Disclaimer: Harry Potter, characters, and all related indicia (what the hell does that mean, anyway?) are property of (ahem) Warner Brothers, Incorporated. (No it isn't, stupidass! It belongs to the almighty creator, J. K. Rowling!)

Yeah. I read that in the fine print at the bottom of my Harry Potter Hedwig Mug while I was drinking cocoa this morning. Mmm.

Wow. I haven't gotten a single flame and here I am starting the 3rd chapter! I have come to the conclusion that a.) there are no longer any Harry Potter fans that are obsessed enough to be on and have absolutely no sense of ahem humor, or b.) I'm flame retardant! Yay!

Thanks, all, for those nice reviews, although I must say you all have a very strange sense of humor.

Surprisingly, my entire life is not devoted to There are other things to do, like Sims 2, Puzzle Pirates, Myspace, and oh yeah, homework too…but that's not important…

Chapter 3: Creaky Broomstick Secret Pub and…Oh yeah…that fence behind it…and Happy gets accosted by some Drunkards.

"Hellgrill, I'm not old enough to drink!" Happy said in protest as they entered this shabby little tavern by the name of Creaky Broomstick Secret Pub.

"Ye are now," said Hellgrill "Oh, I mean, um, alcoholic? No! I'm not! Who's sayin' I am? I'm takin' ye ter Dragonalley!"

"That sounds dangerous and exiting, and as I am very attracted to danger, I guess we have to, otherwise, we wouldn't have a plot!"

"That's the spirit, Happy!" Hellgrill "pats" him on the back and Happy falls to the ground. No Muggers seem to think this is odd.

As soon as they were inside, some ugly old lady came up to him.

"Harry Potter…my preciousss…We gots him, my preciousss…"

"Eep." Said Happy. "Who's Harry Potter, anyway?"

"Some cheap rip-off on ye, but never mind, we have to get going."

Basically, Hellgrill got drunk and Happy was left to fend for himself while people came up to him, petting him, staring at him, licking him.

Finally, some toothless guy told Hellgrill to get out and De-Drunked him with a stick (Happy wondered if that was the only thing a stick could do).

"Why did all those people want to rape me?" Happy asked him.

"Well Happy, ye, are, well, um, huh, duh, er, uh, gah, der…"

"What?"

But Hellgrill had fallen asleep and was drooling all over the place. Happy grabbed a pink umbrella from Hellgrill's pocket, didn't even consider why such a tough man carried around a pink umbrella nor the writing on it which read "DO NOT OPEN", and opened it so he didn't get rained on. And I don't mean water rain.

"Pst! Hellgrill! Wake up!"

Will Happy EVER get to Dragonalley? Will he have to pay the consequences for opening the forbidden pink umbrella? Is it play school or plays cool in that toy brand, Playskool? Why is there so much confusion in this world! Author's head asplodes