When
Smashers Quit
Chapter Three: Link
"Hey Link," said
Master Hand, crashing through the door of Link's room. "I'm
having a super grand new huge tournament, and there are going to be
44 new Smashers, and we're going to have Sonic, Harry Potter and
Dr. Who!"
Master Hand floated clumsily, and then bashed his head
against the ceiling.
"Master Hand, are you hung over?" asked
Link, looking at the big crack in the ceiling.
"What makes you
think that?" replied Master Hand. "…Purple Fairy…"
"Yes,"
thought Link to himself.
"Master Hand," said Link to Master
Hand, lifting him up into the air. "If you want your new
tournaments to be successful, you can't just blot in random
characters that no-one likes, it doesn't work that way!"
"I
think my tournaments are fine," replied Master Hand, in quite a
forced voice. "…Yellow Birdy…"
Link grabbed some
anti-hangover pills, and fed them to Master Hand (we don't actually
know how he can consume alcohol or take pills, but since we have Sega
characters in this story, hey, we can do anything that we
like!).
"Woah…" said Master Hand, shaking. "Sorry if I did
anything illegal or something, anyway, I was just about to tell you
about my new tournament that has Sonic, Harry Potter and Doctor
Who!"
"It sounds awful," said Link, bluntly. "How many
people are going to come this time,12?"
"15," replied Master
Hand, slightly angrily.
"Excluding the celebrities that you
locked up in the basement," replied Link.
"Uh…
11?"
"Excluding the paper mache models of people that you put
in the audience to fool everyone there into thinking they were in
front of large audiences?"
"Uh… 7?"
"And Peach's
relatives, who are still there clapping, since the last tournament
you held a week ago?"
Master Hand peered out of the window.
"Well, 4?"
"And the cleaner?"
"3?"
"So you
have three genuine audience members."
Link stared weirdly at
Master Hand.
"Why didn't you spend any money on
advertisements?" asked Link.
"Because… I didn't spend them
on high risk investments?"
Some men came and repossessed Master
Hand's middle finger.
Link sighed, and then put on his,
'Lecture' face.
"Master Hand, people won't come to your
tournament if they don't find it interesting. If you think that
adding characters that people hate/haven't heard about makes more
people attend them, then you are indeed wrong. You need to make the
games interesting, give them new settings, give them new and
interesting rules, you can't just give a tournament of
unknowns!"
Link looked at Master Hand, and then looked angrily
at him, noticing he was asleep.
"Master Hand, I bet that I could
organize a tournament that would be far more successful by yours,
just because I can make it interesting."
"Oh, yeah?" replied
Master Hand, annoyed. "Well, you're too boring to organize a
tournament!"
For effect, he added, "Bo-ring."
"Seriously,"
said Link, "if you don't make any effort to improve these
tournaments, Master Hand, I really-"
"Bo-ring."
Link
sighed.
The phone rung.
Master Hand picked up.
"Hi,"
said Falco, in a sarcastic, slightly annoyed tone.
"Hi Falco,"
said Master Hand calmly.
"How's Smash Mansion going? I bet
it's really awful without me!" said Falco, like a primary
schoolgirl having a fight with a friend, but hiding the anger really
badly.
"No, it's fine," said Master Hand, calmly. "Actually,
it's better without you."
"Oh yeah, then why did you call
me, asking how I was doing?" asked Falco, angrily.
"You called
me."
"Oh, well, uh…" said Falco, nervously. "...I'm
going to get you back in the worst way possible, you just
wait!"
Falco hung up, and then grinned slyly.
Falco looked in
the address book, and then proceeded to dial a number.
"Hello?"
said Master Hand, picking up the phone.
"Hi Master Hand," said
Falco, grinning.
"So, what's your payback this time?"
replied Master Hand.
"Well, the charges for this call are
reversed, so you'll have to pay for it…"
Master Hand stared
blankly at the telephone.
"Damn you Falco," said Master Hand,
angrily. "This is really low, Falco. I mean, reversing the charges.
I mean, I've done bad things to you in my time, like wasting all
your of life savings on high risk investments, but I mean, reversing
the charges with a phone call in these days? I mean, that could have
put me back a lot of money, and I could've paid for a nice
appliance with that money."
"Oh," said Falco. "Well… I'm
still not coming back!"
"Haha, apartment life,"
thought Mewtwo to himself, sitting on a couch of his new studio
apartment.
Mewtwo looked at the kitchen. It was small, only had
one sink, and only had a microwave and other basic cooking
appliances.
"It's small, but I can do anything I
want…"
Mewtwo peered around the house to see if anyone was
there.
"I can even watch those ridiculous 'Earth' import
shows, and no-one will notice…"
Mewtwo turned on
Teletubbies.
"How idiotic… this show is awful…"
Mewtwo
kept on watching Teletubbies.
"Haha… Dipsy… More like
Tipsy… get it? Because he's kinda drunk?"
Mewtwo cackled
at his own joke.
Falco walked in.
"Hey Mewtwo, I'm your new
roommate, we can have lots of fun together!" announced Falco. "I
mean, there's lots of…"
Falco noticed Mewtwo was watching
Teletubbies.
"Uh… uh… uh… well… uh… you like
Teletubbies…" said Falco, with a very shocked expression on his
face. "Well… uh… that's okay…"
Falco kept on staring
at Mewtwo with the same expression on his face.
"Uh… Falco,
I'm watching this to make fun of them," said Mewtwo, sweating.
"Like… Dipsy… as in… Tipsy? Get it… ha ha? Ha ha!"
"Yeah,
funny…" said Falco, staring.
Link tapped a spoon on a
glass, asking for attention of all of the Smashers.
"All
Smashers," announced Link. "As you know… Master Hand is
organizing another run-of-the-mill tournament, with characters that
no-one knows about, and we all know it is going to be a complete
failure. I am going to be running a tournament at the same time,
which will have different settings for Smash, as well as items to hit
other people with, along with hand-to-hand combat!"
Link paused,
and a few Smashers chatted amongst themselves.
"As we know,
Master Hand never gives out prize money, so thanks to my sponsor,
R-Cake Fashion™, there is going to be a giant prize for
first place!"
Everyone cheered.
Master Hand floated
in.
"Link, you're fired, get out," said Master Hand,
calmly.
Everyone gasped.
"But… I'm one of the most
popular Smashers here!" said Link, angrily. "If you fire me, then
you're going to lose a large portion of your
audiences!"
"Whatever," said Master Hand, "Fired is fired,
get out."
"But you can't just fire m-"
"You're
losing the interest from my tournament," replied Master Hand,
bluntly.
"But the last time you had a good audience was four
tournaments ago!" said Link, angrily. "You're surely not going
to get an-"
"You're fired!" said Master Hand,
angrily.
"But you-"
"Bo-ring!" shouted Master
Hand at the top of his lungs (even though disembodied hands don't
have lungs).
"But I just can't-"
"Bo-ring!"
"But
what if-"
"Bo-ring!"
Link sighed, and walked out
of Smash Mansion.
