hate this fucking skewl.
(Next night after Cartman finally agrees to sleep in the Slytherin dormitory)
These stupid beds have no fucking walls and there are no curtains on the windows. There isn't even a real god-damn view outside since we're literally underground. How the fuck am I supposed to sleep? Holy shit, the sound of all of the fucking owls squawking is seriously annoying. And that fucking cat reminds me of Mr Kitty. I'm seriously gonna chuck this fucking cat out the fake window if it doesn't shut up!
The fuck? It's only fucking 6:00 AM and we already have to be up? I thought that yesterday was like a one-time thing! This fucking school . . . What? Where the shit is the food? 'Hey, is there anyone in this fucking skewl who knows where the fucking food is? I'm starving!' I shout over the top of all the students chatting and gossiping.
*Everyone ignores him and don't bother replying to his obnoxious statement, so because he's Cartman, he sits in his seat fuming, silently plotting his revenge*
5 hours later: The raging inferno engulfing Hogwarts drowns out the desperate screams and cries of the students and teachers trapped inside the castle. Eric Cartman smirks from the window of the Hogwarts express as it slowly travels back to platform 9 and ¾. In the distance the smoke from the castle billows in the winds, traveling to distant muggle villages, but not quick enough to alert anyone to the horror unfolding at Hogwarts.
Eyy, you made it to the end! I really do hope that it was slightly amusing or good, and I probably won't be posting much in the future, fyi, so yeah. Have a good Christmas, and rest of 2021, hopefully next year is better than this one. I might see y'all next year sometime, but I don't have any definite plans. Shout out to Jack797, his stories are AMAZING, and he's been a really nice person to me. Bye bye :)
