Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


WORLD #227 – The One with the Superest Harry of Them All

A.K. looked up at the size of the manor before him. It was almost sickening in its opulence. Why anyone would want a home the size of Hogwarts, A.K. would never understand. The ornately designed front doors were sparkling with encrusted jewels and gold in a stylized large letter P.

A.K. took one step towards the house and a young man popped directly in front of him holding his wand straight at A.K.'s heart. A.K. saw the fire and intensity in his eyes as the young man was reacting to a perceived threat. It brought a smile to A.K.'s scarred face. "Afternoon, Harry. Quite a place you got here."

"Who are you?" the young but toned and fit Harry Potter asked. "And how did you get past the blood wards?"

A.K. shrugged. "You're hopefully a bright kid. You tell me. How would I get past the blood wards?"

Harry looked to both sides wondering why his protection griffins and dragons hadn't prevented this man from entering. He considered what it would take to get past the blood wards and came to the only conclusion he could given the striking similarities between himself and this stranger. His wand dropped to the side, as his eyes' welled up with unshed tears. "Da- Dad?"

A.K. snorted and shook his head. "No, you stupid orphan," A.K. chuckled before raising his hands as Harry pointed his wand back at him. "Hold on now, Harry. My story isn't always the most believable but it's a lot easier if we're sitting down having drinks."

Harry steadied his wand and stared the man down. "Tell me why I shouldn't strike you down and kill you right now."

A.K. looked in Harry's eyes and shrugged. "Because you're not capable of that kind of killing. And because I'm only here to help you kill Voldemort, something you seem to have not done yet, and need some help with."

Harry didn't flinch. "And what makes you think I have to kill Voldemort?"

"I could be wrong on this one," A.K. explained. "But I'm guessing it's because he marked you as his equal, and you will have a power the Dark Lord knows not."

Harry's eyes flared as a mysterious wind started up blowing his cloak out behind him and sent his hair rippling. "Who told you that?"

A.K. shrugged. "An Albus Dumbledore you've never met. Like I said, it's a good sitting and drinking sort of explanation." A.K. was looking over Harry's shoulder at the massive eight story mansion. "Or who else you got shacked up in this little place with you?"

Harry lowered his wand again, sensing only truth and no threat from his mysterious visitor. "No one but me, the house elves, and the portraits."

A.K. frowned as he followed Harry up towards the home and into a comfortable looking den. "Shit Harry. Just you and a bunch of people watching you sleep and bathe? That's not healthy. What the hell are you doing here?"

Harry handed A.K. an old bottle of scotch and helped himself to a chilled butterbeer. "Well, it mainly started at the beginning of summer when I decided I wasn't going to just blindly let others run my life anymore. I snuck out from under the Order's nose," Harry stopped. "Wait a sec… you're not in the Order, are you?"

A.K. shook his head. "Not any Order you know or that matters to you, nope. But I know about the old man's secret sect of the flaming penguins that's been guarding and spying on you."

"Right," Harry continued. "So I wanted to go do some shopping, you know? Get clothes that fit me, some books to study, maybe a magical trunk."

A.K. nodded sadly, "Amazingly enough, I do know."

"So I went to Gringotts to get some money," Harry continued. "And they wondered why I hadn't responded to the inquiries about Sirius' will."

A.K. rolled his eyes. "At least you can talk about him without breaking down."

"Yes well," Harry blushed. "It was a lot harder before I talked to his portrait, but I'm fine now."

"Don't say 'fine' kid," A.K. insisted. "Bitches won't believe you and they'll slap you for it. Make up some shit like 'I'm not there yet, but I'm getting better.' People eat that stuff up."

Harry looked at A.K. oddly before taking out a small personal journal and writing that tidbit of wisdom down.

"Oh satan on a stick," A.K. mumbled. "It's the bucktoothed Buckwheat."

"What was that?" Harry asked looking up from his hasty scribbling.

"Nothing," A.K. said. "Please continue. Padfoot's will, I think you said? Maybe he left you documents emancipating you, because he cared so much and was always known for thinking ahead?"

"Yeah!" Harry smiled. "How'd you know? Griphook told me he'd get it taken care of quietly at the Ministry."

A.K. was sipping his scotch hearing the same old song and dance. "I can just imagine how surprised Griphook must have been. A high and mighty wizard asking for a meager goblin by mere name? Shocking."

Harry frowned. "I didn't actually see him. I just asked for him by name, since he was the first goblin I thought of and I needed a new account manager that didn't report to Dumbledore."

A.K. nodded. "Makes sense. So Sirius' will, emancipation, portrait, and umm… what else we got? Family vault?"

Harry shook his head. "No, I mean, yes, but that's not what's important. My parents' will hinted about Dad's heritage, so I had the Goblins check out if I was the last heir to any other vaults."

A.K. perked up hopefully at that. "Heir?"

Harry nodded. "Yup, on my Dad's side I'm descended from Godric Gryffindor."

A.K. pumped his fist. "Yes!"

Harry smiled proudly. "And on my Mum's side, she apparently was from a long line of squibs and left me the Heir to Merlin."

A.K. shook his head in disbelief every time it happened. Inexplicable powers were always the best sorts of powers. "And so far, you've found this means…?"

Harry explained happily. "Well apparently Merlin made a prophecy when he died about an heir that would become greater than every other wizard that ever existed since the dawn of time… combined."

A.K. laughed at Harry's enthusiasm. "And this is you because...?"

"Because Merlin visited me in my dream as soon as I knew I was descended from him." Harry nodded. "Well actually it was Godric visiting me in my dream telling me about my heritage and where to find Gryffindor Palace, and right there into my hazy dream, Merlin pops in saying he was supposed to be visiting me in my dream. Those two had a little tizzy fit about who would do what, and eventually began working together. When I got here to Gryffindor Palace, the big G in jewels reformed into a P and all the guardians came before me and bowed."

A.K. nodded solemnly. "It wouldn't be an inherited and abandoned massive mansion turned palace home without some dangerous beasts bowing to you."

Harry had to agree with that and nodded. "And so since then, I've been training with the help of portraits of all four founders, Merlin, and dozens of famous Potters, including my folks and Sirius."

"You're more powerful than every wizard ever, combined… and you're training?" A.K. asked uncertainly.

"Of course," Harry explained. "All this power doesn't do me a lick of good if I don't know how to use it."

A.K. just shook his head at how stupid Harry Potters can be. "Err… you mind if I give something a try?"

Harry smiled. "Go ahead."

"Avada Kedavra!" A.K. snapped out with his wand aimed at Harry.

Harry just smiled and watched the spell smack into his chest and bounce off with a high-pitched clink. It dissipated in a small shower of green sparks when it fell to the ground in front of Harry. Harry grinned, "Doesn't even tickle anymore."

A.K. smiled and sat back down enjoying his scotch. "Alright. Please continue with your fascinating and refreshingly original tale."

Harry gave A.K. an odd look before writing something else down in his journal. He looked up briefly "Err… didn't I finish it?"

A.K. blinked a bit at Harry. "Oh? No mention about how you're going to explain having house-elves to Hermione? Or how much you've begun to enjoy exchanging letters with Hermione?"

Harry blushed at the reminder of his last letter from Hermione. He definitely needed to check out the Prefect's bathroom now that he could see through solid objects. "She understands house elves better now. And I've freed the one-hundred and thirty seven that work here. And come to think of it Hedwig took her a letter a few days ago. I was hoping she might have replied and be back soon."

"It takes Hedwig days to get there and back?" A.K. asked thinking this sounded surprisingly realistic.

Harry nodded.

"So she's not a phoenix?"

"Hedwig? No she's-" Harry was interrupted by a white flash of fire as Hedwig the phoenix triumphantly appeared trilling a song of hope and healing that sounded eerily like Linkin Park, Avril Lavigne, and Simple Plan doing a medley. Harry smiled in pure joy unable to come up with words wonderful enough to describe what he was feeling. "Hedwig… that was… that was…"

"Fucking weird," A.K. answered earning him an unhappy glare from Harry. A.K. smiled and added, "But impeccable timing."

Hedwig chirped at A.K. and settled herself onto Harry's shoulder. Harry relaxed into the comfort of his new phoenix.

"Don't nap on me," A.K. yelled out, grabbing Harry's attention. "You were going to explain how the know-it-all has taught you how to love not just others… but yourself."

"She's not a know-it-all," Harry frowned and insisted. "She just tells me what I feel, what to do, and she's never yet been wrong. That doesn't mean you should be calling her names."

A.K. heavily considered smacking Harry.

"Being way more intelligenter than everyone else is a burden she must shoulder," Harry explained. "If Ron and I had any sense of priorities, we'd be studying as much as she does and probably be a lot better off because of it."

"Ron?" A.K. asked curiously. "Doesn't he like Hermione in that monster-in-his-chest sort of way?"

Harry smiled patronizingly at A.K. "Ron's a good friend. But he and Hermione always argue. Without me to act as a buffer, they'd never be able to get along."

A.K. shrugged back. "I would disagree, unless she's gotten too breathtakingly gorgeous for him. Otherwise, those two have worked together pretty well in many of the times I've met them."

"What do you mean?" Harry asked defensively.

A.K. sat back and explained, "The short of it is that I'm Harry Potter, but this isn't my world. This is yours. That's why your wards don't stop me. I go by the name of A.K. to avoid confusion, and hop to different worlds helping them out with their Voldemort problems." A.K. took a swig of his scotch. "Now that's why I know Ron and Hermione can work together. I've seen them together more than I've seen them apart. Of course nearly the only times they're apart is when Harry is with Hermione."

"But I'm Harry…" Harry said with all the conviction of a frightened first year. "Right?" He paused and then added. "Or are you?"

A.K. shook his head. "Nevermind. You definitely need someone to do your thinking for you. And if you're more powerful than every wizard ever-"

"Combined," Harry jumped in to remind him.

"Combined," A.K. agreed with a roll of his eyes. "Then you need someone boring to keep you in check. The Hermionator is perfect for that." A.K. paused and imagined. "Though I would be curious how this world would hold up if it were Luna in charge of your every action and emotion."

"Luna?" Harry asked disgusted. "She's… like a sister."

A.K. had heard enough. "Alright Harry, here's the thing. You can defeat Voldemort. Easily. I'm sure of it. But what you lack is confidence, as well as certainty. And that's what I'm for. I can make sure Voldemort is really dead and not coming back. Okay?"

Harry looked at A.K. and nodded, trusting his own instincts on this one.

"First, let's try something simple." A.K. instructed. "Are you better with your wand or wandlessly?"

Harry waved his wand in the air. "This is just a muggle pencil transfigured to look like a wand."

A.K. considered asking Harry what a magical pencil would be like but decided this was not the time for extraneous information. "Alright, whatever works for you. Now go ahead and summon Voldemort's head. Don't go for any of his body, just his head."

Harry nodded resolutely and raised his hand in the air. He was focusing on the summoning spell and was about to yell out the spell to add more juice to it, when there was a loud crash. Harry had enough time to recognize the severed head that came flying through the nearby window and was about to smack him in the face. Harry ducked and yelped as it flew over him and hit the wall with a fleshy splat.

"Nice work," A.K. insisted as he hurried over to the bloody head stuck with a surprised look on its face. A.K. lifted it up into the air and announced, "Check it out! You marked it as your equal!"

Harry's eyebrows rose to see the glass of the window had cut Voldemort's forehead in the unmistakable shape of a lightning bolt.

"That's a good sign," A.K. pointed out. "But sadly this killed only his body, it didn't destroy Voldemort. I don't think we're quite at the vanquished point yet. But I think you've got some more power still left in you."

Harry nodded. "I think so."

A.K. smiled. "Alright then, this one is ancient light magic battle spell. It only works on really evil people and if you're doing it in the best interests of all that's good and pure."

Harry agreed immediately, knowing some things had to be done for the good of everyone.

"Now you need to focus on completely eradicating Voldemort's soul and making sure he never can come back again. You wish that in your head over and over again, until you know for a fact it is true. When you reach that point of complete control and absolute certainty, raise both of your hands and cast Gluteus Maximus. Think you can handle that?"

Harry considered and figured it was worth a shot. "I'll try my best."

"That's all I'd ever ask," A.K. managed to say with a straight face.

Harry closed his eyes in concentration, wishing and wishing like he'd been told. He was sweating heavily and chewing on his lip trying to accomplish this ancient light magic. After several minutes of silence other than A.K. sipping lazily on his drink, Harry exhaled loudly. "I don't know if I can do it. I'm having trouble with this one."

A.K. choked a little on his drink. "Come on Harry. What would Hermione say to you giving up on a spell? You think she'd ever want to be with someone who can't cast Gluteus Maximus?"

Harry's eyes flared with power. "I'm not giving up yet." Harry clenched his eyes shut again and focused even harder this time.

A.K. looked over at Harry who was now groaning in concentration. He was hoping Harry didn't need to use the bathroom, because if it did Harry's large intestine was probably cooking diamonds about now. Just then Harry's body relaxed as he thrust his hands into the air and yelled out "Gluteus Maximus!"

A.K. smiled. "It worked?"

Harry gasped and thrust his hand to his forehead. "My scar! It's all tingly!"

A.K. looked around Harry's hand. "Yup, it's fading away. Probably won't even leave a mark. Congrats Harry. You won."

"He's gone?" Harry asked hopefully. "He's really gone?"

A.K. nodded. "Yup. Gluteus Maximus has never failed." A.K. silently added to himself that it had never succeeded before now either.

Harry grabbed onto Hedwig and hugged his phoenix happily. "Oh this wonderful! I promised myself I couldn't ask Hermione out until Voldemort was gone and now he is! I wonder if I should go tell her the good news? Do you think she might be busy? I wouldn't want to surprise her in case she's showering. Do you think she showers naked? I wonder-"

A.K. grumbled as he stood up. "Thanks for the scotch, Harry." He hurriedly cast the magic to leave this world and disappeared unnoticed to Harry, who was just staring off into space, wondering if Hermione would like a pair of shower slippers that would unclog the drain for her. He remembered her mentioning something about a beaver dam.


WORLD #240 – The One with Not Enough Magic

A.K. was immediately overcome with a feeling of pure taint and evil as soon as he arrived. He kept his eyes peeled for a threat but couldn't identify any. It was just of feeling of complete and utter wrongness. He turned around and felt incredibly ill at the sight before him.

"Oh... my... gawd," an odd looking Colin Creevey came running over with, oddly enough, a pencil he was chewing on. "That look, that cloak, those scars! They look so real, rhawr!" Colin snapped playfully at A.K. Colin spun around dramatically cheering, "Blaise, darling! You have completely outdone yourself. This is simply magnificent!"

"Oh you, stop!" Blaise brushed off the compliments from up on the stage. "I do what I can."

A.K. slowly walked up to the stage and approached a scrawny, ragamuffin looking boy with dark hair and vivid green eyes. He was almost afraid to ask. "Harry?"

The boy in clothes way too big for him jerked his head up and smiled. "Yes?"

"Harry Potter?" A.K. double-checked.

The young man doing his best to look like a little boy, nodded fervently. "That's me! What can I do for…" Harry gasped and clutched his hands together. "Ohmigawd! Are you from the talent agency?"

A.K. just shook his head in fear. "Nope, sorry."

Harry sagged in disappointment. "No worries. Unless you needed something, I should get back to practice…"

A.K. slowly backed away. "No no… go right ahead and… practice." A.K. turned around right into a familiar pale white noseless hairless face. Not one to miss an opportunity, he whipped out his wand. "Avada Kedavra!"

The incredibly odd looking Voldemort squealed in fright flailing his arms a bit and fell to the ground just as the spell flew over his head impacting the man behind him.

"Professor Snape!" Draco Malfoy, half-dressed in a Voldemort looking cape exclaimed hurrying over to the man who got hit with the errant spell.

Voldemort jumped up right in A.K.'s face. "Where the hell do you get off firing you freaky ray gun at me!" He was clutching his chest in fright and breathing heavily. "My nerves are now shot to hell. I hope you're happy! Oh god dammit! Where's our new choreographer?"

A.K. saw Draco struggling to wake up the eerie sight of Professor Snape with a cardigan tied around his neck.

"Wait!" Voldemort shrieked and turned back to A.K. and tilted his head. "Are you the new choreographer? Is that what that was? A test of my reflexes? Because like seriously, man, I can do soooooo much better next time. Really. I was just focusing on my character and blocking out the outside world, you know. I mean I was totally in the middle of a lemon face."

A.K. just flinched at the sight of a Voldemort in make-up trying to pucker.

"Lion face! Rhawr!" Voldemort continued with a disturbingly un-fierce look.

"Wait!" A.K. interrupted fearful of what might happen next. "What the bloody hell is going on? Who are you?"

Voldemort smiled brightly and took a step back. With a large flourish and a shake of his jazz hands, he proudly exclaimed, "I am Big Daddy Voldemort!"

A.K. just stared at him incredulously.

Voldemort's smile faltered and he continued to explain. "Big Daddy Voldemort? You know? The villain in our end-of-term production?" He swung his arms wildly in all directions when he saw A.K. was still confused. "Hello? Do you know anything? I'm easily the second biggest part! The antagonist to our title character protagonist? Little Orphan Harry! I mean come on! Work with me here!"

A.K. just sat there staring stupidly.

Voldemort got a worried look on his pasty white made up face. He carefully inched closer towards A.K. until he could safely whisper. "Are you… are you okay?"

A.K. snapped out of it and shook his head in hopes that the crazy might fling off. It didn't. "But I mean, who are you under the make-up? Who's playing the character of Big Da-... You know what? I can't even say it. Who's playing the character of You-Know-Who?"

Voldemort flung his hand to his forehead dramatically. "Oh sorry! I completely went off on you there, didn't I? Whee! Look at the crazy man right here! Woo-hoo! My apologies. I'm Tom Riddle." He explained shaking A.K.'s hand.

A.K. just shook hands and thought he might want to get some pictures to share with future Death Eaters and Tom Riddles he would undoubtedly run into.

A.K. looked over his shoulder as he heard Draco Malfoy's gratingly irritating voice screeching. "Headmaster! Headmaster! Professor Snape won't wake up! I don't think I feel a pulse!"

Voldemort sighed melodramatically. He mock whispered to A.K. "Personally, I think it's more likely the little drama queen just can't count to zero."

A.K. tried to chuckle at that but it came out more as a whimper.

Voldemort nodded and pointed. "That's Draco Malfoy, my understudy. I wouldn't put it past him to try and poison me just to get the part. Nasty, catty bitch through and through. Just like his father."

A.K. nodded weakly not sure if he really wanted to agree with that. Finally his brain muscles began to snap. "What the hell is this place? What's going on here?"

"That is exactly what I would like to know!" A firm imposing voice intoned as he approached A.K. "I am the Headmaster of this institution and I would like to know why you felt the need to blast a member of my faculty with your ray gun."

"Dumbledore?" A.K. asked the elderly man in tights with the really bad peppered goatee.

The Headmaster nodded. "That's correct. Now please explain to me what has happened and exactly why I shouldn't call the police right now."

A.K. looked around oddly. "Dear Satan! Are you all… muggles?"

The Headmaster rubbed his chin. "We very well might be but that depends on what you mean by the word muggle."

A.K. slapped his forehead in dawning comprehension. "Of course. Wait… so where the hell are we right now?"

The Headmaster was growing irritated at the lack of answers to his questions. "This is the Hogwarts School of Ballet, and you are quickly wearing out your welcome, avoiding all of my questions."

A.K.'s jaw just dropped for a moment before he clamped it shut. "You'll have to excuse me as I throw up in my mouth for a moment here."

The Headmaster narrowed his eyes. "Should I call for the school nurse? Do I need to be worried about the health of my Dalcroze Eurhythmics Instructor?"

After re-swallowing the bile in his mouth, A.K. smiled and shook his head. "Nope, you don't need to worry about his health at all."

"Oh thank goodness," the Headmaster sighed with relief. "So what is that ray gun thing?"

"Oh this?" A.K. said showing off his wand. "It's… well… it's still under secret government testing. I can't say too much about it, but the Professor is in no danger. He'll be in as perfect health as everyone else around here in just a couple days. But I'm afraid he won't be waking up before then."

The Headmaster frowned. "Oh dear." He looked around at all the scrambling young dancers. He looked at A.K. hopefully, "I don't suppose you're familiar with Dalcroze Eurhythmics by chance…?"

A.K. grinned, "In fact, I'm a master of the craft but I have a previous engagement I must tend to first." A.K. shrugged. "I really need to get a move on tunneling down to the center of the earth and detonating a whole lot of thermonuclear devices there. But once I'm done, I'll be right back here to help."

The Headmaster chuckled. "Such a kidder. That's a wicked sense of humor you have."

"Right," A.K. agreed with a nod. "Take it easy, Albus." He got the attention of everyone else who had been making sets, practicing lines and dance maneuvers, "And all the rest of you… break a leg. No, wait, on second thought, break two!" A.K. smiled happily and sprinted out of the staging area contemplating just whose nuclear arsenal he felt like raiding.

It was only the very next day that the Headmaster received a massive crate marked Lemon Drops. It came with a note explaining "Don't open these unless you really want them!"

A.K. was watching from his perch in the treetops about a half mile away in the Forbidden Forest as the massive mushroom cloud grew from what was once Hogwarts School of Ballet. He activated all the timers on bombs he'd put at the bottom of the Mariana trench after he'd been magically digging for a few hours. He assumed it would be enough.

As Hogwarts disappeared in a massive cloud of dust and mortar, he smiled as his dimensional portal just opened. He hopped away to a new world wishing Hogwarts a happy goodbye. "You're free, little girl!"

Perhaps A.K. just imagined it, but it sounded like the heavens whispered down to him "Thanks, buddy!"


Author's Note: This is one of three chapters that will feature two worlds, not just one. Some world's just don't take as long for A.K. to get his business done. And often then he wants to get on out of there. But a chapter with less than 3000 words is even too review-whorish for me. Some days you just want to burn down the office. A.K.'s just lucky enough to be able to do that, since theres an infinite number of offices left. Perhaps a bit darker than some were expecting, but they won't all catch him on such a bad day. Review tell me what you think. I've been pretty good about responding to all comments or questions.