Title: If I should die before we wake
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or situations, or concepts, or anything, really.
Summary: After the events described in Deconstructing Hell, Spike, Andrew and Dana are menaced by a shadowy threat to Spike's life. You should read DH first.
Rating: T, because Spike is violent, rude, crude, and the bad guys are worse. Well, that's a lie. The bad guys are never worse than Spike. Oh, and some of the characters are downright naughty in this chapter.
Chapter 13: Rants and raves
--
It was dark in the cellar dungeon, and cold. Spike had bled quite a bit from the bite to his shoulder, and he was shaking now. Shaking and itchy, he noted. A miserable combination.
Harmony appeared at the top of the stairs and glided down them with vampire stealth. "Do you think the cloaking field around the mansion is blocking the tracking chips?" she asked.
"Of course," he said from behind chattering teeth.
She carefully approached him and wrapped a blanket around him tightly. "I warmed it up in the dryer," she said proudly.
"Good work," he said, sighing.
She leaned against the wall beside him. In the darkness he could see the twin pools of amber light that her eyes had become in their demonic form. "It's weird. Your blood tasted… dirty."
"That's because of a life poorly spent."
"Oh. STDs? They usually have more of a tingly taste."
"No. It's that old smoker taste."
"Oh… you're right. Usually that's only in really old men, though. I hate that. I never eat… I mean, back when I was eating people, I never ate really old people. They always tasted funny."
"Yeah, well, I look young, but I was a vampire, remember? They brought me back in the same old body. So I'm sure I taste much older than I look." He groaned, stretching his shoulders. "I feel old."
She nodded, pools of pale light bobbing up and down. "I guess that makes sense. Boris was very impressed with your plan—the whole distraction thing. I think he knew I was just doing it to keep you alive longer."
"Well, there was that whole bit where Gleason told him that you basically worship me. I think that tipped your hand."
"But he didn't kill you anyway."
"Well, he figures he's being nice to you, see? He likes you. Kind of fancies you too, I think."
"Oh, I totally got that vibe. He was so totally hitting on me all through dinner. Do you know they have a lot of people tied up in the basement for the vampires to feed on?"
"I figured."
"He offered me a couple, said he'd pre-kill them and everything."
"Did you?"
"Are you nuts? I know the rules. I said no."
"That's the way, pet. Just say no."
"It kind of hurt his feelings, but I fed him some bull about the chip going on if I indirectly caused hurt to humans. That it had shocked me a little when the guy bit you."
"Oh, you told him you had a headache?" asked Spike innocently.
She sighed. "You just destroyed my narrative flow, Spike. That's inconsiderate."
"Yeah, whatever. How about the vampires?"
"They're in this low panic about you. I helped that along, told them some wicked awesome stories about you."
"Ugh."
"So, now what? Do you think he'll let you join his ranks?"
"Doubt it. He's not a complete idiot."
"Oh, unlike me?"
"I haven't called you a complete idiot in nearly a year, Harm. Haven't called you a silly bint in… six months."
"Oh, you think that's an improvement? You're still thinking it!"
"Yes, but at least now the filter is on and I'm bein polite. Isn't that something?"
"A little something."
He could hear the sound of skin and bone stretching for a second, and the twin pools of light went out. When they were gone her voice was a little less muffled. "So you're trying to be a better person?"
"I've been trying for almost six years now. But I think I've been getting closer these last few weeks."
"Is there a daring rescue being planned?"
Spike chuckled. "I'm working it out. Although I keep get snagged on who you and I are supposed to be rescuing."
"The guys in the basement, remember?"
"Oh, right." He'd meant to turn her statement around, to remind her that he was the hero, not the person in need of rescue, but apparently that joke had lost its edge. Maybe she really believed he was the hero, now. It wouldn't surprise him.
He struggled and wriggled a little bit, rattling the chains. "Okay, what else did you learn?"
"They're hitting the Slayers tomorrow night," she said. "One of the Europe safe houses. I think probably London."
He chuckled. "That castle? Good luck!"
"They don't need luck. They're very good," said Harmony seriously. "So, tell me when you want to escape."
He groaned. "When? Why don't we start with easy questions, like how."
There was the rustling of fabric at the top of the stairs. "Playing with your food, love?" asked an all too familiar dark, low voice.
"Oh. Two Spikes. This reminds me of a dream I once had," said Harmony.
Spike groaned. "Boy-boy-girl, right?"
"Well, yeah. Cuz I wasn't really interesting in any other guys. Then. I've moved on since then. I really have."
"Love sucks, doesn't it?" asked Spike.
"What?" said the other Spike, from up above, baffled by the turn the conversation had taken. He couldn't keep up.
"It does!" said Harmony.
"You fall in love with somebody who doesn't love you or is in love with somebody else… you know, with Dana, I lucked out doubly. Not only is she a wonderful person, but she loves me too."
"Yeah," said Harmony sadly.
"Bloody hell!" exploded the other Spike, turning the lights on. "Listen to yourselves, you bloody prats!"
"You're trying too hard to sound like me," said Spike, adjusting his arms to make himself more comfortable.
"Agh! Pillocks!" snarled the false Spike, leaping down the stairs. "You're both powerless, in the house of your enemies, and you talk about love! What kind of fools are you?"
"Fools for love," sighed Harmony.
"Yeah," agreed Spike. "If you were really me, you'd be one too, mate. My entire life as a vampire was defined by love. Completely defined. First Drusilla, then Buffy. If you'd done your research you'd spend as much time practicing giving flowers as you do practicing that snarl you love so much, eh?"
Harmony giggled. The false Spike sneered. "That would be why you're in chains and I'm about to go finish off the other Slayers."
"Yeah… about that," said Spike. "I've got something I've been meaning to tell you."
Harmony struck instantly as the doppelganger was distracted, whirling and slapping the hypodermic needle into his arm. He roared and batted her away, grabbing the spent vial and yanking it from his arm. "What was that?" he asked.
"Just a little something to help you sleep," said Spike. "That's a temporary kind of sleep." He grinned, shifting slightly reveal that he held a stake over his head in his chained hands. "Me, I'm a permanent kind of guy."
--
Boris led the way to the gateway. "Remember to stay close behind me," he said quietly, noting the nervousness among the vampires. "Where's Spike?"
"Here," said the vampire, swaggering forward in his duster.
"Remember to stay close to me. Not too close, but close enough."
"Right," drawled the vampire. Boris shot him an impatient glare.
"The spell that binds us loses power the further away you are, Spike. I'm serious. If you want that extra strength to fight the Slayers, you'll stay close to me."
Spike grinned widely. "I'll be right by your side, mate."
Boris frowned. "Your accent is slipping. Remember to sound more like Spike when we attack the Slayers."
"What's the point to it, if we have him in the basement?" drawled the rebellious vampire. "Seems to me it's done the trick."
"So that they're reluctant to stake you, idiot," growled Boris. "Do I have to remind you of the entire plan? They're still powerful, and can kill you."
"Right. Onward, then," he said, rubbing his nose. "After you, mate."
Boris sighed, turning and heading for the portal. Vampires were stupid at the best of times, and now was no exception.
There was a wash of sensation as he passed through the rocky circle, and he was suddenly in England, staring up at a castle, a rushing sensation filling his stomach. He felt as if his stomach was no somewhere to the left of where it had been before.
Spike, surprisingly was striding forward as if he hadn't felt it. "Getting used to it?" snapped Boris.
Spike grinned. "No. Getting better at hiding it."
The cockiness was so typical of the vampire that Boris sighed, crossing his arms. "Get it done," he ordered.
Spike strolled forward, kicked open the first door he came to, and yelled in, "all right, who's up for some fighting?"
"That's not how we usually do it," noted one of the other vampires behind Boris, coughing weakly as they assembled.
"Well, I'm sure he's… weak," muttered Boris. Actually, he was sure now that the vampire was in fact his human counterpart. He wasn't sure when or how they'd made the switch, or how they'd kept him from noticing, and kept the other vampires from noticing, but he was changed.
He decided to dust the girl when they got back. She'd done her job well enough, and he'd been impressed by her, but apparently she had aspirations beyond merely saving her boss. And that was unacceptable.
"Come on, anybody? I've got an army of vampires out here!" yelled Spike, heading inside.
"All right, time to cut our losses," muttered Boris. He hated to lose Spike like that, but he'd rather not face Spike and an army of Slayers all at once.
Spike strolled back out the door. "Fancy that, the place is empty! It's as if… oh, I don't know… Harmony tipped them all of!"
"Impossible!" snarled Boris. "There's communication to or from the mansion—it's cut off from the outside world!"
"Unless, say, she were to walk outside and make a phone call on her cell phone. Outside your magical cloaking field. Which would also allow the government to get a vector on that tracking device!"
"Did you say 'get a vector'? My God, man, did you flunk math?"
"Math was different when I took it, mate. We were still reeling over that whole round earth thing, remember? Well, okay, bit of an exaggeration… still, I'm insulted."
"You're insulted? You're going to die, fool!" Boris started forward, then stopped. "Wait a minute. How did you avoid detection by my vampires?"
"Well, two ways. First, I stayed away till the last second, remember? The other thing is that I had this on me." He reached behind him and took out a small wristwatch that he'd stuffed in his back pocket. "Makes a horrid buzzing noise… covered up the sound of my heartbeat nicely. Too highpitched for you, mate. Still… I'm touched you remembered my heart. Too many forget it these days."
"You're powerless and I have an army of vampires!" growled Boris.
"Yeah, about that… not so much with the army."
Boris whirled around. More vampires were coming out through the portal, armed with stakes and long wooden bo-staffs with sharpened ends. They wore all black, like ninjas, and some even had guns.
"Government, triangulation, Harmony," said Spike joyfully.
"Take them!" yelled Boris, turning back to Spike. He could hear the fight behind him, bones cracking against bones punctuated by the sounds of vampires exploding into dust.
"I normally prefer not to get my hands dirty, but you are vexing me," growled Boris, striding towards Spike.
"Yeah, about that… what are you? We have a debate going on. Male Slayer?"
"Idiot! I am a balance demon. Until recently I fought on your side." Boris shifted, his human façade fading back to reveal greyer skin, horns coming up through his skull. "When you shifted the balance the other way, my very nature turned me against you. I have been a good ally to you, but now I must kill you. It is inevitable."
"Mate, don't take this the wrong way, but you were never on my side," said Spike. "I fight the right people for the right reasons. You may have fought, but you were seeking some mythical balance… you were never fighting for the right reasons."
Boris dove forward. Spike ducked under his attack, spinning to one side. "Slow," said Spike, darting back away from Boris.
"You're powerless," growled Boris. "It's only a matter of time before I destroy you!"
He darted forward, lowering his head, and tried to gore Spike. Spike kicked Boris in the head, a move which only sent him flying as Boris snapped his head back up, catching Spike's foot. Spike tumbled a few feet, rolling to his feet fluidly.
Connor came flying through the air, sword in hand, and took a swing at Boris. "How does Beautiful Warrior equal balance demon?" he asked, as Boris barely dodged the blow.
"Idiot! Krishnov was my mother's name—taken because she was a fine, fine woman," growled Boris. "That part has nothing to do with me! Only the warrior part!"
As Connor attacked again Boris moved quickly, fluidly, using the flats of his hands to capture the sword and slap Connor in the face. Connor recoiled.
"Dude, you slapped me!"
Boris brought the sword around. He was bleeding where he'd been cut by the risky maneuver, but now he had the sword. "Yes, I did. And now I have your sword. What did you learn?"
Connor darted forward, punching Boris in the jaw. There was a cracking noise, and Boris slumped downward. "I learned you hit like a girl," said Connor resentfully.
Boris twitched, then rolled over, away from Connor, still holding the sword. "Ow. That was… quite a blow."
"Yeah, unholy son of vampires and all that. Very cool. I want my sword back."
Only Boris wasn't particularly impressed. He simply shrugged himself upright and attacked Connor with the sword. Unlike the demon, Connor's skin wasn't tough enough take blows from the sword and come away mere scratches, so taking the sword back wasn't as easy as it had been for Boris.
Connor spun away from the blade. He was fast and graceful, but Boris was also fast, if not quite so graceful, and it wasn't easy to avoid the blade. Eventually, he'd run out of speed, and then the sword would kill him.
That is, if his plan had been to dodge indefinitely.
Spike stepped up behind Boris and kicked the sword out of his hand cleanly, sending it spinning through the air at Connor, who snagged it out of the air. "And, once again, the Wonder Boys strike…um, again," said Connor.
Boris whirled, punching Spike, which knocked him to the ground. Spike coughed as he hit down. "You hit pretty good yourself," he muttered, running a hand down his face. "Egh. Gravel that gets under the skin. That'll sting in the morning."
"If you're really powerful enough to fight Spike and I at the same time, why'd you need an army of vampires?" asked Connor, moving in. "I think you're weak, and I think I can take you."
There was a sudden rush of hot air, and Boris was gone.
"All talk, no action. Like a bad date," groaned Spike.
"Yeah, yeah. You been staying out of trouble?" asked Connor.
"Illyria and Dana off on their little expedition?"
"Yeah." Connor crouched down. "Oh, and our allies are totally alienated."
"Eh. It needed to look real."
Connor sighed, squatting down next to Spike and resting his arms on his legs, balancing the broadsword in front of him. "Spike, have you ever consider that maybe you have trust issues?"
Spike's face flashed irritation. "I wrote the book on it." He sat up slowly, sighing. "Was it just me or did that not go as planned?"
"It went exactly as I planned it," said Connor. "But I wasn't doing your plan. Your plan was lame, and involved us winning. That's so old-school."
Spike laughed. "Yeah, well, I was busy not dying. You think anybody else has a clue yet just how screwed we are?"
"What?"
"Uh… Connor, you're supposed to be the brains." Spike squinted at the younger man. "Didn't you catch it amidst the ranting and raving? That was a balance demon."
"Yeah, I caught it," said Connor glumly.
"If I know anything about cosmic balance—and I do—we're in for a major butt-kicking," said Spike gloomily. "We upset the cosmic balance so far that the guys who are normally on our side are now against us."
"Fate," said Connor, nodding. "Well, let's kick fate in the balls, shall we?"
"Actually…" Spike stared up at the sky. "If being out of balance a little bit like having hundreds of Slayers turned Boris against us… what do you think our plan will do?"
"There's only one Boris," scoffed Connor.
"What if there isn't?" insisted Spike. "What if he's just the fringe. Our plan is going to knock the balance off even further… oh, crap."
Harmony approached, stakes in hand. "We routed em, boss," she reported gleefully.
"I need a helicopter, right away. No, a jet. No, even faster than that!" snarled Spike. "We're about to make a big mistake!"
--
"I don't get it," said Dana.
Illyria sighed. "It's a simple concept."
"But it doesn't work right! All the little pieces should fit together, and they don't."
"I am god-king of the universe, and I don't get it entirely sometimes."
"Say it again, okay?"
Illyria sighed. "He fell in love with people who didn't love him and invariably used him, leaving him with a complex that he can never be good enough. Consequently he feels that to let anybody close to him is a disservice to them. That is why he tries to push you away, for your own protection."
"It still doesn't make sense!" wailed Dana.
"Would you like me to complicate it with the conspiracies that are layered over it?"
"No, those are easy. Spike wanted his powers taken away from him, so he had you and Connor pretend you believed it when you found the evidence that the bad-guy had planted. Once he was powerless and we'd turned on him it was easy for the badguy to pick him up. Harmony went with him to protect him, and to lead Connor and the soldier-vampires right to the bad-guy. That's easy."
Illyria sighed. "But you can't get his trust issues?"
"I mean, I get that he is distant and stuff. That's easy. But your reason why? It makes no sense to me."
"Neither does complicated plans that involve us gallivanting off into the dark forests of eastern Prussia make sense to me."
"Prussia? I thought we were in Germany."
Illyria scowled. "Be that as it may. Our contact should be here shortly."
"Already here," said a quiet voice behind them. Illyria whirled, hands coming up defensively.
"Is that you?" she asked. "Come out! Show yourself!"
The demon that slinked his way out past the tree-line was the least-threatening demon Dana had ever seen. His skin hung off him in wrinkly folds, and his sad, puppy-dog eyes had a perpetually just-kicked look to them.
"How long have you been following us?" hissed Illyria.
"I just wanted to hear your theories on Spike, cuz I've never been able to figure him out," said the demon.
"I'm Dana," said the Slayer, not wanting them to dwell on the negative. That inevitably led to tears. And usually blood, although Spike wasn't here.
"I'm Clem," said the nervous demon. "Uh, Spike didn't say anything about you. I thought I was just meeting Illyria."
"Last-minute change of plans," said Illyria. "Spike decided to trust her."
"Oh? Well, that's screwy. I have all the stuff he told me to get, and I found that ring of power you were looking for. It looks like Stonehenge, only smaller. And more hidden."
"As it should be. Being in the public eye has sapped much power from the old circle on the island," sniffed Illyria. "For what we do now, we will need much greater power."
"What do we do now?" asked Dana.
Illyria sighed. "We are going to create a force of good so overwhelming it will surely destroy Boris, of course."
